Text-Based Tanya Class—Week #4

great all right welcome to uh was this the third fourth class what what week is this third okay so we're starting chapter one now yeah P alif who finished theet the compilers forward so just to uh just to catch everybody up based on the compilers forward this is not like a really thorough test over here just I just want to make sure we have the bottom line before we move on based on the compilers forward which was written by the compiler which is the AL the balat um what is you know different books have different purposes or functions what's the purpose of this book do you remember it's a manual it's a manual how to how to yeah and in a way it's uh it's not a it's not a new type of uh relationship the the the relationship already has a model it just the Innovation is that it's being done in a book form for the first time seemingly it seems uh it's being done for the first time as a book but what the the this book is simulating or replicating what what type type of relationship remember specifically in the context right is the one-on-one meeting or audience with a Reb okay so think about it this way then imagine per Al chapter one you're going into your first one of the problems we have when we teach Tanya is that um a lot of the radical concepts in Tanya have become ubiquitous to the extent where the of the AL is taken for granted when you have when you have something that is um that transforms the landscape and it becomes sort of baked into the world view and then you retroactively look at it or you study it sometimes take it for granted that it's doing anything Innovative so what I want to try to especially the people who have the worst problem are leiters because before they learned Tanya the first time let alone the first serious approach as adults they've already heard these ideas over and over and over again so they don't even appreciate What's Happening Here in Tanya and if you don't get the Innovation if you don't get the the the if you don't understand something radical is happening here obviously um well one one very obvious effect is that it fails to engage you because you're yeah yeah go on I know I know I know I know what do you mean you know you only know because the Al wrote it 200 years ago and then people repeated it and who repeated it who repeated it until you heard it long before you ever seriously started studying T but what I'm going to try to do as best as I can is simulate the experence erience that you would have had going in blind even though it's actually impossible to do that so if if you have any uh preconceived notions that are actually based on Tanya I'm going to try to strip those from you and pretend you're going in without that so you're going into Tanya and what are you what are you looking for why you why are you going into with ADV you want advice okay advice for personal something it's something personal yeah more what life uh yeah but more specifically how to Ser how to serve AEM yeah yeah he says very clearly in the compilers forward that this is for people who are searching how to serve Hashem so this is for religious advice okay and that's why like I said last week where in Tanya is he going to make philosophical arguments to uh compel you to believe in God nowhere nowhere because that's not the point of the book because because the point of the book is you're coming in you're saying I do believe and I am experiencing frustration and failure and I need a better method than whatever I've been doing so imagine yourself now you're trying to serve Hashem and probably there not that much of a far-fetched fantasy because all of us on some level you know we're trying to serve Hashem and on some level are not living up to our goals 100% so we come in and the first thing that's bothering us you have to really really really put yourself into that mind State the first thing that's bothering us is what's wrong with me I I know what I believe I know what I value and then I look at how I live and it's not always consistent with that so I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me you know it's interesting this week at least in our class it's PES which is uh means Offspring The Descendants so the descendants of uh we're talking about about a had gave birth to or begat I guess that's the fancy word y y was a son of a and uh then yit married Rifka and then Rifka was pregnant and she had twins so um you know she had a difficult pregnancy and she had daved for this pregnancy because she was barren and then after she was having difficult pre pregnancy she went to the prophet in her time who was shame the son of Noak and she asked like what's going on you know I Davin so much for this and now it's so painful and he told her that there are two uh you you have twins you're pregnant with uh with with two children and that's the simple story The the deeper explanation not that deep I mean it's still shra it's still the literal concrete simple explanation but filling in the the details is that like Rashi says he brings from uh from our from from our sages that when she would walk by a base of aazar an idolatrous Temple she would feel the the fetus stirring within her trying to get out and to join the idolatry and then she would walk by the Yeshiva of sham a a holy place and she would feel the fetus stirring to get out so she was uh uh that that was that was the pain that she was feeling in other words she was feeling uh she was feeling this this uh what do you call it the prenatal uh moral struggle where at least according to her knowledge at the time she had this child who was compelled to both worship idols and study Torah and she went to the prophet and he told her you're pregnant with twins and she was relieved why was she relieved she just found out one of her kids is the good one one of her kids is the bad one doesn't say any of this in Tanya by the way I'm just giving you this as a background to T no doesn't say this in it's actually from the the bat explains this until then she thought that she has one child who's very confused then she found out no no no you have two babies one has this nature the other has that nature and as far as the one having a negative nature so we'll Channel it we'll work on it we'll try to sublimate it but the point is it's not one child who's confused it's two children who have very clear distinct personalities so the great relief that we learn in chapter one of Tanya is the the idea of theas of the two Souls which is a concept from lanic cabala from raim vital who was the chief disciple and Scribe of the Aral and uh basically that's a relief because once we realize that there are two Souls now we can sort of compartmentalize the conflict we're having we're not wishy-washy we're not vacillating it's not that we are constantly uh changing our mind no actually there are two forces within us which are both rather consistent in their Agenda One is interested in what it's interested in and we'll learn about what it's interested in and the other is interested in something quite different we'll learn about what that is the point is just finding out that the nature of my condition is such that the conflict I'm experiencing is not inconsistency but rather it is complexity it you understand my personality is not so simple It's a combination of two forces which are diametrically opposed in many ways so that itself is a great relief in chapter one there's a whole discussion which is a rather legalistic discussion about these terms sad rash and which he does not really Define in chapter one at all he creates a question through like talmudic dialectic he creates a question about what indeed is a b how do you categorize it it's a talm term I can translate those words but the translations are meaningless in our context righteous is tadic tadic is right rasha's Wicked B is intermediate in between so we he asks us to search for a working definition of this term called bany and then he begins to answer that question by saying hey surprise you're pregnant with twins he doesn't tell us what ban means but he says it has something to do with the fact that you are pregnant with twins what I mean metaphorically that you have two Souls you have two drives which are very very very very uh different in their agenda and their goal and their in their modus saand okay so basically that's chapter one I gave you the the heads up so you could anticipate the flow and understand what's happening okay you're coming into you're coming into the first you're coming to T first of T you are distraught about your inconsistency and basically the AL says there's something called that's going to be coming important later but it has something to do with the fact that you are pregnant with twins you have again pregnant with twins is not a term that the AL uses in Tanya but he says you you have two you have two Souls it's a basic concept from from the from the Aral you have two souls and they're they're opposing each other and that hence the inconsistency that you experience okay how we doing so far so good okay so you want to see inside yeah okay let's see I don't know if we'll finish htic in in one class this is last time we learned we did we went very quickly I'm not going as quickly this time but I'm still going quickly and uh hence I want to I want to give you a heads up like who asked last week what does Tanya mean why is it called Tanya okay so I personally I don't care why it's called Tanya you know why because it's a manual and you to see the the problem with Tanya is it's a manual that every single word can be taught well really infinitely so what happens is and this is really the curse of labers who learned Tanya in school they can tell you what every word means but they don't know what the chapter does so it's like if each chapter is a step and a set of instructions what's more important to know how to explain that you could when when it says you could read with a shin or with a sin anyone bka knows the shin or the sin okay how much does that help you all right right okay so to me that's like second third fourth time around learning Tanya but since somebody asked you I'll give you a very just to Tanya is the letters ason ason means strength T yeah the anagram for Tanya a which means strength yeah that's right that's what I said oh I'm sorry I thought you said something okay yeah that's what I said the letters of instead of a yeah sorry yeah Tanya is asan which means strength and Tanya is revealing the strength of the Soul okay but I I'm this is the last time I'm going to do stuff like that I'm not into that but I I'm looking at these letters and I see 10 Hashem and this is a manual this is like I know that's your that's incredible we have aish in this we have that with the words with the letters I see so you you you're getting 10 give yud Alf but you but hashem's name is y he one hasem oh one Hashem Olive okay all right we made it work we made it work have another piece of cougal you know that one the coule is cou batri shabas really well hold on a second coule 106 and 3 it's 109 and a ion so that's uh a 7179 with a lamid 209 so cougle's 209 shabas is 702 so how is cougle yeah so he says eat another piece of K 702 calories okay anyway so but I'm not going to do these details I'm not going to go into the details because what's going to happen is if we go into the details um we're going to know the trees but not the forest so I I want to know the forest not the well it's not that I don't want to know the trees the trees are wonderful but okay anyways roll with it roll with it okay all right all right let's go inside let's learn okay so we learned I mean if you really wanted me to do this like the real like way that you know I would I would mention to you that in the end of chapter three of Nida where it says this teaching it doesn't even say Tanya over there it says Tanya here as if it's quoting the gamar saying Tanya but the gamar there doesn't even say Tanya it says yeah so the AL purposely put in the word t for a reason but I don't want to teach it like that okay so it says in the end of chapter three of that say they give him an oath who's they the Heavenly Court who's him the soul the Heavenly Court gives the soul an oath when you want to guess before it comes down yeah be a and don't be a want to translate the words we can translate the words be righteous and don't be Wicked even if the whole world tells you you're aad be in your own eyes like a okay so that was the oath be righteous don't be Wicked and even if the whole world says hey you did it you're righteous no don't believe that okay all right fine we have to understand it says do not be in your own eyes in your own estimation so this this gar says that you should think even if people tell you you're a you should think of yourself Asha P says you should not think of yourself as a Rasha what's up with that we in other words we have a contradiction between two texts between two sources and also it's not just that it's a contradiction between two texts there's a logical problem here you know what's going to happen if you are in your eyes as a Russia if you see yourself as a r as a wicked person you're going to feel bad you're going to be you're going to feel sad and what will happen you won't be able to serve Hashem with joy and gladness of heart and he's not even saying this theoretically I mean remember we're talking to somebody who's probably already been through this who's already asked himself this question like am I a bad person I don't know look what I just did here's what I thought I believed here's what I thought my standards were and then you look and you see I didn't live up to it so what am I am I a bad person and and you want me to believe I'm a bad person see now I'm forced to choose do I change my standards or do I or do I change my identity if you want me to tell I'll tell you that I've lowered my standards so that I can you know move move the goalposts so that I can continue to consider myself a good person I can do that but I I I I don't want to I don't want to give up my standards I don't want to lie to myself about what's right on the other hand if you want me to keep my standards then I have to admit that I'm not living up to my standards and now my identity is that of an of a person who's a failure a moral failure and so I'm left feeling bad about myself so all right maybe then I just won't care maybe I'll say you know what I don't live up to my standards that's fine I'm not going to let it bother me so he continues he says but if he's not bothered At All by the fact that he's not living up to his standards he could God forbid come to being flippant irreverent meaning you won't even care anymore and this is really the conflict that that Tanya begins with it's like there's there's there's the ideal and then there's the reality and they're not matching up and I'm not sure which way to to adjust in order to move forward should I just accept the fact that I'm a sinner and I always be one then I'll always come up short that doesn't feel good and then that's going to get to me and then ultimately that's going to derail me from my service of Hashem so I can't see how that's going to work out well all right fine so maybe I'll go to The Other Extreme maybe I'll say eh who cares it's fine don't worry don't take it so seriously yeah but then I see where that's going to head that's not that's not uh going to lead to very good places so I'm sort of stuck with how do I how do I be real with myself how do I be emotionally honest and also be principled and that's it's causing me a lot of grief so understand that when I come into my first Yus that's really my problem I'm a principled person I'm a Believer and I have a lot of frustration with myself and I've tried different ways of dealing with that frustration caring more caring less neither of them are working you understanding what's going on here however here's the concept and when he says here's the concept this is not like a fast answer remember I told you on the title page this is the long short way so he says the answer is you have to know there's something called but he doesn't even Define yet he won't for many many chapters he's going to talk about t he's going to raise a bunch of questions about it and he's then he's going to say but T you can only understand by understanding the two souls and then we're going to get a little bit of an an idea about the two Souls but even that not really so this is a very long answer a very long answer at the rate that we're and I'm going fast it'll probably take us a couple of months at least to understand the answer but I want you to just try to connect with the problem so you can keep that feeling with you so you can check back in with it as we're learning and feel if Clarity is is is coming to you okay so the feeling is in our first this this confusion about our own inconsistencies about how we should look at look at ourselves what's our identity and he says well first thing I want to do is I want to talk about this this concept called now these are not original tat these are T terms so he going to raise a bunch of questions about the term let let's look at this we find in the in the tal five categories right this is not original to to the we find in the G five categories we said but it's more a little bit more complex than that because there are subcategories sadic who it is good for him or he has good to him there are two ways of Translating that aad who has bad Wicked person who has bad good and a wicked person who has bad and then the middle category so you have Tad R but then you have two subcategories of tadic and Russia so you have two two and and one which is five following okay and I'm not going to get into the original context this is a conversation between m andem it's a question about why the good people suffer means aad who has good in life his experience of life is Pleasant doesn't suffer he's good but bad things happen to him because one of the explanations as as we're about to explain is that and this is not the explanation for why the bad things happen to good people this is not the alas Point here so please do not get uh off track thinking about that philosophical question right now but in the in the context of the original tmic discussion one of the ways of explaining is what he's about to say is aad who internally is complete in his righteousness tadak who's internally incomplete in his righteousness and therefore if he's complete inside then he experiences things good around him and if he's incomplete Insight then he'll experience negative things around him but again this is not a time and place to discuss why the bad things happen to good people the the only the only thing that's pertinent right now for this discussion is the fact that these categories exist these terms exist and um and we're going to try to understand them better in terms of again not the philosophical question about why the bad things happen to good people even though that's the original context in the gamor but more about what is the internal experience of each of these personi how do they experience moral conflict or the act thereof okay so you have uh these five categories fine and then the explains thead who has good or experiences good is called a complete who has bad or experiences bad is an incomplete all right so let's let's let that be the working definition now because now let's forget about the philosophical question and just say there's a or who is completely aad through and through and there's aad who's not completely aad through and through now in the there's a section of called what's he has in him he has his own evil streak but it is subjugated to the good it's completely under control back to the qu who theim there are people for whom their good inclination is their is a judge meaning the one who issues decrees so sadik are ones who the only voice that's issuing Behavior decrees do this do that is the they have the dictating what they should do but with B the intermediate they have both voices like the Disney uh you know with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder says or said the Great you want to know what a ban is I am an I am an example someone like me is a ban said to him said you're not allowing us to live if you are we all know how perfect you are you're the ban that doesn't bode well for the rest of us by implication the rest of us are wicked so to understand all this very well right I want to understand what is aad what's a r what's a why did Raba say that he's a b we know how perfectly he lived and he's calling himself a b so to understand all of this and also to understand another thing something that job said not in the Book of Job it's not in but in specifically where is it impress me that you guys know how to use the internal citations where does job speak to God a dial in the oral tradition where does it happen impress me that you know how to use internal citations impress me that you know how to read where does it happen what what where does job have a discussion with God in the oral tradition okay so I I want to encourage everyone to okay to understand something the AL uses a lot of sources um they're right there it's right there on the page all you have to do is read the next word p yeah okay of what gamar good guess starts with the bass Basra very good we have here very good so yeah very good excellent guys are good so in this dialogue job says again we're not getting into theoy and any of it's that's not the point here he says Master of the world but also Master of the world you created righteous people you created Wicked people and raises a contradiction but hold on we know from another source Tamar source that when a child is born it's decreed strong or weak rich or poor but righteous and wicked are not decreed because those are completely up to free choice strong or weak rich or poor these are things that are predetermined this is your destiny righteous or Wicked you think that's predetermined isn't that predetermined it's just a matter of how far you have to fight whatever your evil inclination is whether you're Tad or Russ specifically some people by Nature I don't know any of this all all I know is the gamar says very clearly that sadic and Rasha are not part of the predetermined package yeah Rich or poor you say is predetermined that yes you can relax and stop working so hard well what do we pray for on isn't that part of what we pray for I don't know too many details it's not the point anyways guys are you going to thank me for one thing I'm not going to allow us to have interesting side conversations okay because remember the the alab has got all these gamas out on the table now and and a and a zya out on the table and and trust me it's so easy to get off track let's stay on track we're trying to understand what is rash we're also trying to understand why I job said in this dialogue with Hashem that's recorded in the oral tradition he said Master of the world you created tadim you created hold on we know elsewhere gor it says that sadik and Russia are not predetermined so how did job say you created sadik you should say you created a bunch of people who get to choose whether they will be a sadic or a Russia from the wording that job uses it sounds like some people were created to have one moral Persona and the other people are just that how they they were created that they're going to be Wicked which seems to uh contradict the the whole concept of free choice yeah you're clear on this please don't you're not clear because you're thinking too you're too smart you're too you I'm telling you cuz you're getting Sidetrack you're thinking too deeply the very simple question is much simpler trust me it's simpler it's not that it's too high of a question it's just you got to okay turn off all the interesting like synapses that are firing right now in the associations it's very simple thing I just want to know one thing is your being a sad or Russia is that predetermined or not there's one source in gumar that clearly says that it's not predetermined because it's left to free choice and yet there's a when you're first you're saying predetermined is that before birth is that before birth before birth before birth don't don't come to me with the rash I already told you we're not getting into that so I shouldn't call R what between now and rash we'll have that discussion okay don't worry about the sh right now okay okay because we got another question we got to bring up I want to understand what is aain like what is it really cuz I'll tell you one thing I I'm I'm sure it's not somebody might say in between guy is a guy do 50% Mitzvah 50% sins can't be that can't be the definition because if so how did RAB who was perfect mistaken himself for a we know he didn't ever stopped learning to to the point where the angel of death wanted to come get him and he couldn't the angel of death couldn't take him because he was constantly learning to you think he really was mistaken to that degree that where he never did one sin in his whole life he thought well maybe I do half sins maybe I'm 50% sinful so and yet he thought he was abing so then how did he think he was obing obviously he wasn't but there was a a reason where he could have at least thought he was a b so I want to know B must mean something different than what I think it means otherwise how did Raba even consider the possibility that he was abandoning okay I don't know what abandoning means furthermore I know from the that a person who sins at the moment he SS he's called to complete the Russ and after he does CH he's called a so when he SS he's a complete he's completely Wicked when he does chuva he's completely righteous so then when is he abing I don't know I'm and I don't want you to try to answer these questions are to spark a discussion you want to know something it doesn't even matter if it's a small infraction meaning the person violated some Rabbi decree at the moment he's sinning he's called wicked voice in fact not only person who does an infraction is called wicked but a person who doesn't object to somebody else's sin where he could have is called wicked how much more so a person who does a sin of omission where he could have done a positive thing like study to and he fails to do so upon him the sages say someone who is who chooses to not learn when he could be learning he's despised the word of the Lord he will be surely cut off so surely nullifying a positive commandment like the study of T is much worse than committing a small violation and a person who commits a small violation is called wicked so it must be someone who omits to study Torah is called wicked if so follow the logic this B must not even have the sin of failing to study every minute that's possible for him to study and that's why was able to think that he was abandoning wasn't that Raba didn't know that he was studying toy every second and therefore he thought he was aandy no it's that aband apparently is somebody who's studying tah every single minute and because if a would stop studying tah for even a minute he wouldn't be called the B be called a Russia is anyone following this you don't have to follow exactly but do you follow that there's a logical argument being made based on Tomic sources continum but if he's the B at this point maybe let me re okay at this point it seems to me that what you're descri desing based on tamic sources as being a ban this basically AIC yeah yeah then what do you need another category for great good questions okay you guys are doing good okay very good if you have an answer you're messed up because you shouldn't have an answer yet You' just be like what's go this this is weird I don't know you're right everybody should strive to be Aon no no no no we didn't say you didn't say that no I I don't know I don't know I don't know right now right now let's just refresh our members where we are we're coming into our first we're frustrated we're confused about our own identity and the alterist says Okay I want to tell you a bunch of stuff about t rashab and I'm not even going to resolve it for you we're just going to ask you a bunch of questions about these categories all right that's all that's happening right now you got to respect the process it's a process a process side point there's a little discussion in the Z between ra Andi and he asks him about what is a and he has a thought what it is but then that's not what it is and basically it's the same as what we already said anyways if you learn a lot of Zar and you would have had this question he just dealt with it for you okay there are 70 interpretations and thought possibly that was one of them okay now the fact that colloquially you mean the way that people speak people say that someone who does half and half half sins half merits is called a ban and person who does 51% and higher Mitzvah is called a sadic who that is not really the exact term it's a means a borrowed term meaning you're not using the term technically correctly but for purposes of conversation it's close enough when we're talking about punishment when it when we're talking about well he says here the way that judgment goes like at the end of somebody's life they're judged based on their majority okay so he's called sadic he's called righteous as far as the judgment they look at his whole life if it's 51% good they Sayad that's not what a that's not the technical precise definition of sadik but in the very specific context of judgment we use the term sadik but if you want to use the term tadic precisely if you want to use it correctly it doesn't mean a person who did 51% Mitzvah no the sages say something much stronger they say we said before only have the issuing orders like said my heart meaning my evil inclination is dead within me I don't have temptations anymore he didn't have a anymore he killed it through fasting anyone who didn't reach that level where he no longer has even though he does more good than bad he cannot be call it whatsoever that's why our sages say in a saw at the beginning of time that sadikin were exceedingly rare and he sort of sprinkled them out throughout the generations there's only a few people like that in each era like it says the is the foundation of the world meaning he's this unique persona it's not like there's a lot of these people there are very very very few of them so and the next line here is however here's the explanation and we don't have time to get to the EXP but I just want to recap we come in we're like what's up with me why am I all over the place why am I inconsistent see Al is like okay fine let's just let's just say that back to you um if you okay you know that you were given an oath to be a tadic not be a Rasha but even the whole world tells you you're a tadic you should think of yourself as a Rasha yeah that kind of doesn't make sense because if you think of yourself as a Rasha then you're going to be depressed and you won't be able to serve hasem so that's a vicious cycle but if you decide well I'm not a Russia I can sin and not think I'm a Russia well then that leads to being Cavaliers so that that that's that's not that's not a valid approach so what's up how how are you supposed to look at yourself basically the whole question is how should I look at myself what's my identity so he says you want to know something if you want an identity it's very complex and we're going to have to get in this these terms and it's not even I'm going to craft for you an identity but we're going to have to ask you a lot of questions first of all we're going to have to lead you logically to to by process of elimination to say what aen isn't Aben isn't the guy who sins 49% of the time or I mean who sins sadic isn't the guy who sins 49% AB is not a guy who sends 50% of the time in fact according to my sources AB can't even a guy who sends 1% of the time because then he be called RHA in fact he doesn't even stop learning t for one second cuz he would also be called the rash and ra and Raba wouldn't be able to mistake himself for being one so what is a sounds right now indistinguishable from a sadic but obviously it's not a sadic like you said if if it's the same then why have that category called sadic if it's a redundancy it's clearly not a redundancy so tadik is a distinct category from ban but it what's his because everything you've described based on your T sources sounds identical to a sadic and the answer is I don't know any of this yet but the answers will lead to some type of category or or or definition of the kind of person that you will be able to identify with and and be able to both retain your self-esteem and your principles at the same time that's the whole point here right now I'm feeling a tug-of-war should I let go of my self-esteem or should I let go of my principles should I admit that I'm a loser who's a moral failure but at least I have high standards or should I lower my standards and love myself I don't want to do either so he's saying there's going to be a definition that I'm going to craft for you which is based on ttic sources I'm not making it up it's my Innovation where you will be able to have your cake and eat it too you'll be able to have high standards and you'll be able to love yourself which we know is important because if you don't love yourself you're not happy about yourself you're not going to be able to serve Hashem properly okay great tell me what is that definition he says okay slow down okay because how long you've been having this struggle your whole life okay so you think you're G to come in I'm it's gonna take me five minutes to tell you a a new paradigm it's not going to take five minutes it's going to take I mean for for for our class it's going to take months but by the time we have that concept firmly established we'll all of a sudden be able to understand our own experience as conflicted individuals within a context that makes sense is everyone following here okay so that's really what's Happening Here the alab is building for me a worldview in which I can it's an interesting thing on one hand I can be comfortable with myself but not let myself go I can I can have lofty standards like the religious spiritual Seeker that I am but without judging myself to a point of of of self-loathing and that's that's the conflict remember that's the conflict I'm coming in with so for right now when we keep sort of checking in with our progress at this point we'll have new problems as Tanya progresses because answers lead to new questions but at this point you want to just keep checking with this idea of I'm confused about my identity I'm not sure how to regard myself and and in other words let me put it like this and want to let you go cuz I try to be very careful about about ending on time at this point the entire impetus for the discussion is an emotional question okay we're dealing with human emotions we're dealing with the fact that you're a real person you have feelings okay you don't just tell somebody well this is what yish kite is and if it works for you it works for you if it doesn't I'm sorry what can we do for you no we're taking it very seriously that you're experiencing emotional turmoil and we're going to help you to work through it without having to throw out our religious standards but in order to do that there's a there's a very complex building of terms it's all about really it's about a language it's about crafting a lexicon and that's that's we're doing these CH Paula do you want to no just the thing is it is it how do I fit myself into to this world yes how do I fit myself into this world called Hashem is true and to is true and all this stuff is true and I know I don't do it all the time so what's up with that yeah exactly exactly okay okay thank you so much all right okay