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Shmorg 7: Fiveish Comedy Mix
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[Music]
the best part of a family trip is
spending time with a kinder lock and a
Nicole och
now let's talk about family who had the
tallest family tree in history come on
humbugs grandson put out a CD about his
grandfather's death you know do you know
what he called it
when Zadie was hung someone actually has
President Obama how can you be present
if you haven't released your birth
certificate the president answered I'm
not the first leader that didn't show
their birth certificate you know who is
the first person not to show it
Astrea Malcolm knowledgeable man Obama
is that reminds me of another perm joke
you know why is the Shabbos before poor
him called Shabbos sucker you know why
cuz it's the last thing you'll remember
for a long time
[Applause]
thank you so much New York I love you
thank you thank oak Chi cago thank you
thank you Chicago let me tell you the
story of Pesach Pesach was that's a
ridiculous thing I've ever heard
Wow I'm telling I'll explain he wasn't
the whole suka but but he was part of a
second
you know paisa and his brothers became
the walls of a circle the smother that
the smartest brother became the misery
font and the dumbest brother had no
choice but to be the doorway because
because he was missing screws that's why
now pacer felt very bad for his stupid
brother he told his smart brother let's
dive in to a Shem that our stupid
brother should get some brains because
you know before we start diving though
we should we should rip our shirt and
Pesach smart brother [ __ ] why should
I rip our shirt we're not diving and got
the coital
well we're not diving at the castle but
we're topping with for the Kaiser
yeah a few minutes later pay sucks
father ran into the sukkah and said I'm
warning you boys you better not rip your
shirts they cost a lot of money
Pesach was shocked he said oh how do you
know we were planning on ripping our
shirts faceless father winked and said
you know what they say their walls have
ears regarding Shabbos food drove the
other day someone came to me with four
shila's about Chavez food feed he asked
me since five ish I always want them
which type of vine I should use for
kiddush I said not so simple
it's my focus between Rashi in the
Pertamina he asked me a second question
there are so many different kinds of
fish in the ocean how does the fisherman
know which fish he fills the fish I said
the gefilte fish are very easy to spot
there are the only fish that swim around
here with a carrot on the head and I
look them for the big effect a treatise
on such fibers what came first the
chicken or the egg
I said of course the chicken came first
you know why because the chicken came a
Friday night bought the egg didn't come
until Shabbos Monday
then ask me a fool question Cassius he's
at fivers I always wondered about the
meat in the tongue the Franken I know
that Franken comes from a cow but I
don't know which part of the cow the
Franken is from I said it's right next
to the Kiska you can touch me I know my
beans I am very good with predictions
okay I don't know if you know that about
me I am an excellent predictor I am a
prognosticator par excellence I can
predict anything in 2016 there will be
elections in America that's not my
prediction that's that's a fad
but you know which party is gonna win a
Kashmiri oceans party and they you know
why after swimmers will win because he
has a great slogan tired of the Tea
Party try the wine party President Bush
he was a mun who he made the first
Konica party in the White House you know
President Obama you know made the first
cedar
Pesach Seder in the White House
President Africa Roche will make the
first Purim soda in the White House
and and president housewares will get so
drunk they won't be able tell the
difference between our Osama and Barack
Obama every purchase FEMA give us I've
been water line and go do after he died
water fairy it's very important to have
a bait house - you know I'm saying the
reason is because you kids work too hard
if you don't have a way to release the
energy budgets it's not giant or as we
say she was just wrapped you can plug
without an outlet either chill out or
burn out you know I'm saying you know
mice is nowadays is becoming very
high-tech you know you come on shots on
a Kindle and that's your masseur man
well whatever you want however this is
the problem if you take away your shield
about his hands my sir he won't be able
to work myself that means although Tory
can be high-tech it will never be
hands-free
that reminds me of a joke by the way I
was about to leave but I remember this
is one more joke how do you kill you she
wishes flies what with your Shiva
charade okay thanks let's let's let's
truly talk about mitzvos you know what
when my when my dog turned thirteen you
know he got a bark Mitzvah when my cat
forgot he was very jealous so he made
him a instead of instead of raining cats
and dogs
it was laning cats and dogs particularly
you know just meant a lot to everyone
you know but no one had more not us then
then dr. Seuss I mean for the first time
my cat was actually in a hat at the park
and you know the tachi dog got up to
speak you know what he said he said you
know it feels like yesterday we were at
his bris we are now at his Bar Mitzvah
and before you know it we'll be headed
off ruff ruff ruff at his bris of course
we did named him Khalif after his
grandfather Kenneth you know Burke
Hashem he's living up to his name I wish
I could take credit for his [ __ ] you
know but I haven't I have nothing to do
with his success you know the real
credit goes to my sugar my sugar sets an
example about how to act like a real dog
[Applause]
[Music]
Berto Hashem you know we're privileged
to have Cthulhu
unlike the wise men of town you know
igudala have real solutions to our
problems but but let me talk a little
bit about the wise men at home
everybody's favorite comers you know
there was a marrow had a big problem
arrows house had a tiny hole in the in
the roof you know every time it rained
drops of water would drip into his house
oh sheesh Merrill that's the Wiseman of
hell Wiseman of helm what should I do
about the leak Wiseman said I'll tell
you what to do you remove the roof once
the roof is removed I promise you it
will never leak again oh there was
another guy over the encou his name was
Beryl he was very absent-minded he was
always forget you know before Shabbos to
shut off his alarm clock and and while
the alarm clock would ring the whole
Shabbos his family want to be able to
sleep so it was a big it was a big
problem so he went to the Weizmann have
come he said Wiseman of Callum what
should I do
the Wiseman told them you find somebody
with a very loud voice that can drown
out the sound of the alarm clock and
have this guy scream on top of his lungs
as long as your friend is screaming
you'll never hear the alarm clock
there was once a gas shortage in the
village of Helmand because of the
shortage aligned for gas was 10 I was
long Asha marrow had just filled up his
car and he drove out of the gas station
however instead of heading home he went
right back to the Andorran after he
filled up already and he went back to
the line you understand so so his friend
Beryl asked him he said snap oh I don't
understand you just filled up your tank
you already beyond empty just melt
explain listen very closely it's true
that right now I'm on full but by the
time I get back to the gas station I'll
be identity again silly man so one time
smell was driving on the highway when he
got a flat tire he didn't what to do so
he called triple-a the operator told him
listen the first thing you have to do is
you got to pull over to the shoulder you
got to be safe safety first and once
you're on the shoulder you should turn
on your blinkers are your pork blinkers
still working such douche Merrill says
yes they are no no they're not yes no
yes no oh they are
I'll see you next time thank you thank
you
oh it's wonderful to be here thank you
so much I was by someone else's rush to
shine tonight yeah and saw a lot of see
my name on the table
there was an apple and there was a
pomegranate a brand-new tire for his car
I I told my host what I understand the
Apple I understand the pomegranate but
why do you have a tire he told me he
told me every Rosh Hashana I put a brand
new tire on the table
it's a sinner that I should have a good
year on the subject of car you know now
that we're talking about them what is
the difference between a horse and a car
one is a Ford and one is a farad there
was once a horse that became very sick
that the farmer took his horse - the
horse doctor of course the horse
doctor's name was the horse doctor's
name was was dr. Seuss and dr. Seuss a
look at the horse until the farmer Don's
money yeah house is in stable condition
that's all for me tonight thank you so
much take you've been great I love you
New York
[Music]
[Applause]
and safer schmoes you know we're reading
safer sham O's and we read all about
them it's surreal you know the mystery
parents they were very liberal when it
came to thinner they let their kids do
whatever whatever they wanted but the
only thing they were Mach went on was
water fights in you know either mitts
three and we're so Mac but on water
fights because they were afraid it would
turn bloody after we landed we began
counting down the days until Cibola
cetera
and and after counting Spira a guy I
know goes over his wife and he asked her
what's for supper tonight and she says
well last night was meatballs and
spaghetti balls out tore up all the sick
people got healed so many you didn't
actually got better
you know if they started calling it they
could out of the car get Mount Sinai
Hospital but it only works
you know this whole Kabbalah cetera
Mount Sinai Hospital thing if you took
the full dose if you wanted to get
healed you have to take two tablets
[Applause]
[Music]
check out this story okay this is what
happened true story what happened when I
applied for Obamacare okay thank you for
calling Obamacare what's your name sir
my name is five ish do you have an
English name sir yeah sure
my my English name is is Bill are you
married sir well I'm not a single the
following question is optional what
basically are you white or black I'm not
white I'm not black I'm green how old
are you sir
who said I'm old I'm actually brand-new
I just came off the printer this morning
where were you born after us mints if
you're an American then what are you
doing in a Chinese auction oh well I was
born in America but my costume was made
in China did it I've done what what did
you say I can't hear you the reception
is terrible
well I'm not known for the reception I'm
known for the
[Applause]
coming soon to a mailbox near you
there sure gets awesome this year check
it out kinder lock convinced your
parents - what