Rav Shulem Landau | Leadership

You know, it's a tremendous for our community to see so many people from different sh from different neighborhoods coming together to hear words of from that does so much for Israel. Before we introduce the Rav, I want to share with you guys a very short idea, a short story. I just came back to Mashabaton up in New Jersey and I drove by Jamaica hospital to get here. You guys know where Jamaica hospital is? >> About 10 minutes away from here. There's a few very famous people that were born in Jamaica hospital. >> The most famous one is President Donald Trump and the second most famous one is who your brother and so leaders come out of the hospital. different types of leaders. But I'll tell you a story that took place there 40 years ago. 40 years ago in that same hospital called Rabbi David from Brooklyn says, "I need a big favor from you. My son David has issues with his throat. He needs special surgery. The doctors in Israel told him he could only do this in America. There's a rab There's a doctor in Korea is a specialist in this matter. And the surgery had to take place in Jamaica hospital. He said, "I need you to please take care of everything from A to Z. Make sure you have somewhere to sleep." Someone drives him to the hospital, brings it back from the hospital. He has something to eat to drink. They take care of him. It's very important. The rabbi says, "No problem." Hashem, the surgery was successful. When this doctor came to Israel, he went to for him. He sat with him for a good 15 20 minutes and then the rabbi gave him a told his doctor anytime you're in the surgery room Hashem should be in the room with you an angel of God should be in the room with you the doctor said amen but says rabbi I have one kind against you one claims like what's the problem says many years ago I did a surgery on the satiam the great ado and when I finish the surgery the Reb gave me a he gave me a every time I go to the surgery room I SHOULD HAVE THREE MALIK in the room with me why you took away two from me told the doctor he says listen one could do the job of three malim you think about you know we don't have malikim in the world but when you look at The rabbi is sitting over here, a person that has his own world, his own community. He doesn't have to deal with all the garbage of the outside world. He decided to throw himself, as they say, into the into the mud, as they say, to go into the world and give words of he say today you got to have cool rabbis. The rabbis no beard, no this is a person, the way he dresses, the way he acts, the way he lives. And is inspiring hundreds of thousands of people around the world. You see what one man could do if you want. If you want, you could do tremendous things. We always limit ourselves. Limit our potential. Don't limit yourselves. If you want a gives you tremendous, you know, our community has a tremendous so many kids in public schools, but not just in Queens. We're talking about in great nick and in Brooklyn and in Florida in Los Angeles and so many neighborhoods losing the Jewish identity not just in by the tens by the hundreds by the thousands and 20 years ago in this midash right over here in this iron walk I don't know if you guys remember him he passed away during co together with shita we started this organization called the mission was to inspire people and and different uh things for community at large. But eventually the mission changed over the years to focus on public school kids. All of you sitting in this room have a cousin, have a brother, have a sister, have a neighbor that sends your kids to public schools. We're not asking you to become teachers and ask you to become mentors. We're asking you to refer them to programs. We have after school programs in 25 locations. 25 different locations all over the tri-state area in other communities as well. All we asking is referral. Get involved. Push them through the door. There's pizza, there's sushi, there's shama, there's food, shabatones, trip to Israel, trip to Florida. We try to make the kids excited and have what to look for. We just need you guys to send us as many kids as possible. Over the past 9 years, we've had over 11,000 kids come through our doors. Of those 11,000 over 2300 were transferred to it's an unbelievable accomplishment. But I want you to understand it's nothing compared to what the real numbers are out there. There's hundreds of thousands of Jewish kids that don't know a thing about Albet, don't know a thing about Judaism. So just like the Rebi over here took upon himself to inspire Israel, all of you had to think how can I do more for is everyone in his own level. No one said to be the capacity of what the Rebi does over here on your own level, you give your heart, you'll be very shocked what you can accomplish. With this uh with this being said, it's a tremendous honor. I'll tell the Reb one thing. I was at there were three guys, two now wearing a yamaka. One was sitting there. They saw me. They're so happy. Rabbi Rabbi, come over. They're watching a video. Rabbi, watch. Watch who we're watching. I'm like, can I watch you so I can see this? I thought you're going to be happy to see this. And they're watching the rabb's video, right? and the amount of people that are watching his clips. It's unbelievable what a person could do. It's a tremendous today for me to call upon the the great of to say a few words of first of all thank you for the introduction. You know, I thought to myself, I'm going to be here. I'm gonna be here the only triangle but not ma. I happen to have another one here. There was once a a guy a litfish guy who was in a shul and they needed to have a a coan to be in the by the by the cipher tora. So they called him but he didn't have his hat. So he was in aid place hotel. So they gave him a to for the so he had on him and he was so overwhelmed of emotions because all his years he was thinking about this. At that time when this story happened the was maybe only $2,000 but now it's already $18,000 in our community. So he had his trrimal and he was so overwhelmed and taking over and as he takes it off. He was like fully into it and fully u overloaded with his emotions. So he comes home and he's asking you wife you see you see she's like see what you don't see. I see nothing. You don't you don't see I had a stryal. I was wearing a trial today. No, she doesn't see anything. So, he was like wondering how come he had a similar story like last year he was in a hotel for Passover and then 3 months later he found someone on the street and the guy says, "Oh, I see. Have you been in you have been in a for Passover in a hotel?" He says, "How do you know? Are you psychic?" He says, "No, no, no. I see you're still You ate too much that uh Passover. I can still see it in you. So that's the big difference in in the cabala it's called that is mala kalman or the soy of kalman which means that sometimes you go into a certain place you get a certain vibe and you feel something and you get overload with emotion you get such a high but when you walk out it's all gone the strate but if you internalize something then it could stay for you by for months. So that was a very um interesting uh idea I heard today about a hospital who produces leaders. So it's definitely something that's not internalizing in in in a hospital in whatever that Jamaica hospital is. But I think the rabbi has to create over here more a hospital to produce leaders which is where they internalize and I would disagree respectfully with the rabbi. The rabbi is just looking for referrals. I think we should look for leaders. We should look for people who are willing to be teachers. And there's nobody here in the room that doesn't qualify for some kind of service to all of these kids and whatever there is. I I didn't even um make some research of what Kazak is doing, but I can just see the fire on the rabbi and whatever the stories is the 2,300 kids that was saved in in a year and I'm sure the rest who wasn't saved were also checking in more to know about and one day they're going to come over. So, it's definitely we need a lot of leaders to help this uh eventually more than 2,300 kids to get out of the public schools. I think actually all these schools are like kind of hospitals that I always say that that they they're doing the opposite of creating leaders. They're trying to systemize everything and everyone into one single type that people don't even believe later that they can be leaders. They keep they they don't even know what value they have and what strength they have and what kind of opportunities they're just not using. There was there was once a guy 80 year old guy that um I saw him how actively he was doing and and and and learning with people and being mad. he was 80 years old and I you know I felt like you're 80 years old what's making you so uh productful and I mean most people your age are already retiring which is by the way an extra issue I think that a lot of people are working hard when they're young because they're waiting to retire in the older age but sometimes they don't even get there so you know the more smart people they're starting to retire early on and then if they're going to live then then they're starting to work out so I thought to and like what's the idea I see you're working so hard have you been retiring in the early ages he said honestly yes that's my story so he told me that once he was like always felt like he was not doing and whatever he was like living covering his budget working to cover his budget circling in the minus all the time like he he didn't feel he's doing anything he got to age 40 he felt very depressed he went into to a certain rabbi and one of his he heard that the rabbi is a very smart guy and he's going to maybe help him. The rabbi looks at him and he says if you want to go backwards then you're going to be then you're going to be a depressed person. If you want to be a fruitful person you always have to look forward like what can you still do? And that applies to every minute in the life. And that rabbi was an older rabbi over the 80s. And he says he got so fired up that I'm now 80 years and I'm always thinking every minute in the day I'm just thinking like what can I do? What's what can I do forward? What can I still do? So even if you're 80 years old, you can still do and actually even more. You know today I I got a thought why do we see people as they get older Hashem created that there you know the natural hormones are like starting to fall the dopamine levels the serotonin levels it all starts to fall more and more and more today they give them medication to make them back happy which is maybe another reason Hashem made it like that basically what Hashem created him was that as he gets older he should feel more and more and more the need to feel productful, to feel that he's producing. So, Hashem made him depleting a little bit of his um natural hormones that makes him happy. So, you should produce more because as you get older, as you get smarter, as you have a lot of experience of life, more people going to listen to you, you have more opportunities to create in your family and with others in the street and everything. So that's that's why Hashem made him to have to fill it up with some kind of doing with some kind of uh producing that makes him feel accomplished. But instead they try to numb him with some kind of medication. Just go sit back, relax, take your take your um retire, keep retiring. I was once by the holy shalivi he gave out and he gave out all this and it was once a Friday afternoon when I was in Benak and I got permission his grandson told me he's going to let me in but he told me my grandfather doesn't let anybody go in was his great-grandfather he doesn't let anybody go in Friday but he wanted to do it for me so he said, "I'm letting you in, but rabbi don't don't tell him that I let that I was letting in." Just so I'm walking in and he was like he was that time like 97 years old and he's looking at me and he says, "Who who got you in here?" I was like stumbling like as if I don't know that it's even a problem to get in. It's like, "What do you want? What do you want?" And I said I started to speak something about some shila something and and learning and he's like very edgy. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I said I said to him rabbi I'm really impressed but why the rabbi I asked him why the rabbi so anxious. He says I have so much to learn. I have so much to give out. Like he's like I don't have time. I don't have time. I said, "Rabbi, if by the 96 years the rabbi is still so active and so producing, that's that that's that's the most I could have learned today." And the rabbi smiled to me and says, "Yes." And that he said, "I still have to give out another another shalivi." You know his son said that when he was over the 100 years old and he was in the hospital he was he said to his son please take me out of here please take me please take me out of here same he lived in Barak his son he said take me out he says why Tati you have to relax a little bit you're not so okay he says no I have to give out my take you thank you that just water any tea no thank He said, "I I still have to give out my 12th shali on on the shalas achieve. I still have to give that out." He was over 100 years and he still has to give it out for the world. That's the energy we saw by the gym. That's the energy we need to get and that's the energy I see over here in our rabbi which is the first time I'm meeting him and I'm happy to see that. I I would like to apologize everyone for for for coming so late and it's my fault that I got so late. But I'm just going to tell you what I thought to myself as I was coming over here. We were putting it into the to the GPS. We put in the address was two addresses which is another story. So he was putting it into the address, the GPS to get here and he he says go right, go left, go here, go here. But it didn't make any sense and it was keep getting longer and longer the way. Then it turned out that the GPS didn't know its location. So the GPS doesn't know its location. It keeps telling you go here, go here, go here, go here. But even if you gave him a destination where you want to be, he will keep giving you wrong instructions because he doesn't know where he is. So I thought to myself, the first thing before we give everybody instructions where to go, the first important piece is to find our GPS, our own GPS to find where are we. So then we can give us a destination where we have to go. The rabbi told me on uh on Thursday, the rabbi told me as the rabbi, what should I speak about? The rabbi said two things. I should speak about um the concept the rabbi said over here today that he wants the the the engage the everybody has an uh an opportunity I would call it the rabbi called it that we to to to take someone else get him into the to the to the Yiddish guide bring him into our to see our um Jewish community and to connect them to our Jewish community and the rabbi says give me justice or fail but whatever it is engaged on and then he said the second thing he wants to speak is about he says that a lot of people they're having struggles with I just said to the rabbi that I believe that if you're married you have a issue with chulay was once a guy he gave out a very nice cipher in chulias So I asked him I said happened to be I was with his son. So I said to him you're living with your father in one house. So he gave out a whole cipher. Is that how your father's life is? He says no if that would be the case he wouldn't have to give out a book. It's what he thinks it has to be. I believe if there's 1.2 2 billion married people in the world as of today. Then there should be 1.2 million books about marriage and another 1.2 billion therapist specially designed for each marriage because there's no two marriages alike. There are no two people alike but there's for sure no two marriages alike and the problem always is and today especially when in the past they used to figure out things but now they they keep going going for therapy the biggest problem is when you go to therapy to somebody who tells you after going I don't see it could work he he doesn't see something like he doesn't see a click he doesn't see I don't know even what he doesn't You know, he had so much experience and the other ones he was able to make happen, but this one he's not able to figure out. He believes they have to get divorced. Number one, who is he to believe? He didn't create the marriage. He didn't put them together. It was Hashem doing it. Let Hashem do his work. Don't get involved. You can help if you want, but if you can't help, just check out. It's number one. The rabbis got agree, right? Number two. Number two, it's important is that never go to a therapist who believes that divorce is a solution because that you don't need marriage counseling. Just get you can get get divorced. >> If you're looking for marriage counseling, then go to someone who doesn't believe divorce is a solution. It's my belief that when it comes to marriages, there's a reason why Hashem is the only one who is able to do because he's the only one who creates human and he's the only one who decides who goes to whom. No one else is entitled to get involved and help get divorced because divorce is not your position. If you want to help, beautifully. If you could help, beautifully. Marriage has to be figured out by the couples. I was last time in uh another place where I had the opportunity to meet some Bkarian people. I was having lines of people ask me for a so I had a line of so many um young boys looking for a shak. Everybody's giving me the name. Then I had all the woman giving me their name for I said the rabbi, why don't you have just a shotgun over here? We have lines over here. They all look looking for a zeic. I think that's the the biggest challenge today is that we are we are looking for our for a perfect match after after so many years in gulas after reading so many books written by English people and by even by Jewish writers there's so many pictures of how a marriage has to look like everyone who gave out his dream how a marriage has to look which he also never had and and and And we keep looking for some kind of match like a match made of made in heaven. A match made in heaven is not what it what it looks here ma like a match. It's it's a match in heaven. It has to match. The two the two souls are coming together and they getting divided into two different bodies and they got they have to go together. They have to get back together. They have to figure it out. It's nothing about finding a match. It's about finding your your soul. Finding your soul. It's not about finding a match. You know that I'm telling a story. Um I had a aunt who was divorced for many many years and uh this is how I got connected to the river that my parents were keep going there to ask for for for a family member for a shak. It was 8 years that the was always saying the shak is here the shak is here and uh they would keep asking again said the shik is here the shak is here. Turned out eight years later that she got married with my uncle and for eight years in a row the was keep calling about the same name. She didn't do it and the was keep saying the shik is here. The shik is here. So it's it's so uh obvious where people are sometimes you know they got a name they have a name the names keep coming back and back and no I'm looking for something else then after years they settled both sides are fig you know they got nothing else okay they're getting married so the shik is here what are you waiting for the is here get married marriage married life is not something that could be explained you know I I had I had a a thought today um as I was again I'm apologizing for coming so late but by us we finished late and until we I got out it took some time and I had to make Abdullah I couldn't even go home to make Abdullah because it was so late so I said in the sh bring me over here to make Abdullah they should bring me a a candle to make Abdullah. So someone comes with a travel candle. You usually at home you have this hdulas. You can buy it ready already today. You don't have to work for nothing. It's only the beginning of what's coming. And and and and but but I had but I had to get a candle for for Abdullah. So they bring me two tract to make Havdullah. And as you try to put the true travel together, I don't know if anyone had that experience, but it's like a small candle, a small fire, a small fire. They try to put it together really doesn't work. And when you when you put it together, you can hold it for one second and you you barely see the you know when you have to when you when you do bay, you have to be able to to read the lines on your hand. You have to be able to really um have a hanu from the from the fire. You have to enjoy it in a way and you can't really do it. You need a real so I thought to myself some you know came into my some ideas that I like to share with you. So how why are we doing every mo shabas? Why are we doing this? And the reason is because when it was when was created back then he had a shabas then came after shabas was dark the whole world was dark for him. Remember he was a think about someone who is a son from a rich father had a good life everything was going good for him and then one day he lost everything so he has to start from scratch it's like real dark with the militia was created on Friday he was in Ganiden it was all good then he messed up and when they got about from Ganiden came Shabbat. He had no time not he didn't have too much time to think about it and then he was making Kdish and the wine probably had a good slept at night and then in the morning fus was ready Shabas and then it's dark again and he's alone in the world so he took two stones and he made some kind of fight and he got fired out from the two stones. So he said this is why we make every bunch of shabas we make. So then so I was thinking like why do we need two candles to make a only had one fire one spark we should you know we have the match there's a lot of shabas you don't you you make a new fire you make a new fire you make you take a match you make a fire and that's how you you light the candle and that's how you make a bur. So the idea is that when two people are together and they fighting a spark comes out and from that spark you have to create a light. That's why you say from that fire you have to create a light. So if everyone is like a travel like the travel candles where you have like all this wax around you and you have like this stiff um pasture and a small light coming out from you then you can't really make the you can't really put it together. In order for you to have uh to be able to make the you need to put together in a way that when two are together it really shines and has all these type of colors and certain different colors. Everybody you know one of the is why we say because there's so many colors of fire and of light. So it's all this concept the main point of the concept is which a lot of people are looking for shulbay and they're looking for they have some kind of idea what is shulias so most people that I had an opportunity to speak about shay they have a certain illusion in the head that it's about two people not fighting then there it's a schol if two people are not fighting you have real shay But shulam means whole. Shulam means whole. Whole doesn't mean two objects like two objects who are sitting next to each other. That's not whole. That's two different objects. When does it become whole is when you take two over here it was two stones but sometimes it's in a matu when we already stonewalled you take two people and they and they and and and they having this kind of arguments but from that they become one because it comes out the light and that comes out as one schul means when two people are together one and they can only be on when it's not like you're hiding you're hiding yourself or she's hiding herself and trying to be or pretend to be something else than they really are. So the first concept of is don't be just a stone sitting next two stones next to each other. That's that's not going to bring out every anything. That's not chili. Shulbay is when you two are able to create a light out of you two and sometimes it only times actually it's it's through the fight. So if you fighting and you had an argument don't come to the rabbi tomorrow say you don't have just take the argument and create a light out of the argument. Come to a place where you both agree to each other where you both understand each other. Amen. That's another point I always hear from people telling me they're looking for their match. And I think the worst thing you can have is if if you find your match, you know, people are looking for they're looking for the opposite, but they're looking for the opposite as a person, but they're not looking for the opposite as an opinions. It's okay if you have opposites. You know, in my community, I said lately a speech which I thought a lot of people going to be upset, but by the end they were happy about it. I said, "The more you date, the higher your divorce rate." And it's so true because the more you know, you know who you're getting married to, the more you think or you believe that you know to whom you're getting married to. And then you have a whole perception of to whom you're getting married to. And but in fact that's not what marriage is all about. Marriage is all about figuring out the differences and how to create from the differences a shared life, a shared family. And you don't need someone to be the same as you. You need someone to see exactly the opposite of you. in each you know I had once um I used to give for my students from my talidum I used to give them a course of shar so the first thing I gave them was I have a set like a 500 questions about personalities I gave it a whole cipher on personality like in personalities and mission life based on personalities and it came to I was doing a lot of research on people and different type of people so I used to give them a set of questions And uh one time a calls me up in the he's sitting with his wife and he took this whole pack of questions about his personality he and his wife and happened to me all 500 questions everything they were opposite and it was the middle of the shas he's so scared he calls me up he says I don't know I'm sitting over here with my wife we made this test we are opposite on each question I said I never saw such a good couple. This is actually the best. If you're really the opposite on each, you couldn't even be better. That's how Hashem created it. Hashem created people to be opposite. And if they're not opposite, which whatever part they're not opposite, that's the challenge. I'm going back to my way to Queens. So I had another story. I was put we were putting it in the GPS but the GPS who knows the traffic didn't know didn't have the GPS but then the GPS of the car did gave us away and I sent the rabbi a time when I'm going to be here but that time was based on the GPS of the car which doesn't have internet. So it doesn't really know the real destination because all this traffic and all these blockages I wasn't aware of it. It gave me a way wasn't exactly the way that turned out to be. So today in life we have this wave and the Google maps and all these kind of tools where we can figure out all our blockages before we start. Okay, this is the way this is the destination. Usually it takes so long but with all this blockages it's going to take you this and this time and avoid here go here and then it keeps giving you all these directions. It's like they're giving you a direction of life where to be and where to go. The problem is to that they didn't came up with a GPS yet for for humans and life because our GPS is based on we need to know where we are and we need to have a goal. But the whole way that's the way we grow is by living with Hashem by letting Hashem in our house. If a man and a woman are lucky, I would call it then the is between them. If if not it's the getting burned down by the fire which is again the fire we spoke about a fire could become a light and a fire could be could become very destructive and it really depends how you use it and what do you do from it and how do you light it up and how do you use the light and the most important thing is really the most important thing really is to be a light is to be a song. Again, I said it in the beginning, I'm not going to give any uh I'm not giving out I am actually going to give out a book about marriage, but it's but it's just concepts that has to do with personalities of man and woman and and lava and son. But it's not like how a dream marriage has to be because a dream marriage that's for a dream But it's important to understand personality differences between to understand that we are not looking for a match. We're just looking to be our part 100% the way we supposed to be. If we are a man, we have to be a man. If we are a woman, we have to be a woman. when they when they're trying to switch parts, that's when the whole crisis is starting. There's a big crisis today and it's affecting everyone. People are living a lonely life. People are in with they're sitting together in their house and they are lonely and it's only because they're not carrying the way who they are. Like like I said in the beginning, their GPS is broken. They don't know who they are. So there's no destination. Let's keep circling. So the first thing is to know who you are. And as a man, and by the way, I'm very rude to man because I believe every problem in marriage is a man's problem. And I'll say why? Because because if you are if you are a light, a man is a th and a woman is a leavona. If you are a light, if you are a sun, then a sun is shining and you have to keep shining. And it doesn't matter for the sun. It never mattered for the sun if the lavuna is taking the shine or is not taking the shine or if the lavuna is from the other side or it whatever the leava does or the lavuna takes the shine and shines or not. It's the lavuna's position and it's the people seeing the lavuna's position. But as a light, as a thumb, you're just shining and you're shining and you're not looking if someone is taking your shine or not. There's a lot of people in the world who are who are closing their eyes and putting something in uh to cover it and they don't see the shine of the of the of the sun. Would the son ever complain about it? Look, I'm so giving. I'm so good. I'm trying to give. And you you're just not taking it. The sun just keeps shining. Whoever wants to get my son, whoever wants to get my light, you know, even a lot of time in life, a lot of time in our days, it becomes all of a sudden it becomes dark. There's no more light. It turns out we almost used to think in the past before we know what's going on. We we used to think that the sun every night is going back to the sky somewhere and at the morning it comes back. But later we found out that the sun doesn't go to nowhere. The sun is keep shining. It the world is turning away the face from the sun. That's when it becomes dark. So it turns out that the sun never ever stop to do his light. It's just we turning the our back to him. So we don't have the light. But it's a son who keeps shining. As a man, you have to be a light. You have to be a light for your family. You have to be a light. And as the rabbi said, we have to be a light for the nation. Everyone over here has to be a light. It's a light and if if you are a light at home then you can be a light outside. You can shine in every aspect in life because you are a light. You're shining. You don't need no you're not a needy person. If you're needy then you're not a light. You have to shine. You have to light. And if something in marriage I always say go back to the man because what is he not shining? Why is he getting affected from everything? She complained. She do this. She do this. A man called me up last week. He says, "Rabbi," his wife was complaining to me. By the way, I still don't know how this guy got my number, but he got to me and and he's like calling me and calling me and calling me. So I I I knew it's it's important, but I was I was so busy at night like 12:30. I called him back and I said, "What's going on?" He said, "Rabbi, I never listen to nobody. I was listening to you. You told me to do this and this and this and I was listening to you and every day I'm doing what you told me to do." I basically I just told him to make a reminder in his phone. I told to create to buy a app. Actually, I told him, "Buy an app that sends text messages from your phone and make like three times a day just check in." Like the text message should work for you because I don't know. You know, I know you're busy. You don't have time, but at least have the machine check into your wife. She's going to think that maybe you're checking in. What's the name of the app? >> By the way, we need that app important and it should always work through the to to all the AI rules, you know, to know how to answer whatever. I have a I thought about it another I told one time Shaggy should make an app that the people should always be the app should be between the man and the wife all the text messages cuz because you know all this fire they flame up the AI already managed they know already how to put it down and to change it so you know you can always be between but anyway the guy calls me up and he says I did that he he didn't find that ad but he said he made reminder on his phone and doesn't matter in the middle of a meeting where it is I call in I say how are you he's checking in and things things was very good but yesterday actually today was today it all fall apart nothing helped asked him what what happened what's the story tell me some stupid story and I'm like I'm like so what happened she was screaming at me I said so what happened and she said, "So what happened? What do you mean if nothing helps?" I said, "So what I if she screamed on you?" Like I didn't say, "But you're really going to call me 12 because your wife screamed on you?" No, no, no. Because the idea the idea you gave me didn't help me because she screamed on you. I said, "If your wife doesn't scream on you, then then it's a problem. You know, she has to scream. What happens if she screams? She screams. She has a lot of emotions and she has to give it out and it's fine when nothing happened. It's not an emergency. There was a last place I was there was a you know some woman comes to me she needs a ba rabbi I need a bua that I shouldn't burst out so much I keep bursting out in my house I said I'm giving you a ba you should burst out every time she says why I don't want to burst out I said well but if you want to burst out please don't keep it just burst out. She burst out. She's human. She's working hard. She's doing her work. She's bursting out. What happened? We get all You see, the sun never gets distracted from not doing his shining. You're shining. Your wife is complaining. Listen to her. Say, "I'm sorry if you was wrong." By the way, you should say I'm sorry even if you was only wrong. 01 of a percent you should say I'm sorry because when emotions is heavily working it all that's all what matters so the whole logic you're trying to explain and calculate and and and and and trying to make sense of it doesn't come over here because it's not about logic as a man you're always trying to figure out logic stuff don't figure it out it's okay she's complaining and it feels to her like that and It's all fine. It's all good. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have do it. And I'm Today they have a new word. They they call it I'm sorry you feel that way. You know why they came up with this idea because they had a problem with the people who have you know if I say I'm sorry for what I did wrong then it then now we have a new problem that we are have as we have an issue. So it's a it's a it's the idea is I'm sorry for the way you feel or for the way this made you feel. So it's like he's taking responsibility that he's saying I'm sorry but not fully responsibility like what do you care to take it fully like I am sorry that I made you feel that way. What's so wrong about it? I made you feel that way. I'm sorry about it. And you should be sorry if it's even.1%. So be.1% sorry. I mean whatever sorry it is. You don't have to say I'm only taking 0.1. You just take it fully and it's okay. But it all it all comes back to the to the main concept that we are being shot at such a young age. I mean the rabbi is doing such a big job. He's taking out the kids in from the public schools. I'm like wondering where is the rabbi putting them? Have their own schools. Have their own schools. A lot of yeshivas, >> smaller yeshivas, right? >> Bigger and smaller. >> Bigger and smaller. Yeah. Because today it's it's been piling up for the last 150 years, but it's getting worse and worse that in the public schools, people are not human. They are a part of a big production machine. And we all get in. I mean that's another reason you need to take them out of the public schools besides the giddish they're getting damaged they're not going to have any future. I think there's um there's uh two gentle brothers who who who came up with this whole toy any time they were also from from I heard once a story from them they came out from public school someone took him out and they and that's how they this whole light that the world is shining is thanks to whoever asked took him out from the from the public school so you can all you never know whom you're taking out from there but the public school a part of the danger of the public school where they're selling everything against Hashem and against everything against the Torah is also the part and that could apply even to our schools. Sometimes we're taking the kids and we're making them so robotic so many robots. I mean we're going to have in the next few years there going to be so many robots we don't need us as a robot. We have we have um um even now they're coming up with this new robots. They're making it so detailed like the robots going to be able to be so unique and so different because you're going to be able to talk to them in a different language. It's not going to be robots anymore like the old robots. We're trying to make our kids for robots. They're not supposed to cry. They're not supposed to laugh. They're not supposed to do this. They're not supposed to do this. They're supposed to express themselves. They're supposed to be theel. They have to know what their values are. And everyone else I had last week I had a rash. came to me and he asked me advice. He says he has a book on his yeshiva who need really needs that's why he tells me who really needs ADHD medicine and the father doesn't want to give it to him. I said why does he really need ADHD medicine? He said what do you mean he's jumping and said I don't get it. Hashem knows the recipe how to make the other quiet people. He made him different because he's supposed to be different. He has a different energy that he has to distribute to the to the world. There's so many people that when Hashem created the world, he it says in the P, Hashem said to the which means you should build the world and you should keep the save it. So it's two different personalities. There are people who have this tendency to build and there's people have a tendency to save what has been built. There's people who create buildings and there are people who are sitting outside in the booth to watch the cameras if no one is breaking into the construction site. We need both. And why do we shut them? Why are we not letting them be who Hashem created them to be? We need them the way they are. We need to support them to be the way they are. So many times I think today I'm supposed to speak for Shan Bay today only but so many times in Shambi we're trying to change our partner. We want him to be like why can't she he be? She doesn't he doesn't have to be different. She doesn't have to be different. She has to be who she is. Can you support her the way she is? the place she is, she has so much drama she went through and blah blah blah. That's a part of Hashem's plan, too. It's okay. Can you support her the way she is, not trying to change her? Which, by the way, that's another thing which a lot of people are not getting. You're never going to find a woman, never ever going to find a woman who doesn't want to change her husband, even at age 95. There isn't such a thing. And if she does stop to want to change you, then you she's already checking out of the marriage. Okay? If she doesn't want you to change, she's emotionally cut off. If she's emotionally connected, she wants to change you every minute. Why didn't you put this here? Why didn't you Why didn't you make your bet? Like you can hear it from a 90 a 95 year old woman is going to tell her husband who doesn't even able to and he needs a eight. Yeah, but he should have done it. So, you're always going to see man, if you see a man who wants to change his wife, you should know he's not a man. He's like in his woman mode. Why do you want to change her? A man doesn't want to change his wife. Doesn't have to want to change his wife. So, why do women always want to change their wife? That's a part of the of what it says in the PK when Hashem told the after which by the way those few words is the whole concept of marriage just this few words covers everything. It's about this the woman's whole vulnerability of feeling always that she's being aband have a fear of abandonment not having a clear image not knowing herself like having all these mood swings it all it's all like it's all all comes out from I said once and I'm going to ask apology after I'm saying it that all women are borderline personality disorders >> and all men are narcissistic people. Now, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, it's only a concept, but the concept has a true value to it because the concept of a woman is basically a lot of the traits that you see in borderline personality. Of course, there are sick people and not everybody is sick, but as you can know, most people are getting divorced. The partner, both partners is going to claim that the other partner was either a borderline, you couldn't live with him, or a narcissist. But in fact, he was a man, she was a woman. That that's the whole story. But what what what you're missing in the part is what if that's that's the whole concept from the which means the woman is al always going to crave and look for the attention and have the fear of abandonment and be unsure and whatever it is. And the man is going to be which means he has to be standing up and he has to be in a strong position. We had this week there's a there's a pastor there's a very holy word from the bashtov he says that the mishn had a the walls of the mishn it's called the kush a kesh and then this kes was among them and he says but in this kesish there is kishir when you flip the the oius around it's kir which means connection. So this wall kesh if you flip the words it's ker connection. I think this word from the holy word from the bashtov if you look it in a deep meaning it's m the world of the story of marriages where a man number one a man has to be among them he has to be a strong personality where his wife can feel that she can rely on him but more importantly a lot of times we see a stonewall in front of us she's stonewalling Okay. And a man feels like lost. Oh, my wife is stonewalling. She's putting up that wall. He feels so lost. But what he's not getting is that under this wall, there's just a need for kishir. So this kesh, if you just flip the funds, it becomes kisher. under this stone wall there's a woman looking for connection and there's a whole attachment theory on that there's a whole therapy model on that emotionally focused therapy which is focusing on seeing this stone wall as a connection as she's just looking for another connection which is by the way a very effective model and it's basically showing everyone where all this fight is basically just a a need for a connection looking for a connection and that's why they always put up this wall and the Bashanto says it so so deeply that a kadesh is a udom and they you just have to flip the phone and look for the ker which is lying behind it. So, I would like to thank again the rabbi for giving me this opportunity. And if anyone have uh questions or any other topic they like to be addressed tonight, I'll be willing to answer. If anyone has a question, please raise your hands or come to the front. What if the spouses are on the same page when it comes to >> not on the same page? Since when? I don't get it. After my whole speech, you still want to be on the same page. >> Who decides him? Does the man decides him? >> Huh? >> Does the man decides him? That's another fight. We'll take that. >> So, someone is asking what do we do if the we're not in the same page. So, the good news is the question came from the man's side. So, I can answer it properly. We don't need to be on the same page. You want to do >> K, just do KF. >> It's kids for the kids. If you're not on the same page, why do we have to I mean, why do you have to be on the same page? Why can't you just give over um your values for your kids and for your wife? Is not about talking. If you have to talk, you anyway lost it already. Is about presence. It's the way you Here's the rule. Okay? 90% men follow their parents. It's called the 1090 rule. So it's not what you say, it's what you do. If you have to say anything in your house, you already lost it by by by far. If you have to tell your child what to do, you're we need a new class. You have to practice your your your your life and that goes over to your children. I I had a I had a big list of stuff before I got married that um I mean I don't know about other people but I can tell you I got married to a wife who came from a different family than mine. So she had different values, different beliefs >> and um I never had a conversation about it because not because a man what another guy said over here because a man has to is the boss when it comes to he's not the boss he's nothing he's doing what he's supposed to do whatever he feels doing he's doing it and there's no argument about it and the children is going to follow you and if you if they don't follow you then you're not a leader so you got to go to a leadership It's not about, it's about leadership. If you do what you need to do and you act the way you're supposed to act, they're going to follow you. They don't have to do what you did. They have to be they have to do whatever they do on your belief as a light, you know, as a light. You give the electric. Okay. There's so many different devices using electric. One is a driller, one is a fridge there. Everybody has to get your electric and then they have to do with the electric the way they designed to be. You give the fire, you give the energy to your kids to go in Hashem's way and they're going to follow you. >> Um, what about a like a task that's supposed to be done with your wife and something that you guys disagree on? I can't imagine like it's very uh >> abstract. >> Yeah. >> Just to paint the picture. Let's say somebody's um somebody's religious and they weren't always religious. So they fed their wife before they were and they grew together a little bit. One grew more, one wasn't growing as much and um one is more strict on themselves and one isn't >> different religious >> different religious levels. >> Yeah. But all but you know it's an interesting question but it's definitely a question but comes out in in in in in a certain way. it comes out I mean it's definitely different in my community but it's but it's a question that comes up in every place in a different way because after all let's say let's in in a small scale let's say if you if if you only want to eat a certain ha for example and your wife is cooking for you and she's going to use something that's that's a different ha that you don't eat like what are you going to do about it right that's the concept of the question so the same thing applies to anything So I would always say that if you are leading from strength and you're doing what you want to do, you can always negotiate for what's important for you. So it's always what's important for you that's going to that you you're going to be able to negotiate. But you have always to know like what else like you can't come one day and ask for everything. But it's definitely a specific question. You have to know the exact but it all comes back to leadership of course because if you're leading it and you're um strict about it and you're strong about it not fighting and not creating arguments just you're real about it it's it's it's going to happen either way. So the question is how did you dealt with your life when your wife was from different communities? What happened? How did you actually face that? >> By the way, I didn't have that dream marriage. I I never I never gave out the book. But um I think I had to figure it out. It took me a lot of years. I'm I'm only married 30 years. But um I'm still figuring it out actually. Daily I have to figure it out. It's life. You have to you have to figure it out. There's no there's nothing to deal with. You have to deal with it by living it. But it's a it all comes back to the concept like are you here are you here to make it work or you here to find a way out? That's always the question. You have to figure it out. >> So in other words, you saying just ignore. >> No. Why ignore? Never ignore somebody. >> Never ignore. Shine. Shine. >> What are you saying? >> Shining not ignoring. lighting, not ignoring. There's a bit difference between giving light and ignoring. The son gives the light. It doesn't ignore. He gives light. He keeps giving and giving and giving and giving. >> Way son is ignoring. Who's taking it or he's not? He's just giving. >> He's giving. But but he's not ignoring. He's giving. And he's not looking for anything back from you. He's giving. So So the point is you have to shine. You have to be a light and ignore if he's taking or not taking. ignore if somebody says but but but she but he never but she didn't appreciate it I always have that she doesn't appreciate enough she doesn't appreciate what I do so if you're looking for appreciation you're becoming needy then you lost your whole skills you don't need appreciation >> um so the question is the approach that you should have when it comes to like kiru you know and yeah you have um people who are not so religious and thank God you know you you might be a little bit more what's the right way to to bring them to to try to meet you know >> um as I used to be by the holy even I heard a lot of stories of him he was in a very hard time for cli in in in in Romania in the time of the communism and he was trying to bring more and more uh yeen to cha But he never asked for anything. He just was he did the bit of course the brisma and he was just giving them and giving them and giving them love giving them love and giving them love and slowly slowly a lot of people joined them um and and and became and were successfully picking up. It's not it's not always about demanding it's about again like about shining. It's not what we demand it's what we give. So it's very clear regarding a man right you said a son must always give without concern who say how about the woman now can we talk about that in that sense can they do they have to cover their face like doing the sun and signing or do they have >> but the second you want to know what the woman have to do you already lost it >> I agree with you I agree so you say completely is shining without >> if you shine eventually. How long can you be in the dark? At one point you got to wake up, right? >> Automatically works. >> If someone is in the dark, at one point they want to get some light. >> Leavona. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's like the leava at one point, you know, the leava is always shining what you shine, what the sun is shining. So a woman is the lavuna. There's have a whole book of it but they they made different concept but but the concept is that the the woman is like a lavuna >> say the moon >> the moon the moon oh >> the moon yeah >> woman are the moon so the moon is always reflecting not always because a lot of times they're not reflecting because whatever certain difference when the when the certain difference when they're not always shining but from the from the perspective of the sun he always gives this whole light for the for the moon, how much the moon is taking it and shining it further. That's up to a lot of stuff that comes in between. But the sun is always shining to the moon and the moon is taking your shine and giving it over to the world, which is to your children, to your family. So if you're shining to your wife, she's going to take this shine and she's going to give it over to her to her kids and she's going to shine your shine next to the kids. It's called she's taking your will and she's taking it not by the way not your orders. This is a big mistake people have. They say she doesn't listen to me. It doesn't say they should listen to you. They should take your will. A righteous woman takes your will and she does it. Which means she takes what you really look what what your will is like what you not what your orders are. People are giving orders all the time. don't give orders. They take your will and they're taking it to your family, to your kids. They they they they producing it in a way that gives the gives the future family for you. >> How will she know your will if you don't give orders? Oh, >> that was beautiful. There's a lot of men saying it comes now. Someone asked me once, why are we not saying Abraham when we give Why we not doing it? They might not accept it. >> Huh? They might not accept it. Good idea. So you ask him before, are you going to accept it? So it's not a you know what the reason is because the reason why is because to bring friendship, connection, love. That's why we give. But if you're giving someone, you're telling him the reason I'm giving it to you is because Hashem told me to give it to you. Then you're not creating any love. >> You're creating it because you give it because you want to give it today the day to give. So I chose to give it to you. A lot of times we're being told what to do. Like both of those books are going to tell you what to do. Like I told that guy to give him a text message every day. We tell him what to do. We don't have to tell you what to do. You don't have to tell what to do. You know what someone likes and you buy it for them if you love them, right? You always know what someone likes. It's not what someone told you to do. I was by a she today and they told you have to give your wife a text message. You have to call her up in the middle of the day. So, I'm doing it. Then you didn't care for her. You're just following orders. >> Someone has a question. Someone had a question about moderate laws interference in marriage. >> Beautiful. >> But I don't know what the question is. Is that a question if they should interfere or what? >> How do you deal with it? How do you deal with >> I I believe that um if they if they can still interfere in your marriage, it's because you never got your wife on your side. So, how's about figuring out that part first? >> First of all, do you have a mother-in-law? >> Are you talking about me? >> It's a very sad story. She passed away a few years ago, but she was a big sadikist, by the way. But I wouldn't blame my I wouldn't blame her if she would got if she wouldn't interfere because it would mean that I'm failing. >> If I'm not able to have my wife on my side then I'm failing. Where does I mean >> complain the complaints go to the mother and that means they're failing. >> She could interfere because she still has a faith into your house. I mean why is she having a space into your house? Because you're not you're not out of among them. You're not building your own mission. You have to be strong enough that nobody would be able to interfere. You have to be you have to be enough son, enough light that no one should be able to interfere. I'm too harsh today on the man, huh? >> No, it's okay. We like it. >> You like it? >> We love cup. >> Yes. >> What should a man do when he becomes needy and acts like started acting like a woman? How does the man today? That's a good that's that's actually the whole that's the whole problem. But I but but you know why I like your question because I see you I see you really got it which which is a compliment for me tonight. But Hashem you got it. You're not supposed to be needy. That's good. What you should do that's another speech and we have another Kazak speech one day. What should we do? We get needy. I mean, as long as you know already and know as as long as your GPS is already working, you know your location, then we're good. >> Can because the person has a gle of a woman, >> can it be that the man is a gle of a woman? >> Oh, why? >> Um, or the other way around. >> Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know if it matters if he's a guilt of a woman or not. Like in a shuma, there's no such a thing really. as man and woman. There's one shuma and it comes in to it gets split to two um bodies. But what does it matter if the last time his let's say last time his nishuma was in a of course it wasn't a woman it's always in a woman it was in a man and in a woman so the shame in shuma is here again like ina there's no woman and man it's one there's no man and woman so I don't know how he was like >> didn't they say that of a of a woman >> whatever it means it doesn't mean like there's an for a woman and a man it Could be that the part who should have been in a man that part should have gone to the man came into him as a as a whatever. It doesn't mean like you're a woman. >> What if you have to be the son but you feel that you're you have to give more than you have more patience more time more energy more. >> We don't even know what we have. The only reason we give more than we have is because we need we we con we became a moon. We constantly need feedback. We have so much to give. You can't imagine. You can't imagine how much we have to give. We have so much to give. We're just looking constantly for some kind of feedback which is killing our um power. >> Why we do that? >> We have We have children, you know. I I I I spoke to someone last week. I'm sorry. Just a second. I I spoke to someone last week. He says, "Rabbi, how many children you have?" Because he had like three children. He's so overwhelmed with the three children. And um I said to Amber, I have 12 and I feel so lonely. Like I have I come home my home my home feels so small like how much do you how much do you want to give? You have so much to give. You children are looking for you. You know I mean I mean there are certain people who like to give for the children money to to financially build them. They don't have enough to support them. That's another way how to kill your children. Why you giving them money? Give them energy so they they can create money. You're giving them money just to make sure that they have no future. Give them energy so they should create wealth. >> Huh? Whatever. >> No more questions, right? We all good for tonight. Why? Yes. Go. >> What advice can you give on how to approach dating? >> How to approach dating? Dating >> dating is a problem already because I could speak when you're married already. When it comes to dating, what should I tell you? >> Do you build the business first and then buy house or get married? >> You know, this is a concept of this week's para where um But I'm not going to say a long speech. But the bottom line is that it really depends how you want to structure your life. There's a Rambam about it. And the Guru says, which means there's two type of people. Some people need to have everything. The Rambam says you have to have a job, you have to have a house, and then you get a then you get a woman. But there's a certain way of doing things, not the proper way, which is that you get married and and and you rely on Hashem that he's going to help you figure it out. In my community, I can tell you from experience that when I get married, I have uh I had nothing. Um and I know most of my community when they're getting married, they have nothing. and um they have no house, they have no uh money, no job, and they're still learning a few years. A big part of the oil are fig figuring it out. And actually, I think they're figuring it out better than those who wait it. And the reason is because they're more forced to figure it out. So, it really depends how much you're willing to figure out stuff. That's the answer to the question. somebody that's about to and they're in the process of dating either a man or or a girl. Sometimes you have chemistry with people who are maybe not as observant as you or more observant with you. What is the rabbi's thoughts about dating somebody on different observance level? >> I'm against dating somebody who has chemistry. I believe if you get married for chemistry, you have a big chance to lose that marriage. I mean 50% people who get No, I think it's more. I think um I don't know exactly the numbers, but I think it's more than 50% of people who get married for chemistry are getting divorced within the first year or two. Because if you're getting married for car chemistry, then that goes by very quickly and you're left over with nothing. So love is not being built on chemistry. Love is being uh built on giving. I have is from the word have which is giving. You know, I had a guy once he tells me that he's that he has a problem with his children. He he can't love them. I said, "Why?" He says, "Because I didn't have a chance to meet him before he came down to this world and had dating with him and I was not able to know his personality and his character. So, I really can't love my child." Yeah. Yeah, but by marriage you understand that concept. Only by this, you don't get it. What do you mean? He's your child. So I said, what do you mean it's your wife? It's your wife. So you need to date and to figure out who she is. So anyway, to your question, um, it's not about chemistry. It's about finding your wife. And listen, it's a hard question because today's days, if you don't have if your wife is not um on your path to to be to have the lifestyle you want to have, if you're a good leader, you can figure it out. But if you're not a good leader, then you're going to struggle with it until she's going to join you. So, you can do you can do one of the two. either learn on leadership skills or find the one that's already together with you on one page which might take much longer. >> So you said uh should focus on the chemistry when it comes to dating. So what should we focus when we actually go on the date? >> I think to find your soul. >> Whatever body Hashem put it, it's up to him. >> Yeah. The next question is going to be, how do I know if it's my son? >> Do you think you can answer the question? >> Huh? >> I think that um Hashem is answering the question. There's people are getting married daily. I mean, >> basically, basically the way to know is get married. >> Yeah. If if you get married, you know if it's your soul or not. That's an observation. Um, I always in look forward to your videos. I noticed that Rob always quotes Mish more often from the other. >> I think that's what my social media is doing. He's taking out the speeches. I said Mishi. I think because um he likes the part where I said Mishi because then it it's going to resonate to um >> to nonJewish >> to Yeah. to other people as well. But it's not a I I I whatever I say whatever comes in I say I wanted to give a sh once initially I didn't do it yet from just >> from >> that's where I was born and raised >> you raised you want to see the raw like where is that where >> I don't know they you mean live sham >> so I give every day in yeshiva I give shirum >> where's And it's a Williamsburg. >> Williamsburg. >> Um but um but the shim that I give in English is more to some people who come down to me and whatever they they cut out some pieces of it and they put it out there. Honestly, I don't even see it. So I'm sure it's good obviously but I don't even see it. English >> maybe if you get connected you know >> it's in my it's in my room so it's not so big 10 people eight people >> huh but maybe you should you should check in if you want to be a part of it I like to have people who who who give me uh good questions like they put they put me on challenge >> anything else >> you make the people want to give >> both I gave already a question about the mother-in-law I think it was a woman asking how to deal with her husband's father her husband's mother who is nosy in the marriage >> that's a very very big problem actually >> I think she should um I think she should have her husb probably her husband is not too strong that his mother could come in right >> it's funny was related to a man you said it's not a big problem but Here are you saying it's a big problem? >> Yeah. Yeah. Very big problem cuz she's a woman. What should I do? I mean, what should she do? Her mother is getting involved in her life. >> Have you balanced the whole thing? >> From the mother's side or from the woman's side? >> Both side. >> A woman is not supposed to do after she's married. >> She's not supposed to do. She's supposed to to to be. By the way, kib doesn't mean obeying rules. Means to give cover and honor to your parents. So a woman is supposed to give honor to her husband and if in the if it's taking away from any way giving honor to her parents is taking away from the husband she's not supposed to do it. A man is supposed to give cover to his parents regardless if he's married or not. But it's about covert. It's not about listening to to to guidance. That has nothing to do with kibav. That's a mistake. A lot of people think my father told me I have to. It doesn't mean that. It means honor them. Give them kawat. And that's what they're supposed to do. Give them kavat. Not more than that. >> So don't they say that the woman the husband has to also give to the in-laws cover? >> Yes, he has to give cover. But it's not the same cover as to your parents. But you have to give them cover. You have to give them honor. Another question, who has to be more religious, a man or a woman? The real answer is that in in fact most women are more religious because eventually because they they have more um spiritual they're not low they're not so um how should I call it they're not so much in the materialistic world as men are like busy with making money and and stuff they're more out there so eventually women are becoming more religious as they get older but definitely that it's not a question who has to be more religious. It's a question of you see in a woman doesn't have to do so much things as a man has to do because most of the time she's obligated to to to her husband and she has to work in the house. So she's definitely doing less mitzvot but whatever the husband does go and her that's what the says that whatever the husband does she's getting the same um blessings and I would like to bless everybody that you should all be lighting and shining to be a light to the nation and even in today's world you know I was thinking much of Shabas we do this Abdullah and there's a light in the room so why do we need this fire but the fact is that even in a in a in in and if there's light in the room we do the because you have your own fire that you have to your own light that has to shine And you have to make your own light to shine. So, Hashem should help everyone to get his light out and shine to the world, shine to his family and be a spark of inspiration to everyone. >> Thank you. Thank you.