Parenting 2.0 | Raising the children of the GEULAH

So, uh, it's good to be back in Crown Heights. The topic tonight is I love the topic. I didn't I can't take credit for it. I didn't write the topic. Parenting 2.0. I agreed with the topic. Not just I agreed to deliver a talk on the topic. I saw the topic and said, I wish I had written that topic. Parenting 2.0, raising the children of the gula. And I love that topic. And I love it for this audience. I love it for Crown Heights. And I know we're online and there are people from all over the world who are watching who are not from Crown Heights and who are not from Kabad and may have not may not have learned all of the rebikas. But if you'll forgive me, I'm in Crown Heights now. So if you are watching online, I'm speaking to the camera saying that. Uh just understand my audience. I'm gonna use shortorthhand for a lot of stuff that this crowd is familiar with already because I don't want to waste a lot of time explaining a lot of background that this crowd should already be familiar with and I want to just jump right into the radical revolutionary exciting stuff that uh that Eb taught us that we could be implementing. right now in our in our homes. You know, sometimes you get on your uh phone or on your computer where it says there is a software update available and ready to be installed. Uh and then you have a an option, right? I don't remember what the other options are. I just the only the option that I remember is the one that I always push remind me later. Very good. Remind me later. That's right. So, until it says something like critical system update and uh your your machine failed to uh operate, it cannot be opened until you install this uh this critical system update. So, here's what I want to tell you. Kenuk is different today. And you don't need a guy to stand up behind a podium with a microphone to let you know that. I'm just confirming what you see is different today. But uh [sighs] there are some critical systems updates, some new software that is available and ready to be installed. And if you like I ever uh pressed remind me later or I'll get around to it then maybe tonight what can come from tonight is that and again I'm saying I'm speaking to Crown Heights speaking to Labavich maybe tonight we can decide that what the Reb taught us some of the radical stuff that the Reb explained about children and about education some of that stuff can already be installed into our uh updated system. So uh the there was a there was a Yalami who used to go collect money in the United States. He used to come to New York and he had a balabos a business owner who had a an office in Manhattan. So this Yoshami used to come to this office in Manhattan. He would see the the American Jew and he would fund raise for an orphanage in Udishallay. And this American Jew, the guy with the the corner office in the fancy building in Manhattan, he felt very proud that he was involved in supporting an orphanage in uh in Yalaim. And every month he would write a check and he would put the check in the mail. He would proudly send his check to the address of the orphanage in Yushallay. He did this for years and then finally one day he took a trip to Israel and he went on a tour and they took him to Shalim. And when he was at the it was in Ushalim he asked the tour guide, "Where is this address? There's an orphanage there." And the the tour guides, oh, this this address not far from here. So he found a time when the tour was doing something else. He could break away from them for a few minutes. And he walked to the address where the orphanage was that he was supporting for so many years. And he gets to the address. He looks around looking for a building, looking for something looks like an orphanage. And uh it's an apartment in a building. and uh he looks at the address. This is he knows this address. He's written it hundreds of times. Every month he sends a check there to that address and he doesn't see an orphanage. He sees an apartment. He puts his ear to the door. He hears these people inside a family who's living there and he realizes this is this guy's house. This is where this Ysami lives. So he knocks on the door and who answers the door? It's this Yami. guy who he saw in his office who would come to him every year and update him about the about the progress of the orphanage, about the children. And the American Jew says, "Well, what what are you doing?" I finally show up and I see this is this not an orphanage. This is your house. You live here with your with your family. Have I been supporting an orphanage hour? I'm sending money to you. This is for you. So says to the American Jew, he says, "Look around. You see there are kids here." He says, "Yeah, I see there's kids here." These are your kids. It's your family. He says, "Okay, so can I ask you a question?" He says, "Go ahead, ask me a question." He says, "What does it hurt you if these orphans have parents? [sighs] It's a deep joke. I only tell deep jokes. I don't tell funny jokes. So, I better tell deep ones. Why does it hurt you if these orphans have parents? Meaning to say, you felt good when you were sending money to these children when you thought that they didn't have parents, but now you find out you're supporting these children. The same children you thought you were supporting. They have parents. Now you you're not so excited about supporting them. Sometimes when the old way is so clearly not working with a particular child we give up and we say I have no choice. What can I do? There's nothing left to do. He's not responding to the old methods. Trust me, I tried. And we admit defeat and we say all right. What can I do? I there's nothing left to do. Just just love him because there's such a crisis and I don't know how to respond to the crisis. I have no tools left. What can I do? I have nothing left. All I can do is love him. Why do we have to wait until that point where out of desperation we say the old methods don't work and we're ready just to love and to accept our children as they are? What's wrong if these children are orphans who have parents? What's wrong if these OTD kids didn't fry out yet? What's wrong if these kids in crisis are still emotionally, socially, mentally, spiritually healthy? We're not ready to come to their aid if they haven't hit rock bottom yet. So sometimes the reason that a system stops working for some people is that it just doesn't work for those people. Other times a system stops working for some people because those people are the canary in the coal mine. You know about the canary in the coal mine in the old days when they used to open up a new area in a mine. So it's very dangerous. They could release gas. There's gas in the coal mine which is poisonous. It's fatal. Problem is that it's tasteless. It's odorless. It's colorless. Can't smell it. You can't taste it. You can't see it. So how are you supposed to know that you're breathing this poisonous gas? So the miners used to bring down into the mine a canary, a real canary, an actual canary. And the canary likes to tweet, tweet, tweet, and he makes noises all day. But then all of a sudden, if the miners would realize, uhoh, what happened? The canary is not tweeting anymore. The canary got real quiet. Uhoh, canary's sleeping on the bottom of his cage. No, he's not sleeping. He passed out. He just he got poisoned. Let's get out of here. And then they would clear out of the mine. So, how did the canary know that there was poisonous gas in the mine? Was the canary a toxicologist? That's somebody who studies poison. No, canary was not a toxicologist. The canary just dies from the same thing that kills people before the people die from it. The same thing that affects everyone else affects him. it just affects him first. So sometimes the reason an old system doesn't work for some people anymore is because it stopped working and it's just a matter of time before the miners will meet the same fate as the canary. And I'm not here to get into a whole discussion, although I probably should and I could make a whole lecture just on this topic about our most sensitive children, about our sensitive souls, about the types of children who are the most vulnerable and the ones who are most likely to be disillusioned. And it's not who we normally predict. I could give you a whole talk about that. That's not really my point tonight. My point tonight is to say that a system update has been in order for a long time. I think everyone knows it. And anyone who doesn't agree to it yet, it's just a matter of time. What I want to tell you is that the system update was given a long time ago. [sighs] Crown Heightsers inside baseball. Not even the sikas of Nunal nun base. I can go back even further than that. I can go to regular loot paraso which is based on fabans from the lammed from the lamids from the 1970s from lammed vv and lammed z. They put together a few sikhas when they edited that sik. So the Reba was saying this since the 1970s. What did the Reb say? We know a famous story about the Rabbi Ashab. Again, this is Crown Heights. I'm not going to say Rabbi Scholam do bear the fifth rabbi of no rabbi was four or five years old. And it was the the week of his birthday. Actually, his birthday is usually the week of para's vo. And apparently they were learning the weekly para in school. and he came home and he was crying and he he spoke to his the and he said, "I learned of that the revealed himself to Aavino and I want to know why doesn't the Aish reveal himself to me?" Beautiful story. And the gave an answer. We could talk about the answer as well. Let's first let's talk about the question, the complaint. Beautiful story. And and and how do you read a story like this? Well, I'll tell you conventional wisdom. The way to read a story like this is that it's a story about an exceptional person, the Reb. He was a Reb. He was a sadic. a Reb, the son of a Reb, the grandson of a Reb, raised by both his father and grandfather who were both Rebes. And due to his exceptional spiritual sensitivity and his exceptional upbringing, he had a feeling that is quite unusual, if not absolutely unique, among four or five year olds. He had a feeling that he wanted Hashem to reveal himself to him and it was such a powerful feeling that it caused him to to cry. What an amazing sadic. That's the conventional way of telling that story. The Reb took the story and said, "Uh, yeah, but there's another point And the point really is not about the rebab. The point is about you and about your child. This isn't a story about a special sadic, the son of a sadic. This is a story about all of us. And the Reb explained, the Reb's logic is quite unique to the Reb. It's one of the Reb's trademarks. The Reb says a Reb on one hand is so different from everyone else. He's just an elevated person. On the other hand, a Reb is anaclus. He's connected to all of us. So something that happens to such a nishama clawless is really reflective of something that's happening to Clalisro. And especially if that story about the nishaclus was given over publicly and made known to all of us then that even further reinforces the fact that this isn't just a story about the greatness of the sadic. This is a story about us. So the rabbi proceeds to explain that the rabb was he opened up a new conduit a new pipeline that from that time on every child even a four or five year old child can have a genuine spiritual thirst. thirst that is so powerful that it can even move them to tears. And therefore, old modes of kin, tried and trueue, timehonored, hallowed methods of child rearing and education are no longer applicable. They're outdated. They're obsolete. There are critical system software updates that although the Reb says this that although the Rabbam explains Reb indicates a couple of sources where the Rabbam speaks about this. One of them is in the pirish lashnayas in the portion of Sanhedrin known as kaikes leam haba which is one of the 12 sukim I'm sure you know and over there because it's speaking about haba it's speaking about reward in the world to come. So the the Rambam explains how to teach people about this concept and the the Rambam sort of laments that it's true that the real reason to serve Hashem is altruistically the schma to serve Hashem for for its own sake. However, people aren't really on that level. And so it's a necessary evil that we speak to them about payoff and especially he says children and he and and he he describes the process that describes the process in he says that first you get the children motivated telling them if they'll learn you're going to give them food. He says you give them honey and nuts and you know kind of stuff that they ate back in the Ram's time. And then after they grow out of that what do you do? You give them, he says, shoes. You promise them shoes and clothing. And then they grow out of that. You promise them money. By the way, if you want to be good at the old method of bribery, this is the way that that I'm telling you how to do it. Okay? So then they grow out of the food. They then you the food bribes don't work. So then you go to uh clothing bribes and then you go to money, right? No gifts, just checks, just cash, right? Uh and and then when they grow out of that, he says usually around adulthood um they grow out of that. That's not even enough. So then the new tya becomes honor. You tell them learn to so that you'll be called rabbi and you'll be respected and they'll give you a microphone. You get to talk. People will listen. It'll feel good. So that becomes the new the new bribe. It describes very clearly how to do it. also the Rambam and another place which we just learned recently in Mishna. We just started over the Mishna Lag and uh I encourage everyone again Crown Heights [laughter] that uh learning Rambam every day is an incredible lifeline and learning safer mitzvah at the very least. But I also want to encourage I don't think there's any indication and in fact there's indications to the contrary that women actually can and should learn more than safer mitzvah one pedic even three proim if that's something you'd like to talk about further we can talk about it but definitely that's something that should be encouraged and uh let me put it this way if anyone if any woman in Crown Heights meets another woman at Aassa and she says to her friend that she learns gimlim What kind of a reaction is she going to get? Right. Interesting. Interesting. Right. So, my I would call it success of tonight that at least in Crown Heights, if a woman tells another woman she's learning gimmopim, it should be that's cool. I wish I did that. That's not yet the reaction, but I would like to be part of making that become the reaction. And you guys don't look at me funny. You know exactly what I'm saying. I'm 100% accurate. Okay. I All right. And those who are in uh the parha that I'm in for for for your kids, if you heard that a girl for your son was learning gimmoprokim, right? Gimmorroim, that should be like, "Wow, we got to look more into her." Gimme proim. Okay, so [sighs] you guys know exactly. Don't Don't pretend not to understand me. I know my orphans joke wasn't funny, but this is funny because it's true. It's definitely true. It's social com. It's biting social commentary, which you don't hear a lot of in these parts. At any rate, [laughter] uh so uh yeah, we just learned in gim recently in Hilova that Ram talks about serving Hashem for its own sake and serving Hashem out of love. But then he does mention he says Nebak there are some people that they have to be bribed. He says uh children need to be bribed. You know also the says women women also are not going to serve Hashem for its own sake. So they also need to be bribed. You're you're okay with that statement? You're okay with the bribe. Just not with the implic Okay. Not with the implication. The bribe. You'll take the bri. I would have done it anyway, but thanks for the bribe. Okay. So, but the rebs that clearly this isn't the case today. So maybe it was the case once upon a time clear. I mean I'll ask you the woman part because there's a a room full of women. Do you feel that that's true about you? So you yourself are testimony to the fact that this description of human nature is no longer accurate. Now I say god forbid how can you say that anything that said is okay hold on a second hold on a let's talk about that's that's a fair reaction. That's a valid reaction. In fact, I would be I would be uh frightened if you didn't say that. If you didn't hold on a second, what are you saying? That is obsolete. You're right. As good God-fearing Jews who rever theim, that is that is absolutely the reaction you should have. So, I'm going to tell you what it says. The Rambam was right. He is right. he will always be right when speaking about certain conditions. However, sometimes conditions change and there is such a concept. The Reb speaks about this asanuim and those are the words that the Rebba uses that nature has changed. And this isn't something that theb invented the concept of that human nature can change. The Reb actually goes to great lengths to cite precedent in Rebba cites the the Rama in uh in in in Evan Ezar when the Ramos speaks about certain premature births that Khazal tell us are not viable and it has a bearing on and Ramos says but we see today he says we see for ourselves that that's not the case. So how do you explain it? He says human nature changed or the rabbis cites the in when it speaks about certain dietary restrictions that are based on danger that are based on saka and he says you see that it's not a saka it's not dangerous anymore. Okay. So the deb explains that nature changed and what used to work on children doesn't work anymore. What used to work on children doesn't work anymore. [snorts] Ever since the Rebab opened up the pipeline and when did that happen? I mean the Reb Rashab was born uh Tesh Alf so 1860. Well it was it was Kuffin. So it was still the last months of 1860. So he would have been four or five around 1864 1865. And the rebba said it wasn't just that it happened to the rabbi but it was that the story was then publicized by the rebab's son by the sobba was his nas was until until yjat till 1950. So let's just say like this roughly somewhere between 1864 and 1950 something changed. Now, I want to say something to you. anyone who has so much as taken a junior high, high school uh or basic history class, American history class or even world history or really the country the history of any country in on this earth. If you would ask them, were there great changes between 1864 and 1950? Not only there were great changes, but probably the greatest changes and the most rapid change that ever took place in history took place during that time. You're talking about humanity going from basically the same technology that they had for millennia to having jets that could fly across the world in hours and and and computers that could connect people on different sides of the earth instantaneously. All that happened in a ma in a matter of decades and it keeps happening. It's it's it's continuing. It's not stopping. It's not slowing down. and it's only speeding up. So, think about it like this. From 19 from 1860 till 1950 roughly. I'm not asking you to come up with a theory. I'm not asking you to form a hypothesis. But just in a very informal way, right here and now, without thinking too much about this, would it make sense if I were to say to you that whatever the going rate for a bribe for a child was throughout history radically changed over those decades? Oh, it absolutely did because today children are so overstimulated. They have so much access to dopamine hits that it's almost impossible to get their attention. So we're using outmoded obsolete tools trying to compete for their attention and gratification. a child from a hundred years ago. I met a Russid who told me he grew up in Ra. He was a kid in the 30s and that his greatest birthday, his greatest birthday he remembers is that his father saved for a year to buy him the most impressive birthday present, an orange. Try to give an orange to a kid in Brooklyn in 2022. Forget about for his birthday. He says, "Give can I have a snack?" Here's an orange. When do you have to speak about a orange that I think there's some oranges in the fridge? Right. Because you wanted to be healthy, so you bought oranges and you put them in that drawer in the fridge that never gets open. Then you throw them all out when they get the white fuzz on them in a month. So that you're throwing out white fuzz 20 oranges of white fuzz that 70 80 years ago that made some child's life. That was his warmest most beautiful childhood memory. The orange. So don't tell me that the world hasn't changed radically. And that which stimulates and gratifies children even on the most basic level, don't tell me it hasn't changed. It's changed. And then you factor into it technology. Forget about social media. I'm not even talking about becoming addicted to the likes and the hearts and the thumbs ups and the FOMO, the fear of messing missing out and that you have to constantly refresh, refresh, refresh. Even leave that out. Just the little gadgets. No internet. No internet. Just the little gadgets. And you push a little button. Ping. A little star makes a little ping. A little fairy dust noise. Imagine a child from the 1860s. You put them in a room with one of those. It's like they give the cocaine to the monkeys and they become addicts. You know that experiment? Imagine you take a child from the 1860s from Russia and you give them a little toy. You can push it and make plang. You just within a day he'd be sitting in the corner. Pang pling plang. That would be it be the end of that. No, Yasa was not coming out of the corner. He just plang. He's addicted to the playing. Okay. So, it's a [laughter] it's a miracle that the kids even get up from those machines. But you know why they get up from the machine? Because they have stimulus somewhere else. They have so much stimulus. So much stimulus. We're overstimulated. Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure. Luxury. Constant luxury. An orange isn't an orange anymore. A cake isn't a cake. We're pushetwired differently. And you're going to say it's because, you know, nature or nurture. I don't know. I'm not a neurologist. I'm not a sociologist. I'm not an anthropologist. I don't know if it was chicken or egg. I don't know how it happened. But people are wired differently. Take anyone from today and give them a CAT scan and take someone from 1860 and you tell me their brains aren't wired differently. Of course THAT WE KNOW. WE KNOW WHAT OUR MACHINES DO TO THE wiring in our brains. And I don't want this to turn into technology because that's always the easy pitchforks and torches uh cause technology. Forget about the technology. Forget about the technology. Again, the orange. Just the fact that an orange doesn't get anyone here excited. You You want There's a table over there full of CUT FRUIT AND NOBODY TOUCHED IT. WELL, you're on a diet. Okay. [laughter] You know, do you know that pineapples used to be rented because they were so luxurious? Pineapples were so luxurious and rare. You didn't buy them and eat them. No one would do that. Pineapple cost like a car. You would rent it for a party and you would put it out as a centerpiece with your rich friends. I'm You can go Google. You go look it up. So, yeah. Not so long ago, a pineapple was like the guy in the parking lot at the Kassan and Great Neck carving the swan ice sculpture with the chainsaw. You know what I'm talking about, right? You guys don't go to the Red Kasa, so you never saw that. That was what a pineapple was like 60 years ago. And now there's A TABLE FULL OF PINEAPPLES. MANGO, ORANGES, GRAPES, STRAWBERRIES, just sitting there. No one's going to go to it. Especially not after I drew so much attention to it. Nobody's going to go to the one woman who was going to put some in a napkin and put it in her purse. Now she's gonna have to wait 20 minutes after the event till everyone leaves. But I want to tell you something for your children. You should do anything. Wrap that fruit in a napkin and put it in your purse and I will applaud you. I say that with all sincerity. [sighs] We're wired differently. So you think about trying to bribe a kid today, the reward and punishment stuff. I don't make enough. I don't have enough wealth to bribe a child of 2022. What could I do that would be the equivalent of an orange for millennia? I would have to rent a hot air balloon and put a pony on the hot air balloon and fly over giant stadium with 10,000 with a 10,000 piece marching band that would spell out the kid's name and he would be like, "Cool. You want to say a puss lost interest. Okay. You had that. You had a window. You had the tenth of a second. You had that window. [sighs] Listen ladies. When Msiah comes, one of the things that's going to happen is that delicacies says this the end of Mishna that when Mashiach comes, delicacies are going to be they're going to be as plentiful as dust. So actually we're living in pre- messianic times. We're living on the cusp of a new era where material bounty will be so plentiful that it'll be as plentiful as dust meaning not a rarity. And as the Reb pointed out that description that Amam uses is very apt. It's not just quantitatively it's qualitatively. the delicacies will be as plentiful as dust quantitatively but also qualitatively about as interesting when Msiah comes and you could say oh because we'll be on such an elevated level we won't care about such bounty and I'll tell you yeah maybe that too but also it'll just be so plentiful it'll be boring in fact I'm not even predicting anything I'm telling you today's news. It's already so plentiful that it's boring. What do you want to eat? And then you go and you look, too many choices, too many restaurants to order from. Well, come on. It's 9:30. We got to order something. And then what do you do? Can't make up your mind. You order two different entre for everybody and you end up throwing it out. Or if you're Jewish, you keep it in the fridge for a week and then you throw it out because you bashkas. Bashkas is only if you throw out edible food. But if you put it in the fridge until it rots and then gets the white fuzz and then you and I want to tell you something, not to gross you out, but the that the the weak old uh Chinese food that you're throwing out, I promise you that any normal person from 1860 would eat it. And they wouldn't say, "Can you warm that up in a microwave?" Because they don't they don't know what a microwave is. they would just eat it. So, think about this. We're heading into an age very, very soon. And you all believe Mashiach is coming very soon, right? So, we're heading very soon into an age where people are not going to be excited about the stuff that they used to get excited about. But like I said, that's not a prediction. That's current events. It's already true. It's already true. People are no longer excited about what they used to be excited about. So go try to bribe a child of 2022. You can't afford it. You can't afford it. And even if you could afford it, it would last for a tenth of a second. So I've got good news for you. The reason why it doesn't work anymore is because it doesn't need to work anymore. We don't need it anymore. We needed it. And when the ram described it, it was true. It was true for centuries and for millennia. It was true. It had its place. But it's not true anymore. Nature changed. So now there's something else that motivates children. What motivates children today? Ever since the Rebab weeped to be able to see Hashem reveal himself to him, what works today is a child's sincere spiritual longing. You don't want to acknowledge it. You don't want to recognize it. Okay. So again, I'm speaking here in Crown Heights. You may choose to differ from the labava. And hey, on YouTube, if you have a different Messiah, I have no tinas on you. But I'm speaking here Crown Heights. Labava said children don't need it anymore. And you keep using a system that doesn't work and then you get frustrated that it's not working. And then you question maybe there's something wrong with the kid. There was a critical system update that was offered back in the 1970s, 50 years ago. Children are different is different. The whole world is different. So, uh, we got no choice anymore. And those of us who still have the illusion of the luxury of choice, I'm happy for you. I'm happy for you. I'm not saying that sarcastically. I'm happy for you that using o uh outmoded obsolete methods has not bitten you yet. I'm genuinely happy for you because one of the reasons I'm here tonight and speaking about this is because I'm praying that people who are not in crisis, people who are successful right now in parenting will hear this and decide to apply it. Because to be quite honest, the people who are in crisis are ready to try anything. That's lowhanging fruit. But why do you care if these orphans have parents? Why can't we face the reality that we do when a child's in crisis? Why can't we face that reality before children are in crisis? Why can't we admit like we do with a child who's in crisis that the system doesn't work for him? Why can't we admit for children who are not yet in crisis, the system doesn't work for them? Because the system is a system that was beautiful and holy and and worked for centuries and millennia. It was a beautiful system. It's not the system today. And the problem and the defect is not with your child. And the problem and the defect is not with you. There's nothing wrong with you. That you're not able to motivate your child with reward and punishment. That's not how people work anymore. That's not how you work. When the Rambam said that women need to be bribed to serve Hashem, I'm sure it was true then. But I'm talking to a room full of people for whom that's surely not true. You know, it's not true for you. So, I'm telling you to expand that. It's not just you and not just your best friend. It's all of us. THERE'S NO ONE LEFT IN THE world who needs to be bribed to serve Hashem. And when you bribe someone to serve Hashem, you cheapen the entire idea of serving Hashem. You imply that serving Hashem is so inherently worthless that the only way to get somebody to do it is with a bribe. I'll tell you another story about a sadic that the Reb uses to tell a story about you. The Reb's birthday just finished learning that my inba where I'm privileged to uh to teach and we spoke about this the young ladies there 19year-old uh young women we spoke about This the Reb tells a story in that mimer about the alterb the alterb that the alterb was so deeply engrossed in prayer that at one point he was heard the his grandson who we mentioned earlier overheard him [snorts] speaking to Hashem in Yiddesh in the second person meaning directly and saying I don't want your world to come. I don't want your paradise. I just want you. And [snorts] you could read that story and say what a beautiful story about the alterb the and frankly if I were left to my own devices if I never learned the rebra and I just had to figure out yishkite on my own I would also read the story that way but you know how the rebba uses that story he says that since the alterba said it really it reflects The truth of all of us like the medish says medish that the soul cries out my soul declares my ka my portion is hashem I cannot divorce myself from hashem that's my DESTINY IT'S WHO I AM IT'S MY essence so the rebba says the alterba's story about is really just a story about every Jew saying the truth which is I don't want bribes I don't want and the says even he refers to it as dine ganed which means your paradise he's speaking to Hashem and saying I don't want your paradise I just want you which is a way of saying I don't want what you can give me I want you I don't want to be in a user relationship with you, in a transactional relationship. I want to have an intimate bond. I don't want to be used and I don't want to use. I want you to want me for me and I want to want you for you. So forget about oranges being a bribe or shoes or cars or money or coveted. The Reb says that even Ganed and Alam Haba are a bribe. The Reb says even more radical than that, which is that shedakis on a subtle level, if you really really want to zoom in close, getting excited about what Hashem can do for you instead of being excited for Hashem himself in a subtle way is idolatry. Because what's idolatry? The idol worship says, "Hey, I want to figure out how I'm going to get the best payoff the soonest. So, I'm going to do whatever works for me. If Hashem works for me, great. If the Gatka works for me, great. He's a total user. That's what it is. He's a user." So, the fact and and and the yeid says, "No, I don't want what Hashem can do for me. I want Hashem. And if you'll tell the what if you'll suffer for it?" He says, "I don't care. So even being motivated by spiritual reward is beneath us today. It's beneath us today. It's not saying there's no spiritual reward or no spiritual punishment. There is a gun. There is a gehenna. These are real things. It's just not terribly motivating to someone who wants Hashem for Hashem's sake. Now, you're going to tell me that's not true. I see with my kids, they don't want Hashem for Hashem's sake. I'm a teacher. I see with hundreds of kids, they don't want Hashem for Hashem's sake. So, the Reba says in the again, Crown Heights watching on YouTube, not Alaba, you're off the hook. It's okay. Okay, you have a different MADA. No problem. You're off the hook. Crown Heights. Maybe by the time I'm done, some of you will be moving to Burough Park. You'll be off the hook. No problem. No problem. Okay. You'll find out what houses cost over there, and you'll be happy. [laughter] It doesn't work today. It doesn't motivate people today. And you're going to tell me that you see the children are not that holy. They're not talking about God. Remember a kid crying to me. Not a kid. And I call him a kid. A young man from from this neighborhood in his 20s. He was just balling. And uh he had been really seriously involved in drugs and alcohol. and he came into recovery in the 12step rooms and saved his life and he was he was sober for a few months already when I remember talking he was sober for a few months. Life was good like life was like he he he when he hit bottom he he tried to kill himself. I mean his life was terrible. This is three months after he got sober. Life was good. And he turns me starts balling. I'm like thinking to myself, why is he crying now? Like life's good now. And he says to me, and this is I'm saying this for a benefit, but if you don't listen to me, then it's not for a benefit. And it's weeping to me and saying, why did I have to go to a meeting in a church basement? And yes, ask your place. It's mut. Why did not the where they dav where they pray the basement the social hall he says why did I have to go to a church basement and sit with people who I don't relate to not from my culture not from my background not my age to finally hear somebody speak sincerely about God. What was I doing all day every day in yeshiva? And I didn't hear someone speak sincerely about God until I went to those meetings. It was balling. The Reb says in this that if you see that the children are not excited about God, then your responsibility as the parent or as the educator is to look inside, look within and ask yourself how you're educating them. Why do you believe? Why do you put more faith and trust and reliance in Pavlovian condition conditioning that was developed for dogs than in the belief that your baby, your beautiful precious child is achami malamish? Why is it easier to believe that he can be bought with treats than it is to believe that he has an ashama that's yearning for elus? And don't tell me the schools. I don't want to hear about schools. I'm talking to mothers. Schools are institutions. Institutions are things. I'm talking to individuals. I only now speak to individuals because an individual at least care for your child. And by the way, there are wonderful individuals in the institutions. There are some incredible educators in the institutions and incredible administrators today in the institutions. But I'm not speaking to institutions. I'm speaking to human beings, to mothers, to fathers who have a heart, who have a who have skin in the game and a personal interest here. Your child does want God just for its own sake. I wouldn't dare I wouldn't attempt to give this talk in many of the wonderful, beautiful communities that I have been privileged and honored to be allowed to speak in. Many wonderful Jewish Orthodox communities where they have trusted me to be respectful and to come and speak there. And I think one of the reasons that they do trust me is I wouldn't roll into Lakewood and say the labava says in Lutas that it's enough with the bribes. You know why? Because it's disrespectful. Forget about to each his own and everyone has their own approach. You have to learn so much before that sentence even sounds normal. Like why would you purposely it's like Lifaver. Why would you purposely say a sound bite that cannot possibly be understood without a hundred hours, a thousand hours of context, but this is Crown Heights and I guess it's YouTube, but I think everyone else turned it off already. So, I'm going to go look at the analytics, by the way, after we're done. It shows you when people drop off, like right after the orphanage joke, it's going to be like, "That's it. Everyone left. No problem." Okay. [sighs and gasps] This is Crown Heights. The Reb says that your child sincerely wants Hashem. So, here's the here's the I don't know funny part. Funny. Yeah, maybe funny. Um, if you did this in 1970 or 76 when the Reba first spoke about it, let's say you were at the Fabangan and you heard the Reb speak about this in 1976 and you believed the Reb and you cut out the bribes and you just started believing that your your child is is an ashama that wants Hashem, then I would say, "Wow, you are aid that is really that you did that." But if you do it today, [laughter] you're just being a realist, you're just admitting that the old tools don't work anymore and it's not our kids' faults and it's not our fault. Okay. So now I want to talk to you about something that may seem a little bit different, but I wouldn't be giving you a complete thought if I didn't deal with it. [snorts] [sighs] [snorts] There's a Oh, thank you very much. There's a [snorts] Parasa this week. This week's para tinf. It's the last bal and the reba there is speaking about bales lighting the candles and uh we know that metaphorically a lighting the candles also represents education. [snorts] that the manner of is kindling like when you make a welllick means to kindle but here the Torah uses a word of aliyah. So rather than saying when you kindle the lights it says when you lift up the lights. Rashia has to deal with that. Why is it using that peculiar phrase? So Dasha says that kindling could mean you kindle, you get in, you get out. What happened afterwards? I don't know. I did my part. Did it stay lit? I don't know. That's called I mean bare bare minimum that that's baloa means that you light the flame until it becomes self-sufficient. until the flame rises of its own accord. So this is a an allegory for what is education? Education is not that my child will do what I told them to do while I'm watching, but they will continue doing what I taught them even when I'm not watching because it becomes who they are becomes integrated. In other words, [snorts] they become self-sufficient. They become independent. That's the goal of you teach a child to ride a bike. You run alongside the child. You hold on to the seat. You don't let go. And then you start letting go for a little bit. And then you grab it again. Then you let go for longer. Then finally you take a few steps and you let them go. And then finally one day you watch them go around the corner. Then you come around the block. Your child can ride a bike. That's baloys. So the whole purpose of is to foster the independence of the child. Now what's interesting about that process, the Reb talks about this in the by the way these are rare words. I don't usually speak this way. I don't usually say the says in a usually don't use those words even though 95% of everything I say is from the and I admit that freely it's just I don't normally say it because it doesn't add anything communicative but in this room for this audience I'm just trying to remind you I'm just trying to trying to remind you that yeah I know this stuff is radical I know this stuff sounds different than what we're used to. I know it's even different than than what you look around and you see doing which is the hardest. But I'm just reminding you the Reb says these these things. Okay. So the Reb speaks about the fact that is interesting because by definition it starts with dependence and it ends with independence. Sort of a paradox. By definition, it starts with dependence because if the mlick doesn't come along, if the person kindling the lamp doesn't come along, the lamp's not going to light itself. So, in the initial phases, it's totally dependent. Think about an infant who's not just dependent for for being taught right and wrong. In fact, an infant can't even learn right and wrong. They're dependent for their basic survival, right? And then as a child grows and matures, they become less and less dependent until finally they're not even morally dependent because they have their own internal moral compass. They know right from wrong on their own. That's the goal of so it's an interesting process. It starts with dependence by definition. It's unavoidable. But it culminates, if done correctly, it culminates in independence where the child can now do what they were taught how to do on their own without prompting, without supervision. Becomes natural to them, becomes their own nature. So [sighs] there's something funny in parasa there's according to some opinions an entire safer unto itself of contained in paras the which we say when we open up the kadesh in you know it's uh has the little the nuns if you look in a in a safe potato or in a chicken kum so uh that's an entire safer unto itself and if indeed one views it as a safer unto itself what that leaves us with is seven kumshim. I know that's an oxymoron because means it means five. It's like what's it called? The fifth bank is that bank out of Cleveland. Fifth Third Bank. Yeah. No one here from Cleveland. Fifth Third Bank. No one knows that guys looking at me like I'm crazy. Okay. Apple Bank. It has nothing to do with what I'm talking about, but just wanted some recognition. Okay. Apple Bank. Totally off the point, but you guys You forced me to do it. Okay, there are seven humashim because well let's count it. You have braces that's normal safer you have that's normal safer that's normal but then what happens is midbar is a safer up until then itself is its own safer then the rest of until the end of the safer is is another safer and then is a is a safer so how many you end up with is seven you end up with seven so it's interesting there are two different perspectives. They're both valid valid perspectives. There's a there's a valid perspective that has five books and there's a valid perspective that ta has seven books. What's the difference between a five book tyra and a seven book tra? A five book corresponds to that's it. That's five. and a seven book titra has and malus. Now what's the difference between the first five spheres and the sixth and seventh sphere? The difference is that the first five spheres are like you talk about insilos through hy basically is only concerned with the operation ofos itself. It's not really concerned with worlds below and malus are external spheres so to speak. Yoid is connection. What do you connect to? Something outside of yourself. Malus is self-expression. To whom do you express yourself? Someone outside of yourself. So yay and malus are the two sphero that represent outward connection or the outer reaches the outer realms of the sphero. So there's one perspective of that's five and there's another perspective of tra that's seven. The perspective of Tyra that's five is that tora is holy tora is abstract is pure. It's separate from the world. It's aloof from the world just like operate on their own level and they're not concerned with lower worlds. And that's a valid perspective of ta. You can say ta is kadusha. What? You want it to be relevant? You want it to be applicable? No, it's holy. It's way too holy to be relevant. And I'm saying it with I'm saying it tongue and cheek because [sighs] we see how that perspective is such a failure. But it is a valid perspective and it's a necessary perspective. And one has to preserve that idea that there's something called kadusha satyo. And sometimes you sit down and you learn a gamura and it doesn't matter if this suga is ever going to apply to your life. You learn it for the kadusha of it. You learn it to like my friend with the rishes called selter says to check out of life. You guys have to know what that reference is, right? No. Okay. Ask your ask you have teenage kids. Ask them to WhatsApp with you. So sometimes you just want to check out a life with an and that's the five faceted toyra it's just through hid it's just higher than the world but then there's another perspective of a perspective of that's all the way down to malos and it does deal with the outer reaches it does deal with world building and with time and space and finite realms and physicality and Tyra was meant to be applied in day-to-day life. That's the sevenfold perspective of Tyra which is also valid perspective and the perspective that most people today are craving. they're craving. How is it relevant? How is it applicable? You know the story about the guy farmer out in his field and he sees uh he looks up, he sees a guy in a hot air balloon about a 100 meters above his head. He looks up and the guy in the hot air balloon shouts down to him and he says to the farmer, he says, "I'm lost. can you help me? The guy in the the farmer the guy in the field says, "Yeah, how do you want me to help you?" He says, "I'm lost. I don't know where I am. Can you tell me where I am?" So the farmer looks up and tells the guy in the hot air balloon, he says, "You're in a hot air balloon." So the guy's like, "Shaka, right? Yeah, I know. I'm in a hot air balloon. Could you get more specific like location?" He says, "You're about 100 meters off the ground." He's like, "Yeah, I know that. I'm I'm trying to figure out my location like in like what am I near? How many miles from a from a from a landmark? I'm trying." He says, "Can I ask you a question?" The guy in the hot air balloon says to the to the farmer. Farmer said, "Yeah." He says, "Are you a rabbi?" The farmer says, "Well, yeah. I I mean, I'm a farmer also, but this farmer was a rabbi also was a rabbi." arm says, "Yeah, I I'm a I am a rabbi. How did you know?" And the guy in the hot air balloon says, "Because from the moment I met you, you answered all my questions and everything you told me was 100% TRUE, BUT TOTALLY IRRELEVANT." That's the five faceted. It doesn't have to be relevant. It's true. The seven faceted tora includes malus and says toyra has to inform our living in this world, our relationships, our business dealings, our mental health. It has to involve everything. Okay, you're with me? You're following me, right? Okay, so here's the deal. This sevenfaceted Tyra that occurs when you break up and say into its own safer. What parha of all the 53 parhas all the 53 Torah portions what para is the parha where tyra becomes a seven-fold ta which para this this week's para so you know that style nothing is coincidence especially in it's got to BE ACCURATE THERE'S GOT TO BE A reason why becomes a sevenfold in paral says yeah no brainer it's easy one to answer you know Hi bales. How many nays? Seven n seven candles. Okay. Oh, but that's cute. That's like a gamatria, you know. [laughter] So, eat another piece of kougal, right? It's not cute. It's very, very, very deep. What are the seven candles? I told you before, you forgot, but I'll remind you. Lighting the seven candles is an allegory for lighting the seven candles means that the student becomes self-sufficient until the flame is able to stand up on its own and it no longer needs anyone to light it. It's going. It's that's what seven is. In order to light all seven candles, you have to engage all seven facets of the human being because these seven spheres they also exist within us. like it speaks about in Peragiml of Tanya that the Esser and Nephes are a mirror image of the Esser spirus la which means that if you want me to take Toro and make it my own to master it and to install it as my own internal moral compass and I no longer need someone watching over me and proddding and prompting if you want me to become a flame that stands up on in its own right, then you're going to have to engage all of me. Not just the first five facets that have to do with abstraction, but even the sixth and the seventh facets which have to do with my experience of life in the real world, in the physical world, with with my emotions and my personality and my body, my physical experiences. You have to [snorts] engage me on that level. And in fact, the says even lower than that because in malus in are external but holy and malus in lower actually from that isal kipa and that a person could god forbid have a relationship with kipa but through having god forbid a relationship with kipa he can come back in a new way which is called tshouva and so really what is he saying here that for Toyota to become integrated and that's the word I'm using integrated so that the student really owns it the educator has to engage every aspect OF THE STUDENT NOT JUST information our children are not brains in a jar are from the way they spend 90% of their day. You would think there's A BUNCH OF BRAINS AND JARS SITTING IN chairs and a brain in a jar on a table and there's a data dump. What do you do with the what's that iPhone thing where you want to what's the thing called? What? Airdrop. Right. Airrop. A bunch of brains and jars airdropping information to each other. That's a five-fold ta, but that's not a tra that a child will internalize and keep on their own. That's a flame you have to keep relighting it. Keep relighting it. Keep relighting it. Keep relighting it. It's exhausting. And finally, you say, "I quit. You're too much trouble. Hey, I guess there's something wrong with your wick. If you don't engage every level of a child, that means not only the intellect. And how do we reward children? How do we TELL THEM THAT THEY'RE GOOD? Chiefly based on their ability to retain and regurgitate information. If you tell a child that his connection to Yiddish kite is purely based on the ability to retain and regurgitate information, OF COURSE HE'S NOT ENGAGED. And of course, he doesn't become a candle that can burn on his own. So the minute the teacher leaves the room, all bets are off. And the minute there's no more mashk checking in on your dorm, the minute you're out in real life, you're an adult, the minute you figure out how to hide from your neighbors and go under the radar from the social pressure or stop caring about the social pressure, you don't have an internalized moral compass that's true to Yiddish kite. No one ever did that for you. They told you a bunch of stuff that they told you to believe them is true. And you said, "How do I know it's true?" And you said, "You don't got to know it's true. You just got to know that it's true and that's it and just believe me." Well, if it's so true, I should see it in my life. I shouldn't have to learn to for kadusha and go on YouTube and watch Jordan Peterson for relevancy. That is a hurban. and that any fury who ever learned in yeshiva should have to go watch a YouTube pundit to be inspired as a now I don't blame him for doing it because he was uninspired he wanted meaning somewhere but are you okay with this being the STATUS QUO YOU'RE OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT A CHILD GOES THROUGH YESHIVA AND HE COMES OUT AND HE SAYS I DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO THINK UNTIL I WENT TO COLLEGE I DIDN'T LEARN HOW TO FEEL UNTIL I WENT TO THERAPY THAT'S OKAY WITH It's not okay with me. Especially someone who's learning should tell me that my mind and heart were so thoroughly engaged. My critical thinking, my creativity. What does it mean? I'm going to translate it in SIMPLE ENGLISH. SHALLAH. IT MEANS SOMEBODY WHO knows how to think for themselves. You can't have your cake and eat IT TOO. YOU CAN'T USE SOCIAL PRESSURE TO MAKE PEOPLE AFRAID to think for themselves and then wonder why they're dropping like flies. The only way to keep people in the fold today is to teach them to think for themselves. What are you afraid of? That they'll form a personal relationship with Hashem like the kid at the AA meeting. You're afraid they'll find it there instead of yeshiva. Give it to them in your home. Give it to them in the yeshiva. That's where he should have gotten it. So, we have to engage children on every level. And that means not just brains and jars doing the uh airdrop, but emotions. How did that make you feel? How did that make you feel? You learned a from the Reb. The Reb said aish. How did it make you feel? So unless a kid is really bright and has a gishmach in learning because he's cerebral. So he might say, "I liked it. I enjoyed it." But he's not even responding to the token of the of the of the teaching, he's just enjoying the fact that he was able to cap. So he has a little bit of an emotional reaction. But I I don't understand why even the least cerebral kid in the class shouldn't be asked. How did that make you feel? And I'm sorry if you're the teacher. If the least cerebral kid in your class doesn't have an emotional reaction to the Reb's kadesh, you got to slow down. You're teaching too fast, who you trying to impress? But it goes even beyond that because it's not just intellect, not just emotion. We have lower faculties. It has to become physical. We have to feel it in our bodies. Has to be sensorial. Thank God we have a living tora. Toyota is not for brains and jars. Toyota is for brains in bodies in the meat suit, the physical body. That's why we have to go on more field trips to do more experiences. You can't just tell somebody about kassid. You take a kid with you. Mommy's going to bring soup to this uh mommy who just gave birth. You have experiences like that holding the holding the hot soup on Friday afternoon and carrying it and you have to be careful. You have to use the mitts so you don't get burned and you're trying to balance it there. That that's education. Physical sensorial experiences is so full of that stuff. It's full of that stuff that Ebis spoke about. Remember I came up here a couple hours ago and I and I was talking about the the decor I was talking about it's important to create a physical space. Yeah. You know those the those props that we put in the kids' room the the Tanya the pushka that says that that's to create a physical experience. That's in order to concretize the abstract. That Yiddish kite shouldn't just be ideas or theory, but that the child should be able to see and touch touch and and and to physically, you know, it has to be kinesthetic. It has to be uh you're in a space in time and space. You're in this room and there are objects in the room and AND THAT GROUNDS YOU. That grounds you. And if you don't have that grounding, you don't have those objects, then what's Yiddishkai? It's it's it's in space and you either you fly out into space or you say I I you get terrified and you say I can't go for this ride and then you look for other things to ground you. And if you're just looking for grounding, you're looking for things that will stimulate the body, things that will soothe the nervous system there. There are a lot of cheap, easy thrills that will do that for you. If God forbid you don't have authentic holy ways of expressing all of my bones will say will declare Hashem's praise. It has to be tactile and kinesesthetic and physical and sensorial and that's why we shuckle when we dive in. And that's why we dive in with a coil with a voice so that it's physical. It's sensorial. But a child who's sensorially deprived will go out and look for sensorial stimulus. Oh, who to thunk? Who to th means there are seven facets. You got to deal with all of them. Even malus and it goes lower than that. It goes lower than that because I told you you say malus actually with lends itself to muck for kipa. And what does that mean? [snorts] That means that most people who will experience embodiment on this physical plane will experience spiritual wounding either at the hands of others or even self-inflicted spiritual wounds. If you want a child to be a shall if you want them to internalize the teachings so it's not just you spying on them and prompting them and proddding them but that they own it and it's integrated and it becomes who they are and they bring it with them wherever they go. You have to address all seven facets and that includes even what comes from which is the muck for which means that if a child and most of us do if a child has a shame a moment of spiritual brokenness a moment of moral failure you must bring tyra into that place too. And if you don't, don't be shocked that it's not viable. Don't be shocked that it has no kum because for the flame to remain lit on its own even when you're no longer prompting and bribing and and threatening and and and consequences and all when you leave the room and this n is shining on its own thinking for himself and feeling and experiencing and and living in alignment with with Jewish VALUES BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY'VE CHOSEN. chosen because that's WHAT THEY VALUE. NOT BECAUSE YOU BRIBE them and not because you threaten them, but because that's WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT. YOU WANT THAT RESULT. You want that kin should culminate in independence and self-sufficiency. And if you don't, by the way, I have to self-censor a lot. There are people who don't want kinuk to culminate in independence and self-sufficiency and they have an interest in that and that's all I'll say about that topic. But any mother has compassion on your child and of course the greatest nakas you could have is that your child doesn't need you. In fact the greatest nakas you can have is your child surpasses you. So of course you want your child to become successful in their own yiddish kite in their own relationship with Hashem not because did you bench? How long are you going to do that for? Did you bench? I got a letter from the ammy. I remember I used to write that weekly column. A woman wrote to me and asked, "Is it okay to remind my son to make brahas?" And I read on and the son is 35 years old. I mean, at what point are you going to stop that? So, here's what I'm telling you. If you want a child who's self-sufficient, who owns their Yiddish kite, then you're going to have to address every level of the child. Intellectual, emotional, physical, experiential, canesthetic, sensorial, and even the stuff that's bottom of the barrel, nasty stuff, the failures, the shame, the brokenness. Going to have to bring you the kite there, which is actually pretty easy because we have thousands of my mutumm about chuva. The tools were given to us. No one has to reinvent the wheel. No one has to reinvent the wheel. We have so much rich information to teach a child that Hashem is with them even in their brokenness, especially in their brokenness. So if you do that, if you have a sevenfold approach to to which addresses all of the child, then you're going to have with a shall they become self-sufficient, independent. They know how to do it on their own. And now just for fun, who's the one in the who Hashem's speaking to is telling them to do that. All right. And who's Arin? What do we know about Ain? Pierovves tells us be like Ain or be like the disciples of Ain. What do we know about Aarin? Obriano. Ain loved people and not just people. He loved bri. What are bri means cre creations or creatures. It means somebody who you look at and you don't see any redeeming value unless you think to yourself, well, they are Hashem's creation and that itself means they have infinite value. Who's the educator who's able to lovingly without judgment engage every aspect of a child intellectual, emotional, physical and even their brokenness. Only that educator or parent who is who sees inherent value in a person just because Hashem made them. Which is another way of saying that he finds value even in the lowest of human experiences. Not like the teacher or the parent who says when my child will ask a bright question then I'll be engaged and I'll give them a a bright answer is engaging your child on the lower levels making yishkite experiential and doing doing projects and and and field trips and outings and also on the lowest lowest levels dealing with their failures dealing with their insecurities their moral failures their moral insecurities, the stuff that they don't tell you because they're afraid you're not an afraid that if you'll see the part of them that is that they'll be rejected. So why did I tell you these two things? You're saying you told me a thousand things. No, I told you two things. I told you two things. I told you two things. The one the first thing I told you is that reward and punishment don't work anymore. We're in a new age, a new paradigm. They're not motivators anymore. Children want God. That was the first thing I told you. Remember that. Second thing I told you is the goal of education is to foster independence, self-sufficiency, that the child should go out and live in accordance with values and morals and ideals without being prompted or prodded or or bribed or or threatened. That they've totally internalized the moral compass on their own. And that the way to do that is to engage every aspect of them, to validate every aspect of them. So take those two ideas and put them together. If I can't even bribe or threaten my kid anymore, what's going to work? What's going to work? I'll tell you what's going to work. connection. Real connection. Know your child. You know said, "I learned a from two drunks." He said he was at a tavern. In the old days, a lot of Jews owned taverns. Wasn't like today, like a bar of today. It wasn't like he was I told this story once to a group. This one Israeli guy, he got really he's like he went into a club. [laughter] I said, "Yeah, he needed change for the meter." So in the old days, a kretchma, you know, it was it was a it was where people would buy drinks, but it was also an inn. It was a place to feed the horses. So Leit was in the Kretch. It was in the inn and there was the two drunk non-Jews, two Ivans and they were drunk and you know some people get fighting drunk, some people are loving drunk. So they were loving drunk and one of them was saying the other I love you man or in Russian however you say I love you man. And uh the other one was like, "No, no, you don't love me." He's like, "Yeah, I love you. I love you. I love you. No, you don't love me. Yeah, I love you. No, you don't love me." And Leb was watching this whole thing. And finally, the second guy says, the first guy, "You don't love me. If you loved me, then you would know what hurts me." When you can't fall asleep at 3 in the morning. You know what you worry about. In fact, maybe your child is one of the things that you worry about. Do you know what your child worries about? Each one of your children. Do you know your child? When your child is up at 3 in the morning, do you know what she's thinking about? What are her insecurities? What are her worries? And go and think about each one of your children. THAT IS A MILLION TIMES MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY STUPID BRIBE. CONNECTION. Knowing your child, knowing them, VALIDATING THEM, ACCEPTING THEM, SHOWING THEM HOW TO CONFRONT THEIR OWN moral shortcomings with courage and with gentleness and with self-love, with the tools of that teaches how to do chuva. That is a million times more powerful than any stupid bribe. So, you're going to ask yourself, what can I use today? you're going to have to have a relationship with your child. You're going to say, "But my child doesn't want to have a relationship with me." Every child wants to have a relationship with a parent. And if you want to know, go find out from people who are estranged from their parents. Even even the people where the child cut off from THE PARENT BECAUSE THE parent is dysfunctional. and find out how much that child, THE ADULT CHILD, MOURNS THE loss of what they could have had if they had a normal parent. You go tell me that wound ever goes away. It never goes away because every human being yearns to be connected to their parents. So if your child is rebuffing your overtures for bonding, just be humble and consider the possibility that your child doesn't want to be made a fool of. Maybe they don't know that you're sincere. Maybe they don't trust you. That's okay. A parent has infinite patience. We have all the time in the world. We'll wait this out and we will earn our children's trust. We will prove ourselves worthy of trust. Well, who are they to expect me to prove myself to them? You know what? You're right. 100% right. You're right. And you're going to take your rightness and go all the way to the grave, making yourself and your child miserable. Maybe just a little humility and say to yourself, if I really believed that my child's entire success in life, their spiritual well-being, their religious observance, their relationship with God, their their mental health, their emotional health, their social health, their physical health, all depends or at least to a great extent depends on how connected they feel with me. I think you can humble yourself to invest in winning their trust. If you knew all that depends on winning their trust. And when we do that, when we give our children a holistic bond that engages every level of their selfhood, we give them a gift that is infinitely more precious than anything else that we can provide for them. And in fact, no one else can provide for them. There are great educators. There are great therapists and mashiam and all types of helping people who will step up and help a child. But what a thousand educators and a thousand experts can do for one child will never equal what one loving parent can do simply by providing a real bond. And that is so much more powerful than the bribes and the threats. The bribes and the threats stopped working because we don't need them anymore. But what do our children need? They need our love. They need our acceptance. They need our respect. And you can tell me that that's not how it was done. That's not what we saw from our parents. Certainly not from our grandparents. You're going to say they did it wrong. No, they did it right. Butim, the world is different today. Critical software updates for your system are available and ready to be installed. Okay. Everyone should have lots and lots and lots of nas from their children and their children should have lots of nakas from them. Okay.