Are You Proud of Your Sins? A Lesson from Parshas Ki Savo

do you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary that's a joke we used to tell each other when we were kids we'd say to someone do you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary they'll be like really gullible anyway why why did i remember that i haven't thought of that joke in 40 years why did i think of it just now because in this week's parasha pasha's kisaway rashi says we found a word that's actually used twice in this week's portion in fact it's used twice in a row two subsequent verses or two consecutive verses uh the same word is used and rashi says it's not in our dictionary what does that mean in our dictionary when there are uncommon words rashi will tell us what they mean by comparing them to another word found elsewhere in tanakh where the context is more clear so this week we have this word um that's used as i said twice and two two consecutive verses and rashi says we don't find that word anywhere else in in scripture where is it used the first verse is as hashem you misheard me speaking to the jewish people and saying you the jewish people have chosen hashem today to be your god. and hashem has chosen you to be his treasured nation so we have those two words the same word really twice two conjugations the same word you have chosen you the jewish people have chosen god to be your god and and hashem has chosen you today to be his treasured nation so you have hamarto you the jews chose hashem hashem chose you the jews you know there's that old poem how odd of god to choose the jews not so odd the jews chose god okay so that's basically what's going on here but at any rate i'm translating it as chose because how do i know it means chose because that's what rashi says but listen to what rashi tells us he says you know this word we're trying to define it we're trying to find a place in scripture where the meaning is more clear and rashes says this word two different forms of the same word they don't have a clear proof text anywhere in scripture that would tell us what they mean interesting and rashford continues and says however it appears to me meaning i'm going to make a guess i don't have a clear proof but i'm going to make a guess of that it's a a an expression of separation that hashem has separated you the jewish people to be to have a special relationship with him and you the jewish people have separated hashem you have singled out hashem as your only god to the exclusion of any other powers in the universe but then interesting after rashi tells us that rashi says um but i found a proof text in t ferris and it's an expression of pride now rashi just told us he couldn't find a proof text and he had to make an educated guess then at the end of that whole and he said the educated guesses that means separation or selection or designation but then or the establishment of an exclusive relationship or a special relationship and then after he's finished saying that he says oh but i did find a proof text and it's a luscious an expression of pride kamai like we find where in uh tihirlum tzadik dalid in chapter 94 of psalms see that word that has the same three-letter etymological root aleph membresh just like marta that those who sin are proud of themselves king david is lamenting the fact that there are unrepentant sinners who are proud of their sins the sinners those who do sins are proud they they praise themselves for their sins yes amru okay anyways a couple of questions here one question is rashi starts off and says oh i don't have a definition for this word i can't find a proof text word anywhere in scripture so i'm just going to have to guess and it means separation then after he's finished saying it means separation he says oh by the way there is a proof text and it means to be proud like sinners who are unrepentant and they're proud of their sins so first of all what does rashi bait and switch he told me first he doesn't have a proof text then he says he does second of all just you know not such a bombshell question but an innocent question here i guess um it seems unfortunate to say the least that the only place that that rashi could find an expression of hashem's relationship with the jewish people is where it's in a really negative context unrepentant sinners being proud of their sins yes that the sinners are boasting taking pride in their their sinfulness so just seems like i said unfortunate to say the least or you know maybe even just kind of funny that that's that's the proof text that's where rashi finds an example of the meaning of this word at any rate to understand all of this i want to tell you a story but before i tell you the story i just want to share a little bit of background with you about a a talmudic saying there's a talmudic saying that nasa like yes that sins and the words dynast doesn't just mean sins because there are levels of sin danis means the worst kind of sin um intentional sinfulness nasa lay they become for him kizakis like merits so that means not only are the sins like expunged from the record erased forgotten forgiven the sins become merits now who says this this as i said this is in the talmud so who says this a particular sage from the talmud called resh lokish and it's interesting ray schlakisch is the one who who tells us this saying because resh lokish was a baal teshuva a penitent he was not always a tourist a scholar in fact he was a bandit he was the head of a group of thieves and he actually tried to attack one of the other scholars rabbi yehn and how did rabiyekhan thwart off the attack he said to him hey why are you a robber you know you have such talent you have such strength don't use it for for stealing use it for torah study and if you do i'll marry you off to my sister okay so that's not the other normal way to respond to a robber like hey let me come study torah with you and marry you into my family but that's what rabbi yehanan did and reshalakish went on to become a great scholar in fact he was uh on par with ravi yeah rabbi yehan and brought him into the fold and and they were they were study partners and they used to argue with each other and really rish lakushu was the only one who was like a formidable uh study partner for rabbi yechen and they used to find differences all the time and argue with each other and then when rachel akis passed away rabbi yehanan couldn't find anyone else who could hold his own in in the study hall to that degree but so it's interesting that rish lokish who has this story he is the baal teshuva and he tells this uh he tells us that zainis nasser kazakhias that sins become like merits and and what does that mean you know it's explained in in siddhis especially in tanya chapter seven chapter eight talks about um how the darkness can actually become light not just that the darkness is replaced by light but darkness can become light and there's no parallel to that in the physical world the the darkness can be replaced by light but here we're talking about the darkness itself if you could imagine some quantity of darkness itself becoming light and then you have also the regular light so you have two kinds of light the light that was always light and the light that's made out of darkness and but what is it metaphysically we can kind of understand it psychologically when a person sins and he's separated from hashem and he realizes this is not the way that he wants to be and because of this he has a greater thirst and a greater yearning to reconnect well in that case his previous sin is actually the springboard for a more intense relationship with hashem today so it's his sin in the past which makes him more connected in the present makes him more sensitive more vigilant that he cherishes and and and and he is even more careful about his relationship than someone who hadn't sinned in the first place so if that's the case then his past sin actually when all said and done became a spiritual asset it became like a merit not just it's not a sin anymore it became the opposite it became a merit so that's the background i wanted to tell you i told you i wanted to tell you a story i didn't tell you the story yet the story is actually a simple story but but a lovely story and it's about that great defender of the jewish people rebellivitrock of berdychev i believe yitzchak vedic was known to argue with hashem whenever the jewish people needed a defense he was always there to find the silver lining in every jew and here's a story not where he was necessarily arguing with hashem or making a a a an argument or a case to defend the jews but just in his interpersonal relationship or his interactions with a jew you can see the same attitude coming out the story is like this in berdychev there was a sinner what do i mean a sinner it's a terrible thing to call somebody a sinner but i mean we all slip up from time to time you don't want to be branded a sinner but this guy was no he was a sinner he was he was unrepentant he was open about it he was proud of it he he liked that people knew he had thrown off the yoke and um one day rabbi yitzhak saw this particular sinner and he says to him he says you know i envy you and uh the guy knew that that lady itzkok didn't joke around i mean he wasn't being sarcastic he wasn't being ironic he knew of rebellion was saying i envy you he meant to sincerely so the guy was actually caught off guard he was taken aback he said yeah you know i didn't know that you're into this kind of stuff you know i didn't know that this is what floats your boat i mean it's kind of surprising why do you envy why do you envy me and i believe yitzhak said well um i envy you because you know for the penitent it says that's dynasty that his sins become merits so i'm looking at you and i'm thinking about all your merits and how much reward awaits you in elim habba in the world to come so the sinner smiles and he says if that's the case come check in on me in a few more days and you're going to see i'm going to have a lot more merits and and he laughed i mean it's a clever it's a it's a clever joke right but oblivion didn't laugh he was very serious not serious in like a stern way or a disapproving way but in like a to me mystical way in an earnest way like yeah yeah i like he was still sticking to the oblivious we're still sticking to this attitude of i'm really envious of all your merits and when he made the joke checking in checking on me in a few more days you're going to see i have even more merits i believe it's like yeah that's great yeah you're going to have more merits so this shook the guy up and he realized that oblivion wasn't rebuking him he wasn't trying to guilt him he was genuinely looking at him in the most positive light and seeing in him his potential to turn around all that darkness in his life and turn it into uh an asset and when he thought about it he took it to heart and this once famous sinner of berdychev became one of the most pious men in berdychev and was known to have a fine upstanding jewish family for generations so let's let's look back here at our original questions related to this this phrase what's it talking about first of all why does rashi first say i don't know what it means there's no other word for it in scripture but i'm going to guess it means separation and then later on he says it means pride you know why because there are two phases here there are two phases it's a process rashi has to go through this process the first thing is to say that it means separation what separation means hashem has taken you you the jewish person and has separated him from everything else and drawn him to himself hashem has taken you and drawn him to himself meaning to say you have no other connection with anything else whatever you've done that's not really you that that's not you hashem has designated you has taken you away from all that and says you are mine you belong to me not to all that stuff and any relationship you have with sinfulness that's a betrayal of your true self it's not your true self your relationship with me defines your true self your true identity is your relationship with me so that's phase number one that we have to understand that what doesn't mean hashem has separated us has chosen us for a special relationship it means separated us not just to himself but from everything else so all of the stuff that's not in alignment with the relationship with hashem that never truly becomes part of us we never have a real relationship with that stuff it falls away it just disappears like smoke it vanishes so that's phase one of the process once you realize that once you realize that due to your intrinsic underlying connection with hashem you're never really caught up in sinfulness that that stuff never really became integrated into who you are and can't it cannot become integrated into who you are because it's incompatible with who you are once you realize that that that's not the real you never was never will be you know what happens then you do teshuva you return to shiva means return return to what to your true self and all that negativity what happens to it it all of a sudden not only disappears but something even more than that it comes back to you as a great spiritual boost as an asset that this dainis nasa lay khazakis that wanton sins become merits and at that point isabru called paella oven the sinners will take pride in themselves that answers our second question why does rashi say that this special relationship the only word we have for it in all of scripture is a word about sinners being proud of themselves because this this is the secret the secret is when you realize that anything in your past that you're ashamed of anything in your past you realize was a betrayal of your true self you do not have to deny it you don't have to shut the door on it you don't have to pretend it didn't exist you have to realize it's not you it never was you but it exists for a reason it exists to bring you closer to hashem today and therefore you can be proud be proud of your story be proud of what you went through in order to get where you are be proud of the fact that you didn't take the conventional path not that we would ever do that as plan a on purpose but looking back that that's what happened and that was the providence and that was our story be proud of what you went through the twists and turns of your journey in order to make it here back to hashem back to your true self