Woman has BIG ISSUES with her mother-in-law...

yeah hi hi good evening Rabbi this is so funny because I was just I had this question and I was just thinking oh I'd love to be able to talk to gra I Shas tab about this and now you are thank you so much for having me you manifested I am prce so um thank you so much so thank you sir so the the question is the case of the uh the golden grandchild if you will so um interesting uh my uh my and it's a question I have so my husband and I um we uh are only children uh so our children uh thank God we have a little boy a little girl boy is three and a half uh the so the so the only that the grandparents have right so you're you have a boy and a girl your boy is three and your girl is how old a little over a year and a half okay okay so both little kids very little kids yeah y both little kids and you know my uh you know my my mother-in-law is uh the type that uh you know my husband and you know has uh walked in eggshells around her you know his whole life since he's a little little kid you know I'm I'm observing this even to you know certain things that are that are unconscious that you know that I I personally observe you know I had a similar thing with with my my own mother and I think that's the reason that you know he and I S one another and get along well but I I believe that uh I believe that for myself certain things are more in the conscious realm and he's you know not not things aren't fully conscious for him about that yet but it's been a little bit progress in that direction daughters are very different than mothers and sons and very often yeah yeah so you are both only children and when you're an only child of a parent who emotionally needy you become literally everything to your parents you become everything you literally get worshiped as a god um or uh you become the devil and sometimes you know both one from one minute to the next yep depends yep yeah it depends on the situation and but here's the deal mothers and daughters are different than sons and and and and mothers because a daughter eventually kind of sees this for what it is in the same-sex parent the daughter and the mother so she kind of realizes hey like I am not the main character in your life that's not that can't be that can't be right sons and mothers uh it's a little bit trickier because a little boy does believe he is led to believe that he has this importance and it can be really difficult like extremely difficult to be told um you don't have to cater to that anymore well what do you mean I don't have to cater to it of course I do of course I do and I should tell her to jump off a bridge I'm so scared mhm mhm MH yeah I'm talking over I'm I'm so scared that it's happening to my little son which is oh that's the golden grandchild yes yes okay and uh and we both see it and uh you know since you know since since he's a baby and you know she you know she de said this is her her her Heaven this is her her her one and only and and originally when we see each first he he hides with me he doesn't want to go and then you know he has to and then well because you know they they come and visit every week and then uh and then now it's you know he he he pushes mommy and daddy away and he cries that he doesn't want us and he only cries for for for Grandma and it's and he you know doesn't follow he just it's just it really splits and he he CH you know he's he's a little boy he can't help it but I'm just so scared about the the longterm effect and you know I mean I think it's good that you know we you know as parent we're not it's not his parents but it's it's his grandparents and it's a very strong force and and you know my my you know husband is not willing you know we have to you know respect our parents you they want to come visit you know as frequently as whatever we're not going to you know interfere with that so much but it it's it's it's so frequent and I I just see such a change in his behavior and and I I'm I'm a sensitive person I I know I know where that feeling is coming from but he has to cater to those whims to get that response and and I just don't want him to grow up having this imprinted codependency model from his grandma and how that's going to shape his his future relationships with women I don't know Y no you're 100% correct y you're 100% correct and and the fact that you're saying it so bluntly like I I'm totally with you by the way like I love how you're saying just very very flat out like this will shape his future relationships with women you're 100% correct of course it will of course it will okay um so you know the the question is and I and I'm I'm afraid I know the answer to this already but I you know I have to do due diligence here right is there enough self-awareness I'm afraid I know the answer already but is there enough is there enough self-awareness that your mother-in-law can tone it down uh I I in fact I tried to venture into that a little bit today admittedly I was not in the best mood and then I got a little bit of that from her I think there there there's been a a teen a teeny sliver but not not a teeny sliver of like oh I'm being an over-the-top Grandma I should tone it down but uh you know not not like uh what what I would call a true self-awareness you know I think it's still her uh her modus operand and and Nei perhaps it goes without saying that the the the dynamic is not the same towards your granddaughter of course not of course not because it doesn't fulfill that need for her and which is what makes the whole thing so suspect you know it's like you can say that the your son is three so he's cute he talks he does stuff and your daughter is one and a half so she doesn't even do anything but still you know no it's not it's but that's not what it is it's it's she likes this little boy and I'm not saying anything I just want everyone to understand you and I both know we're not saying anything creepy right it doesn't have to be creepy to be unhealthy um yes yeah yeah so and my husband said my husband said too he's like I don't think that their Dynamic is heal healthy my yeah and um and so I guess my question is you know do do I have hope that you know just by virtue of being his mom myself you know will I be able to mitigate that somewhat that you know okay I'm probably not going to be able to you know inter quote unquote interfere or block that relationship for you know questions if I should whatever that's not on the page right now but will I be able to being different rather than that's you know the only role model yeah well the answer is yes because you ultimately are the parent and there's a special connection spiritually that a child has to a parent um they also to a grandparent but a the parent child connection is much more direct obviously not just biologically but spiritually so yes you do have a greater influence the the question is how strategic you can be in wielding that influence and and I think you're going to have to be very mindful about I mean par parenting also always always has to be mindful there always has to be a game plan uh where we're taking to account m a unique every child's unique situation and their development and their challenges um in this particular case yeah so let's talk about the personality traits that we want to make sure that your son has instead of saying negative like I don't want him to be a clingy uh codependent with an edus complex um right right let's say the positive what's the target you know how because you're raising him how are you gonna raise him yes yeah yes want him to have yes humility your sh and the sense that you know I have to you know maybe doesn't come when he's three they willing when he's older but you know I have you know certain way that I'm going to behave you know to the best of in my certain responsibilities to the best of my ability regardless of you know whatever someone else's expectations are around you know that those are my respons that's my character that's you know how I choose to behave because of who I am as a hiid and so forth and not because of someone's manipulation right one day so what you're saying is you want him to be a person who is able to be his own person make choices and not be concerned what people think yeah and obviously when we're saying make good choices we believe in a god-given absolute morality which is the sole Arbiter of what good choices mean and I'm filling that in not for you but for the other people listening just so that they know that that's what we mean okay so that's the target that's really how you're going to um how you going to raise him to be somebody who yes is not a people pleaser well I said I don't want to say the negative I want to say the positive to be somebody who is um what what let's use a let's come up with a couple positive words to describe it couple positive words for the character traits a word or two not long sentences because it loses its potency when it's a lot of words what are the traits he's um self-directed I guess this direction self-directed um self self sure yeah you know confidence um confident yeah confidence um this is a long phrase but I I I like the concept of emotionally autonomous meaning my emotional state is not a reaction to other people or or things yes yeah so that's going to be the focus and and let me let me tell you this not to comfort you although I think it will be slightly comforting that Hashem knows what he's doing and he places resistance in people's lives for a reason so it's not like this challenge is random this challenge is calling your attention to something that you're going to be very mindful about in raising your son so we'll welcome it as a as a reminder yeah amen yeah yeah it's a big Direction it it no I definitely have a clear sense of uh a lot of different things that I have to a lot of factors to be able to do that and that's to be a a longterm H project well parenting is a long-term project yeah yeah yeah yeah okay amazing L ofas from both your kids thank you thank you so much rby my pleasure okay all right hey this is shase toab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched was from you watch right here click right here here