Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
What's the number one quality that is
necessary to have a good marriage, a
passionate marriage, a loving marriage?
Whenever I ask this question, most
people answer communication. If we have
good communication, we'll have a good
marriage. It's not true. There's no
conclusive research that shows that good
communication leads to good marriages.
And I'm sure you know couples that have
great communication
and have rotten marriages. And I'm sure
you know couples that don't have the
best of communication and certainly not
all the time and have loving, thriving
marriages. What is it that keeps
marriages going? I have one word for
you. Friendship.
Research shows that when you have
friendship with your spouse, you'll have
longevity in your
marriage. I think it's fascinating
because this reflects the Jewish
teaching, the prayer that we say at the
at the wedding ceremony. We bless the
bride and groom that they should have
shalom. They should have peace. They
should have friendship.
Friendship is what keeps couples
together. Where does friendship come
from? Friendship comes from knowing your
spouse. The better you know your spouse,
the better you're going to be connected
to your spouse, the better you're going
to be able to be better friends with
your
spouse. In the Torah where it discusses
the first act of intimacy, the first act
of deep marital
connection, Adam is described
as Adam knew Eve. The term that is used
in the Torah to describe his intimate
connection was his capacity to know her.
Because when you know somebody well in a
very deep way, you develop an intimate,
deep, inseparable friendship and
connection that thrives. The Torah then
instructs Adam and Eve to become one
flesh, to literally become one being.
Because when you get to know your
spouse, you get to literally become one.
When you get to know your spouse, they
are comfortable inviting you to be
vulnerable with them. And they're
comfortable being vulnerable with you.
This comes through knowing your spouse,
knowing what your spouse likes, knowing
what your spouse dislikes in a very
detailed way. Listen attentively. Pay
close attention to what your spouse
likes, but take it a step further.
Try to find out why your spouse likes
what he or she does. The moment you
discover something
particular that stands out and you
think, "Wow, he or she really
appreciates this." Whether it be a
particular love language, whether it
whatever it might be, a particular
activity, find out not only what, but
find out why. Ask your spouse, "Why does
this matter to you?" So ask out of
curiosity. Don't ask cynically. Why does
this matter to you? Why is this
important to you? What does it do for
you? Because now you're not just only
understanding what your spouse likes,
you're understanding why your spouse
likes it. You're undercovering that
deeper emotion, that deeper feeling,
which deepens the connection.
