Running after my kids in Korea - You can’t change people if you don’t know where they are.

A Torah Anytime original series. This past summer, I went with my wife and two kids to the country of Vietnam for 2 [music] weeks. An amazing place, fascinating people. We had a great time. And on the way back to America, there were no direct flights from Vietnam. [music] So, we had to stop in South Korea for about 24 hours. So, we land in Korea around 5:00 p.m. and By the time we get through customs and check into our hotel, it's about 6:00 p.m. Now, in my mind, the day is over. My kids usually go to sleep around 7:00. So, when [music] we start debating if we should go to a major tourist attraction 10 minutes away or should we just stay at the hotel, I said, "You know what? Let's be realistic. It's already 6:00. The kids are probably tired. The hotel has a fun room. We'll let them play for a bit and then they'll get exhausted and then we'll put them to bed." So, we go down to the fun room. Now, calling this room a fun room was like going over to a puddle and calling [music] it the Pacific Ocean. It was a regular hotel room that someone shoved two broken or arcade games into it and just called it a day. So, I'm thinking perfect. They'll poke around for 10 minutes. They'll crash and we'll put them to sleep. Except that's not what happened. 5 minutes go by, 10, 20. My kids are not slowing down. They're running all over the place. They're laughing. They're energized. They're fully alive. I'm standing [music] there thinking, "What in the world is going on? Why are these kids not tired even one iota?" I'm looking at my watch. It clearly says 6:45. Which little kids aren't zonked at this hour, especially after flying. I couldn't figure it out. And I'm just standing there watching my kids swing from the ceiling, [music] scratching my head. Suddenly, my wife looks at me and says, "Wait a minute. Is there a time difference between Vietnam and Korea? Ah, what an idiot. Of course, there's a time difference. [music] Local time, it was 6 PM, but for my kids, it was in the middle of the day. Of course, they weren't tired. I was trying to put kids to sleep 5 hours before their normal bedtime. So, we decided, we grabbed a taxi, we went to the tourist attraction nearby, [music] and it was perfect. They loved it. And when we got back 3 and 1/2 hours later, they happily went right to bed. That's when the lesson smacked me in the face. One of the biggest mistakes we make in is assuming everyone is on the same clock, that everyone is in the same time zone. Sometimes we're convinced a child is at 6:00 p.m. when in reality they're operating at 12:00 noon, and then we respond completely wrong. A kid is restless and energetic and unfocused, and we say, "Why can't you sit still? Why aren't you taking this seriously? Won't you just calm down already? But one second. Maybe he didn't sleep last night. Maybe his older brother gave him a gave him a can of Mountain Dew before school. Maybe his parents are going through something [music] and his head is nowhere near the classroom. Maybe emotionally and mentally he's [music] in Vietnam when you're in South Korea. Maybe he's still wide awake while you're talking bedtime. The kid isn't being defiant. He's not being rebellious. You're just speaking bedtime language to someone whose day is just getting started. You're feeding someone's supper before they even ate breakfast. That's not that's a timing problem. We do the same thing with teenagers all the time. We expect adult level emotional control from a brain that's still under construction. We expect foresight from someone who could barely see past next Tuesday. We expect consistency from a [music] person whose emotions change every 15 minutes. We say, "Think before you act and control yourself. Be responsible." And then when we're we're shocked when they can't. But maybe he snapped because he hasn't slept. Maybe she shut down because she's overwhelmed and doesn't have the words. Maybe that bad decision wasn't rebellion. It was panic. Maybe that apathy isn't laziness. It's confusion. They come home late and we call it irresponsibility. They shut their door and we call it disrespectful. they stop talking and we [music] call it attitude, but most of the time it's none of that. They're not broken. They're not lazy. They're just not there yet. We're demanding midnight behavior from someone who's still at 3:00 in the afternoon. [music] And when you punish someone for not acting like it's midnight, all you teach them is that they're misunderstood. That's not that's ignoring the clock. starts with [music] one brutally honest question. Where is this person holding right now? Not where should they be? Not where do I want them to be. Where are they right now emotionally, developmentally, mentally? You cannot possibly educate someone if you don't know what time it is for them. If you treat noon like midnight, you'll be angry and impatient and disappointed, and the child will feel misunderstood and labeled [music] and constantly behind. Great meen don't fight the clock. They read it. They don't crush energy. They redirect energy. They don't demand finishes. They build stages. They don't expect overnight change. They understand that growth is gradual. They understand that growth isn't a switch you flip. It's a process you guide. That night in Korea, nothing was wrong with my kids. The only thing wrong was my assumption. We thought it was bedtime. Turns out it was in the middle of the day. Once we adjusted our expectations, everything [music] worked. That is in a nutshell. Not forcing someone into your schedule, not punishing them for being off, but rather knowing which time zone each person is [music] in physically, emotionally, and mentally and showing up there with them. Because once you see their clock, once you feel their rhythm, you can guide them and channel their energy and help them grow the way they were meant to. So the next time a child or a teen or anyone seems off, don't rush, don't punish, don't force. Check their time zone first. And when you do, everything else will fall into place.