The Dating Trap Nobody Talks About - Rabbi Efrem Goldberg

Are you ready to settle? Settle? [music] I know that word just made something in you uncomfortable, maybe even I offended you with the suggestion. But stay with me. I know a young man, he was in shidduchim, he was dating, and he was introduced to a young lady. It was promising, he was excited, and the relationship was advancing. [music] But at some point it wasn't perfect. And he decided to break up. While they were broken up, he just kept thinking about her and what they [music] had. So he got back together, but when he got back together, he again encountered that it wasn't perfect. She wasn't it wasn't perfect. [music] And he couldn't decide what to do. He came to speak to me. And as I explored it with him, I was wondering, was there some insurmountable difference? Did they have a different ideological outlook? Did they think about things differently? The answer clearly was no. >> [music] >> They had so much in common, and so easily it could work. The problem was it wasn't perfect, and he didn't want to settle. [music] I hear this more than you think. Not from people who are being careless, but from people who [music] are being maybe overly careful. People who have real values, >> [music] >> who know what matters to them, and who are still frozen, they're stuck. Because the message they heard their whole lives [music] got through loud and clear, don't settle. And because they heard don't settle, now they can't land. I read a book called 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, a great book. >> [music] >> And there's a section of the book that jumped out at me because it has a brilliant insight when it comes to dating, [music] when it comes to shidduchim. Burkeman argues that the fear of settling is based on [music] a fantasy. The fantasy we have unlimited time to find something that will be perfect if only we wait. But we don't. We're finite, [music] and every choice we make is by definition a choice to let go of other options. That's not a flaw in the system. That's what it means to be human. [music] And here's the part that really stopped me. He said that refusing to settle doesn't actually keep your options open. It just means you're settling for something else. You're settling for a life of endless searching, endless [music] comparing, endless maybe something better is out there. You don't escape settling, you just choose what you're settling for. You can't become truly great at anything without choosing a lane. If you want to succeed as a lawyer, a doctor, or a business person, you have to commit to one path and let go of all the others. So, saying I settled on law, I settled on medicine, I settled on business, it's not a bad thing that you [music] settled, it's a good one. It means you're all in. You've chosen a career, you focused on success, [music] you've excluded the other options and distractions. If you keep bouncing between [music] options, you never gain enough depth to succeed in any of them. And the same is true in relationships. >> [music] >> A relationship can't be deeply fulfilling unless you commit to one, imperfections and all, and stop chasing the idea [music] that someone better might be out there. Real connection only happens >> [music] >> when you choose what's in front of you over the endless fantasy that something better is out there. [music] When you make a choice that's really final, when you burn the bridges and close the door and stop keeping an escape hatch open, you actually discover happiness because you're no longer distracted [music] by the fantasy of an unconstrained future. The closure itself is what creates the joy. When I read that, I immediately thought of the Gemara. >> [music] >> Hazal, the rabbis in the Gemara Berachot daf ches tell us that in the west, the Mar Rav in Israel, when a man got married, they'd ask him, "Matzah? Or motzei?" [music] Matzah as in the pasuk that matzah isha matzah tov, when he's found a wife has found goodness and joy, or motzei [music] as in motzei isha mar mimavet, I found that woman is more bitter than death. What's the difference? Matzah, [music] motzei, is it just a punctuation of the same word? Listen to this insight by Rav Shimshon [music] Pincus in his Tiferes Shimshon. He says the following. A couple get married and they're in love. They're determined to learn about each other, to build a life together, to find happiness together. But as life progresses in that discovery, they also find the other is [music] not perfect. Challenges rise. They may question, "Did I make the [music] right choice? What if someone better is out there?" For a marriage to succeed, for a relationship to last, a person has to realize the decision of selecting a mate, that's part of the past. I can't second-guess [music] that decision every day. I can't get stuck thinking about, "Did [music] I choose the best? Who else is out there?" Those who move forward after making the initial decision, they have a happy marriage. The term matzah [music] is past tense. It's the path to happiness. If you live matzah, I've settled. I settled. I'm leaning in. This is all there is. I've eliminated all others, imperfections and all. >> [music] >> Then, matzah isha matzah tov, you found happiness. But motzei, on the other hand, is the present [music] tense. If you re-evaluate your decision every day, in the present, every day, then marriage will become mar. It becomes [music] bitter. Matzah, settling, doesn't mean everything's perfect. Doesn't mean issues won't come up or need to be addressed, but it means I'm all in. I'm focused. I've eliminated other options. I'm determined [music] to make this succeed. Matzah, past tense. Found. Done. I chose. [music] I move forward. I make this succeed. Motzei is present [music] tense. I'm still finding. I'm still scanning. I'm still deciding. And the Gemara says, these two words describe two completely different marriages. [music] The person in matzah mode, who decided, committed, and closed the door on the fantasy, matzah [music] isha matzah tov, you found joy and good. The person in motzei mode, >> [music] >> re-evaluating, wondering, looking, exploring, fantasizing, they find bitterness. [music] Same person, same spouse, two different approaches, two completely different lives. Berkman figured out something our Gemara knew all along. See, here's what I want to be clear about. This is not about ignoring red flags. >> [music] >> This is not about compromising on what actually matters. Know your core values. Know your deal breakers. Look carefully. That clarity is important and don't let anyone take [music] it from you. Doesn't mean there's no way out of a marriage. Doesn't mean it has to be permanent if it wasn't right and meant to be. [music] What it means is that once you've looked carefully, once you see someone of real character, real values, real potential, decide. Not tentatively, not with one foot out the door, not curious what else is out there. >> [music] >> Decide the way matzah decides, in the past tense. Done. I'm building now. Because settling isn't lowering your standards. >> [music] >> Settling is landing. And the moment you land, the moment you close the door on the fantasy, is the exact [music] moment you could finally walk fully through the door of the one that's open in front of you. That's not giving up. That's how love [music] actually grows. So, maybe it's time to settle. Not as in giving up your core values, but as in leaning in and excluding all other options to make this one succeed.