S2 Eps 16. Let's Talk With Menahelim

to let through that in yeshiva. I hate to say it, but shouldn't we be able to do that during the year? >> When recess comes and your son is an athlete, I happen to know her son and he plays punch ball and he plays elimination. He gets that first kid out. It's no longer the first day. My son was given a rebby and I knew the rebby peripherally. I knew his reputation, quote unquote. at call them in olive got a change class. >> Welcome to the learning curve podcast brought to you by Mishbaka magazine. >> We are raising children in a changing and challenging world. >> So let's tackle the important issues facing from families today. I am Rabbi Garfield Manal of Yeshiva Terrace Emis in Houston and I love talking about >> I am Rabbi Ari Shonfeld Manelhiva Katana of Manhattan based tipper of Manhattan and director of camp. I also love talking and sometimes fishing. >> Join us as we answer your questions and discuss the topics that matter to parents the most. Welcome back to the learning curve for a special back to school edition. As before season 3, season 3 will hashem start after sukus. But as we prepare for yeshiva and wind down the summer months, we have a lot to talk about. So Rabbi Garfield, how was your summer? >> Oh wow. I guess that means it's time to come to terms with the fact that the summer is over. And I think I'm there. I think I'm ready to face reality. >> Yeah. Well, we had the chance to actually meet over the summer. We met. Our families met, right? It was >> Yeah. Everyone was like, "Who is that?" Wow. That's Ari Seville. All the time they they heard of you, but they never met you. So, that was very special. I got to see you in your natural habitat over there in the Cat Skulls. It looks nice. >> Was that your first time in the Catskills? >> No, but it was my first time to your type of place. Like, I've never been to what is it called? Bungalow Colony. I don't even know what they're called. >> Yes. So I don't think I've been to Bangalore colony but not so much. So it was nice to see and it was great to see you and how relaxed everyone was. It was great. >> So now I don't know if we have no camp jokes for at least 10 months, right? Registration hasn't even opened yet, right? So >> well I have to say I have to say I had a very interesting camp summer because one of my children was in a camp. I had three kids in camp, different camps, but one of them due to a certain reason we had to end up going there for Shabas. I spent shabas in a real camp and like my first time. >> Jokes on you. Jokes on you. >> Yes, you should have seen it. It's nowhere near as impressive as a I'm sure. But I have to say it was a spectacular shabas and I was very impressed by the whole mat of camp. It was beautiful experience. >> Yeah. So our I I hope I think a was a very impactful summer. No. >> So did you have any new insights for Bari? any new kiches or mice look or you have to share with our listeners one reason that justifies elite your enthusiasm you know >> so so usually I wouldn't share a story that a parent shares with me but this is such a small but I think mind-blowing story even though it's you know I don't know if it's going to make it to a gold you know tishabove session but it's the power of camp in a nutshell so I don't think if The boy finds I'm not going to say his name. I don't think if he finds out that we're saying over the story this will he'll be you know embarrassed. I think it's a hush of a story. One of our superb campers and all of our campers are superb. Goes home. I thought he had a wonderful summer like everyone else. His father sends me a message the day camp ends and I will actually you know what? Let me read to you the message. I might as well. Right. His father sends me a message and I read it. I'm like wow. and he says, "Hi, this is so and so. Thank you so much for an amazing summer for my son." We just got home. Literally, the first thing he did was go into his room and take down all the sports players that are hanging that he paid good money for. And he said, "These shouldn't be hanging in my room." He said, "The he received in camp made him want to do it on his own." So, an incredible story. And what's to me even more incredible is I shared this story with you Garford. Then he said to me, "Oh, was this a point of emphasis in camp this summer, who our real heroes are?" And I said, it didn't come up once, not once the entire summer did we mention anything about uh the NBA basketball players and the football players. Are they the real role models are Feinstein? No. But when this boy comes to camp and I think all camps have similar experiences and he sees that the best player on the basketball team is also his counselor who's a role model who's a bentora he's able to see that it's not a steer and I think that's one of the the huge takeaways of camp is for kids to see counselors Madri and Benetra who are quote unquote normal who are superb in the base medish and superb out of the base medish I think everyone gained It was this is just one small vignette from a kasha summer that I happen to have this platform. So I'm able to share my stories. I'm sure there are similar stories in all other summer all of the camps throughout the summer. >> Look to another manal who also is in camp. It seems like a lot of manalum do this. you know, it's like a common overlap, I guess, where they go in the summer and they love it. And they tell me that there's no the ability to really influence kids and really connect is so different and so much heightened in camp. And it made me wonder, kids spend 10 months of the year not in camp, right? >> Yep. >> So, what could we learn? What could schools learn from what makes camp so spectacular from a perspective that we could take back to us? Because you know it's kaval that a kid like this let's say this kid right so like he goes to school and he has rabim and he's learning terra and all the things that go on in a regular year but that didn't inspire him to connect with pride to take down the pictures is what's the message to us it's an awesome question I always wonder and this is my my when we have meetings after camp and we try to figure out you know what am I right when am I wrong so this summer again was blehar beautiful summer and this cussion kept coming up with me and my staff into or bame and some of them are manal it was >> how can we take this experience and this success into the classroom >> into the Shiva and if you're lucky enough to be a manal then you're able to maybe speak about it to your bayon if you're a rebi >> and I think I'll tell you another small story and it wasn't in our ma camp we have a mifa program that's part of our camp and I speak every Friday night about the beauty of camp changes lives ko I give it a smoo every Friday night to the whole camp >> and a kid who I don't comes over to me. He's in the mifto. He was never in my camp again. We're kind of joint, but we're not joined. And he says to me, remember you spoke Friday night about camp changing lives. And I said, "Yeah, I want to let you know that this camp this year changed mine." That was it. Sal, you don't know who I am. And I decided I went back to him a few days later and I said, "Hey, you got to give me something. What? How to change your life?" And it goes too many things. I said, "No." I even said to him, "I have a podcast." >> Wow. Nobody's listening. I don't know this boy. I don't know this boy. first time I ever spoke to him in my life. And he said to me, "Isn't this crazy his answer?" He said to me, "You know, when I wake up in the morning and I walk to Shakris, the division had say hello to me and my counsel say hello to me like I met her." >> So let through that in Yeshiva. >> Crazy. >> I hate to say it, but shouldn't we be able to do that during the year? So I think the biggest challenge that we have in yeshiva is we are so busy and I hope I'm not being judgmental or condescending. We're so busy preaching and teaching lessons ideals rashi tis rigor rigor >> we're so busy preaching and teaching we don't stop enough and see the kids >> we don't stop enough and just embrace them told me one again one of our said to me he said the biggest lesson he's learned in the last 5 10 years in is that he said the toughest Just kids, you have to work on yourself to like them. You can't just be nice to them. You have to like them. You have to train yourselves and work on it to like the annoying kid and to like the kid who calls out. And and to me in camp, maybe it's easier, maybe because there's less lessons. You know, I know the rebby that is preaching and teaching about not following superheroes and not following NBA players is maybe less impactful because it feels forced >> on a certain aspect than the counselor who's the best player on the basketball team and is also up before Shakar is learning that is much more impactful to this kid than the schmoos. >> Learn from what I do, not what I say. Learn from my actions. Learn from my life experience. >> Right? And I think especially in elementary school where we're so it's not just rigor. It's you need wrote and you need consistency and you need so much of that basic daytoday activity where a rebby what a rebby the rebby part that has to be I don't want to say forced but you're try I almost think we try too hard sometimes. >> Does that make sense? is >> I mean yeah it's a balance because like half parents want us to be more aggressive academically and half parents want us to be more sweet and supportive right or >> it's not a steer why is that a contradiction >> because it's a matter of focus to some extent it's very hard to you know keep the academic sort of rigor whatever the right word is academic advancement in your mind while you're also making sure that you're providing that emotional warmth. It's just you're right. It shouldn't be the job. >> That's the job. >> I agree that we should try to do both, but Lameisa, the more we focus on making sure what like for example, you have a faculty meeting, you're meet one-on-one with the Rebi, right? You choose what you talk about. Now, if you have to finish the curriculum for that year, you have to cover the shares. You're going to do the JSAT at the end. You're going to be held accountable for an academic achievement, which is very measurable. So, sometimes that could slip into the focus, right? Because that's right. Or you could not talk about that stuff and talk about, you know, the emotional development or who's connecting to the kids. And they're both important. You could try to do it 50/50. I don't know. It's just the >> I don't think it's 50/50. I think it's 100 100. IP sounds so cliche and so I roll. I think our job as leaders is to 100% push academic rigor and excellence and push and at the same exact time 100% embrace the kids for who they are. I know you were saying that yeah, part of the reason camp works is because there's less of the rigor, the preaching part. I thought that's what you were saying. The reality is that 100% comes with a certain amount of work. That's not fun >> because because I think inevitably in yeshiva we don't do a great job at bifurcating. We don't do a great job at tancing at Vas and we focus so much on the academics which we should but we don't at the exact same time embrace the kids the mitsuyan and the weak ones for what they need someone told me recently that big who opened the bish of I don't say his name I don't know if he wanted to know him publicly and he went to and he said what should I sp focus 90% of my my my focus should it be on the mitsu on him you know working them on and should I should that's should that are those the boys I should talk to the most or should it be the kids that need the mental health and the kids that are struggling with things you know which one should I focus on and said to him the question is a toast there's no such thing that as a kid that doesn't need today even the mitsuian needs your >> well I mean really that's the famous messa without alaratka right when he asked salant this is brought He asked him what should be the focus of the he was opening a high school actually called and he said I forgot the buzz broken hearts to build the broken hearts that should be the focus no less this isn't >> so so my takeaway to go back as we enter as I take off my color war red and blue hat and I put her in my manal hat I am re-energized and will be refocused to push my yeshiva mashem to to excellence in all areas and but to embrace faculty first and then you know rebum teachers and children next in pushing on the one hand and embracing and seeing them for who they are and what they bring to the table in a real way. >> Beautiful. We're doing something a little different here. We got some clips from some parents and we're going to play one about a parent who's talking about some of the practical things that they do to prepare their child for the school year. And so let's listen to what this parent has to share. >> I like to help my elementary schoolage aged children be prepared for school by going very carefully through their very often complicated supply list and just making sure they really have everything that's like the right one for that school, the right one for that age. I find when they come prepared that is something that they're able to control by knowing that they have everything that they need. And often also fresh uniform. Even if it's not like a full set, just one brand new shirt with the nice little creases on it from the uniform room also goes a long way. >> All right. She mentioned the school supplies. >> That is the bane of everyone. How do you guys do it over there? We've gone through so many different >> It depends on the year literally. Does the school pay for it and order it and the parents pick it up? to the parents, you know, in the end Manhattan it's challenging because we don't have so many local options of everything. Manhattan is more expensive. So, you know, parents would prefer maybe sometimes to go to PAC or my to do their shopping >> and then there are companies that claim they're going to do it, but then they don't do it on time or they send junky pens or crayons and it's a whole big it's a whole big deal. I think the overall point that this mother was making which was important is you know and when your child comes into the first day even feeling prepared >> right >> even the you know like scrum schools give out supposed to bring to school the card that you give in usually means if you're up to date on your immunizations or tuition >> people do that I didn't know people do that >> yeah she would still do it you give in the admission card I think they call it >> your kid just feels >> better and all of a sudden I don't have Reb, I don't have my admission card. Oh no, could I am I allowed to sit down at the desk? >> Right? >> So, the more that you can prepare your child for that first day, especially the more anxious children, the more you can start him off the right foot. I will share with you that I had a parent a couple years ago that was transferring into school. And the mother called me all nervous. >> H just the first day, the first day. And I said to her, "Mrs. It's the first day at 9:00 at 9:06. It's not." >> Good point. And that when recess comes and your son is an athlete, Ham know her son and he takes and he plays punch ball and he plays elimination, he gets that first kid out, it's no longer the first day. >> You know, so I do think we over we overrate the first day, >> but kids are so they need to be ready for that first day. >> We do we used to invite all the kids to come to school like the day before, drop off their stuff. >> Really? >> Oh, but the school is too >> Why' you do that? for this reason >> a little bit. Yeah. And also they bring in these bags and they get the carts and families who have four kids are coming in with all this stuff. So >> teachers by us like the teachers your building that's impressive that your building is fully ready the day before. >> Yeah. Four o'clock. But yeah >> but now we just do new kid preschool because you know for the little kids we have a preschool so it's hard and then new kids. So the newer like anyone who's new to the school could come and you know smelled out before but the regular you know the other students come all >> Have you ever had a an experience where a kid who wasn't quote unquote fully prepared it threw them off in a major way? >> I would say second grade and under you know where they're just like so anxious they won't let their mother leave or something like that. But you know it's hard to gauge the level of discomfort that a child will have. But there's certainly a lot of anxiety that they feel that we want to sort of mitigate if we can. >> You know yeshiva like ours and I guess I'll let you know we have a new rebby this year and we had a new rebby last year and in a small yeshiva new rebby really matters. Those are big things cuz every Rebby is known by every parent and Arishie is really the way Houston was, you know, 15 years before Big Garfield showed up. >> Really a small little family. And that first day where you usually know the Rebby because you knew him last year and your brother had him and your older brother had him, >> right? >> There is that unease. That's that's any transition. >> Yeah. >> I will say I love like 20 minutes into class time, like 9:15 at our school, it's so quiet. I go to my office, there's nothing to do. Every teacher shows up. Barashem pretty much >> every kid is in class. It's just like quiet, you know? You walk from a hall. It's >> No one has a report. >> Yeah. >> Do you have an assembly to start off the day? >> We have every day for first through fourth grade boys and girls. We meet every morning. I get to say hello or connect with the kids, >> right? >> And then I dismiss them from there. So, we have that and then yeah, the well the boys dive in. So, they have whatever they do after minion. the manal gives some kind of spiel and I'm sure the girls also do something. So each group has their own. >> Yes, we we meet in the base of medish box. This might be the first year little T4 that we might not fit which is very exciting. >> But it's also you got to give the kids 10 minutes just >> right to smoo and get out of system and the new sneakers and this and this and I where were you? ensue and as much as the rebim are nervous and the kids are nervous, there really is an excitement for the first day. >> Yeah, 100%. >> Okay. Now, we asked the Rebi to talk about what he does to prepare and you'll hear from this Rebi his thoughts about what he tries to know before and what he wants to do to get ready. My name is Mati Ziger, seventh grade rebra. regarding the question about what I'd like to know about my class before I get them is as little as possible. Uh there is a mig amongst rebum that they sit down and they go over and they tell the next rebi details and I feel that it would give the kid a disadvantage for me to have whatever preconceived notions I have about a kid based on the previous year's rebby. Not only that, on the first day of class, I clearly tell the boys that I know very little about them and because it's very simple. If they had an amazing year last year and they don't have an amazing year this year, then who cares what they did last year? If they had a terrible year last year and they have an amazing year this year, once again, who cares what they did last year? So then the coup is they should come in with a clean slate as much as possible. I do work in the I do know what's going on, but they should have the ability to come in with a clean slate and we should be able to get to know each other in a way that's productive and helpful to everybody. >> All right, there you have it. Well, we know Rabbi Zigger is a real expert mechanic. What do you think about this? Seems like one of the old Shilas, you know, I feel like discussed again and again, but what does Ari Schofeld, what does Rabbi Schinfeld feel about it? So, a little bit of a tidbit about Rabb Zigger. Yeah. Who I did not speak to him about this episode. This is the first time I'm hearing him. I didn't know he was coming on today. I learned with him together by Salber. And the real tidbit is that he had a chance to be really famous because when I started Nights America, my first phone call was to Monty Zigger. >> Oh, really? >> And I said to them, I have this idea. COVID is happening. I think the world is shutting down. I want to teach Kamar to kids. I don't think I could do it on my own. Would you like to do it with me? Then he said, "You're out of your mind." >> Really? >> Yes. And he basically the phone on I don't know. I remember why he felt that it wouldn't work or he didn't why he wasn't uncom he wasn't comfortable. I forgot the reason. So he turned down Nights of America, but a tremendous and then from the best an incredible reb asked me my opinion. Should I get last year's list? I get this question from Rabim all the time especially now we have new rabbim and my answer is I'm not I don't have strong opinion on this I think it really depends razor has a strong opinion on it so I let his opinion stand but I understand the rabbi that says I want to start fresh I also understand the rabbi that says hey if this kid has things that trigger him don't I want to know the triggers right if this kid is allergic to peanuts shouldn't I know not to bring peanuts into school I mean of course we're not free but right if this kid is a yasum of course you have to know about If this kid has a mother who is incredibly challenging and shouldn't I know that when I call her there are things I think that everyone agrees that are important to know. He didn't mention he works in the yeshivas. I think it sounds like he'll find out those things. But what I agree with is the rebby that just didn't connect with the kid or didn't right didn't have a good year with the kid stuff like that which is anything that is subjective you should not know about but anything that is objective family dynamic something family isn't like of course those are important to find out I let the rebum lead me in this but I do think there is to you know it really the answer is it depends >> yeah I I think I'm with you on the fact that I don't have such strong feelings about it. You have to know yourself as a Rebby. If you think it'll somehow impugn your ability to give the kids a chance, then you shouldn't do it. But I would think that a professional could hear a Reby's perspective and keep that in mind and be healthy about it. I would think. And like you said, there are so many different things that we learn over the years about Chad has trouble reading or he's a slow processor. Give him a chance to answer. keep him away from another kid. Or >> as a rebby, what did you do? >> As a rebby, what did you do? >> I was the ninth grade revy. So, I didn't it wasn't in the same school. So, therefore, my access to the eighth grade was a little less, but I don't remember specifically going one by one or I don't remember specifically knowing, but you know, like I said, I don't know if I feel so strongly about it. When I was in YBH Rebby, there was only one parallel, there was one class, so I knew every kid basically. I also had ran a day camp then and they almost all the kids came to my day camp so I knew most of the kids already unless there was something that I I needed to know. I'll figure it out on day three. I guess it's really the manal's to make sure that the necessary information is shared minimally like you said like a family situation or >> so let's ask the question this way as a parent would you want to call the rebby before the year to let the rebby know my son you should know has ADHD my son has anxiety he might get nervous he might come across this way but don't translate it it's the wrong impression would you want to give the rabbi a heads up in the one one hand you're ready labeling your kid on the other hand you're giving the rebi the tools and maybe the >> when I was a nth grade rebby I used to call every parent in advance now part of that is because >> let's talk to the parents because I don't most reb listen to our podcast because they already know all the answers >> well these other I'm just saying I think that's a healthy activity to talk to the rebi especially if there's a reason to meaning if your kid is fine and there's nothing you know that needs to be talked about you don't have to call there's no to call but if you do feel there's some information that's valid and they need to know for sure you should call. I would think. Do you disagree with that? >> No, I just think that >> what's the drawback? >> True. The drawback is that you don't want your son labeled and rebums and in mention >> he has that like right >> you're talking about something that's significant enough that he's going to find out you know >> and I think most are professional enough not to let a label you know like I said get in the way of their ability to embrace a kid. I mean, what are you telling the Revy already? You know, he shot in the last Revy, you know, like what? >> Now, I wonder if this changes, and it probably does, is that the reality is, um, which will be an episode that we will cover in season 3, we already decided, is the girls moas that many of them are very young and they're 20 and they're out of seminary. So then the question is then it becomes a much more delicate question. It's not a seasoned rebi, right? It's maybe an amazing girl who's who her youthful exuberance and her excitement is going to be the she'll be the best thing for my daughter. But this fourth grade daughter who has a little bit of ADHD or anxiety or whatever it is and you call up this girl who's on her way back from BJJ and you tell her and she's not a Now this is a why is she my daughter's mora. >> You know why? Cuz you're not there cuz you're you don't want to do it. That's why mom >> what do you mean? What >> the mother who's calling is not being a mora. If she was, we wouldn't have a moa shortage. >> Here we go. Rebecca Garfield, go give your pitch. 30 second pitch. >> Saying like, you know, you you want good moras. Be a good mora. Go ahead. We want you. >> Awesome. Don't complain that I'm a 19. If you're 35, >> you're going to the gym. I I'm happy you get to go to the gym. That's wonderful. >> Shots fired. Love it. >> All right. Now, you actually segueed very well to the next clip. So we could go into the next clip which is someone who's concerned about what they heard about the teacher and let's hear what they have to say about it. >> When you hear something negative about a teacher, I think that it matters a little bit from whom you hear the negativity. If it comes from a parent in the class, I'm always very careful not to be what I call a campaigner parent. This is the parent who calls up half or more of the class, presents a situation or opinion and campaigns for other to come around to a a certain way of thinking or potentially worse to take some sort of action. I don't believe in being that type of parent, but I also don't believe in participating in the campaign. This is a time to be a gibbore and be a devil's advocate. Beat down the cafus. Are we sure we have an accurate representation of what happened? Who is the source of this supposed intelligence? A seven-year-old? A 10year-old? someone who tends to get involved in drama or politics. If the campaigner seems receptive to the possibility that their activity is pointless and in my opinion it is not a way to solve a problem then say something otherwise don't join the ADA. It can go nowhere positive. If on the other hand the h information comes from a child then a parent has to strike a balance between considering whether a certain amount of advocacy is necessary on their behalf or whether one should be makaz the child to grow and meet a challenge. I'm a believer in the notion that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In life there are many challenges and challenging people. This is not one of life's electives. If you feel that your child is safe emotionally and spiritually then you can train your child to become more resilient. And you can also teach some behaviors that will assist them. Perhaps the child is inadvertently talking back to the teacher. Perhaps they can learn to speak more carefully or to answer back less often. I always taught my kids that it takes two to argue. The way you end an argument with a teacher is to say, "Okay, Rebby," or "Yes, Moa." Or, "Yes, mommy." All that being >> advocate for a child a few times can in my 28 years of parenting. And in all of these situations, we advocated without necessarily discrediting the teacher, which I think is also a very critical piece. >> Well, that lady really thought out what she was going to say. Let's talk about what happens if you're worried about next year's teacher. You heard concerning reports. I'll let you start on this one because this is a very delicate one that happens every year in every yeshiva about what to do when you get that moa that rebby that you know you don't even you had a bad experience with right your last son or daughter didn't have her or as I was saying before she never taught before they just hired a teacher because someone left during the summer and you hear on the class chat that oh my gosh this year is going to be a disaster right as this mother you know very eloquently at least explain what is your role as a parent in this situation. >> I think this is a great opportunity for parents to hear a manal that has no skin in the game for them. If you're from Houston, then I do. But if you're from anywhere else, I'll just tell you like this happens all the time where a parent will call me and say about a rabbi mura teacher that a lot of people love. I've heard like great things about them from other everyone knows that you know Mr. or Mrs. is a rabbi whatever is so bad and it's no there are a lot of people who really like that person. It really depends on your kid and whatever. So people are very quick to say everybody knows when it's so rare that's the case if ever because why would a school be keeping a person like that? You know usually there it's much more complicated. That said, when you know you advocate for switching a teacher, you don't know what you're advocating for because a lot of times this happens where there's a reason that the school decided to put that child in that group. There's a lot of reasons. You say, "No, no, I don't like that teacher." So, you switch or you try to switch and then you cause yourself all these other problems that you don't even know about. And that happens so often. >> So, I'm not saying there's no validity to the concern. I'm just saying tread lightly and with a sense of a little bit of anas, a little bit of understanding that you might not have the entirety of the picture. >> So, I heard it in, you know, going back to camp, one of my campers shared with me this year a story where a Rebby said something to him that was really inappropriate. Made fun of him in a really not nice way. That was the kid story. >> And I found this out because I called the parents up and I said, "Mr. So, Mr. Mrs. and so, your son's having a great summer. I know him for 5 years. He looks different this summer than he did in the past. He doesn't have the same spark. What happened this year? And they shared with me this story that the Rebby says something to the kid throughout that was incredibly hurtful. Fine. And we spoke what happened. Deal. Fine. They called me back a week later and said to me, did we make a mistake? I said what do you mean? We didn't go to the man with the story when it h even now like we feel do we have an aasel to tell the man to tell the rebi said made fun of my son Baramas we told you know this guy we told people but we didn't make this you know we didn't go to war to get this be fired maybe we should have look what he did to my son >> wow >> so they asked me do they make a mistake by not they were like almost cuz In other words, they're hearing from me that their son lost a spark was was affected by it. So I said to them, listen, you're playing with I know there are a lie who's played both ways. If a Rebi does something that is just I don't know. Again, the story was the Rebi said something not nice to the kid that was hurtful. Of course, there is a red line, but I'm not an advocate of getting fired. You had a very bad experience at the Rebi, right? And maybe it was a bad sh and maybe had a bad moment and you rebi the way you said over the story to me sounds really wrong. I don't need to play God as a parent. I said if it was my child I would not call the manal to try to get the rebi in trouble three months later. >> In the moment it would have been good to call the manal. >> Yeah. In the m right correct. >> Maybe he could have talked to the >> correct maybe could have corrected you could have apologized. No. So, so, so often when it's the two weeks before school and you're, you know, you're getting all that lashara about this Rebi, this Moa, so much of it I, you know, as you said, everybody hates and my answer is really tell me three people because they'll always have one >> one or two. >> They'll always have one. I want three, not one. >> I do the same thing. >> And usually the time do they get to person number three? Really? They really Well, >> they've said I heard from >> Yeah, I do the same thing. So much so that my staff knows that if they ever say everybody I'm like don't even they don't even say it to me. >> Listen there are teachers that aren't good that aren't good. >> I had a story with one of my own children in which he was my son was given a rebi and I knew the rebi peripherally. I knew his reputation quote unquote. I called him an olive dish. I said you got to change his class. So bes my son can't too much of an important year blah blah blah. And he said to me do you trust me? And they said I love you to bits. I trust you. Trust me, it's the good. And I said, wow, you're you're wow. >> And he said, yes. >> It was my son's best year in >> Yeshiva. Wow. That is a great story. >> You know, overall the answer is so much of life is three seen through your own lens and your own experience. >> And even when your older son didn't have a good relationship with his Rebi and your daughter didn't relationship with his Mora, you're just hurting yourself because as you said, most of the times the school won't let you change. And if you do change, you're going to miss out on your three best friends and a different and you're not going to get the right English teacher. >> I'm gonna say something crazy now. Hopefully it won't get in won't get in trouble. Yeah, I'm going to say it because I feel like we're trying to help at Seore. So I'm going to say it, which is this doesn't really happen in Houston, thank God, but I've heard from other monols perexia goes a long way. And if you know people who are big donors to the school or whatever or mukas to the whatever they use that leverage to get placement and I am sure that in the totality of the amount of people who've done that it's only hurt kids like you think since you have protexia you're going to put in your two cents and you like sort of move your kid around to the classes and the teachers you want but I I suspect that in the end you hurt your kid because he or she does not get the natural selection and the appropriate placements and you know you can get away with it once or whatever but if you spend your life sort of using your protexia to protect your children from what you perceive as the best situations not smart. So I pity those people. But no, in all seriousness, if you have the proteexia, you're lucky. Some should smile on you. You should use it lean. Don't use it to try and influence the school because in the end, too much of that really comes back to harm you. Not only because as we said the decisions might be might not be ideal but even the that the kids get a sense of respect for the system and understanding of the kashivas for a rebim or teacher where you say oh we didn't put you in that class or all that stuff the entirety of the package could do so much harm even if you can get away with it >> well said rabbi well said >> have you experienced that or you know what I'm talking about >> I mean of course I know you talking man the world of taxexia again we don't have parallel classes of that whole banter. >> We really don't have it so much either, but I've been to conferences where people talk about it and they say, "What was I supposed to do?" But they end up really not necessarily helping the kids. It's a hard situation. >> It's a hard situation, but you want to know people that that have protexia, do they get different treatment? We had this in a previous podcast if you remember a long time ago. The answer is the reality of life is that protexia helps and sometimes it helps. I guess opens doors for you that you wouldn't, you know, have open. Maybe it's a you helping the rabbit. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I love that we're speaking in code. >> No, not against protectsia in total, but as it relates to getting your kid in a certain class. That's where I'm saying, as we're saying, it sometimes could be do more harm than good. Overall, that's what I'm saying, >> right? >> Okay. The last clip that we have here is probably the biggest transition for kids is going from eighth grade to 9th grade. Maybe from 12th grade to base meish, but I'm not sure. But most 12th grade already based major dick in our age system. So really >> how about 12th grade to seminary right that's >> but going from eighth grade to nth grade at least for a boy is certainly a very significant change. You were an eighth grade revy right or seventh grade. >> I was eth I was eighth grade for nine years >> right and I was a ninth grade revy so we could really talk to this but >> imagine going from Shanfell to Garfield. I don't think we had anybody after that. >> I don't think we had any. No, no, I never I was in Atlanta and you were in in Payic distance. >> But >> yeah, >> you know, we could say we know that the ninth grade the amount of independent learning and the hours of learning and the Sunday full day and the night theater and some places even Shabus and it's just a tremendous amount of learning and the level of learning is really amped up. You know, it's interesting that the eighth graders in camp, they're the most emotional because it's really the end of in their minds in a certain sense of their childhood. >> Yeah. >> True. >> You know, so like for them the end of camp is it's a bubble that pops and it's the emotion at the end of camp, the eighth grade in our camp is very powerful. >> Is that a um department whatever like a division or >> Yeah. Yeah. So, eighth grade has their own division and then comes sifa, you know, the end of eighth grade as as wonderful as they are and as they are, you know, they're they're afraid. >> We always in our school have a fun trip at the end of eighth grade like not a per se. They go to Austin or San Antonio for a day maybe boating and some people have said like why do you do that? you should go to, you know, Lakewood, see Russian. And we, we always said like they're going to have a lot of opportunity for that, you know, but you want to really like the last chance for them to have fun as a group with the relationships with their rebby. >> Yeah. >> There's something special about it and they'll look back at it >> with a lot of fun memories. So, let's hear from this ninth grade rebby who's going to talk about the transition. I was asked how the ninth graders are dealing with the shock of missifa learning versus what they were used to in elementary school. That's a difficult question to answer in two or three minutes. Um it also I think the question has to be asked in a different way. How they're dealing that really depends on each boy. Some deal with it better. Some have a hard time dealing with it depending on what their was in the elementary school. Um the familiarity with learning gamorra um and most of all maturity. The more mature boys will deal with it better. The immature boys will have a harder time dealing with it. But I think the question has to be rephrased. what can we do to help them deal with the sh and the answer to that I would say is is two things um people ask me sometimes what did you do you turned on my boy he's so excited about learning I tell them I don't have any tricks there are no tricks but I would say there are two things um that I do to try to be mats that I should be and that they should be mats in ninth That is first of all I treat them as big boys. I don't talk down to them. I don't talk down to their level. My own children I never spoke baby talk even from day one. If you treat a boy as a big boy he rises to the challenge. >> So funny story about this recording that's my nth grade from his voice is is undeniable. So even if he tried to make an anonymous, everyone that voice, anyone who has had him knows it. So I I called him up a few nights ago to ask him if he if he would want to share his thoughts. It was like 9:30 at night. So I'm thinking to myself, it's before 10:00. Yeah, go. I don't like call too late at night. I'll stay. So he picks up the phone. I said, I gave him I told him idea. He's like, "Oh yeah, I'd be glad to help." He said, "When do you need it by?" I said, "You know what, Troy? Is it possible you could do it maybe sometime later tonight?" and he says, "Well, I'm currently in England, so it's three it's 3:00 in the morning. >> Why are you up?" Punked punked punked. But I hope that he this was done after that. Um, >> so so what did you take from it? >> So really what was saying and there are no tricks. That was basically his point. >> Treat boys like big boys and they'll act like big boys. You know, he said even for his own children from the time that they are little children, he talks them like big boys. But yes, it is a shock to go from elementary school to missa is is one of the biggest changes that anyone will ever go through. The the you especially if there's a base medish as part of your high school, right? You walk in and oh my gosh, you are not in Kansas anymore. And sometimes you just have to realize it's just about jumping in and and swimming. And my general opinion of kids and people is they're a lot more resilient than you think. People will step up to the plate if there's an expectation in a yeshiva. And of course talking about a mainstream yeshiva. Every yeshiva and every type of kid is different. But if there's an expectation in a yeshiva to act a certain way, then ruba duba, a super majority of kids will fall in line because they want to be good. They want to meet expectations >> and you know there there are no tricks. Yeah. Gamar rashi tes all of a sudden they come at the ninth grade and you know we could discuss their khib at a different time but there's a lot more maf and they're going to work really hard and some of them dorm and some of them come home once a week and some of them come once every two weeks and they have nights every night all of a sudden it's overwhelming. However, everyone does it. I don't know you have stories of of you know stories. I don't mean to lie. I'm not here to poo poo the transition of ninth graders, regular kids, healthy, h adjusted, you know, kids and well adjusted kids who go to missifa and all of a sudden because of the hard schedule two weeks in fall apart. The answer is no because everyone else is doing it. So I kind of just do it. Is that too boring? Is that >> good for 90% let's say? But there are definitely kids who struggle. But the question is, you know, okay, so by Khaneka, you know, by Hanukkah, a good massa will give the kid off at night a little or work with him or give him a little bikier. Find a way to make it work. Not everyone's able to do it, you know, right away. >> I remember when I switched to Shiva from Shar to South Falls. That was a pretty talk about a shock system. you know high school >> or I was in third year but still switching from 8th grade to 9th grade is nothing close to switching from and you're supposed to stay the whole man you goes and you come back after yum kiper and I just couldn't do it and I was in third I wasn't a little kid I just couldn't do it and I actually came back to shar for shabas you want to know why I left shar well they have a different time I wanted to go out of town I wanted to get pray and be more secluded. I thought it was great for me. And I came back and I went to my Rebi Spitz. I was in yeshiva for shi I can't do this, >> right? >> I mean, three weeks they're more yesish than me. They're better at me. They're learning. They're it's a different I can't do this. I want and he me and him discussed going. So, we thought it was a good idea for me. And he basically just smiled and he's like, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. And that was it. and was fine, right? So like look at that. So most of the time as a parent your son is switching to, you know, into high school. You're the one that needs a lot more kazuk than he does because he's not home and you are petrified and you are all your anxiety is coming out in your son um and your daughter. They'll be fine. They have a support group. They have friends which are incredibly powerful drive and you know and inspiration. And I don't mean to just like simplify so quickly and so simply, but they'll be fine, >> right? Beautiful. That's a that's a good message. I hate to leave that because I always feel like, but what if they're not? What if they're the kids that are not right? >> Then they'll go to Houston. >> I would love to take them to elementary school. They'd be welcome, but I I can't speak for the high school. >> May maybe that's a summary of our back to school >> episode special episode >> is they'll be fine. you know, we're here trying to to help parents get ready for the school year, but yes, there is that 10% that that will will struggle and those are the special ones. You know, I had a struggling camper. Of course, everything comes back to camp. And the mother was almost embarrassed that her son was struggling and and like she was embarrassed that I was dealing with her son in camp so much. And I texted the mother, "The easy kids are how we run camp. Kids like your son are why we run camp. And I feel it's that way in yeshiva also. The the 90% is how we run yeshiva. It's how we're able to just make a schedule and kids follow it. The 10% that take up 90% of our time. That's why we're in it. >> 100%. >> That's why that's where we that that's why we're in it. >> 100%. >> 100%. What a nice way to end off. We cannot wait to get back to our regular format and our schedule which will be after Sukus. Until then, you could always call us at 443686-9339. That's 443686-9339 with any questions or comments. We'd love to include them in the future broadcast. Or you can send an email to the learning curve.com. Rabbi a sure. A nice beginning to the year. Looking forward to seeing you after sukus.