The 42 Journeys: Learning to Be Present in Life - Rabbi YY Jacobson

the yeshiva.net. [Music] >> Welcome everybody. Thank you for gracing us. Today's class is dedicated in the loving memory of the unforgettable Rabbi Noim Michelle in honor of his 10th yard site on the 18th day of Tamuz dedicated by his son Dr. Michael Michelle and daughter-in-law Liz Michelle and their entire family. Rabbaka Michelle was from the early early pioneers and builders of the Muny Jewish community. He dedicated 60 years to educating and inspiring Jewish children and families here in Muny, New York. A survivor from Poland where he lost much of his family. He came here and built a family and a community and a beautiful school. And this class is dedicated in his loving memory and may his soul eternal soul be a continuous source of empowerment, pride, love, inspiration, wisdom, learning and dedication. Amen. Today's class is also dedicated in loving memory of Aviva Rahul Yata Bas Reb Ben on her first yard site. She is so missed by all dedicated by family especially on the first site when the soul experiences a special elevation and may her presence may her soul be a continuous source of spiritual love and empowerment and presence for all of her loved ones and all of the Jewish people. Amen. And thank you very very much. Today's and today we're going to discuss as always in the Torah every word is precise and sometimes you see what looks like I say in quotation marks a glitch a glitch in the way something is written but whenever you see such a glitch it means that it's inviting us to really uncover profound layers of depth in the opening of the second portion we read this week which is part mas there is such an exposite with a strange way of writing it and it opens us up to a very very profound reflection. And it also connects to the fact these parishes parishes mat and m and dorim are always read during the three weeks the three weeks from the 17th of Thomas till the 9th of when we commemorate and reflect on the story of the ba mikdash the exile the promise of redemption which we create and anticipate and look forward to and it's all connected also to this theme as the shalah writes that the parishes are always connected to the time of the calendar when they're read. So matas mas is always connected to the theme of the three weeks as well. So let's begin the opening of paras mas which is of course the last portion of the book of bidbah the book of numbers concludes chapter 33 concludes with paras masi which is the last section of saf midbar and it basically chronicles in the first part of it it chronicles the 42 journeys of the Jewish people from Egypt all the way to the to the border of the promised land it's known as the memb 42 2 journeys, 42 encampments that took 40 years. So they leave Mitsay, that's the first journey from Egypt to a place called Ramsees, from Ramsees to a place called Sukis. And then they go through the journeys over the next four decades until they come to a place called Arvos Moab, the plains of Mo, which is in today's Jordan Petra on the east side of the Jordan River. And from there they will ultimately cross with Yeshua Benoon, the Jordan River, into Yik into Jericho, into the Holy Land. So parishious mass chronicles those 42 st stop stops 42 exits 42 destinations 42 journeys in fact it's very interesting that 70% of if you go through percentage 70% of approximately is basically a chronicle of these journeys has a lot of other stories you have of course boratious in the beginning of our history you have the story of the exile in Egypt the redemption but 70 have a lot of laws and all the mitzvah 613 mitzvah but 70% % of Kish is the story of these journeys. So obviously these journeys occupy a very major uh spot space in the Jewish mind in Jewish development in Jewish history and in understanding all of Yiddish. It's not just it happens to be that they did 42 journeys but 70% of of the source the blueprint of of of Judaism and of life and of the world is these journeys going through these journeys and parasi chronicles them one after another. How does he introduce it the so you'll see the first that's numbers 33 chapter chapter 33 verse1 you have it in the original and you have it also in the English these are the journeys of the children of Israel the Israelites these are the mass ma in Hebrew means a journey like right you still say in Hebrew I will be traveling tomorrow. So m means journeys. These are the journeys of the b is the children of Israel who left they left the land of Egypt organized by their troops by their legions. It was of course a whole formation and organization. Every tribe had its its place and its flag and the color of its flag. This was in the hands meaning under the leadership of two people and the two brothers who led the troops through this journey. Fascinating puzzle. And recorded, he wrote down. What does that mean? Moshe wrote down he recorded means their starting points. Mait comes from the word. Mait is where you coming from, right? Even in Hebrew you say my source where I come from like we say left you leave from somewhere where you were. So Mosha recorded aim their starting points of their journeys. Literally it means where they came from where they went to is where they came from where they left where they went out of and where were they were journeying to and this was according to the word of Hashem. This was based on Hashem's instruction. And these are their journeys with their starting points. You see something funny in this person? Yeah. What? Okay. What else? Right. The switch is very very interesting. The first time it says which we're fine with. Mosha recorded their starting points of the journeys. Got it? So he should say the second time around he shifts the order. That's number one. Number two, the whole expression seems the whole sentence, the language seems awkward and bulky and heavy. He could have just said wrote their journeys. Journeys include where you come from, where you going. If somebody says, I want to share with you my journey, they usually tell you where they started off, where they ended up, what was the next stop, what was the next stop. like he starts off. What's this? What's the significance of these two words and then the next time around it's shifted around in the opposite order. You'll also notice the first time it says Hashem for the second time doesn't say Hashem. Also, it's interesting. It says he didn't even need the last words. He could have just right away started the journeys. The next bus starts off the first journey from Egypt. They left Egypt on the 15th day of miss which is celebrated as Pes they went to a place called Ramsees from Ramsees to Sukis ultimately they come to a place called they crossed the Red Sea etc etc they go from one place to another place another place and just start they left Egypt what is obviously if this is what you're going to write this is what you're going to write it doesn't have to say and these are their journeys obviously might you recorded their journeys you could start telling us our journeys another very interesting Interesting thing is this is the only time it says that Mosha wrote down something in the whole was written by Moshen. Everything was written by Moshen. The whole is basically a document that Mosher Rabenu wrote dictated by Hashem from the beginning till the end of here it says so is basically writing that he wrote that he wrote it. But it's also true about the previous verses. It's true about the previous portions true about the later portions. But here somehow it's important for Mosha to write down that he wrote down these journeys. So it looks like you know okay it's just some words like what's the the point is the same they're making these journeys but really as I said all of these types of uh bizarre expressions or difficulties or challenges or enigmas are always extremely meticulous and precise to open vistas to the deeper layers of understanding. So throughout the generations commentators explored these words significantly especially that there are many many very various fascinating interpretations was one a very famous safer called paneafos by somebody known as the bha he was the great rabbi of Frankfurt Frankfurt amine in the 18th century as a safer called ponopus he was a student of the magn he has fascinating interpretations here and there's many others But I want to focus today on one very powerful and extremely uh personal and relevant interpretation that comes from the safer by the bal who wrote it and he has a few discourses literally devoted to these few verses long discourses long but I chose from one of them a few sections a few sentences that really capture the idea and I'll try to elaborate and explain it the way I understood it as hashem with God's grace may I be a channel to be able to express this wisdom and the way it affects and teaches us about our lives which is the reason that the terror is recording it so let's see inside he begins with a question we have to understand right that was our first question when He speaks about Mosha writing it. It's first then their starting points and then their journeys. But then it says these are their journeys from their starting points in the opposite order. And here it doesn't say Mosha wrote that. Here is just this is how it is. The second question was it mean wrote the obviously that's what we assume. Mosha wrote this. If it's part of the mo I didn't write it. Thomas Jefferson didn't write it. George Washington didn't write it. Napoleon didn't write it. Like the rest of the rest of the Hashem dictated, Hashem dictates and Mosha repeated and wrote it down. So even if it wouldn't say Moshe wrote it, when you're reading par you say, who wrote all of these journeys? Mosha. He was also the witness. He was there. I mean, he led the whole the entire journey. The explanation is as follows. What was this idea of a journey? 42 destinations together with the they had the ark. We say when Moshe traveled when the started to travel in front of the Jewish people Moshe had a whole text that he would say we say till today when we open up the ark we open up the ark to read the we say when they would rest gave another he would say something else you could say well it's simple because of the spies they couldn't go in ter they didn't want to go and they were afraid. They were petrified. There was a decree to stay 40 years in the desert. So obviously they traveled. So that's the reason that you have all these journeys. That would seem that all the journeys is just a technical result of the decree. Very fascinating. It's true that it happened because of the spies, but that's just the way it played itself out. Ultimately, God is the cause of all the causes. So sometimes you have something that happens. You say, "What's the reason?" Well, she did this, she said that. He did that. Okay, that's the reason. But that's on one level. What's the reason for the reason? You'll say, well, she was this and okay, got it. But what was the reason for the reason for the reason? And ultimately, you got to blame God. Meaning the cause of all the causes, you know, the domino effect. Yeah, there's a domino that pushes another domino, another domino, another, but somebody pushed the first domino. So, a after everything said and done, it doesn't mean that nobody is guilty. It doesn't mean everybody should be exonerated. It doesn't mean that uh nothing is challenging. It just means if you go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, you'll see that ultimately there's a cause for the cause and there's a cause for the cause and there's a cause for the cause and there's what we call sibas the siba the cause for all the sib for everything else. So it's not just the spies and they ruined it for everybody. They're stuck in a desert. So they're going on all these journeys because just to stay in one place for 40 years, Jews get bored very very fast. They need to be stimulated. This is before the generation of smartphones. So what are they supposed to do for 40 years? So therefore, you're like, "Okay, we're going on a hike. Okay, we're going on another hike. Okay, Monday morning we have an amazing hike. Wednesday morning, the hikes are unbelievable. Haramman Park, Bare Mountains, we're going to hike." So it's just like, you know, almost like entertaining them, taking out time. We're going to stay in one place for 40 years. But the truth is that's a very superficial way of looking at it. There's a whole journey happening here that ultimately is designed from a very very deep place. Even though it plays itself out through various factors on a deeper level, meaning on a concealed level means the books that discuss the internal underlying spiritual energies behind things. It says in says the was actually work being done in the desert in the wilderness. The wilderness of Sinai is called inhib and fearsome desert, a real wilderness with snakes and scorpions, a place of thirst and hydration. There was no water there, no natural, there was no room for fertility or a natural habitat there. So this was a really fear. It still is. You could check it out. It's a fearsome fearsome wilderness. The 42 journeys was really a very deep effort where something in this desert was being subdued. What doesn't make sense? What are they trying to subdue? It's a place of desolatenness. Nobody's living there. It's not like there's a military. It's a place of of of wilderness. It's in Hebrew means desolate. It's not a place that you can inhabit. What's there to subdue there? It's just empty. It's empty. a real real desert rack have rocks and rocks. The explanation is as follows where you see we're in the last source here. The line starts darb. It's from 1 2 3 4 5 six six lines from the from the third s from the third source explanations calls this nation this desert the desert of the nations. What does he mean? He means as follows. Was the spiritual parallel and contrast to quote him is the source. It's the source from where all the kipos will then explain what that means. All the shells, all the husks receive their nurture. And it's the opposite. that it's from which is the source for all the holiness in the entire world is the gate of heaven when Jacob sleeps falls asleep by the he wakes up and he says this is the gate this is the portal of heaven the flow from above flows through there through there God commanded the blessing and from the flow in the holy land all of the other countries received nurture from holiness. So what Jerusaleim is in the world of holiness this midbar the desert that the Jewish people traversed was the opposite the source of what he calls which is unholiness says in Ecclesiastes every force in the world has a counterforce there's a force and a counter force everything is created like a chess game there's one team and the other team has the parallel pieces that's what creates the game of chess or any other game so Hashem creates If you were is the source for all of the holiness in the world. This midbar the desert is the source of all the unholiness in the world. The source of all the and that's why it was a arid land that could not produce any fruits. No growth over there. There was no natural way of growing of producing them because in holiness the sign of holiness is that it gives it grows. It produces it shears. There's a essential generosity in holiness like we say in from you give life to all. There's a flow of life that comes because it's the source of life. There's always a flow of life that comes from holiness. Just give, give, give. They're always just asking for me. I want more. Just give, give, give, give. There's no real ability to give to the other. It's always I want. Give to me. I want to take take take without give. They do not know how to truly give to the other. That's the sign. And that's why our sages say you know whenever you a chicken a bird or a kosher undomesticated animal called to cover the blood respect for the life. So you need earth for that. So midbar the soil the earth of the midbar is pulled. It's disqualified to cover the blood of the gar says because it's an earth that's not fertile. Nothing can grow there. So it's not good to you can't use it to cover up blood. So it's a different type of the sand in the desert is a different type. It doesn't grow. It doesn't produce anything. When the Jews traveled through this desert, through this terrain, this environment, they subdued it. They confronted it. And what our forefathers, our matriarchs, our patriarchs, our fathers and mothers did in previous history is an effect that goes to the children till the end of all generations just like is true biologically. They call it today epigenetics, right? We carry the genes of generations and generations. So we carry challenging things. We carry also all the gifts, all the powerful and positive things. It works both ways. epigenetics we don't only inherit all of the challenge a lot of the challenges we also inherit tremendous opportunities gifts and blessings so all their actions is an effect till the end of generations because of that journey in the desert every person can confront their own their own own holiness everything that their body may carry their body which compares to the skin of the snake will explain which comes from I can confront it because of that journey. So their journey is a timeless journey because it created a precedent and a paradigm and a foundation for the work that everybody does throughout their generations with their own own holiness. that the physical body of a person should be able to acquies to embrace the desire of the divine to be fully in love in joyful presence and love. It's because the source the outlet the source where it all comes from was already subdued without that journey. Nobody would be able to prevail over their animal consciousness. They would they would they would we would be defeated because they took on the source the core. Now we could take on the branches. Every tree has the roots and has the branches. The branches come from the roots. The root of kipo of unholiness is the desert. They took on the root. They went to the you know the nuclear facility the core of it. and they subdued it. So now the derivative that everybody deals with, you can deal with it. It's like a and a clal is the collective, the collective source. Pratt is the branches, the details, the derivatives. Pratt is like the detail. Pratiml is the collective. They had to take on the cl like the core, the source. And now we can deal with the with the prat. So what are we learning here? What's the Balatanya teaching here? That this journey in the desert wasn't just a technical journey to get from one place to another place and ultimately after 40 years going to the promised land. But the journey itself was the destination. The journey itself was a major part of the destination. It had a purpose in and of itself outside of course of the fact that one day they would go into the holy land. That's obvious. But the journeys and the encampments themselves, each one had a very very specific purpose. Not only for that time, for eternity. And the 42, it's not random. Okay, we'll go another place, another place, another place. They are carefully choreographed and designed as a preparation for the journey of humanity and especially for their children, the Jewish people throughout history. So even thousands of years later, we read about this journey because everyone essentially is making these journeys. The BMP had a grandson. He's known as the de makan. His daughter, she had a son. It's known as Ephraim of Sedlikov in Ukraine. Does it say for if you from his grandfather the 42 journeys are the journeys that every single person makes from birth throughout their life. So if you read those journeys, they're also personal journeys. Now of course in every person the journey is different. It plays itself out of course and manifests itself in different ways. But the concept and the theme of the journeys that the Jewish people go through in his in the past history are continuously reflective and that's essentially what the balata is teaching and only because they went through that journey already we have like a paradigm you know the the the who who achieved it first who trailblazed who trailblazed in uh in the war of uh of uh June 1944 Normandy. Yes. So, uh, D-Day. So, the the first soldiers, they didn't exactly know where to get off. And the attack of the Germans was so fierce, the first ones, you know, were defeated in the attack, but they created the foundation for the soldiers that came after them to be able to get to the shore and ultimately conquer Normandy, which was the beginning of Hitler's defeat in Europe. So the Balata says they took on the core of the Kipo and it wasn't easy. You see throughout the journeys there were many, many setbacks, many failures. You read through the 42 journeys. Some were glorious and some were disastrous. Some were thrilling and exciting and amazing and some were very very difficult and challenging. But this was really a confrontation with something very very real with the core of kip. And only because of that he says now every person in their own individual life can do this work. And the key difference that he makes between the desert and between Kadusha and Kipa is if it's a place that produces and grows which means there's an element of giving I grow I produce like fruits that come from trees or vegetables or any place that grows where the earth is basically in a continuous state of is giving life or in where it's just give me give me I want to take take have have just give me more give me more give me I don't have the mental space to be able to truly give because I just always have to receive because of we'll soon see the difference. Why? We can truly appreciate why here the Tyra says Mosha wrote it and the two expressions and in the opposite order one time one order and then in the opposite order. But let's delve a little deeper and more personally into this theme and this concept that we're developing here about these journeys. He says the key difference between holiness and unholiness is in holiness there's always a flow there's a generosity of spirit in kipa it's one directional give me give me give me what's the reason for that the reason for that is twofold both are very very deep and we have to tune into this the first thing is the only person only we see it in our life constantly the only way I can really be in a state of true giving is if I don't feel that by giving I'm going to be depleted. If every time I give I feel exhausted, I feel nauseous, I feel overwhelmed, I feel anxious, it's so difficult, it's so challenging, I just have to take. In order to be able to give, I have to have the I have to be in a mental space. I have to be in a state where I feel that by giving, I'm not losing myself. I'm not losing my identity. I'm not giving up everything. Because if I do, then I can only give for one of two reasons. Either because I feel terribly guilty and I need to please people in order to impress them, which means it makes me even more exhausted. Or the opposite alternative is I just shut down and I'm like, "No, no, no, no." And I create deep walls. I can't give. And we can understand it. Real giving can only come from a place where the person has so much uh love inside of them. They're so expansive that the giving is almost natural. It's like a it it flows. The example for that would be if I fill my cup and my cup is filled and filled and I fill it more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more. Right? Now what happens if I continue to fill it? It starts overflowing. And if there's a bunch of empty cups that'll ultimately be filled up. So now what happens? I have water and everybody else has water. And the more water I'm giving myself, the more water everybody else has. Like we say in benching, of it doesn't say with a it says with a gimmel you know what in Hebrew means it overflows like the garra says any home that wine is not the wine should spill like water it overflows that's a different experience then the generosity is organic it's natural it's actually exciting But if all I'm doing is my cup is empty and all I'm doing is I'm standing with a bottle and filling up everybody's cup individually. First of all, my hand gets so exhausted after a while until I plot. So either I continue to do it out of terrible, terrible guilt because I don't know how to say no because if I say no, who knows what's going to happen. You know, you're not going to like me. The world is not going to like me. Worse is I'm going to hate myself. Or I really just shut down. It's very, very difficult. Kadusha This is so but kadusha holiness which means anything that's aligned with the source is full of life. It has infinite infinite energy because it's aligned with the source of infinity. So it naturally has so much to give because it's not going to be depleted. It's like electricity right? When you put the plug in, the electricity doesn't say, "No, no, no, no, no, no. I already fired up a few machines today. I'm done with you people. You're a bunch of narcissists. I'm done. Electrons, they don't get exhausted. Of course, plug in. I'm here. I'm available." It's part of the miracle of the electrons that God created. And when you unplug it, the electrons don't die. They just go back to their source. For thousands of years, we didn't even know about electrons. We didn't know about electricity was here. It was just waiting for people to create the vessels, the containers to be able to channel electricity and it changed the whole world, the whole industrial revolution in the 19th century. So this is even electricity which is part of creation. The sun doesn't get upset when you open the Venetian blinds and you say, "I need the light." The sun said, "No, no, no, no, no. I've been giving light to millions of houses. I'm done. I'm done. I've been working from 4:30 in the morning today. Okay. Don't I get my lunch break? Why doesn't the sun tell that to anybody? Shut your Venetian blinds. I do not have enough light for everybody. I am exhausted. I am done. I am finished. I want to kill myself. I need to go to Switzerland. The problem is the sun is shining in Switzerland too. Much cooler. Okay. The reason of course is the sun doesn't get exhausted from more people and more animals and more nature enjoying its light. On the contrary, and the reason is because it's its own source of light. It's not creating a source of light by giving. It's not like I give you light and tell me how good I am. I'll be nice and now tell me how nice I am. The sun, in fact, if you close your Venetian blinds, you open your Venetian blinds, the sun doesn't care. You want to take it, you don't want to take it. I'm good. I'm good. It's luminescent within. Because it's luminescent within, it has so much light to give whoever wants. The same is true psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. When I'm alive within, when I am aligned with my own source of life, I'm aligned with an infinite source of energy. So there's naturally so much to give. That's just the natural natural space. It's not from a place of guilt where I'm actually giving you because I need your validation and your feedback and I need to feel good. Now this is a very natural condition in the world and maybe some mothers can even relate to it. Some people can relate to it. Sometimes we're so wired that I have to give, I have to give, I have to give that my entire giving is coming from a place of very very deep insecurity, very deep inadequacy. First of all, I can't then really give because my giving is only coming from my void. It's coming from my guilt. It's coming from a very uh impoverished place in me. So my giving is going to be very very cheap. Especially, I see it true with our children. You know, as mothers, I don't have to elaborate on this. We sacrifice. I'm going to say a word we even though I just said mothers just because you get the point. We sacrifice so much. And really, people feel like, what else can I do? You know, I just want to give. I want my kids to be comfortable. I want them to have everything they need. And it's true. And mothers sacrifice so so much. Some what we don't realize is that what they need more than anything else is open hearts. An open heart. And the only way I can give them an open heart is if I have an open heart. I can't fake an open heart. There was once a mother who told me that she's busy in the kitchen a whole night cooking food cuz her kids get very very hungry. So she has no time to be with them because she's cooking food for them. Right? That's a very very interesting thing. She's cooking so much all for them. All for them. And in many ways it tells her I'm here. I'm giving. I'm giving. I'm giving. But sometimes I'm really avoiding the truth that I don't know how to be present with my heart. I don't know what that means. And it's not nobody's fault because it's something we sometimes need to do a lot of inner work to be able to open ourselves up to. But that's the deepest form of giving. The deepest form of giving is giving myself, giving my core, giving my heart, giving my conscious. And it's also the hardest way of giving. You know, I could cook food and I could do laundry and I could do an errand. could run here and go to Costco and then go to Home Dut and then go to Evergreen and then go to Evergreen Uptown because Evergreen Downtown didn't have the type of vanilla ice cream that my son likes. I have nothing against vanilla ice cream. You should get the vanilla ice cream your son likes and give me a little bit leftovers, but sometimes I'm running from errand to errand to errand to errand and these errands are important. Yeah, we need to eat and we need clothes and we need home and we need shelter of course. But the real real form of giving is sometimes five minutes with somebody full presence is so much more powerful than a few hours but I'm not really present but the only way I can give from that space is only when I'm giving from my richest space from my most blissful space from the place in me that's actually filled with energy it's filled with love it's filled with life how can I do that only if I'm in touch with the source of life that's the first difference between holiness penis and honolus in kipa the flow of life is very limited why because the definition the word kipa means a cover up a husk a shell that's what kipa kipa is a shell kipa is anything in the world that is not open to the fact that anoid mulvad that it's just a part of god's infinite flow it covers up that truth so the energy flow is very very meager so if it sees energy it right away hijacks it I need it for myself I need it for myself I can't afford to give electricity has no problem. The sun has no problem because they're trust their creator. They're good. They're not depleted. But in Kipa, I create an identity that's based on me, on my ego. Ego is easing God out, easing greatness out. So if I can get energy, I need to keep it for myself. I can't give it to you. Maybe I'll give you a little little water. So I could sometimes give and give my whole life to people, but it's coming from a place of deep insecurity or deep need for people's pleasing because I feel that if I don't get that approval, who knows? I'm going to be this worthless girl. And maybe I grew up with a message that my purpose in life is to serve and to give to others. So if I say no to anybody, the world may crumble in a few moments because I said no. And who do I think I am to say no? And if I want, I have to say yes. I'm supposed to be about and all I can give is just my superficial guilt. That's really what I can give. It's sad because people mean so so well. But I'm basically giving from my own place of cover-ups, my own place of clea. I'm not in touch with my own real source of life. Kadusha is secure in its identity. It's secure in its life. It's not going to be depleted. You're in touch with God. You're good. God is infinite. He's not getting exhausted tomorrow. Like somebody once said, at night I give up all my problems to God. He's staying up anyway. You don't go to sleep. You deal with Mary. You deal with it. You're staying up anyway. What do I got to go to sleep? I need to wake up to serve you because kaduca has that essential connection. So there's a confidence from within. So the giving comes from a very very different place. I don't feel that I'm being lost lost lost in the giving. I know in my own life and I think everybody can apply to their own lives in different ways because everyone you know has their own journey, their own talents, their own challenges. But I know in my life I started to speak at a very very young age. You're not going to believe me when I say that my first public speech was at the age of five. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not exaggerating. It was a yeshiva that was having a dinner. I happened to be learning in that yeshiva and uh they were making a banquet and uh interesting a few months ago they made a banquet and they invited me to be the keynote speaker few months ago and I go into the hall I go into the room I'm like oh my god this is the room where I gave my first speech 5 years old 1977 or and uh I called my mother literally as I was going there I'm like how old was I when I gave that speech like 5 years and you didn't stop. So, uh, I'm still here. So, I got up at that dinner and I said, I just want to thank you because this was merely the first place I spoke. It was I was 5 years old. I said, I think over Arashi and apparently the accolades came in very nicely because I continued. But I do have to say, so yeah, there's a lot of good things probably came out of that. However, there's also another part of it and that is part of me felt that this is what I was created to do. So there was such a pressure that if it's not going to be done well, maybe my creation is purposeless, right? Because when I was born, they said why? Why? So uh I'm trying to answer that question. So if I give a beautiful speech and I get a standing ovation or at least a nice applause and just more than your Shakayak, you know, a dead from Ashkanazi Jews. It will it will no there's a big difference between our Ashkanaz and compliment you know like despite them whatever. So with all due respect to my Ashkanazic beloved brothers so there was a part that felt that if I'm not going to perform perfectly and impeccably and flawlessly who am I? And you know how much stress that is before you give a speech if anybody deals with it. Could be in other areas. Could be in the Shabbas that you're making. Could be the Shabas guest that you're having. Could be in another area of work or house or personal life. But that stress and of course there's no it's not possible to give a perfect speech. Which means after every speech, what do you think I was doing? I was finding the flaws and regurgitating. You ever regurgitate what you said and you could go for the next four days you reg I should have said D. And I remember I was once in Manhattan and I was invited to speak somewhere and there was a comedian that was also performing at that event and the comedian flopped completely. And you know when a comedian flops is different when a speaker flops a speaker flops okay everybody falls asleep and fine he finishes next like they're not expecting but when a comedian flops like nobody's laughing you know what that's like right it's like a real disaster and he was doing joke I was the only one who was getting his jokes so I was laughing but nobody else was laughing and I felt so bad for him. So when he we both came down from the stage, we were walking out. I looked at him and I was expecting him to be like, you know, downtrodden and and embarrassed and and I see that he's very actually he's he's very pleasant and he's present. And I said, I have a question to you. I mean, the performance up there was like, yeah, it flopped. He said I said, okay, so how are you like I said, you're not you're like not carrying it off stage. And he looked at me and he said something so wise. He said just because I flop on stage doesn't mean I should continue to flop off stage like okay like so on so it means like for the rest of my life I should just flop now like I come home I should be in a bad mood I can't do anything else it was a very very powerful perspective it took me a lot of years and inner work to be able to understand that it's the other way around the moment I'm speaking in order to impress somebody or to get their validation in order to feel that I have purpose and value. I can't even give people something authentic. It can look good on the outside, but it's coming from an internal place of kipa, which means an internal place of insecurity, a place in which I'm not one with the divine. It's not like the electrons, the electricity, like of course come take. It's not like the sun. The more the person gives from a deep internal space and I can share it with that from that space, I can actually give so much so much more. And the same is true with all of our relationships. That's the difference he's saying between giving from a place of holiness where there's natural flow of giving because you're not depleted because you're giving from a place of a very internal space of security and serenity and then you can give your full presence and when you need to create a boundary it's not with guilt because the giving is not from guilt. The boundary is not from guilt. It's actually coming from a space where I want to be able to give whatever God allows me to give through the conduit called me. So now I need a boundary because that conduit needs to do whatever he or she has to do. It's fine. It's good. And then when you're open, you could be completely open. Somebody who never knows how to say no also never knows how to say because my yeah is not coming from a desire to say yes. It's just coming because I'm frightened to say no. So even my yes is also really a no because it's just like do I really have a choice? Now I know we all have situations you know that are sometimes difficult and we go out of our comfort zones. Holiness is not afraid of going out of our com. Even when I go out of my comfort zone, it's not from a place of resentment. Really, I wanted to say no. I only said yes because I had no choice and now for the next week I resent you. And our friendship becomes compromised. It's not a real friendship anymore. That's the first major difference. So again, kaduca is rooted in essential confidence because it's attached to the source of life. So it has what to give from within. So therefore, it's not stingy with love because the more it gives, the more it gets. Like Abra's first meal that he gives the angels is milk. That's the first story of hospitality in the Ara feeds three guests and he gives them milk of why milk. So it says and others say because milk is the only physical item in this world that the more you give the more you get. Every other physical item if I give it to you I don't have it. A mother's milk the more she nurses the more it's replenished. If on the contrary if I stop giving if if the mother stops giving it's not replenished. So was teaching the source of real love. Real love, it doesn't deplete you. The more I give, the more I get replenished because it's coming from a very deep place. It's coming from a very, very rich place. It's not coming from a place of coercion and repression and guilt and negativity and insecurity and I just need everybody to say how perfect and amazing and and and and impeccable and flawless and wonderful I am. So in Khalipa where I'm coming from a place of coverups, I'm blocked from my own source of life. My giving is very very limited. I have to be it has to be limited. Either I'm doing it out of guilt or I just cut off. I become stingy. I have to become very selfish. It's like a trauma response. There's too much going on in me. I have to protect myself so much. In holiness, when I'm in flow, so when you're in flow, you're just part of the flow. You let the flow come through you. I don't have to own it. I don't take responsibility for it. I'm still doing the work. But now when I go to a class, I have a very much I have a much different attitude. I'm still working on it and if you thank me afterwards I won't sue you. Don't worry. But it's different. It's almost like Hashem I have this I hope I'll have this today to be your channel and whatever comes through let it come through. I just want to be in flow. It's not even it's not my information. I don't own it. Trust me I don't know what's going to come out at the end of the class. I know the source material is amazing, but like I want to be a channel and I'm a channel. Like you imagine the pipe would get exhausted every time water flows through it. All the pipes would shut down on you. That's what happened in my house. The beauty of a healthy pipe is I'm just a channel. Yeah. Send I mean hopefully I'm just a channel. When I don't own it, when I don't have to own it and I don't have to own the results, it's a much more freeing experience. So the moment in kipo it's like I plug the pipe and it's like it's my water. It's my water. That's what it does. It extricates itself from the oneness of Hashem. So now I need to take over. My ego needs to be in control. Which means if I'm insecure it's a disaster. In real kadoo I'm in flow. So there's giving and giving and giving. Right? Somebody once said in our generation there's such a focus on selfishness. All the technology is named with I. So you have an iPhone, iPhone, iPod, iPad. Finally, we have a game called Wii. It's spelled with two I's. So even the Wii is with two Y's because ultimately in Kipa, even when I'm giving, the focus is still I need that validation. I need that security. I need to feel good about myself. So it's very very limited. So the desert says I don't give. I don't have that. I need to take and take and take because when I don't really have any opportunity to take I have to take you see it also in marriages you know sometimes when a husband or a wife have a lot a lot of difficult struggles and a lot a lot of pain that they never dealt with they never resolved all they can need they need from their spouse is to give them give me compliments tell me nice things and the moment the wife or the husband can do that for whatever reason they're having a hard day they themselves are overwhelmed the other spouse doesn't know how to be there for them and their reason is very simple if I have a hole in my up right how much water do you have to pour for me to be able to feel I have water and the answer is nonstop nonstop literally my uncle once told me it was purim interesting story was purim 1966 and would have a big purim for in Brooklyn in 770 and when he finished he said whoever stretches out his hand on purim you give so he said whoever stretches out his hand he's going to give so he gave everybody and thousands of people at the he finished. It was like 3:00 in the morning and he went up to his room to go home. So more people came and they brought more wine or more mash and he continued to give to everybody. Later he went out to go to his car and more people came. This is the 60s of Crown Heights then was very very Jewish. This before the mass migration if you're familiar with the history of Brooklyn all the way from Bford Styver Bronzeville it was all very very Jewish. I mean the migration was beginning those years. So more people came and and went on the car to see what's going on. It was mis the four the four wheels of the car was for full depos. Anyway, my uncle told me that there was a ber who came with a cup and he went over to this was already like an hour or two after he was distributing and he asked for and the reb took a look at him and he said, "I think you got it already." He was like the first ones who got he noticed it. So he tells the he says yeah in my cup which means in Yiddish I had a hole in my cup. Yeah. Now everybody who knows cup means two things. Cup means a cup cu in Yiddish cup means cup I had. She said my cup you know an American kid I had a hole in my cup. So, uh, the Reb smiles and says, "If you have a hole in your cup, I'll give you a second time. It's going to spill out again." So, he said cup. I acquired a new cup. He says, "Ah, now I can give you." So, he gave him a second time. Of course, this was a metaphoric exchange. If I have a hole in my cup, cup as in cup psyche, you can pour and pour and pour and pour all night. It's not going to stay there because there's an essential wound. It's like a bottomless pit that you cannot fill. The only one who could fill it is my own connection with my source. Nobody could fill it for me. I could hire you 24/7 to tell me how gorgeous, handsome, brilliant, amazing, kind, generous, humorous, candid, deep, profound, awesome. Should I continue? I am. It's It's irrelevant because essentially I don't like myself. And when you really don't like yourself, trust me, you can get a thousand compliments in the world. It's ultimately irrelevant. It lasts, as Yba would say, Purim. It lasts for five minutes. Ooh, good question. Good question. She wants to know how we access that. I know. For survival mode. What do you mean? What do you mean? Explain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. If I'm in survival mode, I need to survive. Now, you want me to give? All I can do is I can give him a place of exhaustion, guilt, resentment, or desperation. And that's what it looks like. Most people in this class, okay, it's very easy to live from that place, right? It's very easy to live from that place because we fall into that. And we may have grown up in a deep way with that message, with that formation. So I just fall into it. And it may not be dramatic. It's not like somebody who, you know, suffered miserably and they were taught that they were wretched and worthless. Sometimes it's very very subtle. It's much more subtle than that. And as a result of that, yeah, when I'm in survival mode, all I could say is I need, I need, I need. How am I supposed to give? It's too much. It's too much. I need to survive. It's hard to survive. Let's face it. Real giving is only when I'm not in survival mode. When I'm in bliss mode. I just made up a word. But what does that even mean? That means only when I'm like the sun. When I'm like the electricity. When I'm aligned. When I'm in flow, when I could just let go. That shift is a critical critical shift in life because that shift is everything. It's between living with a closed heart or living with an open heart. I'm in flow. I'm a channel. I don't own what's coming through. I don't have to control it. And it's not exhausted. It's really not exhausting. I know before I give a class that I told you it's not going to be perfect. Of course, it's not going to be perfect. I say to myself and to God, I want to show up today with the tools that you gave me today and try to be a beautiful humble channel. Tomorrow you'll give me other tools. Okay, I'll have other tools. Will I make mistakes? Of course, I'll make mistakes. Did I make any mistakes yet? Say no. Say no. Say no. Okay, so I'm perfect. Okay, why? Why? Fine. When we start controlling things, it becomes miserable because then I have to it feels good when I'm successful. But people don't realize when you think you're in control of your successes, then you also have to be in control of your failures. And that becomes very very difficult. It's like when I'm on top of the world, great. It's all me me. But a few hours later, I'm not going to be on top of the world. And then it's also me me. When I'm in flow, I'm in flow. And sometimes the pipe goes this direction. Sometimes it goes this direction. Sometimes it's channeling information this way, information that way. So that's the first major difference between ducha and kipa. Ducha is free of giving because it's rooted in a source of infinite life and energy that's not depleted. Kipa always has to protect its energy. It's in survival mode because deep down it doesn't it's not a source of energy. It only hijacks energy because there's only one source of energy and therefore it's very stingy with what it gives. And even when it gives it's from resentment, desperation, insecurity, need for validation and therefore can only give a very minimal external part of itself. There's also another major difference is kadusha sees everybody and everything as one. Kipa sees everybody as separate. So in kadusha giving to you is as natural as giving to me. Says in chapter 32, how you're not me? Because in the place of a soul, in the place of real holiness, when I'm in flow with the source, we're all interconnected. It doesn't mean there's no boundaries. There's supposed to be boundaries. There's differences between every soul. My soul is has this mission. Your soul has this mission. But there's an essential space of oneness. Kipa is all about division. No, me versus you. It's me versus you. Because that's what kipa kipa means. I create a shell that obscures the fact that I'm part of oneness. I need it for me. If I need it for me, my ego is busy protecting my ego. It's not busy protecting your ego. It's busy using your ego to protect my ego. That's what it's good at. So giving is very conditional. It's transactional. When a marriage moves away from a kipa marriage to aa marriage, it's a very different type of relationship. But it takes a lot of security. If a husband and wife are in survival mode, they can't do this. He needs to survive. She needs to survive. It's very, very difficult. And you can't even blame anybody. These are natural responses of survival mode. I can give but I have to know how much I gave and did you take it and did you thank me did you not it's very complicated because I'm in a place of control and we understand people do that because if they didn't feel safe in giving they had to really hind behind a fortress and their giving is very very limited based on survival in a place of holiness where there is a sense of oneness. So then the relationship flows. It's just like a flow. Heart to heart. There can be vulnerability. There can be openness. There can be authenticity. Yeah. Oh. So that's the key says the balata. Everything in the world has a source. Everything. The electricity that we have now in this in this room 84 viola in the barn in the holy barn. It's not coming from nowhere. We shouldn't take it for, you know, we turn on a switch, the light goes on. didn't always work that way. It's not even just working like that. Somebody created it. There's wires and they go to a source and another source. Then you go to the Niagara Falls. Everything has a source. You know, we look at an apple. The apple didn't come from a vacuum. It comes from a tree which came from a seed which came from a previous tree which came from a previous seed thousands of years from the third day of creation. You know, children sometimes grow up, they think they came from nowhere, right? Even an egg didn't come from nowhere, right? What do they used to say? You were hatched. You think you were hatched. Even if you think you were hatched, the hatching didn't come from nowhere. Somebody caused that egg to be able to hatch. Mama sat for a good three weeks brooding on the egg in order for it to be able everything comes from a source. Kipa also has a source. Hashem created a source. What's the source that he created in the world of That's the Midbah. That's the desert. And that's why it's a place that doesn't naturally produce and give because again kipa is not in the mode of giving. It's in a mode always of receiving hijacking the energy for itself because it doesn't have that essential confidence of being in touch with a source of energy. So whatever it has it keeps for itself. And number two it creates division rather than oneness. The source of kipa is the midbar. source of kaduca's that means just like the electricity we have now is coming from the Niagara force ultimately coming from the electrons that God put into nature when I have a thought that is a reflection of oneness of bliss of me being in flow that's rooted in your that's coming from your when I have a thought or an instinct or a driver that's coming from kipa that's coming from the midbah so geographically the world is not just you look at the map there's different places in the world geographically every space is rooted in a different energy every geographical space that's why you go to certain places you feel certain things on one of the masters invited a guest for shabas and he didn't come home from dinging so he sent his son to bring him home from dinging and he saw that he's standing somewhere his mom was standing somewhere was in Kraka and he said why are you standing there said I don't know I can't tear myself away from this place and then he came home he said yeah the mug of Ram was one of the great sages in Poland. He lived there. So he literally felt the energy. He felt the energy. Bardich says something very very deep. It says when Yah Yeshua sent the two spies in the beginning of Yhua chapter 2, Yeshua sends two spies to spy out what's happening in Israel before they go in. Now this this was a risk because Yeshua remembered what happened with his colleagues 40 years before. But he sent two spies Khal and Pinas to go and they met Rakov the famous story with Rakov and they spent the night over there and gave helped them hide and then she helped them escape etc. So it says that he chose two miraes means death. What does it mean death? How do you you don't send two spies that can't hear anything. They got to hear. They have to pick up conversation. So Rashi says it means Yeshua told them make believe you're deaf. Make believe you hear nothing. So people will feel comfortable to talk in your presence. Which is also strange because when people see strangers and they're like I can't hear, right? It's like they say there was a Jewish kid and he was being drafted to the Russian army. So he went in and he forged a paper and he said that he's deaf and they started to ask him all these questions and he's like so finally after an hour the judge says okay you can go. So he gets up and goes. He says okay right if if you're going to faint deafness you know make sure it's worked out right. Lincoln said if you want to be a lawyer no problem but make sure you have a good memory. Yeah. If you want a life, find it. Make sure you got a good man because somebody's going to. So says, "What is this idea?" And you know what he says? He says something unbelievable. He says, "When people walk somewhere and they have certain thoughts and energy, people who come after them to the same space, if they're sensitive, they pick up on that energy. These spies were going in the same footsteps of the original spies. The original spies energy was one of fear, demoralization. Yhua knew that the new spies are going to absorb that energy. So he said, "Be deaf to that energy. You have to know what is somebody else's energy and what is your own energy. It's a very hard thing. Sometimes you go into right and for 3 days you're exhausted afterwards. You think it's your fault. No, you picked up a lot of energy. People who are sensitive, what are they called? Highest highly sensitive people, we have a few sitting in this class. I'm one of them. They pick up energy. They literally pick up energy. Other people, they just don't pick it up. It's fine. It's not a it's not good or bad. It's just a different condition. And sometimes you're picking up real energy. You go home. You blame yourself, of course, because Jews are good at that, especially sensitive people. It's all my fault. And it's very important to be able to say, "No, no, there was a lot of energy there. It may even be toxic energy." And you really have to be able to have that boundary to know who are you, who are you not. So Yeshua said, "Learn how to be deaf. Learn how to say that's their energy. It's not my energy. I can't afford to eat that up and absorb it because then I will become defined by it and you too will be overtaken by fear. So the same is true when so everything there's geographical energy in the midbar and says these 40 years 42 journeys was really every place it was a confrontation with another dimension of kipa why was it important because once they took on the source of kipa now everybody forever has a much easier time once you go to the source you know Iran we saw this with Iran. Iran had all of their isim around the world helping them. All of their all of their assistants to be their basically their servants to terrorize the Jewish people. So they had kamas in the southbala in the north in Yemen the Houthis all of these various various terror groups and armies and tribes to terrorize the Jewish people but they were the source. October 7th, the kamas came out. Thenaha, the Houthis. But Israel understood if you don't take out on Iran, that's the source. That's where the money is coming from. Obama gave them hundred billion dollars for for for a deal and their resources that they have. That's where the nuclear facilities are being created. And the nuclear facilities have one objective and one agenda like the first but not in one day, in one second. You got to go to the source. Going to the source is of a different magnitude. It's a different risk. And that's why I say I keep on saying this, people still don't appreciate the miracles that happened a few weeks ago in the war of Israel against Iran that broke out June 13th, 2025. Yian7 tinhe casualties, 24 Jews who were killed in Israel from the ballistic missiles. But do you see one of those missiles if it reaches a certain destination it could kill one missile could kill 50,000 people and they sent more than a thousand ballistic missiles. Incredible. Incredible. I was this past Friday night in I was eating right by the kisel and suddenly an alarm goes off in the middle of the meal. I never I mean I know it's from the news. I saw videos but I was never uh I never experienced it. And a little girl is running. She opens the door. I was eating and there's such fear as it. And I suddenly realized how real the trauma is. Here's a little girl desperately looking for a shelter. I don't know where her families were. She was desperate. A few seconds later, somebody was sitting outside and he said he saw the iron dome go up and destroy the the rocket which came from Yemen from the Houthis. This was mamish right near the harab right near the kisa literally a few minutes from me. You know these are serious things. This is even one missile. So when you speak about spiritual geography the midbar was the spiritual center of kipa. When the Jewish people took that on in the 42 journeys it was no small advent. There was no small experience. And that's why there was so many setbacks because whenever you confront real darkness, real kipa, there's casualties. The person themselves, they're going in to the front lines. Somebody sent me this morning something. I don't know if it was a message for me in some way, but everything is a message. Somebody sent this to me, I guess, from a book they read. You think becoming your best self will always feel powerful? It won't. Sometimes it will feel like dying. Growth isn't always pretty. It's not smooth. It's sometimes a breakdown because it's the death of your old self. Sometimes when you think you've gotten to where you want to be, you realize you still have so much further to go. And it's tough. Sometimes you feel lost. You question everything. Some days you'll win, some days you'll lose. But that's the price of ambition, transformation, expanding into your potential is painful. You have to tear down the walls of comfort, of your insecurities, of my comfort zones, where I could stay small, safe, and in control. Break the chains of what holds you back, and bet on your true self. It can be brutal, but it's glorious and worth it because on the other side of that death of the old you is who you really are, who you could be. And that's why the journeys in the Midbar are not simple journeys. They're filled filled with challenges. And every place has a different kipa energy that it it spewed and injected into the Jews like the snake into and that's what they were confronting and the bent says we all go through those journeys but the balata here is telling us that the one understanding we need to have is that because of that today me you you my soul is also in the skin of the snake I could go into a kipa mode I can go into survival I can be there my whole life I can operate from there And then yeah my giving is very very limited. I can only give from a place of desperation or of guilt or of terrible fear of resentment. I can only give my external self because I'm always in a place of defensiveness. That's what kipa is because it knows that it's not real. It doesn't have real energy. So it needs to hijack it. It's a place of division. Or I could choose that holiness. Either I go to midbari as my source or I go to as my source. That's why we pray towards your not just a memory thing because the B mikdash used to be there and we hope it's going to be there soon. It's because the physical the geographical source of all the holiness that comes into the world. It's somehow connected to your when you go into there was a Jew Rabbi Mayor Rabbis he once told me in the rest of the world people pursue meaning in Jerusalem meaning pursues you. Somebody once asked Rabbi Adinstein who lived in his whole life and he says, "How does it feel for you to walk on the stones of Jerusalem where our prophets and kings and sages walked and he looked and he said, "Why are you asking me how it feels for me to walk on the stones of Jerusalem? Why don't you ask the stones of Jerusalem what they feel about me walking on them?" Right? And he he captured it. He nailed it. That's the story. Now what do I feel? Ask the stones how they feel about me walking about them. You know, do I deserve am I a continuum of that process or I'm not. So as a result of this I choose do I go into the energy frequency flow of your or do I go into the energy frequency flow of the midbar. So all the work of the 42 mis was this work to subdue to take on the source of kipa. Wow that was big. But once you explode it, once you rupture that, that empowers every person throughout all of their generations that throughout the day when I am triggered by myself, by my spouse, by my children, by anything around me or inside of me and I could either go into survival mode, close my heart, give only from a place of guilt or challenge, stinginess, difficulty. I have to go into a place of division and selfishness to survive. Or I could say, "No, it feels that way, but there's another part of me that's aligned with your Shalam that's in flow and I want to tune into that space and I can hold space for both without judgment." I can only do that in my own little consciousness because they took on the core of it like they really took on the core of it and made that explosion in the score of the nuclear kipo. So now all the derivatives don't have that same intensity. He says if not for that there would be no way a person could prevail because they would have that titanic titanic energy and it's true that throughout history it becomes more and more and more like we sometimes look at ourselves you know we're just living in our times but it's not true our genes are not from our times they come from somebody called Adam they're very old which means we're continuing a story so as history continues we continue it's like it's like you build on the previous which is also true of on your there's no gutting anything. You just build on top and you build and build and build. You go down, you know, you go down a thousand years, you go down further, 2,000 years, you go down further, 4,000 years. The same is true with the psyche. You know, we build and build and build, but it's on top. And therefore, as we get closer throughout the journey of gullos, all the work of previous generations and all, it's all accumulated. It's not like your great-g grandandmother lived somewhere and lived her life and passed away and she's in Ganon. That's part of it, but it's all accumulative and we continue that journey. And just like we inherit things that are challenging and we have to work with and fix, they call it the cycle breakers, we also inherit and are bequeathed the tremendous opportunities and resources from all the generations of confronting kipa. So that when we do our work, we have power of thousands and thousands of years to be able to make that internal shift on a daily basis. So now you asked the question how do you do it? So we learned that these are the journeys. So now we'll understand you remember the beginning of the class. Okay. So here we come now to the last. Okay. So if you look at the sources you go one, two, three, four, five. Five lines from the bottom. Five lines from the bottom. In middle of the line, you see opraat five lines from the bottom of the source. In the middle of the line, the line starts. In middle of that line, there's three dots. Okay? Again, go to the last source of text above the picture. Five lines from the bottom. One, two, three, four, five. The line starts. Go to the middle of the line. You'll see three dots. We're holding by the word. For this you need mosha to write it down. Moshe wrote down what's their starting points is the journeys the starting points of their journeys. And these are their journeys with their starting points. What does this mean? This is the key. Mush engraved in every soul two things. Your starting point and then your journey. without knowing the starting point. The there's no way I can do the journey. What's the What's the starting point? Here's the key. The starting point is the source of every soul. The source from which a soul was honed, chiseled out. Like the says it's like the source of water which never dries up means dry or lies. When you have a a system of water, it can empty out. When you have a mim, it's a source of water. It's a living wellspring. You could take and take and take and take and take and it doesn't get depleted. You go to some of these old wells, people go to the mikvah lived in the 1500s. The water is still coming out. 500 years later people use it every day you know it's off theas in the east it's the Arabic there's David so they have this ever went to the spring that's where the would go to the mikvah they would take water for to pour on the every morning of sukus so I went there a little while ago before shabas you go in and you know it's like it's it's it's alive 2,000 years later the was destroyed almost 2,000 years ago but it's a Mahay the water doesn't stop. So mitzah is the source of water. It's not just where you bring the water you have a pool of water. It's you go back to the source is before you journey you have to know what's the source. Where do you come from? What's the starting point? The source of every soul is rooted in the master of the thought in the master of the will which preceded creation. From there he passes down a light, a glimmer so that they have the empowerment to be able to go up from below back up. Is where you came from the starting point where the soul comes from in order for you to be able to start going back up on the journey. So mitzah is a journey from top to bottom. Masa is a journey from bottom to top. One is mil you start above you come down and one is mil mata. You start below and you start going up. Masa what does masa mean? I'm in one place and I want to journey to a new place. There's an ambition for growth. I don't want to stay in this place. So recorded in each soul he engraved. He engraved in each soul a memory of the mitzah of the source so that now you should be able to go up from where you are. What does this mean in simple English? It means that the the the mechanism to do any of this work is I always have to be able to know that deep down in my core my soul is completely completely free completely uninhibited. It's true. I may have been trained by reasons beyond my knowledge and certainly beyond my choice to live in survival mode to live in that place. It's a very limited limited place. It's a coping mechanism. But that's not my mitzah. That's not my starting point. It developed in the various journeys of my 42 journeys. But the mites of an source is a place where the water never ends. The source of the he calls it is it's in the author of creation and hashem himself the soul is as says a piece of hashem which means that the soul essentially doesn't have any of these inhibitions it's not dominated by fear by insecurity by the need to people please not dominated by the need to control and get anybody's validation and for the ego to feel good. It doesn't need it. The reason it doesn't need it is not because it feels like a piece of garbage. On the contrary, because it's infinite, when it's truly infinite, the mitzah, it's completely free. It's uninhibited. It's relaxed. It's serene. It's full of curiosity. It's full of uh compassion. It's full of love. Naturally, it's also uninhibited. When somebody is in survival mode, they can't be curious. They can't be adventurous. They can't. every last resource they have they have to use on survival. It's like if you choke me. Yeah, you're choking me and then somebody says, "Relax. Let's meditate. Close your eyes. Feel where you are. Get comfortable on your chair. Take your meditation and do it in New Zealand. I need some oxygen. It makes sense. If there's a lion that comes into the room and I say, "Everybody relax. We're going to close our eyes and breathe." Rabbi W. You can breathe. We're getting out of here. We have to understand that psychologically this is how many of us live. My wife says something, but my 2-year-old psyche says there's a lion in the room. My child says something, somebody else something. There's fear. There's a there's there's a very deep instinctive response of survival. Now, you want me to be adventurous. You want me to be humorous? I don't find that funny. My definition of trauma is you're forced to take yourself seriously 24/7. I am so hypervigilant. I have to take myself seriously. Even if I'm making a joke, it's part of taking myself seriously. So that they people could call me funny. Really? Yeah. There's people that they work so hard for everyone to call them funny and relaxed. They are so tense about being relaxed. You ever met? They are so tense because they need people to say she's chilled. Really? How chilled is she? When you're really relaxed, you also know how not to be relaxed. Like, yeah, it's part of it. Regulation doesn't mean that nothing gets to me. Doesn't mean I'm a stoic statue. Regulation means that even when there's something disregulating, I could still look at it, monitor it, see it. I don't become part of it. There's that's always so mam is there's always that core self that has never ever ever ever ever been tarnished. It's non-negotiable. Nobody could tarnish it. Even the circumstances of life that shaped and molded and crafted every psyche and all of our neurons and neural pathways and all of our sematic experiences and instincts and drives to take on the shape that will make us feel safe in this world. That's part of the journey. It's not the mosh wrote wrote the whole but this is not just physical writing. This is something wrote engraved into every soul a memory a living memory of who you are at your core and at your essence and therefore you can begin the masa of going through this midbar from the bottom upwards because you know who you were in the beginning. So in a very practical mean method what that means is and this is the exercise that is giving us here whenever I'm find myself closing up closing my heart closing down whenever I find myself going into a fight flight for freeze response which are all normal responses in a world where I need to protect myself. I could see that. I can watch it. And then with compassion, I could say, "But let me speak to my m Ahab. Let me ask the core of my soul, is she fine?" And she'll tell you, "Oh, I'm perfect. I'm safe." You're actually in God's embrace. You're like in God's womb. That's where you come from. You're in a place of infinity. Doesn't mean that all the parts feel it. Some parts don't feel it. And the other part will say, "Stop lying. You're this is dangerous. Run. Run. Shut down." And we get that. We get that it's a midbar. It's a desert. Yeah. That's what how Khalipa operates. And if this is how I operated my whole life, anybody trying to trigger that, I go into that space, it's very hard to change these things. So it's always going back to going back to the source and then from there from there you could begin the journey upward because you have that source. You have that confidence that there's that space where you're energetically as pure as possible. You don't have to worry. That space is there. You know, we have these feelings of worthlessness and guilt and shame. All of that is never in the m. It's hard because the psyche is sometimes so used to these messages. Of course, I'm guilty. Of course, I'm bad. Of course, I'm evil. And it has a thousand stories to prove how guilty I am. And everybody has stories. Somebody once told me the definition of a Jew is that he feels guilty. And if not, he blames himself. I know one Jew who doesn't feel guilty and she's in therapy for not feeling guilty. The whole world is guilty. I'm the only one who's not. How? What a psychopath am I? Like some people think if you're not feeling guilty 24/7, you must be an unempathetic psychopath. Maybe it's the other way around. So it's hard because that message is so deep. But energetically, we can go into a deeper place. It's a choice to go into that deeper place with compassion for all the other parts. That's what Mosha records into every person. And he continues and here we go to the last three lines. Once you have now you could begin the journey from the desert upward. I may be stuck and clear, but I can begin the journey upward with this silent regulated alignment with the core of my soul. I could calm down the other parts and I could say let's now begin the journey upward the journey from the kipa from the midbar towards the promised land towards Jerusalem ali hashem he does this by the mouth of hashem alpashem this is important this is not a mistake some people say really so why am I dealing with it it's not a mistake the soul was given the resources in order to come in to a place of survival and still maintain its identity The moment a person knows that this is part of my mission, it's not my essential identity, it changes everything. If I think that I am essentially tarnished and filthy and contaminated, that's very tragic. But when I know it's a journey, it's a journey. The soul is so pure. It's so infinite. And it was sent into all these places to work them through. So working through these places is not easy. But it's al hashem. You didn't end up here because you're punished, because you're shameful, because you're guilty. You were sent. You weren't sold. You were like we spoke about Ysef. You weren't sold. You were sent. It's alpi Hashem. It's a whole different thing because then when I'm confronting these dark, this darkness, it's not from a place of how I'm so shameful. Why am I dealing with it? I'm dealing with it. Alp Hashem. Every step of the journey was guarded by God. Very nice. Ysef was sold not as s o l but sold as an s o u l e d. He was always connected with his soulfulness. So he was never just sold. He wasn't just a victim. And that makes all the difference. Alpem means every one of these journeys was ultimately guided by a specific divine providence that gives a person the empowerment to confront it in a different way. When I think back to Normandy, if a soldier ended up in Normandy and thought they were punished, why was I punished to be sent to Normandy, France, am I such a bad boy? No, you weren't punished. You were sent to defeat Hitler. It's not a punishment. But there's all these bombs and craziness and insanity and the stench of death. Not because you're bad, because you're an amazing soldier. The moment I stop identifying with my darkness as mine, I am the darkness. I am the skeleton. I am the demon which is so easy to go into because the energy of kip is so deep it like hijacks everything. What when does life really change? It changes the moment we can energetically make that distinction between the pure self and this the the places that the self goes to visit. Kipa doesn't want me to know that. Kipa wants me to think that I am the impurity. I am the problem always. Or the other way around. I'm perfect. I'm impeccable. I'm flawless. That's the opposite comfort zone. Everybody else has to work on themselves besides me. I got it figured out. Sometimes the worst the worst trauma is the trauma that I am so tra I told somebody the other day, sometimes the trauma is so deep in a person that it's so it works so well for them, it will deny ever that there's anything anything wrong because they can't even afford to do that. So, it's a very interesting thing. I know not everybody knows what that looks like, but it's a very very interesting phenomenon where I got it worked out so well. Uh it could be manifested as narcissism, but then it's pretty obvious, at least for people who are more sensitive. But sometimes it's manifested as as almost like I I I remain in a frozen mode. I don't let things get to me, and I can even be kind and do things ethically, but without anything really really getting to me. So I become like somewhat of a robot and h half of my heart is closed but I don't want to I will my system will not let me acknowledge that I'm very high functional and it's it's it's it's very very subtle. Huh? Miserably high functional but part of it is I will never use that word miserably. You're using it and the people around me if I listen to them I will see that they're not very happy with me. And that's usually how you could figure these things out from the feedback of the people who are closest to you. Like ask them what is it to live with me. Yeah. But be ready for what they're going to say. And uh and if it's like more than one person, there's quite a few people. That's why children are so helpful for growth because they usually say the truth. And when many of them have like a similar message, they're probably right. You know, with that first kid would say, "Yay, he had a hard time in yeshiva." The second one, yeah, he also had a hard time in yeshiva. When a few of them have this consistent pattern, it's like Tati, maybe it's time time to look inside. You know, mommy, maybe it's time to look inside. Like, maybe they're picking up something very real. But high functional sometimes becomes the greatest trap because when I'm high functioning, everything is good. I know how to function. I have a job. I'm making a living. I'm nice. I'm normal. There's no craziness. But deep down, I know there's something off. There's something miserable. and the people around it can feel it and sometimes give that feedback if I'm open to it. And sometimes the high functionality is what a person does in order to protect themselves because if I'm high functional I never have to open up the wound and it all makes sense. It's without any judgment. But what happens is there's no real real touching the texture of my life. I don't know who I am. I can't really give of myself. I don't I can't see myself. I can't see somebody else. I don't even know what that means. I learn how to be very very intellectual. how to be cerebral sometimes how to be very functional. I even know how to be nice. I know how to be nice. Huh? I like I also I'm also very objective. I I never become subjective. That's also a sign when somebody's always objective. It's like whoa. Wow. You don't have a heart. You're always objective. Like I become artificial intelligence. That's exactly what artificial intelligence is. Artificial intelligence means I'm amazingly intelligent, but it's artificial. Like somebody once said, you know, the people who have who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. I know the price of everything and everybody, but I'm not connected because to be connected exacts a price. To be connected, things have to get to me. They touch the fabric of my skin. They touch the texture of the heart. If my heart closed down, nothing touches that texture. It's all on the outside. And I become so high functional and I can even gain a tremendous reputation. But really, so much of me is shut down. I know because I used to be in that place. That's why I could speak about it so eloquently. By the way, I I know this space very very well. It's a very real kipa. It's a kipa because it doesn't look bad. It's not sinister. It's not abusive in that way, but it's dead. It's dead energy. It's not real energy. Like we all people do this in order to protect themselves. They don't do this because they're sinister. Yeah, I get it. I get it. Of course. Yeah. Yes. Yes. People, you always do this to protect them. It's usually, for my experience, not with ill intent. It becomes a disaster for the people around them. Everybody around them has to shut their hearts and doubt themselves. When you're in the presence of somebody so high functional, you start doubting yourself. I guess I'm crazy. That's why children who grow up with this have such a hard time because Tatia and Mommy are such good people. They were just honored by the dinner. Everybody says amazing. Whoever meets them in shows like wow your mother is the biggest sadist in Rockland County. Your father is like unbelievable. And these kids like deep down we're crazy. I guess we're crazy because a little kid won't say my father just shut down. You can't say that as a little kid. So you said I guess so you know how much inner doubt they have. They can't trust their emotions. This is so this has happened so often and it's it's very sad because everybody's trying hard. The father is actually trying to be a good person. He's trying to feed his kids and be responsible and be moral and he was told this is how you have to be have to have to have to. But he doesn't know his heart. She doesn't know her heart. And the kids start saying like why aren't we experiencing so much love towards our parents? We're probably very bad people. And they don't know that the heart was shut down many years ago many years ago. And everybody's doing the right thing, but they're artificial intelligence. There's no person there. There's no soul. This is where kipa really lives. That's what people think when they hear the word kipa. It's like you want to murder, you want to abuse. No, some people are that way. Not kipa doesn't necessarily mean sinister evil abuse. There's that, too. I'm not taking that away. But sometimes it's such subtle manipulation. It's literally I take my brain and I manipulate everything with my brain and it's all high function and looks good but deep down I am dead. My heart is dead. Somebody once told me something very intimate about themselves. They said that as they were growing up and doing a lot of emotional work, they realized that as children what they were begging and desperately what they needed was emotional connection. And what the people around them were giving them back was they said we can't give that to you but we can give you words and they had this like uh very visceral experience as they got older like as a child it's preverbal we're not into words we start speaking only later what a child gets from mommy or tati is the maternal gaze the paternal gaze it's a heart connection it's that inner inner security a child an infant knows when the mother is regulated and when the father is regulated they get that and they get that internal message of their own value and their own infinite dignity. So this person was saying later as an adult I was looking for an emotional heart and what I was being told was metaphorically is we can't give that to you. We can give you words to describe the heart and remember words to describe the heart are sometimes much more eloquent than the heart itself. The heart itself can get messy but the words are always perfect. So eloquence can be a tremendous mask for authenticity. So the kipa the way it lives in people is in so many different sophisticated ways and we must have a lot of compassion because this is usually a need of survival and the only way I can have and I could begin to confront this is through ma if I'm not rooted in a place of true freedom if I feel that I'm going to surrender to truth but at the end I won't die I'll start living I will never have the comfort to do this that's the deepest fear of real growth The deepest fear of real growth is I cannot afford to go through again an emotional death. And if I surrender to this truth, I'm going to die. That's why moa has to keep on writing into your soul. You're not going to die. You're going to start living. Your ego is going to die. Your fear, your insecurity is going to die. Your soul is going to start living. Ah, you'll be able to breathe. They're coming out of under a rock. Literally, imagine a person is under a rock for 55 years. literally and their whole view of the world is from under Iraq and they develop artificial intelligence could be under Iraq. They develop philosophies and perspectives and everything and then they come out of under they look wow there's a world emotionally literally that's what it feels like that's what it feels like and then we go back under the rock because we're pulled back so it's a constant effort so that's the alpashem knowing it's not a mistake it's not a mistake everything I have to confront don't feel bad in hashem you're not being punished it's ali hashem this is your journey the Jews confronted the kipa and the midbar You're confronting the kipa in your own life and when you subdue it, it's forever. You puncture the kipa of existence forever. And he adds one thing. He says means on top. It's above the mouth of hashem. The mouth of hem is the energy from which the world was created. By doing this work, you go above pashm. You take back everything to the source above the mouth of God on top of now you come to the last ones when he records it he begins with the top and from the top you go down into the journey for us it starts the other way around when we confront the world I don't right away feel the source of where I come from I'm often stuck in where I am. So we start with the masa we start with the journey from below going up up up back to so this is the paradox these are this is the duality the way it's recorded in our soul is you have to know who you really are and from there you come down and you begin the journey and it's all divinely orchestrated you're not bad you're not evil you're beautiful you're gorgeous you're amazing and it's your journey to break through the darkness and come to your light. That's but now for the journey to happen and for me to own it. It starts very differently. It starts of the opposite. I don't have an original vision exactly of my source. It's obscured. That's what kipa means. It's obscured. It's covered over. I begin with masam. I begin with the masa. I begin with the journey. I begin with discontentment. I begin with recognizing the pain. I begin with making space for the anxiety. I begin with holding room for the different thoughts and experiences and instincts and saying, "Wait, wow. I was just triggered. This is all my masa. What do I do with this? How do I get from there?" And then from there, you're going to come to mam. You're going to come to explore. You remove one blockage, another blockage, another blockage, and you come to explore your pure infinity. Have a beautiful, inspiring week. This class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net. Please help us continue the classes. Make even a small contribution at ww.theshiva.net/donate.