Ten Minutes of Meaning (Part 103): Envy Only Hurts You, Not Your Neighbor - Mesillas Yesharim

good morning and welcome back to our weekly 10 minutes of meaning so good to be able to learn together and i want to thank our generous sponsors our dear friends kanye lenny grinstein in memory of ghani's beloved father mr aaron tambor aron ben yitzchak thank you uh so much connie for your generosity and lenny okay we continue to share in the regard with sato in his monumental work the merciless asharam has been walking us through the path towards self perfection the path towards self-improvement self-awareness it begins with as we remind ourselves each and every week it begins with zerus a life of mindfulness a life of caution it then continues with zurich's alacrity zeal passion of enthusiasm setting goals and making resolutions to achieve them and then we have moved over to nikeis which is identifying different areas of our life that needs work and moving them from the battleground to conquered territory we have to defend the conquered territory we're never done with the conquered territory but to move it over from an area where we're struggling on a daily basis to uh something which we are able to feel comfortable that we have to a degree conquered and we've gone through eating and profanity and vulgarity and we've gone through uh modesty and we've gone through lastly we went through different forms of anger and how to conquer the anger within us and then moves us over to the world of kinna the world of envy the world of jealousy just like envy was such a categorically bad quality and what made envy so bad what made envy so bad is that oh sorry what made anger so bad is that anger is a pure emotion there's no intellect it's raw pure emotion it's rage the animal parts of the brain light up the human intellectual rational thinking thoughtful poor good judgment parts of the brain shut down and the angry person loses themselves literally and therefore brings about exactly the opposite of the result they want they damage their relationships tells us that the same is true when it comes to kena the same is true when it comes to jealousy envy there is foolishness said let me show you so let's say you have someone you're jealous of person has a neighbor and you're jealous of their marriage you're jealous of the nachos of their children you're jealous of the car in their driveway or you're jealous of the home or you're jealous of their job what does that jealousy accomplish the jealousy doesn't actually give you any of those things nor does the genesee deprive your neighbor of those things so even if you look at your neighbor and you say they're so unworthy they don't deserve that i'm a better person i do better i try better they don't deserve it i deserve it and so i'm envious i'm jealous i look with a negative eye an eye in raw i look with a critical eye and a jealous sign an envious eye and a judgmental eye says what does that do what does it accomplish when you're jealous of the other it doesn't give you a nicer car a bigger house a better marriage better income and it doesn't deprive it of the other person there's a great quote and like many are most great quotes it's debated exactly who said it which is that it said it in the context of anger but it applies to envy that being envious of someone else is like drinking poison and waiting for them to die your envy your jealousy is like your drinking poison and waiting for them to lose that car that house that nachos that parnassa it's not going to happen it's not the way it works so all it does is waste energy and waste emotion and all it does is compromise your physical emotional spiritual health all you're doing is harming yourself all you're doing is hurting yourself as the posix says uh envy will kill the fool so you look with a critical eye a judgmental eye a jealous eye and envious eye not in a way which expands or promotes your drive not in a way that makes you more aspirational not in a way that says you know i'm happy they have what they have i want and wish it for myself too and therefore i'm going to work harder on my marriage i'm going to work harder in my career i'm going to work harder to learn torah or to get something out of davening i'm going to work harder because i see what they have and i want it to that's not a prohibited envy or jealousy the prohibited form is the one where you simply see what someone else has and you begrudge them for it it's the one that you're you can't forgive them you can't be happy for them because you believe you deserve it and you want it and now you're working harder for it you just want it there's a type of person whose foolishness is so great that if you see someone else who has a good yes you become disheartened despondent you become worried and you suffer identifies so accurately some of the perniciousness of envy some of just how negative it is some of how damaging it is why because when i see what someone else has in their life in their health in their relationships and i want it i want it so badly what happens all i do is think about it i perseverate over it i can't move past it it paralyzes me not in a way that motivates and inspires me it just paralyzes me i marinate and i stew in my envy and jealousy for what someone else has and what's the result the result is not only do i not have the thing i'm envious of and not only am i not driven to do what's necessary to go and get it and to make it happen what happens is i compromise even the good things or the happiness that i do have in my in placing my eye not on what i have but what i don't have and placing my energy not on the blessings in my life or what i have to be proud of but what i'm jealous and envy of in someone else's then not only do i not have the other thing but i've ruined i've absolutely corrupted what i do have already this is what king solomon said envy is the decay of the bones envy gets into your kish because it gets into your bones it decays your bones your bones are the skeletal structure that keep you sound that keep you upright that keep you able to walk and when your bones are compromised when your bones are decayed when your bones are hollowed or die then the whole structure implodes so envy is like the decay of the bones if you can't move past the envy you have for others then you're going to implode your structure your skeletal structure can't sustain you you're unable to be upright you're unable to move forward there are others who are not so anguished and not so pained but nevertheless it's painful that neighbor has a nice car a nice house has a wonderful simcha to celebrate so it doesn't absolutely debilitate and it doesn't make someone totally anguished and it doesn't make someone paralyzed but it makes it cools off their fire it makes you just a little bit down it makes you frown it makes you sad because you wish you had it and when does that happen if it's not somebody that you love if it's someone that you love if it's a close friend a family member hopefully you're able to share in their happiness and joy hopefully you're able to see it as an extension of yourself but if it's not your close friend or family member it's an acquaintance it's a friend it's a co-worker and you hear about something positive in their life something you wish for it's something that you want it douses your fire with with cold water it just brings you down koshikain the greater degree of separation the greater degree of being a stranger the less you're happy for the other and the more that you feel jealousy and that jealousy not only doesn't give you the thing you're jealous of but it compromises and ruins the blessing and the things you deserve and should be happy about vitira shabbath so you go to the sims and you say all the right things and mazel tavis and i'm so happy for you you say all the right mazel tov on the new house mazel tov the nice car muscles have on the wonderful news mazel tov on that nachos from the child mazel tov on the big anniversary or the big birthday mazel tov once 15 years younger however you did that mazel tov on whatever the other person has so you say all the right things i'm so happy for you and mazel tov is so wonderful and yet in your heart in your kishkas the decay in your bones is not in fact happy for the other verhudava yara aurov and this is something that's a common occurrence the person is not envious and jealous it doesn't consume them they're not filled with anguish over it but still you can't help but feel just a little bit of a tinge i wish that were me lonikumi menu lagamre one who hasn't moved that from battleground to conquer territory one hasn't fully purged that from within themselves so this media of nikias this quality that we're up to in this 12-step program this third step is our effort and our aspiration to be able to purge from ourselves that feeling how can you learn about something happy something positive of another and not feel even a tinge of why not me that why not me never is even babar bone it doesn't come into the equation that you're not a person that ever thinks why not me you're a person who thinks i'm so happy for them and if you look at what they have and say i'm so happy for them and i wish it were me not i wish it were me instead of them i wish it were me in addition to them and what do i need to do for that to be me too what do i need to do in order to achieve that or receive that to use that sense of aspiration or ambition for what you see in another to be able to increase and promote the drive in you then it's not jealousy or envy which is negative and prohibited then it's a driver our rabbis tell us kind of so from that competitiveness among scholars brings out wisdom it's good you finish us i'm going to finish that's what causes people to publish and produce so if what you see in another causes you to have greater drive in you it's a positive thing competitiveness can be healthy and positive but if it causes you to want what the other has instead of them if it blocks your capacity to be happy for them if it ruins your ability to be happy with anything that you have then it is corrupting it is horrifically negative it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die and so we have to be menace we have to purge that instinct from inside ourselves someone else has great news bought a beautiful house they're putting on an addition they've renovated there's a new car in their driveway they're celebrating a milestone they get a mazel tov and a simcha ah i'm so happy for you not i'm happy on the surface and saying the right things but internally i'm unhappy i'm so fully and entirely and only happy for you and now i'm driven to want those things for myself we'll pick it up please god next time 8 45 at living with emunah join us 845 living with a moon if you're watching on youtube please subscribe to our channel and at nine o'clock tonight we go behind the beam with erica larson the leaders the heads of chabad to learn so much more about their outstanding work until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy