Rosh Hashanah: The Courage to Birth Yourself - The True Meaning of Judgement Day

I also want to say next week B they also be a class that's next Tuesday 9:30 it will be a yum Kipper class and then the Tuesday afterwards as well class okay today's class is dedicated graciously by ra poak ra poak with tremendous appreciation to the yeshiva.net for all your efforts to bringing us closer to Hashem thank you very very much and may you have an amazing year and thank you for your partnership thank you everybody for gracing us here with your presence I know it's a busy week so I'm appreciative that you're here we're going to take today one of the most famous ptim one of the most famous Poems Prayers that are said in all of the Jewish communities around the world on R and not once but a few times during the mus of daving in fact in most communities they even have a special Melody for this and you know at the surface we read these things we hear them we sing them they're nice words they're moving they stir the heart to one degree or another but often without taking the time and the energy one doesn't appreciate the full nuanced depth in so many of these prayers which were written and composed with tremendous precision meticulousness and spiritual depth and sensitivity we're going to take three words from this famous poem from this famous prayer everybody knows these words and when you unravel it you see that a whole new dimension comes to four comes to light you see it on top of your Source sheet usually the Melody I think in many of the asaz communities is sounds familiar okay others have other Melodies to it what are we saying and usually this is said right after the blowing of the Scher during the repetition of theid of mus the Scher is blowing during the section called Mal and after each set of blowing the congregation exclaims and it's in the and it's translated if you look in the English M and it's good sometimes to have an English one to understand the prayers cuz the Hebrew could be very uh sophisticated and and poetic and hard to understand so the translation will be today is the birthday of the world today is the birthday of the world today all of the creations of the world stand in judgment either we are like children or like servants Etc but this expression har anyone who's familiar with the tanak knows it wasn't born in a vacuum whoever composed this prayer and we don't know who composed it like a lot of the P that made it into the mo of many of them we know who wrote them but a lot of them they come from very very ancient times but we don't know exactly I don't think this author is known as far as I know unless there's some recent historical discovery that I'm unaware of but I don't think so I haven't heard of it but most of these poems use the tanak as a template because the tanak is the tanak it's it's you know called the Hebrew Bible God's word so this was a template the word har is also from the T it doesn't begin in the prayers of where in tanak is it it's in the sa the Prophet Jeremiah when you look at the source that's when things become tricky I should say exciting but really astounding and really perplexing we're going to go now to the source of har and then see if you were to write a prayer would have you used these words to describe rash and it's not such an easy read becausei as theal are sages tell us the word y comes from the word Mar mirus like M because Yu saw with his eyes the decline and the fall and the utter destruction and Devastation wrought on his people his beloved people during the destruction of the first bik by by the Babylonian Monarch present day Iraq and Iran and destroys theik was present he saw it all he lived at the time and uh he he wrote the famous book of a which we read on Tish book of Lamentations four chapters and there he puts in the words I am the man who sought I wasn't didn't read this I didn't hear it on the radio I didn't get a WhatsApp I've seen in the poverty I've seen the decline and he Mourns for his people for for that's but you have the whole say for your which is an incredible incredible book in the tan it's unfortunate we don't spend enough time learning and teaching tanak with the girls not a little bit the boys is they don't even know the Bible is a Jewish book but that's a separate subject the sa for y is a incredible incredible book but a lot of it is very very painful because y was a prophet to his people but instead of appreciating him or listening to him they actually tried to kill him and assassinate him and arrest him they put him in Quagmire and in quicksand he had to be saved again and again from literal from literal death now there was a debate between YY and The King The King and previous Kings had one view your was sharing another view and therefore they despise y y warned of the moral and spiritual and ethical decline of the Jewish people Yim then has surrendered to very very immoral Behavior and the same is true much of the land of Israel but yovi's uh statements his prophecies were not heeded to they fell on what you would call deaf ears and in fact right in the beginning when Hashem sends y as a prophet he said you got the wrong guy this is not this is not for me and throughout his life he Mourns he Grieves for what he sees and the fact that he's in the position of trying to lead and Inspire but to ears that don't listen to him at all one of the most uh dramatic and poignant and really I would say challenging or or difficult scenes in your is in chapter 20 and there he really wishes that he never lived and that he was never born and I put it here I I copied and paste some of the verses here CU I want you to get to feel because this is where the prayer comes from there's no other source in t for it it's here so whoever composed this prayer that we said in took it straight from here those the words here there it's not like words that are used often T it's one time in Jeremiah chapter 20 so take a look this is your he speaks you have it in the Hebrew the original you have the English if you want to follow in the English and he says and these are dark words cursed is the day in which I was born the day in which my mother gave birth to me shall not be blessed often we celebrate we like to celebrate birthdays happy birthday to you how old are you now we want a speech y says don't celebrate my birthday don't give me a birthday cake don't buy me no birthday party don't make me no birthday parties don't get sushi and don't light any candles this is a bad day it's a bad day for the world it's a cursed day the day I came out and then he goes further cursed is the man who brought the news to my father saying wow you have a new son you have a new benar making him happy making him glad making my father feel joyous and happy and thrilled that he has a baby but there was nothing to be happy about this was a curse shall be like the cities that the Lord overturned and did not repent and let them hear an outcry in the morning and a scream at noon time he's referring to why am I so upset at this person you know why he did not put me to death from the womb he did not kill me right there at the womb I wish that my mother would have been my grave and her womb would be the place where I would be eternally pregnant in other words what is y asking for he wanted to be a stillborn child which is his way of saying I really did not want to come into this world and listen to his words I wish my mother was my grave in other words this was the place where I died where I'm interred comes from the word is a womb right like the word raim which is also compassion the maral says that really a womb is the space where we hold the child I'm not going to preach about this to a woman's class I could talk about it you experienced it but we all understand that the idea of is from the word which is compassion because what is really compassion idea of compassion is holding space it's really becoming an emotional uterus to be able to hold space and you know it's not so easy it's not so easy to hold space because holding space means I don't mix in but I just hold space I'm present I'm fully present but that's what the that's what the fetus needs the fetus just needs that presence and holding space and it develops so that's the idea of real compassion of it's holding space it's seeing something it's being present without judgment without the need to have an opinion and that's not so easy especially for you know smart Jews so RMA is her womb haras how do we say pregnant in Hebrew right it always says became pregnant is pregnancy in Hebrew so har is pregnant means forever like forever so his words are if my mother could have been my grave her womb har could have been would have should have been the place where I remained pregnant forever now a child can't remain pregnant forever we know that the time is 9 months and then it's time for the baby to come out sometimes there's a premature baby but what does it mean har of course his point is that he would never come out because he would die there he would die in the re in the womb and he and he he concludes he says why did I have to come out of this womb only to see toil and grief that my days end with shame wow now you have to understand that yo is considered one of the greatest prophets in Jewish history this is a man of God y wasn't just the regular person who was suffering from depression and anxiety which no no person is regular but here you're talking about a person Hashem spoke to him in other words in a very manifested way he was an ambassador of God and I sometimes share this story with people because you know there's a lot of people that suffer from anxiety and there's people who actually feel that they would have not wanted to live they don't want to live and they usually use these words they don't know that Yi who's considered one of the greatest spiritual leaders and Mystics and Prophets and Men of God in je all Jewish history and some of the most powerful beautiful prophecies about Redemption and about the Future come from including R those famous words and then there's the voice heard remember your children will return to their border this is all was a prophet of Destruction but also of redemption like all the prophets and yet this is what he was struggling with so you could understand the depth of his soul and the depth of his struggle these are no these are no super these are these are no entertaining words these are real real real words because he was honest this is this is how he felt now he knew he had a mission hasem gave him that mission in fact in the opening chapter of Y which we read before the at the three weeks he tells hm I'm I'm not suitable for this me for this Mission andm tells him before I have formed you in your mother's womb I already knew you he says before you went into the I Sanctified you and in fact that's remarkably connected to this chapter because yo was talking about that he wanted to die in the womb but God says you didn't begin in the womb you originate pre the womb I have chosen you I have Sanctified you before and that's really the source of y's hope that all of the experiences that he's experiencing in life is part of a very very profound Journey that begins much earlier but now let's bring it back back to how do we translate I never saw an English which says today is the day of Eternal pregnancy in fact I don't think anybody would want to say that today is the day of Eternal that's a that's a still born so the composer of this of this text of this poem that we all sand it's good when we D we don't know the source of all the words cuz you know people's eyebrows would be raised is actually they translated the opposite they say today is the birthday of the world so look what they did they took haras which means pregnancy and turned it into birthday they took which means forever and turned it into the world because could mean two things could mean forever like eternity but is also the like me the world the universe is called so both words in the origin are metamorphosized in the daving of Rana again y says har he means pregnant we mean birthday he means forever pregnant forever we mean the world because today is the birthday of the world Rashana celebrates the anniversary of the creation of the universe particularly the sixth day of and the creation of Adam Anda the Crown Jewel of the universe the custodians of the world the ones created to complete the world to be co- partners with hasem to complete the world so that's what we're celebrating we're celebrating the anniversary of creation that's where sh so you might say it's poetic license what do they call it in English poetic license you you paraphrase but you're just using it you're using the words because they're they're Hebrew words from but it has nothing to do with the source but the truth is that the doesn't work that way there's a lot of precision it's not just okay I found two Hebrew words which mean the exact opposite and I'll just borrow them and use them here for the opposite meaning the fact that we use these words and this is how we def again and again three times during the of PR right after the blowing of the would seem to indicate that there's something very profound being conveyed here and it's exactly in this contrast that we can appreciate the message sometimes the question is the answer actually it's probably always that way in other words the question itself is what allows to appreciate the answer it's going deeper into the question it allows us to discover the answer in order to appreciate this let's go to another P that we say on R and as I said before in the we do this for the 10 days of all the way till every day we add a chapter in known as which is our chapter 130 of and it was specially put into the daving of those 10 days from and it starts off which literally means from the depths I call out to you Hashem listen to my voice may your ears be sensitive be uh attentive to my pleas to my prayers it's a very very moving it's a very short chapter in it's a very very moving one there's the line over there more than the guard look forward to the morning these are the night guards that have to stand all night and pitch dark and it's scary it's depressing so they're waiting for the you know for Sunrise it's like have a kid if you have a scared in your bedroom and you're waiting when is it going to be light you know and you won't have to run to Mommy's bed so he says my soul looks to God more than the night guards look out for the morning that's it's a very you know it's a very visceral experience of Hashem like the whole till the whole it's very visceral everything is real it's it's not abstract it's not you know intellectual it's you can feel it in the bones especially D's poems and songs into so there he has a amazing line which the ma here again we read it you know next move on I got to finish the hill but when you focus on it it's like what say that again please and this is a line we want to discuss so he says this is ver4 literal translation forgiveness is with you which means you forgive you're someone who forgives you know why you forgive in order that you should be feared the word comes from the word like right to fear or reverence fear is called like so he says you forgive forgiveness is with you Le man in order for the sake that you should be feared so all the com the commentators you have a famous comment called and others say I don't understand it's usually the opposite right if you want to be feared then you don't forgive you forgive when people if if I know somebody forgives it diminishes the fear it may even eliminate the fear imagine if you're I don't know applying for a new job it's a ser ious job serious responsibilities your resume was chosen from a few hundred a few thousand reses and somebody tells you listen I just want to tell you that the manager or the boss you know is very very meticulous they're mockit you know if you got to be there 8:45 and you come 8:47 you're going to get looks there's they say there was once a Jew and he was a procrastinator and he would always come late to the office always always and finally the boss lost it and he says I don't understand it's 10:00 why weren't you here 8:30 he says why something happened at 8:30 but generally sometimes people are very mock with so you say you know this person is extremely meticulous is extremely extremely harsh and they don't look they don't overlook anything okay now I'm going to you know now I'm going to be very careful but if you say you know what here's a fellow he forgives forgives forgives forgives it diminishes fear maybe it increases love maybe it increases calm but here he says for the sake of year that's why you forgive this means either we don't understand what forgiveness is as we don't understand what Y is or we need a deeper understanding of both but this is a portal to be able to go in deeper into this into this dimension the wow no it's even a it's it's it's it's even more than you think literally as I finished asking this question the answer that I'm going to be giving to this question comes from from the balat this is his niggan and I was as I finished thing I was thinking should I say this now or it needs an introduction that's why I paused and and this is the introduction the nigan of the AL whose explanation I'm going to share on I guess it's a sign that this is the time so the AL of leadi he had a grandson known as he has a commentary on called y and over there he says he brings this question which the commentators ask and he says I want to share something I heard from my grandfather the balat the Al and he says something really really beautiful and it's interesting that he also gives a very interesting metaphor that you wouldn't expect in the 1700s m a financial metaphor that would that would be very appropo for our times for Our Generation and it's his metaphor it's the bat's metaphor I'm just going to use the words that we use in English because he writes it in Hebrew briefly but the the metaphor is his says imagine there's a crash in the market and it affects everybody differently but particularly there's been a successful businessman a tycoon and he decided you know this happened actually 2008 2009 and he a lot of people suffered from but here's a particular scenario which was not just an abstract scenario this happened to quite a few people some one or two I even know personally this fellow decides you know he's been doing well it's time for a grand Titanic investment that would you know Elevate his financial status to a completely different level different world so he decides to buy property of course in one of the most expensive ZIP codes in the world Manhattan and uh he's going to build Condominiums there sell sell each one for a few million dollars and make a mint but in order to buy and in order to build he needs a insane amount of money but he has a good he has a good reput utation and he has gu you know he has he has Financial standing and he goes to one of the biggest banks and he takes out a loan for aund million which is going to be invested in the construction and in the development but of course everything will be sold he'll be able not only to pay back the loan and pay back the interest but also make a mint he has to pay every month an amount and the interest you can understand is crazy interest they're giving him such amount of money sh he buys the property he begins developing and then there's a crash a major major crash and he can't continue he doesn't have the customers he doesn't have the clients so he goes for a meeting with the bank manager this the balat giv him he doesn't give this example with Manhattan and the zip code of Manhattan but M so he goes for a meeting with the bang he wants to discuss the situation so the Balan says I want to ask you what you think he walks into the bank manager he sits down they look at each other and he says I know that next Tuesday I have to come up with the first payment of $250,000 you know interest principle but I have to tell you that I can't so the bank manager says I don't want to hear anything I want every penny back I want a 100 million dollar back and it's 30% interest and you're going to pay every month like every month exactly the full money and there's nothing to talk about that's it we're done finished can you cut the interest can we I don't want to hear anything you signed the contract I don't care about the crash I don't care if it's not your fault I want all the money back nothing is being forgiven so balatan says actually what is going to be the response of this person when he walks out of the office he's going to call his wife and say this guy is to m the guy is crazy it is so ridiculous that he actually starts laughing because okay let him sleap me to court and you know how court cases go they're going to go till 2055 of course everything he puts on his wife's name or on his mother-in-law's name they move to Florida wherever they move he does what he got to do and life moves on and they're still in court today you know 20 years later they're going to be in court till 2065 because he wants his $100 million with 30% interest it's like you know I'm going to ask you now to walk to the moon like fine thank you but the balatan says what happens if something else is a different scenario he walks into the bank manager and he looks at him and he says we have a crisis the man says I know and I'm so sorry and we all got to bite the bullet you know we're all in a mess well so the first thing is let's cut the interest completely let's cut the interest in terms of the loan I know we also have to cut it so let's cut a part of it now tell me what Arrangements work for you what Arrangements work for you that you'll be able to come to the table and in an amicable way we can figure something out that makes sense for you that makes sense for us without destroying both of us and I know that we both have to buy the bullet and we both have to compromise and we both have to say this was not our fault we did the best we can with the tools we had but God had a different plan drb says now he says now you walk out of the office now you got to be scared the first guy I'm a sugar that you just laugh it off okay well give me $200 million right now thank you take me to court there a second person he says cuz now I got to show up the reason I got to show up is because he came all the way so now for me not to show up for me to laugh it all for me to be dismissive he says that's already cruel that's already narcissistic that's already unfair fear so the balat says that's the meaning of the words beautiful interpretation ifem comes and says listen I want a blank check and I want you to pay off every single debt a person listen I can't have a relationship with you you're asking me for something that is completely beyond my means beyond my tools beyond my resources I'm a human being I'm not an angel so what does a person do you just let go you become dismissive of a relationship because it's completely not it's not possible and this sometimes happens you know you'll see it sometimes in schools when a child you know sometimes some children are very successful and they're very bright and they have the skills some children struggle in different ways they have different gifts so when you come to a child and you make him you make him feel that it's just going to be impossible you know you have a test tomorrow you have to know all the material and if you don't know it perfectly you're done what does a child do child walks out and I don't care about the school I never like the school they do care they do like it but they know that they're going to fail if they're going to fail so there's nothing I don't have to show up because I can't show up because I'm anyway going to be a colossal failure so you just dismiss the whole thing and you go find another way of living but when the child feels or the adult feels no no I'm here I want to make this work I want your success it's not about me getting getting back my debt I wanted to work for you as much as I wanted to work for me now there's a sense of awe there's a sense of reverence in a good way there's a sense of dread not dread in a bad way a sense of fear [Music] like I have to show up you know I got to be I have to be present I just heard there a lecturer in Israel there a friend of mine name is askanazi so he just shared in an article that he wrote he said he was in Yeshiva High School Yeshiva they call it in Israel in lud he had a teacher and he said the teacher just passed away a little while ago Rabbi seel was his name he just said a very moving story that he was not doing well he was really not doing well academically and not doing well socially and uh he was just waiting to finish the year you know so his parents don't get too upset and then move on and he said it was PES time and the teacher called him in and said that there's another few months left till the end of the year they finish I think Tish and they have B asman break a summer break and I want you should take a task on yourself I want you to learn the whole which is a big tracted 120 pages and I'm going to give you $300 I don't have the money he was a teacher an impoverished Israeli teacher because I'm going to go fundraise from affluent people I'm going to get you $300 to give you and uh RAB ashkanazi said when I heard this I'm like I knew what what a task it is and I was scared again I'm going to fail so I said I'm not interested leave me alone with these dreams I don't need you $300 leave me alone I'm not interested and he said the teacher instead of saying okay I tried looked at me the teacher said in Hebrew don't deceive yourself I know that you want to do it and I'll help you do it and the $300 is just an incentive you do want to do it and he said those words literally changed his life and he did it and he got the $300 which he was very excited about a young Israeli boy I don't know what it was 20 years ago getting his $300 and he said the reason I'm I can give classes or lectures today is a lecture in Israel is because of that line of the teacher so that's what the says if hem says I don't here these are the rules this is the Constitution you failed I need you to repent I need you to be perfect then there's no y then I can't have a relationship with you I can't have a I can't have reverence I can't respect I'm done but because there is forgiveness with you therefore now there's a sense of or because a sense of responsibility I want to make this work for you it's your success it's your life it's your future this brings us into a larger reflection on Rashana one of the I hear this a lot from people and it's very understandable a lot of people go into R this time of the year with a lot a lot of anxiety um and there's a reason for it it's the way many people were raised it's our own inner messages it's what we read it's what we hear it's what we see and especially you know some people tell me that they don't even it's hard for them to go to SCH it's hard for them to say certain prayers they have certain triggers now there are people that have really had negative experiences in their home or family or school or community so they're really triggered this time of the year but even people who did not they're just a general sense of dread that befalls a lot a lot of people especially when it comes to the section of in the prayers of and that prayer which we say everybody knows it's a very very intense reflection oner and it speaks about the fact that this day is it's an awesome day and even the are trembling everybody in the world they pass in front of you like sheep I mean it's beautiful words but people really get very anxious from It Like a Shepherd is examining his flock and each sheep goes under the the the hand the scepter of the shepherd the same is true we go kavis you count and you reckon and you look and you examine every single one of your people and really every single one of your creatures everyone in this world if you actually hear the words they're actually very loving words but like everything it needs context but the next paragraph written is the signing how many will pass how many will be born back to's request that he never wanted to be born who shall live who shall God and then we goes through the whole list Etc until the end where it goes you know me me who's going to have a peaceful year who will have a a diff more challenging year who will be poor who will be wealthy who will be ity and stability and who will be shaken up and finally who will be humbled who will be elated and elevated and then the congregation screams out of tense words and uh you could see a lot of people crying during that prayer or exactly makes sense right it makes sense and we understand right we don't only understand we feel and some people though they look at it and their their hearts are filled with such uh negativity or anxiety or Despair and I want to say a few words about it because I think that and the words are very authentic it doesn't take away the context or the meaning or the literal meaning but it just puts it in a perspective that I think is very very important especially in our generation generally the word y the day of judgment is something that is very hard for people in 20240 here if I tell you come I want to talk to you because I want to judge you who in the world wants to be judged I don't want to be judged I assume you don't want to be judged don't judge me you somebody wants to give me love I'm good you want to give me a compliment fine you want to give me constructive criticism I'll take it I'll deal with it I'll go to therapy afterwards but you when going to sit and judge me I don't nobody wants to be judged the word judgment the day of judgment is very hard for people especially somebody who felt judged their whole life and they're still feeling judged and they're being judged by everybody and they're judging themselves like I don't need God to judge me I judge myself 24/7 my mental chatter doesn't stop and this is the story of Our Generation where people's mental people judge themselves OMG like like July 4th May 4th it's always especially Jewish Mothers oh my god when do you stop judging yourself and then we look at each child and you judge yourself again and then you look at the you judge yourself again and what if and what if and what if and what if I would knowing this and what if I would knowing this people judge themselves nonstop so now when they hear now God is judging me it's like please but I think we need to recontextualize what real judgment means the word judgment stirs up traumatic or at least difficult emotions for many people but what if I would tell you something differently what if we could re reinterpret it and this comes back to the what if I tell you two things you know you're going to sit down with somebody who's going to judge you but I want to explain to you what that means the person is going to judge you two things first of all this is somebody who knows everything about you that means they know every struggle they know every wound they know every trauma they know everything that transpired in your life from the moment you took your first breath not only that they know everything that transpired in your life from the moment you were conceived in this womb that talks about they actually know your soul from preconception every thought every word every emotion every occurrence when you were 1 2 3 4 5 six all the way up the good what do they say the good the bad the ugly the difficult the challenging the enthralling the painful the traumatic the blessings the gifts the stumbling blocks the failures the mistakes and most importantly they even know about the pain that you may not know about because it's subconscious even the pain the wounds that maybe I had to repress I had to suppress I don't even know what I'm dealing with but they know that too that's number one quality number one quality number two this person you're going to be talking to who's going to be judging you not only knows everything but also loves you infinitely they're like crazy about you you're like the love of their life and they can get enough of you how do I know they can't get enough of you because they basically ask to be with you 247 and that you should never ever let them go so that's pretty intense not only they love you like crazy they want your success they want your success and not just superficial success but the greatest success conceivable from the highest standards of reality and that's what they want to see so they know everything including things that nobody else in the world knows cuz maybe even the person themselves don't know and maybe things that I can't even trust TR I don't I don't know if I could trust anybody with that vulnerable information they know that too they know every single scar physical emotional psychological spiritual on every level in the body in the soul and the mind and the heart and the nervous system but they also want your unbelievable success and you have an opportunity to actually have a conversation and be judged I would say Bring It On that judgment I don't know anybody wouldn't like if you could sit with somebody who knows everything and loves you and there's a there's a there's a a yish expression in Hebrew they call in yish it's a little better to what's fagin fagin means you're a nice person you don't mind when other people are successful but how much do I really celebrate somebody else's success but it doesn't affect me but what if you have this person who's judging you not only forgin this is their entire celebration for you to be successful it's like we say in you know see what's above you know what's above you an eye that sees an ear that hears and all your Deeds are written down in a book and somebody once told me I can't deal with this mishna stop writing down everything I I do leave me alone leave me alone I just want to sit on the couch and sip an IC coffee and watch your Clips I'm like thank you or other Clips I don't know if it's my Clips I don't don't stop writing down I said you don't you don't understand the mishna you just don't understand the mishna it's the exact so a mother you remember when your first baby was born after a few kids already there's no time for this but you remember when the first baby was born you had a notebook you remember and every milestone you wrote down a few pages yeah till which baby did you do it okay till you started your organization after every few after every Milestone right he turned over wow wow wow and it goes down and how the first smile of course the first walk the cutest statements made by this two years old and there's a whole notebook usually baby two it continues maybe a little bit and then at some point uh [Laughter] huh it's like if he'll hire me three cleaning ladies and a chef and somebody to take care of the house I'll go back to my scrapbook writing about every Miler now when that mother is looking at wow look at that SM he so cute writes it down do you dread that do you think that's horrible no that's the sign of attachment that's what it means love him we have that mother it's called the it's like wow wow wow look look wow that was a difficult thought to conquer wow that was an emotion that was difficult to confront my son showed me that the B once said that sometimes the whole is dealing with one like fascin sometimes the whole is dealing with one thought nobody would know about it but God knows about it CU it's all internal but sometimes that's what a whole is dealing with one one thought that is like a worm eating up on me eating up on my relationships and really dealing with it whether holding space for it breathing into it letting it pass shifting compassionately my attention understanding that these thoughts may be coming from a intense coping mechanism as my wife explains in her Tanya classes and really with compassion understanding that these thoughts don't reflect all of reality the totality and sometimes that's and Only Heaven knows how intense that can be how much Consciousness and love is there so yeah he's writing it down it's not a policeman you know giving you a ticket you know you were caught on forche going 39 instead of 30 well that would work but 46 instead of 35 and you're done so it's like God is giving tickets all day oh you went too fast you went too slow you went too fast you went went too slow somebody once said that in Manhattan things are so stressful they got a a a they got a a what what did he say I forgot oh they were going 50 miles per hours they got a ticket for double parking so you know like the serenity prayer today you know God please give it to me and give it to me now right now that's the prayer for patience I need patience and I need patience right now that's if I could sit with somebody who judges me on that level they could look into my heart and see everything see my greatness but also see my blind spots see my potential and power but also see my wounds see my soul but also see all my coping mechanisms and survival instincts see my power but also see all my blockages see it all and someone who wants my deepest success and say now let's take a reckoning of your life till now and see what can happen over the next year that's what the day of judgment means in Judaism it's an intense day but it's not an anxious day it's an amazing day it's a gift it's intense but intensity is not evil intensity is it's serious it's powerful but it's serious because it's loving and that's really what year is that's what the man you want to be feared why why do you want to be feared you want to be loved what does really fear what does Fear really mean what it really means is when you know that somebody loves you like crazy and they really really care about you with every fiber of their being it's scary if you know what I mean it's scary in a very powerful way it's like in many ways disassociation Detachment is safe I don't care about you you don't care about me when somebody is really invested in you with their Essence it's like wow it's it's it's very very vulnerable it's the most vulnerable thing in the world because I can't be in my own Kakuna anymore I can't be detached I can't be indifferent the whole idea of rash is God is infinite perfect why did he create this world like who needs this headache like what exactly is so exciting to you about Lebanon or anywhere else in the world and somehow in his mysterious Infinite Wisdom it's like I want a relationship with you and I'm ready to put everything on the line I am infinite goodness infinite wholeness infinite Perfection infinite compassion infinite Bliss and I'm ready to put everything on the line to be able to share with you to have a relationship with you that's that's a very very very intense and overwhelming experience when I feel it with my bones if it's intellectual ual it's not but if I Feel It In My Bones it's extremely extremely intense is the it's the reverence it's awesome it's like it's awesome that's but there's something else about and that's the third piece of information here and that is I want you to know who's responsible for everything that's going to happen throughout the year one of the methods one of the skills one of the things in life it's very easy and we do it and it's a very normal thing to blame people for my story and there's a reason for it because people are the agents things happen through people perpetrators willingly or unwillingly often clueless out for lunch and for dinner and for breakfast and it's very easy to live in that stuck place of a lot of anger and a lot of resentment and it also makes sense it's a very human emotion especially way that can identify and point fingers to blame and we shouldn't it's not about judging negative judging this this negative judging meaning it's not about judging it's about understanding with empathy why I would have that instinct but then there's also understanding something even deeper and that's what n is saying everything that's going to happen to you throughout the year God says I'm responsible for it I'm really really responsible it but there's good news in that the good news is I'm in love with you I want your success so you may be experiencing a very painful and challenging reality but now I want to ask you to go deeper deeper inside and really find your deepest relationship your deepest connection and your deepest power now this must be done with caution because we often override emotions we Gaslight oursel we Stonewall ourself we call it spiritual or emotional bypassing when somebody just says everything is perfect everything is good everything is impeccable everything is Flawless and we're not respectful of a lot of pain or grief that we may be holding so the is the idea who is judging you for the next year and for the last year the one who knows everything but that means he knows every pain that you know and you and I know very well how guilty most people are for their mistakes when most of them come from crazy coping mechanism Ms that they developed so early on it's even hard to find that that place of choice in fact most of our choice we only get when we're emotionally healthy when you have a kid who developed survival mechanisms and then becomes an addict at 14 to crazy stuff because of what happened to him and I know a lot of these kids and then at 25 they're blaming themselves that their biggest and they're not going to get because they have this this thing and this thing and I'm like you didn't even have Choice For Heaven's Sake you were molested at 6 years old when your hormones develop you were doomed and if I understand that you think God doesn't understand that I ain't God I'm no God I understand it I don't judge you you think God judges you you need to have compassion and when you have compassion you can actually have choice because when you have compassion you start blaming yourself you can start seeing wow these are coping mechanisms this is what I needed to do because of these horrible beliefs that I had about myself and if I can heal I could see that I can hold space for it like a womb ra now I can start making choices this is the type of judgment that we love that We crave that we yearn for these are the best friends you can ask for in the life this is a dream marriage this is a dream relationship this is a dream therapist this is a dream friend this is a dream Confidant don't look at me and just say wow RAB your ti is amazing okay my wife bought it it's nice yeah but to be able to really see everything I I want to see and hold space for everything and and and judge from that place it's not even judgment in the sense like I judge you like you're guilty we hear judgment it's more like examining scrutinizing taking a reckoning making a looking at everything and seeing and now let's make a plan for the next year that will be the most amazing opportunity for you to shine in every conceivable way and become the person you're supposed to become and some of you may be thinking and saying Rabbi whywe this is romantic but you don't know about my life that's true I don't but Hashem does so saying you know I could blame this one I can blame you could blame world events and it's all true there are world events and there are crazy people in this world if you haven't figured it out but n is saying ultimately I am responsible you're under my cure and I'm crazy about you I love you and that's where the judgment is coming from and that's why I want us to work for you so now now there's ah now we can appreciate you see now we can appreciate the words they were written with such meticulous Precision I asked the questioni says I wish I was eternally pregnant and here we saying it's the birthday of the world why use these I don't want to say but they're very depressing words why is this but actually the composer of this wanted us to meditate exactly on this and what basically what he's saying is that R I have a gift of making a choice today is har what does that mean the English ruins it because it gives us a translation now I'm not blaming them they have to give an English translation but the Hebrew is so important because the fact that one word lends itself to two paradoxical interpretations means that both interpretations are relevant that's always the problem of translations translations take a meaning and they put it into words and that's what it is but in the Hebrew it's not it's very fluid it's very nuanced it's multi-dimensional what does it mean I know you're but it's not what you mean it means two opposite things exactly today is har it can mean two things it can mean as follows today is the day in which I will continue to remain eternally pregnant today is the day of the birthday of the world which one is it the answer what's the answer your you decide it's both I decide I need to decide if I'm going to be born I I have to make that decision and it's a decision that can be made intellectually only because so many of our reactions to quote my wife again it's not philos it's not psychology that's blocking me it's biology that's blocking me sometimes philosophy blocks me sometimes psychology blocks me and it's important but sometimes biology blocks me my nervous system is not going to let this happen I am so triggered I am so overwhelmed literally body reactions that we have very little Choice over until we actually become aware of them and we process them cuz the body has an amazing mechanism of processing so is not an intellectual question intellectually I could say yeah I'm going to be born you know at every commencement address of the universities right these billionaires get up and say follow your heart follow your dreams right it's like everybody's applauding that make a mark on the world because you can do whatever you want and it sounds amazing and you're inspired and then you come home and your teenager says something and you're so triggered and like oh whoa but that's where the work is that's where the your husband says something you're triggered your mother says something you're triggered you say something and you're triggered that's even more common called triggered from ourselves judging judging judging so it's really an openness to be able to look where am I remaining eternally pregnant will I remain eternally pregnant they tell a story about Berlin he was the rashin in Lithuania he was one of the greatest sages of his time he passed away in the late 1800s and 1890s know as the Berlin he was the rabbi and Riva ofin which is a small City in Lithuania had a big Yeshiva for many years until it was closed in any case so once he gave up one of his far he wrote a lot of books very beautiful so he once once at the celebration of the publication of one of his he told the following story he says that when he was a child he didn't do well in in school and you know in those days you learned for a few years and at B Mitzvah you went to work you went to work and you got a successful job in the and only few few boys who really excelled academically they remained and they would become the future rabbis or rashash shivas but it was a very select group it's not like today right like good luck you know but then it was like most most the kids went to get a job but you became an apprentice he became a carpent wasn't doing well academically they called him is called so he says he was sleeping One Night in his bed but he was up and his father was talking to his mother his father tells his mother unfortunately it doesn't look like this is the life he's not going to be successful in learning so tomorrow I'm taking him as an apprentice to a carpenter because he's good with his hands and he'll become a good Carpenter mother says it's a good idea you know why should he feel like a failure try again and again it's not working said he heard this he hears this in bed so he comes out and he tells his father give me one more day one more day before you take me to the carpenter so he said why do you have to waste your time you don't it's not embarrassing to be a carpenter it's a beautiful thing he said I no but give me one more day the next day the teacher is like where did this kid come from he's brilliant and he became literally one of the great rabbis over the century he's known as the NV so he told his students what happened that night he said say what happened that night is I knew I'll become a carpenter and I'll do well I'm good with my hands I could build he said when I would come to Heaven you know God asks everybody to show what they did for a living especially men you know what were you doing all day so I would show him I would tell him I'm a carpenter so God said let me see let me so I would show them you know Ares theend the table the chairs out it's beautiful the beams everything I built said wow that's amazing you're an amazing K but I have a question where is your hame D ham is the commentary he wrote on where is your another commentary he wrote ones where is your imer that's his commentary where is y it's his commentary on AER called he would ask me where all these books are I wouldn't have what to say so that's why I told my father give me one more day he understood that he was pregnant something was pregnant inside of him so somebody told me that there was a not long ago and he was talking to his students and today you know everyone stays after about mitz some people stay for 10 years 20 years this where she was not impressed with the diligence of these students so he told them the story and he said I want to tell you what's going to happen when you come to heaven when you come to Heaven God is going to ask you what did you do your whole life you say we learned whena K God said really wow interesting nice but I have a question where's dender where's Dar Kesh where's the table where's the bench that doesn't happen this is his way of I guess rebuking or uh lovingly chastising his students is a very very profound question I have to decide will it be the year in which I remain eternally Pregnant full of potential and the reason is because I die emotionally in utero or will I at last have the courage to be able to be born to emerge that profound question is exactly what the composer of the F wants the person to reflect on and in this situ in in in this sense I then need to be able to appreciate deeply what is it that holds me back what are the narratives what are the instincts what are the survival mechanisms that hold me back in a way being eternally pregnant emotionally speaking is a very safe place I'm covered I'm eclipsed nobody sees me I don't come out I don't make trouble I'm not judged I don't take responsibility my mother takes all the responsibility there was a good friend he he once shared with me something very deep he went on a had a very difficult childhood in many many ways and he went on a journey of healing that was very deep and he had unbelievable awareness about his life but he still remained stuck in so many ways then he told me that a mentor of his told him once and said very profound words he said what would you be if you let go of your pain what would you be if you let go of your shame what would you be if you let go of your blame what would you be if you let go of all the stories and he said I can't I'm just going to be like a dull human being now I have so much depth and richness and sophistication and I carry pain and in fact the pain that I carry is the only witness that I have to all the dysfunction if I let go of that who's going to be the witness I don't have witnesses sometimes and it's true pain is the witness the pain I have the anxiety I have as the witness I don't want to let go of the witness I don't want to get rid of the witness and that's very very understandable but sometimes that witness is crippling me because it's not just a story that sits in my memory and as a witness but the witness becomes me this becomes my story this becomes my experience and the fact that somebody else could continue to wreak such havoc in my life really means that I haven't found the child inside of me that needs to be born when I'm pregnant my mother lives for me I need to use my mother's oxygen I need to use my mother's nutrients I have no choice being born means I have to say no I God is giving me my oxygen I need my own food it's my nutrients that's a very profound metamorphosis that's really saying and it's it's very hard even in a marriage my husband my wife can't fill my void my soul is the only thing that can fill my void because my soul is a in a good marriage my spouse can help and expand it and it's a tremendous cherry on the cake and an icing on the cake but to expect the other person to live me to give me my inner inner soul my inner heart I want to be born today the B was once sitting in his SCH in measur Bush in Ukraine and he was learning with his students and it was a very rainy day in Ukraine what else is new and a Wagoner a gentile a Ukrainian Wagoner his wagon got stuck in a ditch in the mud and he needed help so he put his head through the window and measure Bush they open the window of the door and he asks the students if they could come out and help him slep out the wagon now they were sitting in the presence of the B who wants to leave nobody wants to leave so one of them tells him what we would expect well I guess what we would say till today right I can't I can't I can't I can't so the guy with passion this Ukrainian J gives a scream and still say it over 300 years later with exact Russian expression they still know it he gives a scream it left he said you can you just don't want to you can you just don't want to and sudden the bm's face starts beaming and he says you just heard the most important lesson in your life this is the highlight of the day what was he saying what was he saying is very often I blame the fact I have no potential I can't but that's not the case I have to be able to find my desire and finding desire could be hard because what if I developed a coping mechanism not to have desire remember to have desire makes me vulnerable because if I have desire I can have rejection if I don't have desire nobody could reject me you know anybody experiences here a feeling of blaess ever you just feel blah yeah it's a very common feeling blah you're not angry you're not resentful you're not depressed you're not even you right usually I know it's a good time to eat usually or that's when we're on the phone for a few hour just blah it's it doesn't sound like it's too negative I'm not harming anybody I'm not gossiping I'm not destroying I'm just blah right but the truth is I've learned this from my life because I had this a lot I would just get blah for hours it's one of the most sophisticated tools of the Yar which is a coping mechanism because blah is really a defensive system it's a defensive system against feeling it's a defens system it's hiding something the blondness is hiding something and I would give my hunches at least in many cases that the blondness is coming it's protecting a wound that is very very very deep and it's a wound that's connected with desire it's a wound that's connected with love because if I had strong desire for had strong love and it wasn't reciprocated the best defense mechanism is oh the moment I'm feeling I'm alive there's a l there's intensity and then I need reciprocity it's being alive so the sense of blot it's a form of deadness so the B says listen to him it's not my potential that's not lacking it's desire but desire is there a person desires a person loves a person is alive the soul is alive God is alive the soul is alive but when I'm scared of that life I say oh I don't want anything you know sometimes you meet a teenager you want anything no nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing I don't want anything if I don't want anything nobody can ever disappoint me I'll never get hurt again means that I'm really ready to show up in my relationship with myself in my relationship with my with Hashem in my relationship with my authenticity in my relationship with all the parts of me as a mature adult sitting in the driver's seat so these words are so meticulously composed in order to explain this contrast and that's why the is really saying when I talk about judgment I want you to be born of course you could remain in blockages and we'll never judge and we'll hold space and we'll have empathy but if I could hold the vision of who you really are and that's what a great mentor is that's what a great leader is that's what a great friend is I hold space with compassion for what is but I never let go of the vision of what can be I look at this fetus and I know that this fetus is destined to emerge and bring an infinite light to the world I hold space that's reim you always have to hold space if not and you say come get out of the womb you loser fetus is going to die the fetus needs that time I need that space I need that compassion that's the mother's re and then in the right moment there is and I'm not going to talk about it here the Pains of Labor that are the one of the most excruciating things in the world the only thing that they say is equal to it as kidney stones which I had and therefore I could talk about labor pains cuz I had kidney Stone and the nurse said this is actually your kidney stones are worse than labor pains so I could Mish talk about it and I was stuck in for a month whatever till the ambulance came took two hours it's not like mon witha you know so it was two hours thinking I'm going to die but that moment it's it's it's it's not thinking it's breathing into a moment where I know I'm capable of harass of giving birth to something and the same is true emotionally all of these things they're they're they're stored up in a lot of pain have to be able to breathe and breathe and give birth to it and sometimes there's Twins and triplets huh quadruplets masl really wow wow she gave birth to quadruplets on rashash so haras is quite literal this class was quite literal I didn't realize wow okay Happ married now here there's one last point that I feel is important to make especially for this Rashana exists individually but we say it as a community because it also exists collectively when we say it exists collectively it means it's true about the Jewish people too the Jewish people can remain pregnant the Jewish people can be born one of the most painful things is when a people does not know it's power when it know when it doesn't know what that Ukrainian Gentile told the B student Ms you can you just don't know that you can you don't want you don't have you don't know what's inside of you if you would know what's inside of you and you would find the desire for it it's all there and I think that this is so appr propo and relevant as we go into rashash 5785 five because and it's painful for the last 12 months the Jewish people have been walking around like zombies or at least so many of us and for good reason so much pain so much grief so much horror that still continues for so many so much Bloodshed so many young beautiful soldiers dead 1200 Jews slain on on October 7th 2023 all the hostages languishing in the Kamas tunnels so much horror so much pain and instead of a world showing empathy to Israel and the Jewish people all they could display is hatred and condemnation to a tiny Nation trying to survive and protect themselves from an existential threat as the year comes to an end 5784 comes to an end and I would say in many ways it was the most painful year in Jewish history since the Holocaust because October 7th was a day in which more Jews were killed in one day since the Holocaust not just killed but tortured brutally sadistically violated burnt Etc complete families complete communities with all that pain at the end of the year we ought to open our hearts to the fact that we have just seen incredible incredible Miracles and after a year of such horror and such pain and so many prayers and so many tears shed by everybody including by all all of you sitting here in this room and and probably there's no family in Israel that wasn't affected by it in one form or another to be able to see such a moment of Grace is incredibly powerful to see the videos of Jews dancing in the streets of Yim or t aiv or other towns and Villages this past Sunday was really just so heart stirring and moving in the contrast to all of the shock and dismay and and tears and grief that they were crying and sobbing all year and I just want to make a mention of some of these Miracles CU it's easy to forget you know we remember the bad news and it's important we also have to remember the good news okay there was a big shift that happened it was the fifth of Nissen Iran sent m shabas midnight more than 300 ballistic missiles cruise missiles drones simultaneously to Israel with the intent of paralyzing the defense systems and murdering ran tens of thousands of Jews 99% of them were intercepted outside of the airs space of Israel a few of them did fall in Israel o bin girl an Israeli bin girl was wounded statistically that that should happen and it came from Iran that's far away is is it's incredible it was it was simply a miracle a few weeks later the president of Iran Abraham RI who planned all of this suddenly was killed in a helicopter crash together with seven of his closest allies this was in May who knows what else he was planning against the Jewish people in July isal henya the political leader of Hamas went to Iran for the inauguration of the new president and 2:00 in the morning as he was resting nicely in his residence a bomb went off it was probably hidden there for months and this Arch terrorist the political leader of Hamas was killed September 17 17 was the spectacular explosion of all the beepers all the pagers 3,000 kisala monsters were wounded this was when the planning for years the technological prowess was beyond incredible I mean it stunned the world World 3,000 terrorists from their beepers on their bodies exploded in their faces you know and the jokes went around that President Abbas called one of the kbal operatives and he says I got to talk to you seriously about destroying Israel he says president Abbas I can't talk I got no head and then I saw there was another joke somebody sent me a guy Howard Levy he's a Jew in northern Michigan he says I'm a private Jew I live alone outside of a community I like my privacy my confidentiality nobody knows about me I write my books says but a few days ago he was writing this seriously on Instagram or Twitter somebody sent to me a few days ago kabad Rabbi discovered me and he came driving 20 minutes from where he lives Rings my bell and gives me a honey cake for rash and asks me how my book is doing so somebody responded they said we have two organizations we have the mosad and we have kabad the mosad the mosad finds them kabad finds us this is what the woman wrote so somebody else wrote that's probably how the mosad found nr's bunker they told theab Rabbi that he's Jewish and but these are good good good good je good Jewish humor because kbal didn't have their beepers and pagers they had to meet in person so a few days later the top leadership of kbal met plan the next October 7th from the north they wanted to do the same thing but much more lethal much more impressive much more powerful they they're are real great they're really trained Army for so many years and they were eliminated in an Israeli strike at the moment and then of course the next few days Israel eliminated much of the weapons ofala on the border facing Israel targeting Israel many of them in homes but then came the greatest piece of news the greatest shano and that was last Friday night Friday after noon September 27th when the IDF went and Unleashed eight bombs on the bunker of the H of this generation for 32 years LED a man responsible for the torture and death of thousands and thousands of people Americans Jews and other innocent people 32 years he was leading kbal literally a Hitler and he was in the bunker and he was eliminated right before shabas this was moments before shabas which is which is actually the birthday of the world and the first thing God said when he created the world on the first day was let there be light and there was light and indeed as the women in Israel and all over the world light lit chabas candles there was light because the ear in the world became more pure with the elimination of nasrala and this Arch terrorist and then a day later Israel took over the the Beirut the airport they they tuned into the to the detection system and a plane from Iran was coming with weapons and they warned them to go back and they went back they didn't land on asala all of these things need to be mentioned because after a year of such pain these are incredible incredible Miracles and you could feel the Jewish Spirit soaring again especially in Israel people walking with with with a a raised posture and then I thought to myself what happened the mosad could find Nala in a bunker and kill him yeah their Air Force could go into Lebanon and take out the highest chain command land ofala they can have 3,000 beepers explode in Lebanon not in their territory they can have henya killed in Iran and and on Sim October 7th last year there were Hamas operatives on their border coming with motorcycles and pickup trucks and bicycles and a whole day they were torturing and murdering and there was no air force and Israel completely was caught off guard and didn't respond for much of the day and such a destruction happened like how do you explain the contrast the answer I believe is profoundly clear it's what the Ukrainian Gentiles said in the B you can but you have to want to sadly for many years the spirit of much of the leadership of Israel and the Jewish people was very very paralyzed we were ashamed of ourselves we didn't know who we are we didn't know our power we didn't know our potential we're trying to get validation from the world we were trying to please everybody it was the Mantra of Churchill appeasement is feeding the crocodile in the hope that he will eat you last that's what appeasement is we didn't believe our enemy we were busy doubting ourselves we forgot why we even came back to our we compromised our security we allowed our enemies to take control of our security we SE the territory we lived in illusions of a new Middle East thinking everybody wants peace like the Jews when you have people that want every single Jew dead they would a mind the 14 million Jews are in ovens said we'll do it again and again and again the Jewish people had all the potential all the capability God has given us miracles in our generation but the resolve was not there the clarity wasn't there the desire wasn't there we were stuck in a paradigm of paralysis the potential wasn't lacking suddenly after a year of such pain I believe many Jews woke up they started to feel their heartbeat from living in Eternal pregnancy dying in UD Udo they realized you're dealing with a world that wants your leadership that needs your unwavering conviction and they were born I can only hope and pray that this lasts and lasts and lasts and doesn't dissipate and you could see the result you could see suddenly Jews realized we weren't made to live as wimps we're supposed to be Lions not mice but Lions leaders beacons of morality teachers of morality teaching the world between right and wrong and you know what happens the world loves it everybody's now congratulating Israel a whole year they're condemning Israel now they're applauding Israel congratulating Israel because they respect Jews who respect Judaism who respect their Heritage their faith their moral leadership the birthday of the world the birthday of the Jewish people the birthday of individually and collectively of a Nation being reborn is something everybody cherishes the world actually loves it they like it they know it's the right thing they know that the evil monsters have to be eliminated you can't make make peace with Nazis you couldn't make peace with Hitler you can't make peace with Nazis you make peace through strength not through weakness because when you make peace through weakness you have no peace you get cut up piece by piece if you don't have you're not gonna have peace so that's Collective and I think at such a moment we have to sayk and thank the Jewish soul for for experiencing the ability to know that not only you can you can but you want and when you want you see how much you can you see how much doesn't mean there's no obstacles it doesn't mean I have no blockages but it means that I can find incredible incredible resources inside of me May this indeed be a where each of us are born with our full Splendor and our full potential and I want to take the opportunity of wishing every single one of you a good your most amazing year yet with success happiness prosperity joy Serenity on all levels mayem fulfill all of your heart's desires and thank you for being part of our journey together throughout the Year and may this year indeed be a year of true Joy true Victory and a year of the ultimate and complete Redemption with thank you for coming thank you beautiful saying beautiful I shattered my head what Happ October 7 really has didn't want wanted them to fail right that's why it doesn't make sense everything is from hasem there's no question but we also have to learn from how things happen you know you know I was I Mar some s so we always P like this mentality of you know like don't defend yourself it's not listen I understand that when people are educated that Jews are not how to defend themselves it's very hard but according to even outside of if non-jews come come to attack it's a Mitzvah to beab if it would happen in Williamsburg or Monroe or B park it would be Mitzvah to create an army and fight so suddenly suddenly here you allow to allow Jews to die and everything it's a Mitzvah even you have to now the fact that the fact that the fact that this is connected you know to Jews who sometimes their behavior can be enhanced yeah that's true really are not so clear yeah yeah listen yeah