Text-Based Tanya Class—Week #41

we are in the middle not only in the middle of a chapter but but in the middle of a very intense discussion right what's the intense discussion that we're in the middle of the joy of pain the joy of pain yeah well maybe or maybe even joy in spite of pain hashem brings pain to draw us close yeah yeah yeah uh yeah um there yeah so we were first of all let's make sure we understand why we're talking about joy it's not because we felt like we wanted to have a good time or anything it's because in order to serve hashem properly we have to be joyous because you can't serve hashem well you can't do anything well if you're in a foul mood so it's not like we're looking to be all uh jovial just for the heck of it we have a a duty in fact interesting practice uh two days ago i guess was shabbos and pashas kisaway that was the parsha that's where it said which actually is a verse that's brought earlier in this chapter uh where it says and i'll say the verse the way the arizal interprets it but that hashem says you're not allowed to not be happy like it's a mitzvah upstated in the affirmative you better be happy you're going to be happy we're going to have fun whether you like it or not like every good father says on a road trip you kids better enjoy yourselves but um yeah remember the context here joy is a duty joy is a moral obligation if we don't serve hashem with joy we're not going to serve hashem well now obviously there's the side benefit that it feels good to be joyous as opposed to melancholy but that that's not really the point here um it's not for us it's for him so we were trying to figure out what to do if there were certain things that were gonna uh threaten our joy certain buzz kills to put it uh ridiculously mildly where um buzzkill is a is a understatement a massive understatement what to do when we have real challenges and problems and pain in life so last class we discussed the tool of reframing that the altareba suggests and that is i won't go through it again but he suggests that you understand that these painful situations are coming from a higher source that means a more spiritually lofty source that doesn't translate well down here in the embodied realm it doesn't play in peoria and uh therefore we experience it as unpleasant but really it's loftier spiritual stuff and if we can appreciate that it doesn't make it less painful the pain is the pain but at least we can recontextualize it we can say well yeah it's a painful experience but it's painful precisely because it's coming from a loftier place which means it's connecting me more deeply with hashem and if and here's the big if if my priorities in life are closeness with hashem even more than i want to become of course i want to be comfortable i'm not crazy i'm not a masochist you know what the massachusetts said to the sadist hurt me you know what the sadist said to the masochist no so we're not masochists we don't want pain but obviously when it does happen when hashem chooses it for us i heard one time somebody say they say that when hashem tests you it means he knows that you can pass the test i wish hashem didn't have such a high opinion of me yeah yeah at any rate um so that was last week and just to finish it off i think we said we spoke about kirva selekin liteve what do i really want i want closeness to hashem what do i want a comfortable life or closeness to hashem well i would like both okay but what if you have to choose uh don't make me choose because i'll choose comfort okay what if it was chosen for you okay then i guess i could i could see the value in getting the closeness to hashem more than getting the comfortable life okay and that's really what it is if you make me choose there's no way i'm going to choose closeness closeness to hashem over comfort but if that's what was already chosen i can find meaning in the pain by realizing that it is the high price of admission to a more lofty experience not that i would go looking for it yeah forgive the question episodic pain like trials like ongoing stuff ongoing stuff that's just not going away yeah in his court or consistently yeah yeah sometimes hashem keeps us close for a real long time for year after year after year after year we don't choose the timeline yep yep at any rate okay no comfortable closeness comfortable closeness yeah well that's what we want our cake and eat it too that's what we we want when meshiach comes life's going to be comfortable and it's going to be closeness with hashem ready for that yeah yeah yeah yeah i think that's probably the most important thing here and that's what we're coming up to actually right right here when he says i'm gonna i'm going to read from the line i think that's where we got up to um the alchemy let's say and therefore um those who accept their pain lovingly will come to merit the experience of the sun coming out in its strength the sun will come out tomorrow right because no broad way no okay okay when lossy love a lossy lovey in the messianic future which isn't so far off messianic future can be no no i thought you're a lebovacher a messianic future means a second from now yes monday yeah this monday yeah the sun is going to come out of its shield and it's going to shine brightly obviously this is a metaphor well it could be literal as well but if it is literal then it's also symbolic of something spiritual dahinu in other words he is the hidden worlds will be revealed that's an oxymoron the hidden will be revealed what what makes it hidden if it's revealed and how can be revealed if it's hidden that's the paradox of meshich and it will shine especially brightly for those who um trusted in him during this period of reality those who took uh comfort in its shade those who appreciated the shade will appreciate the light and he says vidal vidal means wink wink is that the moon no it's the sun the moon has nothing to do with that no it's the sun those who are able to appreciate the shade are going to have an especially sunny experience the shade means the concealment yeah okay the shade means the concealment what is shade shade is the absence of the sunlight or the blockage the obscuration of the sunlight so those who are able to experience joy while in the shade are going to commensurately proportionately or even in a positively disproportionately in a greater way experience the revelation the shining light of revealed good when meshiach comes okay for those yes us who can't and who are still fighting and angry yeah so this is a mental exercise um this is this is a perspective it's a way of looking at things so what i would say is it's not a simple type of thing like an action where we say do this or do that where you get tangible quick results changing your perspective is like you remember those uh those uh optical illusions the like the ones we they tell you relax your eyes and the car will start floating you know what i'm talking about you look at this scribble scrabble and they say oh just relax your eyes and then the car will pop out and you'll you'll see a car floating in front of you know what i'm talking about you guys don't know what i'm talking about yeah okay so it takes a long time or sometimes it doesn't work or sometimes you're like oh this doesn't work for me or sometimes you get it to work and then it doesn't work again you know what i'm talking about the optical illusions right what are those things called specifically no not a kaleidoscope it's a flat two-dimensional image on a paper and it's got and you look at it and if you relax your eyes this three-dimensional image will float around you guys know what i'm talking about it's a specific type of optical illusion okay at any rate my point is i'm just using that as a spontaneous metaphor to describe how fleeting the process and how extended the process is of changing a perspective so you may have moments where you're like oh wow i get it i'm totally at peace with my pain and then you might totally lose that and then you may sort of get it back again um it's a perspective so please don't expect it to flip like a switch and then be permanently on you yeah is going through now that's a more complex question which i don't want to get into i'll give a five second answer which doesn't really answer your question but okay this is very deep but i don't want to spend more than five seconds on it i want to spend longer on the disclaimers than on the actual answer how you like that because i've already spent 15 seconds on the disclaimers the answer's five seconds the question was what about pain that you are feeling because someone you love is going through pain and my answer to that is please try to distinguish between the aspect of that which is your empathy for this person in which case we don't want to lose that we don't want to lose that sensitivity that sense of indignance and outrage on the ba on the behalf of an other and then what part of that pain is your direct sense of loss of control or of fear or disappointment or frustration and try to just give that up and say you know what this is a gift for me now it's not a gift for them because how can their suffering be a gift for me but my suffering can be a gift for me and you have to be really intelligent mature to distinguish because in one situation there could be multiple people affected and you have to sort of differentiate between how it's affecting them in which case the appropriate response is compassion and empathy and how it's affecting you in which case the ultimate ideal response is to lean into it and accept it and roll with it and see the closeness to hashem that comes from it our egos in order to serve herself okay extremely difficult okay every day it's also we learn a mitzvah a command from hashem to be the symbol yes we have to serve ourselves right that's the whole premise of this chapter we must serve hashem with joy not we can serve with joy we must serve with joy yeah yeah obviously hashem knows that you can yeah that that's an axiom he knows that we can yeah yeah so therefore we have to work hashem gives us all struggles right every day and you know i mean we look at our forefathers and we see that they did not have easy life and yet they were able to be the center and to surface we call them the wheels of the chariot right so we are aspiring to get there we're that i like the word aspiring yes yep right yeah yeah so that is our job here and it's an ongoing job and it's ongoing is also a good word yeah i would like to use a personal example if buddy doesn't mind but there's one thing that sticks out in my head when i went to peravalus when i went to that day that sticks in my mind because this woman was counseling everybody who was there was on such a level because she knew that this was completely from hashem and she was going to fight her hardest to overcome the depression and to get to the and for me that was one of the greatest lessons that i ever learned in my life beautiful now you're making me cry so if we we just surround ourselves with people like that we can get there yeah yep and thank god sometimes we we have to be that person for somebody else even if we're not that person all the time so sometimes i handle my pain rather well for the benefit of modeling it for someone else even if i'm not great at it at other times and we have to be we have to be grateful for that opportunity to be able to to teach yeah yeah yeah and none of us are perfect at this okay so that's how to deal with problems of what what he calls melee the alma problems of this world what about the other category of problems which are called mile milai deshmaya problems of heaven spiritual problems you understand the difference between the two categories problems of what he calls militants of this world are the stuff that happens to us to us yeah yeah that's a good way to say it um we didn't choose it hashem chose it so whatever it is whatever aspect of our life that it affects and he talks about three categories of family health and wealth but it happens to us then there's military which are spiritual issues those are moral choices that we made so that could also be a source of sadness a person can say i'm that's right i feel guilt shame right i i regret remorse and and he may even feel that he has a very strong compelling religious argument in defense of his negative feelings because he could say well what do you want me to do you want me to not care that i did a sin of course i should feel awful of course i should be disgusted with myself because uh i'm a moral person so that's why i feel so bad that i did i did something wrong yeah how do we reconcile things happening to us and the fact that nothing happens not even a blade of grass growth without hashem willing it well that's you know that's what we're saying that everything that happens to us is is providence yeah that's that's part of the point of what we're learning before but now i want to change gears we're not talking about that anymore we're talking about stuff we did stuff that we chose and you could also ask the same question too but i'm gonna pretend that i don't have an answer to that and that do not ask me about free will and uh providence because i don't want to talk about it today okay um let's just keep it focused here the idea is a new source of pain the pain of regret i feel that i did wrong things and um maybe i should maybe i deserve to feel awful maybe it's a it's the right thing for me to feel awful what do you think the answer to that is should i feel awful no i should not i should never feel awful you know why no because i'll tell you why who are you doing a favor to with you're feeling awful if the it's a heart are you doing a favor too that's true yeah you don't want to do him any favors because he's not going to do you a favor back um you think you're being so moral by feeling guilty about what you did wrong but actually you're going to cause more problems more moral problems by feeling bad we're going to describe it okay who says it's supposed to feel bad it's fun okay let's uh let's look inside here okay all right everyone's ready for however sadness regarding spiritual matters so we just spoke about sadness regarding matters of this world right at length yes and we gave we gave advice how to deal with sadness over matters of this world and we're not going back to that right and if you want to review it you can go online on soulwords.org paula very good where can you go soulwords.org where else youtube youtube yeah where else will it take you to the i think it just has a schedule of when the classes are i don't think you can actually watch classes there okay but now we're going to move on however sadness regarding spiritual matters you have to look for methods to get rid of it to be free of it we don't want to hold on to it when i get rid of it i don't even need to tell you that we're talking about getting rid of those negative feelings in the moment when you're actually serving hashem meaning you're davening let's say you're learning torah because everyone knows that you have to serve hashem joyfully but even while you're doing your mundane stuff you might think okay i get it while i'm dabbing while i'm learning toyota i shouldn't let that stuff uh get under my skin but what about i'm i'm i'm working i'm doing my job okay so maybe then i could let it get to me he says no if you know if you're in the middle of work you know middle mundane stuff driving carpool uh putting up a fence um whittling grocery shopping uh laundry dishes writing a novel whatever it is you're in the middle of mundane stuff i want you to know that if all of a sudden the middle of regular day-to-day stuff guilt boom jumps on you it is cold the tricks of the evil inclination yeah it's one of his fanciest moves i don't even know if it's fancy it's actually pretty simple but it's one of his patented effective moves why does he do it to throw you into to cast you into indulgences later on god forbid as is known he says canida as is known as is known as is known to anyone who knows human nature this is the cycle the vicious cycle the eight sahara comes yet zohar has a job what's his job throw you off track yeah throw you off track track of what serving hashem serving hashem very good okay so the the easy simple way for the it's hard to throw you off track comes up to you and says do something stupid that would ruin your life now sometimes that works one out of maybe a thousand times but usually when the it's a hudder says something like that you're like it's hard to get out of here no i don't want to ruin i'm not going to ruin my life today don't don't bother me so he doesn't do that most of the time but what he'll do is he'll come to you and he'll say hey remember that thing that you did that you're really uh embarrassed of and that you know that was wrong and yeah let's cringe about that right now and you're like hold on a second is this yate zahara well no no he because he's he wants me to do chuva he he wants me to uh do a moral inventory and look at wrongs that i've done no actually i think this voice is coming from a productive side he no this is good this is good okay fine let's do it let's do it let's think about bad things that we've done how bad that we feel about it and then what happens you feel pain nobody likes to feel pain so you want to go and numb your pain so what do you do well you look for something what do you say get the ice cream out of the freezer no joke right you get the ice cream out of the freezer um and by the way getting the ice cream out of the freezer is a relatively uh tame indulgence a regul a shot yeah yeah like but uh what happens is but the it's a hut is patient because once you're engaged in this cycle it spirals so what happens is so you indulge now the indulgence obviously doesn't make you feel uh good about yourself i mean you don't gain respect for yourself when you're behaving indulgently so now if you were feeling low about yourself a moment ago now you're feeling even lower about yourself and the pain is compounded okay how do i deal with the pain what do i do i need relief from the pain so you look for another distraction you look look for another dopamine hit and of course remember also because you're in the midst of thinking about how bad of a person you are it's not like your standards are that high so that's why i said the ice cream is a rather uh tame example because at least the person still has some level of of restraint if he's choosing ice cream but when he's really feeling bad about himself look what an awful person i am you see the kinds of things i do you see you see what a piece of garbage i am and the biggest proof is that thing that i did right and and then at the same time i'm feeling pain about it i don't want to feel pain i should have made us there's a survival mechanism in us that tries to immediately address pain now normally the survival mechanism of addressing pain is to get yourself out of a painful situation like if you're touching the hot stove so stop touching it right but in this case there's nowhere to go because the pain is actually a meditation that you're running in your brain so there's nowhere to run to to get safe it's not like um the the the survival mechanism that's telling you to get out of a dangerous situation in this case you're not in a situation you're actually generating mentally generating uh this pain uh and so you're in this painful state your opinion of yourself is really low i'm an awful person and i have proof of it i'm watching the slow-motion instant replay of how bad of a person i am and so but i'm in pain so then you go indulge and when you indulge you're not particularly choosy because after all i'm a low life anyway and then after you indulge in the indulgence obviously works for as long as it works to distract you but then after it wears off in a second or in a minute or in a day however long it takes then you're like oh no now i'm even worse than i thought i was now i mean even more pain now i even have a more acute need to numb myself what could i do what could i distract myself from and what can i distract myself with and it's a vicious cycle so that's why the the altar says very clearly just these few words he describes the guilt indulgence cycle he says that the if you're feeling in the middle of the day all of a sudden you're beset with some type of moral guilt he says that's a trick of the eight tohora to throw you into lustful indulgence afterwards as is known shimla kane and it gives you a logical proof because if not if this were not what were happening right now meaning if this were legitimate in any way as opposed to just a trick of the evil inclination where are these religious feelings of of of love and fear of god legitimate love and fear of god coming from the middle of the day they're not they're not this has nothing to do with god this has nothing to do with legitimate religious feelings of wanting to repair your relationship with hashem it is totally just the evil inclination undermining you in a way that uh is uh insidious because it's not look if the eta hudder comes and says let's do a sin so that's pretty clear what you know what his agenda is but here he's all dressed up in a cloak of piety and he says let's do chuva yeah but this is not juva this is self-sabotage so the altar says call it call it what it is identify it all right now he didn't tell us yet what to do about it but he did say don't give in to it all right let's keep going now here's the deal whether it happens to you while you're in the middle of dobbing and learning or you're in the middle of shopping and building a birdhouse and writing a symphony whatever it is it doesn't matter elibah here's what you should think in other words one piece of advice it doesn't matter when it happens remember he said if it happens while you're in the middle of davening and learning it's for sure inappropriate because you have to do diving and learning joy joyfully if it happens to you in the middle of mundane stuff that you got to deal with then you for sure know it's it's not legitimate because it's so out of the blue it's so inappropriate why is it coming to you now it's like this is not the time for it so either way it's not appropriate then you can ask well when is appropriate well he'll get to that i'm not allowed to feel contrition while i'm in the middle of dominating and learning because that's not the time for it i'm not allowed to feel contrition while i'm in the middle of dealing with my mundane day-to-day affairs because that's a tip-off that it's really not genuine right okay so then when am i allowed to deal with it we'll get to that okay um but here's here's the advice man this is not the time for genuine sad sadness and it's interesting here he uses a term atsos amita's there is such a thing as genuine sadness and it does have a place a very tiny place but there is such a thing okay a filo la dagasta venus even to worry about very serious evaders a person might argue hold on a second rabbit but hold on hold on hold on i wasn't worrying about small evaders i was worrying about big evaders so then if they're really big serious invaders then i'm allowed to worry and cry about it and be sad about it right now he says no no no no it does not matter if they're little sins they're big sins no do not do this right now this is not the time it's not going to be productive you need an appointment means a scheduled appointment set an appointment i'll tell you something wonderful about with yourself right yeah this is all internal yeah this is not like the dmv setting an appointment this is an internal appointment but i have found something wonderful about this uh and maybe this is the altodeva's intention although somehow i sense this is like a side benefit i feel like the setting the appointment thing gives you so much clarity because the reality is at least in my experience when you're feeling bad about something in the middle of nowhere at an inappropriate time and you set an appointment to deal with it it happens in my experience at least is that it happens i think probably nine times out of ten that when you set an appointment for it when you show up for the appointment that feeling doesn't want to show up anymore and then it right there it's so easy to identify it like aha so you were fake all along when you came to me said oh let's do chufa now you weren't really worried about chuva because if you were then you'd be here now at this appointment but no you only came to me to distract me to derail me to put me into the what we were calling earlier the guilt indulgence cycle so clearly your intentions i'm speaking to my own it's a hutter your intentions were not uh noble okay so set an appointment what is the appropriate time the time when your mind is settled lisben big doulas hashem to meditate on the greatness of hashem against whom you have sinned i think that's an important point also um when you do set the appointment at your quiet time he calls it the uh a propitious time with a settled mind which means quiet time doesn't mean when you're in the middle of the hubbub of activity in the middle of the day but you set a time usually the time for this is the bedtime shema that's a time for daily inventory yeah so if it's really important okay i'll see you tonight see you tonight at the bedtime schma and then what happens the guy's too tired he's like oh you know what i got i got busy with a few things i'm sorry i'm not going to make it i'm talking about your own year it's so hard that's what he says to you okay um you text him like i thought we were meeting at 11 30. it's 1 00 a.m i got busy okay so at this appointment what do you do he said to be to meditate in the greatness of hashem against whom you've sinned it's so important here and just these few little words this short little phrase this is so important you're not meditating on the greatness of the sin that you've sinned against god you're meditating on the greatness of god against whom you've sinned big difference big difference the point of this appointment is not to wallow in the humiliation or the vicarious thrill of reliving sometimes it's one or the other sometimes of both a little bit of both it's not about the slow motion replay of the sin it's really almost inconsequential what the sin was it's like what does it matter what you did the point is it was a betrayal of the relationship it's against whom you've done it it's not so much what you did it's against whom you've done it so you know does it matter you forgot your wife's birthday or you uh you made fun of her mother like there neither of those are very good things well which one's worse listen buddy if you're asking me already like which one is worse you're missing the point it's not what you've done it's against whom you've done it so he says think about at this appointment against whom you have sinned hashem and then to think about the great decision oh hashem is that great oh wow that is so sad that i allowed something anything to come in between me and hashem but again the point is not to to focus on the sin we're not trying to feed that and give that more mental focus or energy what we're trying to think about is the greatness of hashem and then that thing that we did okay yeah that thing that we did i didn't i don't want to do that but it's not because of the thing it's because i don't want to do anything that would disrupt the relationship yeah which is the stages that you then use to say okay i have remorse i did something bad i resolved not to do something like that again and etcetera etcetera right that's that's literally what it's about to say right here okay today you do this in order daisy that through this your heart should be legitimately broken as opposed to what we described before negative feelings that are not legitimate that are not productive but here is legitimate it is productive yeah i did something bad that interrupted my closeness with hashem again the emphasis is not that i did something bad and then that's it no i did something again that interrupted my closeness to hashem and that's what i regret i regret that i let something come between me and hashem and yes that does feel bad yes i legitimately feel bad about that comavora ace zuban the appropriate time for this is explained elsewhere like i said to you the bedtime shema is particularly a good time at the end of the day if you want to say even more specifically thursday night bedtime shema because not just the end of the day it's the end of the week thursday night is the last week day of the week okay and there in those other sources that explain this explain also kimiyad that immediately after you feel the legitimate genuine sense of brokenheartedness at your appointment as i then immediately after yasser at malibu the broken-hearted feeling the sadness will immediately leave if it doesn't go away when you're finished with the process it wasn't the right process the whole point of this process is to culminate in relief if it doesn't culminate in relief then it wasn't chiva it was self-flagellation it was indulgent masochistic fantasy it was some type of religious themed punishment yeah i just wonder like there's certain of errors that we do that are very clearly available yeah okay so that's a very good question the question is all right there are things that are easier to identify i'm going to change your words a little bit but tell me if i'm making it more accurate or i'm obfuscating i think i'm making it more accurate there are things that are easier to identify because they're behaviors i did this i can pinpoint it it happened at this time in this place i can tell you what the action was and then there are other things which you refer to as midis that are more intangible it's a character trait it's like a way that i am um and it manifests in different behaviors right but it's much harder to put a finger on because it's more of a it's more intangible than uh than a physical act okay so that's a very good question that is actually going to be dealt with in the next chapter chapter 27. we're going to talk about the the distinction he doesn't use these words but i find these words helpful the distinction between guilt and shame guilt is feeling bad about what i've done shame is feeling bad about who i am so here we're talking about guilt i feel bad about something i've specifically done now regarding feeling bad about my nature and the types of things that i gravitate towards and my my moral weaknesses of a of a more internal nature that's going to be discussed in chapter 27 okay so at any rate he says this appointment is going to end with relief at the end of it you should be relieved you should believe with complete faith removed his sin and that hashem is abundant to forgive not just hashem is forgiving but he's abundantly forgiving that means there is no limit he doesn't say you again come what didn't we do this already no ravli slayer means he is infinite and just as he is infinite his capacity for forgiveness is infinite it's not like somebody a human being who's going to get tired and you're going to deplete his capacity for forgiveness hashem cannot be depleted and this is the true joy in hashem that comes after the legitimate sadness that we mentioned earlier at the beginning of the chapter if you remember we said that there is a place remember we we questioned how king solomon the wisest of all men could say look at uh myself that there's an advantage to sadness and we said well it means a particular type of sentence legitimate sadness or i called it productive sadness and what is that legitimate slash productive sadness this type of sadness which always culminates in relief that is predicated upon our our our fundamental faith that hashem is abundantly forgiving so this is legitimate sadness and it and it ends up having an advance an advantage means you come out ahead moisture is the word that that uh shlaim america uses king solomon and it means you come out ahead you come up with a prophet meaning not just um i broke even then then what you do it for this means you come out ahead in other words at the end of a legitimate appointment a real appointment you're going to come out with greater joy than you went in with not just because oh i had this guilt that was weighing heavily on my heart and now i've removed it okay then that would mean you're just a zero-sum game you're just back where you started before you started feeling that guilt this is actually come out with greater joy because you have that joy of feeling embraced by hashem that he is able to accept you and uh to deal with you and not just to deal with you but that hashem wants you he wants a relationship with you so that should create an even greater sense of joy even then you had lost in the first place okay it's the after yom kippur feeling which you can have every night if you need it by the way a person who catches on to that has to be told call me there's a saying of our sages anyone who purposely sins and says ah it's okay i'll do chuva later it's not going to be easy to do juva so so this explains there's a deeper level of that that saying the simple levels like i just said it that if a person is cavalier about sin because he knows he could always repent later it's not going to be so easy to repent but sid this explains a deeper level someone who learns what we just learned and he's like whoa hold on a second let's fight in order to make up what i'll do is i'll sin so i can do the chuva and get even closer to hashem no no call me speaking of anyone who purposely sins in order what it's not sincere right because it's premeditated right so see this is it's not going to work out don't don't don't do it yeah anything that comes back don't play around yeah but i mean in an ideal world yes we make an appointment but let's say realistically okay we're not i'm not there we're you know the evenings sometimes don't panic when you say that's right but sometimes it's like okay so then at the very least if you can't make an appointment then at the very least don't be open to the robo calls all day long right but isn't it better to to at least cognitively do chuva no no no it's like answering a robocall but you recognize but it's not real he says it's not it's a robo call we we're calling we have important information to you about your car warranty what did they say yeah yeah we're trying we've been trying to reach you about your extended warranty that if you're in the middle of the day and you have a pang of guilt that is nothing other than we've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty do not say oh well maybe there could be something productive about this conversation no nothing productive is going to come of this conversation and you tell oh very good you know what if this is legitimate i'll see you tonight you know what if you can't make it tonight fine you can't make it tonight but at least don't get pulled in to the to the scammers when we do tuba sometimes it comes up again because it wasn't maybe complete or you're a different person okay yes yeah he speaks about that in later chapters yes so that's that's you're asking a question about the fact sometimes we can revisit something and do chovan a deeper level um so you're saying you never really settle it yeah okay he does speak about that in a later chapter but even then you have to have a set time for it if it starts dogging you throughout your day it's not coming from a good place and it's not going to lead to anything productive so how do you person what does that mean it's a person if someone brings something to your attention or something someone reminds me if someone brings something to your attention then you thank them and then you figure out at your appointment if it's legitimate or not sometimes they're just harassing you sometimes they're pointing out something legitimate yeah what if you don't think you're so bad okay it's a good thing that's fine look this chapter is not about trying to find problems this chapter is to not allow you hear me this chapter is not about finding things to do chuva about that's not the point of this chapter the point of this chapter is if you have an internal voice that's telling you hey you better do chuva how to respond in a healthy way to that voice