Shidduchim - What Are We Allowed To Say Rabbi Yaakov Zev Smith

what you have to say this time opportunity you like to eventual master forever when he was marrying with his youngest child he called the talmud who was an elder and he goes you know you wonder what am i thinking i'm marrying with my last child because i'm thinking of you that was his gewald gonna see us oil by his the height of assembly thinking of someone else well this is not my last child and i'm certain very far from heimsville it's his level of obvious israel but i was thinking you know i just went through oh and we'll go through it i just finished the parachute of one of my children and i realized that sometimes one of the most challenging parts of the cautious ivorgam kikriyasiyamsov is when people have questions for example i'll give you a simple example we had the childhood yeshiva one of the bakram was the matsuya and god but as a young child he had jana machla and he had obviously many years of remission and there was not a trace of it now he's holding by the partnership shidduchim does he have to disclose that information i mean no family will even start with him even though he's a mature because like why what are any trouble for maybe you should not say anything especially it looks okay we had a question where someone told me you're allowed to lie when it comes to age or better yet now the third says you're not gonna lie so if the lie we have to clarify is that true or there's a problem in the family there's a divorce in the family there's a uh show and bias issue now if you notice with not the question is not about a third party someone that knows about this does he have to go and disclose the information today's study is when the boy or girl or the parents of the boy or girl are aware of certain problems when do they have to volunteer the information one of them two when are they not supposed to and as we'll see there are a host of questions that again the boy or girl or the parents are aware of is there any time to share the information is is that the right approach now i you must realize that we talk about a very serious islam sometimes it could be neighbors that's if you don't say sometimes it could be the iss of a noah fooling someone and at times by not disclosing information it could be an emissary toys i know someone who was married for a few hours literally what shot he got married then after he came home and he saw his wife had and i quote he's lost in a medicine chest of different medicines he had no idea anything about it and she was obviously very seriously ill and he asked people and you know why did anybody tell me he goes no we don't talk russian higher and there bonham said he has such a strong case that he probably doesn't need to get even he could demand all the moments back and doesn't he get it was a mechatrois i mean there were serious flaws that no one told them besides that again as we know points out that the tire doesn't just say don't lie but stay away from lying so is it could it possibly be that you're allowed to lie for a siddha and even if you don't say anything if you don't do anything but again withholding information could be a question of i know and mecca toys but then again you have to get married imagine a person has a problem and it really doesn't impact the marriage but there's something wrong if you'll say something there goes the idea no one will even consider you and what i found more serious of a problem is when you do say something it travels and gets worse and worse and then it becomes like you know from a little problem to a serious problem but the question is so what is the right direction you know a person has to get married and very often by disclosing information that ruins any chance also i saw on this declaration we're going to chuva in evaneza cement as well points out if you do have to disclose information so endless of a safe after all everybody has some constraints how do you draw the line how do you decide what information that you have to share what you don't have to share and the embassy is there's another factor very often you could say listen the other party if you really wanted to know about this you should have done your homework people do very extensive research if you didn't look into it if you didn't inquire you'd offset an option you didn't show interest why should i tell you if you don't care why should i kill and the has a similar approach he says if someone is not atomized and you know it don't go tell the other party oh that boy you're considering he's because they could have been quiet on their own they could have heard them or estimated and if they didn't that he would have said so we definitely see if the other party doesn't do any research it's their fault but the problem is there are some histrainis that are kept secret and no one wants to find out knows that no one's supposed to find out and you can't find out so the question is is there an obligation to share information is there a head to to lie is it true heinous or like someone told me i gotta found this in earlier sources check sheikha deva and kasef naito he lies and makes money on the deal is that true so as you see we have quite a challenging agenda we're talking about a potential issue of sheker and there are three possibilities outright lying is one possibility number two not the lie not to say a word but you hide something the martial someone asked me he was getting older and he wanted to die is he a black he wouldn't say he's 20 but he looks like he's 20. so that wouldn't be sheker but that's outright geneva's dust he is being proactive and doing something to fool the other party and then the third level is just chevaltasa you don't lie you don't do anything misleading but you keep the information confidential you don't tell the other party the problem that you had and the truth is every question in shidduchim is a question of darus i mean you know there's a famous you shall me in because if you talk about an individual so you harm the individual you could ask him if you talk about a family you hurt the family forever people won't have shaykh and people won't be with them you can't ask michaela from diaries that never happened because of you the person ruined the siddha he might have affected virus you can't ask michelle if i'm darius that didn't exist because of you so shidduchim questions are always a question of dairies and the truth is i was indeed afraid to talk about the subject but i think at least we could present the issues and a person should follow the wise advice of assailable but i think the first step is it's not a question of yahshuas or ethics it's a question often of nephasis so the end this is alpiseiko it's the old cloud that the ends don't justify the means you want to make a off that's true good but are you allowed to do an aveda to help make a mitzvah how could a person think by doing the wrong thing he'll end up doing the mitzvah which doesn't seem right the ends don't justify the means or you want to use the more yeshiva term mitsuba you can't do an aveira to get a mitzvah but especially regarding shidduchim the gemaran is still the master mizavik i saw in the safe a mice ish on the gracious said although we see today a terrible hest upon him but there's times that we see protests and that is when it comes to shidduchim and anybody who is there to make sudukum sees the unmistakable hashem through that seems to just really direct the shidduch so here's the point something that's so much beyond hashem do you think the bansha needs your help or better yet does the version need your help with doing something that's less than honest and takai saurabh khatsuku levenshtein's quote in the safe and wife who was very upset when people do things that are less than honest regarding the shidduch he says this doesn't make sense it's something that we realize that everything is beyond hashem khalilah to think that by doing something crooked you're going to make a especially to lie you know that could not tolerate the word sheker if someone said shaq here he say zog nisht emes because by him shekker the word czecho was nibble pen it's the very antithesis of oh yeah this guy check it okay we're not in that moderator but at least to have an aversion to lie seriously but there's another problem with lying or concealing information and i saw this in a wonderful save for hashida or quote that he says when people fool others in the shidduch in other words one doesn't tell the other no the boy doesn't tell the girl et cetera we're not talking about outsiders but the share information is a psychological insulin bias because eventually they find out and they have a tiny how could you not tell me and he says the the thing that destroys the is not the khasarin but it's the fact that you violated my trust you didn't tell me how could you not tell me and the embassy says this is to say this why did you activate leia because leia fooled him she didn't disclose her real identity you're talking about yaakov avinu i had a sinner because leia fooled him what should the average person say i also sort of ayashiv the same point he says if you don't share information he says very often that's the biggest steer at the shalom bayes and memphis i found the much earlier source to say this in the tough zion written by one of the restrained a person should not hide kasrinas of his children when it comes to because he says because if not they'll say how come i didn't know this how could you not tell me and they'll call it a kadushi toys now the word kidushitais is a very frightening word that means there was never a condition in the first place so in other words besides that it might not be right it's not the wise thing i guess i could quote the the adage crime doesn't pay first of all lying could be wrong and also it doesn't pay but then again you have people say this story and this heter so we have to look to our um our gps and let's see if there are any sources in tyranny vietnam that yes there is a heter to lie for a siddha so it comes to mind right away one of one not the first one of the first shahranam in history aliyah who was no simple person he was a very prominent person and you look at hamish rashi you look in the shell and parshas kaiser the malvin they all learned absukum how eliezer used such cunningness and just trickery to deal with love miranda she already says he first gave the nizam terrifica and we told the story to soil he changed it because he was afraid and again this law has a whole stickle and say fishland parishes the album has a brilliant stickle you learn from eliezer how careful he was how he did things with great khachema no so you see the first shiduchan history involved a lot of myrma but of course it's not araja because eliza was dealing with a bandit whose name was lovan the second name was arami so lovin had to follow the possible in ike's tispato when you're dealing with a crook you have to act like a crook otherwise they end up losing everything and the truth is the helium let's say you know that is promising and he will not keep his promise so as an outsider you should go tell they cheat each other and the way the household seems to write even if one side is cheating well the other side don't get involved because they're gonna let them do what they want so there's definitely a concept if you're dealing with a crooked person so let things go so again it's hard to bring uriah from elizabeth avrom who is dealing with a loving arami to a regular normal shidduch where there's no trickery you know you have a khasarin maybe you have to say so what is for lying is but before you apply this make sure you learn the study properly in ishmael if someone has a child getting older he could go over to a big shotgun and say i'm going to give you uh triple your amount for your fee if you read my daughter ishida and it works out and this works all you have to do is give the regular fee why because there's a three of everybody has to try to register so basically you were just encouraging me to do is kiev a second allah is in heaven as a kuf bay sith baabov there's a shidduch that came to an impasse because no one wants to be an arya for the xuber so the mahabharata based on the gemara it's a very significant a person that signed as a co-signer doesn't have to really be there if need be why because everybody is to make sure to do him work now again before you apply this you have to learn the sugar when it applies but here we see how important it is that the make sure do can work however as we just said that's different because there as an outsider we all have a kiev to get involved you know the shidduchim crisis is not the problem of the singles it's the problem of clause israel the marshal in the shabbos of points out that the gemara says that a person after he lives his years will have to give answer a few questions now that's generally not sometimes not in a person's hands to be makayam person can't have children so the marshal seems to be bothered by that question marshall says that the question is did you get involved and with reading shidduchim for those that need shidduchim i wish i had more time to discuss this but at least let this be a heartfelt appeal you even have to get involved with radishes it's difficult and that's why it's a very uh narrow market but this is achieved and these two allah is underscore that obligation imagine you go over the shotgun promise him double the amount you'll have to give him because he has to do it or cosine but don't worry the main thing is we have to make sure him happen so that's one allah we learn from these two allah is to get involved but beyond that is there a heter to life or should across the board not yet what is an interesting source is actually a mishna in bhavan i'm sorry and it's it's it's amazing as we'll see a question a cigar like this there are so many sources in our time we have such a right you have to just find it listen to a mishna the mystery is talking about someone that's selling an aved and sin so the the rav on that mishna you want to sell an avid don't first you know dolly him up like they say dial him up selimazi is now what does that mean so the gemara explained and this is gabaskin in in if he's an old avid don't first die he's here he looks young or are you selling an item don't do it in a way that looks new if it's really used because that's the very seriousness of genevas does i know you're selling an old habit and he looks young on that mishna the ibids and our guys in the back of the kimora says but it's poshit you're allowed to be my farches your daughter if you want to marry her off time even if she's not pretty you'll have to do whatever you can to make her look good and he quotes the gamora in the durham about a robby small that wanted to marry off a girl so he murdered he made her look nice in other words you know that if puts in an avid when you want to sell him but a child that you want to marry off you'll have to do whatever is needed i mean i think many people relate to this you have a son who's a big time of hochum but you take a look at him and you say oh he's not going to get married you know he every time you see him he looks like he came right out of the spin cycle of the washing machine that's where he looks he's not going to get married so what do you do he said come over here we got to get you ready you buy a new hat you buy a new suit yeah you get them ready so the ibis is saying if puts in an effort is awesome all you puts in a child for a [Applause] and afterwards he adds but if there's a mom you can't conceal the mum because ain't i not good lemme and then he has another example if an older woman wants to get married and she cannot die or here to look young because that's inaugura so here we see a wealth of information first of all geneva's das toys is real but the ibis seems to be making acrylic oif puts in and is okay i guess if you know that uh the meeting is called by show so you had to prepare for the show see a lot of puts in for the show all he puts in his mutter but dying here is awesome what's the shot it's very positive because the boy could look good variety if you you put some ice he looks good so when you dress him up that's the real him hopefully his wife will make sure he continues to look presentable but you're not doing anything that's misleading this is him you're getting him ready but to cover over a mom that you're not correcting the problem you're concealing the problem i'll give you an example a girl goes on a she could put on makeup because now she looks good this is the way she could look but she has a terrible blemish and she puts on makeup in a way that it's not noticeable and after the marriage the cross is in for a surprise he has a terrible blemish so you didn't correct the problem you concealed the problem that's no good so the killing has to be between preparing for sudah if puts in or hiding says when there was an ammana that couldn't find the shidduch rashi he would say oh that woman she's my relative oh she said and she got married now how could elijah lie it's misleading i'll say you can't make it right for me who knows what he did is right if you look in the yag rama wonder was shayna mandelkin what if did was actually recommendable it was a virtue he did something very good so here you see i've lied to make a but again you think about it it's not a ryan because really he wasn't saying anything that this is my daughter my granddaughter what he was saying is i'm going to be there for her she's my relative you know do you think she's on her own she's a broken arm no no i'm the goddess with al-gabov and that was true he was lying he was willing to be behind her and support her and be there for her this i once said a while ago an attacker found i learned the sugar this week the divine malkiel and verve similar base this is the volume that was reprinted pretty recently someone wrote to the divi malchio you're allowed to lie and say you're you're my yokes even though it's not true from this gemara says it's not a riot but the way he takes him such a with such a clarity he says there is a there's a tremendous myla someone has a yikas zeda an autism the father you know that means the child is a good child to say that when it's not true that's a mechatronics because you don't have the the others that you say you had eve wasn't saying that's my daughter or granddaughter she's my relative in other words i'm i'm keeping an eye on her and that was true mama's like i thought the shadows he was saying it's my daughter so to lie about yikos is wrong but to say that i'm going to be there for now how do you say i'm going to be there she's my relative relative call israel i rave himself whatever it is so it's really not much of a raya inya nenu but what is probably the biggest source of all these shylus is an incredible gemara i mean every gamer is incredible but the the pastors if you learn it and you don't focus on it you miss the point the gemara nivam staff mem hey this discusses a tragic shiloh of an akama basket is uncertain what's the status of the child a child is born you know if there's a illicit relationship a child is a mamza but this is going it's even worse so the gemara poskins and that's that the product of an aka balbas israel the child is kosher it's not even a mamza it's it's better than even a a asia's ishmaesanam because it's not a mama so nora has two stories one and one three of them that someone came to me could i marry a regular girl so he said yes but not here because no one's going to marry you go to a different city no one knows you and don't ideal don't reveal your identity and get married both have you huda rava recommended this child to do that what does that mean you have a problem you allowed to hide it who then rubber were recommending hiding it but that's just part of the story the stipela in killers yaakov in yavamis mandala and the old print it's similar has a real tragic shia lab underwent a very serious sensitive surgery and the shadow is up to a doc or not a question of his classical article la maison the bonham pascan he's muth lovable so yes the stapler cannot have to reveal this information if i say the word that word the is all over i won't even get the first base so the styplist said you'd have to say anything why so he says since they're abundant pascan that you're not possible you're not possible right good ideal from the morning of thomas marin obama has also had a serious problems and accomplished israel how could this be no one want to get into a marriage that the boy had a problem that could that according to one sheet is that daca or but then again go in this revolt if you buy an item in the store and it has a slight defect you create screen mag toys i want a perfect item so you're right because you don't care which item it is you want a new item i don't want a damaged item if it's not what i wanted i have a full refund but you do him nobody is perfect everybody has customers now the the real challenge is no one's going to start this off because israel not to me up to a doctor not for me but once you got to know each other and the shidduch went and now after they look at the big picture this boy has wonderful miles but never he had a surgery and hopefully he's okay now they won't give it up so quick when they see the miles and they get connected and there's a certain relationship that they enjoy each other's company says the stapler there's an um that now they want don't want to break it up so why don't you make this that happen and that'll be part of the big picture in other words you could buy a new item a perfect item and therefore if it's not you claim that toys but there is no perfect sugar that's where the stifle explains the gemara and that's where he explains his sack then he adds a second heter that here it's not a question of sheker it's only geneva's dance and this diaper says you could be saying the is that geneva's that's only us on it but basically the main heter is this fundamental understanding of the imaging of vamos that even though in everything else this would be a major mecha choice but shidduchim a person has to compromise you have to be willing to give in and now that he sees the big picture let me fray it wasn't geneva's does now according to this i could i could answer the question with this question we began with we began the question everybody has crestronis how do you draw the line big or small i mean why don't you have to reveal oil i snore at night this that parrot says no that's this you say everybody has constraints that's part of the leap of faith in marriage you do what you could do and you have to understand some things come along with the big miles but what comes out is that disciples saying even a major khasarin you don't have to say if it won't impact the marriage now the problem with this is that this is far from muslim the snipers yoshi and this is printed in the aorus and conduction of aleph he says i had it out with the stapler and i said the raw is not around because the case of acaba basis is clear the child is cautioned so if it's cautious question what do you want more but these are bottom pascal's mother but there are still sheep that hold the tips and the amistad divine maquil that i mentioned earlier way before i mean way before the stipela has come out the same child i don't know exactly and the the shroyal wanted to compare to maria vaness and the dirham kill says is not a demian because in the murder of mr child discussion yeah you don't like it so argue with the british election but basically the child is kasha but and you can just say we passing we don't pump but it's a more of a serious issue and the second taina which is really an important timer is i saw this the abstinence satisfying others say this also that the marine valves i could understand differently he told him go to another city now what happened he goes out of the city i'm looking for like okay let me marry you no one asked so if they don't care you don't have to care happy to get married you don't find the way it comes from but in the case of suadaka no one knows that his private personal business went through no one went through a harrowing experience so they're not supposed to how they expected to even find out and that's why this china is a very stark katana it's it's it's the case of your vomits is sort of either they didn't ask you about it so so then they don't care and the third tina and this also goes before the stapler the immediate remedy i reckon the two of us hailing base the end of koftas discusses a problem with that that a boy has and he says the gemara yavamis is not a rioja to all cases because the martial ivamus was this boy akan baba sisro product of akbar byzano is going to go to a town and they're going to marry him he says that i could understand because a girl table tandoo is happy that he should have that's why you don't have to speak about your years because you have the up hand because don't forget it's a boy's market but if the problems with the girl there's no rioting more in your vomit you've got to conceal information so the whole gemara is only talking about the girl that's getting the defect so to speak also he says in the gemara and yvonne missed the story it will never be revealed the boy's true identity so it won't disturb the marriage in any way so why not it's not puzzled the girl's happy and it won't have any impact on the marriage but in a case of a defect in a shidduch that will resurface later avada you can't say now i must mention who you have to say and you can't reveal you can't hide that information also what i must mention is even the stifler that has this big cooler is based on part with the fact that genevieve is asking this to the rabona but this type will be muay that to make an outright lie and sheca is still an isotorized even a in a world of sheker but shecker is still at the riser quotes it was surprised about this sack how could you hide information that will probably be revealed and cause a rift in shalom bias how could you do such a thing so la meister it seems that this type of disciple himself concludes this whole seminar i wrote le hair um but obviously what i think what i think i'm right about this is we could use the stipula in the to the first child that i began amitsuyan with allah miles when he was very young he had jana he obviously is in full remission because he lived i think probably 15 years since then does he have to reveal that that past history that he had yeah so the doctor says he's healthy anybody else i maybe maybe everybody's living maybe maybe no one's guaranteed so this is a historian that will not impact the marriage in any way he doesn't have to ever tell the other side so they won't even know and this is something that les man de paulo glacier at least leni has died he doesn't have to say it doesn't impact the marriage and i was happy i found in the canaiboy sim it's interesting that's very mahmir that you have to you have to reveal every bit of information and then hey the dallas he revisits the question and he has hirata and he says if there was a makha a serious macho but again there was a full recovery don't reveal it and he says i have a riot the governor and yavamis and then he adds araya the safe hasidim they can they can't hide information because it's going to end up resurfacing is mashed with a lonely surface so keep quiet and then it brings our yavitz so you see our tire is connecting your binding that's all they have just you know put the pieces together so again to the first question we began if there's a problem that has no impact on the marriage whatsoever you don't have to say but i must mention that realistically speaking if the boy had a macho and people knew about it it might resurface at a later date what is more recommendable and i saw this rav moisture we'll soon see replenish the levy i've stamped the crisis and the number two this all say if you have a kasarin that you really don't have to say but if there's a chance that it will be revealed then let the couple meet a few times and once they see that there's a potential then you could say by the way we had a problem but it's under control now i would i got to be more specific don't say i once had a macho because the person will probably faint and there won't be a to talk to come prepared for that meeting come prepared with a letter from a doctor information exactly what the michael was exactly why you're convinced it's not a problem so it's sort of like um number four to the marker let them eat a few times let the siddha be on its way and then you could give this information that seems to be irrelevant okay vaccine there's no few times you have to do it in a tactful way but again like to use the expression get your foot in the door and then you could reveal the information why push it practically you don't want someone saying i just heard you were sick once how you dare not tell me you violated my trust so you don't need those type of troubles but in allah a problem that will not impact the marriage in any way and again it won't be revealed you don't have to say now i also want to mention because again i have experience with mine torah sometimes has a current major kasarin so the parents decide to play the same game let them meet a few times and then we'll say experience shows it doesn't help a real a real emotional problem let them meet because he looks great and we'll tell them it generally does not work what it does do is destroy the balcony more and more he goes out you know typically three times and then all of a sudden they say no three times no you know if there's a real concern you have to find a a a a specialty shotgun who deals with these but i'm talking about a concern that really doesn't affect the marriage that really is not a problem if you want to be extra cautious you will reveal it at a later time hopefully the shidduch will go now let's discuss a number of other shy lists first of all the question about age so i sort of salman is quoted you know lie about age but i must say i did find my kilim a baron cutler is quoted as saying you're allowed to say the the person is two years younger than they are and the first three is who said after two years you're allowed to make the boy a little younger you know it's not uh kitsuyama it's giving him extra two years he's back 24. now i think the savara is that la maison the information is totally irrelevant for siddha he's mature enough right maybe a little older okay but it's not going to impact the marriage so why ruin the prospect of a now if you're talking about an older single and it might be beyond the child bearing ears so that's a hussaring god do give leeway of two years you're allowed to you know misrepresent i find out that we're live but that's really how to do misrepresent the age if a girl is older than a boy so let me tell you let me give you a clarification typically the boy is older than the girl which granddaughter has in the car the ramon is safe from the hiring as a genius the murray says that there's a basketball rings out bass playing the planey that's inconsistent you should say plenty of the playness or bass playing of the band playing sucked around more because typically the boy is older than the girl so when the boy is a pliny she's still a bus plane she didn't get was not yet born because he's she's not here so there is a source but then again there's absolutely nothing wrong with marrying a girl that is older than you i'll tell you a mice and if iceman that was 11 years old and his father took him to visit the isis seizures josinski and they were talking about this child is a girl old and a boy so the 11 year old i have a parents his father died when he was the mother respecting his mother died in childbirth so if he had a sister she had to be older than he was posted right because he was born when they both were you know nifty the the murmuring like in america sunny boy he's much younger so if you're older sister married rich lucky there has to be an age difference now i once mentioned this concept here and one of the eden that is no longer here but he told me he knows this story personally someone came to me a vision he had a like a great shooter but the problem because the girls hold them so the rebel says robertson kim schnell kim schnell come quickly we have a big problem because what's the problem he told me if the girl's older it's a problem you're four years older than i am so you have a problem you think about it his children is eight o'clock now fear developed i mean the belzer have a scleroderma the saturn heaven the visions that he did pretty good with the problem but the point is that the mice said the age difference is not a problem i'll tell you one more story to reinforce this a good friend of mine his parents have seiko and they saw a good siddha who was older than him and they didn't tell their own son about her age just meet them and it was mama's holding by engagement and he found out she's older she ran to her palm what should i do everything's great but the girl's older so pam told these words what's a few years in a sea of happy years and he's still delighting in his sea of happy years so this is something that has to be mentioned you know people say but how am i going to live who yin shall be if she's older so i told him if she's younger how you do it anyhow i haven't figured that out so let's just keep it as it is it's a problem that has to be discarded it's not a problem that's where maybe a lot of lie to the boy she's younger but if the sugar is good that should not be an issue now the maester health issues are something you know health issues emotional issues i'll give you a cloud for both of them once there's a bank of a certain child line says is there a cloud for it he goes yeah the grass the class division as a doctor that's a wise statement health issues are something that obviously impacted marriage i i know someone he married a girl that was terminally ill and no one told him and when he's when he was advised to give her a get she was lifted i mean a tragedy you wonder what are they thinking they weren't thinking there are certain materials that impact a marriage that can't be there can be concealed sometimes the people don't know about it you can't say you'd offset enough i'm afraid to mention any names because i'm sure there are people here that have some of these maples and are doing very well but the typos are indian again it's not a macro that had that that necessarily will stereo marriage but epilepsy diabetes um ulcers crohn's disease should be disclosed i'm not saying it's a soren it could be a wonderful marriage but these things have to be put on the table and decisions have to be have to be made emotional issues are also very challenging because there's a wide range of them some very serious ones there are some mild ones some past history the bianca's cloud is a very good cloud mistaken cloud but a person has to do his homework and get a doctor's approval of what the condition the current condition is and that should be presented and then a person could make a right decision obviously a problem with having children is a serious problem that has to be clarified very carefully now someone asked he's allergic to certain foods so again that's sarin but it's you know in the in context in the big picture you know the says that someone's not a historian because syria marie so someone has an allergy to certain foods okay you know bunny people have allergies but if there's a serious allergy i mean imagine this the first thing you have the first one to get to the castle what do you want for breakfast i made you uh bread i have eggs and milk no i'm allergic to wheat products milk products and eggs what do you want for breakfast salmon or steak oh so this is a you know interesting sugar something as serious as that has to be disclosed but minor allergies no you know you could wait or you know as long as you're understanding rav someone either donated a kidney or lost the kidney with one kidney and it's not the end of the world but that has to be disclosed i saw an interesting shy lipstick as almonds said if someone has hearing only in one ear it doesn't have to be mentioned because he said that shabina rav was in one ear called yama no one even knew now took exception to that and he said that's now it's not a major hazard so again it has to be a prize and to see taka what really could affect a marriage i'll tell you how this you're here in the semen but the the girl does not have a sense of smell i mean this matzah there are people that have this problem so he says that's uh that's an impediment for marriage because she doesn't know if the food is burning or not you know the mercy you ought to give a guess if the woman burns the food so you can say consider that a mum that you have to notify the other party so again you think about it you know if the boy doesn't have a sense of smells albertson but if she can't cook she there's a fire in the house she doesn't know so again it has to be really you have to use all intellectual honesty as well i must mention this because it's something that has to be mentioned if if boy or girl have an addiction to technology lie delight a hundred times i say never 100 times over not enough how many families were destroyed because of addiction to technology to internet this is the khasarin god that has to be dealt with but certainly cannot be concealed and what you're allowed to say and see you're involved if there's even a hashash of our courses because even even a small amount is deadly and we could definitely say that regarding the evils of technology how it wreaks havoc and yiddish homes even it has to be clarified this is considered a kasaran atsum that no one is willing to overlook an interesting question of of a baja or a girl that had passed available and hopefully they are well beyond that they are now they're they're serious says if indeed they're beyond it they mamas are totally balichuva you don't have to say i asked for palm ones he said ah a very significant now this again we're talking about they've been i could use that term their full remission they're way way beyond any whatsoever it's only i just mentioned this for moisture and it was insistent and failed if and she's no longer absurd that has you know different ramifications and that information must be revealed speaks about a child that's adopted a wonderful child but pumped have been adopted so even though you know there are wonderful children that were raised adopted and their mom is to pay heir of claudia's throat but he does write that that information has to be disclosed if it's not the natural parents first of all it definitely will surface but basically he says this information should be mentioned but here we could say like we said earlier let them eat see if there's a chemistry see if there's a potential and then you could mention it and then it's part of the decision family problems is something that unfortunately is a very common sheila there's a brother that's so of the derek or whatever at risk so unfortunately we're holding a situation almost ever aimed by isla and i'll quote the words if you have just one child that's not the way it's supposed to be it's a testament to the greatness of the other children look how they persevered if there's a number of children so that's that's hard but basically the fact that there's a child with the derrick is not information that will impact the siddha or the madoba the the police can say in other interesting hopefully this is i mean unfortunately i should say this is a it's a common shiloh there was a grandfather that was affected by the war and the kafirs were you know destroyed but that's something that you know we can't blame those that went through the muhammad so these are exceptional cases but they're a clown up of course it is a problem but you have to know what's considered a question about the courses the yes the boy is knows that his parents have shown by his issues of course the girl doesn't know so with typical he said if no one knows about the problem so it won't affect the marriage if it's a big enough problem that will affect the marriage you can know others know about it also so if others know about it they have to find out about your job so that's something that basically which is a truth if there is a serious strong bias issue you could be sure that others know about also and the other side will find out about it if the boy or girl was were once engaged and say a short engagement it's a broken engagement so that i did see the absolute zalman and this is quoted in the gimbal on the test that's an indian chamomile you have to use a lot of seiko how to how and when to divulge that information because very often a boy or girl fell into a terrible they found that in time they you know they broke the up it's not no fault of theirs at all sometimes it is their fault so when you tell someone oh he's a great boy but he had a broken engagement there goes the you have to know when to say it and how to say it but basically here's we will use that asa let them meet a few times and then when you see this potential you can say by the way there was a broken engagement i happen to know i spoke to this rob and you do your homework and present a finished product a finnish report about the problem if there was a if the boy or girl were divorced they were married a short time that of course you have to say or moisture really of course you have to say that for many reasons the last group of questions are when a person wants to be sort of proactive and do something misleading i'll tell you a mice there was a boy that was very overweight and he decided a little before he started to do him he went on a crash diet and now he looks wonderful but as he told me don't worry i'll get mine to come he's dieter like i got so that is wrong not advisable because i must say you know obesity is this you know i once someone showed me an article the second most common cause of preventable deaths in america is overeating you know palm ones struggle to get these words out of his mouth he said people are not careful what they eat they dig their graves with their own teeth that wasn't this type of thought but that's a that's a concept that has to be taught about him so he's overweight and he's just doing it together get married and after that right after he's gonna back you know to his old ways that's that's that's how it will definitely have a detrimental devastating effect but if someone tucker loses weight seriously and they keep it off you should know it it's a tremendous myla of a person that does it but that's something that's fine but the duel with the you know it's mama's dieter that's again that avada will have a big impact on the marriage people are going to be upset how'd you do this an older bachelor dying his hair to look younger of course is obviously a problem the question is a younger boy that has a blotch of gray or he grade prematurely so you have to realize there are two different questions here because there's a question of geneva's das an older boy dies is he looks like a young young boy he's fooling people even the young bachra who is young dying this here is not geneva's dance because he's young but there's an another issue of so bash is a share for itself but one thing is clear that the older person dying is here just to look younger that we saw earlier from the ivis the ivor says for zucchini here is awesome and there's a source way before the ibis they say them and simmons someone advised someone there's a great in a different city but she's much you're much older than her just die you're here and go get marita and his response i will not do that i'm old let her know i'm old so no doubt about it dying here of an older person just to look younger is a geneva's dust and say no geneva's das the other question but it looks unsightly with a little bit gray so then you come to the shia la yilbas and someone said i'm young he says you know you say do it for sure i'm saying to look good that's why you'll bush if the person take is old misrepresenting himself is a question of geneva's das had we saw a sheila about a girl was an older girl but the boy didn't like the color here i don't want to see the color because some people had that color but he didn't like that color here so she wanted to dye her hair a different color so this is a much easier child to deal with there's no question of geneva's das because she's young there's no question of the ill bush for a girl but the question is what do you do after your marriage so she said she never goes with uncle she will never go uncovered here in the house so the embassy is if indeed she'll be careful to keep the color here that she died it call your me what's the problem but you have to realize one more thing that if he finds out that he married someone with the color that he strongly dislikes you know he's in for a surprise and you're in for a surprise so i might pick a diet and say listen i treated it and you see i fooled you you know the first few times we met but certainly before the shidduch is consummated it's good eye to mention it i mean we should give you a a feeling of how the police came were careful with this sheila a girl lost her hair not because of a mushroom not because of treatment or machila pogba and she invested the parents invested in a human shaytal human hair shaper which grabbed there's no shoulder for a sula so everybody agrees it's mother and she looks as good as she always looked the dad says after three or four years the hair will grow back but at the end of him she has to wear this toupee the shadow now she's holding by a shirt you have to tell the boy that there's not a natural hair and she said she comes from a family they don't cut uncover the hair even in the house and and does though china she the husband won't see all of a sudden suddenly without any here so similar he discusses first of all if baldness is a moon because if it's a mom there's a mechatronics forget about whether he cares or not the mechatoys and then he says by an issue it's a mum gamer and if if by karma gamma and says also halev neuter the godo something like this he says it's not advisable you're talking about a shaytan that obviously is very good looking but you don't fool people in the shidduch then he says but i would advise you to let them eat a few times and after they meet and it's going good then you could say this is a temporary problem again come with your the information clear it's not a mahler it's not from it but that will definitely grow back we had a shiloh boy was very short and he wanted to wear shoes that have high heels i must mention you know short bob person is not a khasarin yes once so he said diamonds are also small or a different time he said you know they asked that the boy is short he goes one second could you count him into minion is he there i mean is he invisible okay but if he's there and the third time he said many guitar israel was short and we was like here are moisture feinstein and baron cutler was shorter than his robinson so i'm not accepting that it's a problem but the boy was worried a story that someone came to mrs salman he wanted to wear high heels but it's a question of geneva's dust so this salmon had a lambda approach he said she wants a tall boy with the heel high heels you look tall so what's wrong sir if aaron claim that zelma's nephew says no because she thinks you are the way you are and with high heels you'll be even taller and she wants that so mr bella says if someone else is right because if she's already thinking about him wearing high heels so she should look now if he's already wearing high heels so either ask it on officer and one last question someone asked me he has uh glasses but he hasn't looked in glasses could he wear contacts but he needs uh some type of prescription so i think here we come to our original you saw it if puts in versus misleading i think it's common now that people have glasses and some people wear contacts a girl or boy that wears contact is not hiding their need for glasses if the boy has a very very high prescription and mamasan with glasses it's obvious he's look it looks like he's wearing a you know you know these something that's magnifying glasses and it's obviously and he's trying to hide it by wearing contacts that's an issue if he has an unusually bad eyesight but if it's normal eyesight or you know like when you need glasses for it that's basically all he puts in and again hopefully we'll should all be saying and make this i couldn't talk to you it's like between winter and summer we have rabbi smith she already back but we're having also the summer showroom this whole week bar park williamsburg flatbush monday tuesday and wednesday evening tomorrow night monday night smith will be speaking flatbush in the boston issue nine o'clock there will be the show here 9 30 every single night monday tuesday and wednesday the dinner vegan chateau which was supposed to be this wednesday in philadelphia is being pushed off in a few weeks because hashem see because of the initiative the covet the covet so in flatbush we can't make it this wednesday we'll have it better from borah park in a few weeks we don't want to give out information yet but we're asking everybody to please participate by sponsoring the shia helping initiators our bots to all over the world taking a ad in the journal call each other office right now at 718-851-8651 okay hey it's hard to give a secret today but it's important first of all every question of shildah for the question of day rice and it's best to ask ishaila or best remember the kolas is no cloud but one thing we could say that things that the other party could find out on their own that's common knowledge to come and say i have this problem that problem things that are common knowledge the other has to find out do his homework and if not it's the son of a kibble but there are cloud there's no header to lie i think that's pretty much a cloud we saw regarding age but even that you should clarify you know something that they're going to find out they have date of birth and it's two years your date of birth and what what they the truth is is two years off but the starter should have they're probably allowed to not divulge the right age think that there's a real resentment it's best to disclose it because even if they you didn't say it they're going to find out and again a major problem of soul and body is when the when the parties find out afterwards how did you not tell me how did you do this to me so it's best to start something and then the rest you'll clarify when it gets closer i if you're dealing with a ramay like love like like alien with love and then there's certain atharium it's not shecker but but there are clown with erlah people you have to go with the ms we mentioned the importance of reading shidduch we could stress that more today it's a of crisis people have to get involved there's a very big difference between if puts in which means making them presentable or fooling hiding a khasarin or you know removing a khasarin by dressing up the boy or girl properly the gemaran baba bastar eoi did not say that she's my child or grandchild he says i'm connected to her and if i'm gonna support her which was true so i wasn't really lying the real issue is the gamora and yavamis with murray says and evade and a child of an acaba bass israel does not have to disclose his hijos and it seems the hector of that gemara is limited it's only because it's crosstalk holidays it won't affect the marriage because it's a good boy and most importantly the other party will not find out that democrat was a guy so then in that case is the gemara's mother to go make a up without disclosing information but if there's a serious problem and say well we i gotta talk about that it's not a problem if other abundant hold it's a problem that that problem should be presented again in the right time a child was when he was young he was sick but now he's in full remission that should have could be a good and does not have to be disclosed until a little later the age at most two-year difference they allowed to say two years younger than the person is a girl older than a boy is not a hassarin health issues emotional issues but there are klaus should be revealed at some time allergic to foods depending what type of foods if it doesn't really disturb the normal flow of marriage it doesn't have to be shared if it's a problem but of course it should be one kidney or hearing in one ear is enough of a problem that has to be revealed they lost a sense of smell again that's something that for a woman is a problem an addiction to anything whether it's technology of course drinking or smoking is a problem that has to be stopped but certainly has to be mentioned during a shidduch a i should have mentioned and someone pointed out to me and ate satova when the makotana meet so that's concerned and we'll also be concerned today listen my child is 100 perfect can you say the same about your child i want a hundred percent perfect healthy child it is hemming and hoeing you know that is a torah but once you do that at least you get the information that you need without compromising on health or emotional issues an adopted child is a good child but it should be told a sibling of the derek is unfortunate but doesn't impact the marriage that's not information that has to be shared so unbiased issues in the family or even in the parents if it's not something that will disturb the marriage does not have to be disclosed a broken engagement should be told at the right time overweight and a person just lost weight just for the siddha is a form of deceit that's unacceptable dying here to look young is a problem dying here the girl dying here that's not a problem of la ilbas but again has to be you have to be careful that it should not be violating the confidence of the other party and high heels is not a problem contact lenses but there are clouds also not an issue that has to be revealed