Shua Naparstek: Going to Mikva in six easy steps

The six steps of going to the Mikva are as follows. I'm gonna break it down for you. You have to dress for success. That's step one. You've got breaking and entering. Step number two. Have a seat. Step number three. Skinny dipping is step number four. You've got the awkwardness which is step number five. and then the great escape is step number six. We'll start with "dress for success." I don't know about any of you but when I go to the mikva I have a pair - I don't know if you have a pair of those boxers - the silk ones, with the pink hearts that are awesome and feel great you don't wear those to the mikva. You can wear them around the house in the middle of the night, when you want to get a drink from the kitchen you're wearing your pink boxers but you don't wear them to the Mikva. You gotta dress for success. The pants that you ask your wife, "do these make me look fat when I take them off?" You have to make sure you're wearing the right pants to take off. It's like a whole - (something falls in the audience) Thanks for that. (audience member:) MAZEL TOV! And then you get to the mikva. and I don't know if you've ever been to the mikva in Chabad on Westbury it's like trying to get into a maximum security prison. You've got one inch steel bars, revolving doors, every single day - that's why it's called breaking and entering - every single day, you see - it's two bucks to get in - and you see a family of five a big guy he's in the bars and the kids are underneath one kid's head is banging into the bar trying to get through to save four bucks! Everybody's all in at once. And then you have the guy who just off the plane straight from Switzerland Zurich or somewhere and he's trying to get change for a Euro all morning. You know this guy he's trying to get into the mikva poor guy. You finally get into the mikva you get past the security You get into this fungus I mean, let's be honest here fungus infested, steaming, smelly place and then you've gotta find your seat and stake your territory it's a whole thing anyone who's been there knows what I mean and I'm not gonna get into details but there's the seated and standing aspect of the whole deal. People forget about personal space everyone all of a sudden forgets about personal space all of the rules that apply when I'm talking to you face to face are out the window in the mikva, for some reason. People get way too close. and you're sitting and they're standing. And where do you look? Is it eye contact? Or at the roof? I don't know if anyone else has this problem You get undressed you stake your territory you've got to put your pants on the bench in a way that everybody knows that when you come back, this is your spot. Cuz otherwise some guy's gonna come... so you stake your territory. Then you have to play this game where you're getting from the seat to the mikva. And there are these black tiles and everybody knows that there's no fungus on the black tiles. It's a fact, right? So we all hop and we have to do it casually, as if nobody knows what we're doing hop on the black tiles all the way to the mikva. When we get there and you gotta shower before, obviously. In some mikvas that I've been to I completely don't get it. There's a curtain. Have you seen this? A curtain in the mikva Like, "I'm naked! Don't come in!" We're all naked, dude! People close the curtain and then there's this guy who wants to borrow shampoo there's always one guy who wants to borrow shampoo Please return my shampoo! Have some shampoo We're not going there... You shower before you get in there Then you're by the steps Now there are three types of people you have to get by to get into the mikva. By the steps of the mikva is the guy who is he hears some really good Losh some good Loshon Hora and he doesn't want to leave. He's got one foot still in the mikva it's a little bit warm he doesn't want to get out of the mikva but there's no space you've got to inch by this guy who's just standing there, one foot in the mikva. And then you have the guys who are running the US political scene. They are the next level down. They know exactly what Trump should say in his State of the Union they know what's going down with the nominations for 2020 they know exactly what's going on. Those are the guys you get past but everybody wants to schmooze so you have to get involved with the conversation as you go down and there's limited time, you gotta get somewhere. Then comes the last stage I call them the permanent residents they don't move they're there, permanently they're in the corner there there was one guy he was in the same position when I was there last time and I haven't seen him around his wife and his kids in a long time I called the police if you see something, say something. I think the guy is dead. So you have the permanent residents and then you gotta dip you got to move the stuff the hairs... you make your space and you dip and as you're dipping this is a life hack, by the way that I just learned people like to toivel 100 times I saw this guy who stuck out his finger and then he just did this. It's brilliant! 100 times using just his finger You get out and then you come to the awkwardness. The awkwardness is the guy fully clothed this schlumpy and schlochy guy who come in his wife sent him to toivel some keilim you know what I'm talking about this idiot he's there, "come, help me" get undressed make me feel comfortable. what are you doing? it's the only place where someone could get undressed and make me feel more comfortable. Then you have the guy as you're going back to see if your territory is still marked there's this guy you know this guy he got into a good conversation he's completely naked but so confident and you're getting dressed and he's still there sitting and standing obviously and he's talking to you getting really close and he has lots of really good stuff to say and you can't stop the conversation so it goes on way too long plus there's a guy sitting on my pants every time on the pants! Like you don't know the rule. Everybody knows the rules I know the rules too because when I come to the mikva and someone gets too close I sit uncomfortably close to him so he gets the idea to move over because that's what we do. And then exiting the mikva is a pushbar There's maximum security to get in and a pushbar to get out and that's it. You get out of the mikva. No one ever thought of coming in through the exit door. And that's how you go to the mikva in six easy steps. Thanks, guys. That was Gevaldik. www.frumprov.com