The Scapegoat Child in a Narcissistic Family

You have a family where you have somebody, a parent, who nowadays is pretty pretty common to call them a narcissist. Somebody who is self-consumed and a perfectionist and can never be wrong. Can never be wrong. And then you have a a spouse to that parent who's what you might call the narcissistic enabler. Meaning covering up for the parent who can never be wrong. And usually that that spouse is a very broken person, which wouldn't really shock you um because if you're married to somebody who has zero compassion, empathy, humility, you you would be exhausted, too. So, that that person ends up being a very very sad and broken person. Um a shell. And then you have the kids. So, the kids are all handed a rulebook for how to survive in this home. But, the rulebook is all in code. It's all a hint. It's all with a wink. Uh it's not explicitly stated anywhere, but people learn these rules so that they don't become the object of the narcissistic wrath. And basically, the rulebook there's really one major rule, which is that the the self-consumed immature parent can never be wrong. Ever. Can never be wrong. And then the the siblings, the kids, what happens is very often there's a there's a a child who's chosen. And why is this child chosen? You know, you could form theories about it. Other times it's hard to say why why that child. But, this this is the child who's singled out as the scapegoat. And by scapegoat, I mean literally um they play the role that the actual You know what the actual scapegoat is? I mean So, oh, I am a rabbi. So, this I can actually speak with authority about. The scapegoat uh in the times of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur on the Day of Atonement. So, part of the ritual was that there was a lottery which randomly selected a goat. One goat was a sin offering, but the other goat would be the scapegoat. And they would take him out outside of the city to a cliff and they would toss him off a cliff, and that was part of the atonement of the people. I'm not going to get into a whole discussion about whether that seems barbaric to you and um probably most of us today have a hard time automatically relating to animal animal sacrifice to begin with. Um that that's not my point here, and I don't want you to get distracted uh by that. But, the metaphor is what's important here. That just like there was a scapegoat in the Holy Temple that would carry the guilt of the people, so, too, there's this child who carries the guilt of the family. More specifically, the the shame of the shameless parent. Meaning there's a parent who's acting shamelessly, but will not own up to their shameless behavior. Somebody has to bear that guilt. It is transferred onto that child. Why that child? I don't know. Much like the scapegoat in the temple was chosen at random. Sometimes this selection seems to be pretty random. In other words, it has nothing to do with the child's behavior. It's not like the child did anything that they would be more worthy of blame in the family than anyone else. It just becomes this is the person who is the go-to object of blame. To the point where that becomes the in joke. You know, who broke it? Oh, so-and-so. Oh, who didn't put such-and-such away? So-and-so. Oh, who parked the car wrong? Oh, so-and-so. Who didn't clean the dishes properly? So-and-so. It's always that's the person who got everything wrong. Why are we late? Who made us late? Oh, so-and-so. Um the siblings, obviously, are living in terror of becoming the scapegoat. So, it's kind of hard to really blame them, especially when they're children, uh for being complicit in this sick pattern. But, they are going along with it because they're relieved it's not them. To make matters worse, sometimes you even see that one of the other children has been selected for another role that sometimes they call uh the golden child, the child who can do no wrong. So, then you have the child in one family who can do no right, literally is always at fault. And then you have the child who can do no wrong, who's always good. The the child who can do no right not only can do no right, but if they ever exper- express any type of pride or satisfaction in their accomplishments, they will be torn apart to pieces. Like they come home with a good report card and they just want to show it to their parents and be like, "Hey, I worked really hard this semester. I got good grades." They will be thoroughly punished for that. Why? Because they're messing up the whole scapegoat system because you need to be the one who's full of shame and blame in order that the narcissistic parent can be spotless and flawless and completely without guilt. So, when this scapegoat child has any sense of accomplishment or self-esteem, that's going to be totally demolished immediately, without mercy. And of course, you you could understand why somebody who grows up that way would have a really hard time having any sen- sense of self-worth. Um you could also understand why someone who grows up that way would have a really hard time uh trusting people. Uh you could also even understand why when they do form bonds, very often they look for, perhaps unconsciously, that which is familiar, and they are attracted to really abusive, humiliating relationships often.