Set Yourself Up for Successful Dating | Journey to Success - Episode 1

hello and welcome to the first session of the rebbitsons dating series i'm very excited to share with you tonight rahul goldbaum's approach to dating which is called directed dating it's a very directed approach to dating which takes you from step to step until success rahul and many other dating mentors have really seen tremendous success from this method and tremendous clarity i know uh i i know that this might sound contradictory but i really look at this method of directed dating as a science i really believe that it's a black and white system that really can help the process of dating so much easier i know i'm probably speaking to a broad crowd i'm sure there's age difference stage differences and maybe even hashgaffer level differences but i believe that this program can really be adjusted to fit any level we will have a question and answer at the end so feel free to save your questions for them okay so um the rabbitsons created um this night as a um as an opportunity to hear about successful dating so the question is how can we set ourselves up for successful dating and i'm going to use the acronym set um to explain that to you i'm going to start with the letter s s is for a staircase dating is compared to a staircase staircases come in many different sizes some are a few steps some are many steps but they all have steps every single one of you have a different staircase some of you might climb your staircase only in three or four steps and some of you might need 40 steps to climb your staircase but the common denominator is and it doesn't matter what your staircase is but the common denominator is is that we take the steps one step at a time when we're comfortable on the first step when we're comfortable where we're at we're able to move up to the second step and advance the relationship and when we feel comfortable on the second step we can move forward i feel that a lot of girls are ready on the first step on the first date they they they jump right in and they're like ah could i be married to this man could i wake up every morning to this man can this guy be the father to my children but that's that's jumping to the 20th step and that's dangerous and that's damaging when we're on the first step it's a very basic level of acquaintance it's just getting to know the person it's like having a shabbos guest at your house obviously you're going to be friendly and talkative and move the conversation but it's really at a very basic level the way the progress goes it goes from acquaintance to friend to good friend to best friend and obviously to partner and you know as this you climb up the staircase we get closer and closer and closer in our relationship now if we think about when we were in high school and we were creating friendships it took longer than 10 steps 10 dates 20 dates so to speak it took it took years to create that relationship so you know we think how is it possible for us to create this relationship so quickly and hashem in his intimate wisdom um created that magnetic pull towards the other gender to move the process along quicker and i like to compare it to those escalated walkways in the airport those long hallways that have the running conveyor belts that you can walk on so you're walking but that's like excelling you further and making you go quicker and that's how i like to compare it to that magnetic connection that hashem has created for us if a staircase is compared to the dating process then the handrail would be compared to the mentor and we here at the rebbitsons program are here to help you through this process we are that calm calming handrail for you to help you proceed from step to step a mentor is like an outside force that doesn't really have any emotional connections to what's going on to you um your mother would be very emotional about your dating and it would be hard for her to really guide you in the correct way being that she's so emotionally involved um ashatrin also is is biased honestly you know of course says shatna we all want the shidduch to work so um so she might not be the best person either um what you need to help you move from step to step is a calm outside person to not make the decisions for you a mentor is not making the decisions for you but she's just guiding you and helping this make the decisions with you in a very calm way we will learn um in the next sessions um how to excel the relationship um from step to step we start i'll just briefly say it we start with the head um and then we move down to the heart which is obviously the emotional connection so we will admit hashem get to that in later series um okay so that's that's the s the step so to keep in mind that we're on a staircase we're moving gradually step by step not jumping three at a time but taking it slow and obviously our our hope is that we're moving upwards okay let's move on to e in the word set e stands for erase your images erase the image the biggest obstacle i feel today is is is our image that we create before going out um we all in our minds think about what alhassan is going to look like um who he's going to be like will he be like my father will he be like my best friend's husband and honestly that's really a a huge mistake and and that's why we really have to erase the image and really come to the first date with a clean screen we have to clear out screen and i'll tell you why no two people are exactly the same so if you say you know i really wish i could marry someone just like my best friend's husband but that husband exists already so it's impossible for you to have someone just like him because he exists and no two people are the same or if you say uh i wish i could just marry someone exactly like my father but sorry your father's taken already so really what we have to do is really move away from creating that mr potato head if you're allowed to say that anymore but moving away from from from from that mr potato head and and and putting um all our wants into this imaginable person which obviously will never be so that's very important to erase your image and a nice tool is to close your eyes and think about wrapping up this image putting it in a box and throwing it far far away into the ocean just throw it away and come to that first date with a very clean empty screen approach that first date with tremendous curiosity it could be exciting you don't know what you're going to see and and really try to throw that image away the second part of image is not your image what we just spoke about but other people's image what other people are going to say and it's a huge obstacle in dating you know when we think about you know what our friends are going to say this is who she ended up with this is what the guy looks like this is who her family is that she got into and and it's it's it's very important to really um think to ourselves and really think deep and ask ourselves a very very important question why do we want to get married you know i know it's the thing to do but it's good to stop and think why do we want to get married and if we really delve into that question um we will realize that getting married is not a solution okay we don't get married for a solution we get married for an opportunity so what's the opportunity the opportunity is to be able to grow through someone else so basically every person has holes no one's perfect every person has holes he has holes and i have holes and he will fill my holes and i will fill his holes and together then we will become whole with a w so when we know that no one is perfect and and the main thing that we're looking for is if i am able to deal with his holes and be able to help him through his holes and if i feel good when i'm with him and i feel that he can feel fill my holes so that we can grow together that is the right approach to getting married when we can understand that that is what marriage is all about then it doesn't matter what other people say i mean we know what other people's gossip is it's a five minute dining room table talk and that's it then they move on to the next gossip you know five minutes later um we are the ones going home with this young man and we're the ones that are going to live with him so we our main focus has to be can can i feel good together with this guy and can i grow together with him to create a wholesome um we you know we have to the reality is that we really can't let other people's conversations make our decisions on who we are going to marry can we grow with him that's what counts so that's the e so twofold erase my image and what i think is going to be and erase other people's images because really the only person that it matters to is me and if i can grow with him and i feel good with him that's all that matters okay moving on to t trust trust yourself you are the smartest person in your life you know when you feel comfortable when you feel safe and you know when something doesn't feel right and again there's two parts to this trust um you have to think to yourself is it your gut that's telling you something's wrong or is it just a fear is it a general fear that you would have with every boy is it a fear of intimacy is it a fear of commitment is it a fear of divorce are you actually having a fear of oh my gosh this actually might be the right one because i really like him and then you're coming up with 101 excuses of why this might not be right because you have the fear and don't get me wrong fear is a wonderful thing if you wouldn't be afraid i would be nervous marriage is huge it's a huge commitment and you do need a healthy dose of fear but we have to really trust ourselves and know where that fear is coming from and again the rebisons program is here through dating coaching to help you peel away those layers and really get down to the truth to see what the fear is is it a general fear or is it maybe something very specific which which might be a problem which might be a problem and that's something that the dating coach will work out with you there's a flip side to this as well you need to trust your gut that if you feel that there's something not right about this and you honestly feel there's some red flags trust your gut but not your butt but on his resume he sounds like such a great guy but my mother really likes him but he's really nice but no if you feel that there's something really shouting out red flags you have to trust your gut and be strong and firm and say it's not for me and move on okay so there we have the first part of the directed dating approach the healthy dating step-by-step by having the acronym set so the dating is like a staircase we take it step by step a slow progress holding on to the rail and moving progressively upwards we want to erase the image two-fold erasing my image and erasing the images of my friends and t we want to learn to trust ourselves to really dig deep and feel what is the truth am i feeling that this is really off or am i feeling that this is just a general fear that i have to getting married um ineffective dating can sometimes lead to divorce more and more singles today really need direction um and a lot of girls are making decisions from outside pressures that parents pressuring them a very pushy chatrin um the fear of never getting married so that is why um having a dating coach and having the residence program in your life is so so important to be able to give you that clarity and to be able to lead you through um to be able to support you to offer suggestions to offer um connection of the dots and to open the lights to you for um for for for clarity and for confidence and and i just want to say one thing that girls who date successfully ultimately have a much calmer engagement period and honestly a much smoother um beginning of the marriage because they feel so confident that all the boxes were checked off and they did it step by step and did not move to the next step until everything was checked off and they felt safe and secure and confident and it ultimately leads to a much calmer existence okay so now that we have that squared away um let's talk about our first date okay now um i'm under the assumption that once you're up to your first date obviously you have done research you've done um you know you don't have to be an fbi but i do believe that some research is definitely um important and i like to say that um you should be calling at least three or four references and want to be hearing consistent information from those three or four references so if if each person is telling you something different and you're not getting a clear picture keep calling until you hear three or four times consistent information um and then you could feel confident that this guy um has a very good chance and and and you know um might might be something might be it um i also feel and it's very important um and i know you know i'm talking to different different societies but i really feel that if we invest into checking out a potential spouse and we spend time and we invest intellectual energy on it i think that by the time we come to the date you know we worked hard and i believe that we really want that date to happen more than just oh there's a girl okay i'll date her you know not finding out much about her and then oh okay not much i'll try tomorrow nights girl it doesn't it doesn't solidify the commitment if you don't put any effort into into your potential date um so that's that's a very important part so by the time we get up to the first date i presume that you've done your research um you're committed you're serious about this you're serious about dating and um you really hope that this has huge potential to be the right one okay so let's move on to the first date i just want to tell you a little secret before i start contrary to your belief the most attractive thing that a man is attracted to in a girl is positivity and confidence um it it just moves the date to a whole new level when you when a girl is positive and confident you're taking those stairs a few steps at a time so to speak so keep that in mind on the first date first impressions count and are very important and you obviously you know want to talk positively about your family talk positive things about your work your community pick the positive things in your life um to share um keep in mind that we're only on the first deck so there's low expectations um we're not going to be seeing stars there's no fireworks it's a very powerful date again compare it to having a shabbos guest at your table compare it to meeting an acquaintance it's a very basic level of acquaintancing obviously you're going to act friendly and nice but it is still on the first step um let's try to um make our way into the other person's windows of his world and doors to his world to get to know him and how do we do that let's not just answer yes no um make this date an opportunity to uh to to open up those windows to his world and let your windows to your world be open so discuss discuss things and let it not just be a yes and no answer because that doesn't show much at all when meeting for marriage there's two very important things and and specifically on the first date it's very very important and the first thing is is that meeting for marriage and going out on a date is not a job interview please do me a favor and cut the questions cut the questions rather have a discussion and bring up different topics to discuss and the way healthy dating is is comparing to playing ball with each other you hold the ball you share a little bit you throw the ball to him he shares a little bit and he throws it back but asking questions um creates sort of a judgment and judgment is not inducive to creating a relationship so number one cut the questions this is not a job interview and number two is you can't judge and love at the same time so when you're meeting for the first time i know a lot of girls and especially girls who have real thinkers and very and analytical um analyze everything that this boy is doing why'd he do that and did he do that and and why did he order that and how come he didn't say a nice hello to that guy and and and and you keep on thinking and thinking i'm asking you a favor leave your rashy brain at home leave your commentary brain on the shelf at home you're going out now it's a first date go have a fun time it should be enjoyable it should be fun it shouldn't be an a whole analytical interview um because that's obviously very off-putting and doesn't move the relationship in any way when you come home from the date no problem take that brain off the shelf and analyze analyze all you want but when you're on the date a very very good point is to enjoy yourself and have a nice time um again let's remember um that on the first date we're only on the first step so it would be very damaging to jump to the 20th step and um and again analyzing if this is for me if if he's going to be a good a good father we're not up to there yet we're just on the first step the one question i would want you to ask yourself is when you come home would i invite him back for a shabbos meal um now if he was rude if he spoke vulgar language if he was creepy i don't think you would invite him back and that's perfectly fine and you'll say sorry this is not for me but if you had a nice time and a decent time and it was a nice back and forth relationship and you would be very happy to have him back at your shaba's table then this would be the opportunity to say yes and go out a second time and move to the next step which amirta shem we will discuss um more in depth on our next session to directive dating again i just want to put it out there one more time before we open to question and answer being that you girls are involved in this wonderful residence program you really do have an opportunity to really use a lot of the services that the residence program offers um i mean i just touched you know so to speak a drop in the bucket there's so much to dating and you know there's a big portion on on on on resumes and a big a big portion on on checking out information and the rebecca's program is here to help you with all that um i hope that this has been enlightening to you um some of you might know most of what i said but you know i hope that that for a lot of you this was very helpful my name is hashem i do look forward next month to continue on the relationship staircase we will now open up the um open up for questions and answers and um let's see who who who has a question that they'd like to ask [Music] um yes we definitely do um offer dating coaching and you can reach out to the revisions program um and they will be able to um assist you with that of who you can call to get that help okay that's an excellent excellent question and i'm torn if i should answer it now or if i should wait to our next session which we were going to get to um i have a five um five good husband criteria that all five points have to be met in order for you to move on um so we will discuss it um next time but not to keep you in suspense as far as the me days um one of the five good criterias is me days and within those me days what are the three most important me days the first one is honesty um you really have to look out to see if if he's an honest person that you're dating you should be looking out for patterns like even little white lies you know you you just want to make sure and i'm sure there'll be you know enough opportunity for you to see that he is an honest person um the next media is positivity uh a positive person is a very very um vital media for a successful marriage you'll have a much easier and nicer marriage if your spouse is positive and the third meda is um is a is a tremendous media that really enhances a person's personality to be a very very very good husband but again we will we will delve into this five good criteria husband list um which is extremely important and that's why i love this this approach so much because a girl can feel so confident you know after the third or fourth date that's when i would ask um and go through these five good criterias and if a girl can resoundly say yes yes yes to all those five traits and all those five different areas of life she can feel so confident that this guy is a wonderful guy and she can feel confident to go ahead and deepen her relationship with him okay so the question was um we're told to look into references but how can we really um capitalize on calling people to really find out the real information so um so the first thing i'm going to say is it's very important to listen to what the person has to say like don't ask a hundred questions like let them um you could you know give a vague thing of what can you tell me about adam um and listen really listen to what they're answering you and listen for patterns and that's why i said it's important to at least call for people to listen to patterns if um if people keep saying the same things about that person i think you could feel confident that that person definitely has those traits um so listening you know and really listening is is is a good tool to finding out information ask for examples okay okay mr sarabrowski mrs sarabrowski gave a very nice tool as well that if you're asking um you know for a particular me dice that the boy might have um it's always good to ask for examples um listen to the examples and um and again if you know you want to follow a pattern if you keep on hearing the same things again and again and again you know it's true you really really know it's true and you can feel confident that that he really does have these me dice sure and so mrs is asking when we spoke about the t in trust um she was asking is this where a dating coach can really differentiate between is it real is is is your gut feeling real or or maybe it's something that happened to you in the past um so that's why that feeling is coming up which shouldn't affect you necessarily in the future um so so yes a dating coach is extremely helpful in the in in this particular situation um for many reasons a dating coach gets to know the girl that she's working with and she gets to know her patterns so if she always has the same fear about every single boy um you know that it might be coming from a general fear so i was once working with a girl that had a tremendous fear of of the commitment and it came out you know after asking questions and that's where a dating coach comes in she's able to really peel away those layers to really get to the truth and it came out that um two of her good friends um recently got divorced and you know she was really afraid of divorce and afraid of commitment um but that's not that's a fear but that's not a um that's not a real fear to stop a up that's a general fear that you have to work through um and and and we have a very nice um we have a very nice way of of how to peel away those layers and talk it through and um walk through the different scenarios um to get you to the right place and the right choice um being said that another another little tip is if someone's very fearful you know to move forward um a nice tip to test yourself is do i want it more than i'm afraid of it so so yes you might be very afraid but do i want it even more than that you know so again that that's really further down the line when you're actually making that commitment but yes mr sarabrowski there is a tremendous amount that a dating coach will help to peel away these layers and to really get to the bottom of it and i was saying before that a dating coach you know spends a lot of time with the girl and she she she recognizes the patterns that this girl has um so she is able through listening to her and even through her voice she a lot of times is able to really separate what's real and what's just a general fear okay so mr sobrowski read the question how do we manage dating fatigue um often when it's just on the first date um so you know this is a very broad concept but i'm gonna go back to um to the idea of really checking in to the pres the the the boy that you're going out with and and really making sure that it's in the ballpark i mean you know you don't have to be on the same page but at least know that you're in the same chapter if you don't do any research then you can be in a completely different book and if you keep on doing that yes the fatigue is going to come um the statistics show that that getting i i mean i hope i'm don't get slammed for saying this but maybe in in in the yeshivish basiaco world the statistics show that getting engaged to the first guy that you go out with is much higher than the second and third meaning every time you go out with another guy the statistics the percentage rate goes down and the reason being is um because that first one you really invest that energy you really want it to happen you really give it all it's got your patient you wait for the next step to come and and it just has a higher success of of actually being successful what i tell people who have dating fatigue is to stop stop dating take two to three months and stop because it doesn't it it doesn't get easier it doesn't get easier and dating fatigue comes from from from dating too much um too often too much um and again that's why i go back to my my point of really making sure that this boy is in the same chapter as you before just going out with anyone um girls it was lovely to talk to you and looking forward to next month