Rosh Hashanah and recovery from trauma

that's uh the last shabbos of the year of 5781 and i wanted to share a few thoughts with the alumni a fresh start this year this past year has obviously been [Music] a meaningful one an eventful one if you've gone through a healing journey like like all of you have and i just wanted to [Music] give you some reflections to ponder in the days leading up to rosh hashanah and perhaps even to think about during rosh hashanah when you're in shul or if you're not in shul or however you spend your rosh hashanah but uh here are some things to to reflect upon we know that we know today the way we experienced our relationship with our parents creates the parameters for how we experience our relationship with hashem so no matter what my parents told me about hashem that was not as deeply ingrained as what i learned or i inferred about hashem based on my relationship with my parents and as a rabbi i see this firsthand very very clearly where i can speak to somebody i can show them what it says in the holy books i can quote to them chapter and verse and they can even say it back to me and understand it intellectually with words but other beliefs negative beliefs were already ingrained at a level that's so much deeper than words so it occurred to me that you know if it if it didn't go in with words it's not that somebody sat you down as a child and said you can't rely on god god is great but not not to you you know you're you're worthy of punishment and he'll always let you down because that's about all you deserve nobody told you those words i mean maybe somebody did but in general nobody said those words in fact they might have said the exact opposite their messaging their verbal messaging could have been the exact opposite but through the relationship through what you came to expect as far as the reliability and the safety in your environment with your primary caretakers as a child excuse me you got a very different message about the degree to which you can rely on hashem so those messages didn't go in through words they're not going to be taken out their words so i'm which is ironic because i'm sitting here i'm the rabbi i'm recording this message i'm speaking so what do i think i'm accomplishing here what do i think i can accomplish with words and i know that i'm very very limited i know that this is very very limited what this can accomplish but here's what i could suggest to you kabbalah that's a major fundamental concept in kashus and in capturing vessels as the matter was absorbed the prohibited matter the taste so too will it be expunged it didn't go in through words it's not going to get taken out through words which is why i'm not going to sit here and tell you god is good god loves you you are good those if if if if the message you got on a cellular level of of survival is not consistent with those words and all the those words that are going into your you know your thinking brain not going to do not going to do anything here's what i can tell you and i'm not saying this from a therapeutic standpoint it's not my place i'm not a mental health professional i'm a rabbi i'm speaking from a judaic standpoint from a spiritual standpoint purely and only there are beliefs we have about god that are not serving us well and we didn't pick them up through words we pick them up through experiences we are going to develop new beliefs about hashem not based on words not based on inspiring shudim or lectures but through experiences experiences experiences that means sensorial stimuli and input sight hearing taste touch smell i'm suggesting to everybody to make sure that your judaism is full of experiences and i'm not going to tell you what those experiences are some people want to take a walk in nature and that's where they feel an experience a first-hand personal connection with a power greater themselves some people some weirdos they find it in shul you know there are such people who they they find god in sure not that many but definitely there are those people by the way they're not really weird it's just just a joke just a joke okay some people find it by going to kiev sadiq they it it's not enough to learn the toyota of the tsarik they want to make that trip they want to have that experience the the sights the sounds the new sensorial input so they go to kiwi sadiq some people go to the castle they want to go friday night to the castle and i'm not even talking about the kedusha of it obviously there's spiritual stuff at play that's happening when you're going to mccamus segregation i'm not even talking about it from a spiritual standpoint i'm just saying that there is an experience to be had an experience as opposed to a didactic lesson of words words words words hitting your brain okay uh that's why many people have very real spiritual experiences at a fabregan sitting in a with the energy of the group the collective energy with within negan with with with with fab ice and with the lakayam or or kumsitsu again sitting with uh with the energy of her group and with the with the with the music the power of the music you need to make sure that you are not setting yourself up for failure by trying to talk yourself out of something that you were never talked into it went in through experiences so along with whatever therapeutic work you are doing i'm telling you rabbinically my rabbinical advice is to also replace the negative beliefs with positive beliefs that are implanted not through words but through experiences gravitate toward positive experiences find friends if that's your thing if you're more extroverted or go off be by yourself again take a walk in nature do whatever it is that you do and especially the high holidays tishrei is an opportunity for that now i know unfortunately some of us have negative triggers associated with the the senses of of of tishrei unfortunately if that's it's if that's your case but to whatever extent you can take advantage of the sound of the schaefer the look of the kittle uh on any kipper or or the the smell of hadassim and srach and sukis all of these these experiences which are not words they're not words they are sensorial experiences this is something that we can connect to on a level that's deeper than the brain and we can try to start to build some positive connections to uh to hashem so that's what i want to offer you um be creative don't limit yourself when you're looking for experiences you want to know something sometimes the best way to figure out a good experience is to design an experience for someone else especially for your kid so pretend you are the counselor in camp and you've got to come up with a cool activity or a cool outing for your kid arts and crafts i don't know make a little honey jar i'm not i'm not joking okay like make a honey jar for for rosh hashanah or i don't know put little uh tabs color papers in your in your moxa to mark the different feelers if that's not too neurotic of a thing for you to do right do something a project something hands-on something experiential um that can give you grounding that can get put your body in the place where it needs to be so that you can be available for for a new year with our shop we should all be blessed with all the blessings and the ability to see those blessings in our lives