The Keys to Successful Dating & Marriage - Rabbi Alon Anava

Good evening everybody. Shabbat tov, chodesh tov. We want to talk about a very very important subject is because unfortunately in our generation there's so many people who are still looking for their for their soulmate, to their other half. And just a few months ago we had a beautiful big Purim event. And during the event I stood up and I started giving bracha to everybody in the in the room. And after I finished I told my wife, "Look at that. Besides two people, everybody here is single." There were two people who were married. And then everybody else in the event was all singles. All the bachurs you should get married. You should get married. You should get married. Some point I stopped saying you should get married. I said, "All of you should just get married." So this situation is not how it should be. This is not okay that so many people are struggling to find their other half. But unfortunately the reality is that many people find it very very hard to find their other half. Now comes another problem. Once they already find it him or her, then how do you maintain a good marriage? So there are many different problems. There's a lot more to talk about, but tonight we want to concentrate about one channel, one way how one can better their opportunities and focus on what they need to do. And you know, some of the lectures they come off very easy and very soft. And sometimes when you need to get something done, you need to be a little bit more harsh and a little bit more straightforward. So please don't take anything personal that I say, but I sometimes when I want to get a point across and it has to come out and not always it comes with with padding on the on the hand. Sometimes it has to be a little bit harsh. Especially when it comes to find the other half because I meet so many people that the reason why they don't find another half is because the list of the demand is out of proportion. We have a beautiful Yeshiva and we have a seminary and midrasha for women. We have a lot of things going on. And of course because of that because we have the institute for the men and the institute for the women so by default we do a lot of matchmaking. And a lot of times we get students. We focus a lot on on more mature people. I don't like saying the word old but we have in our men's Yeshiva a lot of older men. I mean our oldest student is 84 years old. 84 year old a man in his 70s did chuva and now he sits and learns Torah. And on the other hand we have a oldest student on the female side she's 79 years old. So a lot of our a lot of our people are older or mature. And needless to say by default a lot of people come and tell me maybe you can find my my wife my husband. Not too long ago one of the students came with a list of demands. Maybe you can help me find my other half. Of course sure we'll do our best. Is there anything that you that I need to know what you're looking for? So I'm not joking. He pulls out a paper. Okay. She has to be 5 6 and a half. What if she's 5 6 and a quarter? That's not that's not going to work. So the list of the demands was very very long and at some point I told you I'm very sorry I can't help you. He's like why can't you help me? That's not nice. I said it's not about being nice. I can't help you. He's like why don't you help me? I said because what you're looking for that creature doesn't exist. Doesn't exist such a thing. So, I see that many times people their criteria or the demands are not in proportions. And has nothing to do with the reality. And usually your real other half is going to be completely the opposite of what you pictured, what you imagined, what you dreamed, and what you really want. Because the says that's not your other half. Your other half is something completely completely different. Now, first we need to understand what does it mean other half? The Zohar explains that the female part and the male part are one soul. And before that soul comes down to the world, there's a certain angel in the heavens that cut the soul in half. The female part goes into the woman and the male part goes into the man. One falls in New York, the other one falls in I don't know what, London. And then they live their life for 10, 20, 30, 40 years and finally they somehow meet up in some random way, fall in love, and then they live happily ever after. That's only happening in the movies. It's not the reality. There's no happily ever after. But nevertheless, that's the situation. And many people, unfortunately, they meet their other half, but they pass through him or her for whatever reason. Maybe the nose was too big, the car was not red, it was white, and many other situations. And a lot of people their, you know, raft of expectations is so out of proportion that when you actually see or meet the other half, it doesn't match the the demands. So, the majority that the the the list of the demands is so high that becomes an obstacle for them. And that obstacle stops the person from finding their other half. Now, I like being more straightforward and not schmearing things. A lot of people say, "Don't worry and do this and do that." And I don't think this works. I like seeing a problem and and and exposing the problem because if a person lives in some type of a state of denial, then I'm not helping him. If I come to a person and tell him, "You have a certain issue and if you're not going to work on it, you're not going to be successful," then I'm deceiving that person. So, first you want to understand why did Hashem create the situation that must be a man and a woman and in a in a form of a marriage? Cuz if Hashem wanted us to be fruitful and multiple, he could have created a system that you don't need to be married to have kids. But when the world was created, only Adam and Eve were created. To be exact, the Zohar explains that Adam and Eve were created in in a form of a man and a woman together. The man was in the front and the woman was in the back. And I know the the famous story that people know that Adam and Eve were put to sleep and then there was an operation and took out the rib. So, the Zohar explains it wasn't exactly like that. It was the side that we needed to come out. But nevertheless, in the beginning, Adam and Eve were one body. Then it was separated. And right after that, Adam and Eve were in a very spiritual, very high spiritual level. And the story says that in the beginning, Adam and Eve were sitting on a chair of glory on a chair of glory. And everything was brought to Adam and Eve to be named. Everything, all the animals, all the species, everything. And Adam and Eve were in such a high spiritual level that he was able to see the godly power that enlivens everything and name it according to the energy that enlivens that thing. Yesterday we had a beautiful lecture about the secrets of the name that we have about the letters in our name. What does the letters mean? How does it affect my life? How does it affect my my my personality? And we explained there that everything in the world is built from these letters, building blocks of the universe, the godly power that enlivens the universe. And Adam Rishon was in such a high level that he was able to see not the design of the world, rather to see the spiritual structure of the world. So he was able to see the code of the program. If you're looking at a website and you see a beautiful website, beautiful colors, beautiful design, you click a button, opens a page. This is just the design of the website. What if you hypothetically would be able to remove the screen of the of the of the computer, then you would see the code that creates the the website. Same thing here, the world is created with a code and Adam Rishon and many other Sadikim that we know throughout the years were able to see past this design, past the screen and see the godly power that enlivens the world. And this godly power is built from letters. Very soon Mashiach is going to come. The prophet Yeshayahu says, "V'rau kol basar yachdav ki pi Hashem diber." Everybody will see that the mouth of Hashem is the one that creates the world. The screen would be removed and we would see the godly power that enlivens the world. Adam Rishon was able to see that. So everything was brought to Adam Rishon. He would look at a lion and he would see the letters aleph, resh, yud in hey in them. He would say, "So that's aryeh. That's a lion." Then they brought a ox in front of him. He saw the letters shin, vav, resh. Okay, that's a shor. And he started naming everything. But as everything was coming in front of him, he noticed that every animal has a mate. And in Hebrew, the majority of of animals have different names to the gender. The The the male has one name and the female has a different name. A lion in Hebrew is arye and the female lion is lavi'a. An ox is a shor and a cow is a para. So, like this is almost all the animals. So, at some point Adam Harishon was like, "Wait a minute, why don't I have a mate? I want also a wife." Hashem was like, "Are you sure? Are you sure with this? No problem. I mean, you asked for it, I'll give it to you." Up until today we're praying for that. But, no offense, yeah? But, Adam Harishon says, "I also want a way a mate." No problem. Hashem right away put him to sleep and he brought He separated Hava from him. But, comes a big question, why did Hashem create the system that has to be a husband and has to be a wife? Because the first commandment that Adam and Hava got is to be fruitful and multiply. Pru u'rvu. But, technically Hashem could have done a system that we just look at each other and a child comes. Or some type of a system. Why does it have to be a man and a woman together? So, you know, the the Talmud says that a person that lives without a a mate, without a wife, then he doesn't have any happiness. Then doesn't have any any light, doesn't have any anything good going on in their life. And, you know, the Gamara is talking in the tense of a man, but it's applying to the same thing to a woman. It says Adam belo Isha sharui belo simcha. A A man without a woman is constantly no happiness, no simcha. And no osher and no hatzlacha and so forth. So, technically one can ask, why you Why is the Gamara saying that? Hypothetically, when you're single, life is kind of better. You can go whenever you want, to wherever you want. You can do whatever you want. Nobody runs your business. Nobody tells you what to do. Nobody tells you to pick up the socks on the floor. You You whatever you want. You know, when I was single, I would learn like 16 hours a day Torah. Now, to help my wife carry the the shopping, help with the kids, do this, do that. Technically, sometimes I look at people and tell them, "Why you complaining? I don't know. I wish I would be now single." Ah, no, I don't have to pay for such a big house, tuition. You know what's tuition? Six kids. Sham Azor. So, when you single, ah, you can eat here today, to there you there, tomorrow you there. Technically, when you thinking about it, it's kind of easier better and more free life when you by yourself. Why is the Talmud saying that if you don't have a wife, then you don't have simcha? I know pretty, you know, pretty a lot of people when they are in a single, they have a lot of simcha. But nevertheless, the reason why the Talmud says that you don't have simcha is because when you live by yourself, you cannot refine yourself. And really, the purpose why we came down to this world is not to watch movies, not to go on vacations, definitely not to be a member of Facebook. Facebook has enough of accounts, it doesn't need you to have another account. Why are you here in this world? You ever asked this question to yourself, why am I here in this world? What I came here just to to go from another vacation to another vacation and work all my life and have a purpose in this world. And if I don't know my purpose, then I'm in big trouble. I need to find my purpose in this world. And what is the What is the Kadosh Baruch Hu is expecting from me? I didn't come here to live 67 years just to spend my life on nothing. So, I need to have a certain path in my life and to know what my purpose in life. And one huge part of my purpose in my life is to refine myself. Each and every one of us has a soul. The soul in the eyes of Hashem is like a diamond. And the Kadosh Baruch Hu gives us our soul when it's dirty and damaged, and he says, "Now, refine it. Now, clean it." I don't know if you ever saw a diamond coming out of a of a diamond mine. It's dirty, it's not refined, it's not polished. Now, you start polishing it, if you cut it nice, then it becomes a beautiful, valuable, expensive diamond. So, we all come down here to this world, and we have to refine ourselves. The great student of the Ari Zal, Rabbi Chaim Vital, he says in his book, one of his many books, in the book called Shaarei Kedusha, that we came down to this world mainly to refine our character traits. We have to learn Torah, we have to do mitzvot. These are tools to assist me to refine my characteristics. And each and every one of us will be born with some good character traits and some bad character traits. You can have very positive character traits. You can be generous, you can be very hard worker, you can be honest, you can be a giver, and many other things. And on the negative side, you can have a problem with anger, with patience, with being judgmental, with being jealous. We all have a long list of good and bad character traits. I need to know how to recognize my good character traits, so I can empower them. And I need to be humble enough to recognize my bad character traits, so I know what to work on. Now, most people, their ego is a little bit out of control. Their ga'avah is a little bit too high. And if somebody will approach and tell them, "Listen, you have an issue with anger." "I don't have an issue with anger." Yes, you do. But they don't want to hear about it. Or you come up to a person and tell them, "Listen, you're a little bit not responsible." "I'm not responsible? How dare it? I showed up this week one time on time." So, well, most people don't like being criticized, and they get offended mainly because they know it's right. But it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Each and every one of us possesses a a a few, sometimes some people it's more than a few, but some negative character traits. Doesn't mean that you're bad. It just means that this is the portion that what you got that you need to work on. So, first of all, regardless to what we're talking tonight, a person has to be humble, whether it doesn't matter right now, married or not married, putting it as a side note. A person has to be constantly be humble enough to be able to look in the mirror and to see his own faults and to say, "Yes, who am I kidding? I have a problem with with anger. I have I'm a judgmental. I'm very narrow-minded, whatever it is. I get jealous like that. I am very impatient." Most people, they wake up in the morning and they come to look at the mirror. Wow. Shh. Wow. Hashem outdid himself here. This is like the the master of perfection. So, that's why most people, they look in the mirror and they don't see faults. They just see, "Wow, the world has to thank me today." So, but the reality is that the right person has to look in the mirror and says, "Who am I kidding? I woke up at 9:00. I should have woke up at 6:00. Who am I kidding? I'm late to the meeting. Who am I kidding? I treat people disgusting." So, and again, it's not about putting somebody down. It's seeing the reality and and it's important that you understand that it's not about putting a person down to making him feel bad. It's to understand the tools that what Hashem gave me. If you go to a job and the boss tells you, "Listen, the job is not necessarily what you like, but what you going to do? You got to pay the rent. And your job today the definition of the job today is to do this task. And here is a tool to do this task. I need you to dig a hole. Here's a shovel. I need you to paint the wall. Here's a brush." So, Hashem puts you in this world and tells you, "I need you to work on your anger. Here's a lot of people who will annoy you." That's it. And then Hashem gives you a few tools how to deal with it and then, go ahead, start refining your character traits. So, the teachings of the student of the result of the time Vitali says, we came down to this world to refine my characteristics. So, different different stages, different rabbis in the generations called it in different in different terms. The gun from Vilna calls it to break the midot. You have a bad midah, break it. Don't don't let it cause to you an obstacle. Now, each and every one of us has a long list of midot of characteristics that it has to be refined. Now, how can I refine it? I need resistance. If you go now to a gym, you pay top dollars to the best gym in your city. If you go in there and you just sit like this next to one of the machines, you think something's going to happen? Nothing's going to happen. You need to start moving around. You need to push and to pull and to lift and to You need resistance. And even if you go by yourself and you start doing like that, what's going to happen? Nothing. You need resistance. It When you push, that thing is pushing you back. When you pull, then it's holding you back. So, I need to refine my character traits, I need something that will cause a resistance. If I need to work on my patience, if my character trait is a problem with patience, then Hashem is going to put all the people in my life that are going to cause me to lose my patience. And if I need to work on anger, then Hashem is going to give me a wife that's going to drive me nuts, a boss that's going to drive me crazy, kids that are going to put things on the floor all day long, and And why? Because that's my task or my mission in this world. That doesn't mean you're stuck with the same mission the whole life. Could be that from age 10 to 20, you have to deal with one thing, age 20 to 40, you deal with another thing. You need to be humble enough to be able to receive the job offer from the to understand what is Hashem want from me. How many times things don't work out in your day and you stop and then you think, "Hashem, what do you want from me?" Wouldn't it be great to get like a WhatsApp message saying, "I well, I want you to be a little bit more polite." Ah, why didn't you say so? So, we constantly ask Hashem, "What do you want from me?" Just imagine how cool it would be if Hashem would answer you. But, the point is that he does answer you. You know how he answers you? He puts people in front of you. Everybody in your life are mirrors. Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your boss, your neighbor. And if you smart and mainly humble, you look at every person in your life and you recognize what does Hashem want from you. And if Hashem wants you to work on your anger, on your patience, on your generosity, whatever, he will put those people around you. And you just have to have the right perception to understand that. So, when the Talmud says a person that is not married hasn't have simcha, doesn't have a blessing, doesn't have happiness, is why? Because you don't have the resistance. You don't have the partner to make you work on yourself. That's why you can reach to the real ultimate level of simcha. Because if I have to do a certain task in the world, then my wife will be the one who's going to cause that. Unfortunately, society has poisoned our minds through movies and media and advertising and so forth with what marriage is about. You ask now a person, what is marriage about? You thinking you walking down the the the coast, the beach holding hands and like, you know, love, you know, these hearts everywhere. That's That doesn't doesn't even work in the in the cartoons. So, people, you know, they're imagining all sorts of things. Marriage is not about walking into the sunset and I love you. This is This doesn't work like that. It works on the first day and then that's it and then the you know, the whispering is like shh. So, So, this is, you know, and I grew up very, very not observant. So, you you you know, the media it brainwashes you. And you see commercials sometimes and the commercial is, you know, the the message behind the commercial is so uh refined that it affects your subconscious and we are really affected by media and commercials and movies. And most people think that marriage is literally about romance and love and this is not marriage. I don't know many couples that walk hands in hands and they kiss and they This is just as good for maybe the first 3 months. So, the thing is that when people are looking for the other half, they have some type of a dream. She has to look like that. And if she doesn't, then no, no, no. I told you that Not too long ago another person came to me and he told me the same thing when he wanted me to help with finding him a shidduch and he told him, "She has to be 5.6 ft." I said, "Well, I have a wonderful lady." "Really?" "She's gorgeous." "Really?" "Yeah, and she has a lot of money." "Wow." "And she's this and she's that, but she's only 5'4". "No, I don't want her." Are you serious? You're talking here about, I don't know. So, bend down a little bit. What's the big deal? So, sometimes people are stuck on so many things then of course you can find your other half. Now, when I became observant and I was looking for my wife, then I went to the first matchmaker and she told me, "What are you looking for?" I said, "I'm looking for my wife." "Okay, like what are you looking for?" I said, "Um my wife." "You don't have any requests or" "Well, she she needs to be Jewish." "Of course she's going to be Jewish, but what are you looking?" I said, "I'm I'm looking for my wife. I don't know how she looks. I don't know how she acts. I don't know if she's farty or Ashkenazi. I don't know if she's tall or short. I don't know. I never met her. But I'm looking for her. The the the shadchan couldn't figure out what I'm saying. I said, "What don't you understand? Whatever you bring me, I'll I'll I'll analyze it, and if she fits, it fits." And you know, the first date I went on, she was divorced with a kid. And I'm like 28, I'm like, "Okay, if my wife has to be divorced and come with a kid, then that's my wife. What am I going to shoo her off because she's coming with baggage? I also have baggage. Most people say, "No, no, divorced with a child, no, no, no, no. It's not for me. I'm not going to raise somebody else's kid." What if that's What if that is your wife? What if that your other half? You're going to shoo it off because it doesn't fit well into your to your imagination? So, most people, they have it completely completely wrong. They draw a certain line what needs to be, how it needs to look. And then when you're looking at the actual I don't want to say the word, it doesn't sound nice, but when you're looking at the product, you don't recognize the qualities of the product because you're looking at something completely else. And this is a problem with many many people, and I know a lot of people say, "No, no, no, no." It's not me. I don't know what she's talking about. Well, if you don't know what I'm talking about, then good. But I see with many people that the list of demands is is out of proportions. I know, you you should have a few list things that you want you want her to look a certain way or behave a certain way, but but this is so irrelevant. The look, you know, after 10, 20 years, after five, six kids, you know, the looks completely changes. You know, the other day I took a haircut. I know it happens sometimes. I barely have any hair, but you know, I I took a haircut. I came home, and I my took off my yarmulke, and my kids started laughing. I was like, "What are you laughing?" He's like, "How are you bald?" I'm like, "Well, why you Don't don't say to the world that I am. I wear a big yarmulke, so you're not going to see anything." But they were laughing at that I don't have any hair. And I said, "Well, every year, you know, I lose hair, in yarmulke becomes bigger and bigger and you know, one point I'm just going to walk with a helmet." So, but they were laughing at me that I that I was losing hair. And and and I was like, "You know what? I don't care if I if I lose hair. It is irrelevant. So, what? But that's that's how Hashem wants me to look. What am I going to stress over the fact that I'm losing some hair?" But for them it was very amusing that I I I look a certain way. And it only means, you know, it's so irrelevant how how the external part looks. The what's important is the internal part. You know, when you look at the product from the outside, you might be fooled by the design. The inside is what makes the difference. Our sages 2,000 years ago says, "Al tistakel bakankan ela b'ma she b'tocho." Don't look at the You know, in English they translated it to don't look at the the cover, the book's cover. Look at the what's inside. But 2,000 years ago, 2,500 years ago, our sages said in the Mishnah, "Don't look in the in the in the jar. Just look what's inside." So, sometimes the answer to all my questions is right in front of me, but I'm ignorant enough or my ego is out of control that I don't see what's in front of me. And the thing is that like I said before, my wife is my resisting tool. I know it sounds very mechanical, but I'm saying my wife is the person that is placed in front of me that will touch all the buttons that need to be point that need to be pressed to get me out of my my my kelim, to get me out of order. So, if I need to work on anger, my wife will be annoying. If I need to work on patience, my wife is going to throw things on the floor all day long. Whatever it is, my wife is the one who's going to make me work on myself work on my midot. Now, the first step and most important is that you can't think only of yourself. Most people, when you come and ask them, "What do you want in your other half?" She needs to look like this, he needs to look like that, minimum an MD, a BMW, and uh 170,000 a year. So, there's a long list of demands, which is okay. But, I never heard anybody saying, "Who cares what I want? Let's see what the other side wants." Have you ever thought of that? Usually, when you come to look at your other half, she needs to be like this, she needs to be like that, he needs to be like this, he needs to be like that. I don't never heard anybody saying, "Oh, you know what? I don't care on the I care what can I give my other half? How can I make my other half feel better, make her life a little bit better, and so forth?" So, the first and most important is that person has to stop thinking of themselves. Because this is the number one recipe for disaster in marriage is when you think of yourself. And a lot of people they don't get married not because they're not worthy or what, because they're not proving to Hashem that they're ready to go into a relationship. Cuz Hashem says, "Listen, I need you to treat your wife nice. Because your wife is a diamond, and if you're not ready for that, why should I bring her to you?" Most people in relationship, this is the the recipe for disaster in all relationship is when one person is selfish and they're thinking of themselves. What is what is in it for me? If you're going into marriage and your way of thinking is what am I gaining here, then you're even if you find your other half, it's not going to be successful. Because marriage is about what can I give the other person? This works in everything in life, in business, in partnerships. When a person is selfish and is thinking of themselves, they'll never be successful in anything, even in a business partnership, in anything. So much more so when it comes to marriage, if your agenda, if you're sitting in a date in front of a person and you're saying what is it in it for me cuz uh the person needs to be attractive or financially stable or whatever, it's I'm thinking of myself. I'm not thinking of the other person. Try it once to shift the whole method of thinking is marriage is not about me, it's about my wife. I don't want to say my husband cuz that's not going to sound nice in with all these cameras. Saying my my husband, people will be like, "Huh?" husband So, So, I'm going to say wife. Don't don't don't take it personal. But I'm saying marriage is not about me. This has nothing to do with me. And when I counsel couples about their life style and their marriage, then it's less relevant for single people. But when I talk to married people and they have different issues, I always tell them the same thing. Before you come into the house after a long day of work or whatever it is, take 5 minutes. Take a deep breath. Sit outside. Read some Tehillim. Go and pray Mincha and read something. Clear your mind. Get all the the pressure off your mind that when you come into the home, you don't come in like a gladiator and start screaming. You come in soft and nice. You don't know what the other side went through through through that that entire day. Fact that you had a bad day, you don't have to throw all this on your on your on your wife. The problem with the most that I see in disasters in relationships is when a person is selfish and they're only thinking what is in it for me. You have to completely switch the way of thinking that it's not about me, it's about the other person. This is the foundation to any successful relationship, so much more so in a marriage. Now, when I'm thinking only of myself, I'm actually not fulfilling my part in the universe. I have a part in this universe. A lot of people think they have a very low self-esteem and they think that they're just another screw in the system. But the reality is that each and every one of us has a huge part in the universe and if Hashem found it right to put you in this world is because there's a reason for that. So you need to understand that you have a huge part in in this world. But when I'm only thinking of myself, then I'm not fulfilling my part in this universe. Now, if I'm single, I don't have the way to work on my midot. I need to find my other half that will assist me to work on my midot or my characteristics. So that starts already in the process of the dating. I can't come to the date with a list of demands. I can't come to a date thinking, how am I getting the most out of that person to satisfy my needs? And this is the wrong way of looking at it. This is not how things work. So how really do you find your other half? What's the What's the method behind What's the secret? I'm going to disappoint you. There's no secret. There's no hocus pocus. But let's go into history and we'll see how it worked originally. Who's the first one who looked for a shidduch? Avraham Avinu, yeah, he looked for a shidduch for his son, for Yitzchak. He sent Eliezer. But really when you want to go back into history, who's the one who was looking for a shidduch where we see in the Torah and the Torah is the source for everything? Avraham Avinu. Now Avraham Avinu as we when you say the word of Avraham Avinu, you imagine like this old man with a camel and No, Avraham Avinu was a tycoon. He was a trillionaire. He was a minister. He controlled the entire world. Kings came to him and bowed down to him. He was something huge. We imagining some some old guy with you know, with shaking hands in the shake in a in a tent. He was like the man of the century. Now his son, Yitzchak was attractive, strong, smart, rich, the son of Avraham Avinu. Technically Yitzchak could get anyone he wanted. Technically. Just think of the dynasty. Who's Abraham Avinu? Where they come from? Their wealth and and status. Technically, Yitzchak could get whoever he wants. He could have gone to any single bar, lean on the bar, "Hey, want to marry me?" But Yitzchak didn't do that. Yitzchak was sitting and learning Torah. Abraham Avinu sends his servant Eliezer to look for a to look for a shidduch. Most people, they go after their eyes, whatever the eyes see. When people go on a shidduch, you you know, I There's so many people that when they're looking to get married, there's they they go on all sorts of different websites and they put, you know, a a profile. We started now because we have Baruch Hashem such a big organization, we started doing shidduchim, like matches, but in a completely completely different way. There's no profile. You don't post your profile for other people to look. We take the profile, we have the matchmakers, and we go in a very sophisticated way how to match the people. We have a method. And we take all the information. And the match is done not because when you see each other you go on a website and you see profiles, what are you looking for? You're looking for how the picture looks. And if there's a profile without a picture, you skip that in a second. I want to see how the person looks. Try to go out on a date without looking at the person. You know why? Because the look is deceiving. And you're looking for something in the face, and if the face is not positioned exactly how you want to, you you skip it over. And this is the biggest mistake. Abraham Avinu, when he was looking for a shidduch for Yitzchak, he wasn't looking faces. He wasn't looking at bank accounts. He wasn't looking at resumes. He was looking for one thing, good middot. Good character traits. That's how Abraham Avinu was looking for a shidduch. Most people, when they look for a shidduch, they look for how it looks on the outside. Because I I mean it has to be attractive and and and wealthy and so forth and successful. But this is the biggest mistake. Most people, they go after what they see. And and they Most people don't understand that this is where you fail because the the the looks doesn't matter. I'm talking about necessarily the appearance, but the look is very deceiving. That's not how you find the your other half. And a lot of people, like I said before, they're mistaking marriage that it's all about love. Really, I can tell you from my own experience, really to fall in love is not before the marriage. You really fall in love after the marriage. When you really learn about who's that person. How can you fall in love with somebody you never know? You don't know who who that person is. Real real to fall in love is when you live with the person and you see the kindness of the person, when the person cares for you, when you look the worst and that person is looking at you. You know, last year, maybe you maybe some of you remember, I came here last year on another on a tour. But before that, I was going down the stairs in my house and I fell and I hurt my back. I I had a herniated disc. I was in in in bed. I couldn't move. Excruciating pain. And this is the first time when I really realized how much I really appreciate, adore, and love my wife. Why? Because when I was at my bottom, at the lowest, that's when she came to help me, to care about me, to assist me. Nobody else cared. I was flat on my back. I couldn't move. Pain, excruciating pain. This is the time when she put the socks on my on my legs, when she tied the shoes, when she cared, "Are you in pain? Can I help you? Can I move the pillow?" And I didn't I didn't look nice. I wasn't you know I wasn't in my best. I was in my worst. And that's when I saw that that's when she really cares. If she wouldn't care, I would be sitting sleeping on the bed is in agony. And I was like, "Look at that. This is this is the real wife. And she cares about me when I'm in pain. And when it's hard for me and when I'm suffering. And that's when I was like, "Wow." That's when it hit me. I had a lot of time to think. I was flat in bed. It was also impossible to read because I couldn't even hold the book. It was the first time that I actually heard a lectures online. I was like, "Now I understand why people go online and listen to lectures all day long." Somebody walked into the room and I was listening to myself. I was the speaker. Nevertheless, I had a lot of time to think. And that's when I was like, "You know what?" That's when I realized that when I fell in love with my wife is not when I saw her. It's that time when I actually realized, "Wow, she actually cares about me. It's a real caring. It's not fake." And this is the real love. The where the marriage is not about holding hand in hand and you and you fall in love with what's now. It's what comes much much later. And if you're smart, you see a little bit into the future. Looks change, money goes, money comes. I have very good friends that when they got married, the husband had a unbelievable job, was making an exorbitant amount of money, a beautiful house, a car, everything. And when she got into the marriage, everything was beautiful. Seven years later, he got fired, things went down, he lost all the money, he became depressed, sick. Don't ask. The worst of the worst. And she was a shame. She was smart. She was a a true a true trooper. She stick with him. Oh, what a shame. Now things are better. But I goes to show you that sometimes at the time of the dating or the marriage, things are one way and things can change any second. So you can't judge things by by things that will come and go. You have to look in a person what stays forever. Not long ago one of my students tells me I'm dating a girl, I like her, she looks fine and everything so far is good but what really should I really look into her? And I told him just look at the middle, just look at the characteristics, look if she's she's caring, if she's loving, if she's courteous, if she's charitable. Look at these things. These things don't change. These things don't change and you know, put her into through some tests. Sometimes you know, when you go on dates, you're looking at the external part. This is a wrong thing. Put the the person on some test. See if the person how fast the person loses their temper. How patient the person is. Take them on a drive on the BQE, stand in traffic for 2 hours. Traffic is the best way to test your nerves. So you want to see if a person is aggre- angry or aggravated or gets, you know, upset or whatever. Just take him on a ride. Let's go on a When I go on a date, yeah, let's go on a drive on the BQE for like a just from this exit to that exit. Why? You know, you know, the the just See how fast the person gets upset when they you know, the ones who go like this, they zigzag and they get upset. Some people unfortunately when people cut them in the street, what what comes out of their mouth, they curse the parents, they mother, they know the professional the mother, they know everything. So Real love is tested when you are in the worst place in your in your life, not when you're in the peak. And that's how you test if you really want to be with another person. When the person comes with makeup and a beautiful dress and everything, that's very nice. People should go on dates at 7:00 in the morning. When the eyes are like that and they you know, the hair is still sticking That's how you have to go on a date, not at 9:00 at night when the person is relaxed and then you know, 3 hours of makeup and the whole thing should change completely. Go meet the person 6:00 in the morning. Hi. Just wanted to see how you look in the morning. You think after the wedding you wake up in the morning and there's makeup? No. So, you can't fool yourself. This is This is what the problem is. A lot of people fool themselves and they want to see something that doesn't really exist. You have to be realistic. Now, going back again to the to the love part, the real love is not when you date. The real love is developed through the years. When it's really your other half, the love grows. You know, in a lot of groups, in Hasidic groups and and and different Orthodox groups, you know, there's a match and they don't really know each other. They go on two, three dates. Everything seems to work. Well, that's it. They get married. They don't even know who they are. They look at each other in the wedding. That's you? So, but nevertheless, these in my lot of the cases, these are the most successful marriages because it's not based on anything external. It's based on parameters and you know what? It doesn't It works. I told you now, when we're doing all these matches, we don't show each other profiles. Here they say, "Show me how she looks." I'm not showing you anything. I'm not showing you how she looks. You're going to go to the date. What, a blind date? No, I'm not It's a blind date. We're going to go through all your information, your information and we match it. Like they used to do 2,000 years ago and you know what? The match is perfect. Why? Because there's no there's no schmutz around. There's no financial status, there's no looks. And the love is developed as you go. A lot of times I hear from people that are dating, "Ah, but I don't really love him." You love him, you know, for 3 and 1/2 weeks. What do you mean you love him? What did he do to to prove to you that you can develop love? So, first and most important that you have to be extremely not selfish and think of the other person, not to look at the external part. We have to really look at the inside, the premium of things and not the external part. External things they they come and go. So, this is one of the most important things. There's no hocus pocus. But, how do you start looking for a other half? When Eliezer, the servant of Abraham Avinu, went to look for a shidduch, if you remember the story, he came to the well and he was looking for a girl. Why would he go to the well? Wouldn't you go like to a club? Why go into a well? Because he knew that if he goes to a club, she'll be dressed with makeup and a dress and she would look the the best. He says, "I'm going to go to the well where she's going to come dirty. Her hair is not going to be all in a ponytail. She's going to be working." You know, going to work with high heels and and makeup. So, he went dafka to the well. And he says, "I want to see the girl that's going to do chesed." He was looking for the one who was going to care about somebody else and what does he found? A girl that cares about the thirst of an animal. She gave water to the camels. And he's like, "That's the one that will fit my master's child." And along this line, this is where we have to think. What is good for me? Not how it looks. That's why, you know, um going to a club to look for your other half, you're not going to find anybody. I mean, okay, so once in a blue moon you hear about a couple that met in a club. You don't meet your wife in a club. And you don't trust me, you don't want to meet your husband in a club because it's all fake. This is not where you're going to find the real other half. Now, you can lie to yourself, live in denial, get married, in 10 years get after that get divorced. Why? Because it's, you know, you dated for 3 months, everything looked good and then things passed. The real other half, the connection is spiritual. It's not physical. It has nothing to do with the physical. Now, don't get me wrong. Has to be compatibility in the physicality. Has to be attraction. Has to be, you know, a lot of common denominators. It's not that I'm just saying go completely blind. But, that has to be secondary. Needless to say, of course, it has to be some type of an attraction. And and things that you like about the other person. But, the real search is coming from a more deeper place. Now, like I said before, a lot of the times people don't get married not because they're doing something wrong. It's because they're not proving to Hashem that they're ready for marriage. And Hashem says, "Listen, your other half is ready. You're not ready." And I gave a lecture a month ago, you can look at it online, where I'm explaining how And this is sourced in the Torah, that if one person is in a certain spiritual level and the other half is not in the same spiritual level, they might not find each other. Because the one who's much, much greater in their spiritual level, they're going to match to that person from the heavens, a person in their level. And then you don't find your real other half. I know it sounds very, very sad. But, that's what the Torah explains. And I always give the same example that many years ago when I got married, we were a group of friends and around the same year everybody got married. Besides one girl. And she could find her husband. And every event that we went, everybody was married, she was the one sitting by herself. And there was nothing wrong with her. She was young, she was very attractive, very successful, smart. But, that's an amazing catch. Could not find her husband. And as the time goes by, you know, we all started at the same time to have our first kid and the second kid and we're kind of the same group of people who grew up together. And she was by herself, you know, sitting always by herself in the you know the way the wedding she was all by herself. We couldn't figure out why she can't get married. Baruch Hashem, 4 years ago, I lived in New York and I made aliyah to Eretz Israel and before that I may lived in Los Angeles for about a year. Okay, we moved to Los Angeles. We were like visitors there. We were new. My wife tells me, "Don't ask where we're going to eat on Shabbat." So, I'm like, "Okay, who?" She's like, "Remember so-and-so?" "Oh, of course. She lives here. She invited us to Shabbat." I was like, "Oh, great. Beautiful news." And she tells me she's married. I'm like, "What? Wow, amazing. Even better news." Okay, we go there on Shabbat. Beautiful house. We meet the husband. Like a Mr. Perfect. Tall, handsome, huge beautiful home, good job, very stable, sharp, courteous, polite. Like literally like a perfect husband. Okay, we're talking. We see little kid running around. Like a perfect life. Wow. Of course, we're so happy for her. And you know, as the conversation were going, we were like, "So, you know, how did you meet? Where did you meet?" Long story short, she was an observant girl. She did teshuvah. She was observant. When she was looking for a husband, she was looking for a husband that learns Torah, that prays three times a day. She specifically was looking for a husband with a beard. She knew she had and then okay, I want an observant husband. We found out that maybe a year before they got married, he became a baal teshuvah. So, 10 years before that when she was looking for a husband, he was on some beach in India doing I don't know what. But I know what he was doing. I don't want to say it out publicly, but but when she was looking for a husband, he was in a completely different place. So, she was in a very high spiritual level. He was not. Lucky for her that they didn't match to her somebody else from Shamayim because the Torah says there's enough sources that explain that if a one person is in a much higher spiritual place, they'll match to that person somebody in their spiritual level even though it's not the other half. And the other one will have to wait or whatever it is and there's many different scenarios. In that specific case, she didn't get married for so many years because he was in his journey. And finally he did shuvah, Hashem smacked him in his face, he woke up and a year later he was already in Yeshiva, then he looked like what she was looking for and finally they got married. So, many times it's not that something is wrong with your other half. Sometimes something's wrong with you. And Hashem says, "You're not ready. Your other half has already reached to the place that they're ready. You're not. You need to step it up a little bit." So, we have to understand that I have to prove to the Kadosh Baruch Hu that I'm ready to get married. Getting married is not just putting a ring on and that's it. It's a lot of hard work. A lot of hard work. You have to start developing this relationship with the with the with that person and usually, you know, the first month or two is okay and that's it. Then you start saying, "Wait a minute, I'm I'm not I don't like this person so much. It's not what I wanted." But that's not necessarily the situation. Sometimes it's exactly what you need. So, first of all I have to also prove to Hashem that I'm worthy. Now, really, when I look for the best advice to give somebody to get married is to stop thinking of yourself. That's why I started the lecture by saying, "If I say something that it sounds a little bit harsh, don't don't take it personally. Don't get offended." But most people are selfish, they're thinking of themselves. And the way to know when you think of yourself is when you're looking for something too much and you're looking at the person you sit in the date and you start judging the person. He eats like this, he does like that, she talks like this, she talks like that and the voice is annoying and this and that's when you're thinking of yourself. Because you're saying that person is annoying me. My highness. I mean, she's annoying me. Or maybe you're annoying her. Maybe she's unhappy so much with how you holding yourself. So really the first and most important rule how I see it is you have to stop thinking of yourself. And when you're ready looking at the other person, the best is to test the person in the most extreme situations. That's why I told you, don't go on a date at 9:00 in the evening. Go on a date at 7:00 in the morning. Take a date on the drive on the BQE. Let's see how much patience the person has. So you missed the joke. You walked in a little bit later. We said the joke before. The point is that you want to see when the person is not shaped up and made up and all that. You want to see when the person is real. And that's really the way to look for your other half is to for to look between the lines, not to look for the fakeness, not to look for the external part, rather to look at the internal part. And really there's so much more what to say, but I believe that when a person really humbles themselves, that's how I found my wife and it's not that I'm different than anybody else. I also got married pretty late. And you know what? When I was going on dates and looking for my for my wife, and this one I didn't like, that one I I but I was very open to let's see what Hashem wants. Because you know what? Most likely my wife is not how I pictured her. She's not going to be the same height, she's not going to look the same, she's not going to come from the background that I was expecting. And you know what? The more you are willing to give in, the more you'll be surprised. The more you're coming with a list of demands, then you get disappointed. But the more you say, "Hashem, just send me just send me the right person." And you'll see how the Kadosh Baruch Hu turns things around and gives you exactly what you need, not what you want. And when I was going out on dates, so in the beginning it didn't go out so well. And I was like, "You know what? I was only 28. I was like, 'You know what? I don't think right now is the time for me to get married. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go to Yeshiva. I'm going to study for like 2 years. And you know, I'll go out of Yeshiva after 2 years. It's a nice amount of time to learn Torah. I'm still young. I'm going to be 30. And then I'll look for my other half.'" And the second that I committed to going to Yeshiva and not to look for my wife, 2 weeks later I found her. So, okay, you can you can blame it so to say on the on the the yetzer hara didn't want me to learn, but it's nonsense. The fact is that I was ready to to subdue myself. Hashem, you just send me what you want. Whenever you're ready, whenever it's the right time, whenever you want me to get married, then you'll do it. So, I have to also learn to to give in and to subdue myself to the schedule of the Kadosh Baruch Hu. Most people they they they don't include Hashem in this. You have to include include Hashem in your prayers. You have to include Hashem in in in your in your actions. You can't not include Hashem in this. And you know, sometimes you have to step it up in your in your spiritual work. And usually it's going to be a test. I know a lot of people they come and tell me, "Listen, you know, yeah, I know you tell me to pray. I'm praying already for 2 years." But maybe it requires 2 and 1/2 years of prayers. And yeah, I took on myself all these mitzvot. All the rabbis tell me to take on myself mitzvot, to make a cleat. Well, that you didn't lose anything. And maybe that's what you really need to do. Maybe your wife is in a much higher spiritual level, and you can't find her because you're in a much lower level. So, to kind of summarize exactly what one needs to do is needless to say there's no question that a person needs to constantly involve Hashem and you do this with prayer and you do it with your actions. You have to be humble. You have to see, first of all, not the other person's faults when you're sitting in a date, it's to see your own faults and to see how my how am I making that person's life better, not how that person is making my life better. When you switch the whole pattern of thought, you see things come and look become completely different. And of course, most importantly, you need to be humble to see that everybody has faults. You also have faults. And you know, when I was looking at my wife when we were going on dates, I was I was not looking at the good things. I was looking at the bad things. I was looking for faults. Has to be something that I need to see what I need to work with. And you know, then very quickly I found, okay, that I'm not so crazy about this, I'm not so crazy about it, but whatever, you know, the 70% that is good, 30% is not the best, whatever, but it's it's workable. It's going to help me become a better person. I can help her become a better person. The marriage is about building the relationship and the marriage is not only about me and her because then very soon after that comes kids. And then the focus is not on the marriage, the focus is on the kids. So, marriage is much more than just going into a chuppah and finishing with it and some nice pictures. It's much more than that. And of course, like I said, needless to say one needs to include the Kadosh Baruch Hu in in in everything that they do and pray. Now is a very auspicious time in the month of Elul to really look at my previous year and do teshuvah. We're in a very auspicious time now before Rosh Hashanah. Our sages explained that on Rosh Hashanah everything that you're going to get in the next coming year is decided on Rosh Hashanah. So, you have now a whole month to prepare yourself spiritually and emotionally and mentally to the day of Rosh Hashanah that when you come there, you pray to the Kadosh Baruch Hu the right way that he will send you exactly what you need at the right time, the right way. You have to be very, very uh humble in front of Hashem and to understand that the Kadosh Baruch Hu has a certain schedule. He works on his schedule, not on my schedule. And I find that the more humble you are, then the faster Hashem delivers your other half and the in the best way possible. Fortunately, we we suffer from this this disease called an ego. And it's about me and how am I get What am I getting from here? How is that benefiting me? This is not to my liking. So, the point from now on to take is not to just sit here and I see a lot of heads like agreeing. I don't know if they're agreeing or just saying, "Okay, Chana, you said enough." But you know, a lot of heads are like, "Well, you know, I think there's this dog in the They put on the dashboards, the you know, the Chihuahua. So, So, the point is not to go like this. The point is to say, "Okay, let me take something with me tonight that I can apply to change my life." If you go to a lecture and you're sitting and you're going out of the lecture and you then don't take something out of the lecture besides breathing the air here and warming my cup of tea, you didn't do anything. You wasted your time. I know that most people they come to a lecture, they don't take anything with them. They take maybe a CD or the the flyer for the next lecture. The point is to go out of the door and to say, "Okay, what am I taking in my life that I will change something in my life?" So, my recommendation is you take with you something spiritual. So, you take on yourself a certain mitzvah that is difficult for you to do. Specifically, something that is difficult because you want to have resistance. Difficult mitzvot are what's causing you to grow spiritually. And I'm needless to say that you you want to choose something that you're not going to do it for 3 days and stop. That you're going to be uh uh uh uh persistent with it. But more than that, the the the best practice one can do is when you look in the mirror every morning, is to look at yourself and you tell yourself, "Listen, I'm not that great myself. I also have faults. And you know what? If I'm changing my my way of thinking that it's not about what I gain gain from that, it's what the other person, what can I give another person when I in my mind make a switch that I want to be a giver, I want to care about the well-being of somebody else, where can I make somebody else's life better?" You start thinking more about the other person than yourself, you're proving to Hashem that here I'm ready to go into a relationship. Because a a successful relationship is not about me. If you're going into any type of relationship and you're thinking only about yourself, it's not going to be successful. So this message is the the same to somebody single, somebody who's already married. I see so many people, they get married, they're already past the barrier of finding the other half. They just Now they're in the marriage and they just don't have a good marriage. Why? Because all they're thinking about is what is in it for me. So this is this is the the deal breaker. You have to switch your whole pattern of thought is what can I do to the other person? And it's not again, like I said before, it's not only in in marriage, it's in in partnerships, in business, in anything. You have to think what can I do to the other person. So I will bless you, especially in such a beautiful and auspicious month, that Hashem should bless you all. If you're looking for your other half, that you should find the perfect and the right other half, and Hashem should give you the common sense, the the the understanding to see really your other half when you see it, and you know it's not going to come in the colors that you are imagining. It's like ordering a car and you have a dream that the car is supposed to be blue and then they don't have blue, we only have the red one. Sorry, you're stuck with it for 3 years. So Has v'shalom, this is not the same with marriage, but usually it doesn't come in the color that you ordered. And Hashem should bless you with their right common sense to see things clear that you'll be able to recognize your other half. Not too long ago, one of the our students, she came and she was like, "I'm going on a date." Baruch Hashem, for months she was waiting to find somebody. Finally, Baruch Hashem, there was a date. And she was like, "What should I do before I go on the date?" So, I told her, "Instead of being in front of the mirror for 3 hours with the mascara and the lipstick, be in front of the mirror for 10 minutes. Just put a little bit of makeup that you will look nice. And for 3 hours before the date, read Tehillim, pray Mincha, maybe go and do some act of kindness, help somebody that you have the light of chesed shining from you, that you sit in front of that person, he was not going to look at your appearance. He's going to see this beautiful energy radiating for you. Why? Because you did this huge mitzvah. Prepare yourself for the for the date the right way. Don't prepare yourself in front of the mirror that every eyelash is in the right direction, every hair is like, "Am I just going to look at this Look normal? That's it." And nice clean clothes and but prepare yourself spiritually. You know why? Because when we do good acts, we do mitzvot, acts of kindness, charity, and so forth, your your neshama is radiating and you're projecting this amazing light that people see this energy, not the external, the physicality. So, may Hashem you know, I'm going to bless you all to be successful and I hope to get many wedding invitations after tonight. And Hashem should bless you to find your other half and build a bayit ne'eman b'Yisrael. And you should merit to stand under a chuppah and kiddushin this coming year. And merit to have a beautiful home in the nation of Israel with many kids, many healthy kids, a house of Torah, a house of a house of yirat shamayim. And the most important thing that I can leave you, the message that you should leave tonight is what can I do to the world to make the world and specifically my other half better and I can guarantee to you that's how that's how you convince the the the master of the universe that you I'm ready to a relationship. It's to be much much much less selfish. When you start thinking of others, you'll see that you'll be okay. Now you convinced me. Now I see you're ready to go into a marriage and you'll take care of your other half. You'll take care of the kids and you're not going to think just of yourself. With good decision and this powerful month of I should bless you with everything that you do and I hope I make you get many wedding invitations. May God bless you.