The heart of Marriage; Rabbi Shimon Russell, LCSW

thank you everybody welcome to tonight's program tonight is sheer number 60 with the let's get real program with coach menachem bernfield and uh tonight's a very very special share super special again i want to tell everybody the the zoom share sunday night at 10 o'clock it's a tremendously growing platform and i always think every week everybody who comes on every week uh people come on every week because they know about it and they tell their friends about it and they post it on their whatsapp statuses email to the friends and again based on the topic based on speakers you know not everybody comes every week but the words getting around and uh again i want to thank you and tremendously for coming on again this week there was an article in magazine about the program how it started and um how this little uh little uh i don't know joke but this little uh little neighborhood thing turned into a world's program and it's helping thousands and thousands of people and we're very thankful for that and um you have the whole history over there if you want to read it about it i also want to say that um i happen to be last shot with somebody told me something very interesting i wanted to mention it because it hit a nerve in my mind a woman told me she lives in the middle of america i want to mention where and there's no from you then where she lives there's no shul there's no anything and she's whatever reason she's there and she said she comes every sunday night to the program just for the physic this is like her connection with everything so i just i felt i never even thought of that aspect of it i thought it was tremendous again for anybody who's watching this the replay of this on youtube click on the like button more smash the like button hit subscribe so man often can make hundreds of millions of dollars we could all be rich and retire that's the goal here and i want to start off with thanking our advertising sponsors the lakewood schoof robbie anita from kazakh who i want to get a special thank you to robbie last week who hooked us up with daniel cass was an unbelievable share tremendous feedback probably you're the best special thank you to kylie kaufman summer jcn jewish content for always coming on promoting us on all the digital jewish platforms again for anybody who's here for the first time every sunday night at 10 10 o'clock p.m it's on this zoom id we have amazing shirin amazing speeches biggest rabonan biggest rabbis and um it's really very uplifting last week i had this close to spending shabbos for sherman russell who's now a narcissist what time is it russell four o'clock five o'clock eight o'clock five o'clock you wake up every day this time so it's not a big deal for you i know and we spent amazing shout outs by kesha nakshi uh again i speak about casual action because i'm a big hustler of the program people that have struggling children um they come there and um i brought a few people with me and every every time we go it's it's unbelievable wherever sherman leads the leads the lead leaves the least leads the program and um there's gonna be another one january 1st in connecticut really anybody who's in this partnership please sign up and get involved with it it's tremendous physics for people i just wanted to mention that so we spent shovels together and uh i said robert russell you know maybe come back on the program we could talk about something so we discussed uh marriage is always the is the number one thing so we're actually gonna we're gonna address some things tonight so we appreciate that and uh next sunday is june 20th it's gonna be shabasa thomas it's gonna be a fast the fast day in america is gonna end around 9 30. so miyamoto with our board of directors made a corporate decision to cancel next week because we will not be able to have a share because just the timing doesn't work but we have a an amazing program scheduled for june 27th i can't give all the details yet because i don't know them myself but once i get them all i'll let you know it's going to be an amazing program as usual so hope to see everybody june 27th again tonight we have discussed we have sherman russell with us from artistrol thank you again for agreeing to come on let's start with an opening statement from our host coach menachem thank you very much so i want to welcome everyone to another share and let's get real with coach menachem and especially want to welcome those who are here for the first time um whichever way you found out about it in their article or whatever it is so this is the place where we bought hashem had a lot of shamaya the past over a year we have put many discussions on the table with different um people to discuss and a lot of bhakshan the feedback is really really amazing to see how many people got insight and ideas so that they can grow and continue it's hashem we're still coming down from the high from last week with neil cats like we heard that most of us we had a chance to sit in on a few sessions with robbie katz and how he was able to change people's perspective and uh ideas or guilt or whatever it was and for those who didn't see it the replay is up tonight tonight's topic talking about marriage it's also pretty vague uh the heart of marriage many people every everybody in their posture and everybody is thinking you know what it's negative for me we have people who are in shidduchim and they want to know what marriage is all about so there are some people are here tonight thinking of dating some actively dating and want to know what to look for and those who just got married and i'm not sure um sometimes they have the marriage blues and the not sure what's going on and the work who can they talk to and to ask the questions what am i looking for what am i not looking for what am i doing right and then we have those all the way another side of the spectrum who when you talk about marriage maybe they'll listen but it hasn't worked for many years and they don't believe anymore that anything can help them but if you're still here tonight the truth is before we start i want to mention that if you feel that like like i hear from many people they say yeah they're all good ideas but if you know my story my story is different so if you feel that way maybe you can try to disconnect from your story tonight and just sit on the side and listen as if somebody else came to you and asked you for ideas and you're listening different ideas and yes in yours you don't see any hope but just by listening to them and not trying to apply them to yours which which the other thing is everybody thinks if only my spouse would change and if only my spouse would go for help then everything would be good and i've tried many times and they're not willing so here i am what am i gonna take out from this so if you're here listen and i believe in mirth hashem like always with yata deshamaya we'll get the right guidance and i'm very happy to have sherman tonight again and it with hashem it should be with with a lot of seated ishmael thank and i just want to correct my dates again next week is june 27th we should also thomas and the next year will be july 4th sorry about that i'm a little tired okay tonight's share um is sponsored by recovery at the crossroads recovery at the crossroads is the only kosher inpatient facility treatment in the tri-state area they're a licensed co-occurring treatment facility which means they are licensed not to not only treat substance abuse but also any other type of underlying mental condition such as anxiety depression or trauma they've been around for 15 plus years and they've helped many from families and put them in tremendous effort and working together with the families if you or anybody you know is struggling with an addiction please feel free to reach out to them the number is 888 466 again that's 888-466-5950 and they're located in the tri-state area um again i'm going to be talking about marriage tonight the heart of the marriage whatever that means we'll find out very shortly should i give it away russell should i tell them people don't realize i i have no idea what you're going to say so i'm going to read your bio and then we'll go straight to it okay shimmer russell um supposed to have me here russell psychotherapist in private practice in jerusalem he holds an msw from rutgers graduate of social work and completed the clinical externship program at the procedures acumen institute for family therapy new york he's a popular author and speaker was presented on many mental health related topics throughout the world his expertise in working with orthodox jewish communities on issues related to marriage struggling adolescence teens and their families treatment trauma in general and all types of abuse he's considered an authority on challenge that children at risk in teens and uh again i just want to mention also another program that robert russell started recently it's fresh start it's a rebuild it's uh i don't even know how to describe it also maybe we could describe it it's a trauma recovery center trauma recovery center located in detroit and it's an unbelievable program and i know that it just started a few months ago but uh the feedback i got from the people that actually attended uh is unbelievable and if anybody is going through tremendous trauma or thinks that they're going through trauma definitely reach out the first start and see if you uh that program can help you so again robert sherman the floor is yours open it up thank you usher thank you minaham it's a pleasure to be back again thank you it's our third time together and let's see if we can do some good fourth time is it the fourth time oh wow okay let's see if we can do some good and help a few people so someone sent me an email and they asked me you know we talk about marriage by us we talk about shaolin bias so they asked me if i could explain introduce it by explaining what do we mean by shalom bias what does this term refer to so this sounds a little deep but i'd like to address this because i think this is at the heart of marriage this is the core of understanding how a marriage works is to understand this term shalom bias the fact is the entire world is made up of opposites and all these opposites balance each other out this is the way the world is day and night hot and cold happiness and sadness life and death good and bad right and wrong and of course the biggest one men and women opposites the world's made up of opposites and these opposites working together is what creates shalom bias so there are two words that we use in hebrew to reference different things that somehow work together one ish lamas shalom which is and one is afters now they really mean two completely different things people think they're interchangeable we know we need and glyphosate the schlemmers of glycol we need actors and clay zone these words we have to be medic what they mean exactly because they reveal to us something very crucial i believe about how we can go through the journey of our marriages and grow from the marriage after this means making everything one everything's the same after the marshall i give for actors is like you take a tray of ice cubes out of the freezer and you crack them on your counter and take a look at all the ice cubes if you look cut closely at all the ice cubes you'll notice they're all a little different they don't crack out the the tray exactly the same they're a little different but if you put them in into a jug and let them melt and then you re-freeze them they're completely indistinguishable they've merged together they're one it's just one big piece chunk of ice you cannot see the ice cubes schlamus is more like a fruit salad you know if you have any individual fruit it tastes like apples tastes nice pineapple tastes nice different types of melons they all taste nice but when you put them all together in the same fruit bowl each one brings out the special flavor of the other one that's more sweet together with something more tart something harder together with something softer each one brings out the uniqueness and the flavor and what's special about the other one in fact you can always see them you can never distinguish them it never they never merge together but but instead they work together that's a fruit salad as opposed to the ice cubes when you re-melt them they're one they're afters the fruit salad is like shlamos they're shaolin they're different components that work together in harmony that's what that's what shalom really is like we say in filler i say charlemagne will make shalom in the heavens should make shaolin with us so what do you mean make solomon in the heavens don't get along of course they get a lot so there's number shalom is not a lack of much like us you don't have charlemagne okay let's not have much locus in our house therefore we have shalom that's not charlemagne that's not shaolin bias shalom bias means taking distinct people different people different tunas different natures different shahifas different desires to each other and you work together to create something greater than the sum of its parts that shalom bias it's it's working together and bringing out the best in each other not trying to make each other the same and that we should both function the same and be the same and act the same as this is good for me it has to be good for you that's not shaolin bias sheldon bias is on the contrary i celebrate your uniqueness the fact that you're different to me and that celebration of your uniqueness brings out the best in you and you do the same for me and we become so much greater than we could ever have been alone that's shalom bias it's a profound decide based on that overall i want to present or suggest two principles that if we live by these principles you'll have an unbelievable marriage the first principle is you have to accept that rabindra shalom made men and women in a way that we cannot get along naturally it's not ever i see a smile you know my toes already but it's so fundamental to me it's so at the heart of what marriage is really about is this embracing this fundamental idea that we've made to be different the turrets sell the test to this lotobeaus adam levante it's not good for men to be alone i'll make an a's a help mate who's connected though he's opposite to him so the guard says and then the people often say i always cringe when i hear that shiver brothers it's like a man's world zohar he's he gets an asia he's not so he gets a connector you know it sounds like it's all it's all about him but i'd like to say a little deeper the morale suggests a different mahalo than that a different approach and he says something absolutely beautiful zachary person is zaika he understands that marriage we're meant to be different we're meant to bring out the best of each other we're not meant to be the same we're not meant to force each other to act feel and think the same as each other but on the contrary we're meant to bring out the best and the beauty of each other if a person does that zakah he said her to see the uniqueness and the specialness in his spouse then she's an asia she helps him by not being him she's connected she's not him she forces him to grow if he is not sofa he doesn't see the beauty in that he doesn't realize that his wife his spouse being different to him is actually helpful to him then she's connectedly love him says the morale she goes to war on him she fights with him her wife she's always opposite to him but the opposite nature is a nature that's designed to help him grow and be a better person and work on himself once he understands that and embraces that and challenges himself she's the laser connector she's her opposite nature is an asia helps him if he doesn't see that lo zacher she's connected lilachem she goes to war on him that's the first principle know the fact that when you're me when you get married men and women were made by rabbani shalom not to get along with each other naturally it's not teva we have to work at it and it's that goof of that work is what makes marriage so special and it forces us to and it never ends never ends you can be married 50 60 it never ends there's always tweaking there's always fine tuning to the end of your life you'll never have a moment where there's not some some purpose to fine-tune yourself and grow from your marriage that's principle one principle number two is based on the rambam this is profound the rambam tells our values our philosophy our feelings our thoughts our emotions our attitude towards life there is everyone is different and they're not diamond they're afraid we're completely different every one of us all of us we float around the world in what i call a deus bubble it's a bubble we're floating around and inside this bubble i got myself my own experience my own beliefs my needs my own thoughts it's me me me inside my bubble it's all about me and i actually believe i fool myself to actually believe that what i think inside my dais bubble represents truth absolute truth i comfort myself by feeling that my feelings and my thoughts represent something that's absolute that's universal and i believe the way i see life i don't even realize i believe that way but i just float around like you know in the world i'm enjoying life and everything's perfect it's all about me it's marvelous it's cavalli that's until you bump into someone else's deus bubble the thing is when you get married you very quickly realize that your spouse has their own deus bubble and it's rejected it's completely different they're no two the same hey i can prove this but it's another time not for now but the fact is your deus bible there this bubble the chances of them being the same is zero can i say that louder it's zero it's impossible that you will marry a person whose deus bubble everything inside that bubble actually matches everything inside your bubble it's not possible and every now and again you collide and you pop each other's bubbles and it's very painful we need that bubble to feel safe and secure and you collide with each other and the bubbles pop but that's meant to happen and over the course of your marriage what's meant to happen is that that bumping into someone else's bubble that you live with that you have to work with every day you have to work out how to make that schlamus the shalom bias to work together that process makes you who you are and who you're meant to be that's how you grow if it wasn't like that so we just get married nothing would change what are we getting married for what's what's it all about where are we going with our marriage but the fact that we have a this deus bubble life and bumping into your spouse's deus bubble challenges you to expand yours until you keep expanding and spanning and expanding so the more you go through life together the more you expand yourself to include your spouse in your deus bubble they become inclusive you have to change them you have to change you so that you expand yourself well enough so you include them in your world and and and you feel you live in harmony that's what it means shalom bias shalom bias is two distinct people with different deus different values the very fact that men and women we we just can't get along naturally we have different tunas with different genders we have different emotional makeup but that journey together that's called shalom bias shalom means working together building each other bringing out the best of each other and that journey never ends it's a lifetime it accompanies us that's why i believe the kedusha the holiness the sanctity of shaolin bias is so beyond everything else it's the central theme it's the core it's the cornerstone of our entire vedas hashem our entire life in this world is working ourselves using the schallen bias to expand ourselves enough to include someone else in our world honor them celebrate them bring out the best in them and you have this life of harmony of growth of purpose a meaning and and it is there every day and every moment of your life you you live through this meaning and it's absolutely awesome that's charlemage i hope that's clear do we need to go on the shirt with the with the questions or should we stop here have a great night russell i was laughing when you said the thing that husband and wife not not meant to get there i just i couldn't understand what you're saying it was so it's a foreign concept so i was blown away by it i was just blown away exactly most people relate to what you're talking about okay let's take a poll let me just tell everybody what's going on we got a lot of questions in and of them we work through some of the questions and we try to like compile them because we're trying to address different issues so we try to combine it together so meanwhile we'll take a poll and we'll get the feeling from the crowd we'll see everybody's holding get some ideas and then we'll get to some questions and we're also the questions are going to knock you out okay here we go and you're ready i'm ready no problem in your opinion marriage without working on it will eventually three choice option everybody could answer it's anonymous i'm not going to follow up on it with you get stronger as time goes on option a option b stays stagnant marriage without work or c it will decompose it's the first question to compensate okay whatever same thing what is the option what is the optimal the the optional point we should try strive to reach in our marriages it's three options what's what's the point that we're trying to really strive for a learn to tolerate my spouse's shortfalls love my spouse even though they have shortfalls or option c realize that their shortfalls is the only way from my growth and to strengthen our marriage those are the two questions give five seconds to answer it optimal okay thank you okay five seconds four three two one okay let's share that with everybody in your opinion your marriage without working it will eventually five percent of people feel that it will get stronger as time goes on naturally just marriage by itself goes straight you know stronger sixteen percent of people feel that it stays stagnant seventy nine percent of people people feel that it will start decomposing or whatever you want to use that word number two what is the optimal point we should strive to reach in our marriages four percent of people said learn to tolerate my spouse's shortfalls 27 of people say love my spouse even with their shortfalls and 69 of people say realize that the spouse's shortfalls is only from my growth and to strengthen our marriage okay connects the screens to get the thing out of your face okay robert russell should we go the questions you want to address that yeah no i want to address that i want to be michael okay are you taking it off the screen are we going back um i think i can put it back on you want me to put it back on yeah okay hold on you can take it off right the pulse um yeah i mean you have to actually just x the box if you want to get out of the way stop sharing results okay yeah okay i still don't see you but there you are no i don't well there you are got it got it got it got it got it i exited it got it yeah yeah i want to just be mindful of the word shortfalls you know i once myself uh honestly to my chagrin i i want to acknowledge that i once spoke in early years about the same word and i talked about my spouse's shortfalls over the years i quite honestly was embarrassed that i ever thought this way and i just want to say it hello it's not personal here of course but it's it's something we all fall into that we actually think for one moment about my spouse's shortfalls without saying it correctly which is the shortfalls in my perception my subjective opinion that's not shortfalls just to think of it as my spouse's shortfalls my spouse is my spouse and the richness of their life with their good and their bad and their rights and they're wrong i've got mine my gosh we've all got that you know this is not who that their is only a perception i perceive those things as his sightness but guess what in the truth of marriage and this is like hard to hear but it's the truth the things i perceive in the early years of my marriage as my spouse's quote and i i'm uncomfortable saying the word but shortfalls they're just saying this the things that i perceive as their cosinus turns out that when you go through marriage and you work together working with their casinos with compassion with sensitivity with kindness elevating and expanding yourself even if you have to address those so-called shortfalls you have to deal with them what you need to do with yourself to be authentic to be truthful not to put your head in the sand and deny it but to face it but to face those shortfalls with compassion and kindness what that does for you as it launches your growth turns out that her shortfalls or his shortfalls are actually the vehicle the primary vehicle for your growth it's the challenges in the marriage that make you grow so the shortfalls are really perceived for sinus that are really perfect for you as far as i'm concerned when a kurdish broker is miserable he gives me a spouse with the exact right perceived his sinus that will compel me to grow and it's the the approach to dealing with those his signus that i have to deal with it with compassion with sensitivity with love with kindness and with patience makes me a better person so you tell me you're a busher that's cosinus is that concern this is that your faults or is that my ticket is that the way i grow is that my vehicle is that my gift we have to change our heads our headspace and look at it differently it's not i'm tolerating her sadness is the sadness i'm utilizing the perceived facilities to make myself a better person if the only thing i do is have to work out how to deal with it in a compassionate and kind way imagine the growth and the benefit to my life by doing so there you go with that you changed we changed everything i think all the problems fall away and you have many people that that are sitting and and can't figure out how to get out of their problems and psychologically they what you're saying would make a lot of sense but how in the world do they change the perspective the way they look at their spouse changing my perspective about my spouse is possible changing my spouse's his signus is impossible so if you look at it that's the only option i have and guess what when i change my perspective about my spouse my spouse when i grow when i grow as a person and even if i understand it's a hazard is there but i make myself a person who confronts and deals with that hassan perceived his art in a way that's respectful and loving and kind and thoughtful i don't run from it but i i engage it but i engage it with the very best part of who i am with my best depths of my humanity if i can really reach that place inside myself that's possible to do and guess what we both grow we both grow let me let me take this um one of the questions that came in let me take it all the way to the other side my husband and i have been struggling struggling for a long time despite being in and out of therapy i really feel like i'm heading towards divorce as i see no other option he on the other hand seems clueless as to how bad i'm feeling however i've heard many times in shirum that we should never use that words with each other is that true i feel like it's really happening so she doesn't want to use that word and it sounds like they've never used it but in her head it's like yeah it's beautiful i'm glad we're jumping right in with something like so meaningful actually the heart of the marriage the heart of it it really is you know we could have gone with like since like almost trivial questions this cuts right to the ch in my opinion i'm so glad you asked this question because it cuts the chase i hear this all the time um look in the early parts of my career i went along with the conventional wisdom and we don't use the word divorce you know the d word you know because it's too threatening and all that what i began to realize over the years and certainly where i am at this stage of my career i have no suffix on earth that there's two ways you can use that word and one way is completely destructive and one way is completely constructive one was a benefit and one way is a detriment and again it cuts to the heart of what we're trying to do with our marriage to threaten our space in an angry moment in the middle of a fight in a fit in an argument and threaten them with divorce you can't excuse me you can't get more destructive it's not taken seriously not only is it not taken seriously but it feels like a hammer i'm being pounded with and when you threaten someone especially with the divorce word the response is usually juvenile is childish it's not a mature healthy response it's not a thoughtful take a look at the marriage it's a complete defense you feel so threatened so you argue back what you want to divorce me and look i can use for you otherwise you what do you think you know it just brings out the worst in a person so the the wisdom of those who teach and speak about the fact that you don't use the divorce word in a marriage are talking about and referring to using that word as a threat because it not only doesn't it help but it doesn't get to what's really bothering the marriage it brings down the marriage because it creates threatening defensiveness inside your spouse who will then just attack you back and the marriage will devolve it will fall apart there's another way that i believe is very valuable and that's with great sadness and great pain for a spouse to sit down with their spouse i did you i don't remember the question they they've been in therapy they've been working for a while and not getting anywhere is that right something like that it's been good obviously the problems have been going on for a long time and it sounds like the the uh i think in the remember the question the wife was saying that she feels a husband is that right he's not aware he's not aware he's not aware he's not deep he's not connecting with it imagine the power truthfully the genuine power of her to reach into a place of real compassion in her heart recognizing this obviously she wants the marriage i hear from the tone of the message she doesn't want to lose this marriage she wants to empower the marriage she wants to grow the marriage and she's just really afraid that her husband's not hearing her imagine the difference if she would sit with him gently lovingly and kindly or write him a note in which she says i'm so afraid i'm so afraid that you're not connecting with what's really hurting me and i feel my heart shutting to you it feels to me we're heading towards divorce and that's so terrifying because it's not what i want but i feel i feel we're being forced in that direction and it's sort of almost out of my control and i'll be honest it really terrifies me terrifies me because i want to build a marriage with you i don't want to lose you imagine if she'll use the word divorce in the context of compassion and understanding but designed to help him understand and focus on how real her experience is and her feelings really are if she'd use it that way in the context of compassion and sensitivity and understanding to try and help him wake up maybe that's the only way he will wake up by realizing that's where it's heading and if he shoots back at her as if she's threatening him what you're threatening me with divorce and imagine again if her response is not at all on the contrary i'm threatened by divorce i don't want us to get divorced i want us to work on this marriage i see the strengths that we each have that could build this home i don't want us to lose it i'm just terribly afraid that you don't realize that somehow you're not connected deeply enough to our struggles and working on them and i'm really afraid that's where we're heading and it frightens me imagine the strength of that intervention but bringing that truth home but doing it with compassion and kindness in such a context it couldn't be that you know it's the best thing to do it's the wisest thing to do whereas the alternative which is i fully agree with the speakers who you know rail against using divorce to use divorce as a weapon almost always will only bring out the worst in your spouse it will cause them to be defensive and it will actually contribute to the marriages falling apart so is that is that clear is that okay yeah they just have to be careful because sometimes people only see that one word on the paper they don't see the compassion and they don't see anything else absolutely absolutely see the real issue is to bring the compassion the sensitivity and the honesty and ignoring it i find that ignoring it actually precipitates a divorce more than talking about it it's so much better to acknowledge these feelings of beginning to engender inside me and i don't want them i want us to work on it i don't want to feel this way can we please work together let's find another therapist let's renew our commitment to making this work because i don't want to feel this way is a useful way to use that word and bring the truth ever else let's go into this question this is a very typical man's question that's why i even actually thought it was very relevant when i come home after a long hard day of work i just want to relax my wife jumps on me the second i walk in goes on a 10-15 minute rank about her day i try to listen to her but i end up feeling resentful as i need to unwind and not deal with her problems please help me understand how do i deal with wallace by the way the ranch this word see this word rant it really rubs me the wrong way when a wife explodes on her husband when he walks in the door you know if you think she's ranting you know go get some help go learn some muscle she's not ranting she's talking she's expressing she's emoting she's hurting so okay so look firstly you have to know that her reaction to your homecoming is totally normal women like to process their day with their husband it's her way of connecting with you as i said before it's totally normal right you probably have the wrong program in your brain from your childhood where your father came home and got busy with the with the mail and got busy with the phone calls and got busy you know who knows what and i basically didn't give full attention to his wife when he walked in you saw that happening you know and he's running in on the phone walks in the house and basically ignores her as he walks in you got the wrong program in your head you have to realize don't forget she's also exhausted after her long day and she's been looking forward to your return and your support for her so of course she's she's my guess is if you're experiencing her as ranting forgive me that word again i have a heart i'm just using your words but if you're experiencing that chances are you've caused it chances are you've come home so many times and ignored her and not tuned into her when you walked into the house that she's frustrated and that's why it's coming out as a ranting at you when she walks in because she doesn't know how to get your attention so let me tell you a few things this is this is common this is very normal unfortunately not right when i say in common by the way let's say common not normal it's not normal it's wrong but it does happen so and i'll tell you i think almost everyone goes through it at some point till you know we wake up and we realize the truth personally i can tell you in my early stages of my career i was in new york a lot i went to do you know training in college and then school and then ackerman and and i worked in new york i had an office there when i came home the last rest rest station on the garden state parkway i used to pull in there and take a 15-minute nap just put my head down before i came home so that i wasn't like tired and i was able to come in and focus so i would it was my minute almost to i would always pull in there for a quick 15-minute cat nap before i came home and it could die if a person can find a place to take a if you're tired and you're focused and you're not ready to focus on your wife take a quick nap first i'll tell you another answer in the old days when you use keys today i think everyone has like combination locks on their doors we don't use keys anymore the old day we had a key and i had a picture in my head with my key as i put the key into the keyhole to open the door i had a picture of what was going on in the house before i put the key in the door i imagined my wife busy with the kids and life and overwhelmed and needing support and help so i got my brain focused that my job is to walk into that house and be supportive of her listen to her pay attention to her and see if i can be helpful to her that was my focus before i even walked into the house i got the picture before the key went in the keyhole i got the picture that i'm gonna walk in there to be helpful and to be tuned in because i know that's what she needs and of course she'll never rent if you do that no again i'm i'm so hurt by this word rent but you know we cause it we cause it by not tuning in if you get in the house and you still need your time which could happen ask her if it's okay with her if you take a few minutes for yourself but here's the key you have to give her a specific time when you will be available tell her 15 minutes 20 minutes tell her a time don't just ignore him push her aside most wives most nights will be fine if you actually honor her needs at the time you specified her you can't just say i'll be with you soon you know and then i see men this hand you know they're like you know push her i'll be with you soon and kind of push her away no it's a killer get rid of that hand the hand can't be in the picture you got to say to honey do you mind i just need a few moments for myself i'll be with you in 15 minutes i'll be right down and then honor that and actually be down when you say in 15 minutes don't have a running after you to try and find out where you were what happened to you so first of all request if you really really really need that time request it and acknowledge that really this is her time but if you don't mind and you know could i have a few minutes myself and i'll be right with you on a night where she truly really needs you now which could happen then listen carefully to what she's saying don't be yet sir again if she's ranting i'm telling you it's because you've conditioned her to believe that you're not really listening to her so you have to listen properly i'll tell you how you listen properly you don't listen properly by looking at your cell phone you don't listen properly by looking at your watch you don't listen properly by holding the mail in your hand put it in the drawer if you just brought it in the house put it in the drawer don't hold it you listen properly but every time when she speaks to you yeah i can see the smiles already i got it you listen properly by stopping her every few sentences and repeating to say honey this is what you're saying to me right you actually repeat back to her so she knows that you heard her it turns what you call into a rant into a two-way conversation interrupt her and say honey is this what you're saying to me i just want to be sure so she knows that you heard her get rid of the phone and the watch and everything else show her that her feelings and her stories about her day matter to you women are process-oriented men are outcome aren't it a woman could tell you her stories about how she went to the store and she bought three things and she came home and she tried them on and then they didn't fit and she took them all back but this is a whole day was going buying finding bringing home trying on taking back end of the day she got nothing she hasn't done anything nothing happened say matzah and to a woman that's valuable to a man it's like why are we talking about this you didn't actually buy anything we're outcome oriented right we we to us it's like why are we talking about this to a woman that's her life it's her day it's her stories and she wants to explain that to you you have to remember one thing what women most want most of all if i offend anyone when i say this then you know send me an email but in my opinion what women want most of all it's not chocolates it's not jewelry it's not flowers what women want most of all is focused attention can i say that again focused attention gentlemen if you have a watch and you're in your wife's company there's only one time you ever look at your watch when you're in your wife's company it's when you just finished eating flake shakes and you want to check and see when you'll be milfix you're allowed to look at your watch at that moment any other time you're in your wife's company don't look at your watch it makes a woman feel she's secondary your mind somewhere else you're distracted what a woman wants is focused attention trust me if you'll do the things i'm suggesting to you right now and that's all part of your growth is putting your needs aside it's saying what i need right now i can put it on hold i'm okay i don't have to do it right now putting yourself aside and growing for her and focusing on her you grow she feels cared for unloved the two of you have a better marriage focused attention then she won't rent wow you don't want russell you're welcome not much no watch okay let's go we have some live questions anybody anybody wants to ask live videos i remember shipping over here uh take take advantage as i remember sometime i do this i say everybody understands it's all about the neighbor obviously so it's not you so you don't feel comfortable okay hi hi everyone i wanted to ask you about a sec a segment of the population that usually we don't speak about in marriages which is the bobby and zadie population all the children are out of the house they've been born i'm privileged to be blessed to be married for many decades how do they keep their marriage fresh and alive and exciting as the infirmar infirmaries of old age were aging might be setting in thank you so much thank you thank you for the question i appreciate it i'll be honest with you um our children are all left home we don't have any children at home anymore and during covert my wife and i found ourselves at home alone many many shabbos for many months we were together at home and i have to tell you we found it to be one of the most meaningful periods of our entire marriage probably wasn't any more growthful period than this period in our marriage because you know there's always work to do it never ends it never should end and it never does end and on the contrary we get distracted during the years of having children and bringing up our children that the children become the focus which is completely correct and appropriate but they take tremendous amount of our focus in helping them in their journeys and their lives and in doing so we kind of compromise certain things in our own growth and we bury our heads in the sand a little bit with details that we really need to deal with for me the bracha the amazing brother of this stage of life is for two people to work out alone without distractions how can i tune in deeply tune in to helping you and your journey see when i'm self-centered which most of us are unfortunately that means self-centered doesn't mean selfish self-centered means i center my thoughts and feelings on myself i'm always like working out what's good for me when you're alone at this later stage of life if you can condition yourself to be other centered center on someone else on your spouse focus on them especially as we get older and health issues do creep in and you know we're just not as vigorous and you know as strong as we were and capable to bear our lives alone the way we've done so so much in the early parts of our life focusing on each other brings about a depth of love that is quite unimaginable people young people do not realize that love grows through your marriage the depth of love continues getting deeper and deeper it feels almost like there's no there's no limit to how much love one can feel i actually saw in this farm one time that the the love between husband and wife that deep really deep meaningful love is a metaphor for us it's a gift to us and a metaphor for us to have a sense of how we should feel towards rabona shalom towards our cottage barclays hashem as we focus on being other centered centering on someone else on their needs and helping them through life love deepens and it just it takes us to a place that quite honestly we could never have imagined reaching without it so that's the gift of the later stages of life the shift is to become other centered center on your spouse and helping them with their journey and trust and hope they'll do the same for you they'll honor you in the same way here's the next question my husband left kyle five years ago and he's become a workaholic i feel like he never has time for me anymore he's home late from work stops him for 20 minutes then goes off to learn davin by the time he comes home i'm exhausted frustrated and just want to go to sleep please guide me i'm really beginning to resent the situation okay well this is another very kind of these questions like represent such common themes in our lives and i'm going to split this if i don't if you don't mind into two themes this is a young couple being in coil he's left coil now gone into prognosis and there's two scenarios i'd like to address one scenario is where like most people it takes years it can take decades to build prognossa properly and it's a tremendous challenge to do it and the other scenario is where by some muzzle he either fell into a good business or fell into a family business and the prognosis is not the issue so i'd like to split it if i can in those two areas let's take the first one the more typical he's building panosa it's a very challenging life transition for him the fact is what most people don't realize is the true mysterious nephesh for learning for spending years in yeshiva and years in cuddle the years together in kyla the real mysterious nephesh tends to be felt when you leave kyle not while you're in cuddle being in cuddle is actually for many people yaha sit they realize was like the easier years compared to the years afterwards but suddenly you find yourself at 30 years old plus and you go into the world of panosa decades or more behind the people you're competing with in the same jobs and somehow you have to make a lot more money with tuitions and with the kind of lifestyle we have you got to make more money you're 10 years behind this is when the miseries never fish for kylo for life when you really recognize what the truman service and fs was to give up those years those formative years and spend them learning to build your life and your home around torah values and terror knowledge that's when it really starts you have to understand also and i address this to the women just like women are made by a kurdish fargo in a way they like to look attractive looking attractive is part of the nature of a woman she wants to look attractive in the same way a man's masculinity his sense of self as a man is very tied up with his ability to support his wife and family that's his masculinity so when he's initially trying desperately to build pranasa you have to understand that his distraction his devotion to it again we're going with the first scenario where it's hard to build and it takes time and it's a struggle for him his masculinity masculinity is tied up in this process so bear with it whatever you do don't undermine him you understand that it's true that you need more time and more attention and more connection and these years these early years he's taking from that time it's true and devoting it to make him prognossa which is part of his destiny and his responsibility to you undermining him in that process will undermine his sense of self as a man so that it won't work however if you express pride in him first you express pride and pride in him for all he's doing for you and for the family let him know how proud you are about the tremendous effort and energy he's putting into it understand him that he's desperately trying to build and it's very very hard for him once you've expressed true pride in him then you can try to problem solve with it assume you have to assume that he misses the connection with you too he just is able to so to speak put that on hold during these early years of desperation to try and build proper prognosis and support the family but i i guarantee you he misses it too assume that don't make him don't complain about him you have to acknowledge that everything he's doing is wonderful make sure that he clearly hears that what you see is the problem is your loss of time alone within and you have to make sure that what he doesn't hear is the problem is the problem is him if you make the problem he's the problem you're the problem you're going to lose him he'll be frustrated and angry and torn between his obligations to you and his obligations to supporting the family but if you make sure that that's not how i see the problem you're not the problem the problem is the consequence of you doing this wonderful thing of helping support us being devoted to supporting our family the consequences is we're spending less time together and i miss you and i'm guessing you miss me too can we problem-solve what to do about that but you have to build him first and acknowledge what he's doing as a strength and then you can problem-solve that's scenario one that's the most common one scenario two is where part panos is stable he fell into a family business or he fell into a beautiful job he had seated ishmael and the money is there so there clearly that's not why he's doing it so either he's avoiding you he is actually avoiding you or he's some sort of workaholic and there's something off inside him that's to do with his self-esteem so the fact is you can gently ask him ask him if he's avoiding you look he actually may not realize that he's doing it so be careful it's a very difficult conversation but ask him let him know that if he's avoiding you well of course you'll be hurt of course i'm going to be hurt if you tell me that but i'm not going to be angry you have to tell him i'm not going to be angry with you if you tell me that's what's happening because if you if unless you say this to him chances are he's going to lie to you and he'll deny it you'll ask him if he's avoiding he said no that's for sure not avoiding see if he thinks the consequence of telling you the truth will get you really mad with him and make you fall into a depression and sulk away well why would he tell you the truth he'll deny it so you get nowhere so you have to let him know if you're avoiding me i promise you i won't be angry i do i will be hurt of course i'm a human being but i won't be angry and we need to know this information so we can do something about it tell him that in advance or deny it and if he actually acknowledges it then ask him to please consider either telling you directly what it's about and what makes him avoid you or just come with me to a therapist listen to the way i phrase it please come with me to a therapist and tell the therapist what bothers you about me so that i can work on myself i don't want to drive you away phrase it that way the chances are the problem is something to do with him too of course it's not just about you obviously but phrase it in a way that if you're avoiding me and i'm driving you away from me well then please come with and tell me or tell the therapist what give me information so i know what to work with so i can bring us together like i said chances are it has to do with him too it's not just about you however by taking it upon yourself you'll get the ball rolling in a non-threatening way and eventually he'll see himself too right i'm not asking you to take the problem it's all about you it's just a clever way in a respectful and a kind way to get the ball rolling because most men are not going to take well to that being told you know you've got a problem he's just he's not going to see it well we don't do well with that but we will get into it you know if we're brought into it in a respectful and kind way that's if he's avoiding if he's a true workaholic then let him know how much you appreciate again starts with the appreciation let him know how much you appreciate what he's doing for you and for the family but like i said above ask him to problem-solve with you let him know that like all wives you need focused attention from your husband in order to thrive and deal with your challenges maybe put it in the bathroom on the mirror put the words focused attention with a smiley face you know just to remind him look we're not most men are not idiots most of us are just not idiots we're actually very nice and we want to do good things and we want to love our wives most of us are just so not tuned in because we're so busy especially in the early years making prognos we go out of the house we're busy out doing our jobs our world whether it's learning or working whatever we do but we're out there in the world but we're not idiots and if we're brought into it with gentleness and if our wives appreciate what you are doing i just need this too it's not like what's the matter with you and i'm disappointed in it don't ever tell me you're disappointed in him as a person i'm telling you men don't do well with that now listen to this if he complains when you do this and you tell him you need more focused attention and he complains to you and he lets you know that you're being too needy and should be happy that he works so hard and provides for your needs and i gave you a cleaning lady after all come on you know that's not good enough you know if he does that kind of thing simply acknowledge that and thank him again for that just yes absolutely and you do so much and you give me so much and i'm so appreciative of what you do to try and help us what i'm saying is that a wife needs regular time to connect with her husband that's my need it's as much a need to me as is your need to do what you do so well and to go out there in the world and make fun of that's my need tell him that if you really need to fall back on this one if he really doesn't listen to you tell him that you're completely open-minded this may be about you and not him and i'm more than happy let's go discuss this with your of or your rebbe and i want to see if i'm wrong in which case i'll be macabre i'll back off usually this works and once you elevate it to that level either he'll go with you and quickly discover what's probably just his missing information he doesn't need most of us men do not realize that our wives tuning in listening to their stories connecting with them is mozan rukhni that's their rookney's that feeds them it nourishes a wife's soul it makes her feel harsh of in our eyes it makes her feel appreciated and valued and most men you know we don't see that to us it's just talk we don't need the same thing we want to get out there make another deal or do another job or learn another blood we just don't see it we don't we're not made the same way like i said men and women are made differently tune him in but always tuning in tune him in by being respectful that what he's doing is wonderful and i appreciate what you are doing i'm not diminishing it at all i'm simply observing to you what's missing for me and if necessary suggest going to his rob or his rabio go to a therapist together so i can learn whether i'm being too needy whether i'm holding you down again chances are it's not the case and he will learn quickly but take it on yourself and he'll pretty much expand to realize this is about him too and he needs to refocus himself russell brilliant brilliant everybody's watching this and wants to know exactly how to say they can watch the recording and really redo the words but spot on okay we have so many live questions let's go to something live okay you're on uh hi by russell i have a medical situation which because of it i'm on a certain medication it's a steroid type of medication which causes me to heat up internally a lot of times and when some a lot of sometimes when things go wrong it causes me to scream at my wife sometimes i try to control myself i don't want to i really respect her but uh it's it's a very tough situation and i have to take the medication uh i want to know like what is the way i could solve it is there a way i could control myself is my wife responsible for my action and she should just tolerate me is there a way i could work on my behavior i know i don't want to do it but it's like it heats me up inside it causes me to be very tense is there any way to help me out with the situation okay so it's an interesting it's a fascinating question um and it relates really to any area that we recognize within ourselves that there's some sort of hassan that is something i cannot just turn off i have i carry within me a hassan to my spouse that i i wish i could but i can't just turn it off so you have two obligations to your wife two the first obligation is to bring information to her not defensively but apologetically to make sure in case she has any suffix that what you're talking about is true and not an excuse she has to you have to provide her with the true information not in a defensive way not in an argumentative way but in a completely compassionate way and you have to commit yourself and acknowledge to her that as far as i'm concerned the greatest job and obligation i have in my life is to work out how to overcome this problem to treat you with respect and love and kindness what i'm doing to you is hurtful to you never defend yourself always acknowledge that i feel i'm stuck in this story but i want you to know that with all my christmas and effort and energy this is the most important thing in my life right now i will compromise almost everything else in my life to resolve this problem because i owe it to you i owe you the responsibility on my part is that i owe you the experience of living with a kind sensitive tuned in husband one that doesn't freak out on you and get angry with you and i've let you down not that i wanted to i didn't it just happened to me i don't know why but i promise you this with every kayak and every fiber of my energy i will never defend myself but will continue working every moment in my life and if you my dear wife have any advice guidance anything you wish i would do any doctor you think i would see you find a magazine article and you discover there's an expert in new zealand who has a mahalik and how to treat this i will get on a plane and i will go there i owe it to you and that's my commitment to overcome this and treat you with love and kindness okay robert russell let's go to the next question over here so much more to cover i have a bunch of live ones that i know it's uh purely by you i don't feel i have a deep relationship with my wife i don't feel comfortable sharing and being vulnerable with her i can't pinpoint why can you please help me okay so let me take a different tack on this completely see many times couples come in for counseling for therapy for what appears to be a marriage problem and after meeting them it quickly turns out not to be a marriage problem at all it turns out to be a trauma problem and of course that's hurting the marriage creating the problem in the marriage but it's not really a marriage problem at all it's a trauma problem based on the question the way i heard this question the chances are that one or both of you may be suffering with what we call complex trauma i know we did rebecca we did a uh a session on this but i'd like to tie this in here because i think it's it's so at the heart of so many marriages we're getting we're getting a lot of those questions coming up i'm just looking at doesn't surprise me at all because honestly people are becoming educated and realizing more and more about this that i don't even understand what happens to me and i treat my wife disrespectfully or my husband and i can't get it and to me back hashem the language of complex trauma is entering into our community you know in a snark a way that we're beginning to understand so listen to those who are listening now ask yourself the following questions this is painful but try and be honest you just ask yourself this question do you frequently hurt people you love do you frequently feel the people who love you hurt you and the document frequently if so if the answer you know is yes then you probably have complex trauma or someone you're living with has complex trauma let me explain and try and capture this again without turning this to a whole session on complex trauma let me see if i can capture this in a way that makes sense most people you see think of trauma as like a terrible horrifying or life-threatening event that occurred to you we in the trade we call that single event trauma there's something else there's another type of trauma it's called complex trauma used to be called developmental trauma but it's called complex trauma it's not like that in complex trauma is often made up of a large number of what we consider micro traumas multiple small events that cumulatively made you as a child feel unsafe and threatened one of the classics of this is you know parents hovering over you with anxiety protecting you from their from the life on the streets or from the weather or from things outside the home being frightened each one of those events is not traumatic but the net result of a childhood living with an over anxious parent makes you feel unsafe this is how trauma affects you let me explain it to you we're meant to live very quickly i'm not going to get off track here we're meant to live and think and process life through the front parts of our vein the prefrontal cortex here is where things like empathy attuned communication emotional regulation insight morality all those we have access to those parts of our personality are here in the prefrontal cortex this part of our brain is where we're meant to live we consider this being online when i'm online i'm here i'm thoughtful like i said i can have empathy i have emotional regulation and i can tune in and connect with someone else when you feel threatened then this part of the brain either turns off or becomes impaired you don't want to have empathy when you're in a position of being mugged by someone you don't want to have a tuned communication when someone is screaming at you and threatening you they're going to kill you that's not when you tune in and say oh i see you really want to kill me no you want those parts of your brain offline you want to run that's what we all know as fights and flights or freeze it's the stress response we go into the limbic parts of the brain the middle part of the brain and this part is now offline and we don't have access anymore to attuned communication emotional regulation because you don't want that stuff in if you're in fight and flight you want to run and save yourself i share made us that way so here's the questions you need to ask yourself is it possible that your frequent negative behavior may be controlled by unconscious reactions to experiences you inherited from your parents and your grandparents were they trauma victims were they children of trauma victims are you still functioning in a way where what's programmed into your brain how to function in life is actually a trauma reaction you're reacting as if some terrible event is happening whereas it's not did or did your negative behaviors develop as a result of negative experiences in your childhood like emotional neglect or severe criticism that made you feel threatened by life or threatened by your relationships if you grew up with hypocritical parents and in fact last time bush if i remember when i spoke with um chase and we talked about trauma right at the end i forgot that i didn't mention probably the worst form of trauma which is obviously emotional neglect is the worst form of complex trauma and it turns out that the emails flooded us afterwards people recognize that that in fact was their experience and it's the worst form of trauma because it's really hard to put your finger on it you can't you know there's no event there's no moment that you can point out of being beaten or hurt or screamed at emotional neglect is i just felt lost and lonely had no one to talk to no one to connect with i felt scared and sad in this world and i didn't have anywhere to express it and guess what that little child is still inside me terrified of life frightened and unable to really express itself properly and instead of expressing and talking through his fears that little child inside you acts out to save itself it goes offline it goes into flight and fight in that place in the limbic system where just wants to protect itself and most of us when we behave that way with our spouse or our families in that in the limbic in the middle part of the brain when we're offline we don't have access to attuned communication we don't have emotional regulation we don't have access to insight and empathy we're really hard to live with and then of course because of that if we're constantly getting triggered and going offline because we feel threatened by our spouse or by life by the problems with pranasa or the pro you know how many people i know can't go to davening properly and they feel threatened when their wife's disappointed in them because they don't go to shore or don't go to shawl on time or they don't learn because they have learning trauma or they have doubting trauma then it affects the marriage because she sees him as this like loser-ish guy i thought i married a bentair and it's not if these things speak to you and are affecting your marriage if this is true and you're frequently going offline then chances are that you frequently hurt people you love and you probably frequently feel the people who love you hurt you what you need is a trauma treatment find an experienced trauma therapist and save your marriage and save your life regular marital therapy will probably not do the job this is not about lacking information this is not about concern does where you need information to know how to function properly this is where you keep going offline and you need to learn how to stay online in order to be empathic to be attuned to be caring to have insight if you're feeling this shut down you don't know how to connect chances are you're dealing with trauma go and have an appointment with a trauma therapist and see if that's true because that's the only way you're going to save your life well yeah we got it we got a lot of emails also about that afterwards and people are texting now maybe there's a lot of other people saying that they think they can resonate with what you're saying what would be their first steps to do if they yeah you have to realize when when you have complex trauma residual you know little hundreds of little events like learning trauma is a classic it's one i deal with all the time where unfortunately people came through the system and they didn't feel successful you know there's only a small percentage unfortunately who feel like i really succeeded in my learning everybody else is either i didn't succeed or ah you know but i'm left with actually bad feelings i almost have like an anxiety type of reaction to sitting down and learning and sitting with a habarissa and then i'm actually feeling anxious i don't even know why i'm feeling anxious the same thing goes with darwini what happens is without understanding that's a traumatic reaction which can be healed you can heal that you can free yourself from that with proper appropriate trauma treatment so you can free yourself just to be a normal person without that it looks like you're like this guy is not really from you know he's not really shameless you're not really terrific you're not like you don't learn and for for women that's a terrible terrible disappointment it's a terribly painful painful experience and they look at their husbands so of course it becomes a marriage problem but it's not a marriage problem it becomes a marriage problem the real you won't fix this by giving him musa about you know again giving him tapes about how he has to dive and go with a minion and go and go and learn actually it just increases the trauma and it becomes worse he'll feel threatened and he'll run faster or run away same thing with you know i see many unfortunately who whose grandparents you know were holocaust survivors who survived by shutting down love they shut down love instead of love they do something called caring they cared they made sure people at there's food there's always food they always feed everyone everyone gets fed and everyone gets clothed but they don't get loved and they don't feel loved and they substitute it and i understand that who wouldn't understand that i mean you know let's have a little rahman is here you know when you go go through severe the severe kind of trauma of the holocaust and losing loved ones it made sense that people lost a connection to love you need to be vulnerable to truly love so it became cultural where they cared instead of loved and it was food and it was clothing and and you know what as we're recovering three generations later from the holocaust what's emerging is a desperate need to be loved it's unbelievable how many people today you know when i first started work 32 years ago we didn't talk about loved ones like you know like it was almost like a dirty word we didn't talk about love and it was all about respect today young people are desperate for love they feel it they know they ache to be loved and they ache to love and a lot of people they're almost programmed that love is threatening it's too vulnerable so if if these kind of things talk to you then get to a trauma therapist you know this is not psychobabble you're stuck in a place inside you've got the wrong neural programs in your brain that make you they trigger you into survival it's like you live in survival mode feeling threatened by life itself you absolutely have no idea why but you always feel a little threatened by stuff your wife says a word to you or your husband says one word you feel attacked it's like we're going to show him he's not attacking and you spell said i'm not attacking you i'm just letting you know i need some more attention and no no you're the way you speak to me you're attacking me and they actually feel they're being attacked and it's a mystery because the spouse is looking i said i have no idea what i just mentioned that i appreciate if you could give me more time so you did it again and they actually feel attacked and it's such a shocking thing they actually feel an experience being attacked that's trauma if that's what's happened to you that's trauma go directly to a person who's trained in dealing with trauma who can help you free yourself from the trauma help you repair your neural pathways and free you to live a full life a happy life bro so let's go to some questions over here you're on yeah yeah thank you for the opportunity um so my question is um i've been in domestic abuse for more than 18 years and i went through where i missed that you've been i've been through domestic abuse with my husband um i went through emotional mental and sexual abuse in my marriage during 18 years we went and tried many therapists rabbis couple therapists textologists and more 10 months ago rabbi told us that my husband is a sexual addict and i should give him a chance to work a 12-step program he says he's working my husband says he's working it but i don't see a better treatment i don't see any respects i'm sure he's traumatized and and he has narcissistic traits but he doesn't accept his behavior so my question is one for how long should i wait or give a chance for this marriage every day that passes by i feel i'm in surviving mode and i'm worried about my well-being my mental well-being and my kids seeing this pattern which can be repeated and my second question do you suggest that he could that he could go to a clinic a sexual addict clinic that he could that maybe that could help um yeah that's the two questions thank you okay so first of all i really feel for you the challenges you described are enormous the overwhelming and uh and it's a miracle that you're still here trying and working on it it's a credit to your strength of who you are and uh i really i really understand how difficult and challenging your life must be at the same time i'd like to uh to reach out to your husband that uh what you described actually fits what i just talked about you know he sounds himself like a deeply traumatized person he's experienced a lot of trauma in his early life and what you're describing is the result of the trauma and traumatic experience of his experiences of his life what do i you know it's difficult to enter in to such a complicated story and give you direct advice but yes if i would support i want to support the idea of him going to a clinic um there are such places and he should probably do it what i'd like to say to him i don't know if he's listening but if he's not you could share this with him that your ability to stay with him and stay the course of this really depends on your experience of his sincerity and the depths of his commitment to his recovery if you feel that he is absolutely committed and he is working it and he's humble about it and you know you mentioned sort of narcissism there um you know without pasconing he is or isn't a narcissist which is a complicated thing to do it may be defensiveness i'm not sure but notwithstanding that he may actually be a narcissist his commitment to you has to be and it has to be his humility and honesty in recognizing what has happened to him and his deep profound commitment to dealing with the problem nothing else will sustain you you need to let him know that my ability to stay with this directly depends upon my experience of your willingness to humble yourself and face what happened to you which in all likelihood was not your fault and you're not accountable for what happened to you but my ability to stay with you will depend upon your willingness to accept full responsibility for what has happened to you and even if it's a lifetime lifelong commitment i'll stand behind you and i'll stand with you and we'll do this together but i can only do it if i feel that genuine commitment to never ending working on this and taking every opportunity to change yourself accompanied by moments of humility when you realize what it's doing to me if you could do that and you two could work this together you could perhaps help him heal and in all likelihood end up with an incredible relationship a committed relationship to each other but that's what you will need for him to survive for me to say more than that at this point without the details i i would feel is inappropriate i hope that's helpful to you all right russell okay um we have one more live and one more question that came in that we want to cover and uh we'll stop with that okay rabbit russell okay let's do this question and then uh we'll follow up by a live one which is going to be in the same same realm question i'm financially well to do my wife has all the help she needs i happen to like to go with my friends on trips to give right sadiq and party as they say there's something that i enjoy with my men friends more than my wife she is feeling not loved by me i'm not trying to explain to her that i also have needs and likes besides besides her even though i truly love her okay so this is not a therapy session this is like you know a talk radio show where you just like you know have to you have to work with what you've got and hope for the best so there's so much in that question you know that that would be material for the next three months of therapy to tease out the details but forgive me if i just jump in you know as as the circumstances provide it would appear from the per i know who if the person who asked this question is listening it would appear from your question that you don't really understand what love is you see it's very nice that you give your wife i think you said all the help she needs again that's the kind of thing that rubs me the wrong way you know it feels like the hand you know i give her all the help she needs you know i want to go and party with my guy friends it just it my my nervous system goes off i find it really hard however giving her all the help she needs won't make her feel loved furthermore trying i think you said the words explain to her that you have needs to is going to distance her from you even more and make her even more resentful my guess is that you're copying a picture of the marriages you grew up with and around your parents and family and people you're just copying their marriages my guess is that if you consistently treated your wife to a truly loving relationship then you won't have to explain to her about what your needs are if you meet her needs she'll gladly meet yours that's how it works my guess is this isn't about explaining it to her and she doesn't understand your needs my guess is forgive me is that she deeply feels you're not tuned into her needs and that if you would reverse that and spend the next year tuning in loving her properly and meeting her needs properly she won't have a problem at all with you enjoying yours arthur roberts should be glad to give it to you let me explain to you i don't know if i did this in previous sessions or butcher you'll have to tell me but i'm going to do it again anyway because i think it has to be said again and again what is love what is love actually this kind this is sort of leading us towards the ending for tonight what is love listen carefully love is the emotion experience or feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict when your needs are not in conflict you don't create love it's just nice it's pleasant but you don't create love but when you have two different sets of needs and each of you go out of your way to tune into the others needs honor them give them what they need that's how you create love the martial i give and i speak about frequently is the martial of matzi shabbos after a very long sticky humid shabbos in the summer and the air conditioning broke shabbos afternoon and by matsi shabas she just wants to get out she's been cooped up with the kids and it's late but she turns to her husband and says honey i gotta get out i got to get out the house can we go out for pizza i just i just got to get out i need i need to breathe i need to get out and he turns around to her and says sure be great let's get a baby so let's go out she gets a babysitter and he said great but you know what honey if we're going out you know can we go out for shawarma you know men like shawarma you know pizza is like you know they want shawarma if we're going out anyway let's make a night out of it she says can we go out for sure and she says i'll be honest just have to shout out some full a pizza is fine i just want to go out and just like spend some time alone with you i've been with the kids all day and he says well yeah sure but you know what like i said if we're going out let's do shawarma you know he's all excited she says come on i don't want shawarma i want pizza he's fine fine you don't have to get upset she said me upset i'm not getting upset what are you talking about and he says now you are upset i see you're really upset why i said i'll go out with you and now you're getting upset i don't get this and she started what yeah i'm the one who wanted to go out and you like took over my whole i just want to you know what forget it forget the babies i'm just going to bed goodnight boom how do you create and turn that into a loving moment a win-win for everybody same story she wants to go out she says pizza he like any guy says you know what honey i'd love to go out but can we do shawarma you know i want something more you know if we're going out anyway and she says to han i'm full i'm full you know what a pizza is fine if you don't mind and this time he's smart because he heard the coach monaco program tonight so he turns to his wife says honey sure no problem absolutely it's my pleasure we'll do pizza of course and then she tunes in she says nah i know you want shawarma it's okay we'll go to schwarm it's fine and he says no no you said pizza you said it first we're going for pizza she says yeah i know but guys you like shawarma let's go do the shawarmas it's fine um you can eat i don't even need to eat i i'll enjoy watching you eat he says no it was your idea you said pizza and she says no i insist on shawarma and they have that beautiful fight and guys wherever you end up pizza or shawarma it's irrelevant you have a loving moment you have a loving moment because you each reached out to each other each tuned into each other each showed each other i'll put your needs before my needs that's how you create love russell if you just repeat again the definition of love and then we'll go to the next live question yes love is the emotion experience or feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put each other's needs the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict that's what creates love okay let's go to the next question you're on um hi thank you so much trevor russell um so dating the second time around um looking for a relationship where there is that love um in the first relationship when trust was breached so severely um how do you how does one trust another again and and and reach that level of vulnerability again and and you know because it's just very difficult i got it i i feel for your struggles and challenges and it's a well understood struggle i i hope that you've been addressing that very issue with your therapist because what you've experienced by having your trust breached that's traumatic and so part of you is looking it's like your amygdala and your brain is actually assessing each time you meet another man you're assessing him through the prism of trust canary can't i and here's the problem the problem is like this people get married and they expect it all to be lovey-dovey you know when they get engaged i found my sweetheart i found this great person everyone says nice things about them and i expect it all to go well when i got married i recognized that there's some that's a very shallow understanding of marriage i asked my rebbe how long does sean arizona last how long does it last you know the first yeah i don't mean the halachic i mean the hash off of sean richard where you work together and you work out how to make this marriage work how long does that work how long is that how long does that take so he told me that his rebbe had told him five years he thought eight years eight years well as as a marriage therapist for so many years i'm going to tell you i think sean richonna takes about 12 to 15 years that means how do you know let me put it this way how do you know you're out of sean origina how do you know you know that when you get to a place where even if you have a fight even when you have a hurtful fight where you argue with each other neither of you think oh gosh i think i married the wrong person that's gone you know you married the right person just you have work to do there's always work to do in this context a month answering the question that was just asked you need to do some trauma treatment for the breach of trust that's number one if you haven't done it fully you need to do more because if shauna returned it takes 12 to 15 years that means there will be moments in which you might feel that lack of trust because you're looking for it you've been traumatized it's going to be a real challenge for you and the only real way out is a to do some sufficient trauma treatment of what happened to you to put you back to where you were before you got abused and number two you're gonna have to be very open with every perspective you know man you meet as you date the second time round and you put it on the table squarely and clearly this is what i experienced in terms of the lack of trust and that's an issue for me now not that i judge i don't i'm just i just know it's an issue for me and i want to be sensitive to it and we can only go into this relationship if we're both sensitive to it and i'd like to know what your issues are from your first marriage that perhaps hurt you so i can attune to that and be sensitive to your struggles too you're going to have to put it openly on the table so that it can be discussed and explored together otherwise it's not going to work russell i'm sorry to do this i have one more request my pleasure i don't know if you could read this again one more time oh my gosh oh my gosh that that's mine this is from fridler oh my gosh can you share it one more time do you want to share it with everyone if they don't everybody sees it everybody sees it now they want you while they watch it i i asked the graphic designer to make this for me about 20 years ago i think when i first came up with the line and um gosh it's so heartwarming i think i think hallmark brought it for me you know for a few million i made this up this is mine oh my gosh you read about russell well i i read it but i'm saying it i can't see the words it's too small but you know by heart yes i do i think it's love is the emotional experience or feeling that occurs when on a consistent basis husband and wife are able to put the others needs before their own needs when the two sets of needs are in conflict how right was i you got it almost right yeah it's a conflict okay let's do one more live question i'm sorry and then we'll go to closing okay last one sure sure okay you're on okay so i wanted to know what do you think of young couples getting together with other young couples like for a shavasuda party is this okay does there make a difference if there's kids or not um i know could really make a difference depending on like different hashtag sometimes but i wanted to hear your response on this okay so there's a broad range of hashgaffers on this a broad range and i can tell you from experience it's generally speaking not a great idea it's not um you know it's it's it's very hard for me to respond i'll be honest because i want to be respectful to the fact that as i said before that there is indeed a broad range of hashkafas and in the mainstream values in the uhla material it is to be limited you know one shouldn't it's not a great idea in the early years of marriage um until you've really built you know in the until you've built the shaunarishona years you know it's not a great idea at the same time i recognize that for many people it um they almost need it it's hard to explain so if you don't mind i'd rather leave this question and just acknowledge there are many different hush gothas and you should go to your your murray daraf who's your rebbe who's your advisor and you should go to your advisor directly and work out what's right for you and your husband what's right for your family um and i'd rather leave it as that okay let's go to closing again i want to go baby i'm getting so many text messages and uh responses everybody's really really got tremendous position to share tonight's a hard night by the way a lot of graduation i want to let you know people are busy tonight people are coming on they they want to they want to get the physic they need the physique so again i really appreciate coming on again so uh i think we have you booked for august september and october right i know november might not work just confirming again everybody came out for the first time everybody knows every sunday night at 10 o'clock this zoom id is the same share you know different speakers different topics please let people know to come on again tonight's show was sponsored by recovery of crossroads recovery crossroads the only kosher inpatient treatment sent in the tri-state area they're a licensed co-occurring treatment facility that means they are licensed to not only treat substance abuse but any other any other underlying mental conditions such as anxiety depression or drama if you or anyone else you know struggle with addiction feel free to reach out to them at 888 888-466-5950 i do want to mention again robert also because i am getting a lot of texts about the complex trauma and emotional neglect um again obviously reach out to your local therapist that deals in trauma but people that are experiencing next levels or feel they could really use the help there is a treatment center the rabbi russell founded as part of it it's called a fresh start in detroit reach out to them remember also right have a conversation see if they can be helpful i know that a lot of people are going there and having tremendous success am i saying correctly russell yes yes yes absolutely so you can look it up online i think it's i don't know the name of the website you can search fresh start detroit russell will come up right away again next sunday um june 27th is going to show us what thomas we're not gonna have a share the next year will be july 4th of the weekend and it's going to be an amazing share we don't have all the details yet but um as usual it's going to be amazing it's going to be epic we think that again everything recorded tonight everything is recorded it'll be on berenfall's website tomorrow www.menacingbarefoot.com if you have any questions please feel free to email coach menachem gmail.com or robert russell please give everybody your cell phone numbers they can call you later tonight and work out everything we'd appreciate it um tonight's year is sheer number 60 and if anybody wants to call on the phone we'll be on uh and also be on our private number it's 777 grow g-r-o-w and i want to give i want to thank all our advertising sponsors the lakewood scoop robbie and kyla kaufman from jcn and let's go to closing coach monaco please wrap it up followed by robert russell thank you very much russell i feel we we covered a lot and there's always much more to talk about to me i know there are many people sitting by their cameras and listening and thinking it's all beautiful but in their situation they're not sure if all of this if they can apply but what i would say is don't try to do it by yourself these are good ideas and there is a possibility if they should reach out to somebody else and like like russell mentioned we're seeing things with the prism of our own experience so what we see is based on our experience and it could be married for 10 15 20 years not being able to see anything different um obviously by yourself and by reaching out to others who can help with this hopefully mr hashem can guide them and direct them amidst hashem so thank you very much for being with us tonight my pleasure can i just have one closing comment is that okay we're gonna give you the closing as long as you want the heart of the marriage it's yours out of the marriage so let me just tell you uh unbelievably beautiful marshall from the proven profession that i think cuts to the chase and just says it all however simon says a marshal of a carpenter who makes fine furniture cabinets closets farm shrinks flying furniture and he has two pieces of wood and they have to stim they have to go together they have to you know be perfect with each other and it turns out one of them has like a bleeter an extra piece of wood sticking out so it doesn't sit straight against the other piece and it has to be straight to work perfectly time you have two options is this one option is you put the two pieces of wood together and you trace on the other side opposite the glitter opposite the piece sticking out you trace where it is and you make a little indentation a little hole in the other side so this bleeter it fits in perfectly on the other side that's one option he said the other option is you take some sandpaper and you sand down the piece that's sticking out the bleeder that's getting in the way you sand it down so the two pieces can stim perfectly and they can work together says the prophet time this is marriage we all have bletas we've all got stuff protrusions we got stuff middles character personalities trauma who knows what we got stuff that's sticking out that's getting in the way of us working perfectly with the spells it's my stuff is getting in the way says the time you have two options you in the other side you make a sword in them you show them their flaws so that they have to work out how to stim with your floor you make the hole in them or you can sand down your obliques you can work on your side and sand it off so you can fit well with them obviously this is our journey for those of us that can see it and understand it and get the support to do it this is the way to go constantly refining constantly improving constantly growing constantly looking first to myself how can i even if the expansion the fixing in myself is to take myself to a deeper level of honesty and compassion to confront the problems and issues with my spouse but to confront them in an honest way with compassion and sensitivity and kindness and without judgment even if that's the work i'm doing that's a win-win for all of us so i guess i hope that we can take this message each of us take a look at ourselves first improve ourselves first do this together with your spouse and you'll have a remarkable journey brochure malcolm thank you as always appreciate it gotta run to my fabrusa now you guys thank you everybody next week and have an easy fast we'll see you july 4th wherever russell we love you psycho zone love you too be well bye-bye