Moms get ready for SUMMER BREAK

so uh i'm sure you all uh heard the old joke it's uh ev every every winter whenever there's a snow day it always goes around on whatsapp but you know for you know for old times sake i'll tell it over here there's a snow day in uh in yeshiva so all the classes are cancelled and the the principal goes down to school anyway to you know do some paperwork and as the principal's walking down the hall he passes by the third grade classroom and he sees the third grade rebbe sitting at his desk and he opens the door he says rabbi you don't have to be here there are no kids here today he says exactly at home i got six of them so i'm not sure entirely all of the concerns that everybody has about the summer but i imagine one of the concerns is the amount of time that your children are going to be home which is probably more than the rest of the year and i i'm looking out in the crowd i see this is predominantly a female audience so you know why do why do i draw attention to that because with men when you have kids at home men can find an etsa you know this i don't know if i should tell this joke but i already started it so it's not i don't know it's not so nice but there's there's an old joke about you know that the the philos were established by the obvious that's not a joke by the way that's that part's real so chakras is right the morning prayer and munich yitzchak yitzchak the evening prayer why why did yankees make might of if you had 12 kids at home you'd also find an excuse to get out in the evening so the men have uh ates but a woman as as we know is a kerasabias so when you're the foundation of the home it doesn't really work so much to remove yourself from the home in fact even from one very heightened perspective there's a sichua that ever speaks about one of the tanayama of yaci he used to refer to his wife as his home he called her basie which i was told later you have to be careful you have to explain that because it's not necessarily a compliment you i was call your wife my house and you have to explain my my home my my household my well whatever basie whatever okay anyway but the point is you have all this action going on in the house and the kids the kids are underfoot and it's like okay what am i going to do with them so here's here's the first thing that i want to tell you it's actually it's a good wake-up call when the kids are home because it will serve to disabuse you of the notion the false sense of security that is brought on by the state called out of sight out of mind you know what i'm talking about out of sight out of mind so if my kid is at school you know they must be okay everything's taken care of and what i want to tell you is that's not so no no your kid's okay they're safe they're all right bro beautiful but schools are wonderful the schools are doing their job but that's that's precisely the point they're only doing their job they're doing their job see here's the thing here's here's what you have to know and i've seen this thousands of times you can take a room full of the world's greatest experts in education teachers therapists learning experts whatever you want a thousand of the world's greatest experts in education and what a thousand experts educators rabbis all together can do for one child will never amount not even close to what one loving parent can do for their own child okay applaud that that's okay you're applauding yourselves it's okay that's right your parents right okay yeah all right give yourselves a round of applause okay how about that all right but it's it's not a joke what your child gets at school is a bonus it's an addition to what they're getting from you and is it possible that somebody didn't grow up in a supportive home and they didn't have a tent of parents and despite all odds they go out and they find an adult role model and they succeed even though they didn't have what they needed at home yes of course it could happen of course people do that and it takes the agia atsuma it takes an intense toil it can be done but it's it's an uphill battle the reality is that what a child gets at home is the eaker and what they get outside of the home is the toefl and i'm sure the schools themselves are the first to agree with that i i want to explain what a child gets from being safe and loved and accepted by their parents by their co-creators by the people who brought them into the world along with hashem that provides the foundation that a school can come in and have something to work with so this is what i want you to know that yes it's true that becomes quantitatively speaking our children spend the most amount of time out of the house but the egos speaking there's absolutely no question at all that school is the toefl and the home is the eaker by the way that's the way it is with all of you this kite the shul is not the center of judaism the home is the center of judaism this the shul is a satellite the base the core i mean think about it we survived two thousand years in exile without the infrastructure without the organizations that normal nation states have how did we do it because our center wasn't in some capital or in some cathedral or some vatican lahavdil the capital of the jewish people was in every single jewish home overseen by jewish mothers the survival of the jewish people is because they could never take away the real secret which was the jewish people endure and thrive because our homes are strong and jewish mothers are the ones who make those homes strong that's that's the secret of a people in exile so now even when we have the luxury we have the luxury to have moistness nice buildings nice classrooms nice resources that didn't come to take the place of the home it's a nice addition it's a nice addition so that's the first thing i want to tell you is there's this illusion of out of sight out of mind that as long as my kid is spending six seven eight hours a day at this place that's supposed to educate them oh now they're taken care of and as long as when they come home i feed them i did my job what i'm telling you is no you cannot rely on an institution to do what only a mother's love a mother's touch can do i'm sorry you can't when your your child has a mother's love and a mother's touch then you can send them to a school and they can benefit from an education but it's not the other way around don't put the cart before the horse so all year long you're able to indulge yourself in this false sense of security that at least the yiddish kite part is taken care of because they're in school and when they come home at least you know i'll feed them i make sure they don't kill each other and i did my job i'm yates but i'm telling you it's not that way even during the school year it's not that way so that's the first thing that i want you to know the second thing which is a related idea is that this is especially true with girls this is especially true with girls where did public education begin actually in the in the whole world i was going to say among you but it's the same answer because the jewish people were the first people to have public education there was a atana it was and he saw that there was a crisis that everyone has a mitzvah and not everyone was capable fulfilling the mitzvah so he created public schools he created a a social uh safety net basically that the community would come and provide an education for everybody's child so the first thing you have to realize is that your child's is your mitzvah that's you that's on you biti avid since for whatever reason we can't practically discharge the the obligation so we have this infrastructure which comes and supports us and helps us to discharge our obligation but it's not their obligation it's ours so really the entire mitzvah never stopped being your mitzvah even though you sent them to school that's your shliyak but your responsibility to be mechanically your children never ends now that's with boys and girls let's talk specifically about girls girls didn't used to go to school at all and the times would be shub and gamble girls didn't go to school in fact 200 years ago 150 years ago the girl girls didn't go to school why were girls schools even started because we saw that in the world there were influences there were rujais that were very strong and in order to bolster and to strengthen jewish girls we had to give them even more than what they got at home it used to be that everything you needed to know to be a strong jewish woman and to raise your own home was to grow up in your mother's home that's all you needed to know whatever you could get in your mother's home that was enough to go out get married have your own children have your own home but then there were other forces in the world and we had to combat them and that's what the schools came and they did but here's the thing to realize saying before the parent's job always remains primary the school is always secondary with a girl it's even more so because the primary of a girl never stopped being the chinook that you get in the home the idea of girls schools the girls school movement in the from world the reason why a baseball came into being was to supplement what girls got at home not to substitute it was to supplement not to substitute so yes it's beautiful that today our girls they know history and they know nach and they know grammar and they can tell us which animal was used for ahatas and it's incredible the things that they know and they they know tanya and they know sikhs but none of that is a substitute for watching your mother at home run a jewish home and it never will be so it's actually i mean i know it's very i feel very awkward standing up here as a man telling you this i i said the irony is not lost on me i do get it's very easy for me to say i got to have my of by the way like i understand it's very easy for me to talk here okay you know what you know what hazal say even when it comes to learning i'm talking about lima terra it says shimusha gi de la milimuda you know what that means it talks about elisha who was the talmud of elio and and the gemara asks why when toyota describes elisha it says he was the one who used to pour water for elio that's how you describe him a schlepper he poured water why didn't you say that he was the ptolemy develo it was macabul the toyota familio he was makable he he taught him the the derek describe him as as a disciple why does it say he he got him water the mother says even when you're talking about a rav talmud relationship that the real effect you have is not information it's not teaching them stuff it's about involving them in hands-on activities come on we're we're going to make kala come on let's get the little kids dressed for shabbos oh you know what uh our neighbor wasn't feeling well could you bring this gefilte fish down the hall to the neighbor shimusha hands-on participatory experiential judaism now that's important for everyone for everyone shimusha daila muda even for rav and talmud relationship how much more so a mother and a daughter where the main of the daughter always will remain but she gets it home from from her mother and everything else she gets academically that's a beautiful bonus so not only does the summer come and rob us of the the the false sense of security that out of sight out of mind but actually what does it do it's a beautiful thing gives us an opportunity to give our daughters what they're thirsting for what they really really crave what they really need what they they may not tell you this they may not know it that itself shows you how thirsty they are that they can't even articulate the thirst they can't even explain to you that this is what they crave but to be involved in hands-on day-to-day yiddish kite with mommy in the home that is the foundation that's everything now of course it's a lot of work it's a lot of work parenting is a lot of work eventually kids grow up eventually i'm so so i'm told you know they do get married they do move out of the house but here's what i want to tell you i i don't want to be up like uh what do you call the joy kill here you guys had some laughs before i came here right so it's okay if i get serious i i have this uh webinar going on parenting webinar and we have a hundred women right now next after it's a six week webinar so we're on week three so after the women finish we'll have the men we got a hundred women signed up so that means you know the ratio probably get like five men but if if we do well man anyways yeah we have we have a hundred women right now and we're doing we have this parenting webinar which bar hashem is uh is amazing we have thursday night we do 90 minutes on zoom and then all week long there's a there's a whatsapp chat where we discuss the ideas and uh anyway so today we were discussing the idea of transmitting values to our children what does it mean to transmit values and um because i was saying you know parenting is one thing parenting is vision living teach them what's them torah values to your children and speak about them about torah values it has to be that that's what parenting is it's instilling values teaching them what's important teaching them how to prioritize what matters in life that that took values value means something that you cherish i want to have to make a decision between what's right and what's comfortable when i have to decide between between something that's material advantageous and something that's spiritually nourishing right that's what values mean so is transmitting value so i said basically there are four p's there's policing protecting providing and then there's parenting so policing protecting providing those are all the necessary evils that's the stuff that we do to keep peace in the home to make sure the kids are fed that they have clothing that they're emotionally safe all that kind of stuff none of that's parenting it's all a prerequisite for parenting because a child who's not fed who doesn't have a place to sleep who doesn't who doesn't feel emotionally secure who's not physically safe from harm they don't have all those things then you can't begin the transmission of values so those are pretty important as prerequisites but none of those are parenting which is you know the example that i gave is when a kid is going to run in the street and you grab them and you say don't run in the street okay so obviously you have to do that but that's not parenting that's protecting that's policing you stop them from running in the street but don't say well why didn't they learn why don't they learn because that wasn't you weren't teaching you weren't transmitting values when a cop pulls you over for speeding what does it teach you not to speed no teaches you not to get caught it doesn't right policing that at best it will get you compliance compliance in front of you while you're watching and then when you're not in the room they do whatever the heck they want and also you know at worst it teaches them to lie because they they don't want to disappoint you right but values transmission which is real parenting is to get the kids to care to get the kids to care to get them to value what i value to make decisions based on the priorities that i want them to base their decision making on that's parenting so policing protecting providing those are prerequisites we've got to do that we've got to provide safety and nutrition and all of the things that allow a child to grow but then after all that's done that's when asked we begin the job called parenting which is teaching them what to care about so i was saying on the on the group that when it comes to transmitting values what's the difference between um you know catching a kid out you know busting him basically or her and power tripping because i'm the big you know i'm the big adult you're the little kid you have to do what i say right i caught you doing this now you got to do that what's the difference between that which we all know is not successful and actually transmitting a value teaching them that something's important so that they themselves come to value it and think that it's important so i said look ask yourself ask yourself if god forbid you knew that you had to make a last will and testament you had to record a two-hour speech and this is what was going to be shown to your children you weren't going to be there god forbid to raise them and you could speak for two hours okay after you tell them i love you and you're precious to me and all those things but after that what are you going to talk about for the two hours what are you going to transmit to them you're going to talk about whatever is most precious to you whatever is most dear to you you're going to teach them what to care about in life how to make good choices how to know who who good people are your ethical will you know that rebel rishabh wrote an ethical will it's called chanek lenar and as he thought he was going to pass away and he wrote a whole book just on this is what i want my child my only child to know if i'm not there to raise him it's it's worth a read just to be inspired by the fact that a father would sit down and pen such a booklet to his child but here's my queen what's your chanel what's your ethical will if you had to record a two-hour ted talk about what matters in life what would you tell your child is important and then ask yourself if we were to interview your kids right now how much of what you want them to know as important in life do they know already is important in life and if there's a discrepancy what's our game plan for filling in the gap and teaching them because you can't say just because i told you to bench that i taught you that benching is valuable that's policing not parenting you can't say that because i sent you to a school where they bench that i taught you benching is important parenting is the transmission of a value transmission means you cannot give away what you haven't got if you have it if you care for it then your child can get it from you so parenting is the transmission of values so i was mentioning on the whatsapp i was whatever a story that i had forgotten about but i was inspired to mention it so i said you know what parenting is i told him a story i didn't say it with the name at first because i didn't know if i had permission to to say it with the name later on someone came in and confirmed that the story was real which i received many texts from individuals saying how it made it much more real for them they heard it with the name it was uh it was leviathan shapiro all of a sudden so anyways he was 90 years old he had pneumonia it was sheminatus and he wanted a cup of tea so he went out to the sukkah and it was raining it was raining now it's miniatures it's raining he's 90 years old with pneumonia what are you doing going on in the sucker for a cup of tea and his adult children say to him don't do it don't go sit here drink the tea believe it says one word incredulously he was 90 years old he didn't have little kids all his kids are adults they're all grown renuki says oh maybe the eight o'clock right nobody was home the whole house was empty everyone was at hakovas which they said todd nobody's home sit down and drink the tea he said when kainer wasted what you do when nobody knows again i thought i i said i'm gonna i'm gonna make things intense i'm admitting i know it's an intense story but think about that think about what that means it means if i ever shared it with you my dear children it was because this was so real to me le mafreia at 90 years old if i show that i was only doing it because i wanted my kids to do it then it wasn't the value it was policing it was power tripping it was catching kids and making them do what what i'm making them do just because i'm big and strong and i can force them to but when a 90 year old pneumonia says i'm drinking my tea in the sukkah even when it rains what it means is these are my values this is who i am and this is what i share with with my beloved children so here's what i want you to know your children have an opportunity now when they're home more often to find out what your real values are now don't be scared no no no it's not a threat i'm not trying i'm trying to scare you you have good values you want to you want me to should i say muslim should i come into you people have no values you like you would you like that your kids don't like it you don't like it okay wrong crowd exactly there are some crowds who love it by the way i won't name where but okay but you have good values and you have a delicious opportunity for your children to see to get a glimpse of some of your values now do you need help do you need to be bolstered do you need to be extra strong and cut in in times like this yes of course so i heard somebody it wasn't me somebody mentioned soulwords.org so there you go there's your resource but but in all seriousness but hashem today with the internet where dardeya for better for worse you can always have a share going whatever you're doing just have a share in the background don't worry i'm not paying attention i i spaced out for 20 minutes of course you did it's fine it's mettaer the aviar okay just have it on and even if you don't play it out loud because sometimes you know it could be annoying and you know just even if you have it in your in your ear what are you called your ear pods trust me they know they know when you're listening to a sheer in the ear pods and it is it does purify your home i'm talking on spiritual levels but then there's practical levels too that when you have a toyota on the tip of your tongue then you get to be their mashpiya their main mashbia in life and when you go out for a walk in the park or or or you take them shopping which is real especially for from a mother to a girl while you're walking and you're having a pleasant relaxed time together and there's no pressure and you just gush forth with a vort from the rabbit because it's just so natural it's because you're not trying to you're not preaching to anyone this just it's what you're passionate about that's what i have in me it's what's coming out of me i would be talking about this stuff if nobody was watching and i promise you even though became most of their educational experiences happen in school the ejos qualitatively the formative moments in their life are those moments walking down kingston avenue walking into the grocery store and you just say a 10 second vote just not even because you're trying to sound smart not because you want them to know it but just because you're passionate about it and you want to share it with the person you love and and and you think they didn't even hear it he didn't even they didn't respond i promise you those words from your heart go into their precious little hearts and they make such an impact and you can't have those opportunities as often when they're all day in school so this is a precious opportunity there's nothing like it and i know this is trite and i know it's obnoxious but what do you want i'm behind a microphone that's par for the course i'm gonna say it anyways they say about parenting don't throw eggs at me the days are long and the years are short yeah it's a grueling job but you do wake up one day and you realize that you made it and the nachos is incredible so the summer days i kept shooting longer days like it gets dark much later and if the kids are home that makes it even longer but that's not a bad thing it's a wonderful thing it's time where your children get to really absorb the essence of genoch and then when you send them back to school the schools have what to build on the schools have what to build on but it's the foundation is you you are the foundation you are irreplaceable okay thanks you