Codependency is NOT love! (What if YOU are the toxic one?)

they loved in an unhealthy way rabish shim showed us how to love in a healthy way what's the story ofish shim tonight's talk is called how to stop controlling and start loving and uh the topic was chosen because of the time of the year what's the connection to the time of the year right now we're in the middle of SPO which is is a time of minor AOS mourning for the Jewish people because during this period of time 24,000 students of RAB AA perished in an epidemic in a plague and it seems astonishing that a great teacher such as RAB AKA would have students who were worthy of death and the explanation that the gamar gives us is even more astonishing the gamar tells us that they were being punished because they didn't treat each other respectfully they didn't give each other honor so as I said the explanation is even more astonishing what was rea's Anthem what was his Banner reaba is the one famously who said love your fellow as yourself this is a major principle of the to this concept of of loving your fellow so students of the man who taught love ended up incapable of treating each other respectfully and maybe you're going to say well maybe they were just wannabes theya wannabes you know they were tagong but no we're told they are they are tala they are his tal they're his disciples so what in the world went wrong you know our sages tell us that that no two human beings have the same mind everybody's mind works differently and accordingly that means that however many students Raba had that's how many different ways of being a student of reaba there were so these 24 th000 students were all students of one man and yet they all had a little bit of a different perspective being that each one of us is different now what do I care if you think differently than I do what does it bother me you know the ker has a vort theor says no I mentioned before that no two people have the same mind actually the full context of the of the passage there to the gas says that just like no two people have the same face same parts of same facial features no two people have the same mind so the the kutser said why does the Gamora compare the two why does it say it like that just say no two people have the same mind so he explained if you meet somebody whose face doesn't look like yours you meet somebody they're not your identical twin they're not your doppelganger BS you makes you m hey how dare you look not like me no it doesn't even occur to you so how come it's annoying when you confront somebody with a different way of looking at reality than you do so really it shouldn't bother us that somebody has a different way of seeing things but here's the problem Rea students they couldn't live with that they couldn't abide by somebody else not having the same perspective as they had you know why they couldn't abide by it because they loved each other not because of not because of a lack of a love not CU they didn't have enough of a love for each other but because they had so much of a love for their fellow they couldn't stand to see him be wrong and that's what destroyed them of course in their case being very lofty very righteous people the Judgment was more exacting Hashem judges the righteous until a hair's breath but there's a lesson here for all of us sometimes what is the most destructive force in a relationship is not the lack of love but the wrong type of a Love or the misdirection of the love and that's really the story of the destruction of the demise of these 24,000 students in fact you might even say that not only did they get from reab AKA to love your fellow but they picked up another uh idea from him as well sacrifice what was it known for sacrifice we read about it on on yipper and the ma and the daving about Mal about the 10 martyrs AA was a martyr AA was the one who said that my entire life I was yearning for martyrdom and then the Romans gave him the opportunity to do it they took his life Soo was a martyr now what do you get when you put together intense love for another and martyrdom love martyrs now in Rab AA he was able to do it in the healthiest way RAB AA wasn't exceptionally holy holy is not even the word um Divine man you know we say that there are 10 Martyrs why were the 10 Martyrs because uh the the evil King said it was a punishment for the 10 brothers who kidnapped ysf right there were 12 Brothers in total ysf was the victim Benyamin wasn't there but if you remember ruen had left he didn't want to be part of it so how did they have a minion how did they have a tenth they included KES himself in The Pact so the 10 Martyrs stood for the 10 members of the PCT RAB AO was the one who represented hashem's part in the deal in other words RAB AO was so holy he was an embodiment a representation of divinity so in Rab AKA Marty and love coupled together did no harm no harm at all it was holy it was healthy it was wholesome but in his students it came out in a little bit of a dysfunctional way and they ended up being love Martyrs what does that mean a love martyr I'm going to love you I'm going to fix you I'm going to make you the way I know you have to be or I'm going to die trying and there's a clinical term for that by the way you know what it's called a Jewish mother by the way the clinic term by the way as a codependent I learned on one at one moment have had an epiphany and I realized that I could double my comedic repertoire in one moment when I realized that all of the codependent jokes they tell in recovery are identical with the Jewish mother jokes that the Jews tell so you just swapped them and then I doubled my comedic repertoire like yeah codependent jokes Jewish mother jokes the same the same jokes like how many Jewish mother how many Jewish Mothers does it take to uh screw in a light bulb don't worry about me I'll sit in the dark or um codependent one what's the last thing a codependent sees before he dies somebody else's life flashes before his eyes okay so basically you're talking about somebody who says honey I'm here for you I'm going to fix you my life is about you I have no life no I don't deserve a life my life's on hold because I'm I'm taking care of you and uh and I'm going to die trying to fix you yeah and uh it's painfully painfully painfully true I mean when I say I'm going to die trying to fix you I don't I don't mean it h as Hyperbole and I don't know what the you know medical examiners write down as cause of death when people go to their grave having put their entire life on hold trying to save somebody else from their own dysfunction but it's a serious it's not a joke the misery the living hell on Earth I get a lot of calls still I get a lot of calls from people who are dealing with addiction in the family I never asked for this I never put I never put up a shingle I'm not an expert by any stretch I wrote a book on addiction and recovery but it's allus and I make it very clear that that's what it is but nevertheless I get a lot of calls people call me with questions about addiction and I try to send them to the appropriate help 80% of the calls I get are not from addicts they're from friends and family or mostly family of addicts and it's very difficult to answer a question to the person who's trying to fix somebody else's problem but let me just tell you classically what happens they'll call me up they'll say we have a problem it's my mother my father my wife my husband my son my daughter my brother my sister whoever it is they're out of control we tried this we tried that we went to experts we spent all this money we don't know what to do what what can we do so uh I've had this call so many times I've you know I'm used to it what I've realized is probably the most efficient way to streamline the conversation is I ask I ask a question because I know I can't give solutions to somebody about somebody else so what am I supposed to tell the person who's calling they're calling about somebody else I'm supposed to what I can only offer the person who I'm talking to something that they can do fors I can't offer you something to do for somebody else you know there's free choice right free choice free choice is the freedom to choose your own behavior not to choose other people's behavior no matter how right you think you are no no matter how right you know you are and even if a voice from heaven will come forth and and confirm that you're right your free choice still only extends to your own behavior you can't you can't choose how somebody else is going to behave even if you're watching them spiral into destruction so I asked the question I asked them let me ask you something I'm sure that you're not calling me right now on a good day right you're picking up the phone you're calling out for help you're probably at a low point right now maybe even the lowest so far probably a lot of insanity a lot of drama going on right now a lot of fear Panic dread and I say all of these things because I'm just for a couple of reasons one is I'm trying to let them know that I'm not minimizing the situation I know how crazy it is but secondly I I'm I'm I'm telling them to save time because every story is the same story I mean the the details might be different but the same story the roller coaster the the the the raised hopes and then the crash and then the the disappointment and the Betrayal it's the same story every time so I say I know you're going through Insanity through drama sometimes I call it the roller coaster I know you're on a roller coaster so my question for you is this if there were a way that you could get your Sur Serenity back get your life back even if your loved one doesn't change would you be interested in that I'm going to ask you something let's say that I've had that phone call a 100 times I would guess it's a lot more than 100 but for easy math let's say that I've had that conversation a 100 times how many times out of a 100 do you think the answer is yes I'm interested let me hear about that 100 Z right I'd say five so this is a realistic crowd over here I heard zero and I heard five I'd guess it's somewhere between 0 and five yeah no it's between 0 and five yeah it's not zero no it's a few maybe three or four out of 100 but 95 96 97% easily easily will say to me no no I'm not interested no that's not what I want and even if you reiterate it to that you know just to make sure they understood the options behind door number one I mean I don't mind I I don't mean to to trivialize it I'm not trying to be funny but okay option number one is you continue on the roller coaster the insanity of trying to fix this person and option number two is you get your life back you get your Serenity back you get yourself back and they say no no I don't want that okay so that's a love martyr and it's no joke people die from this like I said I don't know what the medical examiner writes is the cause of death but people die from this they go to early Graves from this they drive themselves and their entire family and sometimes entire Community insane and it's not from a lack of love it's from an abundance of love the love that says I know what's good for you and I must make sure that that's what you get I mean it sounds so simple Live and Let Live Live and Let Live sounds simple but there's it becomes an obsession I call it being addicted to the addict you know just like the addict is obsessed with getting that next fix that makes you feel like life is okay life is okay right for a second for however long the high lasts so being addicted to the addict means there's that one moment where you feel in control right where you you know you check their cell phone messages or where you called someone and who says I saw where they are or you go through their you go through their their wallet while they're asleep and whatever it is the detective work that you have to play to to feel like you have that control like you're keeping tabs on them like you know KGB stuff you know what's oh that moment that illusion of oh they're safe oh they're okay and it's and it's it's being addicted to the addict it's addicted to that feeling that momentary fleeting false feeling that everything's okay everything's under control when the truth is no it's not under control I mean not under your control it's under God's control and the recovery from this Obsession this addiction to the addict is to detach and release that person to the love and care of God who is in control you know they say detach is an acronym d t a c h detach don't even try and change him or her let go and let go is not abandonment let go is let go of expectations a lot of people I hear they get so burnt out they become hardened their hearts become hard and then they say well you know what I was a people pleaser and now my my recovery from being a people pleaser is I have to be a jerk they don't say I have to be a jerk but well sometimes they do actually but they you know no I have to say no it's toxic for me to say yes and and that's unfortunate because what was doing harm was not the kindness it wasn't that you were being kind to someone it was that you were being kind in exchange for the illusion of control the kindness wasn't really gratuitous kindness it wasn't for fun and for free the love was a manipulative way of feeling like I can assure myself that this person is going to behave the way I know that they need to behave always yeah every single time 100% by the way never believe a categorical statement No but enough of the time it's all everything's on a spectrum everything's on a Continuum the question is how far how far along the Continuum are you and that of course is for each person to examine in consultation with someone who's objective a spiritual guide someone who knows your life and sometimes we really do reach a place where our motives are clean and we can give lovingly with no strings attached reab AA was able to do that his students worked we can aspire to it but to the extent that we're lacking and that we're still controlling instead of truly loving or using love manipulatively to control then we should be aware of it we should be aware of it we should consciously try to cut it out stop it let go but I'm not here to tell you all about the problem I want I also want to talk about the solution so as we know this time of year the uh the the SP is the time of mourning for the 24,000 students who perished but there was a respit from that uh that epidemic and the date when the students stopped dying was lag the 33rd day of the now the 33rd day of the is also famous for another reason it's the Yul the yite of RAB shim B the great Tana the author of The Zar what's interesting though is that RAB shim B is connected to this date in two different ways one way is we mentioned that that this day itself is his yard site but another way is that as we mentioned the students of RAB AA stopped dying on L so after the 24th 24,000 students died RAB AA who lived to 120 reab AA started to learn till at 40 he studied until 80 and he taught until 120 so he started from scratch and he raised up five disciples great T great one of whom Wasim who was his star pupil to the extent what do I mean by star pupil that rebi reab shim once asked RAB AKA whether he was pleased with him because he showed certain recognition to the other students and uh RAB AKA told rabish shim it is enough that your Creator and I recognize your greatness meaning to say not even the other students could recognize his great they were incapable of fathoming his greatness so Bish shiman was the was the uh pupil parant of RAB AKA and in rabish shim we find the ultimate expression of healthy love we find the ultimate tikun and rectification of that which destroyed the previous group of students they loved in an unhealthy way rabish shim showed us how to love in a healthy way what's the story of rabish Shimon we know that he lived in a time of persecution where was it was very dangerous to be a Jewish leader and rabish shim was not uh he did not speak in a flattering way about the Romans and they came looking for him to execute him so he hid for a while ultimately that wasn't safe he went to a cave he and his son they stayed in the cave for 12 years studying Tyra they came out after 12 years and at first they were shocked because their entire life was Tyra they didn't work obviously living in a cave they didn't work didn't have jobs how did they feed themselves miraculously there was a carab tree there was a stream or a a well so they were completely separate from day-to-day mundane concerns they were living in a totally spiritual life and they came out and at first they were shocked they saw people farming and it was just too much for them they they couldn't take it and they started everything they looked at they were burning with their eyes so they heard a voice go back in go back into the cave so they went back into the cave for another year after they came out after the 13th year something changed abim's son Abazar he saw somebody farming and he was he was shocked abim told him no no no it's okay he says it's okay don't worry about it son it's enough for the world that there there are two like us what did he mean by that he meant we're unusual we study toy we do nothing but study T we're completely spiritual that's not the standard by which you can judge other people don't use your standard to judge others Live and Let Live they don't have to be like us it's enough that we are like us let them be how they are Let each person be the best that they can be the way they can be so that was the first thing that was the first level of rectification Live and Let Live you know there's what not to do and there's what to do and when you're trying to uh come back from dysfunction and drama and Discord first thing to deal with first order of business is the notd doing the not doing not the doing the not doing in other words the sage advice to the codependent is don't just do something sit there it's counterintuitive everybody thinks don't just sit there do something no no no don't just do something sit there breathe you forgot how to breathe you were so busy controlling this person you were so busy worrying for them you were so busy living their life instead of your own you forgot how to breathe you forgot how to let go just be silent we don't always have to have a solution we don't always have to know how to fix things that's the Fatal flaw of the love martyr or codependent is that I always have to do something I always have to I always have to fix everything I have have to fix everyone can't just let things be you tell a joke about the addict the alcoholic and the codependent who were all on a on an island full of savages and they were sentenced to death and uh the way that they committed the execution over there is with a guillotine you know French Revolution style so the first one up was the uh the addict he gets up to the uh on the platform and puts his head down in the chopping block and they pull this rope the Executioner pulls the rope and this blade goes up you know 20 20 ft into the air and uh then the Executioner lets go of the rope and the blade starts whizzing down the track plummeting toward the uh addict's neck and all of a sudden it jams in the track and uh the Executioner looks at the addict and he says this is the law of our land we consider this an act of God you are free to go live and be well next one up the alcoholic gets up there says put your head down there in that block puts his head in the guillotine executioner pulls that rope blade goes up 20 ft into the air executioner lets go the blade comes whizzing down the track and just a millimeter above the alcoholic's neck the the the blade jams in the track it's just hanging there not touching him and the Executioner says to the alcoholic this is the law of our land we consider this an Act of God you are free to go live and be well next the codependent gets up on the stage on the platform looks at the guillotine looks at the Executioner Taps him on the shoulder and says you know I think I know how to fix [Music] that so the first rule is just stop you don't always have to be busy you don't always have to have a solution you don't even have to have something to say so the first lesson was RAB shim comes out of the the cave and he tells his son it's cool it's good just let it go let people be who they are it's enough that we are who we are let them be who they are and that's the first thing the not doing the Letting Go all all right now you want to talk about what to do after you have after you have sufficiently stopped doing all of the things that are just exacerbating drama and let me be clear all of the things that are exacerbating drama are all well intended they're all meant with love this we know we know this but the love martyr the codependent needs to just stop let go you know the story about YF B Yamin y Yan didn't see each other all those years and they have this tearful reunion they're reunited and they they hug each other and they and they fall on each other's neck and they cry on each other's neck and there's that Rashi Rashi says that the neck represents the the bikash the Holy Temple or the or the the sanctuary the Tabernacle and uh prophetically at that moment YF was seeing how in the future the descendants of bommen were going to suffer a Calamity that the Holy Temple which was built in the territorial home of Benyamin that's where the the B mikdash was in the property or in the territory of of Benyamin that the Holy Temple was going to be destroyed which was in the portion of Benyamin so YF was crying for that and bmen saw conversely that the in many generations later the descendants of YF they would have the mishkan Shilo the Tabernacle or the sanctuary in Shilo or Shiloh which would also be destroyed and he was crying bommen was crying for that for that Calamity that was going to happen to the descendants of YF so the question is if each one had an impending Calamity many generations henceforth why were they crying only for the others and you could say compassion okay so cry for the other one as well empathy doesn't mean that you don't also feel your own problem but it's a deep it's a deep lesson what's chist crying crying doesn't do anything crying doesn't change the situation and yet sometimes you need to have a good cry you have a good cry the situation hasn't changed at all but there's something cleansing there's something cathartic about the Cry Sometimes someone you love is going through pain they're not asking for help they're not capable of taking help you know what's right for them you know what they should be doing but you can't do anything so what can you do you can cry sit down open up a a talum and and and and choke out the words and and and and weep and cry now if you are the one facing your own Calamity if it's your path that's leading to destruction do you cry no God forbid don't cry take action do something if it's your problem then fix it it's the exact opposite rules if it's the other guy's problem he's got to fix it you know the med says about the P he arouse yourself from the dust and stand up talking about the Jewish people in GIS so Med says that a rooster if it falls in the soot in the ashes then a thousand people with a thousand tiny Combs will never get that rooster clean again but if the rooster himself gives himself one vigorous Shake then he'll become clean in an instant so y of mmen were very healthy in their love for each other and they were healthy in their relationship with themselves for their own impending problems they didn't cry they took action whatever they could do but for the others what can you do but cry so that's the first thing first thing is what not to do to know your limitations all right now what to do I keep dragging this one out everyone wants to hear this okay what can I what are you what are you going to let me do what's healthy what's okay to do it also says that a person has cups on them they can't the person who's locked can't release himself that says that as well that's why you need Hashem when you can't fix someone you're not abandoning them I know a lot of parents have this problem because biologically we're wired with that maternal instinct or paternal Instinct and it's the hardest thing in the world to realize that God has no grandchildren we think because we're hashem's children and our children are our children so then you know that's that's the Next Generation so our children are hashem's grandchildren it's not so your child is hashem's child your child has their direct relationship with Hashem and you have to be respectful of that and sometimes when they need space and you give them that space that's not abandoning that's allowing them to have their own relationship directly with Hashem and you're not going to interfere I'll tell you a personal story but it's not whatever it is what it is but I remember this very very very clearly I was three and a half how do I know it was three and a half because we were in the house that we moved to when we when when I was three and it was a little bit after we moved maybe I was four and I remember standing on the Green carpet the Shag Green carpet which was very uh stylish in the 70s a child of the 70s and uh I don't remember what I was upset about but I remember being absolutely full brimming with rage and I remember looking out the back window it was a sliding glass door you know those walkth through doors that go to the backyard go to the back patio and I just remember being so beside myself that I was shaking and I don't remember what it was about I was three and a half whatever it was that you know a three and a half year-old could be that upset about and I remember my my mother coming over to me and saying to me what's wrong sweetie can I help you and I remember distinctly telling her no you can't help me this is between me and Hashem and to her credit she turned around she left the room it was decades before I understood the Superhuman strength that it took that woman to turn around to honor that 3 and 1 half year-old's request to be a left alone with God but I can tell you now 40 some years later that that's one of the greatest things she ever did for me you know in is what's H what's H you have you have that's the right side and the left side soid is love and is withholding so that's the go and the stop you know the gas and the brakes and then beneath you have the same Paradigm again the right and the left axis except it's and so is Victory marching forth to Victory n is tenacity stubbornness we're going to do it we keep going we keep pushing H is hold back give space H is Poise Poise when you know how to stay quiet how to make yourself small how to hold space for other H is poised sh sh that means H squared Poise within Poise giving space and really giving space not giving space mixed with any other emotional coloring but just giving space and it comes from a profoundly faith-based premise of reality because a secular point of view says you are abandoning the person regardless of what you try to convince yourself but if you believe in God and a personal God and a god who's personal to your loved ones your children your spouse your parents your siblings and and and S billion people on the planet giving space means I'm allowing you to work this out with God okay but again that's the not doing can we talk a little bit about the doing the healthy doing now I'm glad that I stretched out so long the not doing because really that's the hardest part because that that's that's you know the the the the the old story about the guy who he says I ran away from honor my whole life it says that if you run from honor it'll chase you but I ran from honor and and never caught me the rabbi tells him cuz you always looking over your shoulder to see if the the honor was catching up so you know there's giving space and looking over your shoulder like is this enough space it's not giving space so I'm glad I'm glad that we emphasized this point at length Okay but once we're giving space once we're being respectful how can we give in a healthy way so let's continue the story of rabish shim comes out of the cave tells his son son don't worry about it it's enough to wear this way let everyone be their own way and then he says since Hashem did a miracle for me let me go ail I'll go asking I'll fix Milsa something let me go fix something no no pay attention to that let me go fix something not let me go fix someone there a world of difference let me fix something he came to a town he said is there are there any problems over here anything that needs fixing they said uh we're pretty good he says no but really anything they said well yeah you want to know I mean we we have this little issue there's a place of saic Tuma there's a unmarked graveyard and uh not an unmarked graveyard but a place where bodies a body or perhaps more than one body but there's a place where there there there's known to be tumas mes a corpse and um we don't know exactly where it is and it causes an inconvenience for the khanim in the town because it's right through you know where everybody walks and so they have to take this circuitous route to get around the to get around the town so rebish shim says okay great yeah let me let me take care of that for them and he did this whole thing where he identified where the bones were and he marked it off and then the khanam could basically walk straight through and just you know walk immediately around the problem areas and it saved them save them a lot of inconvenience what's the difference between fixing somebody and fixing something fixing somebody besides the fact that it's a Fool's errand because you can't make somebody do like I said before a free choice means you choose your behavior not someone else's you can't make somebody do what they don't want to do so besides the fact that it's a Fool's errand it's inherently arrogant let me fix you let me fix you like how insulting is that as opposed to what let me fix something let me fix the situation you know they say about marriage it's not me versus you it's me and you versus the problem huge difference I'm not here to fix people but fix a problem I'll fix a situation but we don't fix people people are perfect how can you fix a perfect person no I I honestly mean it people are perfect they don't need to be fixed situations need to be fixed let me ask you a question you're Jewish man put on fillan in the morning finish shakas you wrap up your you put him away will you touch yourin again until tomorrow well by virtue of the concept of guarantor ship technically if you know there are Jewish men that you will meet through the day and have an influence over and they haven't put on Fillin you're actually obligated to touch your Tain again after you finished discharging your own personal obligation you do have an obligation to touch your Fillin again so you can put it on somebody else but here's the point when you go over to somebody and you put filling on on them you're not fixing them I'm not fixing you I'm not making you better I'm not improving you again you can't improve on Perfection I'm fixing a situation there's a situation here what's the situation it's called ignorance and apathy it's called assimilation there are Jews who didn't put on filling maybe because they don't know about it maybe because they don't care about it maybe because they don't care enough to remember and if I have the ability to put a dent even a little dent in that problem I'm going to do it but not cuz I'm fixing people I'm not here to be your fixer remember a few years ago by now it's got to be I don't know maybe by now it's 10 years ago you know the older you get that your sense of time speeds up they say life's like a roll of toilet paper closer you get to the end the faster it goes so if I say something was three years ago I have to remember it's probably 10 years ago so it was probably 10 years ago there was this very very famous actress from TV and she was on a very famous talk show don't ask me who she was and don't ask me what the talk show was I'm not sure but I remember seeing the clip that was going around among schim this lady she basically she's a Jewish woman and she says how her 15-year-old son went to the mall and he had his bar mitzvah at the mall and the interviewer was saying what was a bar mitzvah at the at the mall what is that well he was walking through the mall and these guys with beards and hats they came over and I'm thinking wow you know this is a story about kabad right so these guys with beards he was at the Beverly Center in La if everyone knows where Beverly Center is big mall on uh lasena so uh they came over and they said excuse me are you Jewish yes have you ever put on Fillin no oh then today's your bar mitzvah and they put Fillin on him and uh and the the interviewer was like just like that yeah just like that and she says it was a drive by Bar Mitzvah and the crowd cracks up W Drive by by Drive By by mitah and I remember at the time SCH were discussing you know whether this was a clip that you know you should share with people you know with people who are obviously people who are already watching these shows and would you know care about that so the discussion maybe it's not a nice thing a drive by Bar Mitzvah it sounds kind of flippant it sounds kind of glib you know oh but on the other hand fillan and he put on thein he he was moved by it he came home he even told his mother about it mitzvah G Mitzvah maybe it'll lead to something else and there was a whole discussion about it and I don't remember how it concluded but what made a big impression upon me was the incredible Poise the incredible respect of I'm just here to facilitate a Jewish experience and then disappear you don't owe me nothing that that's when you know it's really giving it's really for fun and for free real altruism I'm here to offer you something that's good for you you don't owe me anything I'm offering an opportunity I'm making it available if you say no no hard feelings if you say yes you're not indebted I'm just here to offer something that will make the situation better how many times do we see where human emotions get mixed in with religious exchanges I mean it's almost impossible for it not to happen to some degree and often it happens to a to a toxic degree where human emotions get mixed into a religious interaction or experience I saw a bumper sticker once it was good bumper sticker it said oh Lord protect me from your followers okay cuz the person who thinks that they've got a religious license you know God himself has authorized that they are right you know they have that moral High Ground that there's nothing more nothing more arrogant nothing more toxic so we got to keep the humility we got to keep the humility the humility is I'm not here to fix you I'm here to fix a situation there's a problem in the world it's called apathy ignorance assimilation I'm going to try to put a dent in that problem by offering a Jewish experience I hope you'll take from it if you don't take from it no hard feelings if you do take from it you don't owe me anything and and and and and the truth is that's not just the way it works you know when we're doing a religious favor a spiritual favor for a for a Jew that you've never met that's the way it even works in in in in families or it should work in families in Intimate Relationships when I do you a favor it's not a secret it's not secret barter where I'm trading kindness for some type of control over you you know somebody does something sweet for you and then the next day you get an an an invisible invoice you don't even realize that you're indebted and then then they they get frustrated with you and you don't even know why you didn't know about the economy you know the the stroke economy every every every validation is a stroke so one stroke is worth another stroke 20 Strokes or 20 Strokes I did this for you now you owe me that that's not love that's control and if you have a religious excuse to underwrite your love of people then it becomes toxic control you have to play Shaden you're not God you're just the Matchmaker and each individual has their own relationship with God Almighty healthiest healthiest healthiest Exchange between two human beings that I ever saw in my life was in a kabad house I won't tell you where it was somewhere on the East Coast that's specific enough it doesn't matter it's irrelevant I'm sure and you'll tell you can tell from this story that if I would mention who it was the person would be very pained but the story is like this I'm in thead house I was brought out to speak I spoke at The KES after I finished speaking basically basically everybody leaves now it's you know it's like 1:45 p.m. on a on a on a Saturday so at that point I can tell who is keeping chabas at this point and who's not right it becomes very clear at 1:45 on a Saturday at a kabad house after the kidish and the speech who's got you know karate practice or soccer or you know uh beauty shop appointment or what you know people who are looking at their watch and and they're running right there were a few two people who stayed behind you could tell they were in a shabas dick mode and uh one of them was sitting near theah and it was clear that this guy was was keeping chabas and he says to the schah he says and I didn't even hear the conversation leading up to it I was distracted with something else I just over hear him say one line he says Rabbi really just again thank you for changing my life and I see the schak react like like someone had just slapped him in the face like like shock stun and he's quiet for a minute and then he sort of like gets himself together and says no no no I didn't change your life and don't thank me I want to thank you you for allowing me the privilege to be there with you while you were changing I thought that was the healthiest reaction I'd ever seen between two human beings thank you for giving me the privilege the what does it say that Hashem makes good things happen through good people the good thing was going to happen this guy was going to go on a spiritual journey and he was going to grow it was going to happen you had a merit a privilege that you got to play a role you didn't make it happen it was happening from that was between God and this person you had a and is related to the word which means refinement in other words you had the humility to be a transparent conduit to allow the godliness through you and you didn't block it by mixing in your own ulterior motive and your own ego and your own expectations or your own sense of entitlement you just stayed humble you have that H that Poise and you allow the goodness to come through [Music] just looking at the time I need to have some uh Poise here and uh control myself so I'm going to leave you with one vot I'll leave you with one vot and it's related to PES which we learned PES during this time of year it says that two people who are sitting and there's no between them that the is not's presence doesn't dwell among them what does that mean it means that two people can be engaged in a vertical Rel relationship or in a horizontal one and that makes all the difference you see in a vertical relationship it's very clear who owes whom who's Superior to whom who the fixer is right and that's the toxicity of the moral High Ground of the codependent or the the love martyr which is why it's so hard to ever let go of that Obsession because I'm only trying to do the right thing right it's it's an obsession you can't let go I'm only trying to do the right thing I'm only trying to help but when it's a vertical relationship when you're lording it over the other person even when you try to put in to you try to make it use you use God as your excuse there's no sh there's no divine presence there because one Jew is standing over the other when is the present only when there is an equality so that's what the mishna says when the words of are not between them in equality in a horizontal relationship then there's no God but if they will be there in Brotherhood and mutual respect and in in in a spirit of God has no grandchildren and we're all on one level and we have Aus to be helpful to each other once in a while then the sh is there so let's love each other without controlling each other and uh ultimately let's fix the ultimate situation that needs to be fixed like shim said that in the gas in the exil himself is languishing in the Exile that's the major situation that needs to be fixed through our interpersonal relationships when they'll be healthy the will be healthy the world will be healthy all right Rabbi sh tab here I hope you enjoyed that video but I want to share something more with you in that lecture we focused on all types of relationships I want to get focused on parenting if you're a parent and you want to figure out how to really love your child selflessly and be there for your child in a really healthy way I want you to watch this video where we hone in on that it's a difficult skill to master but it's the greatest thing you can do for your child