The Eternal Bond: How to Maintain Strong Family Relationships - Rabbi Yirmiyahu Abramov

Title for this evening talk is the eternal bond. Right? And here there here there it is. Eternal bond is one of the books the swarim that we were privileged to write myself and my wife. Um and uh this particular book um which is per guidelines for married children's relationships with their parents. But the title that we myself [clears throat] and Mike decided on was the eternal bond. How to effectively maintain good family relationships. That's the official title. So I just want to remind myself so I'll stick to the point. Don't get off track. Um, so we're talking about human relationships. Um, human relationships from a Torah perspective is very different. In fact, in really to understand human relationships, we have to go into the cabala. Yeah. We got to go dig deep the real secrets of terra because that's what human relationship are about. We're not bodies. We are namas. And there is a um in the zor kadosh the holy zor which encompasses all the secret the deeper secrets of tra so there's a whole discussion about what is the essence of relationships to understand that we have to understand what's an ashama an a human soul completely unique and [clears throat] what's the Jewishness the Jewish nish. So tell us it's written in the there five parts to the n two of them are completely out of our reach. We don't even understand. We can't even begin. The Talmud says late. We don't understand them at all. But what we can relate to is there's a nephesh which is the life force inside every person. We're talking about Jews, the life force, the nephesh. There's the ru. The ru is some kind of a best way to describe as a spiritual pipe. It goes from our spiritual essence our soul and it goes up to the highest places possible goes up to what's called the kisakabod the divine holy throne and the zor continues and what I'm going to explain now is based on the raan great interpreter the ramban rather the raid kma is the great great early sources who gave real insights. What is this? What is anam all about? On the first day of creation say it says in the deeper secrets in the first day of creation he created all the souls of Jews ever to be in the in the history of this world. Created them all in one day. The first day and these souls, Hashem wanted them to be as close as possible to him. So he made the kissa kavod the [clears throat] divine throne is made up of the souls of Jews. So it's like one massive jigsaw puzzle. Each little, you know, each little face I look around the room and I see different faces. No two faces alike. That's one of the essential differences between man and the rest of the creatures. We have unique faces because every individual is unique. Therefore, every individual takes a unique little part in that part of the jigsaw puzzle. This massive puzzle of all the namas of Jews ever to be. That's the divine throne. Hashem wants us right close by, right where he is. Um this where we have this gathering of all the souls it gets reaffirmed every year. Every time we read about Mahhammad Harai Mahmadai is when all the souls were there. They were all present. They all went underwent a transformation and became something very very special. That's when the essential Jew was created. It was Abrainu. But the Jew was really created in Mount Sina and the giving of the Tory. And every year when we read the para which we read this last week para we read about the giving of the Torah. moment says the great one of the great deeper inter interpretations of the Torah the says when you've got tens of thousands of Jewish communities throughout the world all reading the same thing on Shabas morning this past Shabas Jews throughout the world from the furthest is uh Sydney on the map it's on the map as far as Sydney my old buddy from greenside right so it's as far from Sydney throughout through John entire world yidden are sitting and they're reading in in sh on shabas morning they're reading the para says the that creates an enormous spiritual energy that oneness where we can feel we we feel compartment partners with Jews all over the world we all read in the same so something very special happens in the world and this par shabas as well as on on we read it again. So um this is what the zaradosh describes. This is what the essence of of man is. He's comprised of the soul. The soul is connected directly to the kisa kabod. That's where the highest part of his nishama is the nama. And it's our duty to maintain the integrity of the soul. Tell us it's a it's not it's actually a puk inf says not one soul will ever get lost. Every Jewish soul throughout history And will come when all the souls are all been um they all in good shape and they all can take their place in this big puzzle. One of my kids was a avid jigsaw puzzle and he used to we used to buy him 5,000 pieces and he used to sit pouring. He'd come home from school, come home from and pour over this and and used to make these beautiful, beautiful, magnificent pictures. Once he made a puzzle and the puzzle was great, but one piece got lost. So, you know, so my wife made took out a little piece of cardboard and sort of kind of re, you know, she tried to structure a little piece of the jigsaw puzzle and that was inserted into the puzzle. Anybody who looked at this puzzle. So he'd see this beautiful scenery, but he say, "Hey, what happened there?" That was the focus. That missing piece was the focus. And that's the that's what it means. Not one soul will go will get lost. And if it does, it won't. But if it does, it's spoiling the divine plan. She had a plan. He built he's built this enormous world and it's spoiling it. So we got to maintain the integrity of this plan of he's put us in this world and that's our role. That's our mission. So it says that there are three partners to man that's husband and wife. These are the three shafim. We all know that partners have to pull their weight. And the idea is we got to keep this divine throne of Hashem intact. Everybody's got to pitch in. We got to pull our weight. So, Ravlau Senior, the former chief rabbi, um, Revlau Senior, um, told over the following mess, the following story that there was a great rashiva in Lea in Lithuania and he had many time and he had a whole community. had a nice big beautiful family. And then as the Nazi beast came closer and closer to where they were, so his cahila approached him and said, "We have a game plan and we'll be able to get get you out of here. You and your family and we'll hide you. You'll be saved." And he said, "No, no, no. I remain with my people. You'll be here. I'm here. Unfortunately, virtually the entire kil was wiped out along with the 6 million. The entire killer was wiped out. There was one survivor. This one survivor made it there at Israel. Broken, shattered. He lost everything. But he felt [clears throat] a compelling um need to try and perpetuate the memory of that great kah of that great that great rash but he's the last person around but he started doing research amongst others yadbashm he started doing research and he found out that one daughter of the rav was the sole survivor of the entire and he after a lot of efforts he tracked her down. She was living in Vienna but unfortunately she was a broken soul as a result of the calamity and she married out of the faith. She was married to a living in Vienna. She had a son who was in a monastery. So he calls her up and he [clears throat] introduces himself and she says, "I'm no longer part of the people. Don't call me." And puts down the phone. He tried again. Same response. He bought a ticket to Vienna and he arrived at the house, knocked at the door. The moment she recognized when he introduced himself, she slammed the door in his face. I have nothing to do with the Jewish people. Okay. He knocked again. She opened up a crack and he said, "You know, I've just come a long distance. I'd like to rest. Uh, do you have a chair and a glass of water?" Said, "I'll sit outside. Won't bother you. I just like to rest." So, Yiddisha Yiddish Jewish heart. She gave him a chair. He sat and rested. And then after a few minutes um he got up, knocked on the door to return the the glass. And before she closed the door, he said, "Lady, I just want to give you one message." The message is that the message is that The key is in your hands. That's all. And he turned and walked towards the taxi. We're just waiting for him. And she said she ran off. What do you mean? He said, "The key is in your hands." And he got into the car and she she came and she banged on the window. She says, "What do you mean?" So he said, "Okay, I'll tell you." He got out the car and he said to her, "The key is in your hands because it is all your great father, that pious holy man or Hitler. It's in your hands to determine who will win, healing or you." And she broke down. She wrote down and she said, "Okay, you can take my son." He said, "No, no, no. You coming with me also. When we rebuild, we rebuild completely. After discussion, she acqued and she and she joined him and they went back. She left a note for her non-Jewish husband. She has to go back to her people and they arrived in Israel who ends this article by saying that son became Israel one of the great sages and rabbis in Israel is that son doesn't allow he won't let anyone get lost is we all part of the same destiny. We're all part of the same puzzle. We're all part of the same picture. No one gets lost. And while will do his bit, we have to do our bit. The eternal bond. Eternal bond is about family. The eternal bond. The essence of the eternal bond is parent children relationship. That's the eternal bond. The other relationships that are defined is husband and wife, their siblings. But the when we talk about the eternal bond, we're talking about parents and children. Children and parents. It's a two-way track. So we read in this week's para there's a mitzvah of kib is based on a principle which is called hakarat gratitude to be in gratitude that's what hakarat is and the one of the great sages of more recent generations The Kabula. The Kabuler was the son of the great Katam Sofair and he wrote uh in an article very famous article he wrote that about this concept of being able to be grat grateful for whatever one's received to have gratitude to recognize the good someone has done for us. He wrote that this is the pina of the keter of all the midot. This is the jewel in the crown of all the midot. It's the most central mida that can be mida of and this is the essence what drives that's what drives it a sense of gratitude. And the poster goes on and says, so it says, "Honor your parents in order that it should become good for you." I tell you a story that I heard firsthand. is a very famous family called the Rashman family from Toronto. Historically I they were fabulously wealthy people but more so they were probably the greatest um bal in history the Rahman family throughout the world. There was a um one of the most powerful um business real estate companies in North America, London. Um and I knew very well one of the brothers, Ellie Rashman. Ellie Rashman is one of the four brothers who established this massive business. One of the brothers was Ellie Rashman. Ellie Rashman told me and subsequently I've seen it written in in books. Illy Rashman um was about to have his bar mitzvah. His father was a hugely wealthy man in Vienna. He was one of the most prominent Jews in Vienna and he spared nothing. This bait mitzvah is going to be the greatest affair for Ellie Rashman. This is in the year 1938. So he took a central hotel, he brought in a whole staff and they made they cash at the hotel La Kosha and guests were coming in from all over the world but very great rabbis and very dign significant people. It was a very prominent and this is going to be the event of the year. A few days before when the guests had already started arriving they were coming from all over the world. a few days before his father who was living in Hungary in a village in Hungary, father of Davidid was was living in Hungary um his father had a heart attack and think he survived but he was unable to travel said my bitzvah is going to be with my father he can't come here I go to And he said, "Let the festivities continue, but myself and my wife and the bitzvah boy are going to Hungary." And he arrived in Hungary, the three of them. This this um Ellie Rahman and his parents arrived in Hungary, had a little little sweet little bameitza ceremony in the home of his grandfather. Um they had a minion there and what's he shabus he went to the one phone that was in this little town or little village he needed to phone to see what's going on back in Vienna. So his secretary tells him yeah fine there were celebrations everything but he says but you had some visitors and thankfully you weren't here. The Nazis invaded Vienna just before Shabbat and the first people they went for for the were the wealthy and the prominent. They confiscated their belongings. They um they took all these wealthy people. They were never heard from again and they took all the assets. They were after the assets initially. Smay Rashman was saved because he decided to do Kib at great cost to himself. Can you imagine you having you're hosting the event of the year and there's people pouring off all over from all over the world and you going to a little village in Hungary because that's where your father is because you want to give some nakas to your father that saved his life. He never went back to Vienna and he ended up in Tangers, Morocco and there he continued his business and ultimately came to North America and the rest is history. An act of this nature of realness for is an act which again this is enhancing. We're looking all the time to enhance and to strengthen this Jewish. We're looking to strengthen our our whole Jewish essence. The whole Jewish community, the whole kabod is in our hands. No one shall get lost. So the title of the talk was how to effectively maintain good relationships. So let's get tless. How do you effectively maintain good family relationships? What steps do we have to do? We have to take to maintain them. So I'll give you a few points. Point number one, ahava. Aa is love. Love is an essential ingredient in any family. Love is something which has to be worked on. And hazal tell us a fantastic thing. The word aava it's two central letters is have hey bet alf bet hey a so bet have hey bet the two central letters of this word have means to give. havely to give. Have is to give. So by when we say aha the essence the essential ingredient in a a Jewish family is giving is [clears throat] giving as much as one can is to give. And one shouldn't ever be worried, you know, if I give and I give and I give, maybe I won't, you know, I'll deplete myself. I tell you a great story. I heard the other night, we had a sim in the family and I was sitting next to one of our mutim if you people may remember fifer from South Africa. Fue was a big rabbi from Isra who came to Zafia buil and very significant kila and he was tragically killed on his way back from the game reserve in an motor accident and his grandchild is married to one of our uh grandchildren. So we had a sim this week and I'm sitting next to his son and um he told me a story about his father. His father used to come periodically to Israel. He used to come to consult with the big alakic authorities here. He had a special connection with Shak with the great Russovich. He had a con with he came and he used to come pre to consult on all kinds of issues. He was a big genius. Yeah. He was sitting. He wasn't sure. He thinks it was in Rashak's waiting room, a small little waiting room. He was sitting there in the waiting room and there was a mother and daughter sitting in the room and this daughter was getting married that night and the mother and daughter came to Rash for a before the it's a small little waiting room. I'd been there many times and he couldn't help but hearing overhearing a very animated conversation that was taking place between the mother and daughter and the daughter the kala was sad and she was saying to her mother but it's a custom to give a in to give after the to give the a gold watch the mother was saying yeah but we completely depleted. We have we can't afford it. And they were having a little discussion and she was saddened and the mother was trying to console her. A fifu was sitting and he overhears this conversation. He stands up. He takes his gold watch off his wrist and he gives it to the mother and says, "Here's a gift for your daughter." And he left. Okay. Great act of of sensitivity. That night he traveled back to Zafa via Switzerland. So um in the airport in Switzerland um he figured now I can't arrive home without my gold watch. My wife gave it to me in the so I can't arrive home like this. So he went into the duty-free to purchase a gold watch and he found a nice gold watch in the duty-free in Switzerland and he's standing at the toll and the lady rings up this watch on the toll and it starts making noises. There's like a a sharp noise comes from her cash register. The manager comes running up and he looks at the till and he says, "Congratulations, you are the millionth customer to purchase in this uh in this store and whatever you purchase is for free." He got back his gold watch free. Just heard this this week. You know, we all pitching in. He's doing his bit. We got to do our bit. But we've got to try and keep the integrity of the kabad. We've got to keep we got to keep it going. So I'll tell you another story. You'll only remember the stories anyway. I'll tell you another story. There was a great marshall. This was actually I heard this Marshall from a former colleague of mine, a great friend of mine Shane. If anyone remembers Rabim Shane from Bloomfentine ultimately and he passed away tragically in co anyway Shane told me this this ma and he heard it from he studied in gates and he heard it from a big rash and it came from it's a a very deep source came from the mam it came from a very deep source this this marshall it's a parable a man wanted to find out you know we in this world temporarily and we're going to have to go to the next world. But he was a very kind of discerning fellow. He wanted to know where am I going to? What are the options? So he says the options are two options. There's gunen or ginum. Yeah. You know that's or as they say in or heaven or hell. Says okay let me let me go and see. Let me let me get a feel of both them. I'll decide where I want to be. So they take him first into Gehennam and he's taken into this banquet hall and it's a banquet hall that's very lavish and he sees waiters running around with trays of piping hot food and the aromas are too delicious for words and this is he comes a bit closer he sees people sitting at long tables and they look very gloomy and he sees the food the tables are laden with food no one's eating he comes close and he sees everyone who's got three foot long knives and forks strapped to their arms. They're sitting like this with their arms. So these poor souls, they're sitting in front of this delicious food, but they can't flex their elbows to bring the food into their mouths. That's you're sitting in front of the great food and you can't eat it. Says, "Okay, I get the message." So he says, "Okay, let's go and see Grenaden." They take him to Ganed. same wedding hall, the same banquet hall, same well waiters and food and so and here he hears the sounds of sounds. Something something good's going on here. He comes closer. Everyone's eating and they also are strapped to their arms three foot long knives and forks. How they eating? Everybody is feeding the guy across from the table from him. He's in Gan Aiden because he's the kind of person that when he saw someone else who was needy, his first initial thought is there's a guy who needs food. I can feed him. I'll feed him. There's a principle in it's a basic you can call it psychology but is a reflection like water like is a water reflection. When a certain when a person a person perpetrates a certain positive action the receiver the person who's on the receiving end will reciprocate. That's a natural that's that's the natural trend of of a of a human being is to reciprocate kindness. So this fellow he sees a hungry person he feeds him instant reaction is he's feeding him and everybody's happy. He chose Ganedan in the mush. But the message is a very clear message that um we have to um the the concept of giving. Giving giving generates mutual giving and that's the way you build a family. That's where you build relationships >> is give unconditionally. Just give. Pour as much as much as you can into the into into the other person, into one's friend, into the children. Just keep giving. And don't worry about it. You'll be reciprocated. You know, someone came to Zonenfeld. He was the great he was the one of the early Raboniman the of Zonenfeld. Someone came and said, you know, I know there's a mitzvah, but I'm a very busy person. I got a big family. I have a pasa. I've got to make significant fun. I'm very busy. I haven't got time for my parents. And as they're growing older, they're becoming more and more needy and but I just haven't got time. Oh, don't worry. No problem. You keep you just keep giving everything that your parents need because the we said your days will be lengthened. Don't worry, you got no time. You have plenty of time. If you perform the mitzvah, you'll have all the time you wish because your days will be lengthened. So the concept of giving of doing is an enormously important concept. Now we can help people to give. We can help we can we we we can um how do we how do we um help people giving? So I'll move to the next point. There was a great rabbi called Ben. He was one of the great gigantic scholars that so much is built of Torah today is built in the Khanish. The Khaz defines human relations in the following way. He says human relations is built from small little things. Don't think it's gigantic things. It's small little nuances. It's small little little gestures. It's a little smile. It's the It's the little note, you know. Great we got from the the great Rabbin. He gave us a great once. He said there's a great secret to keeping relationships going. Keep writing little notes, small ones, just sometimes just few words. I love you. I feel for you. You're great. Thanks. Just little notes. But just keep a steady flow says the it's it's that's how you build relationships. You want to keep want to we want to keep these relationships healthy in the family. Just keep doing the smallest little gestures. small gestures essentially comprise the essence of of of any relationship says the um okay guys I can keep you here till I haven't seen anyone looking at the watches yet but uh but uh I know he he can be nasty I think this guy can be nasty if I go too long over time so let me end let me end with another story we have to believe init means that is controlling all the affairs of man in this world of every single individual of so there's a difference between go and yen but yeden Jews every little small action every small thing that happens in our lives is controlled by the divine and it's one of the basic essential beliefs Let me tell you a great story back to the terrible days of of the Holocaust. Um, what the Nazis did in order to ensure cooperation from the local populace, they let the message out that when we round up the Jews, they all kind of, they know they're being rounded up, they're being sent somewhere, they're being exiled. So, they're carrying all their valuable possessions and Jews are very rich. They free game. you local polls can just go and forcefully we'll be there with our guns watching that there won't be any resistance when they're standing in line to get onto the trains you can take whatever you want it's yours and this way they kept the local population very cooperative and very happy the great rules two Polish ladies I tell them how we know this whole story two Polish ladies were prowling around to see what they can take and they saw for a young Jewish lady wearing a beautiful fur coat, cold European winter. They decide, "Oh, that's good game." And who knows what's inside that coat. So they went up to her, the two of them had cost her. They demanded the coat. She refused. She resisted very, very strongly. And um they started scaffling. The Nazi came along and he sort of pitched in and within minutes they had this lady knocked to the floor and they had the coat. These two Polish ladies walked off with a coat and she was subsequently put onto the train. So they come back to their home and they've got another loot. So they feel it's heavy. There must be lots lots of good and lot of good stuff inside there. And they find all kinds of pockets. in the pockets with jewelry and diamonds and and valuables and silver and it was a big big treasure there. And as they came through the pockets, they come to one pocket and the lady feels some little bundle, a parcel. She pulls the parcel out, the bundle out, unwraps it, and to her shock, it's a newborn baby girl. This young lady had obviously just given birth and she didn't want to uh part from her child. So she wrapped her child up with a little baby and put the baby into her pocket. So the one Polish lady says, "Look, you can take all the valuables. I've got I never had children. I've got no children. She's mine. I'm going to raise. She's going to be my child." She gives her a name. She called the Magda. A Polish name. And this little girl grows up in this Polish. Doesn't she thinks that this is her mother? And she grows up in this home and she's got a Yiddish. So she's top of the grades every year. She's the top student. She's the She's a beautiful little girl. Yiddisha girl. Beautiful little girl. And she's a top academic. She's the most popular. and she grows and grows and she finishes her schooling and uh her grades were so good she's given a um uh stipend that uh she can go and study medicine she goes to study medicine in Poland this she thought this Magda the Christian so she thought she goes to study medical and she becomes a doctor she specializes in pediatrics becomes a pediatric surgeon and at some point her mother dies the so-called mother dies She's in the home and she's uh packing up the belongings and the other lady, the one who took all the jewelry etc. She arrives, she was the mother's friend, she arrives and she says, "Well, now that your mother's died, I want to tell you a secret." And she tells her the story. And she said, "And you see this necklace around your neck that you always wear?" She says, "Yes, it's a beautiful necklace. I've always had it though. I have no idea. I've always had it. Says, "Yes, yes, yes. That necklace was found on your person when you were a little baby in that coat and your mother kept it upon you." Now, if you look at that necklace, it's got it's it's it's made in gold and it's got some strange kind of writing. The writing is in the Hebrew language written there in Jerusalem. You're Jewish. You come from Jews and you're Jewish. She doesn't know what to do with this. She's grown up as a Christian. It happened that she was appointed by the Polish government to represent in a medical conference in Manhattan for pediatricians and she was sent as a representative. So here she arrives in New York. She's in Manhattan. She's walking the street of Manhattan and she sees a bunch of boys clearly Jews. She's never interact with a Jew. She goes up to them and she starts babbling and talking and I say, "You know what? It sounds a very complicated question you're asking and they direct her to a big rabbi." I've heard two versions. One say the big rabbi was the great Finstein. Others say it was the Labavich. Whatever it was, but that league, a great great this lady was directed with her story to this great rabbi. And whoever it was, Pascin, he said for her, you're Jewish. Go back to your people. Leave Poland. It's a terrible place. Go back to your people. Go to Israel. She comes to Israel and um all alone. She's now Jewish. She knows she's Jewish. She comes to Israel. She gets a job in Adasa. Yeah. Shim and Adasa in Karim. She gets a job in Adasa as a pediatrician. She meets a nice Jewish doctor in Adasa in Karim. They get married. After their marriage, one day they're walking in the street in the middle of right in the near the intersection of King George and uh that's the center of Jerusalem. There was a pit pizza store there called Zarro. Now Zbarro, the owner was my was a Talmid of mine who I learned with for many years and he told me the story firsthand. His name is Yai and this guy Yai tells me the story that happened. It was a crowded pizza store. An Arab terrorist walked in with a knapsack full of explosives and he exploded himself and many people were killed. I think the member the number 26 sticks in my mind but there were many many casualties and there were wounded and injured lying all over the street. It is a huge explosion with a great great tragedies. Magda and her husband are walking nearby. They're both doctors. So they immediately start dealing with the with with the wounded and you got to prioritize. And they see an elderly gentleman running around screaming hysterically, "My grandchild. My my granddaughter. My granddaughter. Where's my granddaughter?" So Magda gets up and she says, "Where was she?" And they finally locate the granddaughter. She had shrapnel on her leg. She was lying amongst the wounded. So he's fussing around and she starts treating this girl in order to take her blood pressure. So she opens the top of her shirt and she sees she's wearing exactly the same necklace that she's wearing that Magda's wearing. And after she had stabilized her, she says to the father who's standing there, the grandfather who's standing there, she says to him, "Where did she get that necklace? Where's that necklace from?" So the father says, "I know. I'm a goldsmith. I made two necklaces. One I put on a my on a granddaughter and she the Nazi beats to beats took and she's gone. And the other one was on this Magda takes out her necklace holding it in her hand and holding the other necklace and she says shalom Abba is her father. This is publicized in in the in there were articles in the press and an amazing story runs the show behind the scenes. Sometimes it's overt, sometimes it's instant, sometimes it's over a practice is that is one of the essential ingredients. We've got to constantly believe we can have ups and downs in relationships, but we know it's all shim. Just keep going, just keep positive, just keep giving, just keep loving. That's the essence of this mitzvah of Hashem. We should all have sim great. We should all see great. And most important of all, we should all see in our days. We should all see the great of Mashia coming that way and just when he comes be there. It's going to be the greatest sim of history. Pleasure talking with you. Continue and continue building continue this great great um this great institution that I'm speaking for. >> [applause]