Shalom (Peace) is the medicine to all problems - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] the Torah says dark-haired Arcanum equality with her Shalom all her paths come in peace and the Torah is only about Shalom but living in peace and happiness so if something doesn't work out means that it didn't come in peace now some people say no I was very nice if the intention the thoughts the everything comes with peace it's very rare that it's not gonna work out so there's no black and white answer because every family is completely different the dynamics of the entire family is totally different from one household to another household but when it's done with love and with the real love and respect and with no ego and with no agenda that's when it actually effects if you go to a person and your words coming out of your heart they will go into the heart if your words are coming out of your mouth same thing with actions people or people are sensitive they can feel when you for real and when you're not and you know nothing happens overnight if you're trying to change a situation in a home can come how overnight hey it's extremely important that there's some type of a plan if you if you building a building you need some plan whatever you do need a plan you're going on vacation you need a plan you want to change the entire behavior of the house has to be a plan because you can't just jump in and say okay that's it and the plan has to be done with the heads of the house I'm talking when it comes to a household to a family and the plan has to be done equally with the parents and if there's arguments there then the parents for the sake of the entire house have to find the equal path and if they can't find it find it by themselves and they need to bring somebody that is aware to say okay do you have to do it like this and like that there's a way to do everything but really when the intention is coming from a loving place and most houses households is always going to be some type of argument the husband says a the wife says be that that's a normal thing but that only happens when when there's no real real love to the calash Moho because if I come now I also have a wife and Moe Hashem and she's a wonderful wife by the way as two human beings we always come to some point that we disagree on something it's a normal thing but I don't let the disagreement escalate to a point that it will cause a crack in the house and I know that sometimes I have to give up or give in sometimes she gives in and since the dynamics of the relationship is is a very respectful relationship there's no ego in the relationship then yeah sometimes you have to give in sometimes you have to give up okay I'll do what's good and if it's done the right way when we you include a shame in everything then the relationship with the disagreements this agreement is just because you're two human beings but it's like a puzzle you can take many puzzle pieces you can't be stubborn and stack a stir and puzzle pieces in the wrong place the puzzle piece will be fits only in one place and that's the whole dynamics of relationships that you're trying sometimes to force the puzzle piece where it doesn't belong you have to remove that puzzle piece bring a different puzzle piece till you get the picture to be perfect so you know it's it sounds like a cliche but the word man in Hebrews ish and the word woman in Hebrew is Isha they have two similar letters Aleph enchain and the man has a youth and the woman has a hey you than the hey they of course it represents Hashem you'd kick and if a purse if a couple they include a shame in everything that we do then they behave like a man and a woman an issue Isha but if husband Rome they take a shame out of the equation then you'll take the used in the hay out and you only left with elephant Sheen which is fire ish and nothing works out so if everything is done according to the the opinion of the Torah that Torah and it's done with love and respect to the kailash mahal it's done based on what a Shem wants me to do then that's the problem with most people is that they have their own agenda and they have their ego they don't say what does a Shem want me to do they say what is convenient for me so when the person knows how to surrender then all the paths the limited materia the paths open so yeah there's no such a thing that you know like in the movies that the the marriage is about romance and walking into the sunset hand-in-hand that doesn't that's not the reality the reality is that it's a relationship of give-and-take and when you know how to lower a little bit of yourself assuming that the other side is functioning on the same level then the household is functioning in a very healthy way and then you can reach to the goals that you want to reach because really the kids the kids they just tag along and that's the problem of a lot of parents that unfortunately there's no parenting school but the kids they look up at the parents and they learn everything from the parents everything that you've seen your kids that you don't like it's because you and your husband did it no I'm not talking directly to you I may be looking at you it's not even a mirror it's a role model so you know I teach my kids I want to teach them to lavish em you can't fall kid so if my kid sees that I lie that I cheat right disrespect that I scream that all these things then he's saying religion lie cheat screaming and not for me that's not for me kids you can fool them I'm talking even in a reverse three-year-old so you know I shared it once that when my second son was born so we have a custom that the Friday night before they were the breach but we now we do our like a meal coach along Sokka was like you bring a lot of a tree and everybody comes and gives you a blessing it's a nice nice custom so we made a big event in our home many many people from the community came and suddenly this big rabbi from the community comes Wow was a bigger big honor big respect and of course everybody throughout the night is raising their cups your son should be a tell me haha your son should have uhm I should be god-fearing your son should be a good student your son your son your son and I was kept waiting for the big rabbi to say something and finally when he took the stand he told me I'm not gonna give you a Baha I'm gonna give you a blessing I'm gonna give you advice whatever you want your son to be you be you want your son to be successful in school showing what it is what it is to learn you want your son to have loved to a Shem show him what it is to have a Shem want your son to go in the morning to pray you go in the morning to pray now come and wave hands and and pretend and think that that's what he's going to do so most of us we don't give the right example to kids kids are really smart and they don't look at things as they are and go to the room and analyze it a four-year-old doesn't go to the room to analyze what his mommy told him right away so the worst thing we do is we lie to our kids all along from the day they understand we lie to them that's why most people don't have a Munna most people their struggle in their relationship to shame is they don't have belief I mean Hoffman from breslav says close to 300 years ago the test the problem that we're gonna have in our generation right before Michelle comes is a test of a muna nobody's gonna have a muna they might play the role but there's no emunah and i and i once told a joke but it's it's kind to understand really what's going on and there was once a jew became very close to the Torah beat them like a bow Chava Hazama Java and you know four to three years like like a semi-trailer pushing forward adding all these mitzvoth he was like a shining star at some points you know these look from the heavenly court and they say okay it's time to give this young man a test it's not always easy we gave him two three years to catch up now put him a test it's it all there in the heavenly Court and they decide what's gonna be the test so one of the judges says let's test him with money okay the only agree and then the next day he loses five dollars you know what was his reaction biochem I call it over everything is for the best everything that Hashem does is good Hashem is so amazing kappa' rata for note oh it's amazing Wow no heavenly court was impressed Wow look it is even Twix nothing so one of the judges they said okay how about we bump it up a little bit let's see you know five dollars there's no other money let's bump it up let's see how he reacts the next week he loses fifty dollars the same reaction oh gosh everything is goodness shame is so amazing Kappa rata vu note everything is good Wow they were very impressed so another judge comes and says let's let's say that's it push the pedal to the metal or wherever you say that lets all the way the next week he loses fifty thousand dollars suddenly not everything Latoya suddenly it's not comparative or not suddenly why who share why are you doing this scene in one second the level of a muna went down to the toilet so when something happens something small happens in my life or Shem is amazing then a little bit of pressure if you want zeroes in the amount Oh suddenly my Munna is this big I don't believe so when the test is small it's very easy to believe when the test is pressed too much then Maya Munna goes out of the window so the reality is that why don't we have a Munna why don't we have belief is because the baby is born with a hundred percent belief there's no problem the component of believe we're born with belief because the soul Caesar Shem has no reason not to believe in Hashem believes in a sham 100% now the baby comes out to the world and after about a year they start having a little bit of some some Sifl they start understanding and then they meet the harsh reality that their parents start lying to them and and they it shakes their system what Mommy just lied to me how can it be because the reality when the babies comes out they have a hundred percent Emunah and the proof to this is when you feed the baby you give the baby something to eat you think he asks you oh whoa whoa this is my dad what are you giving me is this oh you are you putting something in my mouth well hey babe the baby believes all right no no questions not looking for her shell you come to take the baby home boy wait baby doesn't say let me consult here with my friends maybe give me some reviews some testimonials are you good mom maybe another good mom maybe I want to stay here so the baby believes everything but after a year or two the parents start lying to the baby and we constantly lied to our kids and then their sibling and then their kindergarten teacher and then their the first grade teacher and before you know it a six to seven year old doesn't believe anything because everybody lied to them does you tell your child if you're not gonna clean your room you're not gonna get desserts he didn't clean the room and voila you got dessert mommy's a liar so and then you see a teenager after that half of their life they will lie to you tell them there's a God in the heavens not such a thing you have to do meets what no I don't believe so I go to religious schools Orthodox schools in big cities I see the teen the teens they don't believe nothing they might follow because they're afraid of their parents half of them in the 14 13 15 and they out don't believe in nothing so society now we have a problem with Emunah we don't believe in nothing and and the the the blame is beginning with the parents so the child sees what's going on a parent screams at the child they don't go to the room and says oh I know my poor mommy she has stress and there's some financial problems and I'll forgive her the kids takes this scream and right away develops this animosity and anger towards the parent now if the parent is looking like this then the tow is also like that and then it continues and it grows and it grows and you know most people they might behave a certain way but the children they see everything and there are many households you'll hear like the door knocking suddenly the father I don't know it's a guy that comes to astronomic I'm not home but you're home so Sammy was like wait a minute it was my father's fake my father's a liar he pretends to be so kind and good but he lies he tells me to tell on the phone I'm not home but you are home so we messed up our kids fines and then we expect them to be good kids and to love a shame and to run to show and to and when they they don't we get upset so we are the architects of larger or of our kids so it's not so simple to to make that everything is smooth and how we want you have to have a good plan and mainly you have to initiate and to show and to give example other than that you can have zero demands to the kids and you can't expect the household to function in a nice way when the top is not acting the right way so hostile Shalom it's not to to blame somebody in anything we all want to have a nice smooth household it's a lot of work not so simple and of course you know when you come to any type of relationship with an ego then that will never never work it's very easy to start a fight and I'm right and then I wanted to do a beer according to my way and you know what when things are going hand-to-hand that's when you get the best partnership because it's done together husband and wife that they know how to together do things and there's love and respect and and and you know I don't know the word in Hebrew believe but they're giving in and then the relationship is very healthy healthy relationship and it's very hard for us to give in no it has to go my way if it has to go my way then it's the problem with my ego [Music]