Rivkah's Identity Crisis: I'm I Fake and Inauthentic? Parshat Toldot - Rabbi YY Jacobson

today's class is dedicated by our dear friends Dr Michael and Liz Michelle in loving memory of rabbitson s Michelle s Bas RAB m in honor of her 13th yard site on the 13th on the 23rd day ofan her 13th the artsite on the 23rd day ofin gimlin rebit Michelle for those who knew her was one of the pillars of the Mani Community I think uh one of the founding mothers of uh the entire manri Community she AR arrived in aitz in the spring of 1944 as a young teenager she came from a city called vetki near monach um the Czech today what you would call the Czech Republic and uh survived the horrors of the second world war she saw her parents led to their murder on the very same day that they arrived in aitz she survived went on to marry achieve higher education developed an amazing career and excelled as a Ritson a wife a mother devoted grandmother and she was one of the founding pillars of the early Mony Community she moved there in 1956 so today's class is that dedicated in her honor and I want to wish uh the entire Michelle family that her memory should remain an eternal source of love and light and inspiration to you and the entire family and the community and all of the Jewish people and thank you so so much today's class is also dedicated by our dear friend from the Holy Land Estus shalam in memory of her beloved husband re yov Ben Lea on his yard site the 24th day ofan to and may his memory remain an eternal source of light and love and inspiration and blessing to you and the entire family thank you very very much we're going to explore today one scene in the opening of Paras Tas that is you could feel the intensity of the moment Rifka has been waiting for a child for many years the T says in the beginning of par that got married to Rifka but she was Barren she could not have a baby and as the tah says what happens is they pray why do they pray because R was infertile the way the T puts it in the beginning of us is to in the presence in front of his wife because of her State she can't have a child Hashem responds and Rifka becomes pregnant it would be a very promising moment a very happy and joyous moment what you waited for for so many years is now about to be fulfilled but the T says it was not so simple and here you see in the First Source told that's Genesis CH 25 verse 22 the beginning of tus you have it in the Hebrew and in the English the children struggled within her she says Rifka says if this is the case which literally means why am I this is a very intense question Lama is why this I am in other words something happens that she questions not only who am I but why am I the words now the commentators explain these words in different ways I see even in the English translation here they put in a few words you could see they're not in bold if the pain of pregnancy is so great why did I pray for it the literal words which he says is why am I so there was something so painful so tumultuous so difficult so challenging about this pregnancy that it comes it causes Rifka to question something about her very existence why am I so what does she do she needs Clarity she needs soless she needs Direction comfort so she goes to inquire of God she seeks out she needs God to give her Direction and the next p says and hasem says to her there are two nations in your womb a go is a nation a people there are two nation in your rooms two civilizations or two nationalities or two Powers will diverge from your womb from within you and one will gain strength from the other meaning the upper hand will pass from one to the other literally means nationality one power from the other one will gain its strength they won't be on equal footing like Rashi says one Rises the other one Falls one Rises the other one Falls one will gain its strength from the other one being subservient and the Elder one will serve the younger one her pregnancy reaches full term and indeed there are twins in her womb and she gives birth to these twins as the T continues with the story the older boy named asov and this younger boy named Yakov now obviously this detail is an important detail to understand the entire continuation of the story I don't have to stand here and it's also would be inappropriate for me to talk about the fact that pregnancies are often tumultuous and difficult I don't think I should be the one talking about it certainly not in the presence of so many so obviously what RI experiences is more than the regular patterns of humanity where a mother who's pregnant experiences difficulties and challenges she's carrying a person and here she was carrying two people this this caused her to question her identity Rashi even says she asked and she said why was I even praying for this in other words there was such a pain here that it caused her to question the very desire to have a child now that's a very very intense moment because she was waiting for so many years first of all after after her marriage Rashi says waited 10 years till she was ready and then another 10 years and then only afterwards y was praying so she waited for so many years according to Rashi more than two decades that's a very long time and now finally it's happening but there's something so painful that she says why did I even want this I didn't know what I was getting into so this was way above and beyond the regular tumultuousness or physical pain and difficulty and challengeu something intense is happening here this bickering of the children is causing her not just to say you know this is hard I need bed rest I don't know why anybody gets into this which we understand but to the point that lamaan why am I and it's interesting she doesn't even say the words you know did I realize what I'm getting into she's she's questioning her why am I not only what am I why am I and she needs God's Direction and then she hears a message and the message apparently calms her down because she continues life moves on and what's the message the message is there's two Nations inside of you there's twins it's not just two it's not just one child it's two children and it's really two Nations it's like two identities and this dramatic statement is two nations in your womb and two Powers will emerge from your womb and one will gain strength by defeating the other and this somehow brings some form of soless ter RF but the question is why the pain is still there the tumultuous is still there whatever she experienced before she's still experiencing it's not like Hashem says you know we'll heal the situation it'll be much better now but nonetheless when she hears this message it's not one it's two she could calm down the question is solved why am I she doesn't have that question anymore what is it that she heard that calmed her down that allowed her to be able to endure this with more equinity with more comfort with more confidence there's a very powerful commentary from the TMA it's your second Source after the verses you see T told us T is a very famous kic work that was written by RAB H rabitz known as the rebba of rsk radomsk is a city in h Poland South Poland and uh of radomsk was one of the great uhad masters of his day and he wrote A Commentary called T which literally means the beauty or the Splendor of scha which was his name he passed away in the year 1866 so he has a commentary on this explaining what perturbed Rifka so deeply to question her existence and how this profound lamentation was solved or at least healed somewhat and he says as follows read inside and explain says Rashi says what was the nature of the struggle it wasn't just the physical difficulty and challenge of taking care of two babies two fetuses developing but there was an exist there was a deeper pain here because they were bickering in different situ Rashi says whenever Rifka passed a place of of of faith of spirituality what's called doors of T Yakov began bickering one fetus began kicking in other words trying to come out and when she passes ashrams or monasteries or centers of idolatry of paganism the second fetus is bickering and gets excited this is what bothered Rifka so much if this is what bothered Rifka this wasn't solved it's not like it changed afterwards so what's the change so he says as follows this portion the story is really giving guidance and perspective on a person's path in serving the Creator there's two paths one person is means I'm very ambivalent I change colors from the word I'm like this and then I turn around but obviously a path of a person should be authentic truthful T whole not false where I'm one thing and then I'm another thing we find many people person may be immersed in learning and daving and the person's heart is burning like a torch with inspiration but then a few moments change and it's all gone the ding is over the spiritual experience is over and the person's emotions and Cravings take a very opposite direction this is the meaning it says in the beginning of creation that Hashem saw that light was good and he separated between the light and the Darkness what does it mean he saw that light was good say also brings it it's in appropriate it's unworthy that light and darkness should serve together mixed like a chent so therefore he separated them how can light and darkness function together if it's light in the room it's not dark if it's dark it's not light it says Hashem created the light he saw the light was good what does it mean he saw light was good it shouldn't be mixed with darkness and therefore he separated between the two they're naturally separate entities if it's either light in the room it's not dark in the room what does this mean doesn't make sense there's a deeper hint here the paths of serving God represent light the various Cravings or addictions in a world that may be lowly and disgraceful are called dark and often light and darkness could be mixed up in a person's life where they says they're sitting on the fence and jumping in they say is dancing at two opposite weddings sometimes I go to light sometimes I go to Darkness The Darkness and Light are mixed up yeah physically it's either light or it's dark but emotionally spiritually a person finds themselves Torn Between Two opposite places and the light and the Darkness are mixed up and that's a very painful experience now we'll understand what happened with Rifka feels she sees that the children inside of her are bickering SRA she thought she has one fetus inside one child one organism sometimes he has a desire to go to the B mad to go to the place of t and then a few moments later a few hours later a few days later the desire is to go to paganism this is the nature of people who are defiant or confus when the person may be between so now they become part of this flow then the person meets other people who may be empty and uh and is uh what's the word impetuous and empty becomes one of them so here she needs Godly Direction what's going to be the end you can't live like this person can't be split this is not how light will dwell a person needs to be like a peg that anchored in a real Foundation that doesn't falter and this is what bothered Rifka she thought it was one child and the child has such a split is so fragmented there's no person here who is the person that's what bothered her so when Rashi says you know Yakov was bickering to go out when she passed places of T ASA was bickering when she passed passed places of idolatry in rifka's mind this was one child she didn't know she has twins and because it was one child so what was bothering her so much is the Paradox the fact that there seems to be no truthfulness no authenticity it's like today I'm this tomorrow I'm this one hour I'm like this I'm In This Crowd I become one person I'm in another crowd I become another person it's called a chameleon right what's it called I change colors I change identities and this is more disturbing than everything because there's a lack of authenticity the lack of authenticity it's like I I take on different roles based on the circumstances based on the situation I myself don't know who I am and that's why Rifka asks the question in such a poyant expression why am I in other words if this is existence it is so painful because one of the most painful things in existence is I don't know what it is who is this I don't even recognize I don't have a relationship with that I don't I can't even call it a certain name it changes colors like The Chameleons that you know they camouflage themselves based on the Predators you want me to look Brown I look Brown you want me to look green I look green the main thing is I have to integrate and not stand out and this was a very very painful reality for her how was this solved God tells her one thing I know this pain but it's not one child you have two Nations inside of you Yakov you have two people inside of you it's not one person there's Yakov and as and that changed everything for her the reality didn't change it was still the same reality what did she hear that she didn't hear before it's not one fetus being transformed every few seconds changing their colors their garments their camouflaging themselves transforming their identity going from one identity to another identity and back split fragmented inauthentic rather there two two there two entities each one is actually doing its own thing actually each one is very authentic in its own way this is also the hint it says later yov comes and brings the food to his father and as he walks out as he goes out from his father as his brother arrives from the hunt this represents the Paradox we're talking about says when it says and it was it's a painful expression so when you see a person who's again means this person who's a chaman who's constantly changing colors like somebody once said I am a man of principle and if you don't like my principles I have other principles the person is involved in aah he's in a state of she's in a state of Y but the moment this person walks out from the presence of his father representing I finish my daving or I finish my service suddenly I'm a different person I walk out of and suddenly I'm a different person suddenly as is here from the the other side called prevails over the person with all types of the Cravings of this world because the person ought to have a confidence and know who they are like a is a Peg a nail that's etched in and it's lotim it doesn't falter it's not constantly going from one place to another place with this weakness and spinelessness to be able to see their paths with time with wholeness ofos straight so the was introducing us here to an internal crisis that Rifka had thinking that this one person is completely completely inauthentic who am I what am I tell me what I am Lama and why am I if this is what life is I can't even figure out who I am this was her crisis this was her question and the way Hashem calms her down is not that the reality changes it's not like the rest of it that was fine ASA suddenly became a different person yob became a different person by telling her there's really two Nations inside of you and they're going to be already from the womb they have two separate entities and one is Def One gains one how they transl the upper hand will pass from one power to the other and back again there's a shift of power in other words they're never going to be equally powerful in the hierarchy one will be on the top and one will will be subservient to the other that's a very intense reality that's your reality Rifka and now Rifka could go home and as the T says her pregnancy is completed it's full term in other words the anxiety somewhat seizes she gives birth to Healthy Babies as the T continues the story essentially what we're being introduced here is to one of the profoundest challenges that a person has in their own internal life so what we're what with the story about Rifka is not just a story about the Jewish m atriarch one of the founding mothers of the Jewish Nation the first Jewish couple of the first Jew the first person who was born as a Jew which is y and this is his wife so obviously you're dealing with the foundations of the Jewish people and because it's the foundation it's really an archetype it's representative of a Timeless story within each person so now let's see how this story that we just learned with Rifka becomes personally applicable to every person so here we have the next Source it's the second to the last on the page and this is from Tanya perest chapter 9 the B writes the T says in has told us of course in this story what does again mean that power passes from one to the other y comes from the word means courage strength fortitude right so one nation or one power one nationality from the other one will gain strength meaning the power will pass from one to the other so the balat says the story of Rifka and her tumultuous pregnancy is a story about every person it's a physical story it's a historical story but it's also a metaphor for life which is why the story makes it into the because T is a blueprint for life it's a road map for our [Music] Voyage calls the human body a little city a miniature City in other words the body is not just you know you have a body and you fun the body has a whole Mahal just like a city it's not easy to L run London or New York or Paris or Moscow or Jerusalem or any city in the world Melbourne it's a city is an in requires an infrastructure and just like in a city you have the subway station which is Subterranean you have the bridges and you have all of the other aspects so the Goof the body is Anana it's a city and this city is filled with action and he says you sometimes have two kings two rulers fighting over one city each one wants to conquer the city and rule over it theu what does it mean rule over the city what does that look like what does it mean that they should have a sign that you're the ruler it means what does it mean that I want to rule the city what does that look like I want that all of the inhabitants should be aligned with my will each King wants that they should be aligned to his Direction in whatever he decrees so you have two kings fighting over a city what are they fighting over they're fighting over the entire population and therefore the entire direction of the city how everybody is going to live how everybody's going to behave what what what will be its Constitution what will be the edict they will follow what will be the lifestyle Etc the same is true we have two Souls the Divine soul but we also have a biological Soul also called an animal soul that comes from a realm called kipa shell a shell we'll soon explain what that means they are quarreling they are fighting with each other they're in a in a war with each other on the body and all of its limbs all of its organs just like the two kings are fighting over every inhabitant of the city the entire infrastructure of the city they want to capture they want everyone living in the city should be under their rule I'm the king I'm the ruler this is what happens with these two souls in the body and this is what Hashem is telling the power passes from one to the other and it's this conflict that created such a crisis in Rifka and when she heard there's two two Souls it relaxes her what does this mean what ISAT teaching us what is what is he really teaching us here so let's see the last Source here it's a few chapters later in chapter 28 we must heal the mistake of the world to to is an error of the world world means you know what we call the regular conception of the world they make a mistake people prove they want to prove from the fact that an alien thought just fell into my head fell into my brain means an alien thought a disturbing thought it fell into me they want to prove from that this means that if this happened in the middle of daving my daving was worthless they have a good they have a good proof if you would have daved appropriately like a man if you would have been praying the way you should you wouldn't have these ridiculous thoughts alien strange maybe disturbing maybe vulgar maybe promiscuous or certainly distracting very very discouraging very depressing if I'm re if I'm really into it I'm into it the very fact that I'm experiencing all these thoughts what does it prove it prove that I'm a fake fraud and phony you remember you used to say that Bob Grant on the radio no that's probably where I got it from before fake news you're a fake fraud and phony I know I just popped in but it popped in I guess it fit in there right I'm a fake I'm a fraud I'm a phony of course it's all with f three FS very very power powerful thought this is how the world perceives things in other words either I'm real or I'm not real if it's real if it's authentic why did all these thoughts come in the fact that these thoughts come in meaning I'm an impostor I'm an impostor I was lying I'm not sincere maybe other people think I am I have my eyes closed but I know what's happening inside of me so the balatan says this is a to this is an error of the world meaning it's a very common error why why if I'm authentic I'm authentic didn't we talk about the fact that a person should not be a chameleon one minute I'm like this another minute I'm like this so he says these words and this is what Rifka learned at this moment it's beautiful words truth would have been on their side in other words their words would have been truthful that they're lying they're insincere their ding is worthless if they had one Soul one Consciousness and that soul is the one that's Ding and it's the same soul that is experiencing all these disturbing thoughts then they would be right who are you who are you don't you have an identity isn't there anything you believe in is there something called you and this would be a true conclusion I'm fake yes I don't have an identity one minute I'm like this five minutes later I'm a different person today my name is this and tomorrow my name is something else it doesn't have to be tomorrow it could be maybe 3 seconds later or 20 seconds later or a minute later then they would have been right if they had one Soul one Consciousness and the question is who are you if you were sincere about this why is it that 60 seconds later you're having the exact opposite thought but what's the truth the truth is a person doesn't operate on one level of Consciousness you don't have one Soul you don't have what's called a mono brain we don't have one brain we have different parts two complete different set of two batteries two different operating systems two different operating systems two states of Consciousness what he calls two Souls and there's a battle there's a fierce battle in the brain there's one physical brain but there's different parts that want to capture the brain that want the brain to belong to it like we learned before there's one city but there's a lot of kings and they all want this city should be mine and everyone in this city should be under my direction you follow my rules I'm the boss I'm the king so this poor brain is like okay who's the Boss tell me who's the boss so you have two different Souls Everybody Wants to Rule and not rule 50% I want exclusivity a ruler is one ruler you can't you know you can't have what do they say two Two Chefs spoil the food and there's one boss in the kitchen who decides who decides what things are going to run like when you have so many different people deciding it could be a disaster so everyone wants exclusivity I want it should be mine the city is mine the body is mine each one wants that the brain the Mind should be filled and saturated with this Soul exclusively alone the thoughts that reflect the Divine blueprint for life and or of Heaven are a reflection of the Divine Soul's consciousness but there's also everything connected to living in this world and that's a reflection of the animal Consciousness but the Divine soul is enclosed in it so there are not two separate entities that live in different countries one is enclosed in the other one since a person when a person understands this he says you don't prove that your davening was inauthentic and insincere just because you have these very very challenging or disturbing or alien thoughts because of course there's different Souls operating different operating systems each one has a different message and it doesn't mean you're inauthentic when Rifka understood this Hashem says there's two in your system there's not one there's two okay so this answers the question if Rifka was so bothered by this pain and she couldn't deal with it and she said why do I want this I can't exist what happened he didn't say let me take away the pain they'll stop bickering they'll make PE he didn't say that he just said there's two and actually God makes the split much worse he's like they're they're completely different the power is going to pass from one to the other Rifka seems fine she's good so say what happens that she becomes okay not being okay you were so perturbed by it to the point that it questioned Your Existence it wasn't like you know I have a headache I'm nauseous I can't function which is also quite difficult but it's the point that I don't even know why I am and now she's good so obviously the pain here was so profound to question her existence and she heard something that brought a profound soless and comfort so this is such a foundational point that we learned here from the Rifka story because it's so real when you talk about every person's life because one of the greatest questions or one of the greatest challenges that people have is exactly this dilemma that the Bal raises here in such vivid terms and that is in rifka's words he can't say it better who am I and why am I that question is a very very deep question why would Rifka ask this question why does anybody ask the question and the answer is because we see there's so many different voices inside of us and these voices can change literally from minute to minute from hour to hour never mind from day to day from week to week from month to month and sometimes forgive me within the same 20 seconds so many paradoxical thoughts and instincts and emotions and drives and experiences emerge within the human psyche and the person asked themselves you know which one is real it's like and I'm jug we're juggling you know you catch this thought and then there's another one and then there's another ball that comes from a different direction and when a person finally thinks that they reach some form of conclusion and like this is who I am suddenly we could be surprised and startled by how fast we're triggered and we go into a completely different state and the general question is and of course in every person's life it's so different and manifest to self in so many diverse ways but the general principle is on one hand in each one of us there's so much love people want to be good they want to be loving they want to have an open heart they want to give love they want to receive love we want to connect deeply we want to be present we want to show up to life with a joyful presence anybody yeah does anybody share this dream or uh okay thank you thank you I'm starting to doubt myself and say and am I the crazy one am I the number one so and that's a very part you know people want to be they want to they want they want their marriages to be deep and intimate and successful and Powerful our relationships with our children our relationship with ourselves our relationship with our family with friends there's so much idealism and Purity in your heart but we also know that there are other moments that a person could be triggered in such powerful ways suddenly I may be a overtaken by profound anger or profound jealousy or profound animosity or profound resentment suddenly we find ourselves shutting down and feeling the need to detach and a lot of negative thoughts come into a person's mind sometimes there's so much self-loathing and doubt and inner insecurity so the person says you know which one is it and people come to blame themselves with a lot a lot of guilt and shame and this is exactly what the AL is addressing it's I see that I'm a chameleon I'm an inauthentic person if I would be authentic I would be authentic the fact that there's so much going on in my mind it just shows that I'm really just an impostor I'm a fake nothing is real if it would be real it would I would stick to it I would be consistent this would be the person and the balatan says that this is coming from a fundamental mistake of what a person is and when Rifka heard this it changed everything it seemed simple but it's not so simple maybe it is it's both simple and not simple and that is there's no one person inside of you there's quite a few people inside of you at least two but each one of those you know comes with like a 100 or 200 and everybody has its own system [Music] so imagine I'm in a room you know there's a board meeting you ever went to a board meeting did you ever have the luck to be at a board meeting like of a SCH or of a school okay if you did you know what I'm talking about if not you're probably lucky right and it's a big board and everybody has an opinion and at some point they're all shouting at the same time everybody's actually being very authentic they're just saying what they're saying that meeting is happening inside of us very very often and the key in life is not to silence one voice I may not be able to everybody in the board has what to say the key is knowing what part is saying what where it's coming from and distinguishing between the two and then Rifka knows exactly what to do and she doesn't have to say who am I why am I this is not an existence anymore cuz she completely contextualizes it and it gives a certain deep Serenity even if the pregnancy is still tumultuous what does this mean in a person's life the balatan says we have to understand that there's two Souls inside of us so we don't operate with one Soul we operate with two souls and the two souls are completely different it's a completely different state of consciousness one he calls here the which is a Divine Consciousness one he calls a which means a biological Consciousness he also calls itam an animal conscious iess and these are the two little children or the two little twins the twin brothers or sisters whatever it is inside of us and they're each saying very very different things and they don't speak with words necessarily they speak with everything they speak with somatic experience they speak with inclinations they speak through instincts they of course speak through thoughts every internal drive emotion experience erience is one of the souls speaking up what is the difference between these Souls one is called NE one is called the words themselves tell us the difference one is called a Divine Soul the other one is called a biological Soul NE meaning it's responsible for biology it's responsible for giving life it's responsible for survival it's like the soul in the blood it's literally operates all of the biological systems that keep us physically alive on Earth that's what it is that's why it's called it's the soul of an animal it's an animal Consciousness which essentially every animal every living animal every living organism has a Consciousness and a soul that is its entire operating system it allows the bioelectrical currents that cause the physical man the system that works to help help this person keep alive this is responsible for it like the tah says it's the soul of the flesh that's in the blood so our circulatory system functions and functions in miraculous intricate incredible ways that's the biological Soul responsible for it the same is true with the digestive system the same is true with the respiratory system and the same is true with the urinary system you're a doctor you want to tell us all the nine systems and it really you know we have around 50 60 trillion cells in our body somebody got to take somebody got to take care of 60 trillion little kids you know how hard it is to take care of seven kids and never mind 12 kids and each one has a different identity guess what this poor soul got 70 trillion little babies to take care of they're called cells now they live very small babies you know you need a microscope to notice them but they are loud the peanut gallery has a lot to say inside of you and they got to work together and they have to be synchronized and each one I don't know if you know but the infrastructure of one cell in the body is more complex than the infrastructure of London Paris New York Tel Aviv Moscow Melbourne Sydney and Los Angeles put together you can't study a cell and be an honest atheist afterwards you need too much Faith to look at a cell and say this happened randomly today to be an atheist you need a lot of faith kid came to me the other day and he says I'm an atheist I said okay how can I help [Music] you so he says I want to know you seem intelligent sometimes I listen to your classes and I say you're not an atheist why not so I said I don't have enough Blind Faith like you you need a lot of abuna to be able to say just study DNA or study a molecule study an atom study a cell to say that it happened randomly you need a lot of amuna I don't have subun what should I do even when I see cheers set up a certain way or I I know somebody did it like just a few lousy cheers that it maybe takes three seconds to put together just one cell it's just beyond crazy and the synchronization of these cells and the operating system of these cells is the Miracle of Life so the neam is not some small Soul this is a soul that literally Keeps Us physically alive and how many things it has to decide every minut minute is crazy I don't know if you know but the brain has to make more than 1 million decisions every millisecond one imagine you think your to-do list is complicated you know what's happening inside of you what you have to do six things today okay you're a woman so you have to do 29 things today okay you're a Jewish woman so you have to do 99 things today and you still have a few minutes the brain doesn't have a few minutes it's like you'll be dead at that moment if I don't do it right away so the ne bamis takes full responsibility for living for physical life so now it tells me it's time to eat it's time to sleep you're thirsty you're hungry your temperature needs uh you need needs to address it you have to tend to your needs whatever it is and those are the things we're aware of and then there's most of its decisions that happen internally that a person doesn't even realize I mean just the respiratory system the inhaling and exhaling just the circulatory system you're talking about incredibly complex incredible systems because the animal Soul's job is to keep the person alive it does it very loyally because it's a messenger of God that's its job and as a result of that it develops all different types of operating systems to help you stay alive and safe in a difficult world so the animal Soul develops not just it's not just a soldier doing its job okay it's time to have the blood now leave the heart and send the nutrients and oxygen to all the cells those are the biological systems but the animal Soul also develops attitudes inclinations thoughts emotions perspectives philosophies that will help the person survive I heard the recording of my wife's Tanya class two days ago Monday yesterday actually sorry so my brilliant wife gave a brilliant example for this and that is if a child grew up in a home and that home was not the child didn't feel it was a safe place maybe the father was very angry or very upset or very anxious or the mother was very very anxious and it wasn't safe it wasn't safe and the child knew at any moment father can explode mother can explode there could be chaos and for children that's very scary and this little child learned that if she or he behaves a certain way maybe is always obedient never complains always pleases tati and Mommy they will be calmer so the animal Soul says yes yes don't talk about your needs just make sure to please them just make sure that everything is in control so this house doesn't go into chaos and there's no third world war you know they tell the story about a a teenager he was learning history in school and he was having an exam so he was preparing for it at night so he's sitting on the couch and reading his history books and he says daddy how did the first world war begin and who started the first world war so daddy says well Sweden got very upset at Denmark so Sweden declared war on Denmark his wife was a historian his wife hears this from the kitchen and she says your son is going to grow up an ignoramus like you Sweden and Denmark really and the father also said it happened in the 18th century he's going to be as ill literate and uneducated as you and of course she preaches the truth that the first World War began in 1914 when the austri Hungarian Empire declared war on SVA and the father gets upset and he says stop mixing in you think you know everything you don't know anything he asked me the question not you and the boy says okay I already know how the first World War began but we have to understand the animal Soul develops methods to survive if this was an unsafe home I'll do what I have to do started Mother's brain one very good nice she's saying the first world war happened earlier in the mother's brain before she spoke very well thank you noted noted but the father and the boy wouldn't have known that but thank you for clarification and you're right in history too the first World War Began [Laughter] earlier so now this child now grows up she may be 20 30 40 50 60 but I still need to be safe the animal Soul knows what safety is so maybe I'm not allow to have needs I'm not to share my emotions I always have to take responsibility I always have to give I always always always need to be the right people's pleaser because as a child this is what safety meant another person maybe was very hurt emotionally a child and they had to shut down their heart to survive so the animal Soul said you want to survive we're going to stop feeling we're going to stop feeling if I don't feel my emotions so much I'll be much safer no computers have much less therapy needs do they people still take their computer is for therapy they're good sometimes you shut your computer middle of the day I'm like I had enough of you and the computer's fine cuz it's a computer so if I shut down my emotions I'm not aware of my emotions even it's much better this is an operating system and sometimes I operate my system this way and now it's 30 40 years later it's very hard for me to feel emotional Detachment getting offline is a great way of survival and so each animal Soul develops its own unique cop mechanisms of what will give it the best chance at survival just like if I'm hungry it says you need to go eat and if it's thirsty you're I'm thirsty you need to go drink something and if you're exhausted you haven't slept in a night go take take a nap and you're very cold put on a sweater or you're very hot put on the air condition or go out and get some fresh air or now it's time you know I I I need it's time to bathe whatever it is the animal soul is saying and those are very good things cuz that's what keeps us it also tells you something else it says you walked into a Mitzvah or to a wedding or to a make sure you have anxiety make sure you have anxiety of course if you don't have anxiety your stupidness may come out the world will realize what a stupid idiot you always were you know how foolish you are when you were 2 years old three years old you got the message if you now have anxiety you will be careful with every word you say you will be hyper Vigilant and you you will still remain a respectable member in the community for the animal Soul anxiety is a ma amazing survival skill laziness is another one being blah feeling blah is a great one because it doesn't look lethal it's like blah blah like uh it's like good you're not confrontational you're a good girl you're fine you you're just blah who's not blah but you realize no the soul is not blah it's protecting me from something it doesn't want me to feel what's under the blondness the blondness that's why he calls the second Soul it's called a cipa it's a shell and the reason it's a shell is because it develops its identity with husks and with shells a person often develops aggression I'm very confrontational I can't be wrong there's people who can't be wrong I don't know if you ever met them they can why why can't they be wrong it's very difficult but this is a survival mechanism this was their way of operating their way of becoming successful there are PE people who desperately are looking for validation wherever they go they need validation if you give them a compliment it's oxygen if you give them criticis ISM they need therapy for a year and they're looking for it constantly the poor animal Soul needs this the animal Soul probably never received real love real validation of who it is internally so I substitute it with could you tell me I'm good could you tell me I'm good could you tell me I'm good come on say it again and I'm sly I'm clever we manipulate it we do it in a very smart way we even outsmart ourselves and this becomes operating system and we know that there's a dissonance there there's a certain discomfort the person feels deep inside so what happens is often the animal Soul develops hundreds and thousands of coping mechanisms in so many different ways this one goes into fight and this one goes into flight and this one goes into freeze and this one goes into for which is people pleasing this one goes into dorsal State this one goes into freeze this one completely shuts down for a couple of decades you know Wake Me Up When the show is over like somebody once said the definition of Consciousness is the Annoying time between naps you know the few hours I have to stay up right sometimes being exhausted is an amazing coping mechanism you know what if I'm always exhausted I have a great excuse of not showing up I don't have to show up sometimes it's a fear of making mistakes perfectionism is an unbelievable survival skill the animal told if you're not going to be perfect you're not going to get approval you're going to experience that pain that you experienced then when you felt like such an an unworthy person you're not worthy of being you're not worthy of love you're not worthy of existence you're just a lonely foolish you better be perfect somebody's going to come to your house and there's a mess in the house do you know what's that what's going to do for your identity of course we have beautiful words I'm a balabusta I'm Regal I'm an aristocrat I'm Royal me and Queen Elizabeth too you can't come into my Buckingham Palace and see that something is not tidy so part of it is very good you know as your mother said you have to be AAL but sometimes we all know how frantic it can get how much anxiety there is it's above the fact that you yourself want to be in a clean house which is actually also the need of the Divine soul and a healthy animal soul but there's a certain anxiety here that's coming from the fact that if I'm not perfect and never mind if I make a mistake it's going to mean that I am a mistake and the animal soul is trying to protect me so with vs all of these urges how does a person begin to deal with it only with awareness only with awareness and that's where all the triggers come from the animal Soul gets triggered very very easily whenever it's being threatened it's triggering and it has to become hypervigilant it needs to be go on alert there's danger and the animal Soul you have to give it credit it detects danger in a split second somebody comes into the room and the animal Soul says good guy bad guy safe unsafe Run for the heels doesn't have to be physically could be emotionally just run for the hills just shut down I'm not here anymore the greatest the greatest arena in with this conflict comes out is always in marriage because nobody triggers you like your spouse present company included in fact it was Des that way it was divine that way your spouse usually triggers The Living Daylights out of you forgive me not in every case but in a lot of cases why it's not a mistake it's not a mistake because God said it's not good for Adam to be alone who takes Adam out of his aloneness how do I go out of my aloneness through a partner through a relationship but that relation ship has to deal with the part of me that feels alone the part of me that feels alone is the part where the animal soul went into Detachment so the relationship is an opportunity to go out of my aloneness so if the relationship is worked out so then it takes people out of their loneliness if not it just reinforces the reason that they became lonely in the first part in the first place I hope you understood what I just said so that's where the that's where that's where it's happening cuz that's a such a close relationship I can't just Run to the Hills constantly I mean I could but it it's very obvious what the home looks like in fact often God made a very funny system as it says in is an AER K he a helpmate she's a helpmate against Adam now usually you don't help somebody and again you're not against them like it's so interesting that the first wife is introduced as a help against them a great definition for marriage make sure to help your husband by always being against them like never disagree with never agree with them by the way you come home today your husband might ask you so what did RAB why say today he said it's a Mitzvah not to agree with you a so I'm going to make an official [Laughter] denial I'm not saying it's a Mitzvah to disagree with him just 50% of the time disagree with just joking you'll figure out when to disagree with him if you're a Jewish wife you know exactly what to do how ever the meaning of this is very very profound because what often happens is the love and we see how Divine Providence works you know it says that Hashem spends hours every day making now could you tell me I know sh do that okay sometimes they only do that but like this God is creating this whole world like hours every day making like don't God use artificial intelligence haven't you heard of artificial intelligence just put in everybody's data that'll give you the whole history I mean after all you're the author of artificial intelligence you can figure this out but the truth is the whole idea of shim is not just people getting along it's a very profound idea God is directly involved is a euphemism it's a metaphor of saying what a deep Providence there is in the relationships that we end up cultivating in life because they actually are there to help us heal our deepest loneliness our deepest wounds so very often very often and this is it's a very paradoxical and interesting thing and sometimes it could be very sad but it's also very thrilling and powerful and both are true sometimes a woman or a man who were looking to have a relationship with a particular individual as a child and they never did they will try to find that relationship in the spouse and they will choose a spouse that has similarities to that person they were Desperately Seeking to be connected to hoping that this person will be able to heal the rupture that they experience with that person so they're almost going in Back to the first mess that developed that original trauma like to redo it and maybe my husband can do it differently but of course your husband is clueless he doesn't even know anything about this cuz you don't even know anything about it cuz it's your subconscious and it's the other way with the husband towards the wife so a are connected so now what happens is they're coming together they're literally triggering every every you know when you touch somebody they have a burn what is it called uh when you H when somebody has a burn and you touch them what is it called [Music] uh if I give somebody a hug right their neck has a bad burn they're going to scream scream they're going to scream so these relationships trigger these Primal Primal wounds that are so so powerful and then one of two things can happen either they run further away from each other and Drift Away gas light ston wall numb become numb apathetic and different confrontational because it's too painful so I go into the same survival mode I went into so many years ago and it's my animal Soul saying you got to live I need to keep you safe I need to keep you safe this is too painful but there's another option and what's the other option and this option takes a lot of Courage for this we have to learn about the second Soul the Divine Soul the Divine soul is a derivative of infinite Consciousness it's divine it's Godly it's called like a piece of in that sense it's never lonely it's also never wounded it's full of promise and confidence and strength and resilience and joy in fact it's whole it's perfect it can't be stupid it's a Divine it's Divi it's divine it's Godly it sees the world and experiences the world from the Divine perspective it's also holy and sacred it's beautiful it's splendorous we say about Hashem every morning and ding in his space there's confidence and there's joy in the space of the Divine Soul you're always confident and you're always in a state of joy because it's your natural organic State it's not blemished it can be broken it's always filled with curiosity with compassion with love with inquisitiveness with creativity with caring because it mirrors the Divine essentially it's infinite it's indestructible it never lives in dispar it never lives with inner doubt its identity is is a derivative of the Divine Consciousness therefore it's called a it's infinite so even when we experience life and the animal soul is trying to survive and it develops all these coping mechanisms for example shutting down being very detached or being very angry sometimes people find themselves there always angry why are you angry I don't even know their child walks into the house they're angry their husband walks to the house they're angry their mother-in-law calls they're angry okay I know that I don't my mother knows but I get it sometimes it's pred why' you just get into a bad mood sometimes such unpredictable moments almost like the family's around the table it's a beautiful moment it's KHAK it's p whatever and suddenly like we find our our hearts like just go away but something happened the animal Soul got scared it literally got scared and there's a reason for it in its own mind is trying to survive the solution that won't work is to guilt ourselves and say I'm such a sick person in fact that guilt and shame will usually reinforce the original conditions that forced me to shut down originally or forced me to go into those coping mechanisms that I went in I'm going to guilt my and shame myself what we what what what we resists persists so if I repress it I I guilt it I shame it I I want to I want to destroy it I get angry I get upset at it the animal soul looks at me and says okay I can't trust you either bye-bye I'll just do my thing and we actually develop stronger coping mechanism the real way of understanding it is understanding that there's really Two Souls the Divine Soul feels safe it feels safe because it's always in the Divine embrace it has no problem living in the frequency of trust and surrender it's also filled with love and Purity it's not afraid but we don't only have a Divine Soul the Divine Soul can't live in the physical world So Divine Soul comes into the animal soul and the animal soul is like a garment it's like a hand in the glove it's the glove that allows the Divine soul to live in the body cuz the animal soul is the intermediary force that allows the Divine soul to actually give life to a physical body the animal soul is the Lush it's the Garment so the question is not if I have one Soul or two Souls it's obvious that I have two souls and the other issue is power passes from one to the other they can't both be equally powerful either the animal soul is serving the Divine Soul or the Divine Soul becomes repressed and subservient and buried under the animal soul and therefore it's in a prison it's two kings and the both are not ruling the city equally it's never 50/50 either the Divine Soul rules and the animal Soul says I'm with you thank you for taking care of me or the animal Soul doesn't trust the Divine Soul or the person does actually the person doesn't know about their Divine Soul doesn't even know about it and therefore it relegates it to the subconscious it puts it into Exile from its own perception and I don't access to my an Divine soul and my animal Soul runs the entire system it would be like you're raising you have a little puppy a little pet it's a very cute puppy and then one day the puppy sees that the father is not home the mother is not home nobody's home and the puppy is there to fend for itself the puppy's going to get very very anxious the puppy's going to get very very scared anybody who comes to the door the puppy will go crazy from Fear because it's all alone and now you'll ask the puppy develop a philosophy in life life the poor puppy wasn't meant to be a philosopher the poor puppy was just meant to be a cute little puppy but in the vulnerability of Life the puppy has to now become its own little God that's what happens to our animal Soul it's like a little cute puppy that's keeping us alive but it wants to be an extension of the Divine Soul it's fine its job is just now it's time to go to the bathroom now it's time to eat breakfast now it's time to put on a sweater now it's time to take care of whatever you have to take care of but what happens is often the animal Soul takes on roles Beyond its identity pushes away the Divine soul and says I'm going to make all my decisions so what can often happen is say and this is a very good example in a marriage let's say there's a very deep conversation happening between a husband and a wife the wife may share something very intimate and vulnerable with her husband or the other way around the husband or the wife may find themselves very triggered emotionally they just got you you sat down for a conversation because you wanted to be close in middle of the conversation you find your heart running away what just happened so you say oh I'm dishonest I'm inauthentic I don't really want to be close I'm a faker no different parts different parts Your Divine Soul has a lot of trust because it's full of confidence because it's indestructible it's very whole it has trust it's open to real relationships the animal soul is still there and it's scared and your wife or your husband just said something that made the animal Soul freak out maybe this animal Soul saw its mother or father not having control over themselves and seeing how emotionally insane their house was so this husband or wife is very scared of feeling that and suddenly somebody's chearing a very intense emotion the animal Soul says I'm out of here I don't deal with intense emotion sorry I'm I'm I'm my brain that's one of the greatest coping mechanism of animal s intellectualism you know what intellectuals do right they stop believing in emotions because emotions are very volatile computers are very predictable so some people they become very brainy they figure everything out with their brain now it seems like they're very intelligent and at work they're making a good living and everybody Praises them but in the house it's sometimes a disaster because like there's like wall it's like hey brain anybody there hello it's nice to see you how can I help you what's happening inside of you um what type of question is that is there something that has to be done now you understand what I'm talking about this is a great coping mechanism of the animal Soul now for Outsiders it makes s you're intelligent you're sophisticated you're brilliant but in a deep relationship it's about relationship it's about energy it's about about emotion it's about connectivity it's about Oneness the person can't so the Divine Soul wants to be one but the animal Soul just freaked out this conversation is scaring me I developed a coping mechanism I can't deal with it what's the solution the worst thing you can do to yourself is one of two things number one shame and blame of what a horrible dysfunctional sick traumatized wounded dysfunctional Miga human being you are another wrong thing to do is actually go down that path and just let the animal Soul take over the conversation because now I reinforce the wound and reinforce the reactions that come with it the real path is and this is what Rifka had to learn you don't have one person inside of you there's many parts and different parts respond in different ways we don't have a mono brain we have so to speak many brains inside of us what I mean by many brains I know we have one physical brain 2 and A2 pounds of jello in your skull or three lbs but what I mean many brains is there's so many different Minds there's so many different states of Consciousness as thean says so many different souls in Your Divine Soul you're amazingly whole in my animal Soul there may be lots and lots of coping mechanisms that I was forced to develop over the years and this became my operating system in fact your animal Soul made you successful and therefore you have to thank it it's been a friend yes there were difficulties in your life it came in it took over the situation it made me who I am whatever those patterns are I have to have compassion and empathy for everything it's carrying because let's face it I'm alive in fact it was doing the Divine job of keeping you alive God wants you alive and my animal soul and divine Soul now get married to each other because they're always living together because the Divine Soul functions always in and through the animal soul so it's it's power passes from one to the other either the Divine soul is the king and the animal soul and the body say sure we're here thank you or it's the other way around the animal Soul takes over and the Divine Soul goes into hiding it remains whole but I don't have access with it I don't have access to it so now we come back to daving the ALB says the balat says I'm in middle of DAV and I'm thinking I'm having a moment of intimacy with Hashem I surrendered there's a bliss there's a Clarity there's a joy and then suddenly out of nowhere anxiety pops into your head when you start thinking about your daughter what happened to all this trust suddenly the world is a chaotic Place suddenly overwhelming you start thinking about your son suddenly overwhelming you start thinking about yourself about your duties and then suddenly I'm this stressed person I'm like who has time to dve and I'm gone what just happened whoa sometimes people people are on vacation with somebody they love and it's an amazing moment and then out of nowhere suddenly they don't even know why but a different mood takes over and we blame ourselves for being so inauthentic am I close or am I far am I real or am I fake am I confident or am I insecure am I an impostor or not an impostor am I happy or depressed am I Blissful or miserable do I see Life as a blessing do I see Life as just an incessant challenge that is so so exhausting and we have to understand that the animal Soul could come in at any moment and hijack The Experience put in its thoughts inject its perspectives and if we go down that rabbit hole five minutes later I'm going to completely different Zone not because you're an authentic but because I had to develop all these skills quote unquote and emotions and instincts and drives and thoughts and words and actions and it all begins with an inner experience so the balatan says stop saying you're inauthentic maybe your Divine soul is an exile Ming maybe I don't have access to it maybe it's been years and I need to learn how to have access to it but on that level you're not an imposture you're the divine presence in this world now this is very tricky because you know in a class it's almost like presented in this you know clear way but when it's happening in real life it happens in a momentarily it happens [Music] momentarily you know as I'm teaching this as I'm teaching this and sharing this my animal Soul also comes in into the brain it's not only you it's also me I just had a message a few seconds ago it said do you really believe what you're saying do you really believe what you're saying how convinced are you what is that of course some way the animal Soul if it could make me feel that I'm dishonest that I'm an impostor some it could keep me detached from this information it will be safe it puts in all types of doubts and it's not because it's evil it's simply an animal and it lives in a shell it lives in a Husk it doesn't see the full picture which is M that you are always in the presence of infinity you're part of infinity and every moment essentially is the way this moment is designed to be for you to manifest God's life in this world and on the level of the Divine Soul it can't be more of a perfect moment but the animal Soul lives in separateness because that's a kipa it's a shell it's a hust that blocks its vision and therefore it develops the way it develops but the advantage is it does its job to keep me physically alive so as a result of this we now come back to the story of Rifka and in the story of Rifka this is what's happening it's not just a story about her physical birth and pregnancy of course it's that but it's also a very deep Timeless story about the self what Rifka is experiencing more than anything else is this child doesn't know who he or she is we pass a center of divinity of Amun of T and this fetus is kicking I'm excited God excites me truth excites me Purity excites me Holiness excites me and then 20 minutes later Rifka is walking in a completely different space opposite space and the fetus is again excited why am I who am I this is such a torturous existence come I am I a sick person am I a healthy person am I a real person am I a fake person am I a happy person am I a depressed person am I a confident person am I an anxious person anybody wants to answer [Laughter] [Music] you know they tell the story about a Drew from and he went to vilna and he comes back from vilna to K and they say KN how was it he says such interesting Jews in Villa he says why say I walked into SCH and I meet a Jew I meet I meet a Jew in SCH and I see a Jew he's a communist another Jew I see a Jew a capitalist I see a Jew an atheist I see a Jew a Believer I see a Jew is a Buddhist I see a Jew is a socialist I see a Jew is an agnostic I see a Jew is happy I see a Jew is depressed the guy from Kum says we have that inum too I mean what's the big deal he says no was all the same person but this is it's so hard it's so hard because we want to identify we identify with each piece in US completely soem tells I made the system let me tell you about the system there's two two Nations inside of you and you really have to understand that on their own they're completely in different spaces already from your womb they separate and power passes from one to another this is a choice you have to make of course at any given moment I can go down the rabbit hole of fear of anxiety of disassociation of Confrontation of loneliness I can go there and I'll have all the right I'll have all the justifications and reasons for it I can get triggered so badly and just shut down and say no and I don't even have to say it it's the body's response to to to to Danger the animal soul is the body it's manifested in the body it's very visceral it's very sematic the body keeps the score and the body says this person is danger this conversation is dangerous this encounter is dangerous this experience is dangerous stay away this is hazardous who everybody for some people it's everybody just stay alone in your bedroom lock the door take a good book Stay to your pillow that's why people love their phones why do people love their phones so much they don't trigger you my phone triggers me you know the phone I control I control it I go where I want I watch the clips I want I'm the one in charge it's not a relationship but in real relationships it becomes very very complex and therefore the animal soul is screaming and the body is screaming so Hashem tells Rifka you're not inauthentic she thought it's one person who's changing colors every day every moment and therefore I'm so adal I'm so refined and then I can have such obnoxious thoughts I sometimes got emails from women particularly who blame themselves because they thought of themselves as so holy so pure and then they got involved in things that were messy and immature and sometimes immoral and they can't believe it what they don't understand is that their animal Soul was so frightened this is their coping mechanism and we always have to be able to choose who holds the driver's who holds the the who sits in the driver's seat and holds on to the steering wheel there will be a backseat driver the backseat driver will say you're going the wrong way make a right make a left take the light take the light there's a police take the light you're so scared I can't drive with you in the car you're you don't know what you're doing who taught you lessons you drive just like your mother there's a backseat driver so it would be nice to open the door and throw him out of the car you can't he's your kid's father you got to keep him in the car but you don't have to give him the wheel the way back you got to give him the driver's wheel this is happening inside of us I'm driving my car I'm holding on to the steering wheel but there's a backseat driver take a right take a left take a right go to park going to cruise go go faster go slower take the light don't take the light you're lost you're always lost you're such an idiot even even with ways you don't know what to do even with Google Maps you get lost like who gets lost with Google Maps only this idiot cuz you can't listen cuz you're smarter cuz it's a woman's voice on ways and you don't listen to women so you have to take a turn to I told them not to have a woman's voice because the men can't L but internally this happens to us right the animal soul will have its voice but what happens is instead of giving it its whe I could say m my little you're scared I get it and I'm so sorry that this is the coping mechanism you had to develop you really need to make me feel blah 29 times a day wow you are so afraid of me feeling alive what's going to come up for you if I feel alive and you know what happens it's actually going to start crying if you know how to do this with Stillness and compassion your animal soul will literally start crying not if you guilt it and shame it then it won't it's going to run away further because now it can't trust you but if you really tune into it it will start crying I experienced this maybe some of you experienced this it will literally start crying because it developed this shell and became a shell of a person simply in order to survive and it was trying to do the right thing in a funny way it was trying to do the right thing what is so hard is not to become defensive like no you're the wrong one you're the crazy one that's where we go cuz that keeps me safe but it was really really trying to survive and it's so painful to be able to acknowledge that and then to be able to help it unburden that need to remain detached to remain numb to become a shell of itself that's what it means it comes from CIP but so easily becomes a shell of itself it's not in touch with its own energy and that's what often happens and you know we especially see this as we raise children or raise grandchildren and students like sometimes survival is very very important like if life is difficult you know for many generations I would say people didn't always have the luxury to deal with emotions they put one foot ahead of another foot they put food on the table they created physical shelter and that itself was a miracle and we have to be grateful for that because ultimately they survived tried to do the right thing did Mitzvah and brought God's light into the world and that's what counts but I think we live today in a time where we see that our children are asking for a much deeper form of authenticity like a yish guy that's alive can my heart truly be open can I be present and kids right away know the difference if Mommy and tati are joyfully alive and present or we're just going through the motions and having them go through the motions so we can all feel good about ourselves that we're continuing the system but in order to really go into a place of gula of Redemptive Consciousness it's by having an open heart and you can't forge an open heart artificial intelligence won't do it I can intellectualize everything I can't Fain an open heart you can't Fain authenticity you cannot fake the Divine Soul operating and functioning as the drive as as the one occupying the driver's seat there's a presence there's an energy you're alive you're not a shell of yourself you're fully present in relationships you're fully present in life you're fully present to Hashem you're fully present to other people you're fully present to your children to your loved ones you're fully present you're alive and then the animal Soul comes into to hijack and I say okay I get it talk to me here let me give you a hug let me give you a hug and you take the little baby who's throwing a tant I'm like this is dangerous I get it I get it come let me give you a hug and I'm so sorry this is what you have to do I get it and I'm sorry but I'm here for you I'm here for you and the animal soul looks up and says you think I could trust you you know you let me down hundreds and thousands of times are you going to let me down again and I have to really assure it that I won't let it down and then it could start trusting and then the animal Soul could look up to the Divine soul and say wow thank you thank you I never wanted to control life I wanted to allow to allow Hashem to control my life cuz then I'm in Bliss then I could just be a conduit then I can show up for real I never wanted to take over this house it's not my world I wanted to do my job as an animal trying to help you come into the body thank you thank you for actually showing up as a mother and a father you know the worst thing for kids is when they think they have to run the house of course it's nice for three nights but then it's miserable they love when there's a father and a mother who have presents but there's no father and mother who have presents right cuz they're emotionally paralyzed and dead the kids have to make all the decisions of course you eat ice cream at 2:00 in the morning why not of course you eat potato chips for breakfast and for dinner and if you need something nutritious you know a pie of pizza can do it with some cheesecake for dessert of course even if I'm destroying myself but that's how it works cuz that's what I have that's capability you know it's even with food addictions you know I see food I'm stressed the animal s says go eat it's It's A coping mechanism I know in the middle of the day I'm stressed I go to the refrigerator I open it up 10 minutes later I open up the refrigerator again it's always I think what a great man I am that I believe that within 10 minutes Mana fell from heaven and filled up the refrigerator see how people open the refrigerator minute after minute as though thinking some food was created like the Kaneka oil in the refrigerator in the last 5 minutes it shows our amuna but this poor animal Soul it food is a great distraction or whatever it is you why are people sometimes on their phones for hours they're hours somebody told me they were in a restaurant there was a family of five everybody was on their phone throughout dinner it's like you want to talk to your mother send her a text she's not going to answer you just text her but what is it you now everybody's doing good things on their phone you know it's women they're on Amazon they're doing good things they're shopping For Heaven's Sake you're buying your granddaughter's shoes for basm Mitzvah okay it's not a bad thing let's face it I'm not talking about that but why am I obsessive we have to be aware I'm running I'm running I'm running cuz it's very hard to be in Stillness as we spoke last week so now it comes together so Rifka is feeling this the worst thing is the dishonesty I feel so dishonest I feel so inauthentic I just gave a class do I believe anything I said who's this this imposture do I feel anything I said and why am I feeling blah afterwards and like like who am I what am I what's this existence and why the conflict closeness and distance like in a few minutes hasem said I designed the system it's really a choice every single day in which in who who's going to get the steering wheel is it is it going to be the Divine soul is it going to be the animal Soul if it's the Divine Soul the animal Soul needs to be embraced with empathy and compassion and known showing its unique place with a lot of love so that it can surrender the need to be so shut down and a shell and allow the Divine soul to lead with courage and with Grace and with dignity or not or that's going to be very very difficult and then the animal Soul takes over and the Soul goes somewhere into subconscious layers of reality when Rifka hears this she calms down as it defish understands the moment she knows this she knows that even if I'm having a moment in which I feel like I'm shut down or I'm feeling blah it's just a cover up it's just a kipa if you dig a Little Deeper you'll see you're alive you're present you're Divine you're good you're holy you're graceful it's just covered up something is covered up and there's a reason it's covered up there's a fear there's a concern there's a danger it's there and therefore you don't have to surrender to it you can almost embrace it with compassion but no the Divine soul looks like younger it looks like it's not doesn't have the power but ultimately deep down asov wants the direction of Yakov asov wants Yakov to lead deep down asov is craving and hoping that Yakov should be able to understand how powerful and how Godly he or she is and can run the show have a wonderful week