Can you ever please a narcissist? (Parshas Vayeitzei)

three Jews were lined up in front of the execution Squad the firing squad it's a dark joke it's a yeah some Jewish jokes are like that and um so the the captain of the the firing squad comes over and has his customary he offers blindfolds to those who are about to be executed who goes to the first Jew and he says would you like a blindfold it takes blindfold and he goes the second Jew and he says would you like a blindfold it takes the blindfold it goes the third Jew he says would you like blindfold and he says I don't want anything from you you can keep your lousy blindfold his friend says mush don't start up with them you'll make them angry okay all right all right known as one of the most classic Jewish jokes don't start up with them you'll make the night you get the joke you don't get the joke they're about to be shot they're gonna be shot either way okay don't start up with them gonna make them angry oh you don't get it all right maybe by the end of today's class you'll get it um because we're going to talk yeah we're going to talk about that we're going to talk about apologizing for our own existence we're going to talk about walking on eggshells and trying not to upset people um when completely toxic obsession with with approval and uh getting really dangerous and and unsafe people to to approve of us which is never going to happen and therefore keep your lousy blindfold and yeah so we basically have a story this week precious for Yates which is about yankovino our forefather patriarch Jacob um last week he did something very daring but it wasn't him it was his mother she put him up to it Rifka Rebecca told him dress up like your brother Asaf Esau and get the get the blessings and he was scared to do it but she said don't worry it's on me I'll uh absorb any of the Fallout and so he did it but really you know you can't really attribute that to his bravery or his courage because it was and it wasn't even his plan she came up with the plan and she she took the uh responsibility for the plan so this week that was last week but this week precious vietzsay is really yonkovino coming into his own in his own adulthood his own manhood and um becoming uh not just a son of his parents but becoming a father to his children that's where all his his children are born and he establishes a house and he gets married and also part of his journey into adulthood is to figure out how to deal with really sick people and specifically the sick person he was dealing with was his own father-in-law loving or an English Laban I just can't bring myself to say those um English Old English name so we're not going to say Jacob and Laban we're gonna say yankov in love and you'll have to remember that's what it is but uh so he had a father-in-law loving and he was a sick guy loving was a sick guy he was uh foreign Squire he basically ran the town of caught on and uh he was very abusive and unscrupulous and he had yankov work for him as a Shepherd that was the business that was family business was sheep and he kept changing his wages and he well I mean the biggest thing he did to me totally uh duped him on the whole deal about marrying the preferred bride yankov and uh love and duped him and he said he worked for me for seven years I'll give you a ruffle he worked the seven years and pulled the switcheroo on him he gave him Leia and then he said oh you want Russell work another seven years and then uh even then it was a very unhealthy relationship even after the 14 years so uh he kept switching the deals kept on you know coming up with new contracts and uh at any rate at the very end of practice so uh yankovino runs away he's had enough of it he leaves he leaves he takes us he takes his wives he takes his children he says I'm done with this I I don't belong here anymore and he leaves and Lovin predictably uh comes running after him and uh he catches up with him and love him plays the victim predictably plays the victim well why did he do this what's so wrong why did you want to leave why would you why would you deceive me like this like why would you deceive me right so the accusation is always the confession of the narcissist but uh he says why would you leave why would you deceive me and you run away in the middle of the night like why would you feel unsafe like you had to run away in the middle of night like a refugee right and that's that's the answer you know because you're a sick person I had to run away in the middle of the night and uh basically what he says I'll just read to you um just the the absolute delusional case that love and makes he says um Leon loving loving responding he said to yankov IC your daughters are my daughters and your children your sons are my sons Ai and your sheep are my sheep okay this is after working for uh below minimum wage for two decades h and everything you see here Lee who it's all mine it's all mine so he makes this out landish claim how can you leave me how dare you leave me everything you have is mine so what's love and sing I'll tell you a story the biscuit of the uh the Grizz RAV Yitzhak Zev sometimes we refer to him as a velvel brisket once met the hoffitz and the coffee was explaining to the brisker of what life for the Jews in Poland was like at that time he told him a story he said I'll tell you something just happened recently there was a 90 year old Jew who needed a passport to travel abroad and he never had a passport because he never never left the country so he went to the local uh government office and he says I need a passport so they said to this 90 year old Jew do you have a birth certificate he says birth certificate I mean born at home we didn't have birth certificates we don't have documentation so they said oh that's a big problem you don't have a birth certificate after the documentation but what you could do is you could bring us two witnesses who were present when you were born now the covert time says to the biscuit of this year is 90 years old you understand how Preposterous this is if he were to have to find witnesses that remember that were old enough to remember him being born they would have to be over 100 years old themselves it's Preposterous it's not it's not possible so how could the government ask for such a ridiculous thing from this 90 year old Jew the prophet time said the risk it up he says very simple I'll tell you how the government could ask such a Preposterous thing from this nine-year-old Jew because their opinion of us is the same opinion That Lovin had of Yankovic it's all mine it's all mine in other words you don't even have a right to exist and now you're coming asking for favors so they have no inclination to be reasonable with us when they don't even believe we have a right to exist that's what the the coffee of in other words I mean he was describing the the attitude of the Polish government of that era but he was also describing the attitude of loving and he was describing the attitude of all the Lovins in our lives and and throughout history who you ask yourself why is this person being so unreasonable with me like what do they want from me and and the real answer if you really want to make sense of it is they don't even believe you have a right to exist see from the perspective of love and it's all mine it's all me everything is me everything is me and everyone else there's only two kinds of other people there's me and I exist and then for everyone else there's only two kinds of people people who bow down to my existence and enhance my existence or people who get in the way of my existence those are my enemies and I have to destroy them because for the the fragile ego of 11 anyone who's not totally surrendered to him is a threat to his existence so that's how he sees it Your Existence is an existential threat to my existence you don't even deserve to exist and therefore that's that's that's why they can justify all this type of cruel and and disgusting Behavior loving doesn't sit there and think to himself why am I taking advantage of this guy he's my relative first of all he's my nephew and now he's married into the family he's my son-in-law like why or even if you were a stranger why would you treat a person like he doesn't think that way because the underlying assumption is look it's all me everything is me anyone who gets into my life anyone appears on my radar either they can enhance my existence work for me agree with me like me or they are an absolute existential threat and they have to be destroyed they have no they have no right to exist so how do you deal with a person like that how do you deal with a person like that there's no way to deal with a person like that and that's when younger if you know you know says he says to love it ultimately he tries to call him out on it he says to him beloved yankov got angry and he started to argue with Lovin Yankovic he said beloved my pishi what is my sin um what's my transgression that you ran after me in other words tell me what I did what did I do tell me charge me with a crime habeas corpus what did I do of course the answer is you know your crime is I mean love and won't admit it your crime is that you exist and your very existence is a threat to me love and won't admit that but that's the truth Jago is trying to call him out tell me what I did and we're all to some extent susceptible to this type of thinking I'm talking about Yankovic's type of thinking where we start actually believing this absolutely irrational unreasonable message that that we should apologize for our own existence you ever be walking through a door so you're walking through a doorway and someone else comes walking through the doorway so what do you say it's a lot of us we say I'm sorry why are you sorry what did you do get something wrong don't say I'm sorry say pardon me say excuse me don't say I'm sorry it's interesting though for many of us that's a reflex I'm sorry means I did something wrong now most of us are not perfect and we do things that are wrong and so from time to time we do have to actually say I'm sorry but why don't you say I'm sorry for when you actually did wrong when you actually are repentant about your behavior you wish you hadn't done what you did you did something wrong okay so say I'm sorry but I'm walking through a doorway I don't have a right to walk through a doorway oh I'm sorry but there's something in many of us I would say if you don't relate to this maybe you should ask yourself maybe you're the loved one because there's love ones and there's Yankees but if you're a Yaki which I think most of us are most normal people I think we we do that a lot we apologize for our own existence I'm sorry I'm sorry for what that my body takes up space that I'm walking from point A to point B the doorway is here and like I didn't do anything wrong so be polite say excuse me pardon me don't say I'm sorry you didn't there was no offense and that's what Jacob is trying to sort of set the record straight on when he says to to love him what's my sin what's my sin what did I do wrong did I hurt you I didn't do anything all I did was exist and my existence bothered you and the only way my existence wouldn't bother you is if I would be completely nullified to you and agree to your narrative that everything I have is yours you want the only way my existence will not be in a front and enough salt to the Love on is if I can agree to his insane narrative that I'm ready to completely roll over and have no self-esteem no self-confidence no no responsibility toward making choices for myself no I cannot allow them a good choices for myself I have to only do what loving wants and if I don't do what he wants then I'm I'm attacking him you know I heard somebody say once an expression everybody's got to be somewhere sounds so simple but it's true everyone's got to be somewhere you can use that to help you be more tolerant of others they can you can also use that finding some peace within yourself like I'm not doing anything wrong by existing to the contrary if I really want to get philosophical about it why do I exist or how do I exist how did I come into being I didn't produce myself God Made Me so go talk to him in other words if God Made Me then there's nothing to apologize for for being made guy was talking to me this week and he said but he's struggling with the the idea of unconditional self-worth a young man and he said that he's struggling with he's trying to figure out if he really got that from his parents he's thinking he didn't and he's trying to find it now um certain Baseline of self-love so I I said to him you know you're questioning whether or not you got it from your parents and those of you who know that I'm very into parenting and give parenting courses this is one of my biggest things I tell parents is give this to your child but at the end of the day some parents don't and you know this guy's already grown up so that's that's it he didn't get it from his parents and so I I said look you didn't get it from your parents now you can choose to try to find it the biggest mistake by the way most common mistake try to find it from your spouse the biggest mistake try to find unconditional positive regard permission to exist from a spouse that's a good formula for uh disaster right and the reason is I explained to him because no human being can give you permission to exist you're trying to get from a human being what they don't have you're trying to get something from them they don't have to give you so ultimately the only source for this unconditional validation for your existence is from your maker it's in your relationship with God no human being can give you permission to exist and the biggest mistake we make is trying to Curry favor with people being becoming people Pleasers and even compromising a sense of self-worth and doing things we're uncomfortable doing and doing things that are against our values and against our given our sense of safety in order to try to get approval from people and it's just uh it's a Fool's errand because even after you do all that and you compromise all that they can't give you that which you're seeking from them a human being cannot give you permission to exist only God can give us permission to exist and and God doesn't even have to grant us permission to exist he's already granted it to us by by making us exist it's implicit in our existence we have inherent self-worth just from the fact that we exist so I told this guy I said you're going to go to human beings and you're going to get you're going to try to get a human being to love you and validate you in a way that'll finally make you feel comfortable in your own skin and it'll never happen instead you're going to burn people out and get into codependent relationships where you're basically compromising yourself in order to try to get something from somebody that they don't have to give you so instead you have to get it from God so he's like I'm not so good right now with my relationship with God I said look you know you're gonna you're gonna accuse me of being a rabbi and I'm going to say something very predictable you know rabbis always are trying to push God on people right it's like predictable lie I said but look trust me I'm not I'm not trying to push the God answer because I have any like skin in the game here I I'm trying to be pragmatic here you're telling me you're seeking this concept called unconditional self-worth which is a who says that even exists I don't know where he got it from but he's saying I this is what I want I want to be able totally Embrace and accept myself I exist and therefore I'm okay with myself I said that's beautiful but how do you even know that that's that's true how do you know it's true that you're you're you have inherent self-worth that just because you exist means you're worthy of existence I happen to agree with you but how do you know it's true so he didn't have a reason to defend how he knew he just felt it was true I said well I could defend it and I could argue that it is true and the but the way that I would argue it I'm sorry to tell you I can't avoid the god concept because without invoking the idea that an infinite absolute existence chose to bring my conditional existence into being that I don't even have a philosophical leg to stand on arguing for my own inherent self-worth so you know that old country that cut that country song from the 70s looking for love in all the wrong places you're gonna go and you're gonna get burnt out trying to get people to give you permission to exist you're not going to find it where do you find it in fact where do you already have it in the fact that you are a creation of God so here's the problem the problem is I love them let's let's call him a narcissist although I don't use that term clinically I'm not a mental health professional and I want to be very clear I'm just using the term colloquially the way that people use it nowadays in internet memes and such so don't hold me to any of these you know the technicality of of the terms here but you have a love and a narcissist who feels affronted and threatened just by the fact that you exist just just by the fact that you're going to do what's good for you and not put him first first put him first last everything in between so the problem is we understand what the problem is the problem is that we actually buy into it we start feeling self-conscious and we start apologizing for our own existence um so what's the solution the solution is mapped out here too everything's in the third the the solution is is mapped out here too in the conversation between Jacob and Asif it's it's right here um Lovin says to yankov now going you have been going because yearning you've been yearning for the house of your father why did you steal my gods these three questions don't get nervous I know Rabbi start saying Biblical verses and asking questions and then things can get tedious but bear with me question number one what does it mean um going you've been going we're familiar if you if you learned Torah in Hebrew you know you're familiar with that that verb formulation it means something that happens more than once something that's a repeated action like for instance we had it earlier at the very beginning of the Torah when God told Adam and Eve that they could eat from the the tree the other trees of the garden he said eating you can eat which means eat as much as you want eat as often as you want or like later tells us the Mitzvah commandment to give to DACA to give Charities so it says giving you shall give which means don't just give once give as often as as needed it the verb formulation means a repeated action so my first question is means going you've been going what are you talking about how many times did yaakov go this is as far as we read this is the only time he actually left lovin's house so why does Love and say to him going you've been going okay first question second question he says to him yearning you've been yearning for your father's house that is out of character for loving since when is love and empathetic since when is HE capable of understanding the Yankees may be running away because he's yearning to return home that that's not something that Lovin would think about in fact that that's that would sound you would think that if someone were to make that argument too love and he'd be incapable of even validating it who cares what jacquer feels only my feelings matter so why does Jacob say that Nick safnicks after you've been yearning to go home like why is all of a sudden he's in touch with emotions and other people's emotions he's being empathetic like trust me it can't be that's for sure not they say when somebody shows you who they are believe them okay loving already showed us who he is if he didn't all of a sudden become empathetic okay so that's the second question third question is what's the end of that possuk the end of the verse why did you steal my gods now I understand the simple meaning is he had some idols and that yankov's wife lovin's daughter Russell Rachel stole the idols so he's talking about that the simple meetings you referring to that but I'm asking more like the the flow of the sentence going you've been going because you're in you've been yearning for your father's house why did you steal my gods like what's the flow what's the progression why does that why is that a coherent sentence okay all right so we're going to answer these three questions we're going to understand the solution to dealing with this type of person who makes us question the validity of our own existence so question number one was what is this going you've been going if you look back earlier there was an attempt to leave I'm looking back the previous chapter 30 pediglomet verse uh 25 possible when Rachel gave birth to Joseph but yemi Yankovic send me and I'll leave I'll go back to my place back to my land there was an earlier attempt let me have my wife my wives and my children which I already served you for I already you're already been paid in full you've already been paid in full I'm gonna go and he mentions you know that I've been serving you very Faithfully all these years I didn't I didn't complain about all the times you changed the deals and the conditions and what happens love and change talks him into a new contract that attempt yeah that attempt till that's when yasuff was born he stayed six more years that attempt to leave actually turns into an extension of the contract he stays so going you've been going means love and says you've been at this point before I know you've been wanting to leave for a long time I don't even think you wanted to be here the first seven years when you were serving what for what you thought was the girl you wanted to marry you didn't want to be here the first seven years but so I know that you've had a foot out the door this is the insecurity of the narcissist I know that you're you've been trying to leave me this whole time so that's the answer to the first question loving is saying I'm very much aware that you tried to leave but I want to remind you something and this is the answer to the second question you're yearning you've been yearning you're yearning now you're running away because you're yearning to go home you yearned before this is not new Love and says this is not new this is not new that all of a sudden you have this deep desire to get out of here and go home you had this before yearning you've been yearning that's the double verb yearning you've been yearning and we worked it out before beloved says last time that you were yearning you came to me you talked it out with me and I settled you down I talked sense into you and I got you to stay so that's what loving is saying to him why didn't you do this time like you've done done every other time when you were at the break when I pushed you and I abused you to the point where you didn't think you could last one minute longer with me but you did the sensible thing like if you came to me and you let me settle you down you understand this is this is the consummate abuser it's not enough I do to you what I do to you but when you start to see through the gaslighting and you start trying to make good choices for yourself what does the abuser say come to me let me be your therapist I'll help you process it I'll help you realize who the real victim is just when you thought that you couldn't take it anymore no come to me and I'll help you to readjust your thinking so that's what love and a saying the active if you are at that threshold you should have done what you did in the past come to me and we'll work it out again and we'll extend your contract another time but this time Jacob didn't do that this time yankov as a as a husband and as a father of children he did the adult thing and he said you know what I can't live for this guy I can't live for this crazy guy and he did what was right for himself and for his children and that's the the rest of the verse why did you steal my gods what are lovin's gods power and control like any abuser power and control so love is God's our power and control when yaakov finally makes a good decision for himself love and says to him by not coming to me and allowing me to talk you out of doing the responsible adult thing for you and your family you stole my gods you took away my power and control or my illusion of power and control and what does yaakov answer to that nothing you know why because he's finally free there is no answer to that when the abuser says why did you finally break free from my spell and do what's right for you you're taking away my gods you cannot answer you answer one word you fall right back in the Trap you'll be sucked in the only answer is no answer if if if by me doing what's right for me and my family you feel that your gods have been stripped from you I think you need a new religion but we don't even say that to him because even getting into that conversation is already Leverage so jakov goes on his way and he leaves and it's it's so fascinating that even after he leaves loving is still sick he's still absolutely sick they made a peace treaty they basically said boundaries the only thing you can do with such a president you gotta have boundaries so they made a peace treaty that had boundary literally they had a pile of stones that a pile of stones and uh yaakov called it gal aid meaning a pile of stones which testifies to the boundary that I'm keeping and so interesting ly loving but love and called it we call the pile of stones which is an Aramaic word the yakive yaakov called it Gallade which as we said means the testimony pile of stones you know what that means Forno actually says this great medieval Italian Rabbi gave vadya svarna he says the reason that Lovin had his own name for the pile of stones is because even when they separated and they agreed to separate he had to spin the narrative he could not allow last word to be able to tell his own story he had to have his version of the story he had to say they call it we call it foreign he still had to have his narrative you can't control yaakov to stay at least you could say whatever you want about him and I and and trust me love and had I'm sure plenty to say about yaakov after he left oh yeah we we really dealt with that he wasn't such a good shepherd but yeah we dealed with uh we dealt with him for 20 years I tried I really tried I tried to work with the kid eventually I don't know it was just pathetic uh we had to let him go right it doesn't matter lovin's going to say whatever he's going to say he's got to because in his his fragile existence depends on being able to control that narrative okay so he's going to say whatever he's going to say the point is Yankovic is finally doing what he needs to do as an adult so last week in parishes toil days Rifka came up with a daring plan and rivka took responsibility for the Fallout and Jacob was just taking orders in parchment this week Yanko becomes an adult a responsible father responsible husband who takes care of the well-being the welfare of his family and when other people come and say I need to turn your whole life upside down to cater to my fragile ego took him 20 years but eventually I can said this is insanity I'm leaving I'm not giving this guy a reply I don't owe him any reply and I'm sticking to my narrative no we're not going to sign the non-disclosure agreement where I'm not allowed to say the truth no this is a Gallade this is the story this is what happened I'm not trying to make love and agree to it I know he'll never agree to it he's going to say what he's going to say but I'm going to say what I'm going to say and at this point foreign was actually ready for mashiach he was ready for Redemption because right after this episode the end of ayeta comes vaishla but next week's Torah portion is Yakov tells his brother asaph I'm ready for us to have our reunion now yankov knew that his murderous brother would only make peace with him in the Messianic era but that is how at peace with himself he felt after he'd finally done the right thing regarding Lovin yaakov said now I'm ready for World Peace I'm ready to make peace with asov and mashiach can come now the reality is that Ace of wasn't ready and the world wasn't ready and it took a few more thousand years but it's it's coming soon but for his part as an individual yankov had his his complete internal Messianic Redemption by finally cutting himself off from disabuser and this user so this is a a very important formula to all of us who may be dealing with difficult people or you may interact from time to time with difficult people don't apologize for your own existence