Sara Lanner- Bringing the Middah of Gevura into our own Lives

It's really really beneficial for me because it really Sure. Is this better? Okay. When someone asks me to really speak about a topic um the personal benefit is then I really need to actually sit down and say to myself, well, what is this MIA? Right? We we use it a lot and the word is used, you know, there's a lot of uh buzzwords we could even call them. But when you sit down and say, well, can I really concretize this? Can I offer myself and share with you what this MA really is about and how to bring it into our lives? And I always say thank you for the opportunity for me to be able to think about it more and now to share what I've learned with you. And I want to set our intentions before we start. Um, which is really just let's understand what it is. What really is this ma? What does it look like in our lives? It's not as black and white as we might think that it is. And once we understand and define what gava really is, then we can actually start to think about and to look at different ways that we can put that misa into our lives and the challenge of it. So I'm going to begin with a question. If you were to go on the street and ask somebody, so what is the definition of the word kak? Most people would say power, strength, right? We we would say strength kak. And I was thinking to myself that the phrase especially after um you know it's a phrase my kids use all the time. It's a very Israeli child phrase. I ask them to do something and they say and I always look at them and I say that's absolutely not true. I say you don't want to do it. And then they just like look at me and they roll their eyes like whatever mommy and they can't right. And I'm just like no. And I just I keep fighting back. They don't like it, but I I want them to understand you can find that kak if you want it, right? That that's that's what I'm trying at least to tell them. And then if you were to ask somebody on the street, so could you define the word gura straight up? Just a really simple word in English, you would say strength. So then what's the difference? Why sometimes are we using the word kak and sometimes are we using the word? And how do we really understand the difference between the two? and noting that when we have two different words that mean the same thing or at least in the street it's going to mean the same thing. That's a really good sign to us that there actually really is a difference between those two terms especially because we're going to see it in our we use the word gura a lot. So what is it that we what is it that it means so I want to really define [clears throat] it based on a beautiful beautiful source that my husband actually shared with me that's related to something we started doing recently which is we started to add into Right? And we all understand, especially because we're here, right? We we know it when we live in America. I spend most of my life in America, but when we come here, we feel it. We all felt that why isn't it raining yet? I mean, fine, it's a little convenient, but why isn't it raining yet? We need that rain. And when it came last week, I actually had the um I'll say this to be in this area for Shabas last week at my amazing, fantastic Shaunie Seafo down the block. And it was torrential and [laughter and clears throat] I completely did not pack a change of clothing for my children who came home drenched. And you know sometimes you look at that and you're just going to be like, "Oh my gosh." You know, and you know what? I looked at my son when he came back in for show. And I was just like, [laughter] we just cracked up because we all understood that we needed this rain, right? We just laughed it off because yeah, it's inconvenient and we need it so so much. So when you look if you look I don't know how many of you have the source sheets with you. If not, don't worry. I'm going to read and translate. But if you want to look at source number one, when we actually look at the source for what is it that we're going to be saying, right? The source that tells us to bring to start saying, it's the Mishna and source number one. And listen, look carefully at the way the Mishna terms the addition that we're supposed to be putting in. And he says, I'll just read you the first three words. Mirin, Gisham. We are going to now mention gurus gashim not kak gishim guros gashim and a lot of the first want to understand well why couldn't we just say masiran gisham or or kakisham the power of rain we're now mentioning rain's power and importance what is the reason that the way that the Mishna talks about it is that it's the gura of rain and on this Mishna the tarisel says the following listen carefully It's so beautiful. He says, what is this referring to when we say we mention right, this is where we're told to put in this phrase of that we're going to that we're domining for the rain to be coming down Vikra, but it's called and termed. Notice again with the word the word that's used. It's not kak, it's gura. And he now differentiates between the two terms and he says, If you want to understand what the meaning of kak is, it's I guess in I I'll translate this the sentence in a minute, but it's it's kind of like your natural strength. There's nothing else that's coming against you. It's just nothing's pushing you in any direction. You just have strength or don't have strength. And I was trying to think of just a basic example to to make sure it's clear for us. And I thought of okay if let's say somebody in the room were to throw me a ball and I actually caught the ball and then I want and you said you know could you throw it back Sarah just throw it back. So I would lift up my hand and throw the ball back. Now depending on you know if you like sports if you don't like sports you know your mass muscle mass and bone whatever it is right you would be able to either throw it further or not but however far the ball would go based on whatever strength I have that's my coach. It's my natural ability to throw it and depending on the distance that it goes that that's you know that that's my co that's my natural power and strength. However, he says gavura is different. Mash o okay >> no worries looks looks good. >> Okay. Masha gibbor that is not the case with the concept of a gibbor. He says the following. Listen carefully. What is gura? Means a context in which I'm identifying an oppositional force coming towards me and it wants to overtake me and instead of allowing it to overtake me, I meet that force and I push back. That's gura. Some things there's an opposite. And we're just going to keep coming back to this because the conception of it is going to be so applicable and it's such an important distinction. It's not just my natural strength. Something's coming at me. Something's pushing me in a different direction. I identify that that's happening and then I push back. So, going back to the ball example, if you were to throw me the ball, I catch the ball. I lift my hand to throw it back to you. But right as I'm lifting my hand or as I'm about to throw it, my 5-year-old comes and starts hanging off my arm. So, it's he's pulling me down. There's a force here. In order for me to throw it back, I'd have to tap into my gura, lift up my arm or put him on my knee, whatever it is. If he wasn't letting go, right, and throw the ball back at you. There's something working against me, coming at me. I have to identify it and then be able to raise my arm and push back against it. That's gura. What does this have to do with rain? So he continues and says it's the same concept when we think about rain because rain in this country is inherently different than anywhere else in the world. really when if Hashem were to use his mid as haden if judgment if that attribute of judgment was at play so then we wouldn't have rain when rain comes down it's because there has been an application of gura instead of hashem only operating based on his mida of judgment there's some sort of overcoming right that's the force the force on the world is den no rain or isel no rain and then there has to be a meeting of that force of midasim and then we get rain that we so desperately need. I was reminded of a song um it's very old song by Rabbi by Aram Freried and I apologize for those of you who have the sources it's actually sourced in a gamarra. So I'm going to read to you the gamarra which is also his song but I happen to have given you in this sore sheet a really beautiful reono shaol which is that is often found in some sidur as a right as a as a preparation right just to put you in in a certain mindset before you davin so I'm kind of h at first I was like ah I didn't give them the garra and then I'm like you know what they now have this gift you can go home and read it and maybe say it before you dav in tomorrow and what it says in the ihir rats well let me back up in the gumar There's a garra that talks about how is Ben Alicia. It's a gamar in braosf. He went into the ba mdash to bring a and he was asked to give hashem a braha this kind of a god. What does he say? And if you'll listen to the words I'm saying and they're very reminiscent to the words that are in this this I gave you. He says, "For those of you who know the song, right, right, it's that, right? It's an old song. I like it." [snorts] Um, that we're asking Hashem for him to overcome the din, right? What might the mishpat the justice with his raim, with his mercy? And we're asking him that your the justice should be overcome with your midas. Please Hashem, deal with us, deal with me, deal with all of us, all of your children with your with your mercy. Right? Give us that little bit extra, right? That understanding that we really do care and we really do want this is how we're asking Hashem to treat us. This whole yehon that the gumar brings down is really a description of gura because gura again is that oppositional force. I'm going to come at you with din because you know what you know not as an individual as a nation as a whole. We we we maybe we maybe we aren't living up to the way we really want to be living up to. And then Hashem, we ask him, but Hashem, could you please just push back, right? Overcome that oppositional force and really access your that we so desperately need. And I'm going to add to this and just kind of, you know, make it more by bringing you a source that you're all going to say. It's fil that we're all going to say in a couple of weeks, multiple times, which is Alanim. And as I'm reading it, it's very familiar to us. I just want you to notice what word appears in Alanim numerous times, right? Alhanim, vapuranim, v alha guros. We're referring to this story as a story of gura, right? Aguros valu a certain a certain sense of overcoming and then hashem was able to save us, right? We were overcoming something. And then we're told the story, right? In the days of what was happening when the Greeks came, they wanted to attack us, you know, kind of like not not in that outside way, in in that underhanded way where you you don't really see because their lifestyle was really attractive and really easy and kind of nice and really fun and certainly swimming with the tide. So that's how they came against us and we keep going and we say and you with your great mercy you stood up for us in our time of is fighting for us. You took revenge kalashim. Again, that that word of gura that we we are defined in that story as gioreim. Gibborim, the ones who overcame, who were able to push back. And my question for you as before we read the Rambam, but we're going to read the Rambam in a minute, is where does that gura come from? How did we have that ability to have that force to push back against something that was trying to get me down? And I'll just share with you the Rambam if you haven't seen it inside. It's a very beautiful Rambom and an important Rambom and it seems like I'm going to be reading to you a story about then and it's not. Every single time that we go through the Jewish year, we go through a new month, we go through we come to Shabas, we come to a we come to something different, there's a specific avoda for that time period. If Hashem is bringing us to Kaneka again, then we have what to work on in as it relates to Kaneka. Kaneka can inform the work, the personal work that we're doing for this month because this is the that Hashem is bringing us to. It is so relevant to today. So if we understand what our forefathers struggled with, it just brings so much clarity to the struggle that we're having or to what we want to be working on in the moment that we're in because Hashem's bringing us to this moment. So I don't know in what number sources because unfortunately I didn't. It's the Rambam. Okay. And he tells us again, it's not an old story. It's a current story. We're in the second temple era when the Greeks made decrees against and they really tried to nullify and attack our religion and they didn't let us keep Torah and mitzvah. Right? They tried to take our money, our daughters, and they went into the holiest of holies and they broke down all boundaries and they made that which was pure impure. And it was a really tough time for us. It was hard for us. We were in pain. They put a tremendous amount of pressure on us until finally we got our salvation. And listen carefully, right? He saved us. We see that word again. It's such an important it is such an integral part of this of this that's coming up. They overcame the sons of the kohanimdulum and hashem saved us and they put a king from the kohan and we gained back autonomy for about 200 years until the destruction of the second temple and he keeps going if we were then then hashem is saying and you need to find your gura Wow, you didn't lose that. And not only do you need to find it, but now is that time to work on it because your forefathers needed to work on it. That's what they had to find within themselves. And when we were, we overcame against our enemies. And then he goes on to describe a little bit the niece of the manora. So the Rambam uses the word gavor. We've seen it now twice in the Rambam, twice in Alanim to [clears throat] describe our victory and really guras is already being mentioned and will probably continue to be mentioned the rest of today. It's just it's really the quintessential term when we talk about victory in war. Somebody's coming at me. Again, identify the oppositional force. They're pushing me back. It's a blow and I'm meeting that force and I'm pushing back to overcome them. That's the nature of gura. It's identifying that force and pushing back. From where did we have that? H how did we get that gura at the time of Kaneka to actually push back against our enemies and then have a double victory? And I'm going to offer you an answer and again I'm going to apologize it didn't make it into the source. There's a beautiful on and I'm going to say most of it out of source and I'll just read you one or two lines because he says it so beautifully and he notices and asks a question. He says, "How come if we are celebrating because there was a victory and there was a war and maybe there's a double victory. How come we don't have mishima now like we do on p on p we also were going to be destroyed and we have a lot of I mean maybe you make lkas and donuts but there's no hakic obligation for you to make lkas and donuts. It's just lighting the manora. I mean maybe your kids will say it's a halaka but it's not right. So it it's why why isn't it the same for Kaneka? And he says because you have to we have to remind ourselves that there is an inherent fundamental difference between what was going on at the time of PM and what is going on in the time of Kaneka. And he says on Purim he says Pim if you remember right if you look at and remind ourselves what is the reason that Hammon had so much power to destroy the Jewish people. The threat was physical annihilation. What gave him that power? Rashi says it. The mafam say it not that they went. They liked it. They enjoyed it. They had fun. They took pleasure in. They used their bodies to take pleasure in a a a scenario and and and a place that was far beyond just perhaps the um neg, right? It it affected us because we we actually had a really good time there. And if we use our physical bodies to enjoy it, says Hashem, well then the gazer against you is going to be physical annihilation. Hammond sought to wipe out the Jewish people at that time in order for us. So again, just just keeping on bringing us back to that definition of gura. So what's the oppositional force? Hammon and his decrees who are pushing against us, right? Having us here's the force coming at you. Don't be ready for that day because they're going to be attacking you and you might be wiped out. That's the force against us. How do we fight that force? How does fight that force at that time? They don't eat. They fast. says the in the words of the Bachu al-Hosam they understood that in order for them to actually win that war and have gura in the war they needed to meet what was going on around them and not eat and say hey I I'm going to dive in and I'm not going to eat and I'm going to I'm going to turn inwards because I understand that if that's what caused me to come to this place and then we know the end of the story right they didn't eat they fasted right Esther goes to Kash and the story all ends well. And when it gets to the time of fighting back in the war, they had the gura to fight back and to win against against Ham. And then what do we do to celebrate it? We eat. [laughter] We eat, right? We we we have it makes so much sense because it's just all exactly what was going on during that time. Says the Kaneka is fundamentally different. We know it already. He says, a such a powerful statement. He says, "What was going on at the time was that we were weakened in our service of Hashem. We didn't want to so much. I don't care so much and it's there, but you know, maybe it's cultural for me to I don't I it doesn't bother me. I don't want all I want to do is be like my neighbor next door and do as he does." Right? That was the influence of Henistic culture on Kisel. It seeped in. It's still here. And we just reacted by weakening his we were weakened in our avoda. Avoda here means service. Service of Hashem, caring, interest, commitment, dedication. We were weak. So because we were weak says and just listen to the way he says it. He says, "Therefore, the was to take away that opportunity to serve Hashem." It's as if to say, "You don't want it. Well, then fine. You can't have it. I'm just going to take it away. No Shabas, no brisma, no mitzvah, no Torah. Fine. You don't want it? Great. I will take it away from you. You don't have to have it." That was the gazer. And all of a sudden, what started to come in was the Kashmon. and they said, "Hey, wait a minute. I don't know if this is what we want." Here's again, just again identifying the oppositional force. The oppositional force is I'm going to take away who you are as a people. Your service of Hashem, your Torah, your mitzvah, what gives you life, what makes you who you are. I'm going to take it away because you didn't want it. So, I'm going to take it away. Here's that force. What are you going to do? And then we push back. And how do we push back? How do we need to be bachuva in order to be have gura in the war? >> Physically. here. So here it's going to be much more in the in the spirit, right? It's not going to be about because the threat isn't to my body. The threat is to my soul. So I need to fight that back. And what did we have to do? We needed to be nephesh. We needed to sacrifice. We needed to do something we don't really like doing and it's kind of not fun and it's a little bit awkward or maybe my friend's going to say it's weird. We needed to find some way to sacrifice for who we are. To choose it again and say, "No, I actually want this, Hashem. I like your Torah. I'm going to sacrifice for it. I'm gonna stand up for it." Being a leader sometimes means standing up when nobody else is. And saying, "No, I do want it." We want it. And that's what all the stories are about. We hid. We would learn Torah because what we're watching Kai Israel do is actually push back against the force that was seeking to destroy them through strengthening ourselves in the service of Hashem. And then we were saved, right? And we were saved. And I know it sounds like I'm appear I'm reading an old story just like I said to you a few minutes. It's not. It's here and it's current. And it means that if we're coming up to Kaneka again, not only is there an invitation for each of us to be really honest about where in our lives maybe we need to look inside and say, "Hey, you know, do I do I choose this or am I just doing it cuz because I did this my whole life." Is there a part of something that I can relate to or choose in my vot keeping of Torah and mitzvah that's not so easy for me that's pushing me back? Notice the oppositional force. Can I find my gura and meet it and say, "No, I'm going to try and do something outside my comfort zone." Because if they were doing it back then, not only is that our avoda today, we also, and this just gives me so much strength, Hashem is also giving us an extra special boost of help right now, too. Try it now because he's going to help you because this is that time period where this guru really needs to come into play. We can lean on their strength and find ours. So, I want to jump into the practical applications of how do we bring this into our lives. Okay. Now, again, in every example that I'm about to give you, what I'm going to try to do and I'm inviting all of us, I'm just going to do it over and over again because I if I repeat it, then I remember it. We're just going to keep identifying that oppositional force, right? That's gavva. It's not just my kak and my natural abilities. It's the oppositional force. It's the thing I'm not so good at. It's something that's pushing me in one direction and how I can meet that and push back because that's our gvura. But it's two stages. You first have to really start to understand what the force is against you and then how to push back. And when it comes to bringing it into our own lives, this gets really tricky because if you were to just go around and ask people like, well, what does gura look like? Most people will tell you that it's like strong and I'm I'm maybe even aggressive and powerful, maybe even a little confrontational and I'm just gura. Except that if we only think that that's what gura is, we're really really mistaken. It's really really not always that. And that's what I'm going to try to identify you. Whenever I talk about bringing something into our lives, I just try to I like to kind of put it into three categories. And what I'm just going to invite everyone in this room to do is to see if you can find one category and one example in a category that you hear that relates to you or that you're thinking of as I'm speaking and that's that thing. Write it down and see if that's what you can bring into your life over the next month or so. I'll start with binum. How do we have gvura when it comes to service of Hashem between me and Hashem? Now, I just want to say it was really hard for me to pick examples. We could spend like hours talking about this because it's really all over our lives. And I just did my best. I picked kind of what spoke to me and maybe what inspires me and where I where I try to work. So, I picked Chabas even though I know it's Kaneka, but I picked Chavez. And and I I just, you know, one of the things that's hard for me on Chabas, I don't know if anyone experiences this, is not ripping off the nail that really wants to come off on Chabas. Okay. It's it it is it's just there and I'm like sitting at the table and I'm noticing it because I'm feeling it all the time and it's just there and I just want to take it off and I know that it's you know you're not supposed to be taking it off. I'm in the haka box of Shabas observance and one year I said to myself, you know what, fine. I somebody seemed made the suggestion and and again the push is remember the oppositional force is just pull it off it's annoying I know it's not okay but it's really annoying so it's and sometimes it would just come off you know because I was talking at the table and I was playing anyway one year somebody made the suggestion and I did it I started to do this the second you notice you have that little nail that's almost coming off go put on a band-aid go put on a band just put on a band-aid wrap it up because well and band-aids are a little annoying especially when you don't need to have them but it was a reminder right and it was I'm being it was a sacrifice. It was hard. I didn't really want to put on that band-aid. But I saw that the second I would notice that if I would go put on the band-aid, it it really would give me that strength to kind of, you know, and sometimes even on its own it would fall off. But that's okay. I didn't take it off until last week. And that was really like, you know, when you when you take a step somewhere, so that's become your norm. And last Shabas, there was a really really long one. And guess what? Oppositional force was still there. Gh, I just sat down. I'm starving. I just want to eat my soup. and I didn't get up to get the band-aid pushed me back and I ended up somehow to shave pulling it off and again saying it in front of all of you is just like right cuz I I had that force and I wasn't able to meet it and sometimes it's really just I'm learning I mean it's it doesn't make me feel good and also because I had already almost like changed my standards so then it also really doesn't make me feel good and and gura means saying hey wait a minute and I've noticed And my gura for me is going to be the second I notice to get up and go get that band-aid. That's the only thing for me that that really prevents it. Moving on from the of Shabas, what about the spirit of Shabas? Shabas is a gift. The Gmorrah says is says to Moshe, I have a really beautiful gift to give you. How are we tapping into the spirit of Shabas? It's supposed to be a day of reflection, a day of connection, a day of almost like like taking stock. How was your life? How's it going this week? Are you living it the way you really want to be? Just one week at a time. It's a weekly gift. You don't have to do it in a big picture. Just a little bit week by week. Are we tapping into that? Are we are we enhancing Shabas in a in a way? And here's the thing. If I bring back in the word kawak, you're all doing it in many different ways in a way that's very natural for you. Some of you love to host. Some of you love to cook new things. Some of you love to sleep. It's all part of the way that we connect to the the the spiritual aspect of Shabas, the ruach of Shabas. That's your KOA. And keep doing those things. Those are good. I have them, too. I'm going to keep doing mine, and you're going to keep doing yours. And we're all here to work on our mida of gvura means, or if you'd like to work on your mida of it means identifying those aspects of the ru of shabas that you're weaker in that it's not so easy for you to do. So if let's say you don't like long meals and you kind of just like want the meal to go so you can get that nap especially on a short chabas. So maybe guru will say well what could I do? What could I put into my meal to just allow it either to go a little longer or to add something beautiful into it that can make it a little bit more special because I want to connect to the ru of shabas. And for those of you who host a ton and you love your long meals, so you're on the opposite extreme and you're really happy, you're doing that great, but you find that every time after Shabas, you're just done, you're exhausted, you're tired, you're really not able to tap into everything else about Shabas because you've been thinking about the hosting and the food and did it go out well and and you just have so much. So then perhaps, right, that's the oppositional force. Host, host, host. Now again, I'm not saying not to host. You can keep hosting. I'm just wondering if you want to find the guru in that. It could be to say, well, is there anything I can do to find time and space for myself so that I can continue to host? Maybe even that's during the week and then you're even going to be working on your gura for shabas on Tuesday. Whatever it is, right? You're finding something, some area that you're a little weaker at and saying, "Okay, this is the force that's pushing me down not to tap into this aspect of Shabas. What can I do to meet it and to push back?" That's Benad. We move on to Benadro. It's the hardest one. Midos and interpersonal relationships are not black and white. They're extremely nuanced. There are so many different individuals sitting in this room. Many of you with may way more life experience than me. And really what I want to just say at the outset is that the mida agura and interpersonal relationships is really nuanced. It's not easy. And it's going to require each of us to actually be very very honest with ourselves. And I'm just going to share this with one last source. I'll kind of share with you what I what I stumbled upon um in a source in a minute. But one of the things that's helpful when you work on your mida interpersonally is to first especially for talking about the mida of gura to identify kind of like your where you are on that spectrum of what I was sharing earlier. Do you have a natural tendency? Your natural tendency, your kak a little and sometimes it really is a koak is, you know, you're stronger, maybe even a bit more aggressive at times. You you will speak up. You'll say your mind. You're going to say it like it is because that clarity is and it's a really beautiful mida because knowing what somebody's thinking, it's really helpful. I have people in my life that do it. We want, you know, we want to do it in a nice way, but it's helpful, right? As opposed to the people that like say something and you're like, I don't really think you mean that, but you're saying it, but I don't really think you mean that, right? And then we find out, no, they didn't, right? That that's not pleasant. So, those of us who have that quality where I'm a little more aggressive, a little more willing to speak up and to speak our minds, is that you? Or are you a little bit more on that other side? You're more soft-spoken. You don't like confrontation. Sometimes it's people pleasing. Sometimes it's just the the wisdom of knowing that you know what, you're okay. You don't have to say, you could just stay quiet, right? Is that you knowing where you are? And by the way, that's me in different situations. So, I'm all of it depending on the situations I'm in sometimes. But but we we each have a tendency, right? Right? We each have a natural tendency maybe and and I will call that a kak because it is a kak. Every mida is a kahak. And when we want to work on gura, we're going to have to be really honest to ask ourselves, well, when am I calling it a kak and it isn't? And I actually need to lean in and to find my gura. And I'll just share with you one beautiful pussa because this is actually probably the the source that jumped into my head immediately about the definition of gvura which I didn't share with you yet which is a very well-known mission of perovos which is benzome back on the source sheet for those of you who want to look inside and again now we're understanding it it's not just about strength it's not just about it's I have to overcome something I have to identify what's seeking to pull me down push me down and I have to meet that force, meet that oppositional force and overcome. That's now in the Mishna there is a proof text. There's a p that supports this idea that at face value looks like it completely doesn't. And the I'll just read you the half that's relevant to er how much time do I have left? >> A few more minutes. Okay. I'm going to soon if we were just to keep it in a black and white place in our minds. Gibbore is gibbore. I'm strong. I stand up. I find that strength, right? Almost like in that that that first type A, you know, aggressive, confrontational, or just strong. Doesn't have to always be aggressive, right? Gibbore. It's better to just be patient, to be slow to anger, to give it that space. If we just left it at face value, then we really wouldn't be leaving. Then then then what I said to you about a minute ago wouldn't be true. We would just say, "No, Gibbor only looks like this." That's what gura looks like. Listen to what the bartinura says. He says, "No, you need to understand that the me in migore doesn't mean it's more than." Listen to what he says. He says, this is what this means. What's going to be crucial here is identifying where it's coming from. The mida of being patient, of waiting is going to be better when it comes from the gura in you. The part of you that identifies the oppositional force and then is pushing back and he says, "This is not an excuse for people to just say don't ever speak up. Always stay quiet. Always be softspoken." He says that's not what this mita is speaking about. It depends on where it's coming from. Is it coming from the gvura in you? Is it that part of you that recognizes that I need to push back against something that's pulling me down? Or is it just you trying to plate everybody around you and then never speaking up? And who are you hurting the most when you do that at times? >> Yourself. You also matter. So I'll just give you two examples that came to mind where [clears throat] it just what this again brings up is how nuance this is and how important it is for you to understand the context you're in and then what the oppositional force is. I once went into a super This is one of the parts of supermarket shopping and for me in this country that is constantly and still the most challenging which is the talent you have to have to put the thing on to go and start packing and then to run back and put more things on and then to go run back and pack and it's very exhausting and especially when there's people behind you that are bless this amazing country already putting their stuff on top of yours. No one knows who's what anywhere. It's really stressful and I get reminded of it every time I do go back and visit America where you just get to like stand around and someone's packing it for you. Sometimes I feel a little like there are times where I'm like do you want me to help you? [laughter] And they're just like no like that that's not your job. That's my job. Like you know what I could help you? Like you know that most of my life I pack my own bags. I whatever. Anyway, so it's hard. And one day it was a little it was about a year or two ago I was in a supermarket and a lady comes up behind me and she was she was walking. She she clearly looked energetically and physically like she was not doing so well. She had a she was walking with a limp. I think she had a cane. Her energy was like very huffy and I h I happened to been in a place that morning where I just needed to take my time to pack my bags and not be rushed. I wanted to do it slowly. I didn't want to have to run back and I felt the frenzy just two minutes ago. I don't want to do it that way. I don't have to. You could wait. It's okay. And I, as I'm like watching her huffiness, I'm like, this is not going to go down well because she doesn't really want me to take that space and that time that I just need this morning because I did I didn't have a good morning so far and I don't want to be shopping right now. So, I just want to do it slowly. To make a very long story short, because this is a story that did not end well. Okay, so notice what's happening now. The oppositional force is the energetic level of this lady that's kind of like telling me to hurry up and then she starts telling me to hurry up. you know, and kind of berating me for taking so long. Should I tell you what I actually did because it's really embarrassing. [laughter] I'll tell you what I actually did. But if I just pause in the minute, right, and I just give you that story. So my question is, now here's the oppositional force. And I'm standing there and the question is now what? Is this a time to speak up? Is this a time to just put my head down and just keep packing my bags and it's okay if she's in a bad mood and I'm just going to keep doing what I need to do? And maybe that really honestly I think the story would have ended a lot better if that's what I did in that moment. I wasn't going to be able to change her mood. I just needed but I was okay making space to just do what I needed to do but not in a confrontational way. I did one of probably one of the most [laughter] if you've ever been the recipient of this on the other side like as I was reflecting on the story I did probably one of the most irritating things which is at one point I actually stayed by the way I stayed doing that. I she was yelling at me getting louder and louder. It was embarrassing and I was continuing to pack my bags. I'm so embarrassed to say this to all of you. I stopped packing at one point because I was really inside I was feeling it. I just wanted her to stop yelling at me and I turned around and I just looked at her and it drove her crazy because all she wanted me to do is go faster and I stopped. It wasn't so nice to be honest. Okay, but that's what I did. And I just was kind of like, "Are you done? Cuz I really just want to go back and pack my bags." Now maybe you'll say it's not so bad. I don't feel so good about it. It's embarrassed me. Anyway, point point being she got even louder, crazier, got the manager to it was very very embarrassing story. And then a lady runs over to me at the end like a young I live in Romaneskal young married and she's like we learned in seminary that when you're in the middle of being embarrassed you have a kraha. Can you give me a braha? [laughter] I lit I just want you to understand that I was on the verge of tears. Okay. The whole store is looking at me. I'm mortified. I don't know where to put myself. She's yelling. She's the lady happens to be yelling mama kazal at me you know um what was the one that you know like um and there was a part of me inside my head that was like you know I have a little bit of a side I'm like oh you want to do a kazal war you know bring it on you know go I mean I just okay just you can understand the scenario anyway this this young delicious girl kept asking me for braha I just I really was about to cry my voice was shaky and I just kind of like tried to be like, "Oh, what's her name? Hi." She was like, "No, no, no. Really? Could you give me a [laughter] She wouldn't stop." I know. It's a crazy story. Anyway, she wanted to me to give her a breath that she should have children. I did. >> And a year and a half later, she had a baby. [laughter] I don't know. I don't know. I just I just Anyway, end of story. So, in that context, we could we could we could stop it and ask myself, well, what what was what was the push back? What was the force coming at me? And what is it that I could say to find my gura? And then there are times where you're talking to a friend and she's speaking to you about a mutual friend and just kind of saying, "Look, I mean, I know she means well, but she really doesn't get it. And I know she doesn't mean it, but she constantly excludes people. And I know she tries not to, but like I'm constantly like like getting irritated with her. And you're sitting and listening to this." Okay. So again, what's the oppositional force she's pushing against? So she's talking about somebody else. Even if she keeps remember, we're very smart. So even though she kind of keeps bringing in like but you know I know right that that's the part that makes us feel like it's okay to listen to because she said but really she's not like that but really she's talking not nicely about her to you it's really hard in that moment to find our gavora and to say wait a minute right and and what I I struggle with is not pushing back too much where you're actually now shaming the other person back it's kind of finding that balance where you could say like wait can we pause for a minute this is what I came up with But by the way, I don't do this well in the moment. I just thought about this example a lot and this is what I came up with. And if I were to be in that moment, this is what I'd want to say. Could we just pause for a minute? I really see that she's hurting you or you're in pain from something right that's going on with her and this conversation is hurting us. It's hurting all of us. I can't. It's hard. Even that even not saying you stink and you're bad and you're saying lush and har and I don't listen to lush and heart. We don't want to say it that way. But even saying what I said, it's hard because there is going to be that little space of like, well, now what? You know, it's awkward. And if we can embrace that awkward, wow, we have so much potential to grow if we could just stand up, find our gura, and allow that to be there. Because you know who you just stood up for? you and also was for her, right? And for Kadesh Bar and we're going to just end with Bayatmo. I I I went back and forth about which story to give you. I'm going to give you a story. Um it's a nuance story. I have a friend who lost her husband, Rahman, very very suddenly three years ago. She was pregnant with her seventh child. Um she had him, I would say, about a month after he passed away. And she's one of the most incredible people I know. I've just been part of her journey over the last bunch of years. And she's marrying off her second child next week. Okay. And she's marrying them off on her own. She has two oldest, two daughters. She married off her first about a year or two ago. She had a beautiful baby girl and now she's marrying off her second. But after the second, there's like boys and that little kid. So for her in the home, she's really losing that that kind of that other anchor, that otherish adult if you want to. I mean, you know, I don't know, my oldest is 21. Like they're adults. Sometimes they feel like little kids, right? And and but she's losing that and it's hard for her. So when I spoke to her last week, I I checked in. I'm like, "How you doing? You know, the wedding's this week. Like, what are you doing? How are you taking care of yourself? What's going on? What can I do? Where you know?" And she said to me like, "I don't know. I'm just feeling so down and it's really hard. I'm really sad about the fact that she's leaving the house and that she's moving out. It's just a really big transition for me." And you know, I'm just I'm just so down. And then somewhere in that conversation, she said something like, you know, in the Saharaas like trying to push me down. You know, I really just need to find the Sima in this and he's trying to get me down. And then she keeps talking. And then I said to her at one point, okay, so like how are you taking care of yourself? And she's like, honestly, I'm not. I I I don't even know what to do. It's hard for me to find the time, you know, I'm just And she kept kind of cycling into berating herself for feeling so down and so struggling. And frankly, it's it's a form of loss, you know, for this daughter to move out of the house and she is by herself. So I I I I said to her, I'm like, can I can I say something? Okay. Now, the reason I'm going to I'm just going to pause the story and dissect it. If we were to go with her version of the story, what she was saying to me, she was let's identify the oppositional force. The oppositional force is the who's kind of pushing her to feel down and to not feel in the moment and to not be really looking, you know, to kind of be dealing with all the really messy emotions that comes up with this big life change. She's seeing that as the oppositional force and her job is to push back and say, "No, I want to be happy." Now, again, I'm not saying that that couldn't be part of it. Just for me, when I was listening to her, I felt like I said to her, "Maybe the is completely tricking you. He's getting you to stay here." You know, I said, "But the person you're missing the most in this whole story that's kind of losing out is really you. And you keep telling me, she keeps telling me that she really wants to be in that wedding there. And at that wedding when she gets there there and in the sima and in the joy and she was even expressing like she's like I hope people don't come over to me and and say in those really irritating things in the middle of the like isn't this so hard for you? Could you be quiet and go don't say that right? She doesn't want anyone to say that to her. She wants to just be in the sim at that moment. And I said to her, "And do you know how you're going to be able to be in that moment when you get there if you make the time and the space now for what you're holding for the fact that this is really really hard and maybe the is kind of keeping you in this loop of like I should be happy, I'm not happy, I should be happy, I'm not happy." Maybe he's kind of actually preventing you from the real guru right now, which is to recognize how much this makes sense, how much it it it it is exactly like what anyone might feel like in this particular situation. And just an invitation, the push back might be, can you make a little bit more space just to take care of yourself? do something you enjoy even if it means going to the hotel but make that space to allow yourself to be in it now so you can actually be in the sim and the joy this coming week at the wedding so my point in sharing that example is that sometimes it's tricky sometimes it's really really tricky to know what is that oppositional force and the atahar I will just tell you knows us so well so if you know yourself well he also knows that and he's going to use that right when he tries to push against us. And I just want to end really um with I guess the the the the goal of this when we kind of look at anything that's media development wise or bringing it into our own lives. He's going to try. Here's your oppositional force. Ready for one? Okay. I want to do this, this, this, this, and this, and this or I have gosh, I have so many different areas where I could think of this. That's the oppositional force. Your push back is to say thank you. Maybe I do. I also have a lot of areas to work on. And for right now today, I'm gonna commit to myself to have one intent, one example, a person, a situation, an area that I want to work on my mid gura in. And that's what I'm going to walk out that might that door with at the end of the day. Just that and let that be enough. That that will be your gura after today. And I just want to end by giving us a braha. When we talk about work like this, I think a lot about a especially because this kind of exemplifies what we're speaking about about finding our says to us ale hope and I don't know for me there are many times in my life where it's been hard to hold on to hope is it actually going to change is he actually going to change? Is that situation actually going to change? Right? Is something really going to be different? It's hard to hold on to hope because whatever pains us the most, do I believe that whatever is providing me with pain will lessen maybe will heal. And in the middle of that sentence says, "Hold on, hold on. Strengthen yourselves. Find that right. That's the force that just says give up. Wait, I don't want to give up." And the the integral I I think I believe and I'm learning this more and more is that that thing that gives me that strength to keep finding my gura is Hashem. It's cave al hashem. We can't do this without him. We just can't. I I I know we know this intellectually but practically sometimes I think I can. We actually really can't. We need him in order to help strengthen us. In order for us to have the wisdom to identify what that oppositional force actually is so that we can meet it, tap into our gura and really bring a tremendous amount of light and joy into our lives. So, Hashem, please help us all of us in this room have that innate wisdom, figure out where are where that forces are in our lives and give us the kohak and the gura to meet them and to continue to bring light into the world. Thank you so much.