Setting Boundaries for Younger Children , Rabbi Shlomo Usher Tauber

hi everybody welcome to tonight's amazing program tonight we have a murray de cashier uh tonight is sheer number 94 with coach monaco burnfield the let's get real program and again i always sort of thinking everybody who comes every week for posting on the what's app statuses telling people about the program again please tell friends and family posted all over we have an amazing pack program lineup of speakers therapists it's going to be getting more and more wild so get get filled and uh it's going to be an unbelievable uh next few months we're already full till july so fyi so again a great subscribe for everybody posting it and for the share growing again if anybody wants to join the whatsapp status uh every sunday i send out the the flyer please what's at me at eight four eight five two five zero zero six six again it's eight four eight five two five zero zero six six and say my number in the phone and every sunday in the morning with shame i'll send you the flyer you can post it 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we'll be discussing what is truly getting in the way of your connection your marriage what you could do about it it's eft a roadmap to deepen your marriage eft stands for emotionally focused therapy and he's a mom called this it's a massive it's a different type of therapy and it's going to be very couple based and marriage-based relationship based and uh should be a very powerful program uh try to come try to join with your spouse if you're single listen to it it's definitely gonna be concepts that you're gonna need for marriage um it's very it was very impressive when i met with him uh last week we had a little uh a little pre-share and uh i was very impressed with him so it should be something very powerful um tonight we have this course in the honor of having world famous absolute albert from muncie over here tonight with us mr shem we have an amazing event and thousands of people watch it and we'll get back to you in a moment tonight we're going to start with the gematria on the new thing that we started doing at gamacher 94. i asked her by table right before the show what is 94 gematria are you ready 94 is gematria tonight we're going to be talking about so let's take a match here for tonight which is moyer dick and um let's start off first with coach menachem bernfield open it up welcome everyone to another shirt it's first to have rabbit have with us tonight and uh i want to welcome all of you for being here with us and i do want to say thank you for all those that shared the feedback sending in to coachmenafimajima.com which is really really amazing depending on every share the feedback is is really different which whatever you feel whatever comes on your mind you send it in basically i got a picture of how the audience understood and what needs clarification which is really really amazing and then i go outside and speak to people which is really interesting to hear everybody's feedback so thank you for that and for those who donated already for the book thank you very much and uh the campaign is still up another three weeks and for those who didn't donate yet that you still have time we'll send out the link tomorrow so tonight we have this close to have rabbi taba with us which he is in china for many many years he's been in many years in vienna and now in new york but he got shimish from his father that was real which um i've heard a lot from israel and foreign used to go around the world for charles heves and doing a lot of kirif which is really really amazing and i believe his song got a lot of shimmers from his father and now he took it from hoikum to kirin kroyven how to understand to relate to be there for your child and tonight is going to be very specific the younger age you're talking about everybody has different ages and everybody wants to know how to while it's happening if your child is 18 19 you're having a hard time you're trying to figure out i do understand them i don't understand i'm not sure if it's right or wrong but the question is is there anything that we could do when they're young it's tricky because people think you know i'll be fine i'm good i'll figure it out we'll figure it out got married we'll have some kids we'll figure it out but it's it's tough and then you know like we have next week we'll have the eft which which talks up a lot about the triggers that come up between between husband and wife and that has a lot to do with also the triggers that come up between husband and wives and then the triggers when your kid does something and you don't like it so what do you say how do you do it what do you do and then you want to do it the right way so that you don't ruin that connection that relationship and that the child should feel my parents the adults in my life around me understand me whether i do right or wrong and that's a tricky one and hopefully tonight we'll learn how to do that because you know when your child does something wrong you want to tell them off you want to be kind of them but we have to do it in a smart way so that they still come back to us and understand i'm with you i understand you and no matter if you did something wrong it doesn't take away from who you are so hashem we have this fist to have a retirement with us and we should have a lot of seattle and just sit back and listen you know it might bring up some triggers and i do want to mention that for the coach for nothing audience um is giving a course after pesach and for a very very good price for our audience and we'll mention it later but because obviously in an hour and a half we won't be able to cover everything and for those who feel that they can gain more we'll uh you'll be have availability to sign up with hashem so the mid-should be a lot okay um again let's just get into it again tonight we're talking about boundaries children every time we'll explain us what we're talking about what our focus is tonight like when athens said you know the reason why we spoke to rabbi tab a little about the follow-up about the class a lot of times after we have certain chiron a lot of people like they wanted to take it to the next level because again the share is very global very general and you know rabbit albert focuses on this and he does classes so we felt it would be a tremendous benefit for people you know if they really feel they could help them with their children raising them younger children there's a certain you know basic boundaries where today's you know everybody struggles with this everybody i know so uh definitely could be very helpful so that's why we we thought it would be a great a great thing you know for after pace i've always said no the new year's resolution after basically we'll take care of it so again let's start i'm going to read rabbi talbert's uh bio and we're gonna get into was the founder is the founder of kesher coaching and institutes focused on helping spouses and parents become really close and connect with each other every time we should have the speaker worldwide and besides counseling people privately on a variety of issues he's also teaching small online and face-to-face groups in depth of subjects of sinners and shalom bias and self-improvement for coming here tonight and the floor is yours you are very very welcome when do you do the the poll right after right after these people drop the hole unless you want to do it now whatever you want let's do it now so let's i can know what to focus on sure sure okay so tonight we're gonna do something different we're gonna do the ball before the speech here we go you ready okay i'll explain it clear because maybe the other animals know we're going with it here we go okay this is the poll two questions number one at what age do you think finnoch starts with your child we gave you four choices okay 30 days after they're born two plus years old six plus years old or by our batsmen what age do you feel enough yes no raising them what age does that start okay right but you can see people answering we're going to share with everybody soon people are doing that question number two what are the first steps i need to take to be child mechanical what's the first things i need to do be more focused on top of them everything they're doing if we hyper focus we helicopter them we make sure they're doing everything right they say they do everything they go on the bus sometime we push them that's the right way to do it right learn the basic books speeches that's how you get the first step or the third or the next step the option c work on myself to become a healthy person first so those are the three choices and everybody vote and then we're going to share with everybody we got half the people voted we'll give another five seconds and then we'll share the results and there are tabber you can go straight to the openings we're doing it backwards for you see listen okay five four three two one here we go let's share it okay first question now what age do you think's gonna starts with a child sixty-five percent feel 30 days after they're born they're already in school they're sitting next to them they're dominating them kipper the whole thing in the diapers thirty percent of people two plus years old um six percent of people four percent and two percent bar bathrooms so basically very strong 30 days after they're born is basically very strong with the little times like that that's what's gonna start number two one of the first steps i need to take to be mechanical my child uh be more focused on being on top of everything you do is only six percent learn basic books and speech four percent and a whopping eighty-nine percent work on myself to be healthy person first that's what the oil am over here coach which are very intelligent people growing people they listen to already ninety-three years before you so you're not you know so those are the answers without first elaborate on that and then go to the opening okay beautiful appreciate it okay first of all thank you very much coach malachim and rabuja i really really appreciate the privilege that you're giving me to be part of this unbelievable movement of spreading hashem all over the world in such a in a hidden way unbelievable and i really appreciate this course that you're giving me it's a big yes it is a tremendous trust a privilege and at the same time a big arthritis a tremendous uh responsibility to to especially to talking and talking about yes i've been involved in for the past 28 years my oldest son is turning 28 and since the majority the poll came in that 30 days kind of starts so i listened and i started being in a so it's now about 28 years almost so this is how long we've been involved my father's always used to say sometimes you go to a professional therapist whatever that these diplomas hanging on the wall whoever has children should have a picture of their children in their wallet that's their diploma that i'm licensed hashem gave you children you're a licensed mohammed yes sometimes we have to learn tips and tools just as any professional does but if hashem gives you a child that means he trusts you with his children and that is our license and we shouldn't take it lightly so let's go straight in uh whatever we're going to talk now we have to show the next few minutes nothing i invented i don't say anything from what i yes we do have some experiences our own experiences dealing with people but it's all based on hazal based on da story based on professionals and put into use i'm going to share that it works i must say something before we go into it which is a very important thing whenever we talk about issues such as anything that has to do with self-improvement with other human beings when we have for example my parents listening one only if one parent is living it listening or both it's extremely important that if you hear something that makes sense to you that you want to implement and all of a sudden while you hear that information you think oh wow my wife needs to hear that i wish he would have been on she's doing just the opposite or my husband he's i wish he would have been online i can't wait to tell him what this tower guy said if the focus will be on someone else we would say we're wasting time it will never ever work because it will never penetrate our brains and our understandings if we automatically just listening in order to give it to someone else to do we have to listen and what hashem if we learn something new let's try to use it i always learn something new whenever we talk about this it's what hashem we still have children at home and we can always use it and let's make sure because it's not something that can be done by one parent hashem made so that children should have a father and a mother it's team work unfortunately yes sometimes we have single parent homes again this is not something we're gonna have time to go in tonight that is something takes more time different challenges different issues but in general the majority when you have two parents a father and a mother is team work if the father pulls in one direction the mother pulls in a different direction that difference different opinions on how to be makhana children the child will come out of blitz or a matzah just pulled from all sides on a healthy child you gotta we gotta work as a team if we have differences of opinion on how to approach a certain issue with your child you can discuss it privately discuss it with professionals but once you come out of your closet you approach your child we got to be united as a team if you don't have a mahalak you don't have an approach how to deal with it a mixed message to a child is a lot worse than no message at all we should always try to have a very clear way of dealing always the same consistent father mother everybody has their own part and that's hashem this is what creates health each other the majority i was surprised because over 70 percent voted that kind of starts at 30 days really those were the only four options starting until this because the true true true answer is not 30 days the true answer is there's a famous story with the fazonish asking advice on because nish asked him how old is he child he said i think one or two years old he said oh it's way too late kind of starts before the children are born because it's all our own doing how we are developed how we look at life what's important for us and that is really what kind of is all about so it's about ourselves obviously we're dealing with children we'll talk about it so as we heard before from coach menachem and i will say that our focus tonight will be um we will focus on children of the age from about 3 to 13. it's not exact because we're humans we're not cows we're not animals they're all alike humans no three-year-olds are like no 30 year olds are like so but on average we'll try to focus on that age 3-13 we will not discuss tonight about children who have emotional issues or single-parent homes we will not talk about children who unfortunately left the system of the derrick which is a very big topic and yes it affects children below the age of 13 as well it doesn't start only the teenagers it starts sometimes much earlier again this is a big topic on its own when it comes to yiddish kind of things they don't want to not just they don't want to listen it's much deeper than that they they don't want to accept the idiot that's a whole different topic on its own which we cannot get into tonight we will talk about healthy children a happy happy home a father and mother with children boys and girls different ages yes part of being a healthy child is they don't listen they both obey rules they try to break rules they talk back at us this is all part of being a healthy normal child and this is what we're going to try to focus as you put it out how to set healthy boundaries every child um this is i'm a million percent of what i'm gonna say now every single child wants to listen to their parents it's part of their dna of a child they want to be told what to do and they want to listen if you have a child who does not want to accept rules from you it's something we have to look what am i not doing properly or what am i doing wrong or not in the right way it's not always wrong sometimes i'm doing something that is affecting my child in a way that the child is acting out against their own will they want to listen they need it a child needs guidance a child needs boundaries it's part of being a healthy child and if not there's a reason for it hashem created us human beings with needs i'm going to talk about basic needs we all have needs and wants and desires that we can live without i'm talking about basic basic needs such as we have a basic need for oxygen we have a basic needs for food we have a basic need to sleep these are all basic needs we all have a basic need which is called we'll call it power every single person wants to be empowered they want to be listened to they don't like to be told what to do that's all part of being having the need for power it's a healthy need it's there's nothing wrong with it most of the time when you have a child who has a hard time accepting boundaries and rules i'm talking about healthy children now the reason why they can't accept this is because their need for power is on a high level on a scale from one to ten every the average person out there which this is about four to five then they can accept boundaries with having that meter power in that number once a child is born and again this is part of their traumas it's not a myth it's not a character it's their personality they cannot change it and if we're going to try to take away the power from them we'll break them we won't bend them we'll break them and that's permanent damage so when we're dealing with children there's boundaries that every child can accept yes we'll always have in every family one child two children one of them that will have this higher need for power that we have to notice it we have to make we have to take issue with that and with that child we have to deal with this child in a different way it's not that they're special no as we mentioned hopefully it will come out later in the talk that during the next two hours with many examples how you can deal with every child in a different way they don't even notice it it's but again this is our job as parents to notice it's our job to know our children focus on every child separately and this is what we need to do so coming back now to this meet this needs our power again russia and both of you mentioned it before i just repeated that this is a public forum this is not private small groups this is a public forum with many many people so i'm very limited with detailed advice uh we'll just talk we'll just give just a few foundations you say this about it and i'll speak a bit in in broad strokes but we have no choice but hopefully at some time we'll have an opportunity to get into more details what is we're parents where every parent is how what's the right word how would you define the word what is the role of a mohammed there's yes we all know this famous saying that every jewish mother is a is a cook a cleaning person a nurse a psychologist a psychiatrist but there is one word that you can define what america is in one word we're sales people we're selling something the father is the salesman the mother is a sales lady we're selling something we're selling humanity we're selling characters with us we're selling yiddish guide we're selling our sham we're selling toilet with jeans we're selling something we have customers we have our children who are buyers we are the sellers now in order to be a good salesperson we all know the first thing you have to do is you really have to believe in the product that you sell if you don't really really strongly believe in what you're selling you will not be a successful salesperson another part you have to use it if you don't use what you're selling you're using your competitors thing no one is going to buy from you i remember once i went with when we still lived in vienna there's a big change a chain store called filaments they sell it's an optical shaft they have many many locations many stores in austria and germany and europe a huge huge chain and i once went with one of my children one of my sons to buy new glasses and as we went in so the salesman was he was showing him this and this and i noticed that the salesperson he was wearing a a very interesting style frame like it was green the color was very strange it really got my attention but whatever so he he sold us something he told us to come back in an hour to pick it up i went back with my son so the same guy was serving us and all of a sudden he has a different pair of glasses a different color again it's struck me like orange or something so i asked him like you change your glasses every hour it's like interesting he said that one of the rules in our place of work in this shop is that our bosses give us a set of frames that we have to wear every day he said on himself i don't wear glasses at all i don't need glasses it's a plain it's a piece of plastic there's nothing in it i just wear it with whatever style does not go well it's sitting we put it on it starts moving people see it they they buy it so whatever it doesn't go well so we keep on changing when i hear that i said wow that is something when we wear something where we do something that alone sells without saying your word if parents just live we just live the boundaries that we want to set in our homes without saying your word it's sold now obviously they're children they need guidance which we'll talk about but the number one is let's focus on being sales for people to use our product and to believe in our products that's number one let me give you three examples what happens in an average jewish home a child who doesn't want a dozen let's pick a eight nine ten year old child we take the child to to show on shabbos he set him next to you you open the center and you tell him okay and he stands there with a sitter you know like this half asleep and he's saying the words he's listening he's a good child you're saying nationwide is all out or half asleep and it bothers you so you tell the hey come on come on you don't bother like this this is not where it's supposed to happen where is your desire where is your you're you see half asleep this is not the way to go that's one example why are you standing there like like a piece of salt like once actually someone told me that his father told him he's standing here like the wife of floyd like a piece of salt like a statue of salt when we come home we're going to be able to dip the color into you when you're coming to eat this this is this is how you differ this is one example let me give you another example now we're coming home from sure we sit down at the shabbos meal to see these shadows and the child acts out he's a child any age six seven eight the age the average age that we're talking about and he jumps around and and you tell the child come on this is not tuesday night supper this is a shovel cedar this is a serious place it's not it's not just a regular night you know the show from the table is now like and the food is carbonus and you're decoying declining whereas you have to be sincere you have to be honest and serious this is shameless you're making a big deal with that let me give you a third example now it's mozzares there's a sink full of dishes you have a 12 13 year old daughter and you tell her you know what honey go wash the dishes please i need your help can you please go watch me vicious so she does it she's listening she walks over to the sink with her nose down someone's told me that her mother told you you look like like a frog that's drinking sour milk that's what the mother told this is what you look like so she is all sour and she goes and she washes the dishes but she said you know the mother sees her attitude and tells you know what honey i must i don't need your favorites just get out of the kitchen either you do it with desire with handshake with a smile with you know show me that you're enjoying it what you're watching the dishes with with smack or just leave i don't need you i don't need your help these three scenarios i gave you is very typical very average we're asking from a child to do something we're asking the child to dublin we're asking the child to sit at the sharpest meal at this either like a normal person or we're asking from the child to wash dishes we're asking them to do something but we added something we added do it with a smile do it happily do it with warmth do it with desire with handshake we added something and this is something when it comes to setting boundaries the ezreal hashem if we can work walk away tonight just with this one message which will i'll try to explain in the next five minutes if we can if this is all we can take best hashem will see a tremendous difference because it's a very simple uh thing that i'm going to try to explain as hashem it's very simple but we're not used to it i didn't grow up like that even though hashanah had beautiful unbelievable unbelievable parents but this is not how we most of us were brought up and and that's why we're having so many issues when it comes to setting boundaries and then listening to it a human being is made up of three components three parts there we have different all we have hundreds of organs but the operating system of a human being is com this component is composed of three different components we have our brain let's call it our our brain now the brain itself has many components i'm going to focus just on one part our knowledge our brain has like a hard drive of a computer saves information it's a storage bank anything you see anything you learn you listen to anything you read goes in anything you hear information information everything stays in your brain that is information information that you have in your brain will stay there forever you may forget it but it's there the person knows what's good i can educate myself what's good for me what's not good for me okay what is healthy to eat what is not healthy to eat i can learn all the time new information educate yourself you can learn and learn but there's one important part in this part of our brain we are in full control of that hashem gave us full here full choice that we can choose what we allow into our brain no one can come to you take a book and bang it on your head and all the information from the book will be in your head there's no such a thing you have to read it you have to learn it you have to look at things you have to listen to things now you can allow information to come in willingly and you can allow it just by looking around and listening around information will go in but you allow it anything we know is because we allowed it into our brains and that will not change we have full control over it so for example if you know that eating this particular food is not healthy for me that will not change that information will be there until you don't learn new information that it is good for you no matter what i feel like what mood i am the information will stay the same that is our brain we have control over that our second component is our actions what we do we have our hands our feet all everything we do our mouth what we say again what we do what we don't do we have full choice i shall give us the behavior we have full control over that that we can do what we want i cannot i don't have to do what i don't want someone can force me to do certain things but then that's not me doing it someone else is doing it and using my body forcing me to do it but something that i do on my own this is my own choice that is the second part so the first two parts a person has full control over it that's our knowledge and our actions the most important part our third component which is called in sort of the life the heart are feelings loss being sad being happy being angry being relaxed all these emotional feelings that we have been in a good mood a bad mood waking up on the left side waking up on the right side all these expressions all these mood swings all feelings that we have we don't have control over it simply said we cannot control it again i want to clarify myself yes we can do certain things that will awaken in us certain feelings the torah says don't look at something that can create certain feelings in you undesirable feelings sure we can awaken good feelings about dreams but that that doesn't mean you have control over it full control that's not control control means like my actions if i'm i don't want to do something no one can make me do it if i don't want to feel something i don't have that button i can wake up one day in a good mood one day in a bad mood i don't know why one day i'll have hagic and desire to do certain things to nothing and one day i won't have it i don't know why i'm the same person it keeps on changing again this is not for tonight it's a very broad issue why it happens and why hashem does it to us whether or not but i'm just focusing on the fact the fact is that our brain and our knowledge and our actions hashem hashem gave us control what to know and what to do feelings are not in our hands if a person thinks and tries to force and change his feelings he instead of focusing on his actions he's going to focus on his feelings i have to feel different i want to feel different why am i feeling like that he's going to focus his energy on feelings that person will fall apart and break because you can't it just won't happen and we all know it but let me make it very clear to you we all know it we see it every day that we can know something and feel something else completely who is who isn't on a diet today okay everybody's dieting so let's say i decided the doctor told me don't eat sugar no no cake no ice cream no sugar so i'm sitting at a sim card and i'm being served a plate of ice cream i look at it now what happens my brain tells me it's not good for you don't eat it but i have a desire to eat it and i impede it no person no normal person will say i don't understand myself if i know that it's not good for me why do i have a desire to eat it everybody understands this is what a human being is all about i know that it's bad i still have a feeling that i want to eat it so now comes in the human being the vagina you decide who you're going to listen to your mouth will eat it listen to your feelings or your mouth will close up and listen to your brain and don't eat it this is what we're doing all the time so we cannot change our feelings that is a very very important factor that has to do with boundaries as you will see in a minute this is the assault it's shot we grow up a child when the child is born until the age of approximately six seven depending on the child again six seven eight those two three years the first couple years of a child's life their brain is not developed that part of the brain the knowledge meaning they operate completely on feelings that's why a child can cry and laugh instantaneously we cannot do it if we hear something else we're showing bad news you can't start crying in a second it takes time to develop even if you get hurt it takes time to still start crying a child can laugh cry try left back and forth back and forth because this this is how emotions work they operate strictly in emotions the brain did not kick in yet that part of the brain so what happens a child grows up young two three four five and we keep on talking to the child that's normal it's not as a normal person but normal parents and we ask the child so shay fella what do you like what do you want do you want to do this do you want to sleep do you want to wake up you want to play you want to we keep on asking do you do you do you who is the you who you talking to this you in the child is feelings that's all you thought he knows that's all he's that's his whole essence now all of a sudden they get older 9 10 11 and usually at the bar basmati that's they get dust that means the brain really kicks in but it starts earlier and all of a sudden the brain wakes up and they start having questions i don't know what's wrong with me that i i have a feeling to do this but i don't want to do it my brain tells me something else and they don't have the clarity to make the difference that this is my brain and this is my feeling and they get really confused and if we have to show them as parents if we don't have the clarity of ourselves and we are not very clear with them as we'll see now that is the beginning of the failure when a child will not accept boundaries because they don't know what's going on with them and that is something really really really important so for example the three examples that we gave today before about the ch the the child who doesn't want to doubt him with desire or wash the dishes whatever let's think about ourselves do i have a desire to dive in every day that i want from my child i don't have it what do i do when i don't have this hair shake two dozen i'd never without it i'm not going to close my city i'm going to say the words the best that i can with handshake without fashion i'll try my best the mother when it comes to master shabbos she has a full sink of dishes though i have never seen someone dancing into the kitchen i'm going to wash dishes now i'm so excited i can't i couldn't wait all shabbos for this moment no one knows that we wash dishes because we have to it's the right thing to do so why is the child different why does the child have to smile and be happy to help you while shooting the dishes she's doing it the same as you obviously she make she can make a different face than you because she's 12 and you're 20 40 whatever it is so hopefully you don't make the same sound face when you do it but the bottom line is focus on their feelings they don't have the feelings it's fine it's perfect it's normal so when we tell a child where is your hair where is your desire again we're pounding into them that the feelings this is who you are we're just nailing it again knowing that you are if you have a good feeling you're a good child if you don't have the good feelings you're a bad child and that is not true because they don't have control over it just as we don't have it so i'm going to give you one more example which i got a lot of questions on it which is a big issue in every home a child who i mean maybe this audience uh january is a big audience here maybe this audience doesn't have the issue but probably everyone here did such a thing that a child has a hard time getting up in the morning getting out of bed right it's quite common so let's so what happens classic the child is stronger than getting up they obviously this it happens once a week once a month every day they're having issues with getting up depending on the age of the child what happens one day the child has a trip they have to go to school early because they're going on a trip or they're going to the airport whatever it is so the child wakes up an hour before time to bed all of a sudden the child jumps out of bed yeah common sense khazrem what can happen when we tell the child you see mushy if you want to get up you can get up now let's see when when you have a trip or whenever you're going to the airport all of a sudden you can get out of bed in the morning you can't do it you just don't want to when you when it comes to go to header that's you're not interested it's not that you don't want to go to thousands you don't have that's right up there we keep on saying this everybody in their own words that hey now i have proof that if you want to get up you can all the other days when you're not that means you don't want to to tell this to a child first of all it's it's an outright lie it's just not true and it's poison to tell this to a child because a child does want to get up on time you know why they don't because they're having the same problem as we have when we have to get up in the morning i also have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning why do i get out because i have to go to minion i have to go to work i have a reason that is very powerful more powerful than my desire to stay in bed so when the child doesn't have that you can't expect from a child for him going to either or school should be on the same level as you're going to your job it's just not it's just not it can never happen this is a child so when they have a trip or going to the airport yes then they're equal to us as the same reason we can get out of bed in the morning they can get our morning so what do we have to do when when we have a child that's struggling to get up to get out of bed in the morning on time take a day when they were successful when they were able to get out of bed and tell the child you know kami i saw you in the morning when you got out of bed i noticed i knew how hard it was for you wow even though it was so hard for you you still did it you did what you wanted i know it was hard for you but you still did what you wanted this is the message you want to give to a child in a healthy way basically i know it's hard for you you don't have the desire or whatever it is tell them i notice that your feelings that you're struggling with your feelings but there's nothing you can do about it but you're still doing focus on their actions not on their feelings and that is a very very important factor that we have to really implement and really we have to have the clarity on ourselves because we suffer as adults a lot with these issues with feelings and we're not going to get into it right now but the number one is we have to be very clear for ourselves exactly what we can control what we cannot control and then don't blame yourself for having feelings that are not appropriate don't blame your child that goes together so what do what do we have to do let's focus on the facts now and setting the boundaries what we have to do is number one to build up the knowledge of our children focus on their brain that is something give them information load them with information use any opportunity to talk to your child we have so many opportunities that we can while we're doing something give them the knowledge give them the information why are you doing it all of the build them they should know as much as possible when they have to do something why they have to do it now if they know why they have to do it and they're going to do it there's a big chance that the feelings will also go along but if they have no idea why why should they have any feelings if you tell the child to have haitian desire to double and he's 9 10 years old he has no idea what happening is all about on their level give them information what it means what it does again it's not a trick that it's going to work but yet you still have a chance so our work is as parents our duty to be at the muhammad our children is give information to the brain of our of the child give them information talk to them tell them what to do tell them what not to do don't ask don't ask them to have feelings to whatever they're doing because there's nothing they can do about it they have no control over that so when we tell a child let's use the examples that we started with practically speaking when we tell the child to do something watch go wash the dishes go to sleep setting boundaries in the home about bedtime what to buy what clothing to buy what to wear what not to wear we're not going to get into details we'll leave it open to you for questions but in the bottom line is when we're asking a child to do something be very very clear with the child tell them exactly what you expect from the child do this don't do this only things they can do don't get any feelings involved and if you do that properly again it's not if someone didn't do it all along and all of a sudden you're gonna start doing it today you're not going to see the results right away it takes time you can't take something that said it was broken seven years you want to fix it overnight it doesn't work you got to do it consistently start focusing on asking give them information and tell them what to do and what not to do and um if that's the case of so for example if you tell a child then to do something you said you're setting a certain boundary in your home and your home is set up in such a way that you only you're you're you're an honest person you always ask what's right you don't ask them to do things that are not right meaning for example feelings the child will trust you because the child needs you to watch over them they need boundaries i always say every time a child whenever we go up let's say i'm high if you go out on a porch which is on the third floor and you want to bend over to look down there's a gate what do you do before you bend over and you lean on the gate you shake the gate to make sure it's strong enough to hold me so you're gonna someone's gonna say i don't understand if you wanna if you want the game to be strong why are you trying to shake it i'm shaking it because i wanna make sure that it's strong children need strong parents parents that they can trust a yes is a yes no is a no clearly said in a calm way if you scream when you say yes that means you're not sure with you yes why are you screaming when the child asking you spin no i'm not allowing you to do that why are you streaming that means you're not sure about yourself so you have to convince yourself that's why you're screaming the child picks up on that so while they're getting they're going to test you again they're going to test you again they want it they want to be protected they want to have the boundaries but we have to be consistent it has to be healthy the message the boundaries have to be set very clearly very strongly strongly means honest old scout meaning don't ask something that is not right that the child cannot do she has to be age appropriate and you have to always ask them to do things in a calm way i cannot stress that enough if someone is success if there's the only time in a home when you use your voice in a screaming way is only when the child is in danger that is the only time you do that when a child does something dangerous and you gotta stop them call turkey stop you get a scream so if it's in a household that you never scream and all of a sudden you're screaming the child will stop doing what they're doing when the child is in danger other than that there's never a reason to scream and if you're screaming it's a sign of weakness and if you're weak the child will take advantage of you so why should he listen to you if you're a weak person but if you're strong meaning you're consistent you're firm the yes means the yes and because the child is going to ask 10 times the same thing over and over again you're not going to change your opinion because of that but if you do that consistently in a very calm way scheifele i already told you no and yes again no you say it with the same convoys if you keep on raising raising raising your voice every time the no gets higher and higher and then at the tenth time you say yes that is the worst that can ever happen but what happens to a child is a child once told me oh in our house we have a sales price we have a price list that's the ones that mean the prices oh we know that if we want to go out to play in the evening out on the street we know that we gotta ask three times from mommy we gotta ask three times from taki we gotta ask four times if you wanna have a sleepover oh that's a fifteen time you gotta ask fifteen times after three times you're getting yes it's not gonna work that's not a healthy boundary healthy boundaries focus only on what the child can do that's number one say it in the right tone in the right way be consistent and the child will listen to you you never have to be afraid that council shall and the child will get turned off we were so afraid to be strict with our children to set the healthy boundaries because what's going on that so many stories that we have that we hear children leaving no child left because of this never ever ask anyone who's involved dealing with these children who leave our system no one left because they had a healthy parent who gave them healthy boundaries what the child needs i think i'll stop right here and i'll give you back the floor wow beautiful opening stark um a lot of people are texting questions again before we get into the questions we have rabbi tawba here this is you know this is his opinion this is what he's always against any questions please text me on chaparnis we have a list of people that want to go live there's a bunch of questions that got sent in we want to get through and uh there's a lot to ask enough is a big topic um so definitely let's get into it we'll start off with a few questions rabbi tauber yes and let's go okay a little more detailed so somebody sends in when i ask my child to help around the house to put away simple stuff is that considered i'm teaching them to clean up or is it considered that i'm controlling my child's behavior very very good question and there's a very broad question because it's not only with helping it's it's something that takes over the entire household it's telling a child what to do they cannot issue or a control issue okay now that depends on the child that is something i i think i should clarify it depends on the child some children who who don't need for power for example is at level two or three on the scale they will accept any um demand a request with no problem do this do that no problem no problem they'll just listen because they want to listen and they have no problem accepting it if you have a child that has a higher need for power and you tell them for example what your question was clean up the room now if this is a child with high with a high need for power what happens is even though the child wants to do it they really want to have no doubt in that the child wants to listen they want to please the parents they want to do it but what happens was they just got stung ouch they would it just hurts them it's just a matter of fact that they're in pain that someone told them what to do even if they want to do it so what is the that does not mean that if you have a child like that and the child interprets it into control the child like that takes it from a killer uh aspect and turns it into a controlling thing oh you're controlling me all the time you can talk about that we're not controlling them we're telling every child the same thing one child has no problem with it this particular child that blames and claims that they're being controlled is because they're having a hard time getting it so with a child like that you want to deal with this child a little bit different so i think if you should i explain give you two three examples how to deal with such a child one or two examples yeah okay one example a child that has a high need for power number one which is common sense limit your requests we have no idea anybody of us if we should ever put in a recorder into our kitchen supper time from five in the afternoon until bedtime how many times we tell our children what to do sit down get up do this do this be quiet talk pick up the phone hang up the phone oh so many requests sit down we keep on telling children what to do now every child no problem but when a child with this high need for power every time they're being told what to do it's a stock they can't stop wow again again again so it comes to a point that they break so with a child that you know get to know your child that this child has a hard time accepting requests they have a hard time accepting boundaries even if they want to do it first of all limit your requests you don't have to tell them when you put their supper on the table there's no reason you have to tell this child go sit down he'll he or she will go and sit down and eat it you'll see they will not go to sleep and the supper will stay on the table maybe they'll do it once because they're so used to you telling them what to do they'll test you but in the long run they do what's right they know what's right that's one thing the second thing is give them choice a child that has diamonds for power give them options give them choice that can be done in many different ways it can be as simple as the mother the child is playing in the kitchen this could be a five-year-old and the child is playing in the kitchen and the mother is preparing let's say she's going to make supper now and she asks the child so honey what what do you think i should make for supper today should i cook rice or potatoes for you makes no difference you're going to do whatever the child tells you but that child got a dose of power my mother asked me what to do what to make her suffer she doesn't even know what she's getting that pain of power just got an infusion it got filled so anytime you give a child like that choices it fills that need so when it comes it's full full full it's 75 full now when it comes to going to sleep and you tell this child now it's bedtime you have to go to bed it's still hard for them but it's much easier for them to listen to you to go to bed at nine o'clock with a full stomach meaning a full tank of power than an empty tank and that is something where if you have a child that has issues of accepting control accepting boundaries give them this is one example of giving them choice by telling they should tell you what to do in certain ways or practically speaking the child is playing outside and it's bedtime so the child wants to go out to play so you tell the child so you know mushy eight o'clock is better you know that right so you're going out to play now what do you think what time do you are you gonna get it to be in bed on time of day you give him the option he's probably gonna say 7 45 the last 15 minutes 50 minutes is enough for me to go up to but give him the chance i gave you the option so let him eight seven forty five you make sure that he comes in and if he's not in bed at eight the next day you tell him look yesterday it didn't work out do you think you can do it in 15 minutes you want to try it again or do you maybe you want to change your options you can work with a child and i'm i'm doing it very as a matter of fact but this happens all the time your boundaries are strong eight o'clock is better that is something you will not let go because the child needs that boundary that shows the child i have a parent that protects me knows what's good for me you don't abuse your boundaries never i just want to elaborate a little bit more into somebody texted and it's a good point how do i stay in control of myself when a child doesn't cooperate doesn't pitch in and doesn't stop fighting so you tell the child eight o'clock you tell the child clean up the dishes help it yeah and then and charles says you know you know a nice way krishna doesn't do it so how do we stay in control and swallow that pill logic i mean it's emotional so it's hard okay now obviously you understand this question has nothing to do with feminism right it's the self-control of it because the child's self-control so again it's information i can tell you what i use for myself the more we educate ourselves if i understand why why do we get so upset when a child disobeys our orders for two reasons number one we think that the child is bad this is a bad child with a huge anxiety i gotta crush this yeah it's not out of him push it out that's number one why we get so upset that i'm having a bad child what can i do and the second reason is because we take it personal that the reason my child is not listening to me is because he's laughing on his life he doesn't he ignores me both are not true this child is not a bad child that he doesn't listen and he's not doing it to spite you has nothing to do with you he doesn't mean you so the more you understand where this child is coming from you can stay calm because you did like any nurse go to a hospital the nurses go from bed to bed they have sometimes i i watch it sometimes if unfortunately you have to be in the hospital sometimes i like to watch the emotions behind their actions they can deal with people who scream say bad words to them like really not appreciating the work they do they they don't even they don't even blink why because they know these are sick people a person who is in pain is in a bad mood they will not be appreciative most people they'll be obnoxious they know it they don't take it personally anybody any professional who takes their work personal will get burned out very soon very fast so it's same as with parents if you know your child does not mean he doesn't mean to hurt you to disrespect you he's doing it for their own needs this child is basically hurt they're in pain someone told me what to do it's very hard for them to accept there's nothing with you so if i know that the child does not need me i'll stay calm i'll just say it again now this depends on the age so in a young child that you can physically take and put into bed that is one thing all the children you cannot physically pick them up and put them into bed because it just won't work so obviously this is something i don't think we'll have time to get into that how to set how to move to the next step after the boundaries if they don't listen on a constant basis about punishing about rewards and all these all these things how do you deal with that again this is something we discuss in great detail in the course but in one word as answering your question how do you stay calm build get information understand why the child is doing it a lot of food a lot of emotion emotional work for the parents right a lot of emotional work i just i know we're not discussing um hi there teachers i just if i can throw in what should a teacher or ever do with such a child that needs control you're talking about who 28 or 32 in the class another question thank you i really appreciate it because i have something to say once a teacher told me she asked me about a specific girl that she had in class that just was totally out of control really she was a very difficult kid difficult home difficult kid so she asked me and longs to make to make a long story short she told me look it's eating me or her i can take after girls in the class 29 i can deal with they're all kinds of it's also not easy this child this child will be in my class i'm leaving i can't it's either me or her i told her you know if if you a doctor who works as a psychiatrist he works in a psychiatric ward in the hospital what's his job he got he comes in he walks he goes from room to room evaluating his patients looking at them these are unhealthy psychiatric ward you're talking about very unhealthy people he observes them looks at them and prescribes the medicine accordingly imagine a doctor comes into a room and there's a patient screaming and hollering get out of my room i don't talk about her screaming the doctor oh it's either me or you if you're not gonna stop screaming i'm leaving that's not a doctor listen to the screams this this is an unhealthy person he or she is screaming for a reason listen prescribe medication for the reason they're screaming you're a teacher you're telling me i'm leaving if this child is in class so why are you a teacher you don't belong in the class to begin with i'm not talking about his unique unique cases i'm talking about 80 90 percent of issues that happens in the class and higher school doesn't make a difference when you have a child that's struggling that's why i'm the ready i'm the teacher not to say you know what if you're sick i'm not gonna be your doctor i'm i'm the doctor because you're sick if you have a child that's struggling in class there is a lot along those lines that can be used in the classroom as well in a certain way it's easier because they're all the same age at home you have different ages so the approach to the seven-year-old is different than the 17 year old in a class when you take a certain approach they're all the same age it's much easier you see the progress much faster and and you understand the issue is much easier because in the child when you have 30 children in the class and the teacher comes in and says everybody sit down it's so black and white to see 27 children we'll see that and two of them will remain standing for another 10-15 seconds and one will have to be told again until they sit down what just happened children have no problem accepting the boundaries rules control you don't they know that this is on there's no question all every child knows the teacher comes in you have to sit down they're willing to listen so 27 sit down immediately two of them they're in the diff they have their their needs for power is number seven eight so uh they just uh oh okay i'll wait five seconds and i'll sit down and one who's number nine or ten has to be told again and if you approach this child you started you're you're not listening you're disrespecting this child has no clue what you want from there or him and this is not connected to hutzpah at all this child is a good child wants to listen they were just beaten with a stick they were told to sit down they're playing you tell a child a three-year-old child who's playing with a ball okay finish pull down the ball one more throw they need to throw it one more time why not that they don't want to listen to you they it's hard for them some children will put it out right away don't take it personal they don't mean you it's it's about them and if you understand that and you tell a child wow i notice it's hard for you to listen i notice it's hard for you to sit down and you're still doing it because you're a good child basically this is what the child needs to hear that yes it's hard for me but i'm still being looked at and appreciated for who i am very good okay so this is an interesting question that came in it's basically a continuation of what we spoke about before so my son understands the value of doing the mitzvah but when it when it comes to actually doing it he does it without any excitement without without passion how can i help him to be more enthusiastic about when he does something he should do it with a geshmach i think part of it was answered before in the beginning of our talk um anytime a child when when you have a child who is struggling with yes they know what they have to do but they have no desire like you know like you guys they have no hashing to do it the reason why this happens is not that because the child doesn't want to do it it's just for the same reason we don't do it we also don't have the desire and friendship all the time to do what we're supposed to do and we're still doing it maybe i should um i can give you an amazing story which i heard from a close relative of mine in barrow park there's a big southern russian once a child a father came in with a bar mitzvah going to the remnant the father told the rebbe that my son wants to ask something he has a question what's his problem something he has no desire to doubt just doesn't like doubling and now that he's becoming what should he do he has to die three times a day and when he has no high shift enough what should we do give him advice so the rabbit took hold took the hands of this boy and looked in eye to eye and told him you sometimes told me to down so you shook his head now that i want to tell you something i also don't have sometimes i checked it out you know what i do i don't i don't without but in his level he said that sometimes i don't have high what do i do i'm doubling without it this boy walked out with a dose of information that helped him his whole life you don't have to only done only if you have if you don't know there's something wrong with you yes sometimes i don't have a desire to do it this is our job as parents to give them the information you you have control over your actions you have control over your knowledge you know you want to do it you understand what you're doing you're doing it this is what hashem wants you to do nasa then hashem wants from us we should do the mishma means we should hear we should learn nowhere in the toilet does it say that we have to do things with high ship with desire it's not mentioned this is something that hashem gives us again this is a whole topic on its own so you think that's wrong now why yes why not when yes but the fact is to answer the question a child doesn't have a desire to do what they know because they're normal people normal they're healthy okay guys let's go to some live questions you're on hello yeah yes yeah hi okay what about the step before that um that what like what boundaries you set when it comes to the child not even wanting to do them it's a forget the desire level um the child he's a good kid i just don't want to dive in so i'm not going to dive in do you so we're not even talking again about the having the comes along with it but we're talking about how much do you push how much do you say okay i'm not going to push now because i don't want to push them too hard and in terms of any mitzvah very good question okay yes thank you for bringing it up um obviously um it depends on the age of the child obviously um when the child i'm going to use your example yes about daphne okay a child who we're not talking about he doesn't have a desire to doubt he doesn't want to down their own okay so it depends on the age it's got to be age appropriate sometimes unfortunately i've seen it we'll take a child to 8 9 10 and we're telling them for example on shabbos 2000 from the beginning to the end why we have to understand let's put the put the fact straight a child until barbara smith does not have to doubt they put her from all the mistress it's only because of him that they have to govern we want them to know that when they become barbara smith it's hard to start something that you've never done in your life so we're being behind of them if by me pushing this child at the age of 9 10 to double will be counterproductive to him why am i doing this i'm just doing the opposite i'm going against my own will i'm trying to be this child and i'm basically being to hate governing we hear this from children all the time not from children from adults they hate governing because they will force them it becomes bad things so let's put it in perspective number one again this is our own work as parents i'm starting out with ground at ground zero the child does not have to down once that's clear now let's start this how old is this child does this is this child struggling with ever if the child has a hard time saying the words is struggling make them say much less give them the big words if a child has a hard time doubting make them say only nishmas they don't have to say everything because or shaman those that are printed with big words because it's easy for them to say i always tell parents when i'm many times asked from parents with an oldest child my child is eight nine ten it's my oldest child a boy he doesn't want a dog and i want him to know so as to what are you asking them well i'm not gonna anyway but from hobie taylor lady like the main part of governing he should have so i always tell these fans do me a favor write this down on a piece of paper write the date that you asked me this question i asked and listen this date the question about my mushi who is 10 years old that i want him to double the entire dominican chavez what should i put it away when your youngest child in 20 years from now will be 10 years old you're gonna come back to me and say i don't know what to do the ready of my child is making him dumb sending home the papers from header that he has to double this it's way too much what it is only 10 years old why does he have to dozen so much what happened the children didn't change it's the same 10 years old we changed this is my oldest this is my youngest with all these children it's always that we're they made us parents so we always want them to do more the second goes down the level so we ask again let's focus on ourselves answering your question it depends on the age of the child it depends why the child doesn't want to doubt him if it's a healthy child who knows how to doesn't they know they've you only asked from them was what is eight him or her what is age appropriate for that age then you stand on your grounds the same as with any boundary but make sure not to ask them to do to be to do it happily with a big smile on their face this is not what you do you're just going to do now it's show this morning for example come stand by the table open the center you're going to say this one page if you're consistent and calm the child will do it 100 it takes time until they get used to it that my parents mother father will only ask me to do what is age appropriate they do it with warmth they understand me that i don't want to do it it's all that is all part of the package so you're making them listening to you by understanding them oh my answer was fair enough yeah meredith okay we have so many more questions to go you're on live uh hi um so my my ex would always say that you can't make a child do something you have to convince them to want to do it on their own uh to me this was almost like letting the child set their own boundaries um and giving them control of the dynamic so i'm just wondering if was this attitude a proper perspective okay um okay very very it's a broad question there's a lot of details to it so i'll just pick on one thing because we don't the time doesn't allow too much um a hundred percent i'm a hundred percent with you i'm not sure what what what your understanding is that there's no such a thing for a child to set their own boundaries because you're just contradicting each other a child cannot set their own boundaries they have their own needs they have their own wants what they want they need yes but boundaries is not something that a child can set they don't have the ability to do it they cannot stick to it they cannot be consistent with boundaries to children boundaries is always set by a parent but when it comes to being how lenient and i'm not again there is a line that i use again coming back to example that we used before about getting up in the morning it's something i once discussed it uh at home with my wife which a lot of the information i have is from her she gave me a line that i use a lot when it comes to getting up making children get up and she told me our job is not to make our children get up our job is to make our children grow up now once you're focused my focus is to make my child grow up that is my focus so sometimes it's get up sometimes it's get down sometimes it's eat sometimes it's don't eat there's no rules how you make a child grow so you set your boundaries and it's all feeding that and desire of making your children growing up so to answer the question though we cannot have our children set their own desires a hundred percent not it's self-understood but at the same time we have to work with the child with their nature with their needs that they should take it in the proper way let's get into this question this question everybody gets the question you ready whatever i ask my daughter to do her answer is always why do i explain do i have to explain everything i just say because the father said the mother said how do you deal when the child says why why why can i ask you why why you saying it so naturally all right today i probably heard it 13 times so that's fine why okay this is a very very very good point to bring up um again if it's when a child let's say if you tell a child it's bedtime it's eight o'clock let's say eight year old nine o'clock it's bedtime you gotta go to bed why this child did not ask you why okay the child knows that it's a bad time there's no lack of knowledge so when a child asks you why or something that you are convinced that they know why you're not gonna answer the why because you're making it fuller of yourself this is not what they were asking they said why they meant something else completely they meant to say i don't want to they meant to say i'm going to drag out my conversation with you for another 15 minutes so i don't have to go to bed they have all different reasons why they're saying they're just saying why so you don't answer this is when you know that they know the answer to dubai if you don't know you you you never be done meaning you don't go with if you don't know if the child knows the answer to the why give them the benefit of denial to answer now when the answer you know levels you don't always have to answer at the moment so if you tell a child let's say the child says i want to go out to play it's nine o'clock at night and you don't just know you cannot get out and you cannot go to play it uh it's not it's too late you can but why why this girl this friend goes they get into us so you know if you're gonna start answering them right now the why you're going to go into an argument it's never going to end so what do you say to the child in that moment at that moment you say look you're not going out to play now it's too late i understand you asked me why i want you to understand why because this way you'll know it for yourself but not now now you're not going out to play tomorrow if you you come to me ask me why i'll explain it to you 80 she will not come back tomorrow as the one because she knows why and if she does come back to you you have an opportunity to give her again to build up their knowledge explain to them it's dark whatever it is explain them the reason why but again you gotta be careful that you really know the answer why just don't if we're just shooting no and then we don't really hold but we we don't really need know the reason why we said no we're in trouble so again we have to again this comes back to the beginning we have to be very serious with ourselves whatever we do ask from a child it should be oh scout it should be appropriate and consistent so the child there's no lack of trust when the child asks you why it's not a reason it doesn't show that they don't trust you it's something else either they really don't know why or they're just trying to buy time or basically saying i don't want so the reason that is the answer in short when the child keeps on saying why why why you have to know [Music] why why why every time i want to get into a big topic it's a general question but i think this is a very i think this is going to open up to share a lot bottom line there's certain things every mushrook has you know certain fine lines certain things not certain things yeah whatever that is so the question is more general when and in which area do we have to give in sometimes and when do we have to stand by the principles for example how do i know i can't be mike but on everything so it's what if so it's only my bottom line as i stand up for like what what when this could die to given ones could i not to give it and what what things can we be more flexible i know it's a very broad question that is no no it's a very good question but it's so i don't even know where we're going to hold on to it like which which end to start with because there's so many um is there any general rule certain things that never never you'd never bend on whether it's yiddish guide or whatever there's certain things that even though you say eight o'clock you tell the kid ten times you go to sleep at eight thirty tell the kid like what things that we have to be solid on what things can can we be negotiable okay it's obvious something that is against allah is not emotional and the way you expect if a child wants to do something that is not allowed i'll be targeted to do or not to do whatever it is you just don't scream no we're not allowed to it's an opportunity to explain to a child something deeper than just saying no and for example um you can tell a child look i understand you want to do something but the allah says that we're not allowed to do it let's say a child wants to play with a certain game on chance here it's a classic okay a small child six seven year old certain game and they know it chavis but so you can tell the child in one second no matter we're not allowed to play it's mix it we're not allowed to play with it and you shut it up or you can tell the child look i understand that you want to play with it i fully understand you but we have a shot on earth that i'm not in control over that i also listen to that same character when i also have sometimes desires to do differently i always listen to the essential knowledge whoever lives this house is has a mezuzah on the door has foreign we are governed by hashem and his toilet the rules of this house is not sent by me or by mommy or whatever it's set by hashem whoever lives in this house listens to those rules and it's beautiful because we can learn it and understand what's happening what we're doing so basically you're telling the child in a very nice way that you're not just saying no you're not allowed to do it this is when it comes to you you're throwing in the beauty of hindustan and you also at the same time giving the child information that this house is ruled by so it's not i'm not allowing you to do it it's a shadow doesn't want you to do it and i'm also listening to it so i have no right to tell hashem okay i'm going to break the rules for my daughter for my son i cannot do that i don't own the shogunate that is when it comes to allah when it comes to other things again this is something that's very unique it's very neat for every child it depends what the rule is when you do give in when you don't give in and mr i'll talk about it when we when we do the closing i'll elaborate maybe at that point when to give in when not to give in in in a deeper way but because part of being a healthy person is to give in sometimes you don't want to be obnoxious you know we have action say no no no no never and never give up i never give in because you want to child your child also to give in sometimes so when do we juggle that how do we teach our children to give in we'll talk about it later but to answer your question that is basically if it's alohe it's something we cannot do and you explain why we cannot do it if it's not if it's more something you ask them to do again if it's bedtime for example and the child is really wanting one night to stay up a little bit longer there's nothing wrong if you're very consistent on every night that bedtime is bedtime and all the rules are kept and one night you really understand why the child wants to stay up later she has something important to do or a phone call to make whatever it is so you give him you say eight nine o'clock is that time but to know i know you have something important no problem you can stay up another 50 minutes there's nothing wrong with that that doesn't mean that you're lowering your standards at all very interesting um i want to take you to the next level while you're talking about finish the way you put it down with clarity and uh it's very schmack it sounds very relaxed but i know there are sometimes houses that it's a little bit more noisy than that and if they will be sitting with you maybe you'll be more relaxed but there's a lot going on and the kids could be fitbit and they don't listen and the question basically is my child he talks back doesn't listen how to stay calm you know you know you got to take care of it you can't let them do whatever they want and can i tell my child you're being disrespectful how do we deal with the heavy heavy emotions when it does come up when it's hard when when the kids scream back and this kids but obviously when the child talks back to a parent in a speeding away real history way using words that are not appropriate or something like that obviously you have to stop it every single time it should never ever be ignored if a child uses a bad word towards a parent it can never ever be ignored because if you let it go once the child got a message that it's okay so it depends on your mood so if my father is in a good mood i can say that things to him and if he's in a bad mood i cannot say anything to him something that's not allowed to be used against the parent like you mentioned before should never be about and how do you tell a child not to be hits with it you don't have to start screaming like once the father was screaming on his child not to scream the child was screaming and you were screaming and the child wants to scream you can't make a full hour of yourself the child cannot answer you back but again if you're using common sense when the child is hispanic you tell your child in a calm way the calmer you are the stronger the message a hundred percent always talking on a low tone no i'm sorry you said something now very not nice to me this is not allowed to be i don't want you to ever say that word again you say it's very calm and maybe the child will say it again to test your patience and if you lose your patience you lost another child why would i lose it again the child is testing my strength my boundaries we should never be on the same level as our children if your child goes onto the floor lays down and starts screaming and kicking and you lay down next to the child also screaming and kicking on the child who's the father who's the child who's the mother who's the child we don't know who is who they're both doing the same action one let's do it with the hands and the feet so one is doing with the mouth we're all doing the same we're both screaming and hovering so we have to again we're parents we are the parents we have to remain calm you're asking how again it takes work yes sometimes it's very hard uh you come when you come home and the house is full of radio it's all up topsy topsy turn everything every they're really really trying to get you yes sometimes it's hard and sometimes we lose it we're not angels it's fine we can make mistakes but it depends how how often it tends and and how intense it is we're allowed to make mistakes we're human beings it's normal it's part of part of it is for parents to make mistakes and how we deal with the mistakes but again when it comes down to staying calm it's strictly our own work understanding why it's happening so we don't lose ourselves beautiful rabbit tower okay so many more questions i want to get to this is the question of the million dollar question why is the time of the shabbos suit is so pressure between the seats everyone wanting to say that people refusing to say the kids being rude to each other not abounding an enjoyable time for our family what can we do to change these to this so they're not so painful maybe one day we can actually enjoy the shabbos pseudo young student together okay this is a long one and i'm gonna really actually the answer to this in great detail is will take way too long i'll just maybe touch it to one or two points that we can squeeze in tonight the number one big issue with shabbos meals shadow seed is that we're all having issues with is not our fault the main reason why we're all struggling with it is the fault of the coloring books the storybooks you may ask me what i mean if you buy a book that tells you a story about a shadow cedar in a certain family you open up the picture of the book you're going to see a picture of a long table the father is sitting with a big smile everything there's not a crown on the table everything is beautifully set the mother is sitting across from him all the children the little babies sitting in the high chair everybody is smiling a beautiful beautiful picture of a shamsman now this picture never ever happened never will happen and sometimes when we see pictures like that it gets into our brain that i'm doing something wrong that my house doesn't look like that picture not even close to it so number one let's put the facts through it the shabbos cd does not have to be a perfect picture it's normal depends on the ages of the children you have all different ages one is jumping around the older ones are sitting so let's that's number one to set our mode into the shabbos scene is don't expect a picture of those of the ones that you see all the time that's number one that lowers our standards number one we're normal now when it comes to actually sitting obviously it depends with the older children i'll start from the older down all the children if the the shabbos meal is not an interesting place to sit at why should they want to be there if they sit in the shadows meal i'm talking about a good family a 12 year old a 14 year old sits there and the father is talking about things that he has no clue what he's talking about he doesn't understand even if it's toilet the child doesn't understand it he's not talking to the level of the child or he's constantly singing the father loves to sing so he sings from beginning to day one song after another the child hates to sing there's nothing wrong with it so you expect the child to enjoy to sit there how can you do that why should you enjoy it so our work experiences number one prepare properly for every age focus for the five minutes i'm going to focus on my 18 year old five minutes on my 17 year old five minutes on my fifth year yes it's work there's no question about it but well welcome to parenting sure it's work we have to prepare for the shabbos there's beautiful boxes farm out there to prepare stories toilets and talk i always say when it comes to shabbat you know pesach what will say he puts on the white kettle and makes kiddish fast so the small children don't fall asleep they should be able to ask manish donald the four caches friday night is the same thing just with a little twist kadesh when the father comes home from june friday night he should make fast kiddish that he should not fall asleep but you should be up for the holes either so he should be able to ask caches and the children should be able to answer communicate talk and they shall see the subjects topics that the children enjoy it's not i know inshallah see this is a very holy time there's no question about it if you've seen this farm it's true but it's even holier when you have your children around you and you're having a happy and healthy yiddish family there is so much you can throw in between the lines when the children are sitting around you and listening to you and you're listening to them if you're very focused no i'm not going to talk about this i'm not going to ask my child about school and they shot the scene that's not the time to talk about lunch and plays and this no this is a serious time what do you do you lost the opportunity to connect with your child the whole week we hardly have time to talk to our children the only quality time that hashem as he still have is around the shuttle seated no phones we don't get distracted that's the only time we can communicate so we're going to lose the opportunity is the time to communicate with our children talk to them ask them questions prepare yourself ask them questions let them talk the more they talk you listen to them so it's a cycle you talk they listen they talk you listen so and you talk subjects they won't now obviously you're still going to say that you still have the smears there's no problem with that but you'll see if you do that age-appropriate you focus on every child they're gonna listen now a small child a three-year-old a five-year-old cannot and does not have to sit at the table for the entire season you can't expect it from them and there's no need for them to be there but even a small child the three-year-old will sit in the beginning to either holla and a little piece of fish or whatever they want if you talk to them but if they have to sit and it's a dim everybody's sitting around like soldiers and there's a general sitting up there throwing you know looks at you that can burn i would run from such a place why would i want to sit there it's totally frightening uninteresting depressing i hate it why would a woman say that so do just the opposite don't be frightening be loose be happy be calm have fun make it fun talk what they want to talk ask them what they want to be asked sing what they like to say yeah you still have to see these mirrors no problem but if they have a song that has nothing to do with shabbos has to do with questions whatever it is sing it your goal is not the song you go to the connection that is what you focus on you'll see that things will change all of a sudden they're all going to be around you and they shall see they're all going to be waiting for you they're going to love every moment of it and if not the opposite happens a lot of a lot of work just all that fun time but the rewards are so big that it pays off if not after 120 pays off you see the results quite quite fast if you do it properly beautiful um there's a question um that i know a lot of merchandim have and some parents um they would like to give the children things and have them earn earn it so what's your opinion about giving prizes when is it considered bribery and when is it an incentive for what they're doing for chores in the house okay are you giving me all the hard ones okay look when it comes to reward or publish your question was about rewards when when is it bribery when is it rewards right makes a big difference it depends what you're working what you are rewarding your child on and how often it happens so for example if you go and start doing a reward chart or whatever it is you're going to start rewarding your children on something that they have to do normal normal things basic behavior not out of the norm just basic behavior you don't reward something on something that's normal that that's that's expected from them to do there's no reason to do that and you're not gonna i'm talking about in general now i'm gonna get into more detail in a minute but first general rule is you don't reward on something that's expected from a child to do because it's a normal thing to do if your child eats three times a day you're not going to reward them for it because what happens is they're getting your own message that i'm doing something out of the ordinary why am i getting rewarded for it they're getting the wrong message so you don't want to reward them on something that is expected to them to do this is in general but for example if you want your child to make his bed every day when he gets out of bed then he should make it to make his bed so again this is something normal for a child to do that you shouldn't have to reward a child in general okay if you have a particular child that you know this child has an issue with making his or her bed that's your weakness just a weakness that every person has their own weaknesses so you want to encourage the child to do something normal so you tell the child look you have to make your bed every day to make it tiny but i know it's hard for you so i'm going to give you something to encourage you to do something that you want to do maybe that will give you an incentive so you're not bribing the child for doing it you're just giving him or her an incentive to do something they want to do but if it's something out of the ordinary i don't know if they're gonna really clean up things that they don't have to clean or wash or whatever help out do extraordinary things every child at all level or with boys if they learn something not the standard they learn missionaries on their own or anything like that yes then it's appropriate to do to give rewards because they're doing something they don't have to do they're not getting the wrong message you always want to be focused on what is the message that my child is getting by this reward that is the uh someone once told me and i'm going to say the truth not someone it happened with me okay when we were children my father had we were four it was as some as summary sharp as i have to do we have we finished the champions it was under one o'clock midnight was eight seven hours to bear we were not going to sleep and so we had seven hours i was a child i was at that time about 10 or 11 years old and there was me and two of my younger brothers at that time my father told us after the meal he said you know when you take out the secretary you say there's so many whoever is going to learn brexit this afternoon from the beginning to the end we'll get something i don't remember what the reward was he told us he's going to give us a reward if we hazard there are words to say for for adults imagine for children so i was sitting i was breathing i was breaking my head first my tongue and then my head to get the words in and i was successful i was i was able he performed if they hate me i got my reward i think it was a safer or whatever it was i can tell you one thing it took me a very long time i was able to save rickshaw this is with a reward i got something this was something it brought back bad memories i wanted to i had to show that i could do it i wanted to be the good boy that i'm gonna make it and i got the reward but the end result was he met well obviously surely went through it for something to do an activity we didn't have to do it i didn't have to do it he didn't force me to do it but i forced myself the reward made me for a long time i remember every even until today but now it's no it's no longer with pain it's just a memory but as i was 14 15 and a half i'm saying because ah oh this virtually this water ha this right this is with a reward and imagine if it happens as a punishment if you tell a child you were bad but the shoppers eater for the next six hours you're going to sit and house a restaurant i'm going to hear you at seven o'clock in the afternoon if you don't know it who knows imagine what everybody does and this happens all the time this is rewards and punishment can have the counter effect of what you want you want to give a reward to build a love to a certain things and it can have the counter effect and you can give it punish because you want a child to fix their actions and it does happens okay let's get into this topic this is a very important one very very correlate to this my child my daughter my son came home a few days ago complaining about her teacher his rebbe right now what's the mouth i personally believe the teacher is wrong how do i react to my daughter or my son just doesn't look down at the teacher you know this comes on the rebbe punish me for no reason or and maybe sometimes you hear the way the son or the daughter says it definitely sounds a little bit too much but on the other hand how do you deal with you can't tell your kid you know your rep isn't triggered so how do you deal with these situations first of all to make it just uh to correct one thing when the child comes home and says my rabbits are uh you stop him right there because no matter how wrong that ever was he's never unsure there's something you want to tell each other if they use the word that's not a problem if they use it with us they tell us there's certain words that are never used with authority with respect to people okay so that is number one but getting into your topic to your question um it's a big big topic i'm gonna try to really answer it in three minutes if a child comes home and tells you well let's make an example that my rebbe embarrassed me in front of the whole class and told me that i did something wrong and he made me do something and he and the rebbe was wrong i did not do it so he comes on crying he tells you nothing i ready punish me he embarrassed me in front of the whole class he accused me of doing something i really didn't do it okay this is the story how do you react the problem is you were not in class you were not there when it happened you hear your child's version of the story so there could be a few scenarios number one could be your child is right it could be a childhood he was the remy was really wrong so you can never tell your child no your rabbi is right if you already punished you he knows what he's doing you can never tell that to a child because you don't know the facts your child knows the facts he knows deep inside if he did it or he didn't do it so if your child tells you i did not do it you don't know the truth so if you tell the child whatever the rabbit did is right you're basically giving the telling the child i don't believe you what you're saying and the rabbi is right and that is something you don't want to say not that the rebels right that he is wrong because you don't know on the other hand to say no yeah you haven't made a mistake listen listen every person can make mistakes even arabica makes mistakes so he made a mistake with you how can you say that you don't know maybe your child did it he's obviously saying he didn't but maybe he didn't so how can you you cannot say the rebbe is wrong you cannot say the rebels right what do you do so number one is 90 of what the child really needs 90 of the scenarios there are exceptions 90 of the scenarios but what a child really needs is compassion understanding empathy that's all they want they most of the time that he did something wrong he deserved it yes he's hurt he got a punish he's really hurt so he wants to cry on his father or the mother so you give them the empathy the understanding i know it's hard for you that's number one number two what do you tell the child you can tell the child look i hear what you say you're telling me that you didn't do it that you already punished you for no good reason hey wow that must be very painful for you but i was not there i don't know what happened you say the baton you ready obviously thinks that it did because he punished you so since i wasn't there do you want me to call up your abbey and ask him the details about the story once you say that ninety percent of the children will say please don't call they will ask you not to go because they know the truth if the child tells you yes yeah call naremi okay i will but not now let's first relax have a bit of just not an emergency for this minute let's relax a little bit have something to eat relaxing and let's talk tomorrow morning before you go to school hi there let's start telling them if you still want me to call your parents you're you're really a teacher in the morning the ten percent who did want last night will probably go down to one percent that they still want you to call the teacher there and if they want you you do make the call but once you make the call obviously you will never accuse a teacher already with bad words but how come this how come that you were not there you don't know the circumstances and the worst case scenario yes maybe they made a mistake yes they were wrong so you discuss it with them in a nice way the bottom line that i want to really bring out here is what you never tell a child that yurabi is wrong that you ever made a mistake i'm talking about general stories not because really something bad happens which unfortunately does i personally know many stories rabbi's teachers who did and said certain things to children i'm dealing with them at the age of 30 40 they're still suffering from those words that they were told as a child so it happens unfortunately yes but that's not the majority the question you asked probably that's which happens in every single family is something that happens and it's normal that it should happen even if they made a mistake you never want to tell your child that the rabbi is wrong because for a child a rebbe a teacher is authority and once the child a young child starts getting the message that authority can be wrong they don't know how to differentiate between this authority and that all of a sudden whatever the rabbi is going to say is wrong they will lose trust they will lose respect and that is something you don't want to do so you you say the worst case scenario with your question is that the rabbi will tell the child and most of the time they have no problem doing it they'll call over the child and say you know what i gave you a punishment a few days ago i made a mistake i asked you the healer forgive me i didn't know under the circumstances obviously i thought you did it it can be fixed in no time but this is one or two percent of the stories most of the time they calm down they can accept a child is resilient a child can accept failure a child can accept mistakes as long as we are there for them to be there for them to understand them to give them the empathy to give them the warmth then there's no problem okay let's jump to the next question over here hold on one second okay let's get into this one a lot of times um my child of different ages right behaves in ways that they that that are not the way i wish how could i react it's very nice idea that to accept your child unconditionally no matter how they behave however why should i let them just do and behave without respect to us and the huts for the way they interact with us if i don't approve so basically the child is trying to act in ways that i wish they didn't act they were talking about getting young children so we're not talking about you know can you rephrase the question and then the point how do we deal with kids when they start doing micro movements of things that we don't like the way how do we react to it i mean obviously talking about younger kids when i talk about 13 450 and i can give you a thousand examples right have a six-year-old starts wearing cooler clothing starts talking a certain way starts acting a little bit you know i mean okay okay i understand you understand the question basically um in short again this is a big topic but in short to answer is when you the biggest problem that happens when we have a young child we're talking about 3 to 13 so this can happen usually at the age of 10 11 12 when they start acting out a little bit different dresses different coats different styles a little bit okay the worst that can happen is what's very classic so for example you have a child that all of a sudden the you see let's say you have a boy a 12 year old boy and he stands in front of the mirror every morning for 20 30 minutes beautifying himself his hair his style i don't know whatever he's doing he's spending a lot of time there and you don't like it what happens we sometimes the biggest mistake that can happen we will react to that scenario in a totally inappropriate way meaning we're gonna attack the child what are you doing in front of a mirror for so long are you crazy you know i don't even know if it's allowed to be about to stand in front of the mirrors for so long yeah a little bit they never what are you doing you attacked the child as if he would have done the gimmel avarice ramirez one minute the anger the upsetness we get so turned on with so much casts and why why do we do that where is this coming from why do we get so upset when we see a child doing acting out a little thing like yes our response our reaction is completely out of order why the reason it happens is because i saw a boy in shul or on the street of the there and the father of that child told me you know how it started when he was 10 12 years old he was standing in front of the mirror making beautifying himself he was focused only on clothing and all these things he was totally into that so all of a sudden i have this fear in myself that oh if it happened to that boy forever so now i have my child doing the same thing i already see the end result this is what he's going to look at in five years from now so you attack him as if as if he is this bad totally of the derek's child which is totally not true 99 of the time when the child acts out with small things it's something it's coming from inside them they either they appreciate nice clothing they have no bad intentions has nothing to do with hashem they don't mean bad and if we attack them then it's a yiddish kite issue they have no idea what we're talking about they get very upset because it shows them that we have no clue who they are that we don't understand them we don't understand what they like what they need that is the message they're getting so how do you have to react when you see a child acting out with small things talk to them the best thing is not to do it while they're doing it because they're very defensive at that moment a child who's doing something out of the box even if it's a small thing they will defend themselves so if you're going to talk to them at that moment they will not accept what you're saying because they're on the defensive mode but in a day next week wait a little bit and you sit down with the child normally and say you know what i notice that you like a certain clothing that you like a certain sneaker a certain style and you start talking with the child i understand why you like it i also like certain things that are maybe not so appropriate it's fine there's nothing wrong that you like it but then you get into it that look our background on the soil what we're doing what we're wearing what we're not wearing where this where that you start to explain you talk to the child as adult to adult as a human to a human you're not accusing him not looking down at him they will listen to you again if the whole mahalo goes on it's all if you can see the whole two hours now we're all coming back to the same point stay focused treat them as a human being don't they don't require ask them to do certain things that they cannot control they feel human they feel understood they feel a mensch if they feel themselves they want to be good they want to please they want to be elohim there's no question about it so all we have to do is when you see a child acting out in small things let it be a small thing don't blow it out of proportion let it stay small talk to the child ninety-nine percent of the ch the the child will listen to you and if they have a desire again work with them if you have a certain child that really appreciates a certain style of clothing different colors that you don't like you're a black and white person and your child is orange and green it's a matter of taste it doesn't have to mean that you're gonna shut this person down your childhood completely work with them it's okay especially if it's a girl she likes certain clothing certain shoes certain you know hair stuff it's okay it's not we're not in a box completely we have leniencies that we can let go a little bit i'll be toilet there's no question about it but when we're so strict and focused no if i like this style you have to like my style it's totally not true you don't like the style that your mother likes so why should your child have to like what you like so again this is all coming back to the same point understand why they're doing it it's not coming from a bad place beautiful okay one more live question for tonight's last live question hi yes okay i want to know how can you ask um kids to help without giving them the responsibility of a parent like i've when i was a child i had a lot of responsibilities that i felt my mother asked me to help what language should you use that the kid shouldn't feel that is their responsibility as a parent wow very very very good question thank you for asking it's it's a very painful question because it happens so often and [Music] basic i think you know the answer your question was basically what words should we use proper words that this child shouldn't take it as they are responsible that is that that is a very good question but the concept of it is no question a child should never be responsible as a parent they have a child has responsibilities that we want to give them basically most of the time they're only responsible on themselves again age-appropriate a seven eight-year-old has no cannot really be responsible even for themselves as they get older yes you want to give them responsibility i'm here to help you to help you be responsible but i cannot be responsible for you but this is on the on personal things but when it comes to the household which just i think this was your question like yeah watching on young children or making sure the house is cleaned up or all these things that should never be the responsibility of the child well again let's say if you're going away in the evening you have to go out to a centre and you have an older child an older girl that can that is age-appropriate old enough to watch over the younger children and you're giving her the responsibility so again she can never be more responsible than you are let's make that very clear meaning when you're home as the mother the children also come out of bed sometimes they also don't go to sleep on time sometimes no it does not have to happen when you swim your daughter is babysitting okay so let's be honest first of all she's she has no magic to do better than you if something is just the opposite she's not the mother so the children will take advantage of of a sibling who's watching them obviously but they're not responsible so they cannot they can carry responsibility in certain things as they get older but not the mother's responsibility the ultimate responsible person in the home is the mother so if you leave your home and you leave the children with your older daughter for example you you'll never yes what words to use you should never tell your child okay you're responsible that everybody should be in bed by mine how can she she can do what whatever she can but she cannot be responsible to do something that even you have an issue with so what can you say well it's the right words to say you're old enough i trust you that you'll be able to handle the home when i'm away i trust you so if she'll you'll come home and she's going to tell you that moishe was jumping around until twelve and husky was jumping until eleven and sorry until then you're gonna say i'm sure you did your best i trust you it wasn't so you didn't throw the responsibility on your child but you're basically asking her to take charge but you still trust her if it's not the best as if you would have done it because she cannot do it this is when it comes to household responsibility when it comes to personal responsibility yes a child has to be responsible on their own actions about the age appropriate the older they get you want to teach them that they are responsible on their own actions you are not responsible for them all we do as parents is helping them carry out the responsibilities if they won't help if they don't want help i cannot help you i hope their answer was clear enough in short it's more language what language to not to use when you ask your kids to help that's what he has to do what what right for example not to use the word responsible that that word is the word that you don't want to use you don't want to use the word to a child when it comes to the household that you are responsible for your younger children for younger siblings you're not responsible you're doing your best you're helping i really appreciate it i'm responsible part of my responsibility as the father mother is to tell you what to do but you're not the responsible figure all i'm asking you to do is to do your best um i'm gonna i'll trust that you did the best obviously if she did she tells you she did but you don't want to use any words that replaces her with you that is something you don't want to do don't give over your responsibilities so it goes i think i understand what you're aiming at because it's a very very big topic especially you said that you grew up in a home where a lot of responsibility was given out to you so i i can probably imagine what you're referring to i don't think we have the time to go too much detail on that because it goes into much deeper level because it's not just responsibility if a parent throws responsibility onto a child it goes much beyond much more beyond just responsibility it becomes guilt it turns into guilt that when you have one of your siblings not behaving properly all of a sudden since you were the responsible older sister i'm responsible for their behavior so you feel guilty that i didn't do my job properly so if something happens to the child they're not behaving properly it rolls from one issue to another it's snowballing so i'm i don't think we can get into it right now but the best in short is try not to use direct responsible you're not responsible i am responsible i'm you're just helping me with my responsibilities okay rabbit tower one last question we're gonna squeeze in and i want to go to closing okay it's a question that uh probably everybody can relate to in a certain sense my child tells me something negative about a friend who do i talk to and how do i tell them about this my 12 year old tells me that his friend is has a smart phone he has access to internet i was shocked they didn't show him i hope not what should i tell my son today it's a good friend of his like how do i deal with that he's telling me in confidence right again i have to make it very short because it's a big question um what do you what you don't want to do is break the confidence that is that should be the number one on your list on the do's and the and the don't do's when it comes to issues like this never ever do something or say something to someone that will make you household lose the trust of your child if your child tells you something in confidence and you break that trust your child will probably never trust you again never on the same level that you may build up some trust again with years but never on the same level if you betray them it goes in any relationship not just with parents and children any relationship that the the worst that can happen today is a breach of trust so you that is something you never want to do meaning you don't want to go behind your child's back so when a child tells you something bad about another or a friend let's say that the friend has a smartphone you just mentioned so what do you do with that information the what i what i did i remember i'm not getting into details so my children are probably listening so i don't want to tell the story in great detail i remember one of my children once telling me about a friend that they saw a friend doing something inappropriate they told me about it so i asked my child what do you want me to do i threw the questions straight back at them what do you want me to do with this information who do you want me to tell so because they gave it they told it to me in confidence don't tell anybody okay so if you don't want me to tell anybody i'm not gonna tell anybody but obviously it bothers you that you came to tell me why did you tell me something bothers you so i'm here for you what do you think you'll be amazed with what solutions children come up how to deal with these sensitive issues with friends how to tell the rabbi that we should never find out who the information came from they know it much better than us they'll tell you go to the father of another son of another child in the class and tell that father that you hid it from someone you have no idea who that child that father will go to the rabbi and tell the rabbi that this boy has a smartphone and no will then figure out how it happened this comes from the children they come up with these ideas they know it much better than us they're very smart and we can use that we use it we don't know the ins and outs the politics of a client sometimes so when a child tells you something in confidence they trust you have them come up with a solution have that but one thing for sure never ever break the confidence of your child never because that is so damaging to the trust between a parent and child and if you do break it let's say if it's something terrible that you have no choice you have to go to the ready and tell ready about this child and you and you your son told you in confidence if you have to if this happens tell your child you tell your son i'm really sorry i know you told this to me confidence i will never go behind your back if you tell me not to tell something i don't want to i'll never go back on my word but this is an emergency there's certain things that are anything and the child will understand that this is really urgent for care he'll see that wow look my parent is so careful about not losing my trust and and they really really are very confidential when i tell them something look but you have to be open to your child never go behind your back because they'll catch you and then it's too late okay let's go to closing now first of all versus character lucia talbor coming on tonight giving the items to steven and is a huge topic we just threw a few basic questions at you but there's thousands and thousands of questions and so much more to hear and learn so i'll say listen come back every sunday for the next who knows how many months i'm not sure we'll really conquer it i'll fill up the third volume then uh yourself again there's gonna be a course six one hour sessions and then the recess will be questioned answers on the topic so that i don't really understand it it'll be a very cheap price very affordable price for everybody special special for the oil to come and i think i think i think anybody who obviously is raising kids and found you know the tonight shirt to be helpful should definitely join it's it's it's definitely worth it um anybody wants to get a hold of raby tauber it's kesha coaching at gmail it's k-e-s-h-e-r coaching gmail.com uh can i give out the office number somebody wants to call to find out more information yes plus the office office number is 845-540-4140 and that's eight four five five four zero four one four zero again rabbit table what are you talking about tonight's comatrio southern everything was pretty bland you know from the first year i already had a cashback for you to come on 94. i believe i had everything in the back of my mind and again if anybody wants to join the what's the whatsapp chats just please what's that me at 848.525.0066.848.525.0066 save my number and every sunday i will send you the flyer please post it on your status send it to your family chats not every shirt is for everybody but everybody can gain so you never know when you when you're telling somebody about it you don't even know what you could be doing for somebody moms be helping somebody again for tonight anybody's here the first time every sunday night at 9 30 eastern time on this zoom id we have different sheer different topics spread the word next sunday march 13th we have an amazing show with ruby lozer bloom who specializes in eft therapy he's from hollywood florida we're gonna i'm calling a date night with coach monaco what is truly getting in the way of your connection relationship what you can do about it eft a roadmap to deepen your marriage again eft stands for emotionally focused therapy it's a very powerful tool it's very powerful therapy people are using it and it's really really opening up pave ways for marriages this somebody actually who started this whole thing was actually starting this particular eft for hassana menkaus before they get married how to have basic skills on focusing and communication so it should be a powerful event everybody should join i said even if you're not married you know monday it will be there it's it's communication something that it's a it's it's a must it's a must for everybody again tonight uh everything is recorded we mentioned from burnfield.com if anybody has any questions for banachim please email them at coachmanagementgmail.com tonight year's shirt number 94 and if anybody wants to hear it um on the phone with them we'll be uploading phone lines at 848 777 grow that's 848 777 grow again a special thank you to the all our advertising sponsors for jcn and for and also for okay clarity again okay clarity is the online platform for mental health supporting jewish community okay clarity to find the best therapist coaches nutritionist engage in forms and stay inspired i just want to give a closing partner you know so i'll go first i want to say tonight was beautiful it was clear and again for anybody who's listening to this who's joined later tonight we're talking about younger kids basic clinic for healthier situations just you know a lot of things you said we have cheering dealing with other crises and different situations so you know people can say oh but this guy said this no no we never had a share 94 shrimp that were focusing on younger children kind of just healthy boundaries and basic basic stuff so i felt tonight was murdered it was very clear very concise it was perfect and it's a lot more to hear from robert talbor and um he is on tour anytime people texted if you want to hear more speech you go to tour any time to hear something reach out to him if you want i definitely i advise anybody who has kids to definitely join those classes it's it's very very very affordable the sherm every time i was going to do it is very cheap and it's you can learn a tremendous amount and uh for coming and for big muscle to give you a nightly sunday night over here and coach monaco let's go wrap it up yeah just like what abusha said was very very clear and for people who want to um ask the question about their child specifically then i guess they should go to the question answer in the in the course amit hashem after pesach but just one thing when it comes to finland many people wanted to work today now and uh obviously it needs a lot of patience and it's like uh you're putting the seed in the ground and give it water and the sun and nurture what it needs and to be there and it's not easy every day to do the right thing well that's part of it there's ups and downs which is okay understand that this is part of philip slowly after weeks and months and years and they see how you're you're clear i think a lot of tonight was that the parent how clear the parent needs to be of what the parent wants and what's bothering the appearance and what's the triggers and the emotions very very important and again it's work it takes time and we've learned a lot from the past she is continue but there's a lot of a lot of self growth hashem everybody should have this yata de shmaya and thank you very much after talbot for being here tonight and giving over the clarity that we needed thank you leave the island with something to take away a strong epic start let's go i'll just first of all thank you thank you thank you both of you my coach really really i'm growing from this okay i mean it's a personal personal thank you um i just want to finish with an amazing story and i heard it from who hid it from the balamasa himself holy the heiliger builds the roof so you're gonna light it the light smells the roof the the mimic the costume was in bells at that time there were it was a huge island that wanted to go into the ready so how they set it up it was impossible to go with one at a time it was impossible so what they did was the roof it was a model kim he was sitting with his head down bow down never picked up his head never looked around but he saw everything he was sitting his head down and there was a door at the end of the room and they opened the door and people start coming in there was hundreds of people waiting outside some sometimes thousands during tishri so people were pushing and pushing and pushing in then all of a sudden the belzer roof made to a sign with his hand stop and the gambler closed the door and then everybody just walked by him and he pulled out the quickly they walked down another door on the other side but the room was empty sometimes he told them to do it again sometimes he stopped it could have meant to wait another day you know the week he was very very inconsistent it was very hard to get in so once it was uh this was going on and someone was waiting in the line ready for a few days to go in and finally the door opened up and everyone was pushing in pushing and pushing him but he was the next online to go into the room the belzerov made stop so the gamble wanted to close the door but he wiggled himself in he was the last he pushed himself in after the roofs made stop so he like he liked the idea of being the last one so he can be in the room for a long time to see him but when his uh when he when he came he was the last one on the line so he was alone in the room with the gamma and the belzer roof so the roof told them i noticed that after i made it stop you pushed yourself in i eat too much that's right how do you say oh in you should not get your way when i made the science stop you would have should have waited until your turn comes you push yourself in nothing shows feeling you shouldn't try to get you away please go back go out he didn't want to take his clicker this happening for you this this means could be he'll never get in it could be another week of waiting but the roof tells him to do this he just started walking out as he was walking out the belgium called them back he said i i should also not get my way give me your clip he took his crystal he gave him a ride so he told his heat you we should not try to get our ways all the time but then he said it on himself the same why am i bringing up the story we were talking so much about setting boundaries saying being strong being consistent yes a healthy home needs boundaries our children need boundaries and you have to be very strict on boundaries and be strong on that not to give in not to be able because otherwise the children get the wrong message but always remember we also have to be the water sometimes we should also give in sometimes and that is something we need to teach our children so when as strong as we are as we as consistent as we are on our boundaries make sure from time to time to give in to your child and tell your child you're breaking the rule i know that but you i'm gonna i'm gonna give in to you because i also have to give in sometimes you're teaching your child to be an avatar to give in not to be obnoxious not to be an action that is a real real and a huge important part of it that you want to teach our genders i just wanted to bring it out when we talk about boundaries boundaries there is a boundary to break a boundary that is also part of that we want to teach our children so hashem should help all of us together we should be able to be muhammad children with our the father and mother happily around the table with gazette gazing he's in tight with sunday night at 9 30 with real estate bloom from florida it's going to be an unbelievable program thank you for coming tonight thank you you're very welcome good night