The Best Shidduch Question NOBODY Asks | Shidduch Series #3

I get a lot of phone calls about shidduchim, a lot of questions, but there's one question I'm almost never asked on a shidduch call. And it predicts a healthy marriage better than almost anything else on the list. People ask about looks, they ask about money, family, learning, hashkafa, all the usual boxes. And they're important. There's nothing wrong with asking to find [music] out. But I'm going to show you from the Torah and from modern research the one trait that matters more than all of it. And how to spot it in someone else and how to build it in yourself. The most important quality to look for in a spouse and to have in yourself is the capacity to be open to influence. [music] The ability to listen, to let another person actually help mold and shape you. Dr. John Gottman studied couples for decades. Just by watching how they handle >> [music] >> a disagreement, he could predict divorce within 15 years with over 90% accuracy. And this is what he says. When one partner refused to accept influence, [music] always had to be right, always in control, he found there was an 81% chance the marriage would fail. Let me say that again. When a couple, when a party in the couple was not open to influence, always had to be right, was a finished product, was done, he found that marriage would fail 81% of the times. [music] It's couples where both partners let themselves be shaped by the other far more stable, far happier. That trait isn't compromise like it's some chore. It's the life capacity to be moved by somebody else. Now, here's what's remarkable. The Torah makes the exact same point thousands of years ago before Gottman even had a lab. The Ben Sorer U'Moreh, the wayward son, disobeys his parents, he's gluttonous, he indulges destructively, and the Torah says he's beyond hope. He's judged and punished now for what he yet will become. Nidhon ashem sofo. He's judged not for what he's done, but for what he's going to do. We don't normally punish people [music] for a future that hasn't happened. And in fact, everywhere else the Torah says the exact opposite. Take for example the story of Ishmael. He's cast out dying of thirst. The angels object >> [music] >> and they say, "Why save him when his descendants will one day deny water and persecute the Jews?" And Hashem says, [music] "Save him anyway." Why? Basher hu sham. God judged Ishmael by where he was right now, not by what his descendants would become, not by what would happen in the future. So, which is it? Are we judged by who we're destined to become like the wayward son, or are we judged by right now like Ishmael? [music] Two stories, two opposite rules, two different conclusions. The answer is the whole point, and it's the answer to that shidduch question, too. Reish Lakish and Rav Shmuel bar Nachmani offer a distinction. The difference between Ishmael and the ben sorer umoreh, the wayward son, isn't the sin, isn't the wrongdoing. It's one thing. Look at what the Torah says about the wayward son. Again and again, it describes him as "Eynenu shome'a." He doesn't listen. He will not hear his father and his mother. He can't hear anyone. That That's the diagnosis. You see, Ishmael was innocent and crucially, he was still reachable. The wayward son is condemned to his future for one reason. He's closed. He won't listen. He can't change. His future is sealed because he's not open to influence. The great Rabbeinu Yonah says, "The first prerequisite for change is the willingness to listen, to stay open to the possibility that you might be wrong, that you might need to adjust. A person who can't be influenced can't grow. Not by a rebbe, not by a friend, not by a spouse, not by a book, not even by their own conscience. That's not a person having a bad moment. That's a future with the door shut. That is what makes the wayward son so hopeless. [music] Not the mistake, it's the closedness. So, the question nobody asks on the reference call isn't [music] is he smart, is she pretty, are they successful, tell me about their yichus, their hashkafa. It's can this person be influenced? Do they listen? When they're shown they might be wrong, do they get curious or do they get defensive? Are they a finished product or are they a work in progress? Don't ask if they're always right, ask if they can say you may be right. Let's think about it. And just as important, turn it inward. The trait you're screening for is the trait you also have to bring. A marriage is two people willing to be shaped [music] by one another. You can't demand openness you're not offering. You aren't looking for a finished product. You're not looking for a complete person. You're looking for someone who's open to influence, and you need to be that, too. Chazal tell us the wayward son never actually happened and never will. Nobody perfectly fits the case, the criteria. So, why does the Torah tell us the story at all? Because drosh hakabalah so we can learn from it. It was never about a rebellious teenager. It's about us. The only thing that seals a future is refusing to be reached. So, this isn't about being a perfect spouse or a perfect person. It's about being reachable. The wayward son is doomed because he can't be reached, and we're redeemed the moment we show that we can. Wherever you are right now, if you can still listen to a spouse, to a friend, to a parent, to the small voice inside yourself, your future is wide open. So, the question you need to be asking is the other person open to influence. And the question you need to be the answer to is are you?