What your TEEN really needs from you

Tonight's topic was chosen last summer. There's a a calendar that comes out. This is part of a monthly series for about of the five towns monthly lecture series that we do here. And the calendar comes out before the high holidays. So we have to have all the topics chosen before the high holidays in order to publicize them. So I knew this topic was coming since last I don't know August or September whenever it was. But everything is practice. Everything is practice. Everything is uh orchestrated from on high. So many Many people are aware that there is a daily uh study cycle of actually there's a few cycles. One of them is to study a chapter of the a day finishing the entire in three years. And the other is to to learn three chapters a day and then you finish the entire every year once a year. And then there's also another cycle of verses. Just learning the the verses as they are correspond to the three chapters a day class. So I want to tell you something very very interesting today. Um today's one. Three of them is talking about the of them. The laws of honoring your parents. And uh says something very interesting over there which is actually probably the foundation of this entire class. But I I promise you when we planned this out however many months ago neither the topic nor the date nor that day's was on my mind. Says like this. That a child has to honor their parents and it gives all these different parameters for what that means. And then in the law has the says However even though it's true that the obligation to honor the parents is upon the children and it's a massive obligation. Nevertheless from the parents' perspective the gives a little advice. It's more than advice. It's not advice. It's a law. The says that means he tells you the rule. It's based on a in I think based on but the brings us the law as a law. Also is the law there. Also means forbidden. Upon whom? On the parent to make a heavy burden on their child. That doesn't negate the fact that technically on paper it's true. The parent on paper is entitled to certain treatment. That's that's the Nevertheless says the also bid all of all of it is forbidden to actually all of all of it is forbidden to put a heavy yoke you know like an animal like a piece of burden has a yoke on his back. It's forbidden for the parent to put a heavy yoke on his children all of and to be meticulous to be exacting about expecting the honor that the child is we're not negating the fact the child is obligated to give that honor but from the perspective of the parent the parent should not be should not be overly meticulous to demand that honor. Why not? He gives a reason. Should I that he shouldn't cause the child to stumble in other words you're setting them up to fail. Rather what should you do? You all You should forego. You should be you should forgive. You should let it go. You know what that means? Pretend you don't know. Turn a blind eye. Ignore. Ignore. You didn't hear it. You didn't hear the insult. [laughter] And then he tells you Sure I've all of them. Because a father and also a mother who foregoes the honor that is due to them and the honor is due to them. All of The honor is officially He's uh He lets it go. He lets it slide. [sighs and gasps] So here's here's that's today's and it's also brought in the order in the order here today. Someone ration them. And he brings almost for the words of the one. Almost almost for a couple couple words different. So here's if you want to hear the whole speech the two minute version. Here's the two minute version. The requires an enormous amount of honor from a child to show to a parent. An enormous amount of honor. And any parent who actually exacts that from their child is making a big mistake. Somebody said to me recently he heard a different talk that I gave about parenting. He says you know it's very nice how you stand up for the kids. The kids need to be understood. They need compassion. They need empathy. What about the parents? What about the parents? They also you know a little a little empathy for me. So I told the guy You heard my talk right? He said yeah I heard it. I said how many teenagers do you think heard my talk? I can tell you something. I teach in seminary. I'm not sure why I do. Those are even like not even teenagers. There's like like post post teenagers. They don't listen to me. I'm telling you they don't listen to me. I don't think there's any teenagers coming to listen to me. So if I had a big I'm not big with the teens. I don't know. Maybe if I played an instrument or something but if I had a teen following maybe I would speak to the teen perspective. And I would tell them about their side of the deal. But if I'm talking among us adults us parents what's it going to help? If I rile you all up and I tell you you think your kid is with me it's worse than you think. You think he's obligated to this level? Oh no he's even more obligated and the fact that he doesn't do it it's even more of an affront than you realized. So what what what good is that going to do? I'm talking to us parents. And uh from our perspective what's our job? Is to find it in our heart to be as compassionate and gentle from our with our children as possible. And does that mean that you're not going to get the enormous amount of honor due to you according to yeah that that's exactly what it means. You're going to forego that. You're going to forego that even though according to you are well within your rights to demand it. But you know what they say? You want to be right or do you want to be happy? By the way this applies with marriage as well. I could give the whole speech about marriage as well. You know you could take out your and show it to your spouse and say look what it says. Look what you're supposed to do. And you may be well within your rights. You on paper it may be true. But it doesn't bode well for a relationship with a human being. People don't tend to like that kind of uh that kind of treatment. So that's the short version of tonight's talk. Um I'll tell you a story about a teenager. He was 17 years old and he had been through a lot. He was didn't have a good relationship with his with his siblings. In fact, they wanted to kill him. They almost killed him. And then in the end, they sold him into slavery. And you know I'm talking about? You saw the musical. Yeah, I know. It is a musical. Yeah. Anyways, uh so Yesuf Atsadiq, Joseph, he he had a hard life, you know, uh one day he's out in the field shepherding with his father and everything's beautiful and they're philosophizing and they're they're studying the secrets of the universe together. That's why they like to hang out in the the patriarchs like to hang out in the field so they could philosophize and think. And he's living this slow-paced idyllic life. And then the next day he's his own brothers turn on him. He's sold into slavery. He goes to this crazy place. I mean, Egypt was just corrupt and he goes from living in a total rural area to this metropolis, this bustling metropolis and it's it's full of all types of lewdness and then over there he's uh he's a slave and then he's exposed to all types of uh temptation and he's he's a very very handsome young man and everyone notices. That's the first thing everyone notices about him and he's getting all this attention. This attention for his his looks. And you know, you think about this. Here's a kid ripped away from his home, from the stability of his home. He's been through hell. Really, he's been through hell. And I'm not trying to humanize the obvious and I'm not trying to psychologically analyze. I'm that's far be it for me, but I'm saying is if we could relate to the story for ourselves, just for our own use, to try to put ourselves I'm not trying to put Yesuf into our psychology, but I'm trying to put our psychology into his story and say, you know, how would you feel if that were your situation? You're young, your life is totally destabilized, you're in a place of rampant temptation, um you have nothing. You're a slave, so you have no rights and you have no no respect and the only attention you're getting is for your physical appearance and people think you're beautiful and these people don't have very good morals and very good boundaries. And you know, you can imagine that combination of factors and and you're 17 years old. You know, you can imagine that combination of factors how that wouldn't really, you know, that wouldn't really go too well. You wouldn't want a 17-year-old to be in a situation like that. And uh so it's interesting we're learning the Gemara Sota right now. There's a there's a minig to learn the 49th page tractate. So, there's 49 days of the Omer, the counting of the Omer. So, there's a custom every day of the Omer to learn another page. This comes later. It's I think DAF LAMED VAV. So, it's like uh week and a half before uh Shavuot. It's a little it's it's for sure it's after Lag BaOmer. At any rate, so there's a there's the aggadata over there that uh speaks about the tells this story about Yesuf. And it says it came to a point of it was just too it was too difficult for him and he had a lot of rationalizations and he said, you know, who who's going to know and his his master's uh wife was was pursuing him for an illicit relationship. And uh he had all these rationalizations. Who's going to know and you know, how bad is it when I you know, I'm I'm a slave. It's not like I'm a classy person. It's not like I I'm a respect a respectable person. I've nothing really to lose. I don't have a reputation over here. Uh and uh so he he's about to succumb. At least in the like it's Rabin Shmuel, but at any rate, at least according to one understanding of the story, he's about to succumb. And what stops him? Uh he he sees this is what the Gemara says. He sees the image of his father. He sees the image of his father, Yaakov Avinu, Jacob, our patriarch. And and then he's able to he's able to stop. And it's it's a it's a it's an interesting story like again, I'm not trying to humanize Yesuf's story. I I I can't psychologically analyze the obvious, but I I'm just saying if I were to try to put myself in that position and try to relate to that feeling of being a totally destabilized, broken, uh downtrodden, uh young person who's totally disconnected from anything that he's ever known, um full of pain. I mean, your brothers tried to kill you. They turned on you. They hated you to that degree. Um you're you're the you're the you're the the lowest level of society. Um you're all of a sudden you're being exposed to all this stuff, this confusing stuff. And then you have an opportunity for some type of comfort or distraction. The easiest comfort and distraction, physical pleasure, um and attention. Someone's giving you attention. Somebody's liking you, even if it's for a very shallow reason, but they're liking you. They're validating you. And it's an escape. It's an escape. And and it seems so reasonable that that would be almost an inevitability that the 17-year-old is going to succumb and yet he doesn't. And what stops him? What are we told stops him? He sees the image of his father. Why is this what stops him? So, I'll tell you a couple a couple of explanations that I heard and they're both I think really informative. One of them is from the uh the Emesly Yaakov of Yaakov Kamenetsky. And he says something just very it's like obvious after you hear it, but he says, can you imagine the relationship that Yaakov Avinu must have cultivated with his son, with Yesuf, in order that the image of him should give him that power to refrain from sin? In other words, it's in a context. It's in a context. It's not out of nowhere. You can infer from this story that their connection must have been pretty tight. There must have been a pretty strong bond. And Yesuf must have felt that his father's presence was meaningful to him. I mean, it's not his real father. It was an image of his father. What what's it's an image. What's what's the image going to do? Can't tackle you. He can't do anything. It it it was the meaning, what it represented to him, that this relationship was significant enough to him that it stopped him. It gave him the power to overcome. So, you know, from this you you you can learn that the greatest power that a parent has in adding to the moral strength of their child is cultivating enough of a connection that when your child thinks of you, that gives them strength. That's something that means something to that. Cuz otherwise, why why would it give him that push? You know, there's a there's a saying in education which I I hate. I don't hate it, but I hate that it's true. Which is people I'll tell you why I hate that it's true. People don't care what you know until they know that you care. It's totally true and it's not fair. Because really, as long as I'm saying something true, that should be good enough. But in reality, you can say things that are true and if people don't think that you're compassionate, people don't think that you relate to them, if people don't think that you have their best interests at heart, they won't listen to you even though everything you're saying is true. You know that? It's very frustrating. What what difference does it make if I'm a nice guy? What difference does it make if I've invested in the relationship? I said something true, you should accept it. And you know what? On paper, that's 100% true. But in reality, human beings don't work that way. Human beings don't work that way. In fact, human beings will take into account more the emotional significance of the relationship than the intelligence of the person who's delivering the message to the extent that when they feel loved and accepted by somebody, they'll even listen to and believe stupid things that that person tells them. In contrast, somebody can be saying the smartest things in the world, but if you don't feel that they care about you, you dismiss it. It's not fair, but that's human nature. So, imagine, again, NOT TO HUMANIZE THE OBVIOUS, BUT TO PUT OURSELVES IN THAT situation so we can learn something from it for ourselves. Imagine you as a father having that power that when your child is in a moment of of moral crisis and he has every reason emotionally to not be able to overcome it, that thinking about you is what strengthens him to to be able to overcome. That didn't come out of nowhere. That must mean that there's a lot of currency in that relationship. And that currency must have come through investing time and effort and it's it was conversations that you had and it was experiences that you shared. Otherwise, out of the blue, it's not going to make a difference. Maybe even to the contrary. Oh, there's that judgmental jerk here to guilt me. I'll show you how bad I am. But the fact again, it was just an image. The fact that the image had that psychological effect, you're talking about a father who really connected to his child. So, that's that's one perspective. I'll tell you another I'll tell you another explanation of that same story. And it's not in contradiction, actually, one complements the other. They they build on each other. The Torah tells us that when when Joseph resisted, actually uses a word Vayamoin. Vayamoin means he refused. And if you know uh the cantillation marks, the trop, it has a shalsheles, which means a chain, shaped like a chain. And it's sung uh like a double pause there. It's like a very dramatic uh contralto. I think that's the technical word for Oh, this is great. Thank you, Rabbi Shika Heim. So, he refused. Vayamoin. Vayamoin, you know, like like dramatic. It was a big It was a big deal. What I'm saying is it wasn't wasn't like uh nah. It was like [laughter] He really had to he had to struggle. Took a lot of effort. So, I heard from the Mashpia, Rabbi Wolf Greenblatt, alav hashalom, but it's a name it's in the name of the Tamei Rabbi Shamtov, that Vayamoin, Joseph refused, is is an acronym. It's a roshei teivos. Vayamoin is Vayar Joseph Mares Aviv Negdai, which means and Joseph saw the image of his father in front of him. I'm going to say that. I know, you told me that's the Gemara. Say to the devil, I'm in the above. Um he saw the image of his father. Yeah. It's a little deeper than that. Vayar Joseph Mares Aviv Negdai. And Joseph saw the image of his father in front of him. You got to translate it a little bit differently. Not an image of his father, but an image of himself held by his father. Mares Aviv Negdai means he saw himself at that moment the way his father saw him. So, at the moment of moral challenge, moral crisis, and he needed strength. What gave him strength? He had a glimpse of how his father saw him. And when he saw himself the way his father saw him, he knew he was strong enough to overcome. Incredible idea here. That the way we look at our children gives them a self-concept, which they bring with them even when we're not there to tell them the right thing to do. Joseph was far away from his father, but his father had implanted within him a self-concept. Think about how powerful that is, to teach somebody how to have an accurate opinion of their own greatness. Because when you teach somebody who they are, when you literally give somebody their identity in a positive way, you gave them their identity? That's that's that's huge. You told someone who they are? There's a saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." So, think about it. Wherever you go, there you are. You bring you with you, for better or for worse. If a parent taught you that what you are is strong and good and capable, you bring that with you into all of the situations of life, into every challenge. So, let's go back to where we started from. Let's go back to where we started from. Our children are obligated, according to the Torah, to honor us. No question. The question is, why should I care? Why is that significant to me? Because I don't want unruly children who are disrespectful, and I want them to treat me properly. That's that's the game plan? You don't want to be I don't know I don't know how to say this without sounding cynical, but who in the world signs up for parenthood thinking that, "Well, it's a good thing we're religious Jews because my child will be obligated to honor me, and then parenting will be so pleasurable. It'll be a really great way to get some honor." Okay, I don't I don't think anyone has ever been that deluded to say, "You know, I got a You know, honey, I got an idea how we could get a lot of honor. [laughter] Let's have a bunch of kids, and then we'll tell them what it says in Shulchan Aruch how they're obligated to honor us. One of the 10 Commandments. And if they don't remember, we'll we'll remind them. And then we're going to get a lot of honor, and life's going to be really pleasurable and sweet." [laughter] Yeah. Okay. So, I don't think anyone's deluded enough to think that that's a good plan. Yeah. Why does it matter that my child is obligated to honor me? [sighs] Not cuz I need it. Trust me, if I need honor, there are there are many better ways to get honor than being a father. The reason it's important that my child has these mitzvahs of honoring his mother and father, and really all the mitzvahs, it's not for my benefit, not to make my life easier. Like I said, do you know you know the best way to make your life easier? Don't be a parent at all. That's the best way to make your life easier. By the way, if you want to extend the logic, you know how you know how to have the easiest life? Is never to be born. That's the really That's the If you want to have the best life possible, just don't be born. No if, lay lo adam she lo nived. I mean, this is [snorts] Yeah. So, these mitzvahs are not for me, they're for my child. It's not for my honor, it's for my child's fulfillment to grow up and to be a mensch. And here's the thing, the minute I start thinking about this relationship in terms of my emotional needs, I miss the whole point. I miss the whole point. Even kibbud av v'eim, even my child's mitzvah to honor me, was not given in order to fulfill my emotional needs. Like I said, again, I don't want to sound cynical, but if I'm trying to meet my emotional needs, there's a lot easier ways to do it than to have kids and hope that they're going to treat you the way the Torah tells them to treat you. The mitzvahs are not for me. It's not for my honor, it's not for my well-being. It's for my child. So, here's the message. We are not here as parents to get anything from our children. We're not here to receive anything from them. Not even the honor that Torah tells them that they have to show us. It's Again, it's not for me, so I'm not here to get that from them. Oh, I'm going to have to try to teach them how to do that, just like I have to try to teach them how to do a lot of things, like don't steal, and learning how to pray, and to meditate, and to uh how to make blessings before they they eat, and thank God, and be grateful for the gifts they're given. There's a lot of things I have to teach my child. But that's not for me. That's not to meet my emotional needs. And the minute I think that any of this is about meeting my emotional needs, I completely miss the point. And worse than that, not only do I miss the point, I poison [snorts] the entire relationship, and I rob my child of having the emotional stability of a real parent. Cuz now I'm trying to get instead of give. It's a one-way street. We're here to give to our children. Is it fair? No, I didn't say it's fair. And to those parents who say, "But it's it's like what about me? What about I'm also human being. What about my feelings? What about my needs?" And my answer is, "You're right. I ALSO HAVE THAT COMPLAINT. But your your relationship with your child is not THE PLACE WHERE YOU'RE EVER going to meet your emotional needs." I had a clip that went out to on social media last week. It was actually a a clip from uh remember uh Mrs. Pevsner, the thing we did in the the Evergreen, remember? Back in what is it, July or whatever. So, last week, a clip from that talk went up on Instagram. It had 31,000 views. I was shocked. I never had so many views before. viral. Oh, you know about it? I guess everybody knows about it. Okay. 31,000 views. What what was what was the clip? a buzz in the summer. Hm? It was a It was a buzz back in the summer, but then somebody made a 90-second clip out of it, and then it became in 1 week, 31,000 people. I never had so much reaction to one thing. What what was the clip? I said, and it was really an offhand remark. It wasn't even my main point. That the worst form of abuse, I think that's why it got so many clicks, cuz it's like a a you know, it's a an inflammatory word. I said the worst form of abuse is uh parents who try to use their children to meet their own emotional needs. And it's the worst form of abuse, because it's the most insidious. Because a parent who abuses their child, God forbid, in ways that are obviously abusive. So, the child grows up, and they say, "Well, that wasn't right. That wasn't right. That was abusive. My My parent was using me, was hurting me. That That was wrong." But then there's something that doesn't ever get recognized as abusive. It doesn't get recognized as an inversion of the parent-child relationship. And that is where the parent is using the child to meet unmet emotional needs. And the child grows up, and they're not even really sure if that if that was wrong, or if it's appropriate for them to have negative feelings about it. You know, maybe it was Maybe I'm just being a a wimp. Maybe it was okay. I don't know. I mean, why should it bother me? And you know, there are there are technical terms for this inversion of the parent-child relationship. One of them is enmeshment. Enmeshment means that uh the child is becoming used by the parent for their own for their own emotional fulfillment. Sometimes they call parentification of the child, or the the parent is using the child as a little therapist, or a best friend, As a pawn. Or sometimes as a pawn. Yeah. Yeah, they're being manipulated as a go-between, or sometimes as just um as the shoulder to cry on, where the parent is is doing a lot of oversharing, and either saying explicitly or implicitly that their their well-being is dependent on the child's behavior. And it's absolutely abusive, because um that's not what children are for. That's not what our children Yes, our children have a mitzvah to honor us. That's true. But it's not for our benefit. It's for theirs. So, the idea that because I have a mitzvah called kibbud av v'eim, I'm now going to religiously justify using my child, it's it's a corruption of the parent-child relationship. It's a corruption of a beautiful mitzvah. It's a it's It's just It's so wrong in so many ways, spiritually, practically, emotionally. There's another term for it, which is even more inflammatory, and I I hesitate to use it, but I think sometimes it's necessary just to to impress upon people what we're talking about. There's a There's an expression covert incest, or emotional incest, where a parent will usually a parent who's not fulfilled in their own marriage will take a child and use them as like a like an adult friend. And without crossing any lines that are obviously abusive, that we would all say is totally taboo, right? But it messes people up for life. Uh not to say a person can't overcome it. People do overcome it. But think about how much of a mountain you're giving somebody to climb when you're putting them in that situation. Think about it like this. If a parent gives to a child selflessly, and builds that child up, what have you given the child? You've given them a sense of self. Like Yosef got from his father. His father gave to him a sense of self. He knew he was good. He knew he was strong. He knew he could say no. He was He was a mensch. Now, imagine if instead of giving your child a sense of self, [snorts] you're trying to steal from the child a sense of self for you. And now your child doesn't even know who they are. You know, there's that old Kotzker vort. Right? The Kotzker said, "As ich bin ich, weil du bist du. Du bist du, weil ich bin ich. Ich bin nicht ich, und du bist nicht du." Right? You heard this? If I am I because you are you, and you are you because I am I. I'm not I, and you are not you. In other words, if I have no sense of self, but I try to find a simulated sense of identity through the context of a dysfunctional relationship, right? I hate myself, but maybe if you love me, I'll be worthy of life, right? That kind of formula for disaster. So, when I have no sense of self, and I try to find myself in my relationship with someone else, what am I doing? I'm not me, cuz I have no sense of self, and I'm not letting you be you, because I'm not interested in you. I'm taking I'm trying to get myself. I'm trying to get my own validation. Now, that's sick when any two people do that to each other. Now, imagine a parent, who your whole job is to give the child their sense of self, and instead of giving them a sense of self, you're trying to get your own sense of self from them. So, then what happens? They go out into the world. They don't know who they are. They don't have boundaries. They don't think they're allowed to have boundaries. They don't know how to say no. They're they're pathological people pleasers. They don't know how to find healthy relationships. They don't even know they have the right to such a thing. Forget the fact they don't have a model for it, but they don't even think they have the right to such a thing. Now, I'm not saying that all parents are committing uh covert incest or enmeshment, or I'm not God forbid. I don't think that that's rampant. I don't think it's rampant. I think it's all too common. I think it's all too common. And if one person hears this and says, "Oh, shoot. I should probably try to meet my emotional needs elsewhere," then I'm glad I said it, okay? But I I I'm not I'm not saying that everybody is to this extreme. Most of us are not to this extreme. That's what makes it an extreme. But there's a spectrum. There's a spectrum. And on a subtle level, on a subtle level, when I'm looking to my relationship with my child as anything other than a totally selfless giver, I'm robbing my child. I'm robbing them of the strongest asset that they could take with them into life, which is a strong sense of self. So, let's talk about the more benign ways that we try to take from our children. You know, somebody was talking to me the other day about a guy who's saying it very dismissively. He was saying that this guy, well, you know, he he got divorced and he married a trophy wife. And I think everyone's heard that. And it's a very crass expression, but I think everyone knows what that is. So I It happened to be this person who told me this is somebody that I speak with about parenting and I said, "That's crass, yeah, but how come no one ever talks about a trophy child?" They talk about somebody using a spouse or an intimate partner as a badge, as a way of getting social status, and we all sort of agree that that's shallow. How come there's no term for trying to do that with your own children? You know what my theory is? You know what my theory is why there's no term for it? It's just so normalized. It's so accepted. Of course, my children owe it to me not to embarrass me. Of course, my children owe it to me to be part of my image maintenance team. You know, they they they work for my PR team. What are people going to think of me? I'm not saying that there's something evil about a parent having that thought. To the contrary, I think it's very human to have that thought. It's extremely human to have that thought. It would almost be unnatural not to have that thought. What I'm saying is being a parent means letting yourself know that that's not a healthy thought. It's not a legitimate avenue to go down. Yeah, I understand. I have an ego. My ego likes recognition. It likes positive attention. I will use anything to get recognition and positive attention, even my children. That's natural. But I have to be able to stop myself and say, "I can't do that to this child." Because think about it. When I'm using my child to meet my emotional needs, not only am I reversing the entire flow of the relationship, which is supposed to be a giver relationship from me to them, but I'm taking away from them their future ability to go into other relationships and in other situations and be strong and confident and to be able to believe in themselves. Because instead of giving them a strong sense of self, I've been trying to take my sense of self from them. You understand how I mean I know it's so common and so universal that almost sounds like I'm a lunatic for ranting this way. Like, what does he want from us? What's the What's the problem? Isn't this what every generation does? And you know what? If that's true, let's say for argument's sake that's what every generation has done. Doesn't mean that it should be perpetuated. Mashiach is coming. This we know. This we know. Mashiach is coming. So sooner or later every family line is going to heal. One way or another, right? One way or another, every family line has to heal. Do you know what the last prophecy given to the Jewish people through the prophets and recorded in our Bible happens to be? Just so happens to be? The last message that's given as recorded prophecy. It's a Messianic prophecy. It's about Elijah the prophet coming on the eve of the redemption. And what's he going to do? Says, "Veheishiv leiv avos al baneihim." He's going to return the hearts of the parents to their children. And then, as a response to them to that, then "Baneihim al avosam." Reciprocally, the children to their parents. The last prophecy that we were given, the message that we're supposed to hold on to, is that there was going to come a time when finally we're going to heal all the dysfunction, all the intergenerational trauma. We're going to put it all to rest. And you know how it's going to happen? The hearts of the parents will return to the children, and then the hearts of the children will return to the parents. Not the other way around. Not the other way around. And I see it. I see in this generation something is happening that may be unprecedented. That parents are looking more deep into their role as parents and and more introspectively, more soulfully. And it's not just the same old line of "Well, I said so." Or "Never promised you that life is fair." I mean, we we we don't mind saying that to our children. "I never promised you that life is fair." But there's a certain maturity I think that's happening where parents are finally able to say that line on themselves. Like say it to yourself. Life isn't fair. You know what that means, life isn't fair? That's such a platitude, it doesn't sound like anything. Let me Let me make it hit where it counts. Life isn't fair means you can totally sacrifice your peace of mind, your health, your time, your body, your hours, everything your dreams, everything, so that these little people in your house can be comfortable, and not only will they never acknowledge and appreciate how you completely sacrificed yourself so that they could be comfortable, but they're going to have the nerve to go out and find their own way in life and figure things out for themselves and do things you don't like and do things that scare the hell out of you without any feeling that they owe it to you to not give you a nervous breakdown. Just because you sacrificed your entire life for them. Yeah. That's what it means life isn't fair. We have no problem telling it to kids life isn't fair. Let's tell it to ourselves, life isn't fair. And I didn't have children in order to have people who are going to meet my needs, and it wasn't a clever plan on how to get more honor. It's the exact opposite of that. It's an opportunity to really be selfless. To really be selfless. And to completely take care of the needs of somebody else. So the title of the talk was what do your teenagers need from you? I'm going to tell you what they need from you. I'm going to tell you what they need from you. They need to know that you are dependable, that you're there for them. They need to know that you're safe. They need to know that your relationship with them is unconditional. That's what they need from you. What do they get from that? They grow up to be strong, confident people who can actually go out and conquer the world. Every child is a soul. Every soul came to the world to do something unique during its embodiment. However many years, months, days, hours that embodiment will last. And one of the biggest factors, if not the biggest factor, that's going to influence how well that soul is able to achieve its purpose this time around in this world is the treatment that it receives from its primary care caretakers during its formative years. So a little soul comes into the world and doesn't have a sense of being stable and safe, and doesn't get that from the adults in his or her life. Okay, so you can well imagine how that plays itself out. A child is going to grow up like Yossef and know that he has strength and he has self-respect and he has values. That's a child who was given that by parents who were not trying to meet any personal need through having children. So let me let me let me try to describe it like this. You look at a baby and the baby everybody fawns over. Everybody says, "Oh, how cute." Let me show you the baby pictures. Right? Most babies look the same. I hate to say it, but most babies look the same. But everyone else though, you know, Right? And well, and we love it and we love to look at babies, love to play with babies. What [snorts] what what's the attraction with babies? Now, you you if you want to be, you know, you could you could you could say, "Well, there's an evolutionary advantage because babies are helpless, so yeah, you could say that." But uh Give me a spiritual reason. Let's go deeper than that. Let's give us give ourselves a little bit more credit, hm? Not their innocence? The innocence? Yeah, but you know, here's the thing. It's not just that we don't fault babies. You know, that's because of their innocence. So, they cry in the middle of the night, we don't blame them because they're innocent. But it's much more than that. We're like we fawn over them. We're we're we're proud of them. What are you proud of? Cuz he made in his diaper? He didn't do anything. Like what are you oohing and ahing about, right? [sighs] So, I thought about this. There's only two times, generally speaking, in a person's lifetime where they automatically get a free pass and everyone says good things about them. So, one time is when you're a baby, people will say, "Oh, he's so wonderful." You didn't do anything, but everyone says you're wonderful. And then what? After you die. Right? So, then everyone So, after somebody die, "Oh, he was a tzaddik. He was He was Okay." So, And by the way, for that, you can't even explain that. It's like there's an evolutionary advantage to it. So, I don't even know what the naturalist explanation to that would be. But I have an explanation and I think I think it's I think it's fairly logical. A person, like I said before, is a soul. The soul came to the world. Came to the world for a mission. Um but what's that old saying? We're not human beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having a human experience. So, we're spiritual beings. We're actually eternal beings. We existed before the world was created. [clears throat] And then we visit the world for a period of embodiment. And uh what happens is we start being mis-identified. We start being ID'd as our bodies. And what I mean by our bodies? I don't just mean tall, short, you know, fat, thin. Uh I I mean all the stuff that comes with the body. You know, smart, that you know, just the wiring, the way our brains are made or, you know, uh socially outgoing, you know, different things that come with having a whole uh a body and uh the whole uh biochemistry and uh you you you you neural wiring, all all the stuff that we call a personality. But you know, it's uh the trappings of of physical embodiment. And you become known for that. That and you know yourself for that. That becomes your your your identity. And if you luck out and you have a you have one that's generally considered appealing, that'll get you far in life. And if not, then, you know, you have greater challenges in life. And uh and if your parents don't particularly like your personality or the way that your embodiment expresses itself, then, you know, for sure you're you're going to have some major insecurities, right? But all of that, what I'm saying to you, that that's not the real you. The real you was your soul. But people forgot about your soul and they started identifying you with these [sighs] secondary, almost accidental traits of embodiment. There's only two times when people, generally speaking, remember that we are more than just our embodiment. And that's either when you just got here or you just left. So, babies just came to the world. So, you kind of even if you don't articulate it that way, you you you're sensitive to the fact that this little being came from another world, you know? And then when people pass away, you're you're cognizant of the fact that they they've moved on to or they've returned to to to another world. So, what happens when people see us as spiritual, eternal beings? They like us and they think we're wonderful. And when they see us as transient, transitory, temporary, physical beings, then they have nothing but judgment for us. Even best case scenario where you luck out and they judge you mostly favorably, right? But even that's such pressure to live with. Pressure of having to continue to earn people's approval. And and the other eventuality, if you don't earn people's approval, so then that's that's a terrible burden to carry through life. But that's not me. That's not the real me. That's not my soul. If you if you would know my soul, you would you would have a totally different opinion of me. You would have a totally different value of me. So, here's what I want to tell you. It is the job of parents [snorts] not to be fooled by the child's embodiment. And that just like when your child was a baby, you were aware that there's something special and there's a gift here and this this is a gift. I didn't make this child. I mean, this is beyond something I didn't can't go to the workshop and make one of these. This is this is a miracle. Right? This is from This is sent from from beyond. And just like we had that feeling of this child is wonderful and they didn't do anything and they didn't earn your acceptance and they didn't earn your validation. You didn't tell your baby, "You know what? You can't even talk. How can I know if I like you? Grow up, learn to carry a conversation, we'll go out for coffee and I'll find out if I like you." You didn't No one said that, right? No one No one No one would say that to a child. To a baby. Why? Because with a baby, you understand they don't need to be able to carry on a conversation to have value because you're seeing them as a soul and a soul has intrinsic value. So, here's what I'm telling you. When this baby grows up and now they're a teenager and they have their own personality. And maybe you'd like their personality, maybe you don't like their personality. Maybe you like the choices they're making, maybe you don't like the choices they're making. You know what? A teen- A teenager is a very funny thing. They're they're they're not children anymore, so you can't grab them and force them to do what you want them to do, but they're not adults, so they're not exactly wise enough to make the best decisions. They're very dangerous. It's a very dangerous in-between state and you and and they're figuring life out and sometimes they're learning from mistakes and and it can be unnerving, more than unnerving, it could be terrifying because you care for your child's welfare, you care for their safety. And here's what I want to tell you. The same way you were able to look at a baby, and the same way God forbid someone passes away, you're able to see them. That's how we have to look at people in the in-between times, during the embodiment. And even during the awkward phase of embodiment called the adolescent years, where most people are unlikable. It's true. It's You have You never met No one met teenagers here? Like I don't understand why was that like People are looking at me like I said something wrong. It's not a known fact that most teenagers are insufferable? Did I Did I say Did I say something wrong? I mean, It's it's it's a true thing. I mean, it's it's it's I'm not not putting down teenagers. It's an awkward time in life. It's an awkward time in life. You know, there's They say that there there was three simple Jews and they went to shul and they heard the Torah reading about the Akedah, when Abraham was going to sacrifice Isaac. And afterwards they were talking and they were trying to figure out how old do you think Isaac was when his father was going to sacrifice him. So, they were simple Jews, they didn't know. They They One of them said, "I I don't know. I mean, I think he was probably a little kid. He must have been like 5 years old cuz his father was just able to, you know, tell him to go and he listened." Yeah, okay, maybe 5 years old. Then another one said, "No, no, no. But remember the part where he carries the wood? I mean, he carried wood, he must have been a man. He was like 40 years old." And then the third one said, "You know what, guys? Probably like right in between that. He's probably a teenager." And the other two said, "No, no. He couldn't be a teenager cuz if he would have been a teenager, then it wouldn't have been a sacrifice to slaughter him." Okay. So, what I'm saying is like this. You don't have to pretend teenagers are likable, but you do have to realize as their parent that they're the same soul. The same soul as before their embodiment, the same soul they will be after their embodiment. And what that means is that irrespective of how you like their [snorts] behavior and their appearance and their demeanor, forget that. That's all about how you are feeling about it. That's all about your feelings. Forget that. Let's talk about objective truth. This child is a soul. And that means that they are intrinsically worthy, unconditionally worthy, and infinitely worthy. So, three things that I talk about in the parenting course. [sighs] That a soul, and therefore every child, is intrinsically worthy, unconditionally worthy, and infinitely worthy. Intrinsically worthy means their worth comes from within. They don't have to go out and do something to get it. Doesn't have to be acquired. Unconditional means they can't lose it. There's nothing they can do to lose their worth. Which is related to intrinsic, that it's built in. And it's infinite. Infinite means how worthy are they? There's no number for it. And if you really want to be philosophical, infinity is not only that which cannot be detracted from, infinity is that which cannot be added to, either. If you want to be philosophical for a moment, because infinity really there's nothing you can do to make it less, but there's nothing you can do to make it any more than it is already. So, the real value of a soul can't be lost, but it can't even be embellished. It's already as great as it could possibly be. I was This morning, I was with a group at the Ohel. I do that quite often. Um Baruch Hashem, since coming to the Five Towns, it's one of the things I've been had the merit to be involved in, probably at this point, probably over 100 groups. And it's something I'm very happy to do. Last night, somebody called me, I think at 8:00 p.m. He said, "We're coming in from Toronto tomorrow." And in fact, he told me, "We're landing at Teterboro." And I said, "Listen, I don't know who else you're calling to set up your trip, but don't everyone here knows Teterboro is where the private jets land? So, if you want to get a break on anything, like don't mention you're landing in Teterboro." He's like, "Oh, yeah, you're right. You know, that's" Please, you know, just LaGuardia. Just say it's LaGuardia. Don't Okay? Anyways, so they came from Teterboro, and they came to the Ohel. And um so they I I had 10 minutes to speak to them. I had 10 minutes to speak to them. So, uh what am I going to tell them about going to the Ohel? [laughter] They said, "Speak about a relationship with the Rebbe, and going to the Rebbe's resting place, and writing to the Rebbe in 10 minutes." Amen. Yeah, 10 minutes. And that took one of the 10 minutes, so then it was nine. Yeah. So, I said, um that I had a teacher who, when he was 13 years old, he I mean, this was in the back in the the 1950s, when every 13-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy had Yechidus, had a private audience with the Rebbe. So, which is crazy, if you think about it. So, he asked, huh? Who was the teacher? Reb Sholom Ezagui. So, he asked his teacher, who was Reb Yoel Kahn, Ohel u'Sholom, "When I go in the Yechidus, how am I supposed to conduct myself?" So, Reb Yoel, you know, in the classic, you know, harsh, Russian, gruff style, he says, "Forget it, I'll go instead of you." So, he's like, "No, I'm just asking. When I go in the Yechidus, in private audience with the Rebbe, how do I conduct myself?" He says, "No, no, I'll go instead of you." So, he's like, "I'm just asking. How am I supposed" He says, "Listen to me. Gantz Olam Hu Kulo Al Ma D'Shikra. This world, the physical world, is a false world. Normally, when we say that, we mean things aren't what they seem, that we see things, and we we buy into the delusion that there's creation without creator, right? That's what we mean when we say the world is a false world. But, um that's not how Reb Yoel meant it in that context. What he meant was the physical is a false world. It in It means that in this world, where you're embodied, you don't see your true self. So, the falsehood means you're divorced from your own true identity, the soul. And you play a role, and you go through life. People think you're something, and you even think that you're something, and it's not really who you are. So, Reb Yoel says to the Bar Mitzvah boy, he says, "In this world of falsehood, there's one Daled Amos, one four cubits, meaning one little compartment of Amos. There's one place where you are the real you. And in the one place where you are the real you, you're asking me how to behave?" So, I told them, "You're going into the Ohel, to the Rebbe's resting place, which is Yechidus. It's a one-on-one meeting." That's what the Rebbe said. The Rebbe said going to He said about his father-in-law's resting place, that it's a one-on-one meeting. So, I said, "One-on-one meeting with the Rebbe is an opportunity to be seen for who you really are." And, you know, if you ever met anyone who even went by the Rebbe for dollars, for half a second, what do they What do they say? It's like, "I felt someone really saw me. I felt seen." Right? So, what are you going to see? Okay, you're not going to see that, because it's very different going into the Ohel than going by for dollars. But, what you see is irrelevant here. What's really important is how you are seen. And what's happening is you're being seen for your real self. When you go into the Ohel, and you present yourself to a tzaddik, who's a loving father, who sees you for who you really are, then you leave from that interaction feeling empowered to live up to that. Okay? I didn't want to make this about Yechidus, and Ohel, and Rebbe, but I I think this is very important. You want to know what a parent has the ability to do? A parent has the ability to be that for their child. The way the Lubavitcher Rebbe was able to look at you and make you feel that you're the only thing in the world, and that your value is infinite, and unconditional, and intrinsic. Every parent can do that for their child. I want to tell you something. The worst people for this message, I said this in Crown Heights, and the Lubavitchers all came to me afterwards, and they said, "It's not true. The Rebbe didn't" I said, "Well, what what are you What are you talking about?" "The Rebbe was always demanding from people." I said, "That's true. You know how the Rebbe was able to get away with demanding from people? Because the Rebbe looked at every Jew as already being enough, being perfect. You couldn't be more than you already are. And since you're already perfect, who you are is perfect, you couldn't be any more perfect. Now, it's only logical to ask you to express that in your deeds. That's how the Rebbe was able to get away with that. Every parent can and should do the same exact thing. Tell your child. You don't have to tell them, they know. You can't lie. The eyes don't lie. When you light up when they enter the room, they will know that you see them as intrinsically worthy, and infinitely worthy, and unconditionally worthy. And then, when they know that that sense of self is rock-solid, you can ask them to do a lot. You probably won't even have to ask, because they'll feel up to the task. And that's the power that parents have. That's the power that we really have. The power we have is to give our children a self-concept, to give our children a strong sense of worthiness, and value, and self-respect. But, in order to do that, to In order to give our children that sense of self, we have to be super, super careful not to infringe, not to misappropriate any of the emotional energy in the relationship, because it's all supposed to go this direction. It's all supposed to be flowing from us to them. We're supposed to be the consummate selfless givers in the relationship, and give them a sense of self that's strong enough to go out into the world and to achieve, and to to to fulfill their mission that their soul came here for. So, we we got to always check in with ourselves, and we got to always be We got to be honest with ourselves. We got to check our motives, make sure our motives are clean. Am I trying to take from my child? Am I trying to get social proof from my child? You know, like, "I want to be seen with my child in a certain light. I want my child to be known in a certain way." Am I trying to get [cough] validation from my child? "TELL ME I'M GOOD. TELL ME I WORK HARD. TELL ME YOU APPRECIATE WHAT I did." It's not cute. Is it difficult? It's very difficult. It's more than difficult. It's painful. It's thankless. It's exhausting. And if you're lucky, you have a spouse who's also ready to do this with you, and you can just look at each other and say, "This is awful, but we're in it together, so let's just finish. Let's get to the end. Let's raise these kids, right?" But, THAT'S THAT'S BEST-CASE SCENARIO, RIGHT? Nobody's getting validation off of this thing. But, if you can do it, if you can be there for your child to be their safe person you're setting them up for life. Somebody once told me if my kid ever does something stupid and gets in trouble I don't want him to say "Oh no if my dad finds out he'll kill me." I want him to say "Oh no, I better call my dad." Are you a safe person? Are you a supportive person? Does your child know that they can mess up and they won't lose you? Cuz these things are super important. They have to do with your child's entire future, their entire ability to succeed in life and to feel that they're worthy people who are worthy of respect and worthy of respectful treatment from others and worthy of having goals and worthy of pursuing dreams. So much is riding on this and I and I and I'll tell you even more. I'll tell you even more to up the ante. If you're religious, so ostensibly you care about your child's relationship with God. There's nothing that influences a child's God concept more than their relationship with their parental figures. I've had rabbis, scholars tell me "I can show you in the books that God is good and that God cares and God forgives but I can't believe it's true for me." And the simple reason is because I grew up knowing that I was never enough. I wasn't worthy. And I can't get out of my head. What your child thinks of you by extension is going to be their default theological position about God. Think about that. Think about that. So now think about how high the stakes are. Your reliability your being a safe person, a non-judgmental person, a go-to person this is a lot more than just being pleasant, being nice, being easy to get along with. This has to do with your child's entire future on every level, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, religiously. So how can we afford to misappropriate any of the spiritual energy of that relationship for personal fulfillment? We can't afford it. That's not what it's there for. And I I don't want to sound harsh. I'm with you. I'm a parent, too. I'm I'm I'm in this together with you. Okay, I'm commiserating with you. It's a thankless job. It's not glorious. It's not glamorous. But But this is the job. And there's no more powerful thing that any human being can do than to raise another human being. The Talmud tells us that a parent is a co-creator. The Talmud says that there are three partners in the creation of a human being. Kadosh Baruchu v'Ima v'Aviv, the Holy One, his father and his mother. We're co-creators. What does that mean we're co-creators? I'm not even I'm not even talking from a mystical perspective being a co-creator. What I mean is you know, you walk down the street and some poor person asks you for for for $5, you give them $5. Okay, that's a mitzvah, that's very nice. You changed their moment, you changed their day. Maybe if it really inspired them, it changed their month. Or let's say even you're a big philanthropist, so you have the ability you wrote a You didn't give a homeless guy $5. Let's say you were able to build the building, you wrote the $5 check. Okay, great, beautiful. So you then you changed a lot of people's uh lives in a lot of ways. Okay, huge influence. But you want to know something? Even that influential, you're still not a co-creator. You're not a co-creator of those people who you influenced and affected and benefited. You're a You're an influence. You're a positive force in their life. You're not a co-creator. You didn't make them who they are. A child, you are a co-creator, for better or worse. You make them who they are. And that's why I'm telling you and I've seen it time and time again what a thousand experts, teachers and therapists and and and rabbis and mashpi'im and a whole team, you could hire them, could put them all together and have an entire team, put them all on the payroll, a thousand experts just dealing with providing for a child, what that team of a thousand experts could do will never come close to what one parent can do for that same child. We have an infinite power. We're co-creators along with Hashem. And yes, sometimes that means that we do hire the therapist, that we hire the tutor and we pay tuition to the school. Doesn't mean we do all the work ourselves. You know, we don't grow our food in our garden, either. We go to the grocery store and we buy it, right? So just like you can go buy food at the grocery store, you can hire the tutor, the therapist or whatever. But the power for all of that to actually be life-changing comes from you as the parent. Without the parent in that in that equation it's almost pointless. I've seen it time and time again. The parents who are writing the checks so they have the experts raising their kids for them, but the parental investment on an emotional level isn't there, so the whole thing lacks that that power. We don't realize, we underestimate our own power. That our relationship with our child the fact that our child feels safe with us and feels loved and feels accepted that's that's not icing on the cake, that is the cake and it's and more and more. Their entire future, their entire well-being, their success in life, their ability to be married and to have a happy life and and and to raise children in a healthy way themselves and to have a healthy relationship with God and and and and and to have a positive outlook on life and and to have a loving and gentle and compassionate look at their own self. Everything everything everything everything is dependent on our ability to completely show up selflessly for them even when they are insufferable, annoying teenagers who scare you. So that's what I think need from us. Don't let them scare you off. [snorts] Don't let them annoy you. Don't let them frustrate you because when you do that, you're depriving them of the most potent healing power that they have in their lives. And that is What is the most potent healing power that that teenager has in their life? You. Oh, I'm not so smart. I don't know how to You don't need to be smart. You just need to be you. Connect with your child, look in your child's eyes, be present for them, put the phone away. Make them feel that you have nothing else going on in your mind, like I told you the way the Lubavitcher Rebbe would look at people. People would get that look for a half a second, it would change their life. That to me, by the way, proves the quality over quantity. If you look at someone like that for a half a second, it changes their life. A lot of times people complain like, "Oh, I don't have enough time." Well, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. You know, sometimes there isn't enough time in the day. But what about that minute that you can spend with your child? Can you try to meditate on the fact that this is the same baby that I looked at in the crib and I felt nothing but approval and and pride? I was kvelling. They did nothing. They didn't need to do anything because I didn't judge them based on what they could do. I I I cherished them for who they were and will always be, for their essence. That's what we need to do. And if if if This is the last thing I'm going to tell you. If one family can do this and another family and another family but just one family at a time can produce one more healthy adult in the world at a time. Cumulatively, the effect is that the entire world becomes a healthier place. Think about the fact all the problems in the world are caused by people. Without people, there won't be any problems. People cause all the problems. And all the problems that people cause, generally speaking, is because they have problems, right? They say hurt people hurt people. People who have been hurt go out and they they they they hurt others. And most people have problems from early childhood, from their formative years, and most of that from their own parents. So, think about the fact that if we could just have the next generation have just a little bit less issues from their parents, a little bit more love, a little more acceptance, that those people would grow up to make less problems in the world, or maybe even have a positive influence in the world, and then the cumulative effect would be the whole world would be a better place. And that, my friends, is what we Jews call Mashiach, the perfected world, the vision that our prophets had. And then it's I'm not saying this is what it what the prophecy means. We have to wait and see how it unfolds, but it's very apparent to me that that would really be in line with the last prophecy that was given to us by the prophet Malachi, that the hearts of the parents will return to the children, the children will return to the parents, and and that's Messianic perfection. We have a whole world of of healing. But it starts in each home. It starts in each home with each parent and each child. Okay. All right. Thanks. Thank you very much, Hal. [applause] I'd like to thank you, Vinnie, for opening the show.