Sarah Guigue Gets Real About Life, Loss & Faith

Um and I had a very big challenge a year and a half ago where I was pregnant for 9 months and at the 9th month I unfortunately um lost my baby. Even after that I had a patch of time where I didn't have amuna and I said Hashem I need you to give me back my amuna. The struggle is the point of life >> right >> to be numb to our challenges is a form of death. I did go into like intense postpartum depression which is common I would say like two three months where I didn't have the passion for anything. I didn't have desire. I didn't everything was numb cuz I think it's important for women to feel understood and validated right >> like you are going through a hard time right now and it's so valid whether it's infertility or god forbid abuse. What >> what do you think is mostly misunderstood aboutic women? Okay. Um, we have a special guest here today. There are people um who walk through life quietly. That's what they do. They keep their ben, they keep their questions, and they keep their pain tucked away. But there's also people whatever they live through, their confusion, their uh their struggles, and they turn it into a light for others. >> Yeah. >> Today we have our guest who did just that. You're one of those souls that takes whatever life is giving you, whatever gave you, and uh you share it. you make some you made you you're doing something good out of it. >> Thank you so much. >> And her name is Sarah. >> Thank you. >> Known as the hidic hipster girl on Instagram 60,000 followers, right? >> Um welcome to the struggle. >> Thank you so much for having me. Um yeah, you said it really well. Exactly that. I feel like there are some people that, you know, go through life and and their amuna and baton piece is definitely their it's there and it's just hidden and it's not expressed. But for me, it's vital that it's expressed. It's part of my life for it to be expressed. So, I'm excited to dive into this episode. >> Well, I like it. Very good. So, before we start, what I want to do is I want to take you back to your childhood. Tell us a little bit about where you coming from. Where did you grow up? How was school like? >> We're going there. We're going there. Okay. >> So, I was a lot of people don't know this because I speak English very well, thank God. But I was actually born and raised in Paris, France, >> until I was 10 years old. >> So, big part of my childhood was shaped by French culture, Jewish French culture, but very much French Sephardic, a little bit of kabad. My parents grew up in Morocco and then became closer to Kabad um later on in their lives. And I am the oldest of five kids. And so I really grew up with this blend of Moroccan kabad. And why am I talking so much about culture is because culture actually played a really big role into shaping the person I am today. So at 10 years old, we moved as a family to Toronto, Canada, completely across the globe. Right? >> People are like, "Oh, so you speak French." No, Toronto is fully >> anglophone, >> English speakers. >> Um, and then grew up there for half of elementary/middle and then high school. Did a university there and then did the typical thing that every Jewish girl does. Went to seminary and then um, oh, I said university. went to university and then um I started to date. It was time for me to get married, get out of the house and start a family of my own, start a life of my own. And I was dating all different types of people because I was having a really hard time pinpointing like what exactly was my hashkafa, >> right? >> I came from such a diverse background. The schools I went to were Ashkanaz. My friends were from all different sides of the spectrum within Judaism. I went to so many different schools like and I always loved everyone and it was so hard for me to like narrow my options and just like pick a path and and date and like start a life from that path. So I really dated like Kipasuga, um, Moroccan, Kabad. And then as I even more than that, I'm just, you know, all these are labels, but you you understand what I'm saying. Like I I was having a hard time narrowing down exactly where I wanted to go and exactly who I was. I was trying to figure myself out through the dating process, and it was a really challenging time >> until I I realized, you know, I think I think I maxed out my Toronto options. I think it's time to move to New York. Pick up and go. Simultaneously, what was happening was I had just finished my four years of undergrad at York University and I finished with a communications and humanities degree. Grateful I took it. Do I really need it? Did it let lead me anywhere? Yeah. I believe every single thing we do in life leads you to a different place 100%. But like okay putting that aside after my four years of undergrad I worked for a kabad in Toronto and this was a pivot moment the rebbitson the she took me and the other girl who were working under her for that year she took us to the kinos >> so for those of you that don't know what that is I'll just explain it for the listeners um it's a huge banquet that honors and celebrates the kabad rabbitins around the world >> because they make one for the >> Exactly. They make one for the for the men. >> Wow. >> And they also make one for the women. And I actually did not know they made one for the women. I thought it was only for men because how could the women get out? They have babies. They're pregnant and nursing. Like, h how could it be? >> Yeah. >> No, I go to this conference. I'm a single girl. I had just finished my undergrad. So, I'm in a very secular mindset. I'm I'm from lookswise, but I'm I'm secularminded coming fresh out of university and I'm in this space where I see a bunch of schlookas rebbitons speak about their experiences in their kabad houses with the people that come through. And I'm just mesmerized by the amount of women that are in the room. 3,000 women were in the room. And this was in 2015. in 2015 and I'm just in awe that I don't even hear what they're saying necessarily. I'm just like in awe by this feminine space within an orthodox Jewish framework. Like that was like very eye opening for me to see >> from kosher women being celebrated and honored and given a stage to speak and share. And that's when I told myself, it's time I explore Kabad a little deeper. And I'm making a which means a spiritual decision that when I finish this year with my here in Toronto in September, I will move to Crown Heights and discover what Crown Heights is about. >> It's all about >> and what Crown Heights has to offer. So fast forward, I finished my year, wonderful year. And just just to share that during that year I was doing a lot of self-discovery like I was asking the rabbi existential questions about God >> okay and like he can he'll remember his name is Rabbi Ley Gansburg and I was like I was working in Kiru you know in Kabad and I was asking him like how do we know like God is oneness and God is real and how do we really know like factually like how do we prove it like I was really going going there >> deep going there going really deep but like at the same time I was doing the work meaning I was I was bringing people closer to Judaism and at the same time I was questioning >> you were learning >> I was learning and questioning and he was they were both him and his wife Rifky were both so patient >> with me with my questions um I don't I don't think they they understand the extent of the positive influence that they had on me at the time um because it was a really pivot moment of my life. It's like the moment where I'm choosing what lifestyle I want. I'm choosing what my future is going to be, >> right? >> And being that yeah, I was raised in a from home, but I will say that we were much more secular-minded as a family. We valued education and degrees. Like we didn't, you know, like when people ask me, "Did you grow up?" I have a really hard time answering that question because I really feel like there was a huge shift when I went to the Kenos >> and living for a full year by Ley, Rabbi Ley and Rifki Gansburg in Toronto who truly embodied what Kabad was about truly brought people closer through their synagogues, through their activities and programming, working around the clock. >> But your father was also closer to Kaba when they moved to Toronto. >> Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Closer to Kabad. >> Yeah. Yeah. before they were married. Both of my parents um actually became already closer to Kabad and both of their families are much more um traditional, but both both my mom and dad um before they met each other got closer to Kabad and then connected and then got married. So there's that. Um and I will add that nonetheless we didn't go to Kabad schools >> which is okay and not only okay but it's it was part of the journey and looking back I think it was better that way. Yeah. Um and just just mentality. Mentality plays a huge role. It's not just about garb. It's about embodying um embodying kabad. >> Wow. >> And that's something I'm continuously learning myself. >> So that's how you got close to Kabad. >> That's how I got close to Kabad. >> And then you were in Crown Heights. Um you got read. >> Yeah. Exactly. So So when I moved to Crown Heights, this is a really interesting piece of my story. Um, I was still, you know, a little secular, mind did, and I had this really big passion of mine was to become an actress. >> And so I said, I'm going to go to Manhattan, an acting school, >> right? >> But I don't have enough money to pay for it myself. My parents are not supportive of that. Understandably so, >> right? >> So what I'm going to do is work in a seminary as a major enough to work in a m as a dorm counselor. and you know we're going to do some sort of trade. So what I did was this was the deal. I would have to attend classes in the morning and then I would work there as a dorm counselor in the evening but then I had that chunk of the afternoon time to go to acting school in Manhattan. >> Right. So that was a local seminary in Crown Heights. >> In Crown Heights. Yeah. So you can probably imagine the pull that I was feeling inside myself in the morning. I'm learning. This is like this like my dishama is like on fire. I'm learning this like amazing Torah that's new to me. >> And in the afternoon I'm going to Manhattan. Very very nature level, but even even even more than that. It's >> the way the way you need to get a role in in a play or or you know the the whole acting world is so superficial. It's like based on what you look like, you know, you get a role based on your your your size, your hair color. Um, >> just polar opposites. >> Polar opposites. Yeah. Polar opposites. I wish I had the I mean, I have the right words to express it, but it's just polar opposites. And we're going to leave it at that. >> Yeah. >> And every day the pole was getting stronger and stronger and more polarized. >> Wow. >> Yeah. until I really started I mean just to explain the polarizing polarization like in in Manhattan in acting school like I started feeling like I'm very spiritually connected so I started feeling this energy of like something doesn't feel right here. I don't know what it is but it's it's it's like beyond professionalism. It doesn't feel aligned for me but at the same time I can't give it up. Anyways, I remember I had like a period of time. It was a short period of time, but it felt long where I actually couldn't sleep at night because I knew that being an actress was my was my purpose. Like it felt like it was my mission in life. Like that's felt like that's all it was. And so I woke up the next morning to go to myidas class very early, 7:20 a.m. Like that was the deal. Really, really early. And I see a very big picture of the rebby that was in the hallway that I never saw before, but it was always there. >> And there was a quote next to that photo of the labrebby and it said along the lines of if you have a talent and you are not using it, >> right? >> It's as if you're wasting every day of your life. >> Okay, maybe not those exact words. I'm paraphrasing. >> It's like there's a famous line that the alterb said, "Where are you?" like using your talents like are you doing what you need to do? >> Exactly. >> That's what that's what you're referring to. >> Exactly. That's exactly what I'm referring to. And and seeing that I was like, wait, I I I am using my talents. I'm still in acting school. So, does the Rebi want me to be in acting school, but it doesn't feel kosher, right? >> And now I'm like sensitive enough to understand that it doesn't feel kosher to be there. But what what do I do? Like how do I how do I work with these two polar opposites? And so I actually remember I walked into um one of the rabbis there who works as a teacher but he has a lot of wisdom. And I I walked over to him. I said, "Listen, I'm really torn right now. There is this picture of the Rebby and I feel like it really like spoke to my heart. Like I feel like there's like a knife in my heart. I I I feel like I'm in the middle of like a fork in the road and I I I always wanted to be an actress to the point that I feel like it's God-given by Hashem that I want to be that. But at the same time, it doesn't feel kosher. It doesn't feel aligned. Very interesting. He tells me, "What about acting is it that you love so much?" And I said, "I love expressing myself. I love performing. I love the community that it gives. And I started listing all the things I love. And he said, "Do you think you can create that in a different environment in an environment that's that feels right for you?" >> He didn't even use any of these religious terms. He knew exactly where I was coming from. He knew how to speak to me. >> And I was already like, "Wow." And another thing he said that really shook me was, "Do you realize that you're reading scripts from people who are maybe on drugs or drunk or in a completely different headsp space and you're just reading them, performing them with so much passion? What if you were to write your own scripts?" And I was like, "Wow, this is like mindboggling because this is before social media became like big, >> right? before we felt like we had the ability to create our own pathway to Hollywood back then. It was a very specific route, right? >> Right. I'm talking about 15 years ago. Very specific route, but it was also like social media was like there, but it wasn't like so loud, you know, and it wasn't the way it is today. And I really took in the these these words from this rabbi. >> It's very powerful stuff. >> Very very powerful. Like you have a gift. He acknowledged I have a gift. You have a gift >> and a passion >> and a passion. And they are God-given. >> Yeah. >> And now your job is actually >> to choose right from wrong. >> Exactly. >> To use it. >> Where to use it and really to give them back to God because God gives them to you so that you can give it back to him. >> Amazing. >> And I was like, "Wow." Okay. And that's when I started creating YouTube videos and being more vocal on Instagram and just sharing. And I felt like it filled that void that I really wanted. >> That void of self expression. >> You felt content. >> Yes. >> You felt that it replaced it fully. >> Yeah, it really did. It really, really did. And even better than before because I was writing my own words, >> right? It's not coming from a dark place, a depressed uh, you know, >> author or a random author in the middle of nowhere that I have no idea, I'm not connected to, or someone that's >> Yeah. This was completely out of your mindset. >> Exactly. >> This is when you quote Tanya or when you quote something, you quote solid stuff. >> Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there yet quoting Tanya. We'll get there soon. But yeah, I guess we can fast forward and say that the beginning I was posting a lot of comedy content cuz I was just like >> releasing whatever I had in there. >> Your acting mode. >> Exactly. I was in my acting mode. I was my performing mode. >> Performing mode. >> And as the time went on, I realized, what do I really crave? What do I really want? I really want to function from a place where I'm expressing my godliness, my nama, my divine self. >> And that took me a few years to get there. And I'll fast forward. It took me to this exact moment. It was co my husband and I were in my apartment in Crown Heights and we said, "I think it's time that we make a move." And I was very resistant to moving because I love the I did not grow up there and it's such a vibrant >> gishmach amazing place. Everything has its pros and cons for sure, right? >> But my husband was ready to level up and move out. Totally understanding that as a young couple in order to level up, you know, it's it's just much harder to do in Crown Heights and we wanted to do we wanted to go to a different place. So, we looked into New Jersey, Hillside, New Jersey, and with a lot of resistance, I I went along. I knew already it was going to be hard. I didn't know why or how or what. I knew it was going to be hard to move there. Once we moved there, it's we already experienced CO in Crown Heights. We finished in three weeks. We finished CO. You know how it was in Karnit. We had Porm, three weeks of CO and then back to life. >> Yeah. We moved in June that year to New Jersey. New Jersey was in the middle of COVID. What do I mean by that? The town was shut down. The mikvah was shut down. Everything was shut down. People were scared. They were living in fear. They were locking themselves up in their h homes. >> There was It was very challenging to create friendships to to to integrate into the community because there was nothing. Yeah, it was a new place and there was and it was it wasn't accessible. That's really what the word is. It wasn't accessible >> which made me turn very very inward but to an unhealthy point where I started complaining and being in a very very dark dark headsp space of a victim mindset. Why am I here? I I literally don't understand. I don't see myself having a purpose here. I was vibrant and flourishing in the streets of Crown Heights. I had every single shop owner come to me tell me, "Come promote my page here. Come promote my my business. Come run in. Run in." And here I'm I'm in Jersey. Can't even go outside. The area that I had moved in was a little a little sketch. My first initial place there in Jersey was like didn't feel like safe like going out for a walk as a woman. Like so many little like parts that just like made the whole bigger story even darker. And I really would ask Hashem every day like what is my purpose here? Like what like why did you even make this place like on earth? Like why? Like like it doesn't make sense. Like it feels like it's like so dark and desolate like like there must be a purpose in this town. >> Yeah. >> And there must be a purpose for me here in this town. But like what is it? >> Over here. >> How did I get over here? And at the same time my husband and I still didn't have children and we moved in our fourth year of marriage. So you can imagine the energy in the home. It's like a very >> empty, >> lonely, >> desolate, lonely feeling, especially when he's going to work. I didn't have that same work because my work was Instagram and social media and I didn't have that. So I'm like, what am I doing with myself? I'm starting from zero mash. One thing that kept me going was even though I wasn't necessarily aligned with Torah and 24/7 at the time, I knew that I would find the answers there. I knew >> Mhm. >> And so during co I would play Y Jacobson, Mattis Freeman, like these rabbis on YouTube on a playlist. And one time I was I I was in the kitchen. I remember this moment very vividly. I was in the kitchen again. I was in a very sad headsp space all the time, but I was I was moving through the motions, trying to function, trying to function. And I hear a video of the labavature rebby saying and the well, first it's in Yiddish cuz, you know, a lot of his videos are I don't understand Yiddish. I don't speak Yiddish. So, I quickly let go. I'm like, whoa, that's so weird. It's on this playlist like I'm I'm listening to speakers, but like I guess it just popped on. So I run to see the TV and he was saying the whole purpose of a Jew is to create a deraim and I have been asking Hashem for months what is my purpose? So I'm like what the whole purpose to create? Let me let me let me rewind this. The whole purpose of a Jew is to create a what's what is that? And me I speak a little Hebrew. So I'm like oh dear tonimum is underwear. What what does this mean? like what like what like what is the Rebi trying to tell me? >> So I continue watching the video. I don't fully understand. Remember my my level ofidus was not so gishmach the way it is now at the time and I'm trying to really understand like what the Reb's words are and I I start googling like what's this concept and I start I start looking and reading into it and really like my nishama was on fire when I was reading it. There was something about me and that concept that was like bam, this is it. Connecting the plug. This is like thi this is my life force, my life support. So just to explain what the concept is, creating a deer means to create a dwelling space for God in this lower world. There are many worlds according to Cabala. Um to keep it short, there's the highest realm which is which is where Hashem's essence is like the most revealed. And in order for him to come join us down in this world, he needs to contract himself into the different worlds. So we have ailus, bria, gsier and we're insia. Aa means to do the world of action. And this only in this world can we do mitzvah mitzvah and can we actually be partners with God in the co-creation process. So God gives us the ability to be his partners in creation on a momentto moment basis by hiding inside our bodies. He gives us a piece of himself inside of us which is our nishama and we co-create together as a team. >> Right? >> And when I found this out I was like number one I'm not alone. >> Right? >> Number two I literally have the vitality of Hashem ringing vibrating inside of me 24/7. How can I even be depressed? Like like like now like I realize what I'm made up of, >> right? >> Like it's time to take action. And the fact that I'm in this dark Jersey place that felt closed and inaccessible means that there's so much work to be done here. There's so much light to be revealed. >> Exactly what you need to be doing. >> Exactly what I need to be doing. And I remember what I did was I changed that my Instagram bio that day and I wrote creating a takonim in the crux of the tonim. >> Wow. And the lowest of the low. >> In the lowest of the low cuz that's exactly where I felt. Of course, Barashem moving forward, we moved to a different location within that same community. CO came to, you know, uh, disintegrated. The community opened, the mikvah opened, the Shaw opened. I got to meet amazing people, amazing women, and, you know, it it's it's a beautiful, it's a small community, but it's a beautiful Jewish community of many different types of people. And it's and it's and it's really beautiful, and I'm very grateful um to be there now. But it was a process. It was a huge adjustment. It >> wasn't that easy. >> It was definitely not that easy. And it's a constant reminder that I need to tell myself no matter if there's other people, I wake up every day and tell myself right after Mod Ani, Hashem, you you gave me life. You chose to wake me up today so that I can be your partner in the co-creation process. >> Well, that's how you live. This is what's in your live. I am a co-creator and whatever I have to do is I have a partner Hashem with me and I have a mission. That's a that you have even though you don't have a kabad house. >> Exactly. >> But you still the people around you the good mornings and the good nights and and whatever you do, you have the bunam with you. >> Exactly. Whether the people I interact with are Jewish or not Jewish, it doesn't matter. >> And that got you out of that rut, that dark that got me out of that rut place. >> Yeah. And I was in a very very very dark place. very dark, like to the point where um I was having extremely bad thoughts and they were very close to being all-consuming until that video came on. And it it's so crazy cuz I feel like Hashem almost like waits till we're on our last wits end, you know, >> the basement of rock bottom. >> The the basement of rock bottom. Exactly. But but why do we have to wait all the way to that? I don't know. It's part of the nature of Hashem, >> right? Like look at Abraham. We're in this week this week's para. I know the listeners will be listening a little later down the line, but right now it's >> right. >> Abraham went through 10 tests, >> right? >> I It's wild. And Ysef, you know, like all these people in the Torah, they're not just like amazing people cuz Hashem made them amazing people. No. >> Right. It's the >> It's the challenges that they go through. >> So, it's the challenges that we go through that make us who we are. But it's very important to apply the lessons from the challenges or else we get tested again again again until >> until you get it. >> Until we get it. >> Yeah. >> So let me take you back for a second. You went to uh acting school? >> I did. >> For how long did you spend in acting school >> in Manhattan? Only three years, but I also do have an acting background from when I was in high school and elementary. My parents put me in an acting school in Toronto. Oh, so this was already from childhood in childhood. But that's what they expected of you to to they saw it in you that you have that uh >> so they did see it in me but they didn't want me to go the Hollywood route you know they wanted to keep it kosher and so they kept it clean and they didn't encourage it for after university. >> So what was your experience in these three years? I mean can you share what was like how how does acting school look like? I mean, it was kind of like very similar mindset of going into college. You you you know, you go into a class and it's an Empire, it's a Empire theater, so there's like different rows. Um, you memorize scripts and then you go and perform them on stage. Your classmates and your teacher rates you based on pitch, projection, >> uh, passion. It's a lot of performing and testing, performing and testing. There's also different types of exercises like improv, um, art, voice articulation, a diaphragm work, um, all types of different work. >> You loved it. You loved it. >> I loved it so much. And it's so crazy cuz as I'm talking to you now, I wouldn't love it if I went right now. >> Right. At that time, you remember? >> At that time, I loved it. It was like, >> what what was the reaction from the teachers, professor? What what did they think of? >> I was I was a great student. I was amazing cuz I was full of passion. that that's all I had at the time. Like that was my >> it. >> Wow. >> Oh, and I I want to add I was in a McDonald's commercial. >> Like I was in some cool commercials. This is before I I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to be on a McDonald's commercial. I learned afterwards that it's it's not appropriate to I didn't think it would be so bad, but yeah. >> You got the job from school? >> No, not from I mean everything is connected, but it wasn't directly from school. Um it was through a different agency. And I also worked for big brands in French and English to do commercials and voiceovers. >> Right. >> Yeah. >> There's a lot of unspoken rules also that the actors and actresses understand that if you want to get this role this and this has you know what I mean? >> Yeah. Exactly. >> Yeah. It's it's like it's it's not a place for a >> it's not a place for Jewish women. Definitely not. >> You wouldn't recommend that to anybody. >> Absolutely not. Absolutely not. And I would if someone is interested in acting um feel free to DM me. I would love to have a conversation with you because truly what is it about acting that we're interested in, >> right? It's it's a yeah it's about expression and it's just the way you channel it. >> I think a lot of it for me was being seen was I wasn't I didn't feel so seen maybe as a child. >> Um the ability to express yourself fully in your wholeness without being judged. There's a lot of parts to it. >> When did you first realize that you have a creative side? Like as a child you were always >> Yeah. When I was 5 years old, I would imitate my uncles, my grandma, like my family. I was a clown. Yeah. But I was also very serious. So people were shocked that like, whoa, Sarah Sarah does that. Like how does she do that? Cuz I would be silent and like observe and then be able to imitate. And everyone was like, "Sah, Saka, imitate me, imitate me. No, you imitate me now." Like, and and I would do it. And people, it would be my family's entertainment. They would sit on the couch, eat sunflower seeds, crack up at my imitations. >> Right. That's interesting. >> Yeah. So, it started from a young age. >> Now, as far as school, uh, you went to these Hebrew day schools. Is that what kind? >> I went to Hebrew day schools. Yeah. I went to a sphartic school. Um, for elementary. Um, that was co-ed. And then for high school, I went to a from girl school. All girl school. >> Right. Now, um, but you were always like an out ofthebox. >> Yeah. Even in those school, even in in Hebrew school. >> Yeah. Because my >> questions and >> Yeah. I always had questions and just because of the way I grew up and like where I come from, the different cultures that were in me. >> Mhm. >> You know, I just it was impossible to be cookie cutter. >> Right. Now, where does the kidic hipster girl name come from? We are creative. >> Okay. Yeah, we're getting there. So, right when I got married, I think I skipped the part where of where I got married, but um >> this was after you got married. The Instagram was created after you got married. >> So, I had a regular Instagram page with my first name and made a name, right? >> And I had a nice amount of followers on it cuz I was a very active person on campus in university, but so I just shifted the handle name. So, it was the same page when I shifted the name. >> Mhm. Um, I will give my husband credit for the name actually, Hidetic Hipster, >> because in Brooklyn there's these hipsters and >> Exactly. >> So, you you're going to mix a a spirituality with with with being cool and showing people that you could be uh, you know, an outgoing, outspoken person and still have the with you. >> Exact. That's exactly the goal of the name. Yeah. I wanted to merge the spiritual and the physical together and come with come up with like a cute name. >> Recently, I've been like, you know, debating I should just put it to my name and that's it, like Sarah gig and call it a day. >> But there's something special about the name. >> Something special about it. Yeah. Because it relates to people who are like some girls want to get dressed or whatever. Everybody's into their own thing >> and you don't have to be uh it's not it's not a steer the two, you know. It's not a contradiction. >> Exactly. You can put it together if you balance it nice. You can be a model for these things, you know. >> Yeah. And that's exactly what I've been learning throughout my years of learning is that physical and spiritual are not a contradiction. And the whole goal is for us to blend them together to merge them as one. >> That's and that is your message now that you want to convey on your Instagram for your followers. >> Yes. So now what drives me is well a few years ago already I did a full cycle of para videos where I would just like share snippets of the para. This year I'm going much deeper into it. It's like more of like a para for bringing in >> and then like more intense lessons. >> I truly believe that we can look into the Torah and see exactly how we need to live. It has instructions for us, guidance, everything course. >> But we need to be able to read between the lines >> to look deeper than just the puk to really go deep in there. And gives that to us. >> Yeah. And >> I think it's so beautiful and that's what I try to teach on my Instagram in a fun and relatable way. Of course, I still have fun sometimes creating fun ads, right? >> I love getting in touch with my creative side. I think it's important to have that all encompassed, you know, as one, >> right? as long as it's all for the sake of bringing down Hashem's light. So, I can make a really funny video, but it's promoting, let's say, hair covering. That's a mitzvah, >> right? >> You know, I could even use a trending audio that has a non-Jewish music, but then blend it in a way that it's, you know, make it with like a kosher twist. Like, I'll give you an example. I don't know if you know the song uh it was like famous for a bit >> in Europe. It's all over. >> It's all over, right? So this was like almost a year ago already, but it was so catchy. I'm like, I'm going to use this and I'm going to transform it. I'm going to create a zeron with it, >> right? >> And I was making kala. What's kala in Hebrew? Pass. >> Right. >> Pass is d. >> So aate pass. >> Wow. >> Explaining the mitzvah of kala. >> Make it creative. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> It's like these rebas that they used to take a song from a shepherd that they saw and they turned it into a holy song. >> That's so cool. I actually didn't know that. Of course, there's a couple of stories like that that these old rabbis and uh >> and it's funny because we think, oh, a shepherd's just a shepherd, a simple guy, but a shepherd connects to Hashem more than the regular person. >> Right. Right. That's amazing. That's amazing stuff. So, how did you find your husband? That was after acting school and after back a little bit. it. Yeah, it was right when I decided I'm going to stop acting school and I was working still in the seminary in Crown Heights and um this is a funny story. When I started making my YouTube videos, his aunt found me on YouTube. >> This is crazy because my mom was telling me, "Sah, you're not going to find a shid if you put yourself on YouTube like this." And I said, "Yes, I will." because it it like I feel like this is what Hashem wants me to do and I'm only follow I always was led by my intuition, >> right? >> Anyways, my husband's aunt goes on YouTube, finds one of my videos and at the time I wasn't a kester girl. I was just Sarah in Kawa. And she sees the last name in Kawa and she says, "Wow, this last name is a very big rabbi in Morocco's last name >> from back in the day. I'm going to look into this girl. How did she look into me?" She sees where the video was filmed. It was filmed in that seminary. She contacts the director of that seminary >> and sends her my resume. And then the director sends me the resume and then we end up going out. >> Wow. >> Crazy. >> That's amazing. >> Yeah. >> It's one crazy story. >> There's a lot more parallels and like juice to it. I had a lot of like transformation I needed to do in order to attract my husband. um you know, oh hell stories and all that, but just this piece is wow. It's incredible the way Hashem runs the world, >> right? And how long were you dating? >> Very short, actually. Just about two months. >> Two months. >> Right away when I got the resume, I knew it was him. Before even seeing him, I saw his name on the resume. >> You felt that you have such a a good intuition. >> Thank God. I I did just before receiving that resume, I have to share that I wrote a huge pon a letter in the oh >> I asked Hashan, please give me clarity. >> I really really I I I I like everybody. I enjoy my date so much, but I I need to find one person. I need to get married to one person, >> right? >> Help me find that one person. Someone that's like me. French, Moroccan, Kabad, tan skin. I went from the superficial to the deep to the this to the that. >> That's exactly what he was. >> How old were you? I was 23 >> and so was my husband. We were both 23 at the time. >> Wow. Amazing stuff. >> Yeah. >> What do you think is mostly misunderstood aboutic women? >> Very very good question. Um I think in general for I'll speak for Kabad. Um we're very expressive in the way we show up in the world. And a lot of the times people think oh Kabad's not SNES. That's one example, >> right? But really there's a whole spectrum within Kabad. And another thing is that that's misunderstood is like our connection that we have to the Rebi. A lot of, you know, different circles, different communities may view it as a vodara when really we're just connecting to Tadik. And me coming from a a French Moroccan background, it's it's a very it's it's so obvious to me that that that it's clear we're connecting to Tadik to get to Hashem. That's who the Rebi was. That's who he is. >> And it's a channel, right? It's a channel. It's a channel. And as I connect, I'm consistently connecting to his teachings even after he passed. >> And if the Rebi gets you closer, then it's a great thing. >> Exactly. >> That's the whole purpose. It's not like you're worshiping something. Of course, >> you're you're you you're connecting to a to the Rebi, a sadic, who's getting you closer to the to the goal, to the purpose. >> Exactly. And I do this on a consistent basis. Right. Like that. I feel like that's what differentiates me as a kidic woman from another Jewish woman is that I really I have this connection to the Rebi. I go to the oh all the time. >> Now the women in Kabad have the same same deep connection like the men is literally the same level. >> I I think so. I would say even a little more. >> That's beautiful. >> Yeah. Depending on who you are, >> which I don't know in the other if that's the case. I mean there are like if if let's say there's bells or satma or vision the women are sat vision belts >> but the question is if they like you guys open up a cipher you look in and you you want to connect >> I think it's cuz that's the whole like ideology of kabad is right it's like wisdom understanding and application >> if there's no application to what we're learning then >> then what are we really >> right >> you know like we're here to again dearen we're here to apply to to to draw down to really make things practical. >> The Rebi used to focus a lot on the on the women the you know with all the and >> yes there was a very big focus on the women. The Rebi speaks a lot about the mitzvah of having children and if it's too hard for a woman she should get extra cleaning help and um he speaks a lot about hair covering a lot of the women's mitzvah in general. There's a big emphasis. >> So he yeah he's there's a big focus on them. It's not like they like pushed a little bit to the side. >> Yeah, definitely not. And the rebby knew that we needed to feel like like women like meaning beautiful and show up in the world. >> Yeah. This was also important. >> Very important. Which is why Kabad is very big on wearing shait wigs over a headscarf as a hair covering. >> Right. Right. >> Right. Because what makes a woman feel like a woman? Her hair. Hence why we cover it. One of the reasons. But >> the Reba says you can cover it with a wig and it should be a beautiful wig and you should feel good in it. >> Mhm. >> You know, and also just the concept of the kinas just like giving the women a stage of voice >> there are singers there there are musicians all female. >> Yeah. And I remember even I mean it wasn't the labage paper but in the alga minor I don't know if you if you remember this paper it was a paper that is why Jacobson's father had a newspaper >> and also he had pictures of women all the time and it it was like it was very respect there was a certain respect that was passing at Kabad more than in other places. >> For sure you're reminding me of this very powerful story. Someone came to ask the Reba for a blessing for their um new school year calendar. And the Reb looks at the calendar and he says, "Very nice, very nice. I don't see any pictures of the women." >> That's what he said. >> Yeah. You need to add them in there. So this rabbi went back and he added pictures of the women of the women and the Reb said, "Much better." >> Wow. >> At the end of the day, we receive the Torah at Sinai. you know, we're part of the we're part of the Jewish nation, not only >> and and these that he sends out to the world. He didn't even think for a second this is not going to work without a you know, she is the one who is going to sit back and and run this thing. This is this is not this is not a one-man operation. >> Exactly. Exactly. And if it was then it wouldn't be as successful because we need continuation, right? >> Of course. >> We need growth. We need children. >> Of course. Did you ever get any push back like from your stuff that you uh definitely know about, you know, controversial thing? I don't know what you did or what you said. >> Yeah, definitely. I I get it. >> Yeah. I mean, back in the day, I wasn't fully aligned with where I am now. So, yeah, I definitely get push back, but it doesn't stop me because again, my intuition is like burning and it like lights the path for me forward. So I don't care what people say like I already know what I need to do. >> You feel you have a message of truth em message that you want to convey and >> it's not something that you you're doing for for your own gain or whatever the case is. You have a >> a higher message than me. Yeah. which is why my page brings me so much meaning because I really truly feel like it's coming from a deeper place >> and I'm sharing like for the greater good and I really I know that it has such an impact on people because more than the push back I get such amazing feedback >> right like inspiration >> inspiration like Sarah keep going I may not be commenting on your videos but I'm telling you this in private like you're amazing and especially as of recent sharing my challenges is something I started very very recently doing Um, and I had a very big challenge a year and a half ago where I was pregnant for nine months and at the ninth month unfortunately um lost my baby. And I after the fact once I processed it myself shared the intensity of the challenge and how Hashem was really with me through the challenge. It Yeah. Yeah. Now, now it's very interesting you say that. Um, at that time there was a lot of grief and there was you had a big dream and you were just >> already seeing everything, you know, in front of you >> and the disappointment. Um, do you feel that all the work you did from before as far as connecting and whatever got you to where you are till now helped you get through this? >> For sure. And >> for sure >> you understood that that you know that what we want is one thing and what wants is is something else. >> Yes. >> And and we don't know what's good for us and what's not. But it's easier said than done when when you have the nyan like you said before if you have that challenge. >> What was going through your head? So it's a very heavy- loaded question because definitely everything that I had worked on myself up until that point helped me get through that point. As soon as we became pregnant, I remember going to the Oell and sharing the good news. Said, "I'm so grateful. Thank you, Hashem. You know, please help this be a healthy pregnancy." yada yada. Put my letter in there and a few months later, the fourth month, the doctor tells us that there's complications. So throughout the pregnancy, without going into every single detail of the story, throughout the pregnancy, at the fourth month, we already knew there were complications. And the second I found out there were complications, I held on to Hashem for a dear life. I was clinging on to Amuna. >> That's all I had. There was no other option for me. People are like, "You're so strong." >> There was no other way. >> Nobody could help you. >> This is something that is like >> it's personal. It's in my body. It's happening to me. And the doctors are telling me things about my my life maybe at risk if I don't do X, Y, and Z, but my intuition tells me otherwise. And I have to consult the so many moving parts. But what I want to say is that what helped me tremendously on a spiritual p standpoint was consistently going to the Oel, writing in what was happening and it felt like therapy. >> Wow. I was just writing in, writing in, writing in. And I felt like I had so many signs and so much guidance. And even though it didn't end in the way that I wanted it to end, >> I got exactly clear signs as to what was going to happen next. Without going into every single detail, I'll share the last sign. I actually knew that my baby wasn't going to make it in this world. >> I knew it was staying in the world of the womb. Wow. >> And I knew that because in the beginning of my ninth month, I went to the OHL. Throughout I was going through the OH. I'm just skipping. I'm going to this part because it's pivotal to my relationship with the Rebi. I wrote, "Please help me find a medical team because my health insurance has been declined. Each doctor is pushing me from one practice to the other because of the complications that this pregnancy is causing. and please just make me healthy and I want I really want to live. One thing I really want is I want to live and I want the baby to live and I want both of us to be healthy. I come out of the oh >> and I'm sure you're familiar when you come out there's like a TV screen. >> Yes. With messages >> with messages of the rabbis for bringins from years and they replay it, >> right? >> And depending on what time of the year it is, you know, they'll play a video from that time of the year. I'm watching the video and the Reb is talking about Sedhalus which means the order of the creation of the world which is what I mentioned before how Hashem comes fromos contracts himself >> smaller smaller until he gets to this realm >> and the Reb was saying a light that comes from on high and tries to enter this world needs to contract himself self the light needs to be contracted through bria and once it gets to this lower realm the light enters the vessel but sometimes the light is so bright that the vessel cannot contain the light >> and so what happens to the vessel the vessel gets deformed >> and then eventually it chatters >> and when I watched that video I felt a knife in my heart and I said, "Okay, I know that my baby's actually not going to make it and we're coming to an end." And it's really scary, but it's also comforting that I know because I knew this entire time that my baby was very, very special. And I know every parent says that, but no, I took on things, spiritual things that I would have never taken on if I wasn't pregnant in this way with with the complications that I had. Just for example, I took upon myself to cover my hair around the house all the time, which is, you know, something I would have never done years ago. Um, every single day really, really, really like tightened like buckled up and like pressed the gas pedal on my spirituality. It was it was another level. It was another level during that pregnancy. And to hear the the rebby speak to me directly, I saw that the light was my child's nishama entering my child's body. And just to tell you, the doctors were telling me that that child was growing deformed. >> So everything made sense. The light was too intense for the vessel. That's why the vessel was growing deformed and eventually couldn't make it in this world >> and actually couldn't even make it in a sea the world of action. It was still in formation. Yet is the womb. The womb is the world of formation. >> Yeah. >> So it it it wasn't it wasn't able to be in the world of action. But guess what? It gave me the ability to take action to do mitzvah. And that's that's what those children are. They say that about special needs kids. They say that about these types of pregnancies. We don't understand of course >> right >> and every pregnancy is different but this is this was the meaning I gave to my pregnancy thanks to the connection I had to the rebby. >> Yeah. So so in a way you were prepared of on on what's coming. >> I was definitely prepared. Um the doctor said there's a very high chance that the child um will pass in uterero but there's also a chance that the child might make it alive you know year one year two year three but not such a long lifespan. >> We were ready for the best and the worst. They told us if the child does come out it will be need to be fed through tubes breathe through tubes like everything through tubes appointments through the night. So, it's interesting because it's it's there's a lot of emotions tied to the story because there was a lot of relief that was felt after that birth cuz you know carrying carrying a child that has passed is is like a it's it's not a it's not a comfortable feeling, >> right? >> And also knowing that this child didn't have to go through the the tubes and the breathing and the this and that, >> right? >> There's a relief piece. There's definitely some relief. >> Mhm. Oh, were we tremendously sad that we couldn't have a a regular couldn't have been a regular child, regular pregnancy? Yeah. But this is what Hashem wanted for us. And it leveled both of us up to another level. >> And basically preparing us for the next, >> right? >> Challenge. This is life, right? >> Yeah. Struggle. >> The struggle. The struggle. We live and learn. >> Yeah. Now were there any individuals that helped or did you share anything while this is going you know friends family? >> Very good question. It was a very very private and intimate personal time. Only when I really needed to share for purposes did I did I reach out to a rabbi. >> Right. But it was too painful for me to share and to verbalize. >> And also I was hoping that by not verbalizing there would be a miracle. >> You mean it's sort of a like Iron Hutter type of thing. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to >> More like if I say if I if I verbalize these words into the universe, I'm creating. >> Like in this energy. Yeah. >> Yeah. I'm creating because I'm a co-creator with Hashem. So we co-create with our actions, our words, and our thoughts. >> How careful we have to be with the words. >> We have to be very careful. So I didn't want to create even tell a friend, hey, this is what's happening. Cuz maybe in a moment cuz in every moment, Hashem recreates. Maybe Hashem's forming my baby in the in the in the healthy correct way. >> Yeah. >> So like, why would I say something, you know, nothing's confirmed until it's confirmed, >> right? So for me, I had until the actual birth to see really if it was maybe there's going to be a miracle. >> Right. And your husband gets a lot of credit because he went through with this with you, right? He held your hand the entire time. He was the only one >> who had to listen to you about this thing, right? >> Yeah. Um even though we we processed it and we took it very very differently. My husband's much more pragmatic. Like he's in he's in a tala and like he's just very he was more in like the medical realm >> logical >> more logical understandably so. And I was just like I was really living above nature. And I'm going to give Hashem >> that credit cuz it my amuna came from Hashem. >> But >> sometimes we think it's our efforts. It it's Hashem gave me that amuna. And I know that because even after that, I had a patch of time where I didn't have amuna and I said, "Hashem, I need you to give me back my amuna." >> Yeah. >> You know, when you're living in like the realm of tea, like nature. >> Yeah. Yeah. Of course, >> you feel like you're lacking something. You know, something's missing. >> I need it back. Yeah. Yeah. Give me this. I need to be supernatural right now. I need to close this deal or whatever it is. >> We need it as Jews. We need it. >> It's the we have inside. You know what's a very interesting observation that I heard now when they were talking about the hostages that these hostages were like um they were never in school and never in they were kilonim you know >> and when some one of them they took him into a tunnel a dark dark tunnel he didn't he didn't see one foot ahead of him it was like a dark dark >> place um guess what he did >> out of nothing he started talking to Hashem >> wow >> nobody never introduced him to Hashem But it comes from a place that even if you will never tell a yeid that there is Hashem and there is talking to Hashem and answering everything. He had this whole conversation. He was like asking Hashem for certain things that he wants. Started thanking Hashem. And then all of a sudden he was saying what do you need? I know what I need. You also need something. He started to build this relationship with Hashem. But the observation is that nobody ever taught him this in his school. Nobody talked about it. His parents never told him about it. But when it came to this level darkness, that deep rock bottom that he didn't see anything, literally didn't see anything. Now light by the end of the tunnel spoke to Hashem. >> Wow. It's really innate. It's an innate piece. >> It's innate piece that that we just start talking. Now what you're saying is that after that experience, did you get closer? Did you um you know you reflect on the experience with no accepting with surrender with no anger and you know what I'm giving good energy I'm looking forward for the future. >> Yeah. So I definitely had my shift because after that experience like after the high wore off cuz there was a bit of a high that wore off. I did go into like intense postpartum depression which is common. >> Yeah. talk a little bit about it for the women who went through that because I know there's a lot of people who after a young couple just had a baby and everything went well and everything is fine and you would think that she would be elated. Uh she just had a baby and she's so happy and everything and they fall into this uh a lot of husbands don't know how to deal with it. >> It's really challenging. It's it's also not it's it's really not a personal choice to to to choose to fall into it. God forbid. It happens. It happens because hormonally our our body changes >> and you know I'm not sure what the scientific hormones are exactly but we we the hormones that we have during pregnancy we we lose them and then you know our our body is constantly fluctuating especially if we're like breastfeeding and and we're constantly giving of ourselves and it's a very draining type of feeling even though I wasn't you know giving of myself in that way >> um I still had my body had the same symptoms, you know, my body went through that same um situation. And it's it's a very very challenging space to be in. And um I was in it for a little bit, I would say like 2 3 months where I didn't have the passion for anything. I didn't have desire. I didn't Everything was numb. I think that's a good feel good way to explain it. Everything was like felt very numbing. Um, and thank God a little bit after that I was able to pick myself back up again. Trying to think of exactly how. Um, I just know life in general, life is a journey. But just to answer your question from before, when I look back at that story, I get jealous of myself >> that I had so much amuna then. >> Wow. So yeah, it was one of the most challenging stories of my life, but it was the closest I've ever been to Hashem. >> The conversations that you had and the the >> unreal. Yeah. Including the birth itself, like everything was was laalamata above nature big time, >> right? And I feel like we really get close to Hashem, not necessarily when we're learning Torah or taking things in intellectually, but when something is above, above nature, above understanding, >> right? >> That's our highest most intimate bond that we could have with our creator, >> right? >> Cuz it's beyond logic and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone, >> right? >> It's something between me and God. And that's what makes it so powerful, >> right? And you never had the feeling that um because I know a lot of people have it. I speak to a lot of people and they tell me they feel they're punished. >> You know, they feel like they have a whole list of things why they don't deserve >> Thank God I I did not feel that way. No. No. I I don't I don't view God as a punishing God at all. >> I really really really view that every single thing that Hashem does is for my good. My good. >> Cuz he loves me. because he chooses me every day. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Every day. And he trusts me to be his partner in the co-creation process. So if he does something to me, then it must be for my good. Of course, I don't have this like vibrant level of seeing it every single day like that. Like during my postpartum moment, it was very hard for me to see like I had to go through all that and postpartum like cut me some slack, >> right? >> I was angry, but at least I was still communicating and I was still chatting, >> right? And I think one really powerful message is don't be afraid to ask Hashem for your joy back, for your happiness back, because everything is from Hashem, >> right? >> So like for the for the moms that are struggling with PPD, it's okay to be in it. Also, it's okay to feel your emotions while they're happening because even those are God-given. And then know when it's time to like that's it. I I I I I'm done with being a victim. Not victim, God forbid. I don't want to say that because postpartum is a very very challenging, but I'll share from my place. I remember I was in bed for about 3 months. And I said, "I'm just done. I'm done with that. It's time for me to level up." And I remember I had I chose to take non-negotiable actions upon myself every single day. And they were as simple as wake up and have a cup of water before your coffee. So simple. Um, go to the gym. I had to resign up to the gym. Go to the gym. Non-negotiable. Whether I'm in the mood, not in the mood, you're going. Even if you're doing 20 minutes on the treadmill, doesn't matter. You're going. And the fact that you're showing up in this space where everyone's working out and there's this energy of like we're working on ourselves. It changed me. Like I committed to these little things. Brahos. I couldn't do in like like during my low I wasn't able to like >> do what I did when I was in my high no way I was doing in my low like >> right >> but you do what you can give yourself micro goals and stick to them non-negotiably it's very very important and that's how I got out of my postpartum I did not want to take any medication >> I didn't want to go that route and I and I'm and I'm okay if people want to that's okay >> sometimes it's necessary >> sometimes it's necessary but I just I said, "I know I could do it. Hashem, we could do this together. Come on." Like, come on. And it was very, very hard to stick to this to this list of goals. But I did it. And once I did it, I started to feel myself again after I would say like, honestly, after a full month, it was pretty quick. Like after a full month, I was like, "Okay, I'm starting. I'm starting. The endorphins are coming back. >> Exercise is a real thing." >> Yeah. >> Our body needs to move. And a big part of the postpartum comes from the fact that our body's healing. We can't really move as women. You know, it's it's we just went through a traumatic process. Birth is a very big deal. >> It's also very holy. >> Uh but physically, it's it's it's a lot on the body. And it's important to give ourselves that time to rest, be in the rest, and then when it's time to move, you'll know when when it's time to move. >> Interesting. Interesting. I think it's very powerful stuff that you need to know and people will relate because this is what they're going through all the time. >> Yeah. >> Um I want to talk to you about marriage. Uh what advice do you have for women >> for a good marriage? >> Okay. Wow. Such a good question. I think in general in a in in in a lot of relationships that we value, it's important to be able to know yourself, your values, your opinions, and state them, but also leave enough room for the other person. And what's worked for me in my marriage is, you know, my husband and I are are quite different. We're similar in a lot of ways, but of course we're quite different. is the quality of listening >> active listening and validating even if I may not agree >> but I understand what you're saying >> I understand where you're coming from and that's so valid but you know what that doesn't feel aligned with me right now because let me share my perspective now before me jumping in and sharing my perspective >> trying to convince you that's got to be my way correct >> so you're saying I validate >> I really validate but genuinely validate >> right you got to really believe it. >> Really believe it. And if you don't validate, yeah, ask questions, >> right? >> Because everyone is created in their own way. Hashem gives everybody their own packages. Even when you're married, you're growing in your own separate ways, >> right? >> I see it with me and my relationship with my husband. But it's important that we we share with each other what's going on and that we have the ability to really validate, >> right, >> and move forward. And not everything gets shared. And that's also normal. You know, some things are >> part of our connection with Hashem, >> right? >> Some things don't get shared. But the >> Yeah, marriage marriage is definitely it's not an easy It's not easy. I'm going to be blunt and say marriage is a challenge and it comes with a lot. But when we recognize that it's here to really shape us so that we can become better people, that's when we start seeing it different. >> Right. It's not serving each other. It's both people working on themselves. >> Exactly. >> Together to build something together. >> Exactly. >> Now, how would you describe a sky? What is an Aishas? >> Wow, it's a big one. And as Kyle, Aish as Kyle is someone who is devoted to first and foremost working on themselves just like you said >> because working on yourself when you do that when I do that I know that I radiate more love and light in the home. >> I know that it brings this like light. >> What does it mean working on yourself? Means going against your grain. Is that always mean working on yourself? >> It's such a good question. So for me it's like filling my schedule or giving myself the fulfillment I need to be happy for myself not depending on my husband to give that to me. How can I fill my own cup in my own way? >> Mhm. So um if for me it means like being really structured and waking up at a certain time and then dabbing and learning making kala um whatever it means for me you know but making sure that I fill my own cup in a way that fills me up even going out with my friends so that when I >> it's okay to take some friends friend time >> for sure >> you know girls night out is important >> it's and a guys night out is extremely important >> we need to get in touch with all the all of our parts in order to feel whole and complete. And one of our parts is being social. >> Another part is connection to Hashem, >> right? >> Another part is connection to self, introspection and journaling. >> Another part is, you know, our work uh our work, another part is self-expression, um our emotional self. There's so many parts to ourselves. So that makes an Aisha. >> I think that that filling those parts without feeling the need to depend on the other >> right >> for the filling of those parts, >> right? >> Is what makes us anious Kyle. Yeah, I truly believe that. >> Right. >> Because you bring to the you you as a matter of fact, your partner would appreciate that more than being a drag. >> Exactly. And you're coming more from this place of fullness, >> right? >> Ready to give, >> right? And you're content and you're you're happy also. You're >> sure >> not a negative person because you have your own space, you know. >> Exactly. >> A lot of people talk about emotional safety. What is that emotional safety? >> Emotional safety. Uh, it's a good question. You're saying within the context of a marriage. Yeah. >> What it sounds like to me is like you want to feel heard and understood by your partner. It's really important. And not not always is that going to be the case. Just by the way, even for me, like not always do I feel fully heard, fully understood. I think for me, even when I don't feel heard and understood, it's important for my husband to at least show that he's trying to understand me. >> Yeah. Even if it's like, woo, way over his head, what I have to say, at least he's there and he's present, >> right? >> But I'm sure emotional safety could come up in in a lot of ways, >> right? Like um judgment. >> Judgment, >> you know, like uh nobody wants to be judged. >> Yeah. Oh, that's a big one. Yeah. Like, god forbid when a spouse puts the other person down because they don't appreciate >> Yeah. >> what they're doing or it doesn't land with them. >> Yeah. That's that could be really dangerous because that's also coming from a place of not fully accepting the other person, >> right? You don't give space for the other person to be themselves. >> That's that's dangerous. >> Yeah. >> What about perfectionism? >> Perfectionism. That's something I personally struggled with. >> That's what I was going to ask you with your Instagram page. >> Is it a do you have that that you're afraid what people are going to think or people are going to say or the way you you do it four times till you posted? I used to I used to be more of the performance type, remember? >> Right. >> So performance requires this like level of perfection because I'm performing, >> right? >> But now that I'm more sharing and especially like when I after I shared my challenge, I really felt like there was the Sarah before and the Sarah after, >> right? >> And now I'm just more lax. And I understand that also people want realness, >> right? It's a relief also. >> It's a relief. They they they connect to the realness. Like my videos that do the greatest, it's not when I prepare and I int intellectualize and I share something. No, no, no. It's when I speak from my heart and there's a famous verse, what comes out of the heart goes to the heart. >> Of course. Yeah. So, what would you say to women who uh are going through a hard time right now in marriage or they're suffering? Some women are suffering from fertility and they're having a hard time and they're davening and they're you know the biggest saduses were were uh you know a curse. >> Yeah. >> And there was davening and went to one corner and the other and they're ding. What words of can you tell them? They should keep doing what they're doing and believe that their is on their side and there's a plan there's a plan that you need to surrender. You know there was a story of a uh a woman who was constantly uh dabbing to become pregnant and she went to all the sigulas and she went to all the tadik and to the cabalist and it went everywhere until she found someone who told her that um you don't have a money and she was like I don't have amuna you should see how much I dab and how much amuna I have. >> Wow. from in the morning till at night. I don't think there's anybody that has that much amuna as I do because I went to every cavern and every sadic and every so he explained no you want something and you are keeping a scorecard and waiting for Hashem to uh do whatever you want >> the day that you are going to say that my desire is your desire my roots is your roots and give up surrender >> wow >> and that's when she became pregnant >> wow Wow, that is a very high level to reach >> because because what happens is that you can sit in the corner and cry and dav >> and be upset and be angry and look at your the neighbors and look at everybody else >> or you can surrender and you can say you know what if this is not the time right now >> then make me understand that it's good for me I don't understand it >> but give me a little bit of the das you were talking before >> give me a little bit of the das to understand so what would you say to women who are going through a very hard time right now. >> Wow. So, first of all, I would validate cuz I think it's important for women to feel understood and validated, >> right? >> Like you are going through a hard time right now and it's so valid. Whether it's infertility or god forbid abuse, whatever your current situation is right now, I validate that you are in in darkness, in your personal darkness. I would suggest continuing to pray. And if you don't even have the desire to connect to Hashem, ask Hashem, you're in me. You're literally in me. There's a piece of Hashem inside of us. Connect me back to my source. Help me see the light again. I know and trust that whatever it is that you're putting me through right now is for my greatest good and greatest success. Because part of experiencing the light is going through the darkness. Like we as a nation had to go through mitry mates reim right the very narrowness until we came out. And I would say I would also compare birth is the same thing. I go through nine months of pregnancy and then the birth itself is such a painful process but then you see the light. So in in the way Hashem created the world, there's always this constriction and expansion and then >> right >> and to really again validate. I know that I'm going through a hard time. I know I understand validate and also once you take the time to validate and process your emotions and sit with them, ask Hashem, that's it. Now I want to move forward. But I want to level up because the pain in staying where I am is so great that I I I'd rather take the next step to the pain of whatever the next step is. And it's important to acknowledge that when we're in the same space, even when we're in a very dark space or good space and we want to shift, the shift is going to be painful, too. We need to remember that because a lot of the times we sit and we say or even if we're not being a victim but like we feel like we're like stagnant. We need to take action. We can't wait for something to happen. >> So, what can I do to create a change, a shift energetically in my life, >> right? >> Maybe I could take on a 40-day challenge. Maybe I can add one specific to Hill. Maybe I could pray for someone else. What can I do? Because if we keep repeating the same actions, we're going to get the same results, >> right? >> So really, it's it's hard. It's hard. And I validate and I will say if we want change, we need to we need to be the change. We need to take that change. >> Right. Yeah. And surrender. Surrender is a big one. >> Surrender is a very big one. >> It's a big one. >> Wow. I was just thinking about this last night. I must share >> I fully believe that our purpose in life we come down here so that we surrender and surrender and surrender and surrender and we go back >> as our most surrendered self. But what are we surrendering? >> The ego. >> We're shedding the outer layer of layers of ourselves that no longer serve us. >> And the whole goal is surrender. And we see that through Aram's 10 tests. >> Yeah. >> Why 10? Cuz every layer he surrendered. >> Yeah. Surrender is is that things don't have to be the way you decided. >> Yes. >> You had a vision in your head that this is the way your life is supposed to be. You surrender completely to >> Yes. >> You don't know. We don't know anything. >> We don't know anything. But through the surrender, I'm going to add, we need to be present vessels. >> Mhm. It's like saying um I'm just going to use birth again as an example because for me that was my most ultimate level of surrender because as much as like >> you think you want to plan this way that way, god forbid maybe the baby's upside down or whatever it is like we don't know what's going to happen during birth. >> And so for me it's like the ultimate level of surrender. >> But you also can't surrender to the point where you're not there cuz god forbid you could no longer be in this world. >> Yeah. You can give up. You could give up. It's >> not good. >> Correct. So surrender is like >> there's a fine line. >> There's a very fine line. We need to be present in our surrendering. >> So we can accept also that what Hashem wants to give us. >> But on the one hand, you have to know that we are not in control. >> Exactly. >> Completely not in control. It doesn't really matter what we thought life is going to be or should be >> or comparing ourselves to others. >> Yeah. >> I want to talk about um Tanya. >> Sure. I want to talk about the fact I know you give some lectures and you're very much in tune to it and you're very much you love Tanya >> and introduce Tanya to to the person who never opened up a cipher and in one word what how does Tanya change your life? >> Sure. So Tanya is the most foundational text of and it was written by the alterbi as a response to all the people that were coming up to him with their problems on depression and anxiety. >> So it's about life. >> It's about life. It's very practical steps on how to overcome again anxiety, depression, what we are made up of. We have two souls. How do these two souls function? the battle and it gives such a new perspective and a fresh perspective on literally the struggle and it's so funny that your podcast is called the struggle >> because on purpose there you go >> on purpose because the struggle is the point of life >> right >> to be numb to our challenges is a form of death but to struggle >> and to say okay I have this decision and this decision or I have this challenge this and to work through the challenge the struggle is real life and that's what the tani talks about. >> Right. Right. I had I think Simon Jacobson was here says he reminds me of the the struggle from the nehemia. >> Exactly. The two the two souls animal soul and the godly soul fighting. >> He said he said he said the same thing. But the idea is that um you were saying something very important. Numbing it and not dealing with it is the worst thing. It's it's a form of debt. Yep. So how did you take out from Tanya in one line? What what where did you have your mind shift that gave you a perspective on life from Tanya >> that the struggle is the >> ikar >> the struggle is the main point. >> So that means that healing is uh is a is a lifelong journey. It's never ending. >> Exactly. >> So that means till we are going to die. Is this correct? Explain me if this is correct. That what I'm saying? Until we die, >> there is going to be a struggle. >> Yep. >> Not 60, 70, we'll be okay and we'll retire and everything till the last day. Yeah. >> There is going to be a struggle. And it's okay. >> And it's good. Not only is it okay, it's good because if there's no struggle, then are we really living, >> right? >> If we're going through life and everything's rosy, rainbows, and butterflies, there's no growth. >> But people are waiting for this rosy butterflies. But but that does come after the overcome of the struggle and it stays there for a very short amount of time because God does not want us to get too comfortable >> and then the next challenge comes and then once we overcome a challenge we feel like this high. >> So what we what the idea is that you always have to you have to have the tools of overcoming it. The struggle is going to be >> yeah exactly >> the struggle is here. This is what life is all about. But if you have the tools, if you understand what the balatan is teaching us, right? >> Then you have the tools, you're good to go. >> Yeah. And he provides the tools. Alterba provides the tools in the Tanya, >> right? >> Um Yeah. Exactly. And I I think it's a very powerful point even though we said it again and again like we think that once we're struggling like our life is over. There's this like feeling of like overwhelming sadness when we're >> struggling. Can't take it anymore. It's like why me? And uh you know. Yeah. And even get to this point of like depression where we're no longer questioning and we're in this like abyss of darkness, but really this is this the struggle is is presented to you so that it can be overcome. That's literally why it was created. >> And that's how you grow. >> And that's what makes you fulfilled. That that what makes you content. You overcame another one. >> Exactly. >> And another one. >> Exactly. >> And you have it under your belt like this is what I did. This is how I overcame life. Because >> because that's the purpose. >> That's the purpose. >> Yeah. That's why we come down. Hashem brings us down here. I mean, we come down here as souls in order to come back more elevated. We want to return to him as a more refined and polished version. >> And we come back refined. >> Yeah. Through the struggle. >> Yeah. >> It's beautiful. It's like it's it's real and it's EMS. It's the truth. Do you have any ritual that you do every day that is like you said non-negotiable that you get up in the morning, I do my thing. I you know >> Sure. Yeah. I'll share something really simple. Um I don't do anything before I wash negaser. >> Mhm. >> And say braos because >> you don't you don't touch the phone. >> No. No. I do negaser and then I say brahos and braos is lowkey really important. And sometimes people like, I don't know, quickly eat something. I I used to quickly eat something or do something before braos. But we don't realize that when we're saying the blessings on the Torah, anything that we could speak is Torah. But we need to ask Hashem for permission before the blessings on the Torah. >> Right? >> So what I do is wake up. Those are my non-negotiables at the moment. >> Mhm. And that's gratitude. I mean, you you >> of course. Oh ani when I say yeah of course oh it's like it's like it's braos of kavana right >> yes it's not just brahos it's and of course there's there's a lot of days where I dab in but I wouldn't say it's so non-negotiable >> um and there's a lot of days that I learn and do but what I'm saying what's really really non-negotiable is like negaser first of all it's moa ani actually first because moda ani >> um doesn't have the name of hem in it so we can say it right >> and then really internalizing that I am Hashem's co-creator and hashem chose me today and I'm so excited now to start my day and like really feeling those feelings of excitement and then doing which is a purification of the hands um washing our hands and then saying brahos which is all the basic blessings like thank you Hashem for clothing me for straightening my back for releasing me like they're so >> giving me all my needs >> and you have eyes you can see >> exactly it gets me into this mentality of like >> we need to be grateful for the simple things. Like I am now grateful for the simple things and now anything that I go into, I'm in this like calmer gratitude mindset. >> Yeah. Unbelievable stuff. And this is what gets you through this is what you your go-to thing when you have a hard time in life. >> The gratitude part. >> Yeah. The gratitude piece is huge for me. Yeah. Because grat with gratitude, the more gratitude we have, the more joy we cultivate. >> Right. >> For sure. Now, I want to talk about public speaking. You do that, too. Sometimes you're uh you get hired to be an MC or stuff like that and and you have an easy time with that because sometimes public speaking for people is not so easy. >> Yeah, I love it. I really do love it. >> It's part of your acting, part of your performance. So, you have this in you, but do you prepare? Is it What's the procedure? >> I prepare because I'll ask let's say like if it's a synagogue or a kabad house or whoever is hiring me >> research. >> Yeah. I'll ask I'll ask also like what they want the topic to be about. >> Yeah. But you don't get nervous in any way. I mean before >> I definitely get nervous. I'm human. >> You always get nervous, right? >> Yeah. I definitely get nervous beforehand, especially if it's a really big crowd or >> you look at it like a like a Broadway show. You look at it like you put down a performance over there. >> I would say a mixture of that and a mixture of like my ultimate purpose like Hashem wants me to do this and I'm here to spread a higher message. >> You want to be a vessel. What what's the feedback that most moves you when you after a presentation or something? Is it >> when people give me their positive feedback and say like, "Wow, like that really struck a chord in me or you know when when I feel like I really affected the crowd." It's it's such a good feeling. >> Yeah. It's a feeling that you can't describe. >> You can't describe it. Yeah. >> Yeah. It's it's you can't buy it. It's just the person just got taken over by uh >> inspiration. Exactly. >> Yeah. Now you looking back from when you were a child. Did you know that you were going to be where you are today or? >> Absolutely not. >> This was not in the >> Absolutely not. I for some weird reason thought I was not going to be religious. >> That's what you thought. >> Yeah. I thought I was going to live like a regular basic life. >> You knew about I mean what did you know about religion or you know >> I definitely did not know enough about >> but you like the life that you lived. I'll be like >> yeah like >> you were a career woman. You wanted to have >> you wanted to go to uh to become an actor. >> Exactly. >> Yeah. So, >> you wanted a fun environment, the the fun place, >> but I allowed my intuition to guide me and it wasn't where I was supposed to be. >> Wow. It's amazing. It is. Mom is amazing stuff. So, what do you want uh young girls uh or women to internalize um from your story? >> Okay. Okay. Well, first of all, I want to bless that you should all of you listening, women and young girls, that you should be in touch with your intuition, that you should feel when the voice of Hashem is speaking through you because it's here to guide you in life and to always be attentive and listening to that inner guidance because that's what will lead you to your next step. Um that's one piece and that you should see the challenges as something to be overcome and something for your greatest good so that you become the best version of yourself. >> Yeah, that's very very powerful. Very powerful. Now I have a final question for you. >> Sure. >> Who is your role model? >> Wow. Well, the first thing that popped up right now without even thinking is the Labavature Rebby. >> Wow. Very nice. >> Yeah. How did he make an impact on you? >> Wow, what a question. What a question. I think I mean he continues to make an impact on me because when whenever my husband and I travel around the world, I walk into the Kabad house in the middle of nowhere and I see whoa like a huge picture of him. I get this like feeling in my body like the Reb instituted that the Jews here in this country, middle of nowhere, should have kosher food. minanimm a place to belong as a Jew. >> It is beyond words the man this sadic had that there is a person who was living in in Wisconsin. >> Yeah. >> Okay. And he doesn't know anything but there is a house over there that calls him in on sukas for lean and this the babba passed on years. >> Mhm. And it's still stuff is still happening because there's a Jew over there that maybe can do a mitzvah over there. I mean it's beyond words. >> The care he has had for every Jew is is another level. and and not only care but love love and I never got to see him in real life but I I know I've heard from people who have and just seeing the you know his teachings the way he writes on the weekly para and and whenever I connect to it I feel such profound love I feel like I'm immersing in in the epitome of love and light >> it is unbelievable >> so it's it's truly unbelievable >> a true role model >> yeah a true role model >> role model so you know sometimes we meet people who remind us that um it's not about having all the answers. >> Mhm. >> It's about walking with Hashem. We don't know all the answers. >> Yeah. >> It's all about like we said before, surrendering. >> Surrender. >> Walking to Hashem and having Hashem when when life breaks you. >> Yeah. >> When life breaks you and this is reality and this is not all peaches and cream. >> Exactly. >> Life, you know, >> it's turning to Hashem through the struggle. >> Yeah. when it's the hardest and most difficult because we think Hashem is concealed like where like where's Hashem? Hashem's not here. Hashem left me. >> Yeah. >> No, no, no. Hashem gave you this opportunity and now he wants you to reach out to him through the struggle. It's it's Hashem wants to be brought in the darkness because Hashem actually removed himself from the darkness so that we as his partners can bring him back in. >> Yeah. Yeah. You remind us that holiness sometimes uh happens in the mess. >> It's not only in the sh. >> Yes. >> It's not yum kipper night. >> Exactly. >> You can you can make a kidra night or yum kipper in your own little uh in your own house where where the things are getting tough. >> Yeah. >> I want to thank you for sharing. I want to thank you for sharing your light >> and I want to thank you for sharing the emas and the truth. and I appreciate you coming in today. >> My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. >> Thank you. Thank you.