Rebbetzin Bina Poston: Being OK When We Are Not OK

[Music] hey ladies um in the beginning of Exodus shot we are in total we're in Exile okay we also see from Adam harishon and Hava The Descent from the original home in Ganan kicked out exiled okay this is not a depressing story because at the end of the chapter really works out good okay so um while we were in Egypt in the in the unconsciousness of mits there was no stability and there was no home and one of the things that we all want in our lives is to find a home now you could take that to be a physical home you could take it to be the beta M Dash you could take it to be the bit knesset you could take it to be like you know when you grow up you want to get married or whatever you know just what you're building on the inside everybody is looking for a safe space so here we have a situation from the beginning of the Torah with Adam and Eve that they're exiled there ends off your you know whatever and actually the entire Human Experience is born out of that experience okay so um when Adam and Eve were in the garden there was no shame and there was no fear that wasn't happening then now look at Noah Noah built a house when there was no home I want you to see the progression and maybe even the progression in your life okay here's an exiled situation now Noah is he built a house when there was no home the secret of that was that he learned to create a home there it was a temporary home a home away from home okay so um and the T the ark that provided a space of calm and even for our lives that when we go through very difficult times all the stormy things in our lives that that we also need to find a space where we have come where we can be grounded but we can feel like we're safe even though the battle is Raging on the outside coming from every direction but we see this um situation here that in the midst of chaos he was able ble to create a a space for himself and and others okay so our lives really reflect this now we go to leaving the place you thought was home you know you were we were stuck there I'm even talking about Amel we were stuck there or you could take it for your soul sometimes we feel stuck right and you're going to leave a place you're going to be uprooted to get unstuck because you're going somewhere all right being uprooted going towards a home he did not know um where he was going and uh so he he he he had to create a space to build by being in the present moment this is one of the one of the solutions when you're in a situation is in that safe space is to be present do you know what it means anybody has an idea what it means to be present any other thoughts do we have tools that we can use to become present in our lives sitting in the garden sitting in Garden what was that H body dudes like type of meditation contemplation very good very good also so these are these are tools sometimes we may even need to talk to a friend or somebody who has walked through um the things we've walked through and that can facilitate uh direction to bring us in the moment but uh um it's like really like accepting that right now maybe I don't have things together and even that is being present and that takes a lot of Courage it takes a lot of courage to say um I to accept well I have this going on in my life because we would rather just duck for cover put it under the rug but there's a big freedom in that space and it takes a lot of Courage okay so we're at um uh Le so I brought in that uh we build this this space of calm this place one of the ways is being present in the moment and using the momentum that pushed me forward and yearning for home because something something caused me to shift something took me out of my comfort zone and we all know what that's like and there's this yearning for home all of us have it it comes in a different way you may be you may not sometimes consciously think of it but like you go through something and you there's like you ever feel that you want to move on all of us have it inside of us you know hasem has put uh um eternity Olam the whole world is put it in our heart there's something of us that just doesn't sit unless we we go forward and sometimes it's like two steps backwards three steps forward but there's a general momentum that Hashem is trying to bring us to the space that we were before we came down our souls asked for this challenge we came from a very whole space that's what we have in yut in Judaism um and uh our souls chose to come down here to make repairs in our lives and uh because we knew and Hashem knew that we were totally able to go through and to come through on the other side our souls aspir so the thing that's the most trying thing for you in your life right now is a gift from Hashem whether it's your health whether it's your wealth whether it's your Visa we all know what that's like I sat on your side of the story that wasn't in this program 18 years ago so I fully well understood understand this I mean we all have the challenges that are there but um I can say and look the thing in the face and say yeah I have a challenge right now how are you doing barem yes bashem but you don't have to tell everybody your St maybe you have somebody you say but I'm going through this and this is a little challenging for me right now you know some authenticity and being vulnerable and being uh real vulner vulnerability is is power okay so um okay so in schot we are beginning to find a home at the end of this paracha finally and again I wrote that home is where I feel safe I I do not need to question um where things are right I can take my shoes off it's a place of familiarity um Kel shakai you know that name of Hashem enough The God Who is uh enough that that's your home space that's where you came from and that that is really the journey that we're all on and adding some Consciousness to it will um give us a sense of purpose that what we're going through is not uh accident you know when you see your imperfections you could be very hard on yourself some of us and uh and uh okay so um to find that place I'm okay but I'm not okay do you see I'm okay but I see this thing in my life and then I I silence myself I'm just giving an example I'm just saying I I silence myself I become present and I realize that actually this thing that I don't like in myself or this thing that's happening on the ground that I don't like or this relationship that I don't like or this whatever I don't like it's like it's there and I'm okay to say that to myself that I yeah I'm okay I can find that I'm okay in there and it's a work and and and sometimes we we go around the Wilderness till we get there because when things are not going so well you know continuously it could be very discouraging you know like you feel sick or something is going on with you and you don't know what to do with it okay so I have that but that's not the only thing I have I have other things we have other things going on for us or I have this imperfection but that's not all of you that's not all of me okay so I have other I have strengths also so I also have weaknesses and welcome to the to humanity and this is the World At Large okay so there's a place to be kind to yourself um we're not we're not perfect and it's really okay it's really okay okay what was that elak Kakak it's actually elai because we try not we try not to yes you're trying to not pronounce right but you know for teaching purposes it's okay you know but I'm just saying that I said that yeah okay um okay so I wrote again even though I said it we all need that space because we came from there from the womb we came from the womb from Hashem from that Oneness um everyone has a desire to return to the beta mikdash the place where the place where I'm okay everybody has that desire um and the bet mikash in my mind and the BET Dash in my soul mind/ soul uh every body has that desire there's something there that we want to we want to erect this thing inside of us that is safe right you could see the Torah doesn't really mess you could see microcosms macrocosms you talk about building a house or whatever it is house is physical you got the besset you got the beta mikash you got your life as we said it's the whole everything is all connected um okay so in in building the B mikash we're looking for Manuka for rest we want a place to rest okay I can yearn I can yearn for home and it will it will come it's going to come on any level you want to say personal or otherwise um it will come their benefits of Yearning their benefits of wandering of not knowing also we don't have to know everything really I mean we really don't have to know the the destination the journey is plenty and this is what Hashem is going to address us through um in this in this uh chapter at the in the in this book at the end um the mishan is in between Exile and arrival at the B mikdash bet mikdash the mishkan was erected it was a portable thing was portable that's why I said that we're okay but we're not okay it wasn't easy for us when we were out there we had to transport stuff mosha mosha raenu had the whole idea of what how things were going to be done and rightly so but it wasn't a a piece of a you know like an easy thing we were not we were still not home we were not home so um chimote teaches us how to be okay with Exile and G Exile and Redemption from the beginning of the book to the end uh we're still not there yet we are learning to be okay we're not okay the process is being it's called being okay when I'm not okay if I wait to be okay I will not be okay it is about learning to be okay when I'm not okay right um the process described by Rashi on in on schot 4038 um okay so in the beginning of uh schot Exodus 1:9 Israel is addressed as Ben Israel the children of Israel here now I'm going to read this verse it says verse 37 if the cloud did not rise up they would not Journey no when the cloud was raised up from upon the mishkan the children of children of Israel would Journey on all their Journeys if the cloud did not rise up they would not Journey until the day it rose up for the cloud of Hashem would be on the mishan by day and fire would be on it at night before the eyes of all the house of Israel in all their Journeys so we're not using we're not using Ben Israel right we're not now saying the house of Israel we were Ben Israel they were losing their place in the beginning we were in Exile all of a sudden we're a unit House of Israel that's pretty big now he also Rashi also brings out that the the word it says here um the encampment when they would camp with the cloud over them the encampment is the rest place right the encampment is a journey the encampment the rest is a journey they needed to have rest stops because then they'd pick ups again and go on like us pick up yourself and go but it's like he says we're not home yet home rest encampment is is a journey I need to be okay because things do shift it's one long journey I find my rest and I do not do not need to know the destination I connect to Hashem through mitzvot right we are not in Israel yet right here and we're not at the final beta mikdash yet but the whole idea is that he brings out here that it's the word he uses here for the cloud of Hashem would be on the mishan by day and fire would be on it at night before the eyes of all the house of Israel in all their Journeys so can what does it look like when we look at our lives like uh um okay so here is an encampment for us a rest stop and it's like we think that's it right but then there is moving on in all their Journeys and Hashem Rashi brings out he's he was present in the journey because it says it was it was The Cloud of Hashem The Cloud of Hashem was upon us that means Hashem was walking through uh with us on the journey and the journeys so it's not about here's a destination it's about the Derek the way you're going that's the journey we have no no idea how many more Journeys we're going to have but it's like we we go there and it's if you could picture yourself in the framework of the book of schot you could see it what it was like in the beginning with m with the Exile and how now there's a temporary home it's still not the home we haven't reached there yet we're in that like we're in that situation we we want to go home we want to go home and we're not there and then you this is the journey this is the Journey of of all our lives it really really is and um it's really okay um I don't want to say it's okay to not be okay but you can you can be okay when you feel not okay um so this was the essence of the sheer I listened to that I was very inspired by I did prepare some other things but I also wanted to give you a chance to interact share your thoughts your experience around this because I'm I'm I don't know I'm pretty sure all of us are the same in this way that we have things um you know that we have learned or we are questions we need to ask or identification with yeah I can relate to that um or methods of how does one get there or whatever I can't claim to be an ace on anything but um I know for for a few years now I I I feel more aware of how to manage myself when things are not okay and and part of that is accepting how I feel about it and and and embracing it and that's where the courage uh comes um and you know if you catch yourself they say in a funk or in an off mood or or something is not going well I mean if you develop in your in your lifestyle a way to check in with yourself like I would say to myself what's going on for you you know there was a time when I didn't want to see anything but it's like all of a sudden now there's a current pulling all of us at the pace and the direction that we all need for our lives no one being better than the other and so um it's very helpful for me personally when I actually ask check in with myself myself and say uh what's going on for you now and what are you feeling um you know whether it's I'm discouraged or uh you know upset about something or even happy about something yes you know like that and uh um we have to be true to who we are because therein lies the the ability to go forward and to be really who we are and because when the challenge comes it's in your face and you worry about it and it's okay to say yes I to myself I am worried on it now how how can I actually um step back one of the things I brought it to this class before I don't know if all of you were here one of the things that's also very helpful is to become an observer of what you're going through the minute you become an observer of what you're experiencing you put some distance between you and the thing so here is the issue and I'm here and I'm noticing uh what's going on for me there the minute I start to notice what I as an observer um that thing it it loses its power the full power that's true that's true yeah and and and that may be your higher self just standing up and say oh I noticed that you know and I know another tool I I learned Once Upon a Time he said sometimes I I would pretend I haven't done it for a while like I take a chair and I'll put myself across there and I just look at that chair I said what's going on for you no you think I'm like nuts but it really it it really [Music] works yes out of body and sometimes you need to offer yourself uh self-compassion anybody knows what self-compassion is your self what Amy what's I see her nodding her head having love and kindness and patience and understanding and acceptance as much as possible and really when I make a mistake and because of what I learned in childhood and I immediately get mad at myself and what I've been trying to do in my life is to say that's okay then you're really trying and it's good yeah I love what you said about accepting not doing okay I think that's really powerful like it's one of those things that sometimes I don't know if the words like capture because I think there's a lot of depth into what you said in what you said I also had a question for you about I'm Cloud this right now I'm really confused about this because when said M like does that mean like all all of them like who who exactly is that referring to like what you mean the house of Israel oh yeah it's the house of Israel it's speaking about the whole house of Israel that could be a technical question that you could probably save for my husband okay it's a very good question but it could open up a lot of stuff so I want to keep a little bit more focused but I I think it's a very good question but Ain will be able to answer that in a in more in depth she we know Amy and there we know her for a while now so so in the beginning on when I was on my way to Israel it was taking so long for me to get the planed and to go almost years were going fast and I was always so frustrated and I like a please when ago and this RAR Man actually gave me advice he said to me your feet are your home and then when I come to realize that you will always be home so when I heard that I was like okay but I love to get to Israel is the truth of that because I was still searching for him but yeah and I'm like I need to find that in my feet myself yes uh self-compassion also looks like um uh sometimes you could even just give your heart a pet a little a little I'm not turning this into a psychology class but I want to tell you I see the whole integration of the Torah which is psychology 101 for me wow Hashem says to love your neighbor as yourself how if if I don't love myself how am I going to love you that's Psychology 101 right but that's not what it's about but it's really like there's a whole integration of everything and uh there's Freedom there and courage there and love there and a space there and um to be able to tap into it is our privilege and it's actually is inside of all of us already we're just becoming more aware and conscious you know as we go through and it's very often it's the hard things the hard things that come into your life that push you into a space Hashem is raising a a people who can stand children people who can stand and know who they are know who you are like you're made in the image of Hashem and that's not a light thing that's a big space and uh um and we came from that space and we asked to come down here in the Ted in the different things we're in because our souls knew like I said that we were going to make the repairs here and so you know that's what we believe and so it it does take a little bit out of the this takes some of the sting out that we're really going somewhere and this is pictured in in the parha with the whole uh bit about the journeys and um and it was still it was like a Journeys it's but it's one long journey with Journeys and there is a place there to rest and Hashem is with us in that cloud those Clouds Of Glory the cavod you know the cavod is like you know when you stand up and give respect to us you know a you know a a rabbi or an elderly or whatever kavod is like you recognize it means like weight the weight of the other person the weight of Hashem the who he is was over us when we were in that space and um it's very very rich so um I still have a few minutes unless you have comments or questions I can go ahead I have Association when a child is born uh out of the wom comes out also and the form OFA is like a tree with many many ramifications so she said we are we wanted to come to the word and we are connected to this placent to to the whole thing yeah it speaks to me so much because they say it's very important even to um to keep the plac not away uh but we are all born Hospital I I I'm speechless I never quite heard of that before no no it's okay okay a comment okay one of my favorite words uhuh crucial to our to any kind of moving forward yes life and then um we many times we go to the same lesson just because we did not integrate the what we learned exactly you know we want to have the experience we want to understand and then we understand and then you kind of left it behind or you just disip and I guess because we don't have that awareness that we what to do with it now I have it I understand what do I do how do I inter right yeah so very integration is a happening all on its own you get a piece here you get a piece here you get a piece here and there um and all of a sudden it just gels inside of your essence the essence of who you are it just gels and comes together you go like oh all right I understand that you know I I I I could see that um so it's uh it's it's a growing thing too right but there's also that I believe there's also that um awareness part where where you also that you touched upon many times tonight is the acceptance um the acceptance of those parts of us that we would rather get get rid of you know that's also integration I integrate I'm not cutting this part of me I'm integrating and I'm try to do my best to work on it exactly but we do the opposite we we want to C and get rich and become somebody else yes yes so that's integration for me as well right right so integration is an umbrella term that I really love very good so I I'll say one thing there's a motive therapy called ifs internal family systems and that's what their they they one of their um ideas is that it's like we have different parts so when you when I can tell my inner critic is showing up I notice inner critic is showing up and it it puts some the observing part really helps a lot so and I can ask myself what am I needing right now when I'm going through a difficult time what is it that I need when I'm really discouraged when I'm if I'm tired I need to sleep what what is the body asking for and you know or if you get like a headache and you know it's because of tension and you ask yourself like all right what's going on for me these kind of things actually help us to move through and navigate our way through our situations yeah so it can be connected to this what just said to the to the name I think it's slightly like they they wanted to count and see they wanted to count yes they wanted to so on yourself you also do that yeah accountings like we yes this is what that's really what it is yeah right okay so um I was going to uh say something but maybe I won't read it because I know you have another teacher uh soon time really flies isn't it 6:30 so I I'll give you a little thing now um we we have uh in the half Torah about schlomo mik and the building um of the betam mikdash and uh this is the half Torah for this week and the whole idea that he did all the things he had to do right and then it's just something one you know Glory of Hashem fills every everywh but we also see in the par P that uh Moshe completed the work he completed it right um his wisdom was very very important in this um in this whole thing Hashem gave him the wisdom and uh so we see something happens when we complete the work the word used for complete by Moshe rabenu is is uh and I shared this before but it's worth bringing up I mean I shared it in one of the classes I taught here about the word uh remember um okay okay share ASA so this is talking about Shabbat right this is talking about Shabbat but the word that is used about Moshe when he he did all the stuff got got the whole act together everything was ready to go is the same word and I brought it up and I purposely am bringing it up again because I think you know we're right before Shabbat it's something very special um I want to give meaning to uh we say okay one can fully um have rest and make a proper Shabbat when he or she feels yakal he has completed all of the work that needs to be done in this sense the sages teach that the moment Shabbat begins one is to consider it as though there is nothing that remains unfinished or incomplete that one is not merely pausing from work that will need to be continued next week but rather all worldly concerns and burdens have seized and one is completely at peace this is consumate rest and this is the level of bliss and freedom that we are intended to achieve every Shabbat but how is this attitude possible how is one expected to experience such complete rest when the stressors and responsibilities of the work week do not truly vanish simply because the seventh day arrives this is precise what the torah's wording is teaching us as you mentioned before the word call means not only complete but also all all true completion is a state of being unified with all and everything to complete something is not only to finish it but furthermore to make it whole understood this way the verse above would be rendered and God made whole the seventh day his work that he did in other words he completed the cycle throughout the first six days he moved outward so to speak creating multiplicity and darkness but on the seventh day he closed the circle moving back to the essence and reun reunifying everything that had seemed separate and diverse this is a consummation that Shabbat brings now this is very very nice I'll share this part with you called like we sayal complete as we noted in chapters in the chapters before is also the root of the word Kon means Annihilation as well as clo expiry which is commonly used in hdic uh philosophy to refer to kot nefes the expiry of the Soul it is similar to the root kala bride and we explain the correlation of Bride and expiry to be an expression of the Union of Souls that occur at both marriage and at death so you have kot kot anes which is your the soul of somebody past expired but you also have um the word uh kala the bride getting with the bride that that it's like husband and a wife get married and they Inspire into each other you know and and they become like one it's like Union of Souls Union of Souls when a man and woman marry their souls not only complete one another but they expire into one another I don't know what that me expire expire means goes you go into each other you're like together you you whatever it's B merg thank you that's good right you merge with with each other and uh ceasing to be isolated Hashem said it to us in beet for this is the reason a man leaves and he Cleaves and you know what that word for for cleave is Deus you know the word Deus is really cleaving to Hashem the BM TOS you know in in um in they love to use this a lot this word deas it's like it's a beautiful word it is but I believe it is in in the in the Torah I don't know if it's Aramaic but I theas I said theas but it's pronounced deut also but you know how that goes okay you you know how we do the St thing yes all right lost for a moment okay so similarly when one dies the soul leaves the confines of the body and reunites with all the other Souls that had also seemed to have temporarily separated and distinct and become distinct on Shabbat this is our Consciousness our soul returns to its source and reunites with everything therefore in the service that we recite to welcome Shabbat we recite not only the verse cited and God completed on the seventh day but the center point and highlight of the service is a singing of the Le DOI prayer the beginning and refrain of which is come my beloved to meet the bride that greet the face of Shabbat is that when you get extra song from Shabbat right right so here we see that Shabbat is referred to as the kala the bride Our intention As we sing this Mystic prayer is not only that we are welcoming the Shabbat as if it is our most beloved friend and partner but furthermore that we are expiring kala in reunion with all of existence we are are ceasing to be an individual and we are returning to the reality that we are one with everything I mean there's a whole there's a big teaching there with Shabbat you know that is like it's it's why did Hashem give it to us okay so we rest but they're very deep um meanings for what it is and and Judaism tries to tell us through different ways different Avenues but it's at the end of the day it's all one everything is true what you hear yes it's a time of rest it's time of oning but it's also a Time Of Consciousness and contemplation and to know that already you're entering what Hashem has said that Hashem has already blessed it and he's already Sanctified it so you're we're going to get in the program of what is already it already is it's like the Eternal is it has always been and it will always be so we're just raising the levels the level of our Consciousness when we go to Davin in the Sho it's like we D in with cavano in J we want to D in with cavana we just don't want to do it just to pass the conversion test it's like we want to we want to even if we can't maximize and get everything through it's like the little that I bring okay so at least I made it to shma and I can concentrate on shma and at least I can get through the um the or you know at least I can know which where are we reading in the the Paras I'm not lost and so I take my Hebrew English or Hebrew whatever wherever we are at and so everybody so they're reading in Hebrew so I'm reading in English and okay so in the ding I don't know Hebrew so all right so I glance over at the English and then as as I keep going regularly and if they sing especially and that you get the nigon name you actually can move in the language much quicker because you get to know the sound you know but you're the tune and you mean the nigan so it's all about being and having cavana um when we are in SHO attendance um of course sometimes we're tired we've worked and all that but um I'm just saying that uh cavana your intention is everything if you get up in the morning and you intend um to be the best you can do or to do some mits for today mits but to connect you to a shaman to connect with the Oneness of who he is if you start your day that way um and maybe sometimes things don't go well in the day but you already took a step in the right direction to develop your awareness that it's not just routine and business as usual or not just class as usual but hasem is trying to furnace not furnace to furnish us with something that we need that I need in a given day through many many sources whether it's not even people could be the bird outside you know or the lizard that I get freaked out about thank God they don't come to my apartment or you whatever it is it's like everything is one already and and like I brought before that we came from one a space of one it's not a joke it's not just is one but we are one also with him and the journey as we go along is to develop and grow in him where we experience more and more of this Oneness and uh um so anyway um let me just see if I have one more thing to say so at this moment just as God has completed his work at the end of the six days so too I have completed my work and I'm now able to fully rest um as a matter of fact I am not only able to rest in this way but I'm commanded to do so the Mitzvah to rest on Shabbat is not only a directive to seize all work on a deeper level it is an obligation to relinquish all our tension and material concerns and to experience the Shalom the peace and the completeness that the unity of Shabbat brings as we've discussed before Mitzvah is not only a commandment as derived from the root Sav command but its connection deriving from the root Sava which is a bond the reason why we do a bond the reason reason why we do mitzvot it's it's a b it's it's a bond so can you imagine what would happen if you put intention to your Mitzvah I remember I converted now um 18 years well 18 years ago I remember when um I didn't know what I was doing in the beginning but when I would see people doing lighting candles said why do we have to do that why do we have to do that but why do we have to do this and it's okay and sometimes you go forward and you do the things you go on and all of a sudden you understand you know yes it is brought down that's what we do um but the connection be became so deep very quickly that when you know you you have intention I'm lighting candles not stum but this is the way I bring in Shabbat and and what does it mean for me to bring in Shabbat that I I don't um I'm not doing any work um that's forbidden and uh I'm hopefully ushering the space for entering into what Hashem is already given he's already given it and you don't have to put yourself under pressure but I'm so down and out on Shabbat and I so you tellem this is hard for me right now I need some help here or you read that to H him he's not going to he's not going to judge you because you're off mood on a Shabbat he's dka your father you know Bim your Bim of hasem he wants to come to where you are and give you that comfort and he's also giving you that Shabbat so it's not something to be uh um judging yourself and when you're if you find yourself judging yourself harshly just recognize that that's the inner critic showing up to reinforce you and that that's a voice that can be silenced so you know you're aware that oh okay I'm uh you know I'm judg I'm criticizing myself uh oh I'm not I I want to make another turn here I'm going to turn to T or I'm going to turn to something um and go there because I want to hear what Hashem has to say about me and he knows that we we we we we need his help we all need his help and you know there's a in uh in uh um toim David amalik says Hashem is with me through all my helpers Hashem is with you through your adoptive family for conversion through your friends through your teachers through anybody that helps you hasem Hashem is showing you just like the the the cloud over there it's like a it was over them but it was The Cloud of Hashem was over them hashem's over us here and that can't change because he can't uh he says he's not he's not a man he cannot he cannot lie that's what the Book of Numbers says he can't uh he can't lie about who he is so um let's see uh while it may be unreasonable to command someone to relinquish all his or her worries and to thereby experience the feeling that everything is complete when one fully connects to God in his absolute Oneness through the bond the Mitzvah that the Mitzvah creates then his or her worries will vaporize and she or he will experience the true rest that is available to us um even every seven days you know so uh okay I think I think probably I should uh hold unless anybody has a comment or a question because I think your teacher might be coming Penny Hashem yes I like his works very much he he's an anonimous writer but he quotes a lot of the Lua vbi and I like his work very much so yeah any comments or thank you so much you're welcome thank you you're welcome you're welcome and uh thanks for joining us and I hope this was refreshing for you and encouraging it was very refreshing I love it I can relate to all what you said and please come back yes yes yes thank you very much thank you very much I wish you a shabbat shalom also hasem should bless all of us with a wonderful peaceful Shabbat and good rest and maybe be comforted with all the challenges that we have and maybe and maybe hold space for the things that are uncomfortable yes and um how do we say how do we start it it's being okay when we're not okay can okay yes thank you it's very shalom shalom shabbat shalom what's your your name again Vina Vina Vina okay the begin I think they recorded it YouTube by Joseph he didn't give it a name did but it was something I think he put out today oh he [Music] has [Music] oh