Shmorg 8: Heimishe Comedy

[Music] you know do you know that pyrrol liked jazz music like jazzy music that's true you know you know how do you know how we know that because the sorrow Fionn served him rock and roll in MIT's Ryan either tell if a mother was dead or alive by what her children called her what's the difference between a dead mystery mother and a live mystery mother what is a mummy and what is a mommy in order to become a mommy you have to get married now that reminds me of a joke why was there a of crisis in miss Ryan for two reasons first of all because all the boys were in denial in denial and second of all for fits the Kleiser all refused to go out on November 27 2014 China passed a ban on puns this is not a joke it really happened for example the following joke would be against the law what is the first thing they do when a baby is born in China they put a sticker on its back that says Made in China this is the craziest law I have ever heard I heard of arresting people for illegal guns but I have never heard of arresting people for illegal bodies if I was live in China I would take a stand right now before things spin out of control today they're only banning jokes but soon they'll ban real things too first they'll say it's illegal for a chicken to cross a road then they'll say it's a crime to change a lightbulb before you know it till outlaw the in-laws and finally if World War two would be today Shanghai would allow Mir but they would never allow Parnevik part of it [Applause] thank you thank you I appreciate now this is really interesting a person's clothing should not be random it should match their unique tasket in life for example but what type of sweater should a police officer weird I'll pull over what type of pants should a DNA specialist wear jeans jeans with wit a g JP us what type of jacket should a fireman wear a blazer of course you know that how should a lawyer come dressed to court in a lawsuit and in a either said Tom what is a hoods favorite baseball team the White Sox [Applause] [Music] you know we should never ever change our customs I'm a nice literature boy and I was set up with a caseta Kagura I wasn't sure what to do should I sit in or should I go out I went to the girls house for the first time when she came to the door I asked her to stay or to go she told me you know my Rebbetzin says that marriage is all about compromise I have the perfect compromise I'll sit in and you'll go out wait then the Shrieker walked into the room the schwere sat down and asked me of Cuccia on the gomorrah i was supposed to be learning he asked me why don't you know the Gemara I said on chillings but it's very hard to be in the sukkah when you're in the bars now the Smurfs said if you don't know the Sergey well at least say horked I told him I'm show us I don't mean to be rude but this is the first time I'm eating your daughter and don't you think it's a little too early to be talking about of art thank you thank you so much you're the best I was once at a grocery where a bodkin was making jokes about food this is what he said where's the best place in Brooklyn for a date pomegranate yeah what do you call a raisin the had a nervous breakdown a crazy what do you call an apple that had a nervous breakdown a Snapple finally there was a can of iced tea that wanted to marry something in the grocery store what should it marry the answer is it's the iced tea is brisk that it could marry anything as long as it's a hot dog product everyone loves a ticket unless of course it's from a policeman if you've ever pulled over by a cop it's very important not to say something silly here's an example of something you should never tell a police officer I was driving 20 miles over the speed limit and was pulled over by a policeman the policeman said sir I've been following you for the past five miles do you know what you did wrong I said yes officer I know exactly what I did wrong I forgot to check in my rearview mirror before I stepped on the gas one time while speeding I was pulled over by a policeman the cop says sir did you know that you were going 25 miles over the speed limit I said officer I know that I'm speeding or have no choice it's an emergency my wife is about to have a baby and I need to take her to the hospital the cop was about to let me go when he noticed that I was the only person in the car the cop said how could it be you're taking a wife to the hospital your wife isn't even in the car I said shoots I knew I forgot something another time I was speeding and had this conversation with a cop sir you were going to 25 miles over the speed limit that will be a $300 fine and four points on your license four points Wow I'm excited how many points can I hear on all together you can get up to 12 points what's why do you want to hear in 12 points what do you have to avoids you get a bike [Applause] atif aslam we have to think assume that we live in free country where we can say whatever we want about our country in communist Russia maybe you can't say anything bad about the country the KGB would listen to your phone calls and read your letters if you said I wrote anything bad about Russia you would be sent to Siberia and this vid Abed place there were two brothers living in Russia one was called Vladimir in one was called Sasha one day Sasha decided to move to America Sasha told Vermeer it may soon be an America but I will still be worrying about our beloved Russia I will send you letters and I want you to write back explaining how our country is doing Vladimir and Sasha what if our country is not doing well if I were at the truth I will be getting into big troubles Sasha said I have an idea no matter how the country is doing only write good things but here's the cache if what you're writing is true then write in glue pen if your writing is not true then write it in red pen this way I will know exactly what is happening in Russia and nobody will get into trouble Vladimir agreed and Sasha went to America a year later vladimir eceived a letter from Sasha dear Vladimir how is my beloved Russia are doing is there enough food to eat is there enough milk to drink love Sasha as soon as Vladimir got the letter he took out a blue pen and wrote back dear Sasha life in Russia is great here in Russia I can buy whatever I want I can buy as much fresh bread as I want I can buy as much fresh milk as I want the only thing I can't buy is a red pen KGB were so concerned they even sent spies into the past and the future the Russians spent a billion ruble which is about $1 American on building a time machine this allowed them to spy on everyone that lives since chess you may purchase the KGB wanted to spy on New York City in the 21st century so they planted bugs in the water the KGB wanted to spy on get it in the base how big - so they mixed a spy into the Qataris what was the name of the Russian in the Qataris born it's Kushina one important [Applause] thank you I mean look at you the United States okay now not to get too serious with you guys but the United States has a serious debit problem yeah there are 16 trillion dollars in debt that's a lot now now what can be done about I mean someone had the idea let's mint trillion-dollar coins and use them to pay the debt you know is this what Obama perma'd when he promised this change four years ago the president told NASA that the astronauts can no longer go up in space this is the same president that refuses to enforce the immigration laws I mean he'll never let us go to the aliens but he has no problem with the aliens coming here the Obamacare website was a disaster I mean the president hired a bunch of technicians to figure out why the website you know wasn't working properly after checking it out they told the president mr. president it seems that the computers have a virus that is not covered by Obamacare thank you so much good night everyone oh [Music] this is so fun this stuff cracks me up the other day you know what while I was shopping on 13th Avenue I saw a sign that said we're open for the Small Business Saturday I was shocked absolutely shocked flattered casted I mean I was brought up that were not allowed I'll do any business on Saturday what's the difference if it's a big business or small business now I could tell you chopping and I thought of some good jokes you know where do they tell you when you walk out of Best Buy goodbye why are there no Walmart's in Iraq you know why cuz there was a target on every corner company when I finished shopping I went to davon Marv at a minion Factory a mini Factory is amazing i miss green factory is the only factory that's open seven days a week and is still shomer Shabbos thank you thank you so much thank you now the Venice okay is a great place for a vacation it's also you know one of the strangest cities in the world it's the only sit in the world where the street signs say no fishing in a regular city you know when a kid is late for school he says I'm sorry I'm late I missed the bus in Venice okay he says I'm sorry I missed the boat every town has people that help kids you know across the street in a regular city there are crossing guards in Venice to help you cross the street you got you got lifeguards and and on a personal note I mean the busiest street in Lakewood is route 9 okay the busiest street in Muncie is is Route 59 and the busiest Street in Venice his root canal route can I get it [Applause] [Music] good evening good evening welcome thank you now you know it ends with the wedding but but it starts with the first you know the dreaded first date now my first date ever was actually in a nice hotel which I thought would be cool you know a nice hotel is a hotel you know where everything in it is is it and everything about it is made out of ice now I went into a nice hotel so that just in case I say says something really dumb I would be able to say III don't usually say dumb things I just slipped now I walked inside the lobby holding an ice pick in my head on my date asked me why did you bring an ice pick and I told her I got very uncomfortable on the first date so I brought along an ice pick to break the ice sat down and I took off my coat and the girl asked me are you cold and I said now I'm used to this weather I just get out of the freezer [Laughter] [Applause] then in the middle you know my luck would have it it starts raining and you know while I'm on my date and I jumped out of my seat and I started running and there and the girl runs after me and she says you're not gonna melt I said I'm not gonna mouth puppet here hotel is I'm get out of here you know after that the chaton called me and told me that she's sorry but but the girl said said no you know I it seems she got cold feet [Applause] [Music] anyways you know nowadays kids learn how to text so you know before they even learn how to talk you know someone that I know had a three-year-old that wasn't texting as fast as the other kids in his playgroup his mother was so worried about that you're talking to a therapist the therapist asks the mother you know what's the problem with your son is he having a hard time with Korea the mother answered Wow like a kind of he's having trouble with the text I have an eight-year-old friend who downloaded the entire shots on his iPod really true story he walks around and brags that he's the only eight years old and he has shots on his fingertips there was a 5th grade review that was teaching his class harshest yes whoa he said at how she and I didn't accepted two tablets one kid raised his hand and asked Rabi and what if he didn't want to tablet could he have an iPad instead the next week you know cautious miss button the Rebbe taught the pus ik ayan Taha'a i in shame Taha Jane you know how he touched it an iPhone for an iPhone a bluetooth for a Bluetooth I am very good with predictions ok I don't know if you know that about me I am an excellent predictor I am a prognosticator par excellence I can predict anything in 2016 there will be elections in America that's not my prediction that's that's a fad but you know which party is gonna win I catch Meredith's party and they you know why after swimmers will win because he has a great slogan tired of the Tea Party try the wine party President Bush he was a mun who he made the first Konica party in the White House you know President Obama you know made the first cedar Pesach Seder in the White House President Africa Roche will make the first Purim soda in the White House and president House rares will get so drunk he won't be all tell the difference between our Osama and Barack Obama Laden go do after he died water fairy thank you so much gonna get right into it here you know what your car is not working properly and you say I'm telling you this car has got a mind of its own well you know Google just came out with a car that actually has a mind of its own no no really it's true the Google car really has a mind of its own it's a self-driving car the other day a driverless car crashed into a pole yeah yeah because - am i him nobody got hurt a driverless car was speeding and the bad news is that it was pulled over by a police car the good news is is that the police car was also driverless and on a personal note you know it used to be that every car needed at least one adult inside why because someone had to be the driver but now cars can be just for kids [Applause] [Music]