The Dark Truth About TOXIC FAMILY Dynamics

What are some practical ways to deal with enmeshed family dynamics? >> Um >> And then break that cycle. >> Yeah. >> And escape them. >> So, you know, when you talk about you use the term enmeshed family dynamics, so let's talk about what that really means. I mean, it probably what you mean is that there's usually what it means. I don't know if this is what you mean, but usually what it means is the parents are sort of using the kids for emotional um support. And rather than it being like an honorable relationship where children or the adult children even can sort of feel good about honoring their parents, the parents are sort of emotionally needy. And everything has sort of guilt attached to it, and it becomes this sort of shame and blame game. Yeah, that's usually what it means. Is that what you're kind of talking about? >> Yeah, exactly that. >> Yeah. So, you know, I I always say it like this. It's It's It's definitely It's exhausting because it's not a game that you can ever win because essentially it's someone asking for you to give them what you can never give them. It's like they want usually where it comes from, parents who are like this, they have this deep need for approval, and and they try to get it from their kids. Just usually it starts cuz the kids are available, you know, proximity. That's where it starts from. But it's always faded to tragic outcomes because the truth is you can't get validation from well you cannot get sufficient validation on an existential level at least from any human being let alone from your own children. Like from any human being it's toxic. Marriages that are based on this or one person marries another one in order to get approval. To finally be okay. Tell me I'm okay. Like that that's also fated for a tragic outcome. How much more so when your child who the entire definition of the parent-child relationship is supposed to be that of nurturing of taking care of where the parent takes care of the child and even when the children are grown parent is supposed to be there to support the child. Um and it's basically that's why I say it's a game that you cannot win because they're asking for something from you that you don't have. And that's why it's very frustrating. And then if you're being blamed for not giving them that then it's doubly frustrating cuz it's like you're asking for something I don't have. I'm going to go through the motions pretend that I can give it to you even though I can't and then you're going to be mad at me that I failed. So that's it's it's frustrating it's exhausting. Am I describing anything that resonates with you right now? >> Yeah, you're like ringing a bell. >> [laughter] >> Yeah. >> To be honest that's exactly what it uh is like. >> So my my simple advice is to sort of unilaterally break the the game. Um and what I mean by that is you know the sloppy shotgun approach to it is okay I'm cutting off. Okay, but you know what that it's easy to say that's like saying what's a cure for a headache? Well, cyanide, right? Cuz if you take cyanide you'll be dead then you won't have a headache anymore. So the sloppy shotgun approach is always like okay, so I'm I'm I'm cutting off. But there are much more surgical much more precise ways of doing this that don't don't have to be so heavy-handed. And that's just simply to have clarity in your own mind what you can and cannot provide. And I like to use that phrasing, what I can and cannot provide, instead of saying what I will or will not. Cuz when you say I will or will not, it makes it sound like you're mean if you won't. What you can do is like this. I again, I was saying I don't like to say I won't, rather I can't. I can't. Um and and and you know, if you have an enmeshed parent, it does bring out the codependent in you. And one of the codependent tendencies is to over-promise, is to try to do things that you can't do. And it's a healthy thing to learn how to say I can't do it, not I won't do it. I can't do it. Like that's actually not something I can do. I'm not able to do that. Well, if you would put your whole life on hold, then okay, yeah. When I say I can't, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm physically incapable. It means it's not a reasonable thing for me to be able to accomplish and not completely turn my life upside down, okay? It's like saying, can you sell your house and and and move to a jalapeno farm in Mexico? I could. I mean, I guess physically there's nothing stopping me, but no, I I no, I can't do that. I have responsibilities, I have a family, that's not going to happen. No, I can't. Not I won't, I can't. So >> So what what happens when I've decided what I can and can't do, yeah, and they don't accept that. They >> You got to be ready for that. >> continue to push back and they're they're on they're unhappy that I'm choosing not to to continue fulfilling the role that was set for me. >> You have to learn how to live with that lack of approval. Like the way they're trying to get approval from you, okay, so now it's going to sting. You're not going to have their approval. And and the attitude, and I'm not suggesting that this is always possible, but it's mostly in most cases it is possible, is you have to say like this. I want a relationship with my parents for two reasons. One is the Torah tells me that it's a mitzvah. I want I want to be able to do that mitzvah. Uh two is just on a human level it's healthier to have a relationship with a parent. It's always healthier. Always healthier to have a relationship with a parent if possible. So here's the thing. I'm not going to let their game playing deprive me of having a relationship with them. So here's the thing. I'm going to say no to some stuff. They're going to be mad at me. And I have to be ready to let that roll off my back. I already know they're game playing. I know I already know what they're going to do. And and and they're used to it working. Why wouldn't [clears throat] they try to guilt me into caving in when in the past that's been the language of this family. That guilting people in order to manipulate their behavior has always been the the the the first language of this family. And now that I'm refusing to speak that language, yeah, of course they're going to be more than a little bit uh surprised, taken aback. But you stick to your guns. >> But the ball's in their court now. >> Correct. >> I've kind of made I've made it clear on what I I can and can't do and what what's important to me and the relationship that I want, but it seems that they have a different definition of what a healthy relationship is. >> the thing. >> [sighs and gasps] >> In so many cases where parents say that they have no relationship with their child, if you'll dig into it, you'll find out that the parent was the person who actually cut off from the child. That's not the narrative you hear from them. They'll say my kids don't talk to me. But you'll find out is that the child actually gave many options and the parent decided no, I don't want any of your options. It's my way or the highway. So, if that's what's happening, if you're like sort of at a stalemate where your parents are saying, "No, we're not going to have a relationship with you on your terms, only on our terms." Okay, you're right. Then the ball's in their court, they're making their choice. But I But I think it's always magnanimous, it's healthy, it's loving, it's caring for you to at least in your own heart to know that the door is open and you're not locking the door on the relationship. You're saying, "I'm ready and willing to have a relationship that's healthy and we're not locking the door." >> Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting cuz this is all unfolding at the same time that I've been listening to your Shaar Habitachon class. I'm on like episode 38, beginning of chapter five. And it's been like there's been these moments of uh awareness. >> Yeah. >> Of connection between what's been happening in my life and also going through that course. >> It takes a lot of bitachon. >> What are some strong takeaways? >> Yeah, okay. >> I can It does. It takes a lot. [laughter] >> So, Shaar Habitachon, of course, is the Gate of Trust and it's a work that is about the the trust in God, strengthening your trust in God. So, quickly I'll encapsulate it. The more we strengthen our trust in God, the less we trust in people. You might think that means that you will have less relationships with people. The The truth is you'll have greater and stronger and closer relationships with people. Because remember I told you the error of the enmeshed parent is they're trying to get something from from you that they can't get from you. Okay, ultimately, where should they be getting that from? From the only place they can get it from, which is God. So, they're trying to get from a human being what they can only get from God, which is essentially approval, which is essentially unconditional acceptance. That being accepted just for the fact that you exist. So, here's the thing. Their relationships all get poisoned because they're trying to get things from people they should be getting from God. Well, conversely, you know, when you're the child in such a situation, it's very important for you to realize that your ability to be healthy and and operate in healthy relationships depends on knowing what human relationships can and cannot do. When you are trying to use a human relationship for validation, you're sunk. Absolutely sunk. And the more you try to force it to produce that, the sicker you become and the sicker anyone in your orbit becomes. The more you can let go and realize that your validation, your approval, your permission to exist only comes from God, the more you can relate to human beings in a very sort of tolerant, loving way where I'm not trying to get anything from you. That It's actually It becomes rather altruistic. You know, like there's no there's no barter here. It's not We're not It's not tit-for-tat. We're not trying to It's not a transactional relationship anymore. You can just enjoy each other. So, the the deeper you are into your bitachon and your trust in Hashem, then the the more free and and compassionate and selfless your human relationships will be. Yeah. >> You know, I've been going through that that course for uh for a while now. Still going at it. Listen every day. >> Mhm. >> Are are there additional practical ways to strengthen that bitachon? Like is it taking on acts of service? >> The biggest way to strengthen the bitachon muscle is to put it into practice in life when you are up against the wall, when you're in an uncomfortable spot. In other words, there's an expression they say in school, you're given the lesson and then you take the test, in life you take the test and then you're given the lesson. The test is how you learn the lesson. So, when you're in an uncomfortable spot, like for instance in an in an enmeshed family dynamic, and you can just breathe through it and be a mensch and not become a wacko, and actually just be at peace with it and move through it with dignity. That is the That's the practical way to strengthen everything you're learning about in Shaar Habitachon.