Sometimes, We Hate that Which We Need Most | Vayetzei Women's Class

today's class is dedicated by maheran javarian in honor of her mother anthoram berlani who with her love and devotion is the light that shines and illuminates the entire family thank you very very much for your gracious partnership and friendship and may your family and your mother and you and all of you be blessed with tremendous success and bracha hashem fulfill all of your heart's desires in the most revealed and manifested way so we all know the story in parishes vayetze the beginning of parasha's vayetze yakov jacob flees his home in the land of kanan and he travels east to the house of his uncle his mother's brother by the name of loven upon arriving at the well outside of kharan a city that still exists today called haran h-r-a-r-a-n he encounters lavan's youngest daughter rahul rachel and as the terrorist says he feels he come he he is with rocco and lavon proposes a deal the deal is work for me for seven years and then i'll give her to you in marriage yaakov does that but on the wedding night lavon his future father-in-law substitutes the younger sister rocco with the older sister leia leia enters the dark tent rather than ruckle as the terrorist says and that night yaakov consummates the marriage but in the morning vayarba baiker in the morning he sees that it's layer of hilayah he comes to love on and he says why would you deceive me and love and says it's inappropriate to marry off a younger sister before an older sister ultimately jacob avino accepts his fate he remains with leia lovin agrees that he marries rachel for another seven years of work and that's what he does he marries rachel the bride of his choice and he works for lovan for yet another seven years altogether 14 years now this is how the torah describes the summation of the story and you have it the first source sheet vayezekh of teslamit genesis chapter 29 verse 30. he also loved rahul more than leia and he worked with love on his father-in-law yet another seven years in addition to the first seven years as a shepherd the next verse hashem saw that leia was loathed leia was hated so he opened her womb rahul was barren infertile the next verse pasiglamid bays vatar laya of a taylor bain vatikrishmaruven leia conceives beer is a child a son and she names him why because she says hashem has c in my affliction now my husband will love me vein is a combination of two words see being a child so this name for her represented the fact that god saw he noticed her he he recognized her pain her affliction and now hopefully there will be more affection the next verse vatar oidva taylor bain she conceived again obviously some time later and gives birth to a child whether it was nine months later a year later the terror doesn't give clearly a timeline even though in midrash and we do have clearer timelines vataimran she says when she has the second son she says hashem has heard he has heard he has been attentive to the fact that i am snua i am loathed and he has given me also this child and hence she named the second boy shimon which of course comes from the word shema or shama like israel vayishma hearing being attentive to listening to because hashem has heard me the story of course continues the next child is born levy and then there's another boy born yehuda and then the maids have children bilan zilpah rahul as a child the narrative continues this no question is one of the most intriguing stories in all of the tanakh extremely complex very nuanced one immediately sees that this is a profoundly mysterious and complicated story and the truth is that it contains some of the profoundest ideas about relationship relationships love and the workings of the human mind today i'm going to focus on other years if you recall we have dealt with various elements of the story of this story but today i want to focus on tune into one one simple question and that is the terrorist says flatly that hashem saw that leia was hated kisnu how can yaakov hate or despise his own wife leia so you might say well that's the reality i mean ask how but that's what happened but the real question is jacob avinu is the third patriarch the third of the three others of the jewish people the father of every jew living since is this really what the turtle is just saying that he simply hated his own spouse now you say well there was good reason for it there was such deception he was fooled he was deceived okay so why did he stay married to her so he hates her but he stays married to her the talmud the gemara and massachusetts nadarum very famously cautions a couple both a husband and a wife against living with a spouse that one despises and hates the gemara calls the children of such a marriage binay snua the children of somebody who's loathed and hated and always feels that it's really it has very negative consequences when the emotions in a home are so negative and hateful and toxic either you change your attitude and people can't change their attitudes people grow even if they can't change it overnight but people can learn to grow and change their attitudes or sometimes one has to get out of the marrow should get out of the marriage it's specially harmful that gomoria says for children of such relationships yet if le jakov really didn't like leia he snew a leia very strong words she's hated she's low she's despised why did he decide to stay married to her another question of course is torah as we spoke many times means a lesson the word target means a teaching a lesson it's not just a book of history it's a book of lessons that's why we know so few stories about our fathers and mothers our patriarchs and matrix we don't know many stories we know a few the stories that are chosen are not just stories to tell us historical facts but to teach lessons for history for life there is a blueprint a map to navigate the turbulence of the world and the turbulence of the inner mind what then is the lesson that the traitor is trying to provide to us with this story about how yaakov felt towards leia and leia felt about this marriage this relationship i'm going to explore today with you four different interpretations the interpretations span hundreds of years the first comes from the 12th century and here we really get to get a little taste of you know how jewish scholarship develops over hundreds and really thousands of years the first one will take us to province in southern france it comes from the 12th century the 1100s 1100s the second interpretation takes us to 17th century morocco the third interpretation takes us to 13th century spain and the final interpretation takes us to 18th century belarus or as it was known then as white russia vice ruslant so we'll go on a little journey today from province to morocco to spain to russia the first interpretation comes from the radak the radak is one of the well-known commentators of the tanakh radak is an acronym of rabbenu david kimchi he comes from a svardic family meaning from a spanish family but his father his parents escaped to france to province to southern france that's probably where he was born or raised he was born in the year 1160 and he passed away in the year 1235 and he is one of the well-known commentators of the tanach the radak what he says and you have it in the seconds in your source sheets right under the verses the second the second source well we already did the four verses so that was the first source and now we're going to the next one so here is what he says he focuses in on a very interesting detail but it's really a clue like all clues they try to tell you something we have a problem grammatically if you take a look in verse 30 the first verse that we read together together by eight say pericoptes pasta lamb and it said melea anybody who knows even basic hebrew should get stuck because there's something off here he loved gam oh so whenever you say the word oso it means that it's an addition to somebody else so clearly the titus says that he loved leia because he loved oh so rockle you're not going to say he loved osa rocco if the first person was not loved at all so it says so it sounds like he loved leia and he also loved rachel the next word is melea from leia or actually more than leia right but yeah but then the game is is wrong is off so he loved oso which means he loved leia but then you finish the sentence and you say he loved oh so rocco me more than leia in hebrew that is a very very awkward sentence not just awkward it's inaccurate according to the laws of dikhtukh of hebrew grammar the radak says the passage was written intentionally that way it was written so to speak in a way that defies the laws of grammar in order to open you up to the meaning of what the torah is saying and i quote the radak vaiyavgamilaya lahidiyaki to teach you that he also cherished and loved leia aphopis even though he never chose leia on the contrary he chose rachel and he was deceived at the night of her wedding says the radak kevin shanissa since he did marry this woman even though it was not premeditated this was not part of the plan it was not part of the dream ahava he loved her kimoy shah adam like a man a functional healthy man loves his wife just because the fact that they are married to each other they are now bound together they're living together avalyoster nonetheless there was a deeper appreciation for rahul because this is the woman that he chose so the toyota is clearly saying that he loved leia it says rocco in other words rachel was also beloved because leia was beloved nonetheless me liaracho was more than lair because later he loved because he married her they were now husband and wife rachel was the person he chose seven years before the wedding i it says hashem saw that layer was hated it's a very nice interpretation that leia was also loved but the next verse says hashem saw that leo was says he gives her a very deep psychological observation it doesn't mean that jakob hated her come on how are you distorting the words the truth is he loved leia but it says he hated her laficia hayao oyaves roccoli oyster cara leia snowa but because he had a deeper affection for leia so therefore the toyota describes leia as feeling hated kaloymar connected avaso sharachalysis because in contrast to the intense love of rachel there was a feeling of loathing of hate what the radak is telling us is that sometimes you can love two people but you love one more intensely than the other one so in the contrast to that love the second person feels not loved but not as intense as the first one the person feels that i am unloved because love as we all know is very very intense it's very messy if i may use that word meaning it's it's fiery it's passionate it's not mathematics it's a very very deep emotion so their adapt is telling us that a person could love two people yakov loved leia and he loved rachel the turtle itself who's really not being bashful in this story at all testifies to the fact that he loved leia by yavgamas ruckel but also in fact leia he loved first because he was married to her first in terms of a husband and a wife even though he loved he loved rachel obviously nonetheless because she knew that there was a special connection with rachel so therefore the turtle could use the word snua so what the radak is teaching us is that the verb sonne which we translate as hated right vaisnavo so they hated him usually means to hate the radak says in biblical hebrew it actually has a different meaning when it's contrasted with the verb to love so the translation hate the radak says is an inaccurate translation in biblical hebrew internal hebrew when it's contrasted with love it means something else it doesn't mean hate it it means loved less intensely loved less intimately that's what it means he cohabited with rachel and he loved osa rachel more than leia and hashem saw that leia was hated she wasn't hated it says he loved rachel more than leia obviously he loved her too but not as much as rachel she was less loved there's obviously a profound lesson in this when it comes to family relationships for example between parents and children mothers in law and daughters-in-law oh we shouldn't go there at the moment mothers-in-law and sons-in-law fathers-in-law and in-laws generally familial relationships close intimate relationships in any form or fashion that me loving one less than the other less passionately less intimately even though i genuinely i like them i even love them it says it's not just respect it's actually love he loved leia it says which means he lovely nonetheless the way it may be experienced and perceived by the recipient is not you know this person really cherishes me and loves me but not as much rather this person is not interested in me this person hates me so that's the observation the radak is telling us actually many many generations later the famous rabbi of germany rabbishan rafal hirsch who was the rabbi of frankfurt a mine in germany and passed away in 1888 that's the 19th century so i guess following this trajectory this line of thought of the radak even though i don't think he mentions the radak he says it's obvious from the game that the turtle wants you to know that yaakov loved leia as well as the radak points out despite the fact of what her father did by deceiving yaakov to marry leia and she was already an adult so she had to be in cahoots with her father but she rafal her suggests that perhaps she just like yaakov was also a victim of her father's deception and he says because just as loving told yaakov it's immoral to marry off a younger one before an older one he may have told that to leia as well that for her not to go into this relationship would be a complete deviation of the moral standards and norms and trusting her father she herself fell prey to his deception and therefore yaakov may have looked at leia also as a victim of her father's deception and perhaps not only that time but for many many years so therefore absentia rafal hirsch feels that yaakov could cherish leia and loveladradak says it's because a husband loves a wife an adam even in the case that it wasn't like rachel that he chose prescription default says that he may have actually felt compassion for leia just as he felt for himself so he loved perhaps rachel moore but between the two leos new and he also says it means ahuva is less loved and he says it's the same meaning and later in parshas kisawa i'm sorry impartial in deuteronomy the terrorist says he said deuteronomy 21 if a man will have two wives one is love and one is unloved and the second one has the oldest born first born and you think that you want to give the double portion to another child and the toyota says you can't there too he says means the same thing like the radak told us relative to the first one it is snow let's go to the next source i am everybody knows is that was born and raised in morocco one was one of the great holy men and sages of morocco he was born in 1696. last year last week we spoke about rebecca david valli who was born 1697. so was one year older different part of the world ramadvali was in italy was in morocco and then later he made aliyah to arizarol and lived the remainder of his life in jerusalem in urushalayim with the arachia macadis was in turt he passed away 1743 tough gimmel and he also of course wrote the famous biblical commentary printed in many homage to mccracken tradition has it that arakayam would learn with his daughters and the explanations that he shared with his daughters during their lessons he transcribed and it became the commentary of her akai darachayam lived two centuries before sigmund freud his real name is shleimela freud but he's known as sigmund freud who's considered the father of psychoanalysis freud died in 1939 right before the second world war he was a viennese assimilated jew who escaped hitler to britain and that's where he died in the end the late 30s so there are him who lived in the late 1600s as i said passed away 1743 lived two centuries before freud i'm mentioning this because when you read the rachael you find here an astonishing observation that 200 years before freud this type of thinking was not known in the secular world and this is what arachim says hashem saw that leia was hated what the terror means to say is ki hashem the only one who knew that leia was unloved was hashem nobody else did like cane he she never knew this shalom she did not feel hated what the rahayam is saying is nowhere does it say in the toyota that yaakov loathed leia that yaakov hated leia doesn't say that nor does it ever say that leia was hated she felt hated so their achievement says it's not what what do you know they're haim didn't know those so give me things good question good question good question good good thinking but before we get to that before we get to that it's what we call today the subconscious meaning so a person can have a whole array of emotions towards someone and those emotions have an impact but they're simply unaware of them now that is an astonishing observation of their akai because sometimes these emotions may be too painful or do difficult to acknowledge so i don't tell myself that this is how i feel but it's exactly how i feel the one who observes it is god vayar hashem kisnu a leia so if you would have asked leia is this the experience that you're having no if you would ask yaakov is this the experience that you're having says no yaakov said me i don't hate this person and yet hashem said that there's a deeper unresolved negative emotion that has not been dealt with it's interesting just i just came into my mind that we once spoke about this a few years ago before corona though when rifka sends jakov away in the previous portion told us she sends him away from his parents home to go to love on when this whole story begins she says you'll remain there for a few years of hamas until your brother's wrath subsides asap wants to kill you for taking the blessings when his ira subsides you'll come back that makes sense in the next pussac she repeats the same words but a little differently she says until the anger of your brother goes away from you so most commentators see it as pure redundancy but very strange you're ready set till his anger subsides it's clear why do you repeat again until the anger of your brother goes away from you which is understood till your brother stops being so angry and why is it a nuposic even if she wants to repeat the same words why a new verse so this three commentators who give a very different interpretation the bjack of david from amsterdam of the first amption of irebe the south cypher the son of the son cypher the rabbi of preshburg today bratislava and rabbit chill of allah was the rabbi of the great lithuanian yeshiva the rabbi of the city of alaska and lutheran yeshiva they all say that rivka was telling him two different things ada till your brother's wrath subsides how are you going to know that when is that going to happen what if it's eternal so she adds until the anger of your brother goes away from you rifka was telling yaakov it's not just asap who's angry at you there are also unresolved issues that you have towards asap which is a startling revelation because when we read the story you know just black and white it's like aesthetic is the bad guy yakov is the good guy yitzchak is not aware of everything rifka is the practical you know lioness mama beer who's not going to let anybody take anything from her son and she just tells jacob now run away he's going to kill you but suddenly we see here that there's a subtlety where rifka says you're going to have to also work out your own anger towards asa so following that trajectory here the talks about the fact that yaakov is having feelings to layer that he's unaware of obviously we always have to qualify that we're talking here about yaakov avinu who's on a completely different level than a regular human being talking about the others who want to recover so obviously the way it has to be applied to yaakov's level but i'm applying it more as a lesson to us the way it's reflected in our own lives the way it exists in yaakov's life himself you always have to understand it in a very subtle and refined and ageless way not to impose gross gross definitions on people who are who are who transcend them but nonetheless there is something here that's being that's being expressed that everyone can relate to on their own level which is why the toyota teaches it so vayar hashem kisnu a leia it was only hashem who understood who understood who saw when you say hashem here what does it mean hashem not just talking about god in heaven we're talking about that inner knowledge that is infinite the inner knowledge that is not eclipsed by the subconscious that's what hashem means right when you say it's not just hashem in heaven it's hashem inside of us the god inside of you knows snoozley there's a part of you that knows what's happening the divine part of you knows what's happening because it can't be it's it's not going to be eclipsed now you're asking a great question so why does leia talk about the fact kisha mahashimki snow on it so there are continues i'm just going to mention this briefly isn't there something strange the first boy she says should be removing because now my husband will love me right the second boy because god heard that i'm hated one second that should have been the first boy first you get rid of hate and then you go to love you don't start with okay now you love me now you won't hate me first stop hating me and then maybe one day you'll start liking me right it's very hard to start loving somebody when you hate them so first can we calm down the hate the anger the negativity and then but but not what leia does so that says it's exactly what happened leia wasn't aware of what's going on yaakov wasn't aware of what's going on these are subconscious emotions but leia did see obviously that the relationship is not the same as rachel that's what they're kind finishes is there's no negativity it's just that intense positivity is not there so the first child she says with the next child darachaim says she came to discover that which lay embedded in yaakov's heart and therefore also embedded in her heart now what their heim i think is also teaching us in our own lives what the terror is teaching us according to the prism of our achievements sometimes people are engaging in behaviors you're stonewalling somebody you're spacing out in somebody's presence but this may just be a defense mechanism to the fact that i'm not ready to acknowledge the depth of the hurt or the depth of the pain the loneliness the anger that i may be experiencing because it's not comfortable so instead i just space out or instead i just become emotionally unavailable i detach because then there's no confrontation i don't have to deal with these emotions but sometimes these are very real things happening inside of me or inside of you that if i don't confront on any level i'll never be able to cleanse myself from them now we have to do it with appropriate sensitivity and respect because sometimes in the name of honesty a person can also be very self-destructive and also destructive to others so one has to really have that support and mentorship of somebody who really wants you to be successful and to be happy and to do what is what is good and right on every level to guide us in these dark sub-seller dark sub-sellers of our complicated psyche but their achievement is teaching us a person has to be able to be aware aware of this sometimes i just know that i'm triggered by something i don't know why i'm triggered but i'm just triggered by something and therefore i avoid it sometimes people blame it on on hashem on religion in other words sometimes it becomes a religious issue of why i'm doing it but all of these may be just camouflaging something very basic something very deep that i never confronted and maybe i never had the help to confront for me vignevin there's a lot more to say about this but i want to go to i want to go to the third level somebody once shared with me this person is a very very uh idealistic person really an idealistic person and a fine person and they were telling me about a certain relationship they had in their family and it was they didn't know why it was very very negative extremely negative and the person for many years maintained their theories but why this relationship was negative and they gave it all types of spiritual interpretations he said it was one day when somebody pointed out to him maybe you're simply angry about something that happened at this and this point in your relationship you're simply angry and you never forgave this person and he told me he says i couldn't accept that i was such a petty person i couldn't accept that i was angry me how can i be angry at another person i'm not that type of person so for so many years he was in denial that because he's an idealistic person and he's a good person and he's a holy person so therefore these emotions completely cannot be applicable to his life but he was really backstabbing himself and the other person because he was not ready to confront what is actually going on inside of me what am i feeling what am i processing and what i have to confront and deal with if i ever want to cleanse myself or at least be aware of what's going on so that it doesn't take control of me because here is the deal when something is on a subconscious level it controls me because i have no awareness of it so even though i'm not aware of it i think it doesn't exist really it exists in a much more powerful way because if i'm aware of something i can then make a choice i could say okay this is what's going on but now i'm going to make a choice to respond in this in this way which ultimately after a while can actually help cleanse it or at least find some repair some acceptance of it in one form or another and maybe even extricate it although not with a hammer and a nail or a plier you don't chase away darkness through sticks they'll never work nobody ever banished darkness through sticks and swords and spears and daggers not how you banish darkness it has to be with with compassion with self-love with sensitivity but when i'm unaware of something now it has full control over me tamakaya that's why there is so much resistance to awareness yet zahara doesn't want me to be aware because the more i'm aware the more choices i have if i'm not aware it controls me fully and it uses deceptive measures to manipulate me into thinking that there's other wonderful good reasons why i am destined to be in this and this type why i am destined to be trapped in this in this type of emotion let's go to the third interpretation here we go to one of the most famous commentaries of hummus diramban rabbenu moisha ben nachman from spain known as nahmanidis he was born in girona or garona in spain in the year was one of the greatest leaders of spanish jury besides being a rabbi and a sage and a commentator and a communist and a physician and a doctor and ultimately at the end of his life he was compelled to go there to syrah because of his debate with pablo christianity which he won debate against christianity and over there in that era if you won a debate you lost the debate and if you lost the debate you certainly lost the debate and the only thing that was worse than losing the debate was winning the debate because that was an insult so he had to leave and he moved to ireshalaim he still have the shula rambani passed away in 1270. the ramban gives us a very straightforward interpretation maybe the most literal of the above interpretations we had the radak rafal hirsch following that we had now we have the ramban and ramban says that yaakov was very hurt yaakov was very very upset and it was very hard for him to accept leia let's see the ramban gambia ultimately followed her father's advice and was deceptive towards her sister she took her sister's place she also deceived yakov covered i can understand that those days this is not 2021 when tati said to do something remember those days you did it tati said you're doing it you did it right even in the rambans days it was that way so she was respectful towards her father he held on to her and he literally led her into the tent and she would not betray and defy and rebel against her father so what do you want from leia what do you want from leia says the ramban i got it but yaakov felt why didn't she say something so you might say she couldn't say something because her father would who knows what he would do but the ramban says lyramos she could have hinted she could have intimated to yaakov that there is a scandalous deception going on is a whole night she did not uh display any hint that she was layer that's what the terrorist says was only in the morning when the sun begins shining and some rays i guess came into the tent that jacob recognizes its leia she never intimated anything of this betrayal of her father and that's why yaakov felt so negatively towards leia he felt he was deceived by life and leia was certainly part of it even if she didn't initiate it even if she wasn't to blame but she played along with her father she did not have to at least not to such an extreme and therefore he feels negativity says hashem knows something else that there was a reason for this and that is she yearned to be married to this sadiq and the alternative as rashi famously says was asa virique so god had compassion for her he understood that this is a sad story a painful story and he understood jacob's emotions but he also understood leia's emotions leia was in a very difficult situation this is almost a dual tragedy you know you win if you do it and you you it's any way you look at it it's a tragedy here what was supposed to be leia's fate and destiny was supposed to be a very different one leia yearned to choose a different life for herself yaakov felt betrayed but leia felt betrayed by other reasons so the ramban says god understood all of these equations verifying allah and he had compassion for the um this is the this is the fl the line of thinking of the sages in madrid in madrid's section 71 chapter 2. the madrid says that yaakov actually wanted to get divorced because he saw that leia deceived her sister her sister rachel was supposed to have him and leia had him this is how the madrid says it he said this is not going to work when he saw that god gave her all these children umar he said iman shall elu animegaresh am i going to get divorced from the mother of these children how can i do that first of all he loved these children he saw the quality of the children and he learned about leia through the children and what the medicare is describing is that type of marriage that may begin in a very complicated and negative way but then the couple builds a family together and that family that unit living together just creates a new dynamic that nobody could have expected nobody goes into you don't go into a marriage that way it's going to work out when there's going to be kids that's a very dangerous thing to do and very irresponsible in most cases but in this case where yaakov was deceived and then he saw the results as they were happening and they were unfolding he says i can't destroy this family unit actually iman chalelo animagarish i know everything that happened i know that i'm upset about what leia did but jakob saw a larger picture and he chose differently for that time and that's what the terror means it was god who orchestrated events in a way that jacob would not say goodbye to leia because of hashem's compassion they knew that leia was a special woman who wasn't herself in a very difficult and possible situation and therefore hashem orchestrated events that despite all the pride all the setbacks the marriage would still would still work out this is the ramban's reading of these verses uncomfortable story the ramban says yaakov is uncomfortable leia is uncomfortable god feels the nobility of leia and he says we're going to make this work despite all of the challenges and interesting generations later there was a great rabbi in krakow known as the magala mukus the magala mukhas his name was ribnessen shapiro actually on his tombstone in krakow it says something very rare that you ever read on a tombstone that he learned terror from the mouth of elio navi and we know that we're very meticulous what we write on tombstones because on the shama is held accountable to what they write on the tombstone so people are careful not to exaggerate and dramatize them that's what it says he passed away in the year tough 1640 1640 just eight years before the khmellanetsky pogroms magala mukha is parishes he feels that this is the narrative that will pervade the rest of safe liberations this story of yaakov and leia and rahul will have its consequences throughout the story the magala mukha says following the rambam in other words this story is at the vortex of the remainder of the genesis drama hashvatim the tribes keshero when they saw me when they saw that yaakov loved joseph more than the other brothers this is of course two portions later by asia hush who they believed they felt that yaakov ultimately could not find real nachos real delight in the children of leia for two reasons they were bene snowa they were the children of a woman he had a very difficult relationship with urbane tomorrow tomorrow means children of a woman who was substituted because when he was together with when he was with leia the first night he thought it was rocco so it was the mistaken woman so this is what they felt perhaps that the relationship with joseph is just a continuation of the saga that happened that evening with yaakov and leia and therefore they projected the same emotion they loathe the isaf feeling that yakiv loathes them because they are children of leia so now they love joseph who is the oldest son of rocco he besv because they feel that because of him they lost their father's affection they lost their father's blood they were blemished they were blemished in the eyes of their father joseph is guilty because joseph is the one who who brings to the fore the fact that this family there is priority you know there is someone special rocco versus leia and that's what they feel joseph brought out from his father and the magala mukha says this was the source of their negativity towards towards yosef now what we learned from the ramban again in our lives and from what this magala mukhas is again i'm applying this to our lives is how difficult and messy relationships and families can be you know we often talk about dysfunction in families now people don't like hearing this talk because for many years the projection was you know that our family is perfect right our families are perfect especially when it comes to shidduchim our families are perfect and the truth is and you'll forgive me all the only families i know that are perfect are the families i don't know and there are many families i don't know or the fact i should say the families i don't know well because you know the real story of life is not perfection you find me a family that's perfect and the fact that they think they're perfect is probably a very profound imperfection and a lot of denial denial is not only a river in egypt it's part of people's lives the journey of life is confronting my imperfections confronting my wounds confronting my my mess confronting the wilderness of the spirit and then asking myself you know how do we create how do we create meaning and how do we create truth and authenticity within within this reality within this life and we do what we can of course to repair to fix to make amends to think of things differently to change behaviors to alter our neural pathways to really tune into what is happening and try to create music from the violin chords that god and life has given us and i think this this ramban and this magala mukha is a real real testimony to this type of work you know safe abracious is all about our founding fathers our founding mothers it's where we all come from nobody could say that they're not part of this story so this story impacts us all and even though again we're talking here about the greatest of the great and the holiest of the holy and exactly how you have to explain it in their lives awaits profound and subtle explanation but the application and the lessons to us i think are very obvious about our whole attitude to these types of things there's a lot of stigma in our conversations out of fear that i'm going to reveal too much about truth and authenticity the most sensitive children in every family are the ones who are allergic to lies they're allergic to cover-ups they're allergic to deceptions so they basically bring out to the fore what other people repress so we get very upset at them because you know you're ruining you're ruining everything but one day when we mature we become more divine we become thankful to them for allowing us all to go on a journey into much deeper places into ourselves anybody relates to what i'm saying okay thank you i don't want to feel like the only imperfect machine in this place okay the day i got engaged my brother gave me advice and he said do me a favor don't try to be perfect in your relationship because i know you and your relationship's gonna have a lot of flaws the only thing i would suggest to you is be accountable in your relationship don't run away when there are mistakes don't run away when there are things unresolved is that people run away remain present in your imperfection that is much much deeper and more real advice than the advice of being perfect and never making a mistake because human beings are designed in a way that we fail we error we become unaware we still have to grow up we have to mature we learn about things later on in life and we all have a set of tools that are given to us by nature and nurture that we work with and that set of tools always has to be reevaluated and expanded with the grace of our father in heaven we now go to the fourth interpretation fourth interpretation comes from as i said 18th century belarus it's found in the writings of the first two rebbes of chabad the balatanya and his son the mithler ebba the balatanya the author of the tanyan shahnawaz zalman of liadi he was born in lyajna in belarus a little town in 1745 that's two years after their achievement passed away and he passed away in 1812 escaping napoleon's army napoleon invaded russia in 1812 and he didn't want to be under napoleon so he escaped to the ukraine where he passed away in tavis the last year of his life was tough ayan baze 1812 that's the year he passed away the beginning of ayan gimmel and in a minor that he said that year shabbas vayetze tough iron base that's 1812 it was actually the end of 1811. he revealed another dimension to this whole saga of yaakov and leia and he had a son who succeeded and known as the mitila rabbenu div bear of dave bear who in his discourses on by eight say continue to develop and expand this idea of his father it's a stunning interpretation or question it's deering it's creative and it's really i think also life-changing in many ways at least that's how i see it and i want to learn that with i want to learn it with you it's a it's a paragraph here in hebrew but i have to say i hope you don't understand in other words if you understand immediately what we're reading here then i have failed as a teacher because it's it's extremely nuanced it's extremely um profound and the language is also very mystical and transcendent we have to demythologize abstract language okay thank you that's very sweet of you [Laughter] but i still uh i still think i was right but i thank you that's very gracious but we're going to tr we're going to try but hashem to bring it down and apply it at least to some limited degree at least some of the points that are being conveyed in order to appreciate what the balatanya teaches about the story we have to remember a teaching of the zaihar about leia and rahul every personality in hummus when you study them from the perspective of pina miyazatero which means the way it's explained in madrashim and kabbalah and hasidis in works of mahshava and ashkaf are not just physical people who lived at a particular time in history even though it's also that but they also represent qualities and dimensions of the human psyche that exist constantly within the human being this is also true about leia and it's also true about rachel so leia and rachel are not just two sisters but the zohar says and i quote that of course is the foundational text of kabbalah alma descartes means the hidden world alma desgalia means the revealed world and desire even says that's why leia is buried in a cave maharasama because she is the hidden world and rahul was not buried in a myria it says that yaakov buried her on the road and the tombstone is on top kevin rachel is on top so the zoya says because rahul represents from all the mice almades the revealed world what does this mean one way of explaining it is rocco represents the conscious self the revealed world if i were to ask you please describe yourself to me i mean an authentic description not just a resume for an office which may also be authentic but maybe a little more external but i mean a real you know talk about yourself in a real way an epitome is dick away in an authentic way i'm talking about somebody you trust obviously a person will tell you a lot of very interesting things about themselves that many people don't know your thoughts and your feelings and your emotions and your dreams and your disappointments and your setbacks and your failures and your victories and your triumphs and your aspirations your past your present what your hope is your future perhaps your childhood your teen years your earlier years etc anything about a person's life that's alma desgalia it's the self that is projected to me it's what's happening in my brain in a very conscious way every single moment people are thinking about something right even now you're thinking about something i hope it's what i'm talking about but not necessarily right because everybody has a lot on their plate so there's a lot going on constantly in our emotions in our mind some people are more self-aware some people are less self-aware which is sometimes a blessing but the fact is that any level of self-awareness is about my projected self it's manifested it's expressed it can be articulated in language desire says rocco is connected to speech and leia is connected to the world of hidden thoughts whatever can be articulated in language is something that i come to terms with i can talk about it i can categorize it if not i can't talk about it so the fact that i speak about it is already it's my conceptual my conceptualized dimension of self it's the way the self is a concept that i can think about i can articulate i can cry about i can laugh about i can share leia is alma de escacia the hidden world she represents the unconscious self or if you wish or if you will the super conscious self a self that is also existing but it's just beyond my conscious articulation of it it's the components of my identity that are hidden from the surface not just from other people's surfaces even from my own brain's surface it's it's hidden from my own conscious expression it's beyond my conceptualized sense of self you know when i look and i ask myself who is rabbi why why jacobson i have a lot of answers for that i also have a lot of questions why why right there's a lot of questions but as deep as i go there's something i'm conceptualizing i'm using my brain to try to figure things out this is who i am this is i'm not people so i'm going to spend a lifetime try and figure that out but we all know there's layer layers a whole hidden world alma disgustia it's beneath the surface completely beneath my own surface and beneath our surface each one in their own way so every person has a rockhall and a layer and each one of your children is arachalan and your spouse does hooray as though you didn't know that in every person we encounter there's a ruckle and there's a layer within ourselves and our children our parents our siblings our friends within our entire lives and of course our experience with hashem also operates on two levels in kabbalah there's something called tikkun rakul and tikkun leia tikkun khatsays in siddhurum that have together the prayer as we say after midnight for the ghoul of a mashiach there's something called tikkun rakhal and tikkun leia tikarakal are the prayers associated with rahul and tikolay are the prayers associated with leia so rocco always represents those dimensions of my identity that i could make sense of because it's his galia it's revealed it's articulated i can wrap my brains around them i can somehow become comfortable with them even if they're a little complex or maybe they're a lot complex but that itself becomes part of my artistic journey and experience you know some people are very proud of the fact that they're complicated they think like somehow to be complicated as a great achievement i mean if you are you just are but you know some people are very proud of the fact that they're complex they're complicated but even if that's the case i can articulate i can wrap my brain around it so rocco represents those aspects of myself or my spouse or my child or somebody else in my life that i can comprehend i can grasp i can appreciate and therefore i could somewhat control also because that which i understand that which i can talk about i have a little control over because i get it you know when you get something it's like okay so this is how you deal with it this is how you don't how you don't deal with it so rachel represents those aspects of your children that you get and you're comfortable with sometimes they may be difficult sometimes they may be very enjoyable they may bring one type of nachos or another type of nachos but i feel like i have some some control some shlita it's the part of myself or of my loved ones that i can categorize i can classify i could see the patterns i can see the structures it's the parts of my psyche that i have come to terms with leia omg hyphen represents the components of my spouse or myself that challenge me that i don't have in in yiddish it says i don't have it it may be completely hidden so i don't even know about it but that which is more hidden comes out it just comes out in very different ways it doesn't come out in ways that i can grasp and articulate it's sometimes those aspects of our children that challenge us and force us to re-evaluate ourselves in ways that we never had to it's those children that compel us to reevaluate our parenting our very identities our conceptualized sense of self leia is a vista into a self that i can't conceptualize it doesn't fit into my box even my intellectual or spiritual box it's the dimensions of my identity that i may have repressed i may have suppressed and therefore access to them triggers me in very very profound ways leia represents the parts of me that i cannot easily make sense of i cannot wrap my brain around it it shocks my conscious brain now bear with me we're gonna read inside okay don't try to understand this please don't try to wrap your brain around it if you try to wrap your brain around it you're defeating the purpose you know the person who went into barnes and noble and they go to the person behind the desk the woman behind and he says can you please tell me where the self-help section is she says well if i tell it to you it will defeat the purpose so i'm going to ask you to please not wrap your brain around what i'm saying [Laughter] you just got it it's a good one though yeah so that way you can actually get it much more okay so take a look i'm going to read fast and translate just hear the words and basic rashem when we finish reading it we'll be able to make at least a little more sense of it tyra skyem why didn't yakov wanna work for love and for leia who's who's older than rochelle and why didn't he love leia like the answer it's a world that is eclipsed it's a world that is wondrous it's a world that's extraordinary profound vahayu is yaakov it's beyond the level of yaakov yaakov represents the midos which are a person's deep conscious powerful emotions and motives it's emotions that a person can articulate why i appreciate these things why i love these things that i the ideas behind these emotions are felt the mortgage in a very conscious way i understand the beauty of this idea and therefore of these emotions he's describing here last week dr aaron beck died he was a jew he was 100 years old he's the founder of cognitive behavioral therapy cbt he passed away at 100 he revolutionized this idea all emotions are preceded by thoughts there's no emotion that's not preceded by thought i never get emotional because of what you said to me i get emotional because of how i processed what you said to me now it's not we don't go there of course not i get emotional because of you but that's not true nobody ever gets emotional about anybody else they only get emotional because of how they think about somebody else so change your thoughts change your feelings change your mind change your find poetry so that's the concept of yaakov yakov knows his emotions based on certain ideas that are very rich but that's not where reality ends that's why cognitive therapy is is amazing and very helpful but it doesn't help for trauma it doesn't help for all traumas because there are other parts and people psyches that my changing my thoughts will not help i'm just showing you this contrast we're now going to learn about how it's manifested in contemporary uh in contemporary psychology so he says words therefore jacob did not recognize and he couldn't understand leia because she was above him there was something in leia that transcended yaakov's ability to capture to conceive to understand and therefore to appreciate in parentheses he says gizelle is the deepest ideas that are at the core of your comprehension which has not been articulated in your own understanding and therefore you cannot have conscious emotions from it yet because it's not something that you really grasp and because you didn't grasp it you can't have conscious emotions jakov is conscious divine emotions that come from the ideas and thoughts that he really understands but leia is an idea that still eludes him it transcends him infinitely and therefore you can't emote from it because it's too profound i can't i can't grasp it i emote from the thoughts that i get hopefully they're not distorted but here we're talking about divine thoughts divine emotions yakov's emotions and kabbalah yakov is called za he's a reflection of hashem's midis and here is what's known i love this next line the khaldhavar nifla venela saga shalom anything that i can't understand something that i cannot contain i cannot control i cannot grasp i cannot wrap my brain around it i cannot love such a thing i cannot desire such a thing at all you know why because it's not feeding my eye it's not feeding my conceptualized sense of self i cannot receive life from it conscious life from it may be yo sir because it's so concealed it's exactly to the contrary love allah not only do i not love it i will often begin hating it i will often begin despising it because it's so beyond me and the pleasure will become a source of pain what is really a source of infinite pleasure becomes a source of such profound pain what he's teaching us here is people hate what they don't understand it's too scary it's too overwhelming it's too shocking i love you if i can understand you because then there is control my brain is conditioned i have to survive and i have to be intact and if i can't understand you what do i do i have to dismiss you so sometimes i could say you're crazy that works i don't have to hate you you're sugar but sometimes you're not so what do i do i just i hate you i hate it it's not i hate you it's personal the person may have not done anything but there's something here that is is confronting me with something that's too overwhelming it's too startling so not only can't i love it but sometimes it's causing me pain because it's touching upon a deeper level of reality that i'm not open to so i have to resist it in order to be able to cope in order to continue cultivating my survival skills i have to survive so i have to push it away because you're going to confuse things you're going to open things that i don't open you're going to open shopping bags and suitcases and closets that we sealed many many millennia ago or centuries ago or decades ago i may have sealed it when i was four when i was five when i was six i can't go back there it's too much i close it up and now you are digging away you're chopping away at that space there's too much resistance so how does it translate emotionally i'm allergic to this i don't know but i just can't deal with this so what is the hate really coming from the hate is coming from because i was just exposed to something i so desperately need to heal something that i was not ready to deal with and therefore i'm resisting it so the hate is actually a sign of a connection but a connection that i can only cultivate if i reinvent myself and who wants to do that you need time you need mental space melee but the level of humility and vulnerability that you need that's why i said leia oh my god omg and he says further he says al derek marshall a i'll give you an example he says sometimes people hear a class and they understand everything that they're learning it makes sense and it's beautiful it's really nice it's stimulating it's enriching he says you're learning something and you really get it with two of tom vadas it makes sense there's a geshmak it's like eating something that has a delicious flavor and your taste buds love it and you want to learn more he says it's so pleasurable and it gives you vitality and it's conscious and the more you eat it the more you get it the more you grasp it in fact the word in hebrew for flavor tom is the same word for reason right you ever realize tom is a flavor right tom it has a tom doesn't have a tom this supernish kantam yeah tom also means a reason like a tom what's the time for this what's the connection you understand why when something has a reason it's reasonable it's flavorable you all know that there are certain foods yeah that are so subtle they say you have to develop a taste yeah you know like kale celery right soy beans potato chips nobody has to develop a taste torts black and whites drug a lot cheese danishes lasagna nobody develops nobody has to work on developing a taste well some people healthy adler people but then some things you have to develop a taste there's no time you say there's no time so sometimes there's no time kaka because the chef didn't know what they were doing he said sometimes you come across an idea that is so profound and there's no way you're going to get it there's no way you could master it control it wrap your brain around it so he says you know what happens it's not just you say okay he says you actually develop a negativity towards it you don't want it he says it becomes like a heavy burden somebody puts a washing machine on my shoulders get it out here why it's too much it's too heavy you're you're you're rattling my equilibrium did i just invent the sentence huh it's too much heavy it's heavy give me something light that i can hold on to this is too heavy so what do i do i dismiss it layer that's what it means leia was hated shohu your secret thoughts your unconscious thoughts your deeper thoughts which you can't have a conscious positive emotion towards shannon michael ryan leo is she was so concealed and so wondrous alkane hoisters even after he married her even after he's in this relationship she's in front of your eyes there is too much resistance that's why in the beginning it's not leia that he desires it's not something you gravitate to because i gravitate to things that are based on my conceptualized sense of self but something that challenges my conceptualized sense of self why would i want it even after he's in a relationship with her it doesn't get better it gets more difficult now there is negativity like this is too much mashem is the revealed world it's where thoughts come out into words it's conscious it's experienced the light of ideas and emotions come out in the most revealed sense that there's a flavor there's an appreciation rocco is your fast toyah fast mara rocco is beautiful it's not just physical russell is that part that it's so beautiful it's compelling it's so appealing it's attractive because it's something that sits well with me it vitalizes me gives me more heels it gives me more energy leo the bellatonia writes in hebrew comes from the word layut which means exhaustion who names a daughter exhaustion that's not a nice name it says in homage egyptians will get exhausted exhaustion leia means exhaustion rachel is what's rachel a sheep are you a sheep is a very serene animal right animal therapy the first animal they have children deal with is a sheep it's serene it's tranquil you know the numerical value of rakhal is 238 value and there was light rahul is the light layer is the deeper light which translates as darkness yoitsar ir uvoire what's higher yet surovaire yitzira is lower than voirei so it should be youtube now the darkness of byron is much higher than the light of the utzer the reason it's dark is because it transcends my eyes ability to see to perceive so what is the mithler ebba telling us here people recoil from that which they cannot wrap their brains around it's too humbling to say you don't have to wrap your brain around reality especially for ashkenazic cerebral jews i need to understand and my whole life i was trained for staying for staying you want to understand but i fear that which i can't conquer i loathe that which i can't control i appreciate love and cherish that which i can assimilate into my identity into my modalities into my boxes into my structures so when i have face a reality that defies my comfort zones what do i do i lash out i attack i denigrate or if i'm not so aggressive i don't explode i implode right i lash out at myself maybe i tell myself here's another one i'm stupid i'm ridiculous i'm never going to get it which again is depriving you of a relationship just like when you say get out of my life i don't want to hear these words they're foolish when i also say i'm dumb i'm stupid i'll never get it that's also a way of running away from a relationship it's also a defense mechanism you know when a kid says i'm too stupid for school that's not humility it's it's horrible pain it's giving up there's no there's no hope for me it's another response it's the other side of aggression it's running away it's spacing out it's detaching i don't want to get aggressive but i just spaced out i can't deal with this i smile i change the subject and i go eat or whatever my distraction is i'm just about me i'm not talking about you things that rattle everything i have come to know about myself now i have to say something else not everybody gets to meet leia during their lifetime i think somehow in the last few years god is almost forcing everybody to meet their leia and that's why people are wondering what what happened the last few years why what where's the anxiety coming from the anxiety is coming from welcoming leia into your life is that a good thing or a bad thing that's what you have to that and that that question i can't answer i can answer it for me i can't answer it for you so rocco is you faster you fast mara as they translated in english rabbi kaplan her physique her countenance is beautiful in other words we get rocco we look at rochelle and we say valedictorian navy breweries and i'm sorry if i missed out some of them did i get them all mrs claude but most of them okay she suits our comfort zone she's perfect on the resume she's the greatest girl who ever lived in the century and you know what she enhances our lives she's a beautiful you va or she is light the you it has usually bright white colors and is lovable in nature she projects the beautiful divine light rahul is an extraordinary woman rahul is the woman who reveals hashem's light in this world leia is the woman leia is the person you want me to pause the sd card also can't wrap itself around everything so it also needs a break rocco embodies an infinite depth infinity means there's no box it's infinite it's ain't safe it's limitless when infinity comes into my life what happens if i remain in my modalities i have to reject it i have no choice i'm normal don't freak out at yourself for freaking out of course you freak out thank god you have good survival skills you have good coping skills it perplexes me layer perplexes me layer confuses me overwhelms me it rattles my conscious psyche layer has no filter i don't mean layer the person had no filter i don't know about that me person lay the concept of layers no filters and therefore nobody sees leia we're just made uncomfortable by leia rocco we see leia's light we don't see it's beyond us but we know that she rattles us you can't see your unconscious you know why because if you see it it's not your unconscious what i see is what my finite eye can grasp i can get shaken by it because i could never have it it has me alma this galia i can have alma disgustia has me now we hit the pinnacle how do you meet leia in your life and the answer is you can't meet layer consciously if you choose to meet leia it won't be leia why that which i prepare for that which i dream for that which i want is always a reflection of my expectations of my aspirations of my dreams so i can't choose to meet leia because if i choose to meet leia it's not leia so now look at the next paragraph that's why yakov's marriage with leia was unconscious not with das because leia is that which transcends yaakov's awareness so if you tell yakov come meet leia get to know leia look forward to it this is what's going to happen it won't happen that which i'm looking to meet is always a reflection of how i know myself how i understand myself yaakov can't enter into a relationship with leia by choice leia always surprises us leia always shocks us leia always reveals to us our super conscious my conscious self is not going to agree to that relationship if my conscious self would agree to that relationship it's not my super conscious self it's not my infinity so leia represents the parts of me that i don't know in a systematic way maybe i have been avoiding it my whole life so how does it enter my life it enters my life not through das it enters my life unconsciously how do i encounter leia we call it an english a mistake it was a mistake what was it really it was really my unconscious self yearning to see itself in the mirror it was that which is higher than my dos yearning to connect with that that it is really connected to that it really relates to things that transcend my system enter into my life always through unconscious pathways these are relationships i build not realizing what i'm doing these are encounters i initiate these are things that happen in my life i call them curveballs i call them insanity i call them crazy stuff they don't let me sleep at night but if i really get it then i realize i don't have to get it i can open myself up i don't need my brain to control it and then i can allow myself growth into an infinite space that my das doesn't have to control and i can let go of the resistance that i had all this time because i was afraid that i'm going to melt in the process and i really discover a self that is beyond self an infinite self so jakov can't agree to marry leia you can't get him to you could talk to him for a thousand years it just doesn't happen if you agree to it with your dust it's not what you need it's not what god wants to give you here leia defies my very sense of i how can my eye choose leia when leia defies my eye my conceptualize eye cannot go there sorry it's a contradiction my conscious eye will not go there it's the super conscious self that chooses leia in an in in an unconscious way because that's where i will discover my real self that's where i will grow most that's where i will transcend my finite self into my real divine self so what happens is as follows yaakov chooses to marry rocco that's what you're supposed to do you love rocco you cherish rocco you meet rachel you want to be with rocco in the process he marries leia only then will he marry rahul a second time what does this mean what this means the bellatania is saying is this each of us marries two people i don't mean physically each of us marries and i don't even mean married people only married people too of course marriage brings it out very very uh in a very manifest way but this is true about every relationship we marry two people we marry leia we marry rocco our conscious self marries our conscious spouse jakov marries rocco hopefully bazer hashem it's amazing it's astounding it's beautiful it has its ups and downs rachel is rocco yaakov in every relationship but your conscious self married your conscious spouse there's another marriage that happens that marriage that happens is a very different marriage my unconscious self marries my unconscious spouse i can't choose it because if i tell the shotgun you know i think it's really working out you're not in that zone you're an amadeus ghalia which you should be but there's another process that happens on a level that's it happens in the middle of the night in the dark and i couldn't prepare for it because if i could have prepared for it it's not that my unconscious my super conscious self marries my super conscious spouse one spouse we love the second spouse challenges us the first spouse i'm comfortable with it's almost like you're an extension of me i'm an extension of you right what do they say two p's how do they say it two halves of a hole two p's in about you come to the left you come to the casino two p's in a but they already look like each other you know the enters by the shovel brokers they look like each other they finish each other's sentences okay i would wait a few years but fine the unconscious self that met the unconscious spouse is challenged the conscious self now feels rattled leia is not easy to love why not because of her inferior qualities but because of her infinite depth leia is my vista into infinity and that requires tremendous inner work vulnerability we call it bitter stripping myself away from the protective layers the bullet vests the gears that i put on on myself to learn how to define myself and open myself up to that which is beyond us yaakov understands this or to put it more accurately yaakov understands that this is something you don't understand and that's what it means he understands this yaakov understands this is not something you control so what happens he learns to appreciate respect and love leia it's not an easy journey it's a complex process in fact most of his life who does he live with leia rocco passed away very young who is he buried with leia 3 600 years yaakov is with leia not with rachel what happened that's like a double tragedy but let's now apply it to our lives those aspects in your life that you're running away from most may contain your deepest healing may contain my deepest healing those aspects in my spouse or in your spouse that often challenge me irk me trigger me sometimes hold the secret to my recovery they hold a secret to go beyond the superficial beyond the surface and discover what is really happening those aspects in your relationship that challenge the deepest emotions in you may contain the key to ultimate self-discovery now i should always say this sometimes we hate things because they're bad for us but not always sometimes we hate things because we're scared of their truth you have to know the difference sometimes i hate things because i'm allergic to them and it's a good thing that you know what you hate but sometimes you hate that which is too good too real too authentic too vulnerable too divine but i can't control it with my brain and it's shocking my system maybe i can't open myself up to unknown horizons maybe it makes me feel ignorant and i don't want to feel ignorant maybe it makes me feel vulnerable i don't want to feel vulnerable maybe it makes me feel how much growth i need i don't want that maybe it makes me feel that i really have to work on myself i don't want that maybe it's touching something that i have held i have hidden so long because i feel that if that comes out i'm gonna die my image will die and i cannot afford that i'm sorry i have to hate you because the alternative is death anybody knows what i'm talking about if you know what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about if you don't know what i'm talking about i don't want to say barak hashem but then you don't know what i'm doing it's fine we don't want to be forced to go play to places that we have repressed and leia does just that and that's why she's called exhaustion she makes me exhausted because she makes herself exhausted because she comes from a place that can be very exhausting until we learn that that is where ultimate emancipation is that's where we're ultimate liberally is so if you look at the end of the whole story at the end of the whole story how does it end not the end he opened her room rocco was barren what is that supposed to mean it's a shocking statement it's often that things that we are afraid of people we are afraid of relationships and truths that we are afraid of the hashem that we can't fit into our comfort zone that relationship with hashem that we call mistakes curveballs it's beyond dos i never planned for this i never expected this this is not how my family was supposed to look this is not what my marriage was supposed to look like this is not what my career was supposed to look like it's all beyond us this is not what my life coach told me i'm good at but it's that relationship with that that i am so afraid of that allows me to give birth to my deepest soul powers by surrounding myself only with things and people that make me feel in control i remain barren i remain infertile there's no new birth i just follow a very finite fixed mantle birth is about eternity binyan a dayad daryu sharim i'd say of caladarius it's eternity it's why through marriage that they can be procreation because when i'm on my own i may be a perfect bachelor but i'll never touch infinity it's by the relationship with somebody else who's different who's rocco and leia that i learn ain't scythe that's why the whole system of the cosmos is that the male and the female need unity to create a new generation not just by people by the whole animal kingdom even in the world of botany by trees if there's no male and female 0g they can't be pro-creation because procreation is about infinity it's about ain't safe so if i surround myself with people that are yes say is that i feel comfortable my infinity never emerges by exposing myself to the unknown i give birth to infinity what is more to marry rocco you first have to marry leia because you could never love your rockle if you did not make peace with your lair it's only when i can embrace my layer that i can really really also make peace with my ruffle because if not my peace with ruffle is hiding something it's resisting something it's like it's too much energy it's like i'm going like this but i'm also pushing something away it's too much i can't really i can't really embrace it's only when i make peace with leia that all the pieces can become one and that's why ultimately rahul passes away spiritually what that means is that the sisters converge in other words the image of your spouse only as rachel dies the image of my child only as rocky you know picture perfect it dies away with time rachel and leia really spiritually become one because the two are really the oneness of life which is part of the oneness of ainseith they're not really two they're just two in my fear in my in my stubbornness to hold on to my systems i create a duality there's no duality there's oneness hashem so when i could make peace with leia i can make peace with rahul so now i want to finish with this last paragraph in hebrew in the last of your sources 1812. did not comprehend the root of leia who is bina the deepest understanding the mother of all children al kain amar evade shannon so he wanted a sovereign the only way you can get things actualized is through rachel she's the world of speech and yaakov is about revelation visa kosovan is that means when he married her he didn't know her he pasha didn't know his wife when he married her under that hoop in that tent he didn't know her only the next morning what does that mean because she transcended his spiritual level volcanoes lay by orphanage the only way he can marry her is in a way that he doesn't know who she is the only way he could become one with her he can have intimacy with her is in a way that his das is not present his conscious self is not here it's not part of this relationship it's happening on a completely different level unity is only through das that's the first marriage adam you have to know who your wife is you have to know who your husband is then there's a relationship that happens so therefore biker by biker only by biker suddenly there was a light a new light that comes into his life and and vegeta have a wonderful week welcome it's been a while you know it's great i know i know what i wanted to say i know one said mr gilbert hold on i know what i wanted to say if you wanna if you wanna see the intricate beauty of torah purim is the one time a year that the ham say you have to get inebriated ad the lawyer you shouldn't know or it's a little bit of a strange mitzvah okay it's only once a year but still why should you not know it's good to know no it's good to know knowledge is power know thyself plato said but here's the deal if you look in the megillah esther told mordechai i can't go to achashverish if i go he's going to kill me he hasn't invited me for 30 days so marduk i said to her don't think you're going to be saved if you deny that you're a jew they're going to catch up to you as well the ss will find everybody and the gestapo will kill you too that's number one don't become don't think you're gonna escape your people don't deny your jewishness then he says number two god will find a way to save the jews even if you refuse but you and your house might perish then he adds his last words um who knows if this is not the reason you became a queen so the question is why didn't he speak in more convincing absolute terms i'm the leader of the sanhedrin i could tell you that this is the reason god wanted you to become the queen he doesn't say that he says me idea who knows which sounds like who knows yeah maybe yeah maybe not the shot is this is what he was telling her after everything said and done esther is wondering how do i fall in to such an insane environment and esther was like with her plans of building a beautiful jewish family and everything that a jewish girl dreams of how how ah she could a persian meshuggana go marduk i told you something very deep me idea there are things relationships journeys missions that you will not figure out through your conscious mathematical brain if you would go to a life coach esther and say what career should i choose he wouldn't tell you become a kashmirishi's queen it's not on that level it's me idea it's coming from a place that's deeper than daas this is a mission of god that he put you into this place and you're not going to be able to fulfill it if you think it's going to work out logically that triggered in esther that's when she met her own adelaide and from that moment she's a transformed person and she saves the jewish people single-handedly it's not even called mcgillis mordechai or mcgillis mordechai he was behind the scenes he motivated it's called mcgillis esther because it was her she did it so when the hammer had to say how do you celebrate put him what do they say if they go to a place that's beyond us that's what yaakov encountered here at this moment have a wonderful week oh thank you yeah let me just oh man sorry i just need to let you know my husband keeps me very young he blew the chauffeur really yes he did you didn't get it when he held it up on zoom to give you a little message oh wow yes but how did he hear this she was listening to the sheer and he heard you talking about the show and he ran over actually when i go to the hospital i play this year now i have a bunch of ladies who come to listen with me is a beautiful name if your name is leia don't feel bad from the sheer daughter thank you thank you for coming i came to muncie to see