The 8 Keys to a Great Marriage - Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch

[Music] couples asked me all the time what are the eight most important things you could do to have a really great marriage and they're easy to remember here they are the first one is to think positively with your spouse I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where a wife is home with the children let's say and the husband comes home and he's in a bad mood he's unhappy he's at a hard day at work and he shares all that negativity with his family you know what happens next sometimes the father starts disciplining his kids and telling him to clean up and go to sleep and do their homework and he's not really their friend at that point he's just discharging a lot of negativity but I tell father is the absolute opposite what you need to do is you need to share your optimism when you walk in the home share the positivity share the light with your spouse say you look great today you go up to your kids give them a high-five say it's so nice to see everybody and I know you might not be feeling that inside it really doesn't matter sometimes it's more important what you do than what you're feeling like inside and better yet sometimes if you behave differently you start feeling differently inside but the most important thing your spouse needs from you is positivity is optimism it's really contagious in a family people are struggling all the time with parenting questions and the kids aren't happy and people aren't happy with school and their friends and things are not getting and not getting enough time in their computer and so on all you need to do is share that optimism I guarantee you will improve your relationship number two make small little changes in your relationship one of the most important changes we're seeing that all types of people need to make today are turning off your cell phone just watch yourself for a few hours now every day notice how much time you spend glancing at your cell phone versus how much face time you spend with your children make a change make that small little gesture by putting away your phone when you're with your family if you can't do it alone have your spouse take your phone away from you I for of instances where spouses put away the phone in another room and you can put a clock on it let's say for in half an hour an hour or longer you're gonna put away your phone I promise you there'll be no emergencies if you miss miss your whatsapp your Facebook messages your text messages if people have an emergency you know where they call 9-1-1 most the time you're not saving anybody's life or making an important business session by being on your phone every single second of the day what's really more important are those small gestures with your children when you put away your phone you show them they're important you show them how much you care about them you show them that they're more important than technology that's the second small gesture which will change your marriage the third small gesture you can make in your marriage is build intimacy people ask me all the time what does intimacy really mean I heard a great thing at a lecture intimacy means into me see in other words the more you get to know somebody the more you feel closer with that person you need to build that intimacy in your relationship intimacy is built by getting to know the other person how do you get to know somebody by spending quality time with them number one you have to prioritize that relationship with them before anything else in the world I know couples get so busy today and it's so important to spend time together so what I suggest you do is make a date with your spouse at least once a week put it on the calendar Wednesday night between 8:00 and 11:00 I'm going out with my spouse and spend that time it's Kota shooked Ocean it's the Holy of Holies of the relationship spending quality time if you can't afford to go out if you have don't have a lot of time if you can't find a babysitter wait till the kids are sleeping turn off your phone turn off all the videos make it date in the house go to a room together and just talk putting my putting face to face I guarantee you that if you show your spouse you're interested in building that intimate relationship and getting to know them you're going to be much happier number four of the small gestures is simply to smile at your spouse I can't tell you how many women have come complaining with their husbands that their husband looks so sad all that he looks so overwhelmed he looks angry he has this toughness about him when he walks in the home or he's worried about something it can be changed so simply I know you might be feeling broken going through a hard time but I can tell you one thing a smile is free not only is a smile important for people around you smiling has been shown scientifically to affect your mood I can prove it to you take a few seconds now when I'm talking and just start smiling start smiling notice the muscles in your face notice the feelings that emit from your face from your neck from your heart notice the positive feelings that are associated with that smile smile actually brings a lot more happiness in your life so I guarantee you you want to improve your relationship you want to do something really small to make a big difference just start smiling more number five a small gesture would be through what I call why didn't your horizon step back from anything that's going on in your relationship difficulty with the kids things you've been fighting about your spouse things you're not happy about back up a little bit I often give this example to my clients that come to me as a therapist I say imagine that there's a camera over your head looking at you now take that camera go up about ten feet up in the air take another shot go back ten feet even higher go up to the sky what do you see you start seeing yourself from a much higher perspective go even further pull back pull back to the edge of the earth go up to the stratosphere look down upon the earth you'll see an amazing world around you all you need to do is you need to pull out from that myopathy looking to intensely at something up too closely and you pull back and you start seeing things from a bigger perspective it's quite a remarkable shift and you're thinking which will affect your feelings look for a bigger picture emerging something might bother you temporarily but you know if you just hold that a little longer things will get better people for example get so bogged down with you know raising children and the difficulty of having kids because kids take a lot of time and effort to raise them and if it's getting overwhelming say stop pull back with that camera look at your life from a much broader perspective look at all the pleasure and enjoyment you're gonna have from raising these beautiful Jewish children in a few years expanding your perspective of widening your verison helps so many couples understand where they are and makes their marriage so much better number six a small thing you can do to affect affect your marriage is called letting go it's so important to let go of things all of us have our little pet peeves some people want their socks in the hamper some people want their toothpaste to be put away in a certain way in their bathrooms some people don't like when people don't clean up their dishes after the meal some people get upset when their spouse doesn't throw the garbage away or comes home a few minutes late I'm telling you the most important thing in a relationship it's something so small you can do is just let it go it's quite amazing it's like building a muscle the more you use it the stronger that muscle gets the same thing with letting go try to let go of those small things because I guaranteed so small things that annoy you that you're probably always arguing about when you let them go you're giving over the message that there's something more important than those small little idiosyncrasies in your spouse when you give up those little things and you let go of them you're telling your spouse that they're more important than these little feelings you're having and this is the other point it's very contagious when you start letting go of simple things and small things that bother you hopefully your spouse will as well letting go of these things for both of you is gonna make a big change in your relationship number seven try to do new things for one another try to innovate in your life sometimes if you make little changes like that the other person feels hey the person's really interested in me they thought about something new for example if you bring your wife flowers every week we'll bring your special flowers one week if you go to a certain type of restaurant all the time switch it up and go to another restaurant if you're used to going on certain vacations with either your spouse your children try to find new things to do now I know you might enjoy some of the old things as well I don't want you to give them up but I want to show you that when you do new things you're showing people in your life that you're actually thinking about them you want to innovate in your lives to become much happier and more excited to be together and finally ask more questions about how your spouse is feeling interview them listen carefully you know men have this tendency actually to try to fix things when the other person is listening it's so important most women just want to speak about how they're feeling during that day so just speak to your spouse ask them lots of questions ask them how their day was ask them how they're feeling ask them about things that are bothering them in their lives asking them about people they'd like to spend more time with ask them about how they're feeling if you do that more effectively but most importantly you take interest in their answers and don't try to fix them they're going to enjoy spending more time with you so those are eight simple ways you can utilize to improve your marriage good luck it using them I guarantee more success in your relationship welcome to this new series in HIDA Brut called marriage matters my name is rabbi Daniel shomba and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in New York and around the world via Skype on this important series I will be answering your questions you have about marriage relationships dating parenting and about any issue dealing with family and relationships but more than what I have to say I want to hear what you have to say so please email to this address and send in your questions and I'll try to answer as many questions on this new show you