Single Parenting During Coronavirus

the yeshiva dotnet somebody wrote to me an email he is a single parent and he writes to me rabbi Jacobsen how do you know about single parenting rabbi Jacobsen are you soon to give classes on how to start giving natural births and how to start giving how to start giving birth and this way or that way he says obviously not all be a mockery you're a man what do you know about giving birth stick to your subjects and this man was communicating with me how do you know about this like what gives you a right to talk about this and the truth is that he is right the prerequisite in every conversation about this topic is the need for me or people similar to me to acknowledge how little I know in terms of the experience of this and never ever can I put myself in somebody else's place if I'm not in their place I'll toe the nests are very fracture to heal and claim I never judge a person until you don't reach a space and as December says for the MacLean way alt idea you're not going to reach his place and that means there's always a need for humility I say this to you specifically for a reason I am sure throughout the year now after Corona before Corona on the telephone or any other way of communication people often will give you advice will share their feelings with you will share their insights or wisdom with you many of them have good intentions some of them Alaska how you doing and they'll expect a certain answer and very often many of them simply do not know what you're experiencing they may mean well but they simply don't have the experience they don't know what it is and because they don't know what it is they may say things that can be hurtful insensitive clueless baseless meaningless and it's important for you to understand that and to not to get flustered and angry and frustrated every time it happens it's almost like you have to smile inside and say okay here we go again I say this because it's important to acknowledge this and when you can prepare for it beforehand then you know that it's coming it's easier to deal with it so why am i speaking to you today the reason I speak to you today is as an individual who has the privilege of sharing with many Jews and many communities around the world the infinite depth and wisdom of Tara of the cities of Agartha of mahashiv ah of Jewish spirituality and Jewish wisdom and hearing from a lot of Jews their experiences their stories including from many single parents or children who grew up in such homes so I bring to you the wisdom that I have gleaned from many others for many students disciples constituents friends mentors who have shared with me about these experiences including of course the wisdom of Taria itself how it can apply to these situations but I know very well as all of us should know that there are certain things I like some of my colleagues who haven't had this experience will never understand and it's important for people who go through situations to acknowledge that and therefore to cut people slack and understand so much people make comments and yet they don't really know what they're talking about and you have to know who to turn to for advice people who get it people who can be real confidence people who can be real friends and people who are sensitive and empathetic to the experience of single parenting that's number one by way of introduction and now come to number two a single parenting is I don't have to tell this to the people gathered here has its unique challenges as arbegla just mentioned all parenting has unique challenges single parenting has an extra burden of profound challenges obviously this lecture which is not being given by a professional therapist and I know my extended family has a lot of therapists who help out children and parents single parents where their mother's or Father's do their sit in their situations as best as they can this is not to solve a problem but we're trying here is to help give perspective and meaning in situations which can be challenging in this sense I come to you as a friend to friends a brother to brother a brother to sisters I want to share with you a few perspective and a few insights number one it is critical it is so so important for a single parent to understand and acknowledge the challenge of the situation and that's why it's extremely important for a single parent to nurture themselves you have to take care of yourself because you need all the stamina and strength and energy in order to be able to navigate your life as successfully as serenely as happily as possible this is not luxury this is not self-indulgence this is not selfishness it's allowing your home to be as stable and as wholesome and as happy and as positive as possible it's so important that single moms single dads take care of themselves whether it's eating healthy sleeping well exercising nurturing your body nurturing your psyche nurturing your mind nurturing your physical self your emotional self and your spiritual self everybody knows what that means in their life if you don't know what it means you should find out what it means maybe it means making waking up early an extra half an hour and hours you have time for yourself to davon to learn to exercise to take a walk to meditate each person in their own way what it means for you but this is of vital importance when you treat yourself with dignity you give yourself the energy to be able to handle whatever comes during the day with more effectiveness and more efficiency don't see this as an extracurricular activity when your boy or your girl or your boys or girls are asleep and you'll have a moment for yourself then maybe we'll worry about it no you want you want to operate from a place of inner strength inner vitality and therefore taking care of your neshama and your goof is of critical critical importance you must do this this is a priority absolutely and figure out how to do it because everything changes when you're operating from a place of inner stamina vitality and health that's number one number two and here I want to speak for a moment about perspective and the way I'm going to present it is everybody knows the famous Gomorrah the Gomorrah says I'm a sexist shabbos look cooler Alma by Shabbos knitting the tire everyone holds that the turtle was given on shoppers which everybody holds yeah not everybody agrees on the day that the terror was given there's a huge argument BAC says it was on the 7th of seven come him say it wasn't the sixth of seven imagine we he we Jews argue about a lot including the day the terror was given but everyone else whatever they in the month it was we know what they in the week it was it was on Shabbos somehow this point is not subject to argument it's not put up for debate everybody agrees why is this so crucial that the day of sharpest is the day that the trader was given the answer to this I want to share with you a very powerful answer to this the definition of Shabbos is maneuver the definition of Shabbos is rest serenity tranquility Torah was given on Shabbos because the ultimate function of Tyria is to introduce Shabbos into a person's life seven days a week what is tranquillity what does serenity mean we sometimes look at serenity as a life that's stress-free anxiety-free I could just chill out and relax forever now no question we all enjoy moments where we can just relax and be comfortable we don't have stress on our mind and stress in our heart we don't have to run here and run there etc that is absolutely true however what is also true is that life often does not afford us that type of existence where there is with yours no stress and no responsibility and nothing bothering me and no duties and nothing feeling in my chest and not a bunch of things to take care of once in a while we have those moments and great we should cherish it but life doesn't afford us doesn't afford us all that and therefore what we really need is a different type of serenity I have to cultivate a serenity we're I learn that despite the vicissitudes of my life there is an inner core of relaxation that remains I'm connected to something internally very wholesome that despite the fact that there are ups and downs and fluctuations and life is a roller coaster nonetheless I have an inner serenity that comes from particular cause a particular force a particular source what is it it's the following knowledge it's the conviction and the awareness and I want you to try to internalize this in your life that I may be confronting a situation that is not easy but I am NOT a victim I am NOT a loser I am NOT a carbon sacrifice that was sacrificed on the altar of the world and I'm from the few unlucky miserable ones who has to deal with misery that idea which often comes into our mind is usually from the 8th Sahara from the negative inclination which tries to get me down and depressed and melancholy and full at full full of despair my attitude has to be yes I am in a situation where there are quite a few questions uncertainties challenges difficulties but I was sent here I was sent here by the creator of the world who sent my soul to this world with a unique mission and no two souls have the same mission and that's why no two people have the same life and my mission is to bring light into a particular place of the world which may be very dark and my mission is to bring light into that place now I may not understand why I was given that mission I may be often frustrated about the mission I may have been given a very difficult and painful mission emissaries soldiers are sometimes sent to difficult battlefields you can't compare a soldier standing on the border of two peaceful countries to a soldier that was sent in June 1944 to Normandy but the focus of the soldier is not to ask why is there such a battle and why were there casualties the focus of the soldier is I was sent here as a soldier and I have a mission to fulfill and I have the resources to fulfill the mission because if I wouldn't have had the resources I wouldn't have been sent on this machine we often compare our lives to other people it's a very common human trait but it's a very profound error never compare your life to another person you know why you don't have their sh licious you don't have their mission you don't have their soul you don't have their body you don't have their circumstances God doesn't want from you the same thing as a regular said before sucia has to be social you have your music to play and your unique light to bring to the world and as hard as it is to imagine every one of us all the circumstances of our lives our past and our present the homes we grew up in the type of parents we had the psychological and emotional and physical and social and financial and academic and spiritual challenges we have the difficult marriages that we had and the situation we're in that are neither here to break us and destroy us rather they are the circumstances which create the backdrop and the props where our souls mission in this world happens you might say rabbi why why please you don't know about my life let me tell you about my life and I say to you my dearest friends I don't know about your life and my heart goes out to every person who some taro struggles and I know some of you have do not have easy lots and none of you have easy lots everybody differently but I say to you it's your choice it's our choice it's everybody's choice to wake up in the morning and say one of two things option one is I'm a neighbor I'm a victim option two is I was sent on a mission yes my mission includes this situation raising these children or this child being in this moment in life and I turned to my creator and I say I will fulfill my mission to the best of my ability today hour by hour minute by minute day by day this doesn't mean you should not try to enhance your life we always try to make our lives easier more comfortable more manageable more successful of course we always try to do that when you're feeling not feeling good you want to feel better everybody should do that that's important but it means that those situations that I am given and I can't just go away from it or ignore to make believe it doesn't believe it doesn't exist I have to be able to have the inner fortitude of knowing that this is all part of my life's purpose and I shouldn't just sit and look at myself as a never face and just melt away in self-pity and self compassion as a person who was so deprived of all the joy in life so much of life has to do with attitudes it has to do with perspective so much of it we can look at life and lament the tragedies we can also look at life and say I was sent here to bring light into this situation I'm gonna contrast two situations to you my dearest friends other Mauritian was in granadan he had everything she um told him why'd you eat from the tree he said the wife you have given me is guilty coz I'll say can't offer vltava at this moment he represented the ultimate ungratefulness God gives him a spouse and he says she is to blame for all my problems she is the one who destroyed my life all he can do is blame his spouse for his mistake of eating from the tree sons familiar that's what our them does and God says but I gave you everything he says I know but my wife she ruined it for me is Shanna Sartre a muddy and he denied basically all the good that God has given him contrast that to somebody else there were Jews in the camps who would wake up in the morning and they would say brofist they would thank God for the ability to walk the ability to breathe the ability to move they had nothing but they found something to be thankful for you can be in paradise and be ungrateful others were in the purgatory and they found something to be grateful for most of us are not in paradise and thank God not in the death camps our lives are somewhere in between and so much of life has to do with my attitude what do I look at do I focus on that which I can be grateful for and accentuate it or do I focus on that which I could be miserable for and accentuate it and this doesn't mean there's nothing to be miserable for there is but the question is what do I want to live with how do I see myself here we come to the reason why Turner was given on Shabbos Toyota is the Shabbos of the world what's the purpose of Tyler what's the ultimate for is obtained it's not just a book of laws or history or rituals Toyota is much more than that Toyota is the compass the compass that allows a person to know and live with purpose every single moment Toyota teaches me that God is with me every single moment and that every detail of my life is part of a meaningful mission of my soul and therefore at every single moment I have the power and the resources to fulfill my mission in the best possible way and that's what I want to focus on and whatever situation comes up I ask not why my life is so miserable I ask a different question and that is what can I learn from this how do I grow from this what is my calling at this moment this creates not a life that's stress-free but it creates a life that's filled with positivity and purpose at every moment and that's what brings an inner satisfaction and joy not the joy that everything is dandy but the joy of knowing that I'm in the right place in the right time and I'm doing the right thing the joy of knowing that I am not surrendering to the spirit mediocrity but I am rising up to the challenge flexing my spiritual muscles and fulfilling the calling of our Shem from me at this moment as a single parent what is that calling at any moment that depends on the moment depends on the circumstances and the calling yesterday may not be the calling today trader is the ultimate Shabbos of existence a Jew who lives with failure is a jewel lives with an inner relationship with the divine means that despite the fact that my day could be very very chaotic especially in corona where were quarantined and there's no school and everything changed and if my economic situation was dire before corona now it may be more dire my kid may be bored maybe climbing the walls that may be tension in the house there's no two parents to help out thinks they're so difficult on the outside and yet is it possible for me to go to the vortex to the eye of the storm to the to the whirlwind you know to that essential I of the storm where it's calm that's the key of life that's the gift of Shabbos and it's the gift of law green light yellow light real Toyota is a relationship with the eye of the storm that inside in my deepest place there's a calmness there's a serenity there's a tranquility not because my life is perfect but because I have an inner resilience and an inner resolve and an inner courage and strength knowing that I'm not a victim I'm ash Leah of the rabona shillelagh who placed me here with all the resources I need to fulfill a particular mission here why me I don't know why here I don't know why these circumstances I don't know but I learned from you I see facade yes if Assad was thrown into a pit sold into slavery thrown into prison twelve years and when he emerged this prime minister of Egypt and he met his brothers 22 years later he said I'm not depressed I'm not angry I'm not furious I'm a happy person you know why you didn't sell me after my micarta my C kill'uh mithya slaw Hani le Kim lifted sham sent me he sent me in a very strange mission pit slavery prison prime minister of Egypt oMG as your kids write in their text messages oMG but a mission you didn't sell me I'm not a victim of your viciousness I'm not a victim of your maliciousness I'm not a victim of your cruelty you did what you gotta do and you gotta fix it you need you need your help I'm not a victim how much Lia she's loved them come I say I'm an ambassador of God I'm his representative in the world he sent me you know why he sent me he sent me to bring the life to the world because of me the entire country and all of the regions around Egypt the Fertile Crescent was saved from a devastating famine now I see why he sent me does everybody see it as clearly as Joseph afterwards no but Joseph saw it even before he can see the end of the story he appreciated that and the same is true in each one of our lives I can't control other people I can't control my circumstances I want to try to change my circumstances always you want to be as comfortable and as happy as you can but I could always choose to live in a place of inner wholesomeness or of outer chaos inner wholesomeness or outer chaos what's the change what's the difference it's how I wake up in the morning it's what I do in the morning it's what I'm connect with it's what I learn how I study it's my do I have a relationship with my soul with my inner inner inner soul do you know what that means it's so important they're a real relationship with God they have a relationship with real friends are you learning everyday material that can help you align yourself with this dimension of self that will make all the difference let's go to another point another few points I'm going to make you have to be able to have compassion for yourself self-pity is not the best strategy in life but to have compassion for yourself is important in other words lots of things come up lots of emotions come up don't judge them make space for them have compassion for them you've been through a lot you are going through a lot don't judge everything that's happening in you you have to treat yourself with tender love and care yeah you're not a victim you're a leader you're a powerful person you're a hero you're great human being but don't watch yourself don't feel you have to repress your emotions don't feel guilty for feeling guilty and for so many other things that people feel guilty for cut yourself some slack realize there are difficulties there are painful situations there are conflicting emotions it's fine have compassion number next next point next point is don't be afraid of of complimenting yourself and I'll tell you what I mean the most we say this the greatest reward for good parenting is of course results but sometimes we can't see results or we don't see results right away and it's very important to know that a major reward of good parenting is knowing that you did the right thing there's a parent that in itself is very very powerful ultimately I can control my child I could educate my child I can be there for my child I can try to help my child I can hold my child's hand I can discipline my child when appropriate I can be there with my child but I cannot live my child's life I can't my child has to live my child's life at the end of the day I have to be able to look in the mirror and say I was a good parent I did what I was supposed to do to the best of my ability and you have to remember your child is not your child so Shems child each one of our children is given to us as a picada as a gift as a diamond and we are given the responsibility and the privilege to polish the diamond to nurture the diamond to develop the diamond to refine the diamond so that the diamond can shine its brilliant dazzling light on the world but I can't be that diamond I can't live that diamonds life and you have to be able to look at yourself and say I'm behaving like a good parent that's very important because sometimes your child as he or she gets older might make choices and they're painful don't fall into the spear don't detach from your child don't run away to China emotionally I know you're not running to China now physically even though maybe pretty safe there but don't run away emotionally remain present and no he's a Shems child she's a gem child my job is not to be my child not to live my child's life my job is to try to be the best parent that can be and that's rewarding which brings me to the next point our children have lots of emotions all children have lots of emotions certainly a child growing up with a single parent there's a lot of emotions those emotions have to be allowed to be expressed I can't cut somebody's emotions I can't tell you you can't feel like this you can't have an attitude like this you know I was once dealing with a parent their teenage child was having this attitude as we say and the father was saying you know why does he have this attitude and the mother said something very powerful you can't judge people's attitudes if I'm having an emotional I mean an emotion you can help people discipline their behavior you may be feeling pain inside that this is how you behave this is how you speak this is how you don't bathe this is how you don't speak we have to give place for people's emotions don't be terrified from people's attitudes and people's emotions it's just an expression of what they're feeling it's not a judgment of you sometimes we have this intolerance to other people's emotions and we have to stifle them don't it's just about their experience of life imagine a friend of yours calls you and tells you about her feelings you don't feel the need to tell her oh why you're having this feeling you can empathize with it because you're not blaming yourself but sometimes when it's somebody close and our family we blame ourselves and therefore we feel the need to knock it down to crushed and to repress it but we really don't have to do that and the more you could become comfortable with your own emotions you can be comfortable with your child's emotions but if we were told as children maybe that we're not going to have emotions so then maybe it's hard for us to tolerate and see and experience and appreciate emotions and other people don't be afraid not of your own emotions and not of your children's emotions and this is such a powerful lesson in life there is no emotion within yourself that you ever have to be afraid of it may be a difficult emotion it may be an emotion that triggers a lot of trauma you don't have to be afraid of any emotion inside of you you are bigger than all of your emotions you can contain your emotions and if we don't have to be afraid of an emotion of your child which brings me to the next point and that is sometimes our children create challenges for us that are very profound never ever run away from your child never detach emotionally there may be scars that may be disappointments but don't stop loving that child that child needs you more not less despite the pain despite the difficulty remain connected to each of your children I know sometimes it's hard there's a voice in me or a voice in you that says I can't deal with this kid anymore I can deal with her I can't deal with them let me go to my bedroom lock the door do whatever you want that's a normal voice it's a normal emotion but now is the time where you have to ask yourself what is my innermost value to be close to this child afar from this child the reason you are in so much pain is because you want to be so close to this child so don't allow this voice that is telling you to detach because of the pain to control your life will you actually detach from the child listen to the voice watching and remember that it's just telling you and making you aware of how deeply you want this relationship and how disappointing it is and therefore the solution is not to actually run away and detach the solution is to be able to take a deep breath maybe you need some time alone but do not say things or do things that will sever the cord between you and your child that is a no-no don't allow the pain to cause you to separate from your child which brings me to another point and that is and I know it's said and said again but I'm gonna say it again all of you have deep pain life has not been rosy the divorce may have been difficult your ex may still be making problems even if not there are difficult memories there are difficult situations it's not easy to raise a child alone you may be angry you may be angry at yourself at your ex at your old mother form a mother and where your former father and what former brothers and more sisters-in-law you may be angry at the rabbi at the community at the best them at the Rabbids in at the therapists at the other therapists you may be angry at certain children who made certain choices to be close to their mother to be close to their father to go there for pay stuff to go here for pace you may be angry at the creator of the world you may be very angry at yourself it's important to be aware of all this it's important to talk about it with the right people it's important to figure out what is going on in your life but it's also important not to allow these scars and wounds to dictate your daily choices don't make choices based on your inner pain that you're trying to somehow avoid or distract or eliminate by making these choices which may be detrimental to what you really really really want we have all see in the situations where we use our children as missiles in our animus 'ti towards our ex but that's not what a parent really wants the last thing I really want is that that nine year old boy or a twelve year old girl should be employed as a missile against my ex that's the last thing I want the last thing I want is that my daily decisions should be defined by my inner negativity and animosity of course that negativity is then that Hamas City is there and done we can't judge it and we have to work with it and see what it's about and see how we can help it but you want to make sure that your choices our choices are made from your innermost authenticity your innermost values your innermost purity or the part of you that is divine and infinite and invincible and indestructible and confident not from the part of you that is traumatized that is insecure that is filled with toxicity that is filled with animosity and we but we all have both parts and they're both parts of our life and we don't have to be scared of any part of it but we have to be able to make choices every day how we're going to live finally don't be afraid of being fully present in your child's life in terms of love and in terms of discipline sometimes the best thing I can do for my child is say no many of us are afraid of discipline because we have seen it in toxic horrible ways and we run away to the other extreme but we should have run away to the other extreme because just like children who grow up without love are deprived of the most important quality in a home children will grow up without any discipline are also deprived of a very important quality in home give you a very simple example I once lend them in amusement either to an amusement park with one of my children and we went on this very scary roller coaster that goes upside down like I don't know many times and I was I was frightened okay so like a good Jew you know what I do right we sit down on the roller coaster and I put on my seatbelt and what am I thinking you may know what I'm thinking right it's for sure not closed well and when we go upside down it's gonna open up and you know what happens next so what am i doing I'm holding the seatbelt right trying to see them make sure to see if it's broken and I'm like separating the seatbelt both both parts both sides from each other hardest I can poor seatbelt if it wasn't broken I was gonna break it until finally the person who's coming by each seat each row in the roller coaster check and I'm of course certain that he's gonna skip me because Mazel or Murphy's Law and then he finally stops and I asked him to scrutinize and investigate and do several serious and sever but it is to make sure that my seatbelt is fastened tightly and then I can begin the journey on the roller coaster still frightened but at least knowing that my seatbelt is holding me tightly now if you watched me from afar what am i doing I'm trying to get rid of the seatbelt right I'm pulling out the seatbelt unlocking it anybody would say this guy wants the seatbelt not to hold him he wants to be free the truth is the opposite I'm doing it just to make sure that it's really really good the same is true with children they're often challenging every seatbelt and you know why they really want to know that there is a solid parent there and don't be insecure when you are disciplining from a place of love and wholesomeness and knowing what is good for the child you be secure don't get flustered by that child opening the seatbelt and saying no I want to get out of this I want to be free none of you just trying to test it now as always you have to know the circumstances in the situation is this discipline sound is it what the child needs is it coming from a place of inner wholesomeness is this good for the child is the child in a situation where he or she is so broken and so I don't want to say messed up but in such a difficult situation when you need a completely different model that's possible that's possible and you have to know every situation individually but I'm speaking from a general perspective a healthy home has tons of love and the healthy home also has good structure and good discipline and you have no reason to be embarrassed and to be ashamed and to be flustered again it's not always easy because you have circumstances that are not simple one parent here one parent there different personalities different messages and that is part of the challenge but don't be afraid to create an environment of a solid foundation that your child could walk on and know that the floor here is not wobbly and shaky my dearest friends dear brothers and sisters these are some thoughts I wanted to share with you and just conclude with this last thought as we go to questions and that is unique to this time of the corona virus with a corona keeping us quarantined already for two months more than two months there are a lot of challenges boredom anxiety fear tragedy illness no school or different types of schools arguments between the parents who are divorced and it's important to acknowledge all of us but I want to add one more perspective and that's this like I said before there are no circumstances in life that are just a a mistake excuse me it's all part of a mission God wanted each and every one of us quarantined in our homes for two months to be able to click restart in our life to be able to retreat back to our essence and press restart to be able to figure out our priorities to be able to spend more time with our family without distractions to be able to face our adversity our struggles our dilemmas with more clarity let's face it there was nowhere to run I couldn't escape here escape there some of us were compelled to remain with the same child or children for a very long time in the house which makes it so much more difficult but it also gives us an opportunity to identify what is going on to identify the struggles to identify the disagreements to identify the anxiety that I'm having to look for the reasons of those ins of those two for the reason of that anxiety to be able to really tune in to the foundations of our relationships or relationships with ourselves our relationships with our loved ones or relationships of course with our children our relationships of course with Hashem our relationships with anybody in our life let's seize this opportunity I know it was not easy and it's not easy but let's still seize the opportunity because whatever is not easy whatever challenges us is always an opportunity to discover a deeper self sometimes we turn to God and we say can't you just get rid of these circumstances in my life just change them and we fail to realize that those circumstances will put there to change us to change me that's humbling it's not easy for me to change I don't want to change there is resistance but I should rise up to the challenge because when I do have the courage to change me I'll become not only a happier person and not only a broader person and not only a more loving an accepting person and not only a more serene person but most importantly I'm going to become the best version of myself I'm going to become the person God wants me to be the person who I Shemin imagined in his mind when he created my soul and your soul who is that person that's the person I'm gonna become for this I have to be open to mystery I have to be open to growth after be open to challenge I have to be open to inquisitiveness and have to be open to the possibilities and opportunities to go out of my zone and remember that that which really challenges me in a deep place and I'm like oh get me out of this situation my heart is filled with butterflies and anxiety if I could stay there and I could tune in and I can open myself up to the opportunity maybe it's here and right here where you and I will be reborn and we'll be able to become the people that we're supposed to become and I bless you my dearest friends that you and I on all of us seize the moment carpe diem seize the day and really utilize this challenging time of quarantine hopefully coming to the end of it soon who knows to really become the best version of ourselves thank you very very much my dear friends and I'm gonna go to questions as I said you can put them on chat or if you want you can also ask your questions on the UC Lynette by yeshiva dotnet you can go to the first video by extend my extended family extended family you'll see the video and you have their ask the question so those of you are on zoom' you could put your questions in chat those of you who are on the web you can go to the yeshiva dotnet you'll see the first video is about single parenting there in corona and you can ask your question there I'm gonna try to go through all of the questions I'm first gonna take the questions that were sent earlier before the lecture then I'm gonna take the questions that are coming in right now I see our chat has quite a few questions there's also questions on the issue with net so I'm gonna try but is there a sure to go to as many questions as I can let me go to to the first questions that came in earlier my friends okay here we go I'm not going I'm gonna try to be brief to the best of my ability so that we could cover as many questions as we can how can I help my kids who was an only child and is feeling really alone Wow it's a great great question and I want to answer it on two levels okay first of all first of all there might be elements here that deserve the good guidance of a therapist and this is not sure about your questions true about all the questions that are coming in I am sure there may be elements that warrant guidance from a good professional top therapists and I know that my extended family the organization which brought us all together one of its invaluable services to help families with single parents to find good and appropriate therapists for parents or children or both of them in order to navigate different situations and I do suggest to try to seize that opportunity if necessary to be able to find somebody I remember with a therapist a secre should that it doesn't have to work some therapists are brilliant some therapists are fine some therapists are not so good you have to make sure it's working if the therapist is not helping you in your life it's time to move on you know be an educated consumer so that's the first thing I want to mention now in terms of the question itself I want to speak about it from a moment from a general point of view and therefore most specific when you're from a general point of view how can I help my kid who's an only child really feeling alone the question I want to ask you is are you also feeling alone you may be also feeling alone how do you help yourself feel alone when you feel alone are you helping yourself feel alone may you're very often our children are projecting something they're feeling from their parents consciously or unconsciously maybe unconsciously but are you feeling alone and how do you deal with it and my suggestion would be look into yourself because if you have a method to deal with it you can probably communicate that to your child age-appropriate and perhaps the deepest way of confronting loneliness is by realizing that I am NOT a victim of random mistakes or malicious mistakes of other people or of my own rather I am the light of in this world that every single moment have an opportunity to radiate that light and when you realize that you know that you're not alone you're together with a shipment every single moment and you're given all the resources you need and the same is true with our children every child has the resources he or she needs to be able to turn their life into a success story according to their circumstances so try to work on your aloneness and maybe you can speak about this with your child now from a more technical and practical in at a latarian point of view let's also think about creative things maybe it's a good time for your child to learn a musical instrument maybe it's a good time for your child to master some books that he's never had a chance to read maybe he has a great interest in history maybe he wants to experiment with art maybe he could have an opportunity to make a look of rusev through the telephone or through zoom or whatever method it is and enhances learning or enhances knowledge maybe he could communicate with other family members more often maybe some friends let's try to be as creative as possible maybe an exercise routine with mommy or Tati can you please address the following question coping is a single parent of one child age 8 in our new normal I am the sole provider financially my ex isn't in the picture I'm no longer just now mom and dad to my son I'm now his only playmate teacher my job became more demanding during these times even though I'm working for home it's just the two of us 24 hours a day 7 days a week and it's getting harder and harder yeah yeah yeah Wow this is very difficult and what I could say to you is don't look for comfort and success look for meaning every day meaning meaning pun intended when you wake up in the morning don't ask yourself how I can turn my life into the most comfortable successful story ask yourself a different question what is the mission that I Shem wants from me today and let me try to fulfill that mission one day at a time what is my mission what does how can I be the best I don't know if it's mom or dad in the dimension but let's say mom how can I be the best mom possible today what's my machine ok I'm a mom I'm a playmate I'm a teacher I'm a friend we're gonna play together we're gonna have fun together I also have a job don't put the burden of figuring out everything on your head it's too much for you remember you're a soldier - somebody sent you you're in his army he's the commander-in-chief tell the commander in chief you sent me here I know this is a difficult front this is a difficult battle you gave me the resources God gave you all the resources now help me fulfill my mission today live in the present moment and it will become I think much easier and you will even find that perhaps fulfilling in order to do this you have to spend some time with yourself in the morning before your child wakes up to connect to your deepest soul to your identity as an ambassador of the divine in order to be able to navigate this I have a special needs kid who hasn't seen his father since the pandemic started every time I text my ex that are someone's to see him and go for Shabbos my ex either ignores the message or uses Coronas an excuse not to see it how do I explain to my younger child why his father won't take him for Shabbos again without making his father look bad bara Hashem is healthy and covert 19 has not affected him I don't know about the relationship between him and your ex and the level of communication between you and your ex and I don't know exactly what your ex is thinking you say he's ignoring all the messages or using Corona as an excuse but perhaps you can explain to your child what your what his father is saying I don't think you're the one who has to investigate the motives of the father you could say the father is saying that the cause of Corona may be he's very scared to be exposed to anybody maybe he just wants to be quarantined maybe he's afraid that he has it and he could shed it and he can give it to you you know you could say that maybe so you could just you could just quote the father maybe he's maybe he's having a pat maybe it's difficult time for him maybe he's just you know in a difficult state maybe some friends of his has suffered and he's not taking it easily and he's just going through a difficult time I mean that's it what it seems this man is telling you it is a very difficult situation it is a very difficult situation and I think it's so important to tell your son that you know whatever he needs you're here for him and let's just make it the best situation possible now another question is what his father is thinking why he really doesn't want to see this song I don't know how to respond to that I don't know is there somebody who can have some influence on him what is really going on why doesn't he want to meet up his son even for a Shabbos what what is going on but I don't know the answer to that one of my boys went to the X at the beginning of the pandemic my ex coerced him into it and since then my ex doesn't allow to come back home how do I cope with this tremendous longing to see my son and have him come home whoa oh my god I don't know you see the two questions one mother is asking why can't I send my son to the X so he could be with his father for Shabbos another one is how do I get him home from the X I don't know is during agreement is he violating an agreement here why wouldn't he let you some come home are we dealing with a normal responsible person is he a mensch I can't I can't estimate enough I can't state enough overstate how important the answer to this question is I mean if his father is a basic mensch what is the agreement why is he keeping them home all this time I mean what is he what is he worried about how do I you say how do I cope with this tremendous longing to see my son and have him come home I don't know what why is he not coming home I mean if the father is really just behaving in a very inappropriate way then you know I can express my deepest empathy but we could never change another person we can only change ourselves and change our attitudes and and pray to God and you know try to live in a wholesome and positive world but my question is you didn't mention that so is there a way of conveying to him that you really want to see your child and it's important to go back to the basic agreement and if he's worried about a medical situation so you could consult confident and professional doctors who are experts in this I mean that's what should be done if this guy is just manipulating the situation and he's trying to take revenge and doesn't want to share his son anymore then you need a different type of advice then you need the advice of professionals how do you go about celebrating a child's barabar Smith so during this time when one parent does not acknowledge the prime caregiver as the other parent using kovat as a good excuse to exclude from participating in the somehow and the answer to this is I think very much in a similar vein it's a difficult challenge and it's a difficult time and we have to be there with our children and tell them that their Bar Mitzvah is I thought that was my Mitzvah you know the Mishna says in Sanhedrin 37 that Adam was born as a single individual was just him and covered together nobody else they were like Siamese twins to teach us that one person is the whole world you save a person you saved the world and the value of one person is the value of the world you know other was my mitzvah was alone there was nobody else at the Bar Mitzvah it was him and he was the world and I think every child was having a bar bottom it's master know that today you know the bar mitzvah yeah we like friends and company and all that but it's really about you it's you and you are the world and and the most important person at the bar mitzvahs you and I shall because for you the world was created how do you handle a boy h14 who's angry with God because of all the corona restrictions example no school no socializing no family etc great great question the question I want to now ask you is are you also angry about this how are you dealing with your anger or are you not angry you at peace and the answer to that is I don't know but what I would encourage you is try to look into yourself because if you can find the answer within yourself you'll probably be able to exude that energy to your child as well now having anger is a very normal emotion we get angry it's a difficult time that's fun you don't have to be afraid of your boys anger what you want to be able to do is try to communicate with your child your own inner emotions your own inner core just by being you by being open and authentic about you and I think that can have a tremendous impact on your child maybe would also be good for your child to talk to somebody maybe your child wants to speak to a rabbi or to a therapist or to somebody who can help should you force or can you force your teenager to attend the Xoom classes you can't really force I don't think you should force a teenager to do anything but you could strongly strongly encourage encourage and talk about the importance and maybe it's important to create some incentives and try to figure out what's bothering him and create alternatives it is extremely important not to back off to encourage to understand what's going on to try to repair the situation the word force I don't know if it's if it's worthwhile to force a teenager push encourage explain persuade and remove obstacles eliminate difficulties yes absolutely the word force I would just be very cautious with I lost my young husband two years ago not only am I along with my young children but I'm going through this insanity of Korona also the cause of the many years he fought for his life in and out of hospitals all the illness and passing of people we know is so difficult husband died two years ago in his early 40s I have several young kids he was fighting his illness for years a lot of procedures a lot of in and out of hospitals this makes all the trauma of people suffering and passing doubly traumatic for me and my children we're constantly driving the traumas and the pain and our hearts are so broken for all their loved ones yeah it's terrible it's very very difficult very very difficult Wow so this faucet what should I tell you it's not simple it's not simple and only thing I could say is you know if I could that I could never be here for your and you and your family I would love to be here for you and your family and I'm so so sorry and it's just important to remember that there's a lot a lot of pain in the world and we really don't understand God's ways at all I don't think we could understand I don't think we have to understand but it's small so important to be able to tell yourself and tell your children that each of them has unbelievable inner resources to be able to overcome challenges and to be able to build a beautiful future for themselves and that they are simply they simply must be aware and cognizant of who they are they're not just you know neba orphans floating around on this planet trying to find some comfort but they are really ambassadors of the rebo initial or them in this world and as his ambassadors ash leah has the properties of the one who sends him so at their core they're invincible they're indestructible they're full of joy and confidence and power and they are ambassadors of Wow of love and of light and of hope and of healing and of redemption let me go to the next questions well a lot of questions okay I would like to point out to all speakers who work with families individuals when you give examples it can be very often surprising revealing and unconfident shal to ever recognizes themselves or others in the stories that's absolutely true and that's why I know when I share a story I make sure either to get permission from the person who told me the story or to camouflage many of the details you can turn off the chime when pushing the three dots on the button of the participant list evolve it we need some people like you to teach us clueless rabbis how to navigate wow you're the first Rev to be so honest into over ten years that I have been an economist my daughter on my own I'm impressed okay tell my mother-in-law wish some rabbis some rub in the united kingdom would be like this i don't know what you mean what was i honest about then over 10 years you haven't see it i would love to know what you mean more specifically he's a very smart man and says the truth not what people want to hear but what is needed to hear thank you thank you for the compliment how do I deal with the blame and guilt feelings okay here's the deal blame and guilt feelings usually come from the eight sir Hara what do they do to us they make us feel that we're incompetent incapable horrible people sinners and God is gonna punish us these voices are usually not coming from the a to tear the coming from the it's our no guilt and blame feelings should be tolerated as more than a fleeting thought and feeling in your body don't take them seriously the only type of guilt that is permissible is guilt that brings to a productive change and out for example I said something to my child yesterday and it was the wrong thing I was angry I lost myself I'm feeling horrible okay how do I know if it's the a chat over the it so they it's a table sick go apologize go talk to her I said something to my mother that was inappropriate I said something to my brother said something to my sister said something to this one Co apologized call up and say I'm so sorry I made a mistake it was a weak moment do you forgive me and you know what and you move on that's healthy guilt that's guilt that brings to mending this situation but the guilt and blame that's just about the look look at me look at me such a sick person a lot of a miserable mother I did everything wrong I know nothing nothing nothing why am i apparent why did I ever get married why was that born this is coming from the 8th Sahara and by the way it doesn't question you with questions God because God is the one who put you in this world God is the one who put you through a lot of circumstances so these questions of blame and guilt not only are they not productive but they undermine the entire situation you have something to fix fix it do it differently tomorrow learn from your mistakes that's the guilt that is Jewish you want to know they killed that's not Jewish guilt that just tells me that I'm incapable and I'm a loser and I should be miserable next question what should I do if you're getting what do you do if you're getting totally depressed from doing nothing all day maybe you want to switch with me for one day you're getting the press from doing nothing all day so don't do nothing all day why don't you listen to my Shir who said you should do nothing all day I would also get the press from doing nothing all day a person is not made to do nothing all day you should do something at least during the day exercise learn something read a book expand your resources in something educate yourself in a new way if there's a certain rabbi or a person who you love why don't you listen to a class a day maybe on the treadmill it'll enhance your knowledge I'll inspire your soul I agree you shouldn't be doing nothing all day let's go to the next question this is my first time to join the Jewish community on live you must be happy because you're in the USA I'm alone in Kurdistan having no friends struggling how to do this alone strengthen your community and be grateful for what you have there and good luck my friend in Kurdistan Thank You rabbi why why you can give advice and physic on a topic in which you don't have personal experience if you have wisdom and heart you have both I nurture myself I listen to my children I validate their feelings I discipline inappropriate behaviors let's save it for this mom I not sure myself I listen to my children I validate their feelings I discipline inappropriate behavior rather I'm living in England I'm about to ver I look like a Hamish er person I live miles away from close family I have one daughter aged 17 I've had almost zero support since being alone for almost 10 years I would love a break in all this time I went away once for a simcha overnight she was emotionally abused by 2's Kernan one close friend now while social distancing is getting very hard it's also very hard as she's been home all year since ello she's the only girl she's the only girl here her age not accepted into seminary due to might see shame her from previous teachers or people who don't really know her situation taboo this her father is physically here but as major health issues medically emotionally and mentally she can't see him at all at the moment he's not doing social distancing he never did he eats out every shoppers by anybody any advice frankly this is above my pay grade this seems like a very complicated situation and I think it's important for you to have a real top expert who's an expert in this field to be able to consult once a week twice a week maybe in the beginning three times a week maybe turn to my extended family Rob I've Ziggler and his amazing organisation for help if you need that or other people and I think you need an overall plan to be able to help handle the situation first of all to get the help that you need from the stress and anxiety and to get the help that your daughter needs what can I do don't be afraid to seek help from real experts and remember remember everybody there are real experts and there are pseudo experts you have to be an informed consumer yeah don't us listen blindly to what somebody says if it doesn't resonate if it doesn't resonate challenge it because very often we need advice but if you're a healthy person sometimes you know things that other people no as a mother as a father so this be sensitive don't just follow blindly somebody's advice because they may be wrong people are not God even rabbis and therapists what can what can you do if when you need the me time or when you aren't feeling well is exactly when the child intentionally acts out making it impossible to care for yourself it's a great great question so this is the situation sometimes it's an emergency that's an exception you were planning to take a nap and suddenly a child acts out and then you could tell yourself you know let me define what my priorities at this moment that make the right choice if it's a pattern then you have to figure something out which means if every time you're making time for me he suddenly acts out there's something off here maybe he needs to be explained or she has to be explained mommy needs strength mommy needs energy for mommy to make dinner for mommy to play Monopoly with you for mommy to do homework of a mommy to play chess or for mommy to order this an Amazon or for mommy to to work on math or on spelling or on homage our mission is mommy or whatever it whatever else you're doing mommy needs this energy so if it happens once in a while yeah this happens and then you have to see you know if you have crisis and you could suspend your nap for an hour delay or not for an hour great if it's happening continuously we have to get to the bottom of it i nurture myself I listen to my children and I validate their feelings I discipline I've been a single parent of a large family can I in order for quite a number of years my kids are from lower elementary through few years into base matters I've worked very hard on myself I came a long way every morning I started with connecting to my inner self with the intention to be the best version of myself today regardless of my children's reactions often a few hours it's another picture I'm just worn so thin the kids have so many unique individual and conflicting needs I'm on all the time often pulled in multiple directions at once how do I feel like a soldier with a mission sometimes I don't find that I'm equipped I know it's not for me to live my child's life but I want to provide them a home conducive to health and growth what about when children make that impossible for their children wow that's a good question that is a very good question and the answer I would tell you is when you feel worn out that you can't function anymore you have to take a break you have to tell your children I love you I want to be here for you mommy needs now 45 minutes for a nap and put it into the schedule maybe you need a little more sleep at night maybe you need a little more exercise maybe you need a little more self nurture it's very important to listen to your body when your body is revolting it means your body needs attention doesn't mean you're selfish the soldier is somebody who's equipped equipped means Hashem gives you the resources to be who you are and to do the best job but he also tells you you need to take care of those resources when you're completely spent worn out you must listen to your body don't be a martyr and a victim because it's ultimately gonna come back to bite you and to bite your children it's not worth it you're not doing anybody a favor so it's important to be able to say Atkin these are my boundaries now I need to go to bed I need to take a walk I need to take a run I need to go swimming after Corona I need to go exercise in the gym I need to go to a Pilates class I need to do some yoga I need to go to get some aromatherapy I need to do some stretches I need to go to the forest I need to write a journal I need a dance to music I need to spend some time davon Igor learning or meditating or taking a walk or I just need to sleep the best exercise all right for Jewish mommies I need a nap and and and and embrace it embrace it don't feel guilty about it because if your parents have a sick dysfunctional exhausted spent frustrated mother nobody is gonna be helped nobody's gonna be helped and remember you can do what you can do you can do what you and ooh be the parent that you can be that is the purpose the purposes I could tell myself I'm being a good conscientious present authentic honest parent who's working on myself and not just blaming everything on my kids and on my ex that yet but after that I'm not Superman you're not superwoman in a way I'm thankful for Corona my daughter is like all her classmates stuck at home bara Hashem for Clow cos I'm sue she has sheared him almost every day pre Corona she had no serum thank God my ex lives 3 hours away is now moving to my area she's not married or engaged and is moving in with him very soon it hurts me for my 7 & 8 year old to see this so against my house cover and how do I deal with the fact that she will now be in my town which causes so much anger and she's moving in with a boy now against Helena okay what happened so often is that when there is a divorce one of the parties often leaves some parts of Yiddish right sometimes it's the woman sometimes it's the man very often it's men but sometimes it's the other gender as well we're in the pain in the need to disassociate they throw out a lot of halakhah and i think i think it's important to have a respectful conversation with our children age-appropriate age-appropriate means that every age is different and ultimately we have to realize the truth I cannot change my ex I cannot live for my ex I cannot make decisions for my ex but I can be the most powerful amazing parent I can be your children have a challenge it's not your fault Hashem gave them a challenge Patti is our live feed mommy chose a different path these two kids seven and eight are gonna see this let's hope your ex makes future changes in her life she matures she Sobers up she deals with her own pain and she realizes that there's a reason Allah who doesn't want single men and women in the same room without marriage not only because of some spiritual mystical reason but freshened for practical reasons because when you create a relationship that is sensitive to boundaries and modesty it has much more chances for longevity but that's a separate sheet as a second subject and it's important to explain to our children that sometimes there are other parents you know they do certain things and ultimately they're gonna have to choose and it's very very painful it's so painful you know I could cry when I say this but what you can do is you can give them a solid foundation and a loving loving loving home that they should always want to gravitate to your house and daven to wash them that their nationís will read them lead them in the right direction and and make the right choices when the time comes I would also suggest since this is not my expertise reach out to my extended family there's probably some excellent therapists who can help people deal with explaining 7 and 8 year old children an ex who left the path of Judaism and how to deal with it I'm sure there's a lot of research on this and a lot of experimentation on this find out because there may be some wise and instructive ideas how can I be in touch with you I would really appreciate to speak to you privately speaking is difficult that you can email me with any questions privately rabbi why why at the yeshiva dotnet rabbi why why at the yeshiva dotnet I'm the only adult in my home as a single parent doing all the things and wearing all the hats every other weekend I'm the only person in my home from the beginning of pace that I was alone for three straight days even digitally Yom Tov I still have to go out to work and at work we are all distant socially despite being a pretty committed introvert and generally okay being on my own it's hard not to get a comforting hug or have any handheld I hug my kids but I won't dump my emotional needs on them also I'm blessed and grateful that we're all healthy no one in our family has been severely ill or worse I still get a paycheck all of us in our homes to like each other more or less I feel like I can't even really express our heart everything has been from me to others because I've seen so much worse going on for so many I do have a therapist but sharing with her is not the same as feeling a connection with a friend etc I got it you know I think we all have to give each other virtual hugs these days you have been many many days alone without digital connections and it's hard it's hard it's hard and I hope and I pray that you have at least one or two or three or good friends that you can you could just share with whether it's a parent or a sibling or a old classmate or just a friend that you have met or maybe another single mom or or dad I don't know who you are that you could connect with maybe the groups of my extended family you can also meet people but it's so important to have relationships and people that you could just connect with as a friend and the times that you're alone are hard but I'll go back to what I said before it's so important to recognize that when you're alone you can find yourself in unbelievable powerful ways I know that some of you probably did you read my article it was going around all over the place about the lubavitcher rebbe is say there on the night of pacer you remember right you saw that went around the red they're doing a seder alone if not if you email me I'd like to send you that article I think it can really help you because it taught me an unbelievable lesson in life every Jew that I know has a seder with other people I'm not talking about this year every Jew has someone of the world was Seder and then one person who had millions of admirers and disciples and was responsible to make more Saddam in the world than anyone maybe in history did ascender himself without a single soul and it broke my heart as a barker and then a few years ago when a single mom told me about her quarantine say there I had a flashback and I said the Lubavitcher ever was teaching people how to be alone teaching people how even when you're alone you're still with Hashem and even when you're alone never ever lose your dignity but it's still hard okay next I love that line if it doesn't resonate challenge it yes I also love it that's where I said it what are the psychological implications on children whose mother abandoned them during the pandemic how does one approach children about this the children generally live with her but she left them by me their father without even reaching out and they have not been in touch with her for a very very long time Wow I don't know my question I have a few questions first of all is she is she a responsible mother it seems like she's a normal responsible mother so is she sick has her solemn is just something else going on can the children understand what is happening why doesn't she want to see the children is it a doctor's order is there a crisis has she been dealing with a very difficult situation the children should be explained what's going on if neba she's suffering from another issue and she is behaving in an irresponsible where there's a mental challenge aren't there then it's a whole other issue and that has to be brought up with a cop professional expert if there is the mental illness or or a breakdown or something else but I don't know the details i as an ague know for many years with no end in sight how do I continue to explain to my children this is what our wonderful Arshin wants for me and us it's very hard for them to understand you know I live in Muncie and right near me literally right near me lives in a goona for more than 10 years more than ten years her husband Hotspur remarried a second woman with a hat to Mayor a Barnum you know he got one of these permission slips and she's here with children she lives right near me we're very close friends now we don't eat together because of Corona but wherever her clothes I live here and show you I'm speaking to you from my house and she lives a few yards away across the street and I look at her children and her and they're amazing emember I I sometimes walk with my wife down the block and we meet her and we just look at each other and say she's just an amazing person and all I can say to you is I am flabbergasted distraught furious angry extremely upset and hurt by by husbands and by people people who utilize vulnerable situations to manipulate other people and to behave in a cruel barbaric and sadistic way including but not limited to by avoiding giving a get sometimes the abuse comes from men sometimes abuse comes from women I don't know the details of the story I don't know the details of many stories but I am it makes my blood boil when people who are supposed to represent Judaism and tire and they may go to show three times a day and yet everything they do is in defiance of everything that Judaism stands for and they embody and represent the greatest violation and desecration of Judaism of God of Torah of goodness of kindness and compassion and I have no words my heart goes out for you for this situation and I have no word but will I will what I will say to you is I have no way of explaining God's plan trust me I am NOT from those people who understand God's plan but what I will I will tell you is I will not agree to a statement that you are Hospital I'm a loser and a victim now it seems like you are a victim and I still want to believe with every fiber of my being that at the core of your soul you have unbelievable strength and unbelievable resources I don't know why God put you in this situation I don't know why you had to bring in light into this darkness what I will refuse to believe is that you are just kalila a loser and your life is considered one big chaotic helpless mess I just that that notion is just I don't know I'm allergic to that notion with every fiber of my being I simply does not resonate with me it resonates with me that God is suffering with you you are a divine ambassador you're a piece of Hashem in this world and are shem is working something through in a very deep dark place through you and when you wake up in the morning ask yourself and turn Tosha and ask your soul what is my mission today and I'm going to fulfill it to the best of my ability and tell your children that list the resilience they have is incredible and I'm gonna suggest one thing one thing I hope and pray that this madness is over soon that you get your get so you could move on in your life but I want to tell you when your children one thing when this madness is over there will be nobody in the world who will be able to empathize with people who are going through difficult situations like you and your children and you will become the greatest ambassadors and spokeswoman our men for justice that's what I see I see in you and your children leaders who might change the world by knowing like nobody else the pain of what you're going through is just a justification no is this a rationalization no does it make me understand why no it does not and my heart goes I don't know I could be here for you or your children in any way I will be and I'm giving you my email again rabbi why why at the yeshiva dotnet however I do want to say to you that it's important to seek all help that you can get from any possible source don't be embarrassed and it's important for you to always remember [Music] that at your core no ruthless sick man who is behaving like a cruel animal has the power to destroy your light I refuse to believe that how do I deal with the fact that my ex living with a guy unmarried is moving to my town I will be bumping into her I move them I'm happily married I don't want her to interfere okay listen you're not gonna be meeting her every day if you happen to walk by on the street and she's there there's nothing wrong with giving a nod but you're not moving into the same house you're not eating Shabbos together you're happily married you have to have the right boundaries and maybe she's not gonna interfere why do you think she's gonna do it just because she's living in the neighborhood of course you have to have a considerable agreement AAA a normal a civil agreement how to deal with the city I don't know what your agreement is but maybe she won't interfere if she's busy with this new guy she may leave you alone so I wouldn't worry about that if you need to make more boundaries you'll make more boundaries I'm noticing that my very sensitive son is embodying a depressive state due to lack of live human social contact he's disengaged from both spiritual practice and these awful passive listening classes I would love to hear any ideas you might have I'm the only parent at this time I'm feeling overwhelmed by inability to work and feel connected to my community during these times thank you for your wisdom and your generous spirit much esteem and many blessing okay the answer to your question is it's extremely extremely important for your child to be engaged with people can he have zoom chats can he speak to people by telephone by FaceTime friends family cousins relatives reach out maybe you can get a Caruso maybe unofficially I don't know the situation may unofficially you could pay somebody a couple of dollars to learn with them to play with them to do something with him on the phone on zoom' there's a lot going on on zoom' these days try to engage people try to engage him with people this is very very important again today with the Internet is there a rabbi or anybody that he likes maybe there's somebody online that he would appreciate that Israel in America it could be a psychologist it could be a professor it could be a rabbi it could be a rep it's and it could be a scientist there's so much out there I don't know what type of head a is what type of had these in what he's interested in does he love animals just so much she could watch him animals as he loved physics as he loved science does he love beep Judaism does he love spirituality maybe he loves to this maybe he loves Gemara but he loves to master so much out there maybe get him involved open him up to the wealth of Tyrel and wisdom and knowledge that's out there obviously appropriate wisdom and knowledge that's out there in terms of your own help in term of your own being overwhelmed I think it's extremely extremely important for you as I said earlier not to focus on success but to focus on what my mission is today and try to listen to the beginning of the lecture because I think there were some good ideas for you there okay let's take the last few questions a lot a lot of questions came in here people sent in a lot of questions through chat and now I'm checking the questions that came in here through through the email rabbi Vig ler somebody's writing to me that they sent some emails to you guys so maybe you want to post it on chat somebody over here at the end of chat they say that they you see where by vigil at the end of the chat that says they sent a few emails to Rabbi why where did you send it to me privately did you send Tara by Vig ler and I don't have rural Hawk Islanders so you have to tell me we you sent it oh I see I see okay how do I handle two siblings sibling rivalry they can hate each other how can I help them to get along okay how to handle daughter sibling rivalry is it's very important for each child to feel safe and to feel that they get the attention and the confidence that they need give them each private time they're they're they're they're bullying each other or they're there's a sibling rivalry because each one is missing something if each one of them can get what they need from themselves and their mom and other people in their lives I think it can help a tremendous tremendous amount my dearest friends let me just check if there's one last question and then I'm going to okay as my band mates if you have a question you could put it on the chat on zoom' or on the sea bed net video page that's the two places we're looking at I push a can't look everywhere those are the two places I'm looking at your questions if I see somebody wrote a very long comment on the issue and I'm at a single dad who takes care a trial takes care of a child and gives advice based on his own experiences of how he goes it's very very interesting email on many levels thank you to moisha my bar mitzvah son missed his Bar Mitzvah because of Corona father is not well and not involved my son is struggling what do you suggest he's struggling religiously and he's struggling emotionally okay I believe Graham I've Ziggler announced earlier that my extended family has maybe good resources for this because what I would suggest is your son needs some good older boys to get involved with him play basketball with him when the corona is over play baseball with him play football with him go for pizza make a Carissa it's important for him to have relationships that are productive that are meaningful and I would bring in such people into his life now the fact that he missed his Bar Mitzvah because of Corona he didn't miss his Bar Mitzvah because of Corona he missed the the public bump it's because of Corona it's important for him and all of us to understand that the most important Bar Mitzvah happens inside the heart it's between you and God you don't need anybody there so you didn't miss his Bar Mitzvah he just missed the public celebration and explained to him that it's an opportunity for him to find out what the Bat Mitzvah means to him terms of his struggles originally emotionally maybe also worth to research if there's a good therapist that can be of help again maybe my extended family can help another important thing is can you engage him verbally what's going on in his heart what is he feeling he may be angry maybe pained and the question is as his parent are you angry are you paint can you share that with them can you have an open conversation sometimes it's important to tell our children you know mommy's going through a difficult time myself Kathy's going through a difficult time himself and sheer he may not answer but he's gonna listen you plant seeds so I think these are different options that may prove to be to be very very meaningful and you know all of you should have tremendous knock us knock us of your children because you all you all deserve it how do i how do I handle for little kids when I myself need a teach on zoom' my oldest is 16 and he's bad-mouthing he's bad-mouthing me all day I guess it's I guess he's bad-mouthing you all day Wow okay and the answer to that is I how do you handle for little kids when you yourself teach on zoom' I don't know it's important to give your kids something to do I think it's important do your kids have some zoom experience it's very important for your kids to have something at zoom if not maybe you have to cut some of your some of your zoom hours in terms of your six-year-old bad-mouthing you all day I don't know what's going on can you speak to her can somebody speak to her can a therapist speak to her I don't know again based on your advice never to cut off from your child as he needs you most in challenging situations how do I deal with my pain seeing my children being ruined by my ex's new spouse and you disguise wow that's that's tough that's very very tough and what I would like to tell you about that is that I really really cannot change my ex maybe maybe I don't know if this is possible I don't know the relationship the civil connection you have with your ex is it possible that you or somebody else brings it up with the ex and respectfully asks the ex to say listen you know this child is growing up in a religious home it's not fair for a new person who came into the to life and is not a biological parent to interfere with this is it possible to communicate that in a mental way again with respect maybe through somebody else if that's possible try that with be very very helpful if that girl could be explained whoever your ex married that it's really none of her business to interfere into this education especially if her father is not doing it you know let them feel bad it's not good for a child to grow up with conflicting messages there's enough conflict we don't have to impose more could somebody explain to this woman who came into life of your ex there's no need to interfere with this child it's just not right you know she doesn't have to interfere with somebody else's child who's not her child not her natural biological child that would be that what I would try to do if that's not possible it's not possible then you have to do what you have to do and create amazing beautiful loving home as much as you can as much as you can Lakewood doesn't do zoom okay but you could still do telephone or other things No and everybody in Lakewood does the same thing there's people there from Lakewood so not everybody in Lakewood does the same thing but you mean the school but I'm sure there's other things that can be telefono or maybe there could be some exceptions and situations what do I tell my 11 year old son why his father doesn't call or see him his father remarried ran to Israel a few years ago and has another family he doesn't pay child support does not call him on his birthday does not send any gifts that's a great question what do you tell your son about his father I want you to consult a top expert in this area you can ask my extended family if references you want a top don't get a mediocre ex but get a top top expert for this situation when a father chooses to disconnect from his son how do you help your 11 year old it's a great question and you need to you need to get the best advice you could on this next question I have several young children I have full custody I'm overwhelmed I need time for myself I'm overworked I can't even go food shopping with my kids my ex has some visiting hours when it's time to pick up the kids for a few hours I contact them he says I don't have energy his way of canceling I end up taking it out on my kids cuz the minute cuz the little rest I thought I'd have was canceled on a whim how do I manage the situation Wow some of these exes can really be very difficult huh okay the way you manage the situation is can you communicate to your ex and say this is really not right what you're communicating to me can you communicate this to your ex and say listen I am overworked and overwhelmed I really need this time please please don't do this to me if you don't have energy then make another time explain it maybe you could send a text or an email or somebody else but it's very important to communicate and if he's a mensch he'll understand this I hope he's a mensch who I hope he's a match okay I'm now gonna turn over the mic to Rabbi wiggler I thank you all for being here with you from being here with us I send you my love and blessings how's that Kazak Venus has a rabbi yosef wiggler I want to say a very special thank you and a very special Easter Claire to the rabbi Jacobsen and thank you everyone for joining us I want to just point out that many of these issues that are dealt with are really you know they are practical questions they're real life questions there are things that we all contend with and deal with and we are here at mic stand and family to help you I thank all the staff of mics and family who were here listening to the questions and understanding them if you live in one of the four locations that we have a place so please get in touch with us we really could help in practical ways with all these issues that we dealt with I saw some other questions here are really things we really deal with if you don't live in those areas we still have send us an email get us on the email list and we'll be able to to help out god willing we do advocacy for children we help we are there or we are there for is to help raise the next generation our motto is our mission is these kids despite all the difficult challenges we'll be able to come out as special super kids that you've never ever imagined and I want to share with you one last little episode you know there was we have a was one fellow whose mother was basically in a position that as growing up she never had food to put on the table and she was he watched his mother put on literally every every every month every youngster she would call up different places she would beg for food she would beg for shoes for her kids one after another she would have to literally go around begging and he says I grew up and all I looked at was just my mother begging she was a single mother and as he grew up this guy now he called me up I didn't know the guy he called me up out of the blue and he said to me all I want to do is help these kids I want people to not be in a position that I was now and he gave I won't say what the amount of money he gave but he gave a tremendous tremendous amount of money that he gave and I was looking at and saying you know that's absolutely incredible like here this guy he's fabulously wealthy male and all he wants is to help single-parent children now they shouldn't have to go through what he went through and I was looking at this case and I said then you are the proof that every parent seated in the room yeah can one day have a child who will excel and will use all the adversity that you are going through now and will transform it all into the greatest success story that ever happened I said to this guy the very fact that you called is the greatest proof that there is hope there is hope and your kids are going to outshine that your one day look at all these things aware all the terrible difficulties you're going through and you look at it and you'll say aha but my child turned out from all that to be a star so we had my extended family here to help you our email is family at my EF dot all could check out the website my EF as in my extended family dot o-r-g and if you send us an email family my after all you'll get an email list and check us out from the social media on Facebook and Instagram and we would love to help any mid-session all together we'll pull up some more events like this all together how goal is to raise healthy happy kids and to those who have questions they felt needed more do us a favor I saw some of them and we can help you out please email us thank you so much everybody should go home a Jacobson just go out at my house and pull behind the scenes thank you so much Scott colt of this class is brought to you by the achieve Annette please help 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