Strength in the Struggle - Empowering Preemie Fathers

the yeshiva.net my name is Isaac Sardar I was asked by Weare to moderate and introduce Rabbi Jacobson actually the original moderator had to cancel tonight because uh he had another preey so we wish him a mazov and wish his whole family a mazov and hope and pray that everything goes well well on their preey Journey I'm here tonight because as a father of a micro prey I understand why this Zoom is so important and I'm grateful to be here to listen and to learn I will start by reading the Weare mission statement Weare was founded by primy parents to fill a niche in the Jewish community We Care is an organization that will embrace you and your family throughout your preey journey we understand you and what you're going through we have all had our own NICU Journeys and jointly we've experienced all sort of complications surgeries Miracles and struggles the purpose of this Weare group is to provide reassurance andik in a safe Anonymous setting our goals are simple yet powerful through workshops like these we aim to spread hope and understanding for those who are struggling with prematurity it is my honor to introduce Rabbi YY Jacobson for our weekare Zoom session tonight which is focused on supporting fathers of pries for many years weer has been dedicated to helping families dealing with prematurity but we realize we haven't formally addressed the fathers until now we understand that fathers are the unsung heroes in this Nan navigating a lot of challenges during this time it is important for us to acknowledge and recognize their pain which is why we arranged this session Rabbi Jacobson is known for his rare combination of wisdom and empathy making him a perfect fit for our group we're very excited to share this valuable time together and without further ad Ado please let us welcome Rabbi Jacobson thank you thank you RAB Isaac you could see me and hear me yes RAB you can hear me now yeah beautiful I'm so happy okay I thought the issue was on our end okay thank you very very much thank you for the honor thank you for the opportunity to be able to to be here with all of you today this evening thank you to the organizers thank you for giving me this privilege and opportunity to speak to such a group of course I want to open up with blessings to each and every one of you for a good and blessed year materially and spiritually only revealed and manifested goodness may it be a year of true Health may all of your Kindel all of your children and precious ones have a complete and speedy recovery and enjoy many many long happy healthy beautiful prosperous years filled with Serenity tranquility and may Hashem give all of you the parents the fathers the mothers and the entire family all the strength and all the energy and stamina and vigor that you need during this difficult time in your lives dealing with all of the responsibilities and the duties and juggling so many different respons so many responsibilities so it should be a true year of health and of blessing and most importantly a year of gula of the ultimate and complete Redemption Ken I want to thank very much this organization called We Care pries helping of course mothers but also fathers who have had micro premies very premature babies and tonight I was asked to address the fathers so that's what I'm going to do I'll be speaking for some time maybe like a half an hour uh bem sharing some thoughts and feelings and then if anybody wants we can open the floor to questions okay the moderator will will present questions if anybody has great beautiful the first thing I want to say is that it's so important to understand that a father of a child who was born prematurely a prey certainly very prematurely is dealing with a very very difficult challenge I it's important to validate it obviously we know what the mothers go through but special connection between a mother and her infant her child whom she carries and has the special kinship between a mama between a mother and a child but never underestimate the great burden and the great Challenge and the stress and the anxiety in the life of the father it's important because sometimes in our society you know men are just supposed to be strong and carry it all with dignity and not show emotions and not show weakness and you know they got it and it's very beautiful to empower men and to believe in men and yes we should but it's also very important to understand the pain and it's important to validate the pain and it's important to hold space and empathy for what every single father is going through and I want you to understand this because it's not just the crisis of a mother it's the crisis of a family a family that's put through a very grueling experience and we sometimes as a society neglect fathers because they're supposed to be you know powerful all powerful and strong the says you know man is supposed to conquer and so forth sometimes people think you know women are more emotional the men men are not emotional but that's not true women are very emotional and men are very emotional maybe we sometimes live in a space or in a society where it's not so we're not so comfortable with our emotions but men are very very sensitive and men are very very emotional has a man not a heart has it a man not eyes has it a man not tears so I think it's important that of course the burden on the mother and the pressure on the mother and the pain of the mother is obvious it's not our topic tonight but let's understand how much empathy every single father who's here needs to have for yourself literally for yourself you're going through a lot and it's important to embrace that and it's important to cultivate for yourself a support system it's important to be able to have people in your life with whom you can share you can share your feelings you can share your tears you can share your laughter a shoulder to cry on people you respect people you trust with whom you could be open this is very very important don't underestimate it you know don't just say and everything is good everything is fine let's move on yeah we move on we put one foot ahead of another foot but it's very very important not to repress the pain not to deny the pain not to amputate the pain not to make believe it doesn't exist because ultimately what we resist persists what we're not ready to look at what we're not ready to feel it doesn't just disappear just because I say to myself I'm fine everything is good I'm just doing what I have to do you're doing what you have to do but it's also important to give space for the body to grieve our body knows how to grieve our body knows how to process pain but we have to give it space we have to hold space for it we can't outsmarted by giving ourselves explanations and rationalizations how everything is is working because what then often happens is we're not in touch with what's really going on there's a part of us that may be scared there a part of us that may be angry there's a part of us that may be very upset there a part of us that may feel a lot of Abandonment there's a part of us that may feel a lot of anxiety there's a part of us that may feel a lot of stress is a part of us that may feel you know so many different types of emotions and that's fine we're human beings wasn't given to Angels so I say to all of you it's so important to be able to hold space for your experience to hold space for your pain and to be able to have those individuals in your life whom you trust with whom you can be open with whom you can be honest with whom you can be authentic that's number one it's also important to acknowledge the shock of all of this you know this trauma could come unexpected you were looking forward to a pregnancy a full-term pregnancy and then a birth and recognizing the trauma and the shock of having an unexpected birth event not necessarily ready at all or not ready at all emotionally physically financially spiritually and there's a few things here first of all it's your baby it's watching everything the baby is going through and worried about the baby number two is observing what your wife is going through what your wife went through and what she's going through it's a dram it's a traumatic experience it's a traumatic birth however you spin it and you're observing it it's your wife there's also the pressure on all of the other children there's also all of the financial responsibility there's everything that comes with it and of course there is dealing with the huge unknowing what's going to happen with this baby you know will the baby survive the baby survives will the baby have full recovery are they going to be lasting medical conditions we always hope for the best and we pray for the best but these are all feelings that come up in us and these are very very intense stuff there's also juggling work learning davening raising the children who may be at home driving back and forth daily to the niku for weeks and for months I don't have to tell you this is a situation that usually goes on for many many months and hopefully it then and you come home but sometimes there's also Contin continuous visits and the entire responsibility of all of this usually falls on tati falls on the husband so the first thing I want to all of you is to acknowledge this and if you need to now take a tissue and shed some tears do that and if you need to hug yourself do that to acknowledge it hold space for it this is a lot to deal with the next thing is I want to tell you don't be afraid to reach for support whether that means reach out to another prie father find a friend who understands you who can empathize with you you can empathize with him it's not good when we're alone and we carry this alone reach out I'm sure we care pries would gladly match you with another father who can understand who can empathize that's number one number two make sure you have a friend you have a rabbi a re a rash a mashia a therapist a social worker a confidant a or all of the above to be able to really talk to to be able to talk to them to be able to share with them to be able to get feedback from them and really to be able to express your emotions this is so so important we all need a listening ear and we all need validation this is not a weakness again sometimes you know men have to be able to juggle everything as though they're omnipotent but you're not omnipotent you can also feel free to talk to the weaker Founders themselves who are well well versed in this experience obviously sometimes to get guidance practical support may I say something else you're allow to ask for help you know sometimes we're afraid to ask for help I don't want to come across needy I want to come across you know desperate I don't want to come across as a schn but I say in this situation the most important thing is that you should have all the you need to be here for yourself for your wife and your children so if somebody offers to help with the kids somebody offers to help with shab don't say I got this all covered say yeah sometimes people just say you know call me when you need help you know thank you but sometimes people can really get specific and they're offering something embrace it not because you're a schned and a schleper and you want to be needy you don't want to be needy but because it's a difficult situation and if everything falls on your head when the kids come home from school you won't be able to be there for them cuz you're shopping for shabas or you're doing something else or you're running to the niku you won't be able to be there for your spouse so I think it's very very important to allow yourself to get all of the help that you need another very important thing I want to address is the crisis in the marriage there's no question that when such an event happens in a family it creates a rupture you know the expected trajectory of marital life reaches a very difficult stumbling block and what can happen is either we get closer to each other or we become more distant from each other and it's important to understand that and there's a reason we become more distant first of all the mother is spending who knows how much time in the hospital or the father is spending at the hospital or one of them is at home and the other one is away so physically you're much less together then there's also the emotional distance you're living in different worlds and having different experiences remembers remember mothers grieve different than fathers and every person is different one parent May react to this tragedy in one way another parent in a different way you know one person loves to cry the other person loves to make jokes one person is like oh stop it you have to have and and stop quing and the other one is like no this is what I'm feeling it's not necessary that the husband and the wife feel exactly the same way but we need to hold space for each other we need to be able to respect each other we don't even have to agree on everything but we have to be able to trust that we can be there for the other and they can be here for us and we have each other's back even if we may have different reactions that's fine but a woman should be able to feel that she could just share with her husband as is without him judging without him being dismissive without him of course stonewalling or gaslighting in the same way the opposite that you should be able to share with your wife without feeling you know that you can share what's on your mind and for this we need to learn how to respect each other's feelings it may not be my reaction but it's her reaction it may not be her reaction but it's my reaction and then a marriage can actually become stronger because in such a situation what keeps a family together is a strong marriage you know life throws curveballs and the curveballs can destroy can create a lot of havoc and wreak havoc but when there's a fortress when there's a wall when there's a husband and a wife together you can deal with the curve balls much easier there's also the emotional stress in the other kids when the husand usband and the wife talk they can cry with each other they can laugh with each other they can express to each other their deepest emotions then they can also make a plan they can deal with the other kids it's just a much much healthier and more stable and much more um um a much more um a much easier situation to deal with when a marriage doesn't crumble in this process another important thing is that the despite all the stress and all the pressure and I'm saying this with a lot of sensitivity try to still have moments when you can just have fun with each other you know moments when you could just go even for half an hour go on a walk and you know and laugh go out to eat even if you can go away for a half a day if you can go away for a day or two just to be able to rejuvenate just to be able to maybe you can't but whatever you can just to still you know still keep that that casual uh friendly connection another very important thing is and you don't have to tell this I'm just saying all these things is we have to always think about the other children in the house you know lar it's hard cuz mother is overwhelmed and father is overwhelmed but they also have a lot of emotions and we're not going to be able to be there for them like we would love to being home every night but share with them don't keep them in the dark it shouldn't be a secret they shouldn't have to suspect you know where did Mommy disappear to where the tati disappear to it's so important every time you leave the house every child knows where you're going why you're going what's the plan when you're going to be back how is the baby doing how is Mommy doing how is tati doing the more we share with them the more they're part of the journey the more they don't have to speculate in their minds kids are very sensitive and if we don't tell them if we keep them in the dark they start imagining things on their own it's much better when we engage them obviously age appropriate you can't compare a 5-year-old to a 10-year-old to a 15year old it's age appropriate but always to bring them in to make them part of it to make them them know that we're here for them and we understand them and we want them to know what's happening they're part of this family and that father and mother display to them also that ability to be able to know that you know our parents are here they're present they're not running away they can cry to their parents they can express grief to their parents I think this is also very very important and it's a lot of work it's a lot of inner emotional work and I think it all begins internally and what do I mean by internally there's all the respons abilities you have on the outside you know there's driving there's finances there's taking care of the family there's chabas there's yam there's of course the medical issues there's talking to the doctors there's going to the ncu there's going back there's driving your wife there's driving yourself that's all obvious but there's one more thing I want to address and that's your own inner heart and this is maybe equally important maybe even more more certainly equally important and that is what is your relationship with yourself and with your soul and with Hashem because this is ultimately where real life happens inside say the abish to the hearts was a I knew his name was it was a a very special man he was in Siberia close to 10 years and I think he once shared that he knew a from was the fourth the son of the said that he once met the came into 1882 and he asked for an you know how D and he said that the told him that opened up his be capap and then he opened he unbuttoned his uh his shirt and he opened up his ties and he pointed to his physical heart his heart and he touched his heart and he says to this Jew in yish he says this heart this is what Hashem wants this heart and he pointed physically to the heart Andel said you saw that this DAV with his heart decades and decades later I thought to myself why did he have to open up his capot and his shirt he could just tell him to live by the answer is he was telling him something very powerful he wasn't talking about the heart he was showing him the heart because there's nothing that substitutes the heart the physical heart there's nothing that substitutes the physical experience of love and of closeness and of bliss and of pain so in this situation what you need more than anything else or at least as significant as anything else is that your heart heart doesn't get closed up it's so easy with all of the stress and the responsibilities the heart gets closed you have to put one foot ahead of another foot and you have to move on and you have to forge ah head and you got to fight and you got to deal with things and what we do is we close our hearts we have done this for Generations many people live with closed Hearts because there's a lot of pressure and there's a lot of trauma and you got to survive and you got to function so therefore you go into the war zone and you just go ahead and you stop failing cuz when you stop failing it's easier I'm like a robot but it exacts a very very deep price a very steep price they call it the cost of doing business as usual much better to feel all the pain and be alive inside than not to feel the pain and be dead inside and for this we need to really cultivate a very deep relationship with ourselves and with the and we do it by being honest with our emotions by having the ability to cry laugh sing speak openly intimately honestly as I said the B body knows how to process pain but we have to let it we can control it with Mind Games we're very good with Mind Games you know we tell ourselves what we have to feel what we're not let to feel what we should feel but what happen what happens often in that is we become fake people because we're not in touch with our real emotions so I encourage you my dearest Friends Don't Close Your Heart be there be open it'll enhance your marriage enhance your relationship with God enhance your relationship with yourself enhance your relationship with other other children there's another very big issue here and that is the fact these poor babies are suffering your babies your children and you're watching that you're watching it you know the dangers you know the hazards some of them suffer for a few months but sometimes children the babies are not developing well they have chronical medical conditions and you're watching all of this this is the challenge of having a child who's unwell that's not easy it's very very very intense it's a very very heavy heavy burden and challenge to deal with it's even more important that you're open with yourself that you can process all your emotions and that you have a very very good support system extremely now what I want to say to you is one more point and then I want to go to questions and that is don't feel guilty to take care of yourself in the way that you need to take care of yourself you know sometimes we live in a world where how can I be selfish my kid is suffering my wife is suffering there's so much craziness going on I'm going to take care of myself but the truth is we all find the truth we all see the truth that when you take care of yourself in a good and honest way it actually makes you a better father and a better husband and a better human being and a better Jew so don't be afraid to respect your needs and take care of yourself according to your capabilities and that means you're eating habits exercise nurturing your body your mind your soul but taking care delay it's not an a it's not a sin you need you need strength you need stamina you need Vigor you need to sleep as much as possible you need the exercise you need the nutrition take care of yourself because when you respect yourself there's a self and when there's a self you can give you can sheare this is so so important sometimes people feel so so guilty how can I do that but what happens they they're less and here another important point is boundaries it's very important to have boundaries some of you come from big families wonderful families is a every night but if you go to every single and you stay there a whole night till the end of the mitv you can only have three hours of sleep you have to be in the niku at 7:30 in the morning you're going to be even before your wife is going to have a grouchy and exhausted husband you have to have boundaries of course you want to go to Every and you want to stay till the end of the and you want to hear the and if you could and you have the time and the energy and the space enjoy and dance away but sometimes it's not you don't have the ability and you have to have boundaries maybe you could come into a for 5 minutes you can go over to the or go over to the whoever the is and give a big hug and a big kiss and say a big Ma and then go out and it's not because you're narcissistic and you're self-centered when a family is going through a crisis it's very very important not to be Y for the whole world sometimes we put the whole world before ourselves and our children and we do it because we're kind but it's not healthy the people who are at the wedding they're going to survive even if you don't stay till 4:00 in the morning but your kids need a father your wife needs a husband the preey needs a father so it's very very important you know sometimes the whole world comes before ourselves like we're train that way and sometimes it's absolutely insecurity I'm just trying to be a people's pleaser and I don't know how to say no sometimes it's like this Duty and obligation that I always have to be y for everybody and everybody has to see me as the sadic of M or Williamsburg or W Lakewood or thas river or Cron a park or whatever it is whatever my community is but sometimes you have to say I want to be of help to people but I have a priority have a crisis in the family so what doesm need from you today the first thing is to be here for your wife to be here for your baby to be here for your children to be here for yourself if I could do more hate but don't be afraid to make the proper boundaries you can go to every event you can go out with whoever you want to go out and you Cano with with everybody in SCH and here's another issue sometimes people will say what's happening how you going you know they just want to hear you say everything is perfect right you know have self-respect you know you have to have an answer but not everybody who's asking a question is even interested in the whole answer and not necessarily they're going to understand so choose your relationships carefully the people you're open with the people you could just smile and say thank you for asking hopefully everything will be good and you move on y didn't know how interrupt a telephone call you know everyone has and and sometimes say thank you so much I gotta go thank you so much I got to go in other words respect your boundaries not because you're a selfish person but because when you're all over the place you squander your energy ultimately can't be here for the people who really really need you most and that's yourself and your immediate family and your loved ones and that's Mah and then comes another important point and this has to do with amuna and and what it means sometimes people think that amuna means that everything is perfect everything is blissful now there are Jews that live on that level the mag of M sent a Jew to to find out how you could be thankful for bad things like you are for good things so he came to and he told them why the mag sent to says you probably didn't hear him right cuz I never had a bad day in my lifea suffered a lot the mag wanted that Jew should hear from that he never had a bad day in his life why the says so the said comes from the word everything is uniform when is when God is always before me everything is there's no good days bad days I'm up I'm down I'm on top of the world I'm on the bottom of the world whoever God wants me today he wants me to be here I'm here tomorrow he wants me to be there I'm there now I'm on a higher place I'm on a lower place what makes it higher and lower this is where hasem wants me to be everything is says you're always in a state of alignment there's an equilibrium in your life you're always connected and there's different Journeys today God wants me in the dumps tomorrow he wants me on the mountain tomorrow he wants me on the moon then he wants me on the sun he wants me in Bliss he wants me in aggravation he wants me in a difficult challenge but it's all sh and the Deep depth of the Soul understands that and feels that but we also have to understand we have other parts so it's extremely important to know that amuna doesn't mean I don't have any negative feelings my life is perfect I'm just being dishonest with my emotions and means that even the experiences of negativity are also part of the plan doesn't mean that it feels good it means that I can accept the fact that even the assum that I'm experiencing is also part of the plan but there may be so it's very very important to remain connected to your heart and remain connected to your honesty but then to remember something and that is don't try to put into because God is then sh doesn't have to understand we could surrender with trust even without understanding we sometimes like to understand things because we like to control them but the soul doesn't need a control you don't need a control like the alter bat used to say says into who do I have in heaven and with you I desire nothing on Earth represents the higher and the lower he says I'm not looking for you aen the higher lower this world that world I'm looking for you yourself the depth of the the wants deas with hasem and it's completely happy to surrender with full trust it doesn't have to understand and every Jew in this his or her deepest place has that where the only thing you really really care about is your alignment with ultimate truth and over there I don't need to understand I don't need to comprehend I don't need this drive that I need to control I don't know I could trust fully like says what does he say I'm like a little infant nursing from his mother you ever saw the baby a preey baby or any baby being held in the arms very calm trusting the baby doesn't know where it's going to get its next meal what's going to be tomorrow but this trust so says now this is a very very deep space but it's also a very comforting space I may have Parts with pain and questions and I'm upset and that's very normal as I said before but it's also good to open ourselves up to that part in the soul that says I don't know I don't have to know I don't understand I don't have to understand we don't understand so many of the mysteries of life but I could still trust I could still say I could surrender I Could Just Surrender my ego my expectations my vision of what life has to look like you know all of us have a vision what life is supposed to look like there comes a point like in these situations I don't know what it's supposed to look like I Surrender and I just show up moment to moment with Grace with love with with tears with grief with dignity and also with an open open heart and that's a very very powerful tool it's not a tool where I intellectually understand and comprehend it's the art of surrender it's the art of ble it's the ability to be able to say says is here but I don't know I don't know I don't have to figure it out I can't figure everything out I'm just going to show up with my heart with my love with my faith with My Soul with my tears with my Bliss I don't have to know says I mean says once said that was astounded by he was the first expert who said I don't know all the other experts in Egypt everybody knew everything said I don't know he learned it from his father his father said said well you have touched that language of lo I don't know the language of loti is not weakness it's strength it's the ability to know that reality is Ain reality is infinite Infinity doesn't go into the brain I don't have to understand Infinity I don't have to understand God I don't have to understand truth I don't have to I don't need to I don't have to I don't even want to and I can't and it doesn't affect the relationship it's like the infant in the hands of his mother or his father just just with full trust full full trust that's a very very empowering emotion I don't understand I Surrender control but I show up with my entire heart so my dearest friends I'm now going to take a break for some questions and I want to again conclude with blessings to each and every one of you sending my love sending my blessings to each and every one of you for to be able to see from all of your loved ones with you your spouses your and especially and including the pries to be able to have and to have only all the way down and main thing is to thank you so much you really spoke to my heart and I'm sure to the hearts of all the primy families the fathers the mothers it was very very beautiful we really appreciate it thank you thank you just a few brief questions Rabbi uh one question that came in is that there may be a parent that's feeling uh guilt that perhaps is it's his fault maybe the child is suffering because of something I did maybe I didn't D in enough maybe I didn't learn enough maybe it was an AA some type of sin that I may have committed that caused this what would the rabbi respond to such a a question I have found that these feelings of guilt don't help anybody they usually just create stress pressure and anxiety and bring people further away from themselves from their families and from hashm if you have a na'vi like your sh and your Mo that came to you and gave you a message from God fine but nobody is doing that and nobody's giving you any D if you feel that you want to correct something and you feel like you want to add in more goodness and bring down more blessings to the world for sure do that but to live with guilt how do you know there could be billions and billions of reasons that things happen and it could be things that are completely beyond our knowledge let me ask you a question do you know thein of every family that's suffering who understands these things I mean we're dealing with a Generations where there's been so much pain and so much suffering for anybody to say I'm guilty because I didn't DAV and I didn't learn and I didn't give s and I did this and I did that I don't know usually people who do this to themselves are just much more miserable and I think it compromises their it makes you much more distant from from from if you'd listen to my advice I would get rid of all of those thoughts you don't know why you don't have to know why if there's something you feel that you want to enhance in your life spiritually physically emotionally of course you should do that we should always do that every addition cutting closer to your truth opens up vessels of blessings for sure and we should all improve and we should all grow and go from strength to strength but to blame yourself for the illness and to blame yourself for the premature birth I don't know I don't know what you're going to gain from it it's going to make you weaker miserable angry and more detached so I would stay away from that because it's usually it's usually coming from the it's usually not coming from the if you want to do something positive great do something positive but why the guilt why need for Guilt why where did you get that from in fact the rambam says it's to tell somebody this tragedy happened to you because of this well God told this to you you know hasm was very upset with E's friends because they told him exactly why he what he sin his sin and that's why he was punished with all this punishment God got very upset at them why did he get upset at them e said I'm innocent they said You're Not Innocent hem got upset at them not at e the reason is because the the the Mal the says the malum says said you're trying to flatter me you want me to be in your good s so you're telling I if you're the sinner cuz you want God don't don't flatter me God doesn't need your flattery he need need your truth don't you don't have to flatter God so the point is the of pointing a finger and saying at myself or somebody else you know this is happened because of this sin says we it's very hard for anybody to know these things and I think we have to have humility and the approach should be that if there's something I feel that I could correct in my life and become a channel for more blessing for for sure you should do that but I don't think there's a need to blame yourself I really don't see how that's going to help anybody that's just my opinion beautiful thank you uh just one more question Rabbi uh somebody asked we are a year after our prie was born my wife is falling apart she's depressed and anxious what do I do but I think what you need what you you can't do anything she has to do you you could support her you know we cannot take responsibility for another person's life but I think you could support her what I would try to do is first of all remain connected to her Don't Run Away emotionally connected to her try to be as as supportive as you can but one more thing and that is you know you could sit with her and tell her there's a lot a lot of help out here out there today there's many many healing gifts that Hashem has given this generation and it's important for all of us to be open to the opportunity of finding the healing that we need so an example would be you know maybe this woman needs a good therapist to talk to maybe this woman needs to do yoga maybe this woman needs to get a massage a few times a week maybe this woman needs exercise maybe this woman needs friends to talk to maybe she needs time away for a few days um you know we should try to really really be there for her maybe she could use vitamins maybe she could use medicine maybe she could uh do body work the somatic therapy uh there's EMDR there's TB I mean there's a lot of stuff you know there's breath work that's helping people a lot of stuff helping people today so I think it's very important to be there for her in every possible way and also to kindly suggest like you know let let's let's figure out how things could be made better like you know she's carrying the whole responsibility of this child and it's overbearing it's overwhelming maybe some boundaries have to be put into place maybe she needs a little bit of a different schedule maybe she needs a few days off maybe she needs to sleep more I don't know I don't know the answer cuz I don't know the situation but my point is let's think out of the box and be creative number one and number two it's important for you to have empathy for yourself cuz it's not easy to have a wife who's falling apart you know when a a wife and a mother is falling apart it's very very very hard so it's also important for you to take care of yourself don't just take care of her also take care of yourself cuz we don't want we don't need two people falling apart so like it's not selfish like I said before for you to take care of yourself take care of yourself like give yourself your needs so you should be able to take care of your wife beautiful Rabbi I apologize there's one more question that's been coming in by a few people and I also had this question in mind as well um you know people don't really understand what life is like uh being the parent of a preey in the hospital and and all the struggles that it comes with and therefore they're not so supportive and not really understanding of the situation and they're not really helping out because they don't really understand what we're going through and we're feeling maybe angry and resentful about this that they're they're not they're not helping out yeah so I'll tell you there's two types of people there's people that you feel that they're close to you they're really close to you and you trust them and you could speak to them and you have to speak to them you have to explain it to them there are people that are not going to understand or they don't want to understand and then you have to say you know what it is what it is so you have to decide what type of people they are if it's a good friend if it's somebody you really like if it's somebody that you relationship with them you really honor and cherish if it's a family member who's close to you you have to sit down with them and say I want to share with you about my life and be honest you got to be honest with them you know if it's somebody who's not really interested they're not going to get it they're pretty clueless you're not even you don't even want to be so close to them you Let It Go like you just you know you just let it go like you not every guy in your SCH or every guy in your or every guy in your bmes or in your work is going to get it some people are really really clueless it's fine let them be clueless and fine God blessed them and they should have a lot of if it's somebody where there's there's a deep relationship then you have to be honest with them then you have to say listen we've been good friends and I don't think you understand what's going on and you know what if they're really good friends they're going to apologize and they'll say oh I'm sorry I didn't know you know I didn't know and so it's important if you tell them everything and they still say it's not a big deal so then you know who your friends are are like you know if you pour your heart out and somebody just says oh it's not a big deal get it get it over fine this obviously this is not this is not you know we love every Jew but not everybody is your best friend it's fine not everybody has to be your best friend and not everybody could be part of your intimate support system you have to understand whenever we go through a crisis there's nothing wrong with saying these are the two three four people I speak to these are the people not everybody I can't speak to everybody you need to have people who understand people who are sensitive people that you trust people who are empathetic people that you feel that you want to get their feedback right I once I'll tell you a cute story it's not so relevant to this but it's just like gaka story I once was in your I was once visited rabinin you know Rin he wrote like 70 he the first person to translate the gamar you know into English into Hebrew he was really uh very very ahead of his time is a very special man so he used to speak around the whole world around the world so I was once talking to him I asked him advice I said you know sometimes I get a lot of criticism for things I say by why why Jacobson sometimes says things and people don't like it and I told them I'm sensitive and sometimes like it's hard for me how do you how do you deal with it how do I deal with it I asked his advice he says to me said I want to ask you a question those people who criticize you harshly are they people that you would ask them advice if you had a problem in life I said absolutely not he says so so so what do you care about their opinion what do you care about their opinion I don't understand you know yourself you wouldn't ask them advice so now they have an opinion about your speech what's the big deal right it was it was it was it was a very good point my point is whenever a family is going through a crisis we have to be able to say you know these are the people I want to be open with these are the people who get it these are the people I can trust and maybe there's somebody who you could trust but you have to speak to them you have to tell them more and and I think that's that's that's how to deal with it that's the best way to deal with it just start experiencing anger towards everybody in my neighborhood CU they don't get it they don't get it that's true you know people don't get a lot a lot of things trust me you know I deal a lot with it's is a different again a different subject but I deal a lot with with you know people who have gone through sexual abuse and people tell them oh just get it over you know just you know move on you get it over with come on stop complaining you're embarrassing the family it's like and I right away tell them they're not going to be your support system they will not be your support system they don't get it somebody who understands the pain and then helps you move on by working with it by working it through those are the good friends or those are the good therapists or those are the good rabbis or rabbitson but somebody who's just dismissive and says oh stop giving us a headache and making a big tummel from nothing then you got to know that these are just people who don't understand and you know like you know it's it's as my wife once told me she says you know things work for people until they stop working so if people can get away with things working until they stop working you know Lucky them but I don't think once we understand this we don't have to get angry we could just say you know what it's fine F like you don't need to understand it's fine let's move on like some people just get it and some people just don't get it some people are very self-absorbed or even if they're not self-absorbed they're just in their own world or they just don't know what empathy is or they just don't understand you know they just don't understand and sometimes people also choose not to feel so much because if they start feeling a lot of things are going to come up so they just they live a little bit in a different plane whatever you just have to know like I've learned that being judgmental of other people is really useless like you know we want to use our time and energy to show up with love and empathy and and and and show up the way we could you know to analyze all the people and what their motives are and why there're clueless in this I say leave it alone it's waste of your time read it's just my opinion I I'm not it's not it's just my thank you Raab ending this off a few fathers came in a little bit late would the rabbi just end off with a small for those fathers who are suffering and struggling that just came in a little bit late maybe a little BR yeah first of all I hope you could send them the recording no for sure okay also I see somebody wrote here I don't know if you got this in the zoom somebody wrote something it's a very interesting question he says that he was in the woods for close to three years with a son a primi and they're coming out from a long dark medical tunnel and he struggling getting back to being a regular day-to-day guy and the Casual day of uh of of um of of just regular life not meeting with doctors and running back and forth to hospitals and completely neglecting his body and his business and his regular life and he says now he feels almost unfulfilled in a regular day he finds himself stuck in the quote unquote trauma just being a regular person is so hard because he's so used to you know being in trauma and running and and going crazy and not having a normal day and a normal night and it's uh it's really really it's really really hard so I think you have to really embra you have to be empathetic to that you have to have compassion for three years you were in a state of active trauma for three years you were in a state of active danger running to hospitals neglecting yourself neglecting your business going from Doctor to doctor dealing with crisis after crisis after crisis and now you're like thrown back into regular life and you're like this is boring this is boring I think the first thing is accept it it's been 3 years that's a long time that's a long time of active trauma right and I think the best thing is don't feel guilty don't feel guilty what what I would suggest is in the morning when you wake up and you say meditate for another few minutes in bed and say thank you Hashem that I could plan my day with with and then plan your day make it a productive and meaningful day you know if you really feel that you want to be much busier so fine so accept something upon yourself maybe something Ina maybe something in your community maybe something for Israel maybe something in learning maybe something in daving maybe some issue of whatever it is one of the you know and and get involved if you're looking to be more busy get involved what I would do is I would wake up in the morning and give a special thanks that you can have a calmer day and plan your day and realize that at this point your purpose is not in running around your purpose is in working in a way that's with and doing things step by step but doing it with a full heart and when you live a regular day today life with a full heart like you're running around the whole world there's no Mitzvah to be frazzled be present but be present with your whole heart so just because it's a regular day there's no regular day if your whole heart it's not a regular day your soul is there your body is there do things with full presence with full cavana with full energy and you'll see something the days will actually be very exciting days because you're going to be fully present you're going to suck the marrow out of light out of life there's an expression in Latin called sees the day says that finished the second when shabas came in so it looks like he worked on chabas so once said why couldn't hem stop a few minutes before he couldn't stop a few minutes before hasm was trying to teach a lesson that as long as you could still create a world if you could still create a world don't stop I you already created a beautiful world in six days but if there's another soul you can touch suck the mar out of life so I say to you now you have you could plan full days suck the marrow out of life maximize your potentials and do the best you can but also hold empathy for this transition because it's very radical it's normal you're not a crazy person but the fathers who just came in so just I want to give you all a that you should have only good news from your pries and from your entire family to be a year of complete health and a speedy recovery and should give you and your wives all the and the and the strength and the stamina and the Vigor to be able to deal with this Challenge and to be able to see only and to be able to cultivate within yourself all the fortitude that you need in order to be able to be present and in order to remain focused and in order to to remain centered in order to remain balanced in order to remain anchored in your n because when these things happen and we're not anchored we can go crazy double triple time you know we can go crazy in very powerful ways so it's so important to be able to be anchored in your roots to be able to have and give yourself the nutrition that you need physical and spiritual to be able to be the best version of yourself under these circumstances amen Rabbi on behalf of the entire Weare uh freey family we want to thank you for your time your wisdom and your empathy and we really really enjoyed it thank you so much and for all those who joined us we thank you for coming out and listening as well and wishing everybody good and uh I should only have theen amen thank you we should see a take M amen amen this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution ATP w.the yeshiva.net donate