Parenting Q&A

that's how we start is we do it for them and then we start to do it with them and then they start to do it with us and then they finally do it on their own it's a process somebody asked me earlier if I'll do q a should I yeah I took it before you made that up yeah yeah that's right that's a good by the way the entire hinook today and everything really is because what's the the reality that that describes in Vietnam is that all pressure from now on has to be self-induced the gullus isn't going to smush us and we shouldn't step in and do it to anyone else and smush them the way the Gullah smushed us today everyone has to push himself that's viate anything else complaints all right I'll go like this yeah okay how do we Ave was that what your word weave cabalis oil into this approach well here's the beauty we don't have to weave Kabbalah cell into the approach it's already right there okay but okay let me bring it out let me explain it you have to know what Cabela's oil really is Kabbalah cell is one of those weaponized words that people in Authority use quite often when they're afraid they feel threatened so they say have some Kabbalah soil which really means they're trying to shut you down and make you be less than Kabbalah soil is to make you be more than the Reba explained it's actually a poor fabren tough shinyud tests what true cabalis oil is the never said some people think that sehal and Cabela's oil are mutually exclusive in other words you can't be self-disciplined and be a thinker at the same time they just don't go together one is always going to compromise the other so the debit said that actually that's untrue Cabela's oil ultimately means that I submit myself to Hashem okay I submit myself to Hashem I'll do whatever you want no that's not submitting yourself that's submitting Part of Yourself your action I'll do whatever you want but you have much more to yourself than just your kayakamase you're doing much more what do I have going going on inside of me I have cycle in midways I have my unique perceptions and I have my emotions that's myself my whole self so cabalos oil means that you give yourself to Hashem if you tell Hashem God I'm not going to think anymore I'm just going to be from you actually are denying Hashem not only of part of you but the best part of you your Seiko so you're not allowed to say I'm going to turn off my brain and just be a good boy or a good girl means I'm going to train myself how to think in a holy way in a Godly way not I'm going to stop thinking I'm going to start thinking that I'm going to think like a Jew I'm going to think like an efficella kiss which means what we've been saying here that true education is that instead of forcing somebody to do something they don't want you bring out of them what they truly want and then you align all parts of them to that truest desire all parts meaning not only your will and your beliefs but the way your mind operates and your heart your emotions and ultimately yes of course your action so it's Integrity in the truest sense of the word integrity means to be integrated to be integrated means that there's no discrepancy on any level with another level of myself that I'm not fragmented from myself when I'm integrated that means that my beliefs and my desires and the way my mind operates and my emotions and my attractions and my desires and my behaviors are all consistent so when we take a scalpel out and remove any part of that in order to achieve cabalis oil you're actually not doing Kabbalah cell at all you're doing the opposite so if we want to have true cobola soil that means we're going to have to actually have thoughtful conversations and have to explain things to people starting with the concept of Kabbalah soil you know you can't have cabalis oil to the concept of Cabela soil everything has to start somewhere in other words intelligently explain to me why cabalis oil is important and then later after you've explained it to me you can invoke that principle and you could say let's have Kabbalah soil there's a ladder from the rabba and the egress that I was writing to a woman a teacher and he tells her when you teach your students they were teenagers in Israel when you teach your students about cabalis oil you should explain to them that it's good for them and that and this line shocked me and that secular science has confirmed this is that fascinating that sounds antithetical to Kabbalah soil if it's Kabbalah soil then I don't need to know that it's good for me I don't need to know that the goyam agree with it who cares if it's Kabbalah says just do it but you understand what the dev is saying here when you teach them Cabela's oil explain to them the reason for it explain to them how it benefits them explain to them how it makes them have a better life explain to them that this part blew me away why from a purely secular non-jewish scientific approach meaning leaving aside any spiritual talk explain to them why it's a good thing so the way that Abbott describes Kabbalah soil and especially teaching children about Kabbalah soil sounds a lot different than the way many of us may have seen it taught and talked about that make sense yeah okay what is cabaloso it's giving all of yourself to Hashem your entire self yeah let me go to the way back there yeah right if the circle doesn't understand so we have to work on it the process these are deep Concepts don't just say well I thought about it it didn't make sense that's the whole point of Education the whole point of education is that it's going to be a process it's going to take time to understand these ideas that's why we were given an entire childhood to to learn how to be adults okay a child could say I don't understand therefore I'm not going to do it all right first of all let me ask you a question are we afraid of that nothing else going to go you know if you're still afraid of that ladies let me let me tell you something if we're still dreading our child saying to us if I don't understand it I'm not going to do it then we can't parent them you're going to have to get over your fears do you understand why you can't parent them until you get over this fear because as long as you're afraid then it's all going to be about power and control and you're not gonna be able to teach them anything the best you'll be able to accomplish is to force them into behavioral compliance which means as soon as you leave the room they're going to do what they wanted to do all along anyway so we can't be afraid of them voicing their opinions we have we have to work with their opinions oh right but that itself is an explanation it's a rational explanation and that's our job as parents to explain even when you tell a child that they should listen to their mother and father because their mother and father say so that itself should be explained they have Minds proof of it is if you don't teach them how to use their minds they use their minds to Rebel God forbid so that they have enough of a mind to figure out how to Rebel they have enough of a mind to figure out how to understand the duties that they already have it's our job to help them wrap their minds around that anything else okay you were the person who asked me if there's going to be q a and you waited so patiently so this is the last one you don't know if it's practical okay okay no problem okay yeah what like what do you say so the question was you want your two-year-old daughter to clear her plate after yeah well you two she's her experiences with a two-year-old so that's why she said two-year-old she wasn't making it up that's right this is a real two-year-old daughter right okay you didn't just make that scenario up so you could have a question to ask her okay what okay uh-huh okay does everyone hear the question okay the question was I have a two-year-old daughter and I want her to clear her plate after she finishes eating and you say you told her to do it she said no she said you do it okay okay so it's interesting the emotional reaction by the way did you hear the collective gasp like you triggered something in the room and by the way you have a two-year-old saying no you do it some of the people here are like try you know 10 year old 15 year old 20 year old so laughs it's our job not to tell our children to do things that they're not going to be able to do and at the same time it's our job to get them to eventually do things that they weren't able to do you hear that it's our job not to tell them to do things that they're not able to do and at the same exact time it's our job to get them to become able to do things that they weren't able to do so it's a process it's not binary yes or no black and white my child will listen and not it's a process in this case what are we discussing we're we're trying to achieve a goal of getting this child at some point she's only two now but at some point we want her to actually clear her plate not only when you ask her to she'll clear her plate what do we really want they show clear a plate because you told her to no that's not what we really want what do we really want she'll do it on her own in fact we wanted to become the kind of young lady who if she got up and accidentally left the room and realized she hadn't cleared her plate she will feel compelled to go back because it'll bother her right that's what we really want okay are you willing to give it time it's my first question to you are you are you willing to engage this as a process see instead of looking at it as a power struggle of can I get her to do it or not which then you basically have two options either she listens or she doesn't listen either you succeed and you fail but even when you succeed you failed because success in that scenario is forcing her to do something she doesn't really want to do and she never learns how to want to do it so even success is failure as opposed to what making a commitment to the Long Haul that it's going to take years for the child to actually care about clearing her own plate the first stage of that process may very well be that at the end of the meal you pick up the plate and very loudly narrate what you're doing it's the end of the meal we're clearing our plate everybody throws their plate away that's how we start is we do it for them and then we start to do it with them and then they start to do it with us and then they finally do it on their own it's a process when Hashem is going to help you he is helping you with this process okay everyone should have lots and lots of nahas foreign