Stop Trying to Understand Your Life - Women's Chanukah Class

the yeshiva.net today's class is dedicated to a very very special woman who was taken from us recently and a personal friend and relative to many of you who are joining us here today darina kalati esther bass aliyahu who was 43 years old and after a 20-month battle with lung cancer has returned her soul to its maker just a few weeks ago on shabbos november 7th 2020 the 20th day of kashvin shabas parish valley the 20th day of heisman 5 7 81. so this week is the 30-day period since her tragic passing at the age of 43. esther the arena was one of the great lights of the jewish world and particularly of the special community of great neck any of you who are from great neck are familiar with great nickname she is one of the most beloved and cherished torah teachers in the community an exceptional life coach she guided lovingly and mentored helped inspired and kindled the flames and hopes not only among family and friends but people from close and far in every possible way her impact her influence the power of her faith her wisdom her empathy and her caring were extraordinary and indeed the entire community mourns the passing of such a great spiritual person such a beacon of light and hope and love at the age of 43. i want to express my deepest condolences to her husband life's partner ariel to her three beautiful young children who adored their mother and whom who was who were so loved and cherished by their mother ethan jonah leia of course our deepest condolences to her mother who's still with us diana dina and to her brother my dear friend darren who's dedicating this class in honor of his sister who he was so close to and they had such a special relationship it's never ever easy to lose such a person any person especially such a person especially at such an age such a young age it's excruciatingly painful difficult to comprehend and wrap our brains around one thing we know is that her light will never be obliterated her children will carry her soul her love her passion in the future of their lives pass it on god willing to their children and everyone she touched the values she bequeathed to others the faith that she helped others discover the wisdom that she imparted to others continue to live and inspire as her soul experiences its unique journey in the world of truth and in the bosom of god so this class is dedicated in her loving memory and as a tribute to her she was born on shabbos she passed away on shabbos and her life was one of shabbos serenity peace inner joy inner connection with herself with her loved ones with her family with her community and with the creator of the world tahiti surah bound up in the eternal bond of life and it's an honor for me to dedicate this year this class in her memory i'll begin with a little anecdote which i thought was cute there was this jew who made a hanukkah party and he invited all the guests to come you know relatives and family was a lavish hanukkah party he was somebody who loved judaica and loved antiques he would always go to auctions and purchase old items and he had this this library treasure chest of all these beautiful historic items from the days of yore so at this hanukkah party he made sure to show off to the guests you know all the antiques he had so as people were sitting at the table and enjoying the latkes and the doughnuts and the other good chanukah delicious food that was being served the man pointed to them and he said you see this midnight it's been it is 450 years old it was created by someone sawing this in this country you see this dreidel this dread will come from poland before the war you see this oil this oil was used during the second world war he goes through everything candles and the wax that's still on the menaida somebody was sitting there and was eating the donuts the man says and how how old are these donuts so the story of chanukah is a very old story it's close to 2 200 years old that's a long time america celebrated thanksgiving recently so that's a story that's also old but it's a few hundred years old the 1620s which is 400 years old nice amount of time but you can't compare it with the chanukah story that is more than 2000 years old and yet there's an aspect of it all aspects of it that are really extremely that is extremely fresh and vibrant and relevant and extremely uh contemporary to our times today and it's one aspect of the story that i want to share that i feel is very relevant to many of our lives let's first remember the facts of the story even though there are no one but it's always good to remind ourselves the facts the story takes us back to the year 164 before the common era 164 bce this is around 150 years before the birth of christianity it's two centuries before the destruction of the second temple by the romans israel judea eretz israel the holy land was under the rule of the empire of alexander the great who of course came from macedonia he's known as alexander mogudon in greece a syrian ruler known as antiochus v ascended the throne and was determined to impose his values on the jewish people he set up a statue of zeus in the beta mikdash in the holy temple in jerusalem he systematically desecrated jerusalem's holy sites he imposed horrific restrictions on the practices of judaism at the pain of death many a jew were barbarically tortured mutilated executed when they were found practicing judaism the flame of yiddishkeit came very close to being extinguished jews were forced to offer sacrifices pagan sacrifices to uh to pagan gods including to a swine to offering a swine a pig sacrificing a pig in the basement the high priests that he appointed were completely completely surrendered and subservient to the new hellenist ideal and in fact many jews supported this it just felt right for them why fight city hall in fact many aspects of greek culture were very enthralling and enticing for the jews even though it came with such a heavy price of human torture and blood and cruelty a small group of jews led by the elderly priest matasyahu and his sons rose and revolt they fought a brilliant campaign and within three years they recaptured jerusalem they removed all of the horrible objects from the temple they restore jewish autonomy it was as we say in the hanukkah prayers a victory of the week against the many a week the weak against the strong the few against the many religious liberty was established and the besamiktas was rededicated that's why it's called hanukkah which means rededication but let's go one step further what was at the core of the conflict so the al-hanis in prayer is the praise of hanukkah we describe the core of the conflict and we say and i'll quote this is from the prayers of all the services of chanukah and the grace after males the kashmini and his sons when the wicked hellenistic regime the syrian greeks rose up against your people israel to make them forget your torah and violate the decrees of your will i want you to reflect on these words they wanted to make the jews forget your torah we're talking to god and to violate the decrees of your will now every word in prayer is precise why does it not say when the wicked hellenistic regime rose up against your people israel to make them forget the torah and violate the mitzvos why the emphasis is on your toyota and the decrees of your will well you'll say what's the difference this expression that expression every word is precise it should have said this evil regime stood up they wanted jews to forget terror mitzvahs and they wanted they should all violate the mitzvos but you see the prayer is much more specific they wanted the jews to forget your torah they wanted the jews to violate who keritzener the decrees of your will this is not just a small change it's not only poetic they wanted me to forget your torah it actually goes to the heart of the conflict because this was not just a conflict about religious freedom it ran much deeper and in that sense it persists till today not only outside of us but also inside of us if i ask you a question how much of your life is guided by rational decisions and how much of your life is guided by decisions that are not necessarily rational so most people would like to say that we're guided by rational decisions we're all rational people and hopefully we try to be rational people and think things through that's true but what is more powerful in the person our inner wills and desires that transcend rationality or irrationality so for thousands of years philosophers believe that rationality is the most powerful tool in a person's life and if you convince somebody rationally for something you'll solve the problem in kabbalah that was never unders it was never understood that way in kabbalah kessa is above the first faculty of wisdom is called and above that is kesem which is the crown which means rats in the will in other words will transcends logic because the truth is that there is something much deeper than rationality in the human soul in the human brain yes we're rational we like to be rational people and we want to understand things and if you can explain to me certain things i may change my mind but the deepest convictions and the deepest values that you have are not based on rationality today in psychology this is a well accepted truth over the last century but for thousands of years everyone thought the philosopher that's the pinnacle of the human being that's ultimately that's how you get to people through their mind through their logic but sit down with anybody who's struggling with something with disappointment with pain with a feeling of incompetence with wounds with scars with anxiety with stress with disappointment with depression with other toxic ideas feelings senses thoughts emotions with trauma and explain to them rationally that logically doesn't make sense how much is it going to help you're dealing with processes in a person that are much deeper than his rational or irrational mind and you have to address those processes from a jewish perspective especially the kabbalistic tradition rat sign is much deeper than is very powerful but sign desire your inner values are much deeper than that i said yesterday in my class i was once talking to a top therapist and i asked him i said to him i want to ask you a question how do you know that you hit the spot when you're sitting with a patient how do you know that you really got it you touched the spot and he said something very profound he said as long as they are explaining their positions as long as they are rationally justifying what they believe in and there's a logic to it i know that i did not get them to spill the beans i did not let them become connected with their inner core i said so when do you know you got kim connected to an inner truth he said when all the explanations go out the window there's no more rational justifications there's no more structuring things and boxes and making sense out of them rather i'll see tears flowing down their cheeks and they'll look at me and they'll say this is who i am these are my dreams these are my needs these are my deepest desires these are my aspirations it's just who i am but why it's irrelevant the why is not touching that spot why is a later addition our brain dresses up our inner desires with logical explanations so it's packaged nicely and it's presentable to the public including presentable to us but if you want to get deeper into your neshama deeper into your brain much deeper than rationality and logic are inner deep aspirations and yearnings that are not about logic you see logic structures everything it gives it a certain definition and structure and reason you know you could seal the box tape it up put a label on it okay reason number one reason number two reason number three that itself means it's not coming from the innermost place of the soul the inner most place of the soul is not a logical entity so what is it's made up of its energy is rooted in a place of infinity it's aligned with the ain't safe it's aligned with the source of existence god is not logic god created logic so if god is not if god created logic he or she is completely not defined by it yes god created logic and we cherish logic and we use it but it's not the beginning and the end of everything it has its contribution that it plays in history and in life and it must be utilized to its fullest if we even can utilize it to its fullest because it's an exceptional tool but it's not the core of life it's not the core of psychology it's not the core of self-awareness it's not the core of growth on the contrary if i am operating on a level of logic i am operating on an external level everything fits it's perfect but i'm not really operating from my deepest place because if i'll be operating with my deepest place over there things are far deeper than any logical structure or explanation or justification in fact many people become so logical because they're afraid to unleash the inner energy they're afraid to unleash their deepest emotions they don't want to turn on that faucet they don't want to turn that valve they don't want that flow to happen so the brain protects them and everything becomes logical but it's cold it's a little detached it's cerebral it's not living life we need our mind to guide us we need our mind to help us harness emotions we need our mind to tell us and distinguish between threats real threats and fake threats between delusions and truth between completely misguided misguided ideas versus things that have validity so logic is very very valuable but it's valuable as a stepping stone it's valuable as a tool to remove the debris falsehoods superficiality to get rid of ridiculous ideas and so forth to be able to serve as a barometer if i'm just barking up the wrong tree but real the real truth of me of relationships we is in a place that's much deeper than any logic let me give an example from marital therapy so a husband and a wife are sitting in the therapist's office it can work both ways i can give an example both ways since it's a woman's class i'm going to give it one way but it can also be the other way so any man who's listening to me please don't think that i'm discriminating against men i have nothing against men in fact i myself happen to be a man if you noticed so i have absolutely nothing against men i'm just talking to women so i'm giving an example from this side we can give the exact same example from the other perspective now you can ask me which one happens more often i don't know you'll speak to your therapist and you'll find out which one happens more often so the woman sitting there and she's crying she's discussing her needs her dreams her desires her disappointments how difficult it is with the relationship and the communication and what's going on with the kids and what's going on with the house and what's going on with work and what's going on at night what's going on in the bedroom and what's going on in the kitchen and what's going on in their conversations and what's not going on and the therapist turns to the husband and says what do you say say here's a classic right he starts logically explaining why his wife is wrong this she doesn't need it doesn't make this doesn't make sense this doesn't make sense this doesn't make sense and since he learned gemara for so many years and he honed his intellectual skills so he becomes an expert on this and it's like an encyclopedia and he explains everything and it's a he gives a beautiful sheet a beautiful class and what does his wife do she picks up both of her hands like in the spirit once again what is this guy missing what's this guy missing he may be right in the world of cerebral logic he may be right but people are not computers she's having deeper experiences deeper emotions you say well she does she shouldn't let's let everything be intellectual and logical the problem is that's not true it's not a human being you can make somebody be like that only if you kill their soul if you repress their emotions their sensations their inner experiences their inner world if you want me to be a computer fine i can be a lifeless computer okay so the therapist explains this to the man he says when your wife says i want something i need something i value something. don't start proving her wrong you have to create space for that this is her reality this is her truth so the husband matures and grows up and says okay turns to his wife and says if this is what you want this is what i'm going to do even though it does not make sense to me and it's not logical this is what i'm going to do when she leaves the office he turns to the therapist he says but now you have to explain to me why you have to explain to me the logic behind of what she wants i'll do it but i want to understand the logic i get i'll do it i'll do it i'm a good man i'm not selfish i want a good marriage i'll do it but now explain to me why or he'll go back to his wife and say listen i'll do what you want but i need to understand why i'm not going to argue i'm not going to convince you otherwise i'll i'll do what you want but explain it to me again he missed the boat why did he miss the boat he missed the boat because he is believing that life's decisions that life's values that life's deepest yearnings are based on logic they're not they're not now this is a shock for a lot of people i have to tell you because when you grow up among jews logic is considered tremendous and all learning much of learning you have to use your br your analytical brains to understand and they're always questioning and refuting but we have to understand that if we get stuck there we can actually be learning like the greeks there's the greek inside of me who is not ready to really embrace that the core of life is not cycled the core of life is infinity the core of life is divinity the core of life is ella kus the core of life is insafe the core of life is that your soul is is a fragment of god and god is not an intellectual entity god created intellect created logic logic is is beautiful we're not enemies of logic at all we're not enemies of rationality we love it we cherish it we embrace it we use it but it's not the essence of life but tell me why there's no why if there's a why it's not me it's a garment if there is a why you did not touch the core you only got to the corridor you got to the foyer you got to the rooms to the hallway you didn't get into the intimate chamber of my soul as long as you're asking me why or i'm asking myself why i am not touching the deeper parts of my truth the deeper parts of my truth there's no why it comes from a place that is deeper than why so you say why because this is who i am but why are you this way because this is who i am these are my deepest rich signers these are my deepest yearnings and aspirations can you make space for that in your wife can you make space for that in your husband if you can this can single-handedly change your relationship if you can really really make space for it in yourself and then in somebody else you can't make space for this in somebody else if you can't make space for this in yourself it's not the only thing you need to have a good marriage but it's an important piece so you see the two steps that i that i developed here step number one is the person says i can do it if i don't understand step number two is i'll do it but i still need to know that there's a reason and both are misguided and these are the two steps that exist in our marriage with hashem too there is a judaism that is not based there is a judaism let's call it the the the if i could be it's called the greek version of judaism i'll learn tara i believe in it it's an intellectual it's intellectually brilliant it's dazzling it's amazing it's so good for the brain but you know what you're missing the point you're an intellectual it's satisfying for the brain and it's it's it's good you're doing an amazing thing but you're missing the core you're missing the la cocentaire you're missing the edel kaiten taylor edelkite means refinement i want to teach great neck this word edelkite refinement edel is one of the yiddish ashkenazic when i'm learning of course there's a lot of intellect i told you terror is the source of intellect judaism is the source of rationality and it's important never to dismiss rationality i'll tell you why because it's our only defense to distinguish between cults and non-cults the moment you dismiss rationality and you say oh it's just about a moon and faith you allow a person to sometimes live in delusions and create philosophies or ideas in life that are corrupt or ridiculous or absurd so we need to use our critical mind and that's why the critical mind is so valuable in judaism to be able to distinguish truth from falsehood and it's also true in our emotional life you see everything is emotion emotion yeah but if you're feeling right now that a lion is coming through the window of your room and coming into the house right then everything has to stop i should stop giving a class and i should run away so we have to use our critical mind to be able to objectify things and be able to distinguish between objective objective facts subjective feelings and to be able to navigate it so it's so important what is more somebody who has grown up with the notion that judaism is completely non-intelligent it's based on myths religious myths there's no logic to it there's no rationality to it everything that we accept is based on blind faith which means we close our eyes and we refuse to look the only way i can begin to address such an argument is through some type of rational conversation showing that there is a huge amount of rationality in judaism in fact some of the greatest principles of judaism can be explained and proven rationally so it's very very important and when you're deciding what to do for a hanukkah family trip right i feel i feel that this is what i want you have to look at the facts and what's available and what's not available during corona this is where rationality is so valuable and important as a function of life but not as the tool to allow you to experience the essence of life and the essence of relationships the essence of relationships transcends rational logic it touches the place of the deepest infinity of the human soul which transcends logic because logic is not the beginning of existence logic is an aspect of existence it's not the genesis and core of existence logic is not infinite logic is finite like the morale of prague writes we don't call hashem god is the blessed mind god has a ma god is the creator of the mind right we say in in in tehillim the beautiful expression and to hilum in the in the melody in the song of wednesday if god creates an ear he could certainly hear if he forms an eye he could certainly see but you can't define him as an eye or an ear he can see and he can hear and he can think and can he can understand desire says you're wise but not with the no and you're the source of so the morale says that's why we call them aloof infinite sublime even beyond intellect he argues with maimonides because the rambam defines hashem in three places in hilton society says he is the knower he is the known and he's the instrument of knowledge so the morale says they should have called him the intellect blessed be they say the holy one blessed because he transcends logic the tanya says that there is no ultimate contradiction because the morale is speaking preet simpson and the rambam is speaking post symptom it's beyond the realm of this class but in in one sentence the rambam is addressing divine infinity post the restrictiveness in which infinity is compressed into finite structures beginning with and the morale is addressing divine infinity in its pure unmitigated form so to speak where there's no form and therefore no structure because logic is always about structure they say there were two students who uh who took a philosophy class in a great university i said too many there were many students who were studying philosophy at the feet of a great professor and after years and years of study they're finally going to take their last exam which will demonstrate if they failed or they passed if they can get their degree or or lose their degree forfeit their degree so they prepared for weeks and months for this exam going through all the texts and all the books and all the dissertations and all the essays and all the materials the professors prepared for them over the years they had to master everything it was so difficult it was excruciatingly painful and exhausting to go through all this material but this was the only option if you wanted to pass finally the day comes and the professor gives all the students an exam they expected an exam with 300 questions it's going to take them eight hours to answer maybe a few days instead the exam had one question and the question consisted of one word and the word was why question mark so the students see a question why question mark so they begin to answer and they write pages and pages dissertations essays to explain why why everybody failed besides two students one got an a and one got an a plus who got an a the student who wrote why he wrote one word because the second student he got an a plus why his answer was two words why not you see you see the difference everybody failed they were busy why the second the other student says why because but he didn't get it he didn't get the best mark the best mark was given to the student world why not because the one who wrote because he's not giving any reason just saying because you say why i say because but he's still stuck in the world of logic the other student why not in other words since when is why a justified question it's a justified question in a world that is dictated by logic but what about a world in reality it's not dictated by logic it comes from a place beyond logic so the question why doesn't begin not a question of wine you'll tell me why because x y and z or because of a reason i don't understand no the question doesn't begin why why not so you'll say but what do you mean our universe is based on logic there's so much logic the laws of nature the laws of nature are rational but to a certain degree ultimately every why can be questioned but why but why but why and at some point you're going to have to stop and say because anything you discuss science physics mathematics chemistry astronomy cosmology geology philosophy psychology even the basic facts of life i once saw a video somebody sent me of uh one of the greatest physicists of the last generation was richard feynman he was part of the manhattan project he was considered one of the brilliant physicists of the last generation so somebody asked him why do uh magnets when you bring two magnets together they repel each other what is this energy that you're feeling what is it why so you turn to person and say explain to me what does y mean what does why why me so he said your grandmother ended up in the hospital i said why why is she in the hospital so you'll tell me because she fell and broke her hip she said okay if you live in a culture where people know what hospitals are and how you go to hospitals that's a wonderful answer but if you live in a from another if you're in another continent or another age of history you say so why the hospitals and i have to explain what a hospital is one sec but how did she get to the hospital so now you have to explain her husband took her but why would her husband take it to the hospitals and i have to explain relationships but one second why did she slip on ice why did she slip why did she break her hip because she slipped why when you slip do you fall oh and i have to get into the laws of gravity now why do the laws of gravity work the way they do you see it all makes sense after i accept these laws of gravity when you slip you fall when you fall you break your hip why does your hip get broken when you fall ah because the body contacted the ice in that particular fashion and now you have to discuss the makeup of the body but why is the body made up that way so you'll say well this is important to the organism and the structure of the body and then there's a deeper layer and yet a deeper layer and at some point it's because he said and why do you slip on ice why do you slip on other things and now you have to explain the difference between ice and water if it expands it restricts if it expands or it shrinks why does it work that way so now you have to explain the physics of ice and the physics of water and you'll go deeper and deeper so most of us will drive us crazy why is she in the hospital because she slipped and broke her hip good but you know how many otherwise that's based on and you think you can ever end at some point the laws of nature even though they're unbelievably rational and it's probably one of the greatest proofs that there is a creator because how suddenly from chaos randomness and from random mutations that have absolutely no basis in an intelligent creator that so many rational laws come to be and they all it's not one law that happens to be rational there are scores countless rational laws and they synchronize with each other in order to create the conditions that support the existence of life on our planet and that support generally the existence of a cosmos and it's all based on laws and all science is based on laws there's no laws of nature there's no science so even the greatest atheist who's teaching or working in his lab or doing his experiments is expecting laws of nature and he's searching for them when he's unaware of them he goes into his lap every morning claiming there's no god but he's relying that there are predictable laws of nature that govern science yesterday we'll govern it today and we'll govern it tomorrow and he's aware of them and he relies on them and he trusts them and you know what he's doing he's trying to figure out more laws that we're unaware of and more patterns and they all happen randomly by mistake it's a little strange but it makes a little more sense in my mind at least to say that laws have a creator somebody created these systems so the rationality of the laws of nature are an incredible testimony to the fact that this world is not a chaotic place but ultimately at some point you're going to have to stop asking why why is this the law of nature well it allows for this to happen this way but why do we need it to happen that way well if not well so how is that a justification you'll get to why and why and when ultimately you're going to have to say because because what it's just the way it is we don't understand but then you'll have to go deeper and say because it's not rooted in a place of logic you don't understand god is not logic god created logic and therefore how do i touch god i have to touch myself i can do it with logic and this is where the greeks miss the point and here is where chanukah becomes a very personal experience i have the greek inside of me i could learn tarana i can observe mitzvahs i can teach but i'm not ready to touch the enemies of tyra the alacus of tyra the godliness of the infinity of terror for me is information that fills my brain it challenges me i get analytical i make a pill i dissect i go deeper another explanation another explanation and i create a puzzle and it's amazing and it's true it may be true may not be true it may be true but i didn't touch the tata just like in a relationship that you have with somebody i'm explaining myself and you're explaining yourself but we never looked at each other into the into our eyes and allowed our tears to merge with each other in the simple recognition that this is who i am this is who you are and our trust and connection with each other matters above all else and then logic helps us facilitate cement ferment develop and structure the aspects of our life that can be structured and one of the greatest mistakes that we can make is when we try to wrap our brains around reality this is an invitation for emotional disaster don't try to understand everything with the idea that you have to understand so much of reality is not based on our logical structures not only not based on our lives not even based on a logical structure i don't have to wrap my brains around everything i want to be able to open myself up to the infinity of reality at every moment and then my mind and my rationality should be able to be used for what it's supposed to be used those aspects of life that need the structures of logic in order to facilitate them in the best way that's where logic should be used but not as a replacement for life itself so what's the value of a mitzvah the value of a mitzvah is does a mitzvah make sense a lot of mixers make a lot a lot of sense shabbos makes sense and they could make sense until it makes sense makes sense and blessings make sense and grace after meals make sense and pesach makes sense and chanukah makes wonderful sense plenty of mitzvahs makes sense i would say 90 of judaism has amazing explanations to it rational moving transformational in terms of serenity psychology philosophy family unity peace and life a healthy lifestyle a productive lifestyle say 100 of it some things are mysteries but when you see 95 of it make so much sense it works but that's not the core that's not the essence the essence of a mitzvah is the relationship with infinity the relationship with hashem's inner self the essence of tita is not the intellect of it the essence of terror is not the pill it's not the kakira it's not the analytics it's not the intellectual compositions it's not the genius that i'm displaying those are all garments even though they're wonderful stupendous enjoy them and it's god's title and the logic of it is also god's title but the essence of it is infinity it transcends logic you're touching hashem himself hashem's essence this was very very hard for them to accept because for them the structure of logic was above all and therefore ultimately they don't last because they're not touching the essence of life the essence of life is infinity and i have to be able to open myself up i have to be able to open myself up to that in every person's life especially today we go through different challenges different curve balls different things that we don't expect you had your plans of what your marriage is going to look like what your life is going to look like what your dreams are going how your dreams are going to materialize how your children are going to grow up what type of career you'll develop how are you going to live and to learn how you're going to enjoy the future of your life we all create plans and they're beautiful and and may all of your plans and dreams be fulfilled but we all know that very often things don't happen according to that trajectory and very often when we operate on a level of logic we just go straight into the wall you know i'm on a highway and i say listen i go straight i don't go crooked i'm logical i like to think straight and you go straight the problem is the road is turning so i go straight into the hudson river god forbid or straight into a wall you have to realize now the road is turning but it's not supposed to turn logically doesn't make sense okay you may understand that you may not understand it but there comes a moment in life where if you're trying to figure everything out with your brain you're really depriving yourself from two things you're depriving yourself from a real relationship with yourself and you're depriving yourself from the opportunity to be able to tune into this experience and grow from it two things happen first of all i shoot myself in the back because i am not connecting to my real pain i'm not connecting to my real feelings i am suppressing them through fake numbers which i'm calling logic the second thing is i'm not allowing myself to grow from this experience this experience is not about logic when we confront pain we try to create structures of logic around the pain either we deny part of it we bargain with it we make sense out of it you know what i'm talking about i want it should work it should sit comfortable within me and there's a reason for that we want to own our lives we want to feel that curveballs cannot surprise us even those of us who like to be spontaneous but i want to be in control and i want to tell you something that this is one of the great traps in people's internal lives when we are compelled to make sense out of pain and to make sure that everything has a place in my brain and my soul it's a form of control i want to control god i want to control the world i want to control my family i want to control myself i want to control reality there are two things that happened in that approach number one very often a part of me dies god forbid because my inner core the inner pain has not been embraced it has not been dealt with i covered it up through logical structures but my inner vulnerability i never really embraced that's number one number two what happens is i can't really maximize the opportunity in this moment because i'm running away from the moment i'm turning the moment into some type of statue into some type of fake structure but god is mystery god is infinity there are aspects of hashem that we can fathom there's aspects of life that we love and appreciate and cherish and we want to run with it but very often our experiences in life do not try to make sense out of them you are facing the infinite mystery of reality the infinite mystery of god don't reduce the experience don't limit it don't try to have your limited brain control it and wrap itself around it and sculpture it allow yourself to look at the mystery shrug your shoulders shed a tear or start laughing and embrace the truth of the moment embrace the truth of the experience with vulnerability i want to strip myself from all the layers and all the cover-ups that i need in order to make sense out of this can i just sit with the true reality of the moment with the true reality of what i'm feeling with a true reality of experience if you can you are now going to touch god and therefore you'll touch yourself when i don't do this when i try to grasp everything with my limited mind and reduce the reality to my mind first of all i'm not dealing with what's happening inside of me i am making believe that i'm a robot i'm a computer and it may come back to bite me i may have to amputate my inner soul in order to continue to function because it's too painful you don't have to do that allow yourself to go into the place inside of you that does not need to operate on cold logic it's a failure don't be afraid of it it's rooted in infinity that's beyond logic it's fine you don't have to understand it and it can be very painful and it can shock me and it can really play with what i thought things have to look like and things are going to look like and it's easier said than done i'm talking about a very very deep emotional experience and number two again it does not allow me to touch the reality and really grow from it and really do what i'm supposed to do at this moment because i i create like this fake beautiful reality that doesn't really exist so i can be a fine person a good jew learning toyota celebrating mitzvos but the greek inside of me is the one calling the shots when i do a mitzvah what's the greatest power of the mitzvah does the mitzvah make sense 95 percent of mitzvos makes sense i don't know if you heard that piece when i went through the mitzvos but what's the power of it and enjoy it and celebrate what the power of it is the relationship itself that's the deepest component can you understand your spouse yeah are the things in your spouse you won't understand of course are there a lot of things about your spouse that you understand yeah but what's the deepest part of the relationship not that i understand you i could make sense out of you i can write an essay about my husband or about my wife that makes sense yes that's part of it it's interesting it plays a role what's the deepest part of the relationship the relationship itself essence to essence sure benefit soul to what's the power of toyota does it make sense yeah is it rational yes is it brilliant yes can you sit for years and decades and centuries and millennia and analyze every word with your brain and go deeper and deeper into the intellectual infinite brilliance absolutely but ultimately that is all a garment that is all an accessory of torah that is all a facade for toyota what is the essence of the essence of tata is divine infinity coming through all of these ideas behind every idea behind everything is divine wisdom and divine wisdom is beyond logical structure even though it's manifested through logical structures and a lot of it i can understand and appreciate intellectually today we don't have the hellenist greeks threatening us not in greece and not antiochus but what we do have is the ivani inside of me the greek inside of me who wants to make sure that my relationships are contaminated they're very limited they are affected and infected by toxicity by not allowing the full grandeur and the full glory of the connections of life to emerge and the victory of hanukkah is that was ineffective but rather the flame of this relationship the relationship between you and yourself the relation between you and your spouse you and your children you and your loved ones the relationships between all of us with each other the jewish people in the world and your relationship with hashem is one that is infinite that is pure that is non-negotiable it's unconditional it's absolute it transcends all logic even while it informs it and it inspires it thank you very much and i wish everybody a beautiful and happy and a bright hanukkah next tuesday morning there will not be a class there will not be a class next tuesday morning we will resume the week afterwards there will be a class tomorrow morning at 7 30 there will be a class thursday morning at 7 30. we will continue the mimer that we began monday on chanukah we will be producing this year as well our eight chanukah videos that will be available every day of chanukah you can come to the yeshiva.net to watch them or if you go there and you sign up to our clips on whatsapp or facebook or email or whatever it is you'll be able to get them on your phone or in your inbox so we will be having every night of chanukah a little short video and a lot of other hanukkah material on the website valueshiva.net i'm going to go to questions this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at triple w dot the 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