Transcript
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We all
We all want a happy life.
Unfortunately, some people have they
perceive the happiness in their life is
based on on nonsense.
Some people think that if they drive a
Mercedes, they'll have a happy life.
And some people think that if they go
twice a year on a cruise, they have a
happy life.
But unfortunately, the reality is
that we run after different pleasures
and after a certain amount of time of
disappointment but not getting these
pleasures
or even that I get
what I thought would give me pleasure
and then I found out that it's actually
not giving me pleasure
then I fall into a a disappointment. I
get disappointed.
But we were created
with a system that we constantly want to
have pleasure.
That's how we created. Before you ask me
why didn't God create us with a system
that we just want to do good
so God created us the same way that the
body has a DNA, we have a DNA to our
soul.
And God creating us created us with a
system that we constantly want to have
pleasure. We are creature that needs
pleasure.
So we constantly run after this
pleasure.
The problem is that in this world
there's a misconception what is
pleasure.
So when I grow up and I glued to a
screen
and all day long my opinions are based
on what the screen is showing me
then my perception of the The is
distorted.
So I think that if I have a lot of
money, that will bring me pleasure. And
I think that if I have a beautiful car,
that will bring me pleasure. And I think
that if I travel around the world, it
will bring me pleasure.
And I, unfortunately, our generation is
programmed by the screen,
and I perceive that what
my life should be is what the screen
shows.
And that's the reality.
And a lot of people are looking at me
like, "What is he talking about?"
But that's the reality.
That our generation, and the generation
before, and the generation before,
constantly was looking at the screen.
So, 50 years ago, it was a very small
screen, and it was without colors.
Now, it's a very big screen, and has
colors.
But the reality is that for about 50-60
years, we are glued to screens.
And unfortunately, the industry, the
industry of the screens,
is an industry of fake dreams.
So, and this is called Hollywood. I just
came from Los Angeles. The the land of
fake dreams.
So, we look only long at the screen,
because we want to shut our our problems
down. We don't want to deal with life
right now. So, I glue myself to a
screen.
And then the screen is
starting to plant in my subconscious a
bunch of junk.
So, kids look at the screen, and they
think it's normal to be violent, or I
want to be a hero, because the guy on
the screen, he's the hero, but he has to
beat everybody up to be the hero, and
then he will win the beautiful girl. So,
the the whole stories that we see since
we're young, it's
paving our subconscious.
And our entire reality is based on this
fake reality that we are being
programmed.
Our fashion,
our thoughts, everything.
So, even if the screen is not in your
home, then you have these big screens on
the sidewalk, on these big billboards.
And a lot of people think that the
billboards Oh, who's looking at the
billboard?
You don't need to look at the billboard.
Just by the fact that it's in your view,
your eyes register everything
and goes into your subconscious.
Like now you have this the election.
Everywhere you go, you see these signs
everywhere.
One might say, who's looking at the
sign? I'm really going to vote for a
president from a sign?
No, but just the colors
It's a very smart psychology in all the
campaign.
The colors and the names and the
flashing
is feeding my subconscious.
And when I come to make my decision, my
decision is already based on my my my
subconscious.
90% of my conscious is subconscious.
5% is I don't even use it and 5% is my
conscious.
But we constantly and we totally operate
by our subconscious.
That's why what we hear,
what we hear what we see,
who we talk to, every little thing,
where I live, is constantly registering
data in my subconscious.
So, with that said,
most of us are
brought up
with a screen, a box in my living room
and in my bedroom and everywhere we go
there's a screen
and a big majority of the day most human
beings are glued to that screen.
Doesn't matter what they choose to see,
but they're glued to a screen. Are you
referring to TV? TV, iPad, iPhone,
doesn't matter what.
Anything that has a screen, a computer,
anything that you're looking at a screen
like a zombie like this
for 2 hours. Somebody talks to you.
You need to go and make to the bathroom.
No, no, no, I'll wait cuz I'm now glued
to the screen. So, it matter what shape
the screen comes in.
Like this, like that, like this. It
doesn't matter. We are glued to screens.
Just and just understanding the impurity
that's in the screen, and just if you
just have to take something out of
today, then just understand that the
screens
have a very strong power of impurity.
But, that's not what I want to talk
about. I want to talk about
relationships and marriage.
And unfortunately,
most people, their understanding of
marriage and any type of relationship is
because of what they saw in the screen
for 40 years.
So, people think you ask now a
2-year-old,
well, 2-year-old is not going to answer
you. A 10-year-old, what do they think
what is marriage? Oh, we're going to be
holding hands all day long, and we're
going to walk into the sunset together,
and before we go to bed, we're going to
kiss each other and say, "I love you so
much." And cuz that's what they see on
the screen.
That the husband has to be a very
muscular man, and he smokes, and he's
macho, and he beats everybody up, so the
woman falls into his hands.
And in the mind of the man, she has to
be gorgeous with luscious long hair, and
that's what we see on the screen. You do
not see on a screen a movie of a fat
guy, bald,
and his wife
is is, you know, in the kitchen washing
dishes. That's not what the screen shows
you.
So, what we perceive from the screens is
totally distorted.
So, we think that a happy life is if I
have a convertible car, and if I have a
yacht, and then I go on vacations, and I
wear beautiful suits, cuz that's what we
see on the screens, the successful
people.
And then I run after that. 99% of people
will never get it.
And then I fall into depression and
sadness, and I'm I'm a failure. I didn't
do this, I didn't do that,
because I'm trying to achieve something
that is not even in my scope and I think
that my happiness will come from these
things.
Going back to the screen.
The screen runs the show.
And the problem in our generation that
now the screens are everywhere. When I
grew up, it was a little box in the TV
in the living room that barely had
colors.
Now even the little kids they have
screens. Everybody has a screen. Every
normal home has seven of them. Big ones,
nice ones. With nice sounds.
And now it's in our hands and it's in
our car and it's in the room and it's in
the office. It's just screens all day
long all day long you're looking at
screens.
And the screen is holding the most
powerful power of impurity.
That's regardless to the topic.
But going back
we as kids
we have two role models of what marriage
should be.
The screen
that everything is perfect and then my
parents
that everything is not perfect.
And then I have a big issue here. In the
screen the marriage is very nice.
And in reality it's not.
What's going on here?
So I choose to believe in the screen.
The reality is that we grow up and we
kind of get programmed how things should
be.
That's why young people when they
approach the time of dating
then they come with a completely
distorted idea of who's my other half.
And they come with like list of demands.
So young people when they come to me and
then they tell me maybe help me find my
other half.
Okay, well what are you looking for?
Minimum 180,000 a year.
Minimum.
6.1 minimum this minimum this. If she's
5.7 and not 5.8 don't even tell don't I
don't want to see her even.
And if she's like this or like that, if
she's 97 lbs, not 95 lbs, I don't want
to meet her.
Why? Because it's a very long list of
demands.
The reality is that when you go through
the list of demand of a young person,
that doesn't exist even. That creature
doesn't exist.
That's why when a lot of people come to
me and they tell me, you know, maybe
help me with the shidduch, and we go
through the list, I look at the list, I
tell them I'm very sorry, that person
doesn't exist. It does It does exist
before the marriage and then it Yeah,
but in reality, that person doesn't
exist.
The problem is
that we approach the marriage with a
dream, with something that we want to
happen, and with an ego inflated like a
balloon.
So, these are the two problems right
now, that I came into the marriage with
a list of demands
and a very big ego, that I deserve
everything.
What happens is that the child grows up.
I mean, everybody dreams of their
marriage. My 3-year-old, she gets
dressed up, puts all sorts of shmatas on
her.
And then she takes like a little flower,
and then she calls my 5-year-old, and
she's like, you're the you're the
husband, stand here. No, no, no, stand
here. No, go go give me this. She bosses
him around. You're the husband. No,
you're not a good husband. She calls my
8-year-old. Now, you're the husband.
Stand here.
Now, you have to carry me. Now, you have
to do this.
So, she's already in her mind already,
she's already getting married. She's 3
years old.
And she's bossing around the husband
already. She didn't even get married,
she's already bossing him around.
And she is the husband Yeah.
So, the 5-year-old is like, no, no, no,
I'm not going to be bossed around. You
I'm divorcing you. You go take your
brother. You go take your brother, you
can boss him around.
So, the the 8-year-old is a nicer guy,
so she bosses him around.
But the point is that she's already
playing the the when she's is 3 years
old.
Now,
my children don't have the screen, so
they they already lost 90% of the
poison.
Now, it's up to me and my wife to show
her
and the rest of the kids what is
marriage about. Now, marriage is not
about holding hands, and marriage about
is not kissing, and not about walking
into a sunset or sitting on a cruise
with a champagne with your hands like
that. That's only in the movies.
Or before the wedding.
I don't know any couple that drinks the
wine like this with the wife. I don't do
it with my wife. Just just take your
bottle or cup, give me my cup, let's
drink it. I don't need to do it with my
hands now like
It doesn't work like that. Who wants
holding hands? It's sticky and it's
sweaty. I love you. Stand next to me. I
don't need to hold your hand.
You know, it's like you know, here What
do you have? You're at 20°. Who holds
hands? It's all sweaty.
So,
our understanding of marriage is very
wrong, very distorted.
Marriage is to refine me.
That's why I said, when you come with a
list of a demands and a big ego, you
have two major problems. First of all,
remove the demands. Second of all, pop
the ego, then come approach to the
wedding, to the marriage.
The Torah tells us very clearly that we
were created
for the sake of creating unity by two
opposites. That's the entire Torah in
one sentence.
Taking two opposites and creating unity
in them. That's it.
You open the siddur, every mitzvah,
every prayer before you say, what do you
say?
For
the sake of unifying
the male and the female part of the
The Shekinah is the female part and Kutz
Brihu.
That's it.
The Torah was created to do unity.
Everything in the Torah
is to take these two opposites and to
make them live together.
And you see that right when the Torah
started was Adam and Hava. In the
beginning they were together. They were
glued. The Zohar says Adam was in the
front, Hava was in the back. They were
glued.
But then Hashem says, "What's the point
here? What type of uh challenge I'm
going to have here? Let me separate
them. Let me put in each one of them
different opinions, different desires,
different thoughts. Let me make them
completely different. Now let me put
them together."
And you see that the first commandment
that God gave us
very simple.
He didn't tell us right away to put
feeling or to keep Shabbat.
He told us be fruitful and multiply.
Pru urvu.
Get together
and bring more kids to the world.
That's the first commandment.
Only 2,000 years later we started
getting commandments. For 2,000 years
concentrate on your marriage.
Now the story in the Torah is that Adam
Harishon was created, then Hava was
created, then the story with the sin.
Then Adam got so upset, he dumped Hava.
130 years he gave her a get. "I don't
want you. Move away. You made me sin."
130 years he was by himself and then he
went back came back to her.
He did chuva and they got they went to a
marriage counseling and the guy told
them, "Make peace. Forgive her. Forgive
him. Hold hands, kiss, and move on into
the sunset and we have a world to
create. Forgive each other."
So Adam Harishon forgave her and she
forgave him and they kissed and made up
and everything was good.
The point is that the Torah is teaching
us that one of the main reasons why we
were created is marriage. All the
mitzvot are important. Learning Torah is
very important. But the marriage is the
core for everything.
Because from the marriage, first of all,
I do something very godly by taking two
separate entities and putting them
together.
And with that, I'm able to bring another
generation.
That's what why God created the world
for so many years. When you think about
it, you could create the world for 100
years. Why do we need 6,000 years?
Give 100 years, let me finish it here,
and that's it.
The point was the constant recreating
another generation, another generation,
another generation, another generation.
And that is only can be done with
marriage.
That's why the first commandment in the
Torah is get married and be multiple and
be fruitful.
The Zohar says that a person before he
gets married, he's half a person.
Pal Gagufa, half of half of half half a
body.
Once you get married, then you're
already a whole man body.
The Zohar says that before the soul
comes down to the world,
the man and the wife is the same soul.
It's one soul.
Before it's ready to come down to the
world, there's a special angel that cuts
the soul in half.
The female part of the soul goes into
the woman, the male parts of the soul
goes into the man. Then one falls into
Phoenix, one falls into New York, and
then after 20 years, 25 years, somebody
makes a shidduch, they see each other,
oh, a spark,
and then they decide to get married.
Listen to the questions in the end if
you don't mind, okay?
And assuming that they're getting
married the right way, meaning that the
process from the first date till the
chuppah is kosher,
meaning that they don't touch each other
while they're dating, they don't have
relations while they're dating,
and many other things, then they get
into a chuppah and the chuppah is
kosher.
Just so you know, 90% of the chuppahs in
America are not kosher. 90% of the
people in America are not married,
really,
because the chuppah is not kosher.
So they're not really married.
And I have an album, a wedding album of
over 700 couples that we got them
remarried because they weren't married.
Excuse me?
Of course.
Couples come to me for marriage
counseling and they tell me, you know,
we have problems in our marriage.
The first question is I ask them, are
you married?
Of course we're married. Look, I have a
nice ring.
Well, a ring costs a thousand dollars.
Are you really married? Of course we're
married. Here we have a wedding album.
You're not answering my question. Are
you married?
Yeah, we're in a chuppah.
That doesn't mean you're married.
The problem is that in order for the
marriage to be for the marriage for the
chuppah to be valid, the chuppah has to
be kosher.
If you have one witness that is not
kosher, the marriage is is a void.
There's no marriage there.
Now, if the
the the witness, one of them is not
kosher, he doesn't keep Shabbat.
Not a valid witness. There's no
marriage.
Now, you're living with a woman and
you're not really married to her.
Now, in America in Israel it doesn't
work like that because the rabbinate,
the rabbinical authorities in Israel,
they don't allow things like that.
They're very strict in Israel. They do a
background check. They want to make sure
you're Jewish.
The the rabbi that officiates
the wedding has to be registered in the
rabbinate. He has to be a knowledgeable
enough to make sure the witnesses are
kosher.
You know, half of the witnesses in a in
weddings in America is relatives.
My I want my uncle cuz if I don't give
my uncle he's going to be upset. And it
has to be my brother. You got to don't
give it to my brother, he's going to be
upset.
A relative cannot be a witness.
There's a whole list of things what
makes the witness valid or not valid.
So, in Israel you barely have that
problem because in Israel the rabbinate,
the rabbinical authority, is very
thorough.
In America they they do it. Half of the
weddings are done by a woman or form or
conservative or whatever, all sorts of
inventions.
And even the Orthodox ones,
there's sometimes they say, "Listen, we
have a very big problem here in
America." And that's something that I
ran into about 12 years ago
when my wife's best friend got married.
And she invited us to the wedding, and
she asked my wife to be a witness.
My wife is like, "I can't be a witness.
A man has to be a witness." No, no, no,
we're not doing it Orthodox.
So, my wife is like, "What do you mean
you're not doing Orthodox? What other
ways to do it? You either get married
like the Torah says, "K'dat Moshe
b'Yisrael." It doesn't say "K'dat I
don't know what Yechiel." It says "K'dat
Moshe" like the Torah says.
No, no, no, we're we're having a woman
and she's officiating it, blah, blah,
blah.
So, I told my wife, "Listen, first of
all, we can't even go to the wedding.
You can't stand in the chuppah there,
they're mocking the Torah."
So, I went to my rabbi and I told him,
"Tell me, should I interfere in this
wedding and tell them, 'Listen, you're
not doing it the right way, and it has
to be the right way, has to be kosher
witnesses, and you have to do the right
way.'"
So, my rabbi told me, "Don't interfere.
Don't don't go." And I said, "Yeah, but
the now they're going to really not
going to be married,
and the result will be that every time
they're together,
they're sinning cuz they're not married.
So, they're doing one of the worst sins
in in the book.
A man and a woman that are not married
are together.
And the man who I'm talking about, I'm
talking about in the home.
So, he says, "Just leave it alone."
And I was like, "Why? I don't understand
it. You're telling me now to ignore such
a severe thing?"
So, he told me, "Listen,
if they're not particular and they don't
care getting married the right way,
they will not be particular or care if
it comes to a divorce.
Now, if let's say hypothetically they
got married the right way,
then they're going to get divorced. The
husband is not going to care about a
get. The woman is not going to care
about a get. A get is a is a a
certificate that the husband has to give
the woman in order to
like to release her from the marriage.
Now, if they don't care about the
religion and you marry them the right
way, they're going to get divorced.
They're not going to care about a get.
So, they're going to go now and she's
going to marry a new man. He's going to
marry a new woman. They're going to have
kids now. These kids are mamzerim.
And that's a very severe thing. A mamzer
is a bastard.
I mean, I know here in America it's a
curse, but a mamzer is a child that was
born to a a marriage that that that for
a couple that they're married to
somebody else.
And this is a very severe sin and it's a
sin and a very severe problem in Israel
cuz A, you can't track the mamzerim. You
can't track them. And it doesn't get
annulled even.
So, my rabbi told me, "Better them
sinning all their life
and not taking the chance that maybe
they'll be a mamzer
down the line. Maybe they'll do
teshuvah. They'll get remarried."
That's why many of the Orthodox rabbis
in America they're not so particular
just because of that.
So, the reality is that 90% of the
marriage in America they're not valid.
They're not real marriages.
And people who come to me to marriage
counseling, the first thing I tell them,
"Did you really get married?" Of course.
So, then they bring me your ketubah.
Who's your witnesses?
Oh, no, my uncle. That's it. He's not a
witness. Your ketubah is void. You have
to get remarried.
They don't have to do another whole
party. Go to the Beit Din. Fill in a new
ketubah. Bring in two witnesses. Say, "I
love you." And that's it. And you're
remarried. It takes 5 minutes.
But now there's holiness in the
relationship.
90% of the marriages that they don't
work is because the connection was not
done the right way.
Take now a screw
in a piece of wood.
And if you screw it 1 mm a little bit
crooked, then the screw goes in, all the
way in, but it's a little bit crooked
and a little bit point a little bit the
edge is pointing out and it's annoying
you. It's like not straight. It went in,
but not the right way.
Same thing, a marriage can get together,
but it's not screwed the right way. It's
a little bit crooked.
And this little piece that is crooked is
causing all the problems.
Like a little thorn in your in your
heel. You can't step on your heel, so
you're limping.
So it all starts already how it the
connection was done.
If you backtrack it even more is how was
the time of the dating. 99% of the
couples before they were married, they
were already together.
That already messes everything up.
Because she was prohibited on you.
You're not allowed to be together when
you're not married. So you already
created one problem before the wedding
was already done.
Then you have to do to work out for that
and repair that. Because what it does,
forget about the sin right now, it
brings a certain
certain impurity on the couple. So what
happens is, how they say in America, a
black cat went between them.
Black cats are not There's nothing wrong
with black cats. They're just the same
as gray cats.
It's total nonsense. But they say a
black cat They have all sorts of things,
you know, I don't know. People believe
in all sorts of nonsense.
Uh people call me sometimes and they
they go to such details. Somebody called
me not too long ago cuz I told them, you
know, that nothing in this world happens
without a divine providence. Everything
has a meaning to that.
So this guy took it so serious. He calls
me every 2 days, don't ask. I saw a bird
flying sideways and it landed on
Nonsense.
So people think, you know, that a black
cat went between the the couple and now
now they have problems.
There's no problems with cats. The
problem is
that sometimes the connection was done
not the right way
based on the Torah so there's some type
of a friction between the couple.
Because exactly how you said, before the
wedding everything is perfect. He's my
hero. She's my queen. I love you. I love
you. All day long I love you. Two
minutes after the wedding, get away from
here. Why are you throwing thing on the
floor? Pick up your underwear.
The reality is that till the wedding the
couple is prohibited to touch each
other, to be with each other. That's why
in the Orthodox circles you go on a few
dates,
you see that it's the right one, that's
it. You call the wedding two months
later and in the meantime they separate.
Not to be this is a big temptation. I
want to be next to her.
I want to hold her hand.
But it's not the right time.
She's prohibited. In Hebrew it's called
asura.
She's not allowed to.
But if you look at the bracha under the
chuppah
it says matir asurot. He he he you
reverse it now. Now she's arusa. Now
she's engaged to me.
Now in the olden days they used to do
the engagement about a year.
They used to do the erusin, wait about a
year or two. Sometimes they used to do
the erusin when the kids are like 14, 15
and couple years later they do already
the marriage. They already got signed
the contract.
Nowadays we do the erusin and the
shidduch and the and the kiddushin the
same time. We do it right after the
other.
But the point is that even the process
to the wedding is extremely important.
So most of the couples that have
problems in their shalom bayit you have
to backtrack 60 years, 40 years, 30
years to how was the dating process.
Because if the couple were together
physically that's already putting some
type of a
screen between them because it was done
in a very impure way.
So there's now a a shade, a shield of
impurity.
Then comes of course the chuppah.
What happens in the chuppah?
The souls that I said before it's one
soul, the v'chatan
angel cuts it in half, one falls into
the woman, one falls into the man, and
then they walk around the world and then
they meet each other, and then there's
some type of an attraction.
Why? Because I have a spark that belongs
to my wife, and my wife recognizes in me
the spark that belongs to her.
Like a long lost thing, I lost it, and
then you see it. You have this spark,
the special spark.
Unfortunately in this world,
especially in our generation, our body
is so coarse, and our souls covered with
so many layers of impurity and sins,
that I get confused with the spark.
So, what attracts me is not necessarily
the real spark, is the how the body
looks, or how shiny the car is, or how
much zeros I have in the bank account.
So, the spark that attracts me is the
wrong spark. That's why people now in
our generation and previous generation
they go on dates, I don't know.
I don't know. He's cute, but he's this.
She's nice, but she's that. This
uncertainty. Why? Cuz there's some type
of a confusion.
But assuming everything was done right,
that there is an attraction with most
couples, there's a certain attraction.
Because their souls recognize each other
and then they go into the huppah. And
now what happens in the huppah?
Assuming that it's a kosher huppah,
the
souls the two souls together
in seven stitches,
corresponding to the seven spirits that
we have, corresponding to the seven days
of creation, corresponding to the seven
powers of the soul. That's why the girl
turns around the town for seven times.
All the rituals, it's not an invention,
it's not some prehistoric custom.
There's mystical explanations for every
little thing that happens in the huppah.
That's why they say the huppah is the
most important day of the person.
They say in what are the most the two
most important days and most happiest
days of a person's life?
His wedding, he or she, and his death.
People think it's the birthday.
No, it's the wedding day
and the death day. The day that you die
cuz that's the day that you complete
your journey.
Now, if the huppah is done the right
way,
the couples are kosher, didn't touch
each other, everything is good, the
kosher the huppah is kosher, right
witnesses, everything is done the right
way, the Kadosh Baruch Hu sews the souls
together. And then the connection
is 100% custom fit, perfectly sitting
perfect.
Now, a
different from what I said before is
before I said that you come with a list
of demands and an ego.
The problem is that the list of demands
is based on all sorts of misconceptions
and bad education. The reality is that
in my other half,
we call it the other half is the
complete opposite.
My other half is complete opposite from
me.
So, if I'm looking for something
according to my
my list, I'll never find that person.
Cuz I want blue eyes, she's going to
have brown eyes.
I like a tall one, I'm going to get a
short one.
Cuz it's my complete opposite. There is
going to be some things that are
parallel to be have some type of
attraction and some time of
being parallel, but the reality is that
my other half is my mirror.
Now, if you're looking at the mirror,
if I'm looking now at the mirror, if I
smile to the mirror, then the mirror
will smile back at me, the guy in the
mirror.
Right? If I frown to the mirror, then
the guy in the mirror will frown to me.
But look at something amazing. If I
raise my hand to the mirror, I raise my
right hand, you know the guy in the
mirror, he raises his left hand.
Cuz that's my other half. It's an
opposite.
So, I will get reflections getting back
from the mirror
when it comes to certain actions, but
with other actions, it's the complete
opposite.
That's my other half. My other half is
my mirror.
She came to correct me. He came to
correct you. That's how it is.
That's why when the
created Adam and Hava, first of all,
they were one cuz he said, "Okay, I'm
going to make a perfect creation."
Then Adam Rishon
brought all the animals to him to name
them cuz Adam Rishon it's not like this
old man that's running naked in in in a
in a garden. People think that Adam and
Hava these two guys uh you know, running
naked in and and you know, eating
grapes. Adam Rishon was a was was a
pillar of light. It wasn't like what we
imagine.
But he was in such a high level that he
would sit and
brought to him all the animals and he
started naming the animals cuz he saw
the godly power in them and he was able
to name them.
But Adam Rishon got very upset cuz he
saw that every animal has a mate.
And he's like, "How come I don't have a
mate?"
You know, in Hebrew most of the animals,
the female and the male has different
names.
I don't know exactly how it is in
English. In English you also have it.
But in some of the animals. In Hebrew
most of the animals, the male and the
female is different names.
So Adam Rishon they got all the animals
and then he saw that they all have mates
and he's like, "Hey, that's not fair. I
also want a mate."
So the decided to put him to sleep, take
a rib out and the whole story.
And then he created him Hava.
Which her name originally was
it wasn't Hava.
But the thing is that it says in the
maybe just in there the problem there's
already a problem.
Because if the foundation is not strong,
the whole building will collapse.
Now
we opened a yeshiva for women in in in
spot. So we got a big building
and the lawyer told me you must get an
engineer to check the building.
Said
building looks uh
looks a good building.
He's like, "Yeah, but you don't know how
the foundation is."
Maybe the guy painted the house, the
building real nice, and it looks all
good. Maybe the foundation is all
rotten. And you're going to find now
that all the the the the poles, they
need to be reins- re-instructed or
however they make it strong, reinforced.
You have to check. You have to invest
the money
in the engineer to go and check it.
So, we get an engineer, and he goes and
he checks the walls, the foundations,
the everything.
And then then the engineer comes and
says,
"Strong foundation. Don't worry. This
building is standing for another 500
years. Oh, let's move to the deal."
If mouth in my if my foundation in
marriage is all Shaky. shaky,
the whole building will collapse at some
point. Either it will constantly shake,
so then my marriage is not stable, or it
will collapse.
Couple years ago, there's a there was a
very small earthquake in New York.
Very, very small. And suddenly we felt
our building like shaking.
And and and my wife is like, "What's
going on?" I told her, "It's probably
it's an earthquake." And we're like
shaking from side to side. And she's
like freaking out, and I'm like, "What?
This is so cool! Like, we're moving from
side to side."
She's like, "This is not cool, cuz the
whole building can fall."
So, when something is very loose,
at some point it might fall down and
break. Sometimes no. Sometimes there you
know, it's very flexible. It can move it
here and there. But the reality is that
first of all, I have to have a very
strong foundation. And this strong
strong foundation is only built based on
what the Torah teaches us, cuz the Torah
is the foundation.
So, if there wasn't involved the Torah
in my relationship, you have to
backtrack,
and you have to fix it.
Like, you have to now how what's the
word? Reinforce? You have to reinforce
now the foundation.
So, if I did it my wife for 2 years, and
we lived together, and we were been
together physically, then I have to do
chuvah for that, because it's now one
one of my poles is not strong. So if
according to this if if you get the
worst, you don't have to give she
doesn't you don't have to give get.
Is is that the case? If the marriage was
100% not valid, there's there's no get
here.
I have a student that her husband was
abusing her.
Severe abuse.
Everybody told her stick with him, he's
nice, he's this and I told her leave
him. Leave him.
He's abusing you.
So she told me he'll never give me a
get.
So I said okay, let's see if you're even
married. Maybe you're not married.
So we found out that she's not married.
I told her just pack your bag and leave.
You're not married. You don't need a
get.
So if the marriage is not right not
kosher, there's no get here. The rabbi
is not going to even tell you to give a
get.
But when you go to get a get, when you
go to the be din, the rabbi tells you
bring me the ketubah. Let me see if
you're even married. Let me see what's
going on.
But yes, if there's no marriage, you
don't need a get.
But but the point is that you have to
check it cuz sometimes When a woman and
a man start living together and they
create kids, they exchange energies,
they become connected. So I think it
still should be
Yeah, even if you think they don't need
it but No, no, the thing is
The thing is I have many many couples
and I'm sure I'm not judging anyone.
Many couples, yeah, they weren't
observing, they don't know anything,
they live together, they were together,
then they got married. Not judging
anyone. I'm I'm just saying But the
energy exchange between husband and
wife, even if they're not married
properly The Of course Of course, that's
why I gave the analogy with the screw.
Yeah, they still need a get, otherwise
this energy
Oh no, that Okay, that's a whole
different thing.
I I I
In order to give a get, has to be a
valid wedding. That's it. Doesn't matter
how much energy and how much love and
how many kids.
That's the biblical part of it. That's
the rabbinical law that if there was a
kosher marriage, has to be a kosher get.
That's it.
But with a couple that they lived
together and there's kids and all that,
there of course there's a connection.
That's the analogy I gave with the screw
that it goes all the way in, but it's
crooked and something is like sticking
out and annoying. See, most of us is
married back in Russia.
So, how we know if it's kosher or not
kosher? It's very simple. You ask you
whoever remembers, do you remember who
was your witnesses?
Yeah, of course. But we not
mean as a kosher like it is this days.
Okay, so you go to the Beit Din and you
bring two witnesses
and you make a new ketubah and you tell
your life your wife you love her and you
give her a kiss and buy her coffee in
Starbucks and that's it. And it takes 5
minutes. That's all it takes.
You don't need a chuppah, you don't need
nothing. You need to go Wait, wait,
let's do the questions and when I finish
cuz I want to finish and then you can
ask me whatever you want.
The point is that you don't need a
chuppah, you don't need anything. You
need to go to the rabbi. It can be in
his home. It doesn't have to be in the
Beit Din. You need a rabbi, you need two
witnesses and you need a ketubah. That's
it. Two witnesses? Two witnesses.
The witness has to be a kosher witness.
Meaning it has to be shomer Shabbat. He
can't be a thief.
That's a big thing. A lot of people, you
know, they don't really check. But you
want to have a God-fearing Jew that is
shomer Shabbat. He's not a thief. He
doesn't He doesn't cheat on his wife.
Sorry that I'm saying it like that. And
you have to have two kosher ones. They
cannot be related to each other and I
cannot be related to you or your
husband. That's it. 5 minute thing. The
rabbi writes the ketubah. He gives you
the thing to do the kinyan. Shalom
Aleichem and everything is good. It
doesn't matter I said America. Yeah,
it's also Russia, it's Canada, it's
anywhere.
The thing is that some people tell me,
"Listen, my marriage is fine. I don't
buy what you're saying."
Your marriage is fine? Fine. We're not
talking about the ones that our marriage
are fine.
The reality is that spiritually it's not
good because if the couple is not
married the right way, then every time
they're together there's a sin.
So, a 5-minute act
5-minute act guarantees to you that at
least when you're with your wife there's
no sins, even if you have the best
marriage ever.
And I have a couple like that. They told
me, "Our We have a very good marriage.
We understand each other. I tolerate
her. She tolerates me. Everything is
good." I told him, "You still have to do
that because you every time you're
together, according to the Torah, you're
sinning." In the beginning they're like,
"What? No, nonsense, nonsense." I told
him, "What do you care? 5 minutes. 5
minutes sign the document." What do you
need to come now to the world
the world to come after 120 years and
they'll tell you, "Listen what a bag of
sins you have cuz every time you were
with your wife, you weren't even married
to her."
So, I'm more talking about the ones who
have problems cuz I'm trying to make an
analysis. Where do I have a problem? If
I have a a couple that all they have is
they're kissing and hugging, that's not
an issue. Let them have a happy life.
I'm talking about the couples which
unfortunately is the most of the couples
that they're not happy in their
marriage.
Now, some couples it's fire. That's one
issue.
Another problem is, that's how I started
the lecture, we only want to be happy.
Some couples they might not fight, but
they're not happy.
He's in his room. She's in her room.
They go to separate vacations.
Everything is separate. Shut up. I'll
eat with me. With myself you're They're
together, but they're not happy. Or deep
down inside maybe there's a
conversation, not happy.
And what do you know what it causes? The
eyes to start go going at somewhere
else. Maybe that is better. Maybe here
is better.
The point is, that's why I started the
lecture by saying that we all constantly
we're seeking for this happiness, for
this pleasure.
The pleasure will only come
from a stable and good home, marriage,
kids. That's what's going to bring me
pleasure.
I can have five Mercedes outside. If I'm
fighting with my wife all day long,
doesn't matter how fancy my car is. It's
not going to make me happy. It won't
make me happy for 2 minutes.
The problem in our life that we
constantly seeking this happiness in
this pleasure, we can't find it in the
right place cuz it requires us hard
work. So, I look for it in the easy way
out. So, I'll go to a good restaurant.
So, I'm happy for an hour. That's it.
So, I'll go to a vacation. I'll be happy
for a week. I'll buy a new car, a nicer
one with more gadgets. So, I'll be happy
for a month. Then I get used to the car,
then I'm stuck with the car for 3 years.
So, I'm constantly searching, how am I
going to feed myself to be a little bit
more happy? But I'm buying these
very short gratifications.
The real happiness has nothing to do
with all these things. I mean, there's
nothing wrong with having a nice car.
Don't get me wrong. You want to have a
nice car? Go ahead.
You want to have a nice home? Fine.
Fine. There's nothing wrong with that.
But that's not the source of happiness.
What's going to bring me happiness is in
my home.
Is when I come home,
how are you?
When I come home all upset, oh, now I
have to see her face again. And now
she's going to start complaining, why
did you leave the toothbrush outside?
And why did you leave a mess? And why
did you do this? And why did you didn't
go to pray? And why? And why? Oh, leave
me alone.
That's not happiness.
I can come home with a million dollar
check. If I just heard that, it's not
happiness.
What kind of a happiness when I have
kids running around the house, fighting,
answering back to me?
Even worse than that, then I see them
dating a non-Jewish person, not coming
to shul. I see see so many fathers
saying, "Please come to the shul with
me. What am I asking? Once a week, just
come with me." No.
And what type of happiness you get when
your son comes home?
Yes, uh yes, yes father.
How can I help?
It's in the heart.
That's the happiness. It's right in your
home.
So,
we don't need to to go much more about
where the happiness is. The happiness is
in my home.
And everything is my home. My home is my
sanctuary, is my mikdash, is my is my
temple.
But that we know already. I want to try
to psychoanalyze how I'm getting to
that. So, first we talked about the
spiritual part before the went marriage
and during the huppah. That's one thing.
You have to make your own analogy.
And it's very very simple to make a
quickly a new a new document. I'm not
exaggerating, 5 minutes. Doesn't cost
money. You don't have to do a party. No
need of grading this. You know what? I
actually have a
a couple. They're in their 60s. She got
a nice dress. They made it nice. She got
all excited and she sent me a picture
with her flowers and the dress and
Okay, fine. You want to be romantic,
fine. Good. That's not the point.
But you want to correct that. Then the
next thing is only the ego. Only the
ego.
And the point is that if you wake up in
the morning and you look in the mirror
and you and you say in the mirror
I'm not that great. What is wrong with
me? Then you start the day the right
way.
You know there's a joke and I hope
there's no Polish people in the crowd,
but they joke about Polish women and
they say, you know what a Polish woman
does when she wakes up in the morning?
She looks in the mirror and she says, he
deserves it.
So
And by the way, in Hebrew it sounds much
more funnier. I hope there's no Polish
people here, especially not in the
viewers. And nothing against the Polish
people. My wife is Polish.
So, my father keeps telling me, "Magia
lecha, you deserve it."
So
You know, Kadosh Baruch Hu gives
everybody what they deserve. But the
joke is that she looks in the mirror,
she sees a cloth and she says, "Magia he
deserves it."
So, the point is is to look in the
mirror in the morning and say,
"I'm not so good." No, of course you
want to say I deserve something. I'm not
that great.
I also have issues. I'm also not so
nice. I'm not so organized. I do this. I
snore. I I make noises when I eat.
The food is falling here and
You know, the
has such a funny sense of humor that he
puts in front of you exactly the things
that really annoy you.
If you get annoyed from somebody popping
balloon from the gum, your wife will pop
balloons all day long.
And that's how it is. Not during the
dating. During the dating, mouth is
closed.
I would tell my wife, "Why don't you
tell me that when you were dating? Why
didn't you do this when you were
dating?" No, I wanted you to impress
you.
The wait wait with the questions in a
minute. The point is the
funny sense of humor and he puts in
front of us exactly what I need to
refine cuz my wife is my mirror.
When I lift up my right hand, she has to
lift up her left hand. So, I can
perceive it as a complete opposite.
But no, my wife came to complete me. So,
if I have to work, if I have an issue
with anger,
I have to admit it and my wife will be
the one who's going to help me work on
my anger.
And if I don't allow her to help me, the
anger will go out on her and I'm stuck
with my anger.
And if I have an issue with patience, I
can't
I lose it very easily, my wife is going
to be the one who's going to be the
mirror who's going to show me how
impatient I am.
And if I have ego, my anger and
impatience will go out on her. Instead
of saying to her, "Thank you, my dear.
Thank you so much for showing me
How many people do that?"
Yeah. Who comes to his wife and says,
"Thank you so much for telling me I'm a
slob. I love you."
Hold on hold on, questions in a minute.
I know you have a lot of questions.
The point is
that we want to strive to get to the
best relationship ever. Why? Because
this is my ultimate joy. This is my main
reason why I came to this world.
Is to create unity in two separate two
things that are separate. Needless to
say that if I do my job right, I'm
designing the next generation.
If I'm going to bring flowers to my wife
on every Shabbat, most likely my kids
my boys will buy their wives flowers on
every Shabbat.
And if I respect my wife, most likely my
boys will respect my wife.
That's how it is. Cuz the kids see a
role model. Yes, they have the screen
that gives all sorts of junk in their
head, but they also see the reality.
Now, if the reality overpowers the
screen
and they see a very good relationship
then the kid goes in his subconscious
that it's not normal to scream at my at
the at the wife or it's not normal to
humiliate her. All those are the things
that if the kid sees it then it becomes
normal to him.
So, I have a double responsibility. A,
for myself. B, for how my kid is looking
at me.
If my kid is looking at me respecting my
wife
telling her nice things, complimenting
her, thank you so much, the meal is
amazing even though it's horrible it's
amazing.
I appreciate your hard work.
The point is that the entire
relationship is based on false
the least false
expectations and a very big ego. If you
remove these two things then most likely
your marriage is going to be I'm not
saying you're going to be all day long
have hearts flying over your head.
That's not marriage. People think that
marriage is all the time they're hugging
and they're kissing. No, marriage is
hard work.
And if I do it the right way, I'm the
one who benefits from it.
Yeah, it's constantly going to be
another struggle and another struggle
and another struggle. That's marriage.
But if I approach it
with no expectations
and I accept that the other half is my
mirror and I remove my ego, most likely
my marriage will be successful and at
some point I will be very happy cuz it's
calm.
It's not going to be a storm. I'm going
to have a little bit of choppy waves.
That's it. Which is fine. You need some
excitement. You need a little bit of uh
fire.
The point is
that you want to concentrate on all
these things. And one last thing,
the name
in Hebrew
man is ish
and you write it aleph yod shin.
A woman in Hebrew is ishah. Aleph shin
heh.
Now, if you put the Kadosh Baruchu in
between the husband and the wife,
putting the Kadosh Baruchu between the
husband and wife means that I live my
life like what the Torah tells me.
Meaning they say that man has three
partners, the mother, the father, and
God.
So, God has to be in between.
If God is in between my marriage,
meaning that I'm honest and I'm faithful
and I don't curse or cheat and curse and
all these things and I bring the
kedushah into my home,
my home is holy. Everything is holy in
the home. The Kadosh Baruchu is between
me and my wife,
then we are ish and an ishah. And we
have the the letters of the Kadosh
Baruchu, yod keh.
The yod of the ish and the heh of the
ishah. But if you take the Kadosh
Baruchu out of the equation, then you
leave You take the yod out of the ish
and you take the heh out of the ishah,
you're left with esh, with fire.
Both in the women and the men, aleph
shin.
So, you must have the Kadosh Baruch Hu
in the relationship.
And you must follow what the Torah tells
you.
And if you don't, most likely there's
going to be only fire.
And fire and fire makes a bigger flame
and a bigger flame.
And fire kind of, you know,
it's it doesn't fight each other. Fire
joins each other, but makes it worse.
So, the last thing one needs to put into
the marriage is make sure that the house
is holy,
that the mind is holy, that the
relationship is based what the Torah
says. If the Torah tells me that when my
wife is in her cycle, we don't touch
each other.
So, 2 weeks you hold up you sleep in a
different bed.
Good vacation. I like that time.
All right, don't have to squeeze in a
bed. I'm on cover.
And more than that, the Torah tells me
exactly what it needs to do.
The Torah comes to teach me how I bring
the Kedusha into my home.
So, Bezrat Hashem, what you need to take
from this short class
is that all the ultimate happiness comes
within. And the ultimate happen- the
ultimate happiness starts in my home.
And then it will manifest out. Needless
to say that my entire Bracha
comes only if the marriage is good.
And a lot of people say, "My marriage is
bad and I have a lot of money."
Imagine how much money you would have if
the marriage would be good would be
good.
And Bracha is not only money, but the
Bracha only can come
only can come when there's peace in the
home. If there's no peace in the home,
there's no Bracha in anything.
It says in a Bracha Shura Ela Badavar
She'einbo Shumnazek.
And you know, you know when when there's
nothing holy to hold the Bracha, the
Bracha cannot dwell in it.
So, the entire Bracha for Chinuch of
Hayeladim, the education of the kids,
for Parnassa, for everything comes only
from the the
unity and the holiness in the home.
So, Bezrat Hashem, what you need to take
from that is to understand that my
ultimate happiness can only come from
one major thing. Okay, a lot of people
can argue and say, "Yeah, but I can be
also happy when I have money, and I can
be happy when I have this, and I" Yes,
I'm not negating. You can find happiness
in many different places. But the
foundation and the core of happiness is
a happy home.
A happy home is a happy wife. A happy
wife is a happy husband.
Happy kids, everything is happy.
You don't need a lot of money, but when
you have the in the home, by default you
have the financial stuff.
And if you don't, then that means that
that's what the wants right now.
It says there was
Who is the rich person? The one who's
happy with what he has. You don't need
to have a lot of zeros in your bank
account to be happy. You can have a
little bit of money and be very happy
with it.
With what you have.
So, ultimately we want to reach the
ultimate happiness, and we want we have
to work for that. It's hard work.
Marriage is hard work.
Don't think that marriage is not hard
work. Marriage is a very hard job, but
you do it the right way, then you gain
everything that you wish for yourself.
If you take notes from this class and
you start applying it, you'll start to
slowly slowly put pieces together.
Doesn't take overnight.
But if you have the right approach, then
you know how to start dealing with it.
And the first and most important, just
get the ego out. Start communicating in
the right and healthy way.
That will by default start building one
block after the other.
And the result from that, the will will
dwell between you, will dwell in the
house, and with that will come in an
abundance of stuff.
Of
it, and
and of the kids, and happiness, and
health, and everything else will just
will be delivered.
So, I wish you great success.
From this day on, you approach the
marriage in a completely different
angle. You appreciate your wife. You
appreciate your husband. You compliment
each other, you share the love, you
understand each other, you learn from
each other.
This is the basics from everything and
the met the most important
is the of the the kid what the kids see.
But ultimate from that
we all want one thing at the end of the
day and that's coming the coming of
Messiah.
And the ultimate marriage is between us
as the Jews and the Jewish people. And
if I practice a kosher marriage in my
ready home, I'm just making sure and
ensuring that the ultimate marriage
between us and the Jewish people is
hastened.
And it all starts in in the home.
It says
make me a dwelling place and I will
dwell in you. Make me make me a temple.
So you make your house a temple a to
dwell in. Our people is already going to
come in. And with that we're going to
see the coming of Messiah
should happen very speedy in our days.
We should from here
move on to Israel with joy.
Have a beautiful holiday.
And a beautiful with God's help. I hope
you can all come with me.
Have a good year
and a good year.
And a beautiful successful year.
And now with God's help and now you can
start your interrogation.
I have a question. Let's say
a husband or wife it doesn't matter.
Someone one of them is
wants to go to the right path which is
the Torah and the mitzvah in the house.
And the other part of the house
is resisting.
And
And the the husband or the wife they
learn you know they grow and
and the other one doesn't do as much.
Maybe they try but not as much. And how
do you deal with it? Do you stop the
other half from learning?
Or
or that person wants to stop himself
because he wants to be in the same level
her husband, not to grow as much because
it it I understand. like a struggle, you
know? I understand. The The thing is
that first of all, there's no black and
white answer
because every couple is different. One
husband will
would not want to
play along
cuz he's afraid that if he starts, it
will require for him to be more
observant. One One doesn't care. One
doesn't want to be more observant cuz he
says, "Oh, now I Once a month I can be
with my wife. This I can't eat this. The
Everyone has a different
thing.
The thing is that
this is unfortunate, but every human
being has to deal with some type of
hardship.
One person has to deal with very bad
parnassa.
Business is not working out, lost of
money, all sorts of things. One person
deals with a problem with a kid.
Another person deals with health
problems. Everybody has to deal with
something. We all We all have to deal
with at least two three things that are
very very hard for us, and that is
called an essayon, a test.
And each one gets it different.
Some people, unfortunately, their
essayon is exactly what you're saying.
That one person is more observant, and
they want to grow, and the other one is
not tagging along.
It's a very big test. Not Not everybody
have it, but a lot of people do have it.
Now, the answer is there's no black and
white answer because depends why the
other other half doesn't want to tag
along.
There's different answers for that.
Some of the times, it's the person
just doesn't want to because he's like,
"I don't want to be religious. It
doesn't interest me even."
That's a very big essayon to the one who
is religious because how do you deal
with that?
Another person Each one has his ulterior
ulterior motives what causes him not to
want to be part of it.
Ultimately, it's all an essayon.
It's an It's an essayon. It's a test
to see how you reacting because a lot of
people what happens in a situation like
that they lose their faith.
They say oh I'm becoming so religious
and now my a shame is giving me a
husband that doesn't want to and you and
you the person totally lose their faith
and they go back.
The test is for example in that
particular case is if you go how are you
going to react if you're going to still
going to love the husband if you're
going to still going to keep Shabbat.
Unfortunately there's not a black and
white answer because each and each
couple is completely completely
different.
Sometimes the one who's religious is
more opposing it on the person and the
person doesn't like to be opposed. Like
let me do it my way. Let me do it my
pass.
Sometimes the other end
more religious one
you know is not putting enough pressure
not demanding too much it's it's so many
different types.
The point to take from that is the first
of all it's a nice day on it's a test.
It's a test to see if you will be upset
at the
assuming you're the one who's more
striving to grow and the husband is the
one who doesn't then your test is to see
if it will affect your serving of God.
If you're going to be if the situation
let's say even if it's not going to
change let's say it's me it's not
affecting my relationship
what if I'm just taking a wisdom and
saying hey if it's bringing a shame on
my problem in my house maybe I should
hold on and not grow as much that's
that's why the question if it's bringing
an issue
to the house
that's why I said that the answer is
there's not a black and white answer
because it depends a 100% on the couple
because I have many couples that come
like that and each one gets a completely
different answer.
So if it's individual if it's personal
to you then better to talk personal and
you give me all information and then I
can give you a more clear answer.
To give a general answer, it's not going
to be applicable to you because it's
totally different to her or her or her.
The The bottom line is it's a big
nitzayon.
And And the in most cases
the the one who's more observant has to
pull the one who's observant and it
might take that person 40 years to do
that.
That's might be the nitzayon.
It's a matter Same thing with dealing
with a child that doesn't want to be
observant. It's a different This is a
relationship.