0:00 / 0:00
Rebbetzin Abby Lerner - Caring For Klal Yisrael in Times of War
65 views
www.ouisrael.org facebook.com/ouisrael #OUisrael #torah #judaism #torahlectures
Categories:
Torah
Comments(0)
Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
I wanted to explain to you a little bit
of the background of of why we're doing
this conference um or at least from my
perspective okay so um towards the
beginning of the war I was thinking
about you know I work with I work with
oim well specifically with women and I
was thinking like who who how can we
help and who do we need to help because
we don't really have a lot of our people
living in the North and the South a lot
there's not a lot of English speaker ol
Lio though I've met many more than I
thought there would be um and so I
really thought more about like mothers
of hyim wives of
we started going to different
communities um to give like evenings of
support to the mothers of Kim and I
wanted to bring to every evening I would
want to bring like a psych like a
someone in the mental health field I had
this woman who has like a uh she's like
a professional mother of Kim she has her
Facebook group and she's like a blogger
or whatever so her and then of course I
wanted to bring the voice of Torah and I
thought you know I could bring anyone
but I want to bring someone from within
the community because I want these women
to have this person that they're going
to be able to go to who knows what's I
mean God willing everything should go
fine but like I want to make sure that
they have that connection to the Ritson
in their community so that if they need
more support if something happens like
they have that that beginning of a
relationship and in every community that
I went to I asked people there like who
do you think I should ask who's the
reiton of this community who do people
talk to about their issues and in every
place they didn't have an
answer and these are like standard Anglo
communities and they just they were like
I don't really know let me try to I'll
ask somebody else let me think think
right and I thought to myself like how
could this be like I understand that we
live in Israel and you know a lot of
times the Sho might be an Israeli sh we
don't all have to go to English shools
but the fact that nobody knows who to go
to they don't have their like Rabbi and
rabbits and English speaking person that
they connect to that they can go to when
they have issues it's really a problem
and especially right during the time of
War when things are really happening um
and so I've been doing a lot of thinking
and really my end goal is I really would
like to have jlic for adults um all over
Israel like I I think to put a couple no
but but I'm saying not only for the the
younger people but in general in every
Community even if there's not an Anglo
but there should be these are this is
the these this is the couple that's you
know making things like there's also you
know doing activities but also there as
mentors I think it's it's really
important um and
so my goal is really that all of you are
doing amazing things and you all have
your professional life and you're doing
a lot of CLA work but you all also
except for you all live in a community
in Israel but you live in a community in
America and that's also good um you all
live in a community in Israel and they
need you right so when when we talk
about the different issues that we're
going to talk about I want you to think
about it from both perspectives right
from your hat as whatever Seminary or
psych you know where whatever Clinic
you're working in or whatever obviously
you're going to have that hat on as well
but also to think about how can I take
this into my
community um and
because um it's not that there are
people people we don't lack people that
are are qualified to be that person in
every Community but nobody has that
official role and so they don't they
don't feel comfortable even taking on
that role and they don't feel it's their
place right but people need you right so
um we have to figure out how to like
kind of get over that hurdle and I think
part of it will be like if we actually
can make an official position but until
then right the goal is really that I
want you all to feel empowered to be
that person right and we know that um
when we think about the Prototype Jewish
leader right Mosher rinu right he's
great leader right what do we know about
Mosher rinu the first thing that we
really hear about him is right he says
um right he comes he goes out to the
Jewish people and he sees the Egyptian
whipping the Jewish guy and he says he
look he looks both
ways he saw there was no one else there
and then he kills the Egyptian so
there's a lot of different explanations
what's that what is he looking for what
right but one explanation is that he
looked around to see is is there anyone
else who can do this job by she saw
there was no one else there was no one
else that was going to take initiative
and so he jumped in there and he did it
the first thing that he did was that he
looked right he looked he saw he saw
that there was a problem and he said
well if no one else is there I'm going
to take that initiative and we see that
also in the perm story with Esther right
what is Esther
saying test your knowledge here what
ises Esther
saying well before that right she said
she says
um um
right how can I go on right I'm here in
the palace everything's great for me but
how can I live if I see all the
suffering that's happening with my
people and so she takes action and that
is that's really what this conference is
about we're going to give you tools but
the main thing is actually jumping in
there and saying I can do this right if
God forbid right somebody you know
somebody loses a child at War who is
going into the home everyone's going in
but nobody feels like they're the
rabbitson right so obviously and someone
we'll talk about it here later but like
how and how to do it right but but how
do we make sure that there's someone
there that's actually there from the
very first moment and is going to be
with them and he's going to be with them
3 months later and he's going to be
checking in on them right none of us
feel like that's our job so unless it's
our best friend we won't do it right but
the question is anyone else doing it and
so obviously there's a you know a
balance and we don't want to be like you
know invading someone's space but we
also want to make sure that everyone's
needs are really being taken care of
because there is that vacuum and in
America they would just go straight to
the rabbi and riton and they might not
have one here and they might not have a
family Network here so we want be able
to make sure that again it's that it's
that it's that you
know look around obviously if they're if
they have their their circles and they
don't need you you don't need to stick
yourself in there but um if they don't
right we want to make sure that we're
there for them um okay now what we're
talking about today though right now the
topic right now um is on the other hand
right it sometimes it could feel a
little bit daunting right because we are
all very busy right and we're busy with
our own families and we're busy with our
own jobs and then to say let's also take
on this extra thing that I'm going to be
like the rabbitson of the community even
though I'm not right how do we have time
for everything how do we balance
everything um and
um okay the BIOS were supposed to be
here um so I um but reent abar I don't
need a bio for because I just love her
and she is such a role model to me um
and she was been a she was a riton in
America for how many years I gu my
husband started before we were
married Okay so 43 years right so um
she's been dealing maybe not with the
war but she's been dealing for many
years with how do we balance all of our
roles as women right there's so much
that we have to try to juggle um and how
do we do that and she'll talk about it
from a general perspective having been a
community ridon and doing that all the
time um um and also about the war and I
remember just at the beginning of the
war I remember that like everything was
crazy right everyone like remember that
time it was a crazy crazy time and I was
trying to like deal with my own emotions
and then I was trying to deal with all
my kids who are at home and I was trying
to deal with being working at the OU and
figure out what are we supposed to be
doing right now in this situation and
then I was dealing with all the families
that had been displaced and were living
in mitz um sorry I didn't introduce
myself I'm from
mitz um and um and I got very involved
mainly because of my kids cuz my older
kids felt very they didn't have a
purpose you know teenagers were just
sitting at home doing nothing and they
didn't know what they were supposed to
do with themselves so I said let's get
involved let's go help there's so many
families here let's go help them so we
we took on this job to like be arranging
all the meals and all the toys and all
like all these different things for all
the families and um all of a sudden it
was like I was on the phone constantly
it was like such a it was crazy um and
the kids were helping me with some
things but they couldn't really be doing
all the organization and so there was
like this thing how am I dealing with my
kids and this and that like how do I do
all this together so revon ABY learner
is going to help us to figure out how do
we juggle all of our important
responsibilities both in times of war
and in general
um okay so thank you very much okay
first of all I already feel so
comfortable here I feel like I know
everybody and we really I would love to
get that directory out um one of the
reasons why I feel so comfortable is I
heard people who are heading me to Rush
show so for 30 years I taught in Central
yiv University High School for Girls
that's I'm saying to you why I feel so
comfortable because I know all these
schools from the other R of speaking to
our students about where should I go to
school so I know a lot about about the
schools I taught of course called wigel
women in Jewish law for many many years
um and now I do something very
interesting I am involved with gas for
the rabinal Council of America so I
spend many unfortunately starting
probably at about 4 5:00 in the
afternoon speaking with people who need
help regarding their conversion process
and that is beyond fascinating so when
you said midr Rael some of our younger
women have gone there and we're really
very grateful to you so thank you for
that and of course I want to thank deir
for asking me to speak in incredible
amount of work that went into this
conference so really thank
you um going to try to share some
Reflections and experiences that may be
helpful for you here on the front lines
of education and community life in erell
during these extremely trying times and
and we have nobody to look to um you
know who do we look up to who has the
experience with us where we're not only
on the front lines but even historically
it's it's a difficult thing for us to
get someone with the experience that we
need um I think it's very important to
find the point of connection with
communal life here and communal life in
America and the sh in Israel is not the
focal point of communal life as it is in
America and having lived here now for
three and a half years in
katone uh I'm not sure that that's a
good thing and even my some of my isra
friends who've lived here for 40 years
and now move to Jerusalem are also
struggling with the fact that they can't
they can't find a home they can't find a
community they're in jerus as long as we
are moving like from other places it's
it's a very very difficult thing and I
think there are things here um that
Israel can learn from the United States
the in the diaspora and um especially
now that so many people believe it or
not ironically are looking to make
Aliyah and looking for the kinds of
connections that they've been taught to
expect um
in sh and you know outside of Israel and
then you come here and there's like
there's nothing um very very difficult
so I think it's something to pay
attention to as rabbis and rabbits in
the United States we often found
ourselves in communities that we would
not have chosen to live in had we not
been in our rinic rle so this posed
challenges to us as
parents um and we're often not able to
count on the communities we lived in to
model the behavior behaviors that we
wanted for our children so the
challenges for us included elementary
schools that we would not have chosen a
school demographic that meant we had to
check seriously check the kous of
birthday parties and homes where our
children played barn by Mitzvah that
often included dancing and entertainment
that we did not want to expose our
children to codes of dress that did not
meet our Dem
on our girls and I have to tell you one
time and a lot of the more observant
families had the same issue one time my
daughter um had a little friend over and
she comes upstairs they were paying me
she says Abby by the way everybody in
the suburbs first names that's a very
okay that's like Israel Israel too but
not not in other areas of New York Abby
um are you kosher I mean this what she
said yes tly we're kosher you know are
you really religious yes
from like and you know this was part of
what growing up in that Community was
about other people had the same issue
but we you know we had it like on
steroids so these aren't necessarily the
challenge that you know that our
participants here fac today although
somehow I know from my daughters who are
raising children here there was
definitely differences in externals and
how the D Umi Community looks and how
they would want their kids to look even
though I don't think they're like K but
there there were definitely challenges
on the other hand I have to say that
there were many positives uh we and our
children were exposed to amazing
dedicated people who are most eff for
our community and for Yiddish kite and
our children learn to respect all kinds
of people and really love them until
today and even though the day-to-day
standards and lifestyles of the members
of our community often did not look like
our own and I think that living in a
heterogeneous Community helped our
children to develop um independent
standards standards that were not about
peer pressure their own standards things
that we had to talked about so that we
had to speak about it wasn't just going
with the flow because that's what
everybody did and I think that was a
huge positive um but as public communal
figures on both sides of the ocean we
Face several
challenges who are the people who are
walking into our home and spending time
with us as we give to the community and
have all these people over that's one
and number two time
management how are we there for our
community and our students and also
there for our spouses our parents and
our children and it's not just about
time it's about being
emotionally present and available for
our families I'll just tell you one of
our sons-in-law we have four daughters
one of our sons-in-law is very involved
in a Tor there are many young men of
various backgrounds at their shabas
table packed oh it's a quiet chabas but
most say shabas we're having an oeg with
40 guys and was like that's a quiet
chabas so I really I credit these young
men with keeping our grandchildren and
this is something to think about when
you have people in your house they keep
our
grandchildren
grounded open and tolerant even as they
live in their neighborhood boys come in
with earrings long hair tattoos jeans on
chabas and I must say that our
grandchildren take great pride in these
young men they love them exactly as they
are they learn AAS from them and they
also take great pride in in their growth
in Torah and they boast about their
progress and how exciting it was for
them when one of them married a great
niece of mine from one of the Fest most
yish neighborhoods in the New York area
all of a sudden their world had worlds
just merg together and what a lesson it
was for them to see that these worlds
could come together and and and
everybody's
okay um on the other hand let's say if
these boys came to the house and used
language that we would not use or shared
inappropriate
experiences with my teenage
grandchildren one would expect that they
should not and would not be invited back
how do we create that line so I'll share
one small example from you from our own
home so not so long ago uh within the
last 10 years my youngest daughter was a
single adult at time she's here now with
her family in Israel and we had company
for rashash two couples and their adult
children one husband was very very
involved in the Sho and we had been
invited to their home many times don't
we had rules about being invited to
other people's houses like a whole story
but we had been invited to their home
many times at this table this man whom
we knew to be a difficult person in his
dealings with people in the show said
something at my table terribly abusive
to his
wife I said to my husband afterwards I
love this woman by the way I'm still in
touch with her I have a Kus on the phone
with
her but I don't care how many times they
invite us they will not be invited back
to our
table I can't have them here with our
own children present and other people
from the community I mean it was a it it
was ter
of course this lovely woman who was so
dignified was so used to being verbally
abused that she did not even hear what
her husband said right
classic a few years later when she took
courage in hand and divorced him she had
two big kids like in their 20s so brave
and what a model for her children for
her daughters that she took courage in
hand and did this so the community was
in shock because they seemed like the
perfect
couple except my
daughter and us who had been there on
that yto night uh well does she said I
was only waiting she said and
hoping that they would get
divorced so like what do you do with
that like what do you do with that at
you know where are your limits on who's
walking in your house and what's
happening at your table um and now
reaching out to our students in our
community we also we need to ask
ourselves how is this impacting our
family one shabas morning before cell
phones our phone rang and rang shabas
morning well I have to tell you we
finally picked it
up a doctor in our community whose wife
had an order of protection against
against him had been released from jail
on Friday night and was coming home and
she was
terrified there we were at home on
shabus morning she starts at 9: whatever
time this was
7:30 in our bath Roes with our friend
from The Round the Corner an amazing
psychologist coming in after went and
got him and our kids this whole thing is
playing itself and by the way our kids
were in the same classes as her children
and and here this whole thing is playing
out the drama of answering the phone on
chabas morning their beloved neighbor
psychologist coming in his bathrobe this
woman coming over right for years one of
our children were traumatized this is
how it would go yak and I would walk
home from sh together how come you and
ABA are in holding hands no now go go
have a whole explanation and talk to her
about wasn't about to start doing this
as a 10-year-old child right how come
you and ABA AR holding hands from sh we
would have company how come you're
walking next to Mr so and so and aba's
walking next to his wife and you're not
walking next to each
other he all of
this which if I spoke to them now they
would probably talk to me about it's
like right beneath the surface it
happened years ago what dramas with our
students and Neighbors play themselves
out right in our homes what do children
hear you say day on the other end of the
phone what's your tone of voice as
you're talking to somebody what are they
hearing they remember things
forever and they remember they remember
the good stuff too I have told just the
other day I don't know one of my
sons-in-law what'sapp the fil me and
said like okay which women here like
don't do laundry on you know on Ro like
everybody we all do laundry everything
they said but I remember I wrote when
the kids were small I would take them
out I was mock but to take them out for
R
KES he we would go whatever the local
ice cream place whatever okay
great one of my girls writes back EMA I
remember that that was such a cozy
memory I remember we were in
Corville talking about 100 years
ago and and they remember it and it it's
you know it's reflective of their of
their childhood it comes back and of
course I have to say we we admire people
like Kenny Maus I remember those girls
when they were in central those sisters
Le um who opened up her home to the
world but my understanding is is that
those people were not part of the Maas
Family shabas Table that all happened
after after they ate as a family so how
do we manage the balance between
children being intensely proud intensely
proud of the fact that we open our home
to the community as the MAA children
were and still are and the need for
every family for important serious time
together and that you're just not always
on display all the time two moving
experiences regarding time and emotional
presence one of the solutions of our
busy lives in our community was to spend
our summers this phenomenon in America
The Bungalow Colony so for a couple
years we had taught in Camp and we
decided we're going to a bungalow and
this gave our children a chance to be
with a different population because the
co- camps we were at we were still
telling them no we don't dress like this
we you know right so in the Bungalow
they were with a different population
gave us a complete rest rather than
spending our summers preparing in
teaching classes and we were grateful
that we were financially able to spend
our summers in our beloved Bungalow
which is still a cherished memory of our
children and you'll hear why in a minute
one of our goals of surrounding
ourselves with very similar people was
that our children would experience being
like everybody
else and of course our children would
never be like everyone else who had
grown up in very homogeneous
environments because they had already
been exposed at Young ages to many other
kinds of people were much more open and
tolerant than their summer friends but
the Bungalow provided them with chilled
out very un busy parents and my husband
I could just see him sitting on the
porch where the Bungalow there was
nobody near us he would sit and learn
and he didn't care people from schul
could call him all day as long as he was
out there on that porch he was happy
because and we didn't mind we loved our
community I have to tell you but like
walking and shopping was like oh hi you
know a question of this or that in other
words the streets were his office like
there was no and he was fine with it but
he really appreciated the break so once
he was on that porch he didn't care how
many people called it was fine I
remember at the end of the summer on our
way home just before we would make that
last big turn to get to our house our
oldest would say I'm going to cry when I
say
it everybody say goodbye to
Aba we'll see you next summer
ABA now I have to say as one of our
older Rea colleagues once pointed out at
a conference a probab a rabbi probably
sees his children more than any other
father he's usually home for supper he
works in the community he can even get
away to go attend a sitter
playay what was the goodbye to Aba what
was that all
about it's about really being there and
not just at bedtime it's about not being
interrupted in mids sentence by phone
calls it's about long games of football
yes with our girls they were never the
Barbie football that was their thing
they would go out there and play
football with them and laughing and
shrieking
together I'm looking at all of you
working so hard with our
communities our children miss
us they miss our eye
contact while we're paying attention to
everybody else's needs I once read an
article years ago that said that kids
know at the table
which child gets more eye contact than
other
children we never sort out you know who
we do better with but even at a dinner
table there are kids that we don't
realize that we're listening to more
we're looking at more and we're not
there we're often not there for them and
one of the last RCA conferences that we
went to before Co hit Rabbi yway
Jacobson spoke does anybody know Rabbi
why okay if you don't know I'm should
Google him he's delightful
at the end of his talk he told the
rabbis okay so at the end he said you
have to spend time with your
kids I don't mean he said learn with
them although that's very nice he said
but I mean spend real time go out play
ball with them have fun with them and
then he Beed his soul I would never say
this if he didn't say in front of like
200 men at the conference and sprinkling
of women he told us that they were
having trouble with one of their teenage
boys and they took him to a
psychologist the psychologist asked the
boy about his relationship with his
father and Rabbi y why reported that the
child said oh I don't have a
father my father is Rabbi why why
everyone else has him but not
me
I don't have a
fun do your children have a
mother we are the perfect teachers hosts
counselors but how are we when it's just
the kids at
home do we appear to them in the same
way that our students and our community
see our perfect little selves oh EMA
everybody thinks you're just the perfect
person but we
know right one suus I was so stressed
with all the work and cooking that I was
mom is
crazy and I remember
thinking not about the cooking and the
company and fitting 30 people in our
Suka that didn't fit 30
people how are these kids of mine going
to be from if they think they're
preparing for yff in company is so
horrific and I don't really know how but
by the grace of God they survived my ER
insanity but you know what like don't
test them I mean really if you have to
order out I'm not kidding like you have
to do the things that are going to make
you a normal person because the kids are
not going to care and the company's not
going to care it's but they're going to
remember your craziness and I'm just
grateful I don't know maybe they were't
next to I I have no idea why they live
through
that listen to your
family in we have two days of Y to SAR
by the way one seder you're here
visiting one seder one day of is less
stress and it's one of the most
important reasons for making Alli
y it changes your life and this whole
country's attitude to Yanti especially P
I walk out on a griffer m 9:00 AR of yff
and everybody's sitting the Roa I'm like
what you know you like what what is
going on here it's I I you can't imagine
it's like a whole people go on vacation
the week before it pays okay that's just
an aside so as a rabbi family we had
lots of shell we say interesting people
at our table for the sedor sometimes we
had friends from the SHO regular people
but most often we had the people that my
sister calls
dians called D diin the people that
really needed a
place one year when our girls were
already teenagers and my in-laws were in
Israel for PES with my brother-in-law
and
sister-in-law the kids had a
request can we have one Sader alone
alone that sounds so weird like just
like just us
yeah it sounded bizarre it sounded
lonely it sounded awful we
said
okay okay what can I tell you they were
able to say endless beautiful div Torah
without boring the guests we were there
for hours and we were loving every
second of it none of this you know
watching the other people and don't know
what's going on falling asleep as girls
they could sing at the top of their
lungs three different Melodies sometimes
to the words right now you can think of
three melodies for Thea okay we had
three fam million
things we sang our hearts out at the
door
during we swayed in a circle back at the
table for L with our eyes closed
and for a moment I opened up my eyes and
I looked
up and there were tears streaming down
the cheeks of one of my
daughters
IMA thank you so much for this thank you
so
much what price are we paying what price
are our children
okay there's no second Sor here but we
need to find a way to have private
religious family
experiences they are the ones that set
the tone for our future and our families
Futures the families that our children
create at an Outreach convention that we
attended one year a million years ago
there I think it's still in existence
aop the association for Jewish Outreach
professionals um and uh one of the rabim
said with great pride that his wife had
served something like 200 meals over the
course of the days of the and I'm
like okay
great but maybe we need to serve fewer
meals and sing longer songs and have
more important conversations with our
own
children even here in ER with one day of
Y it's Our obligation to figure it out
maybe no company at the lunch meals
maybe no company Onan maybe on chabas
maybe once or twice a month on chabas no
company at
all you've saved the world and what have
we done to our
families we owe it to our families and I
promise you you will never ever be
sorry what was it I think uh senator
Paul tangis I think from Massachusetts
who was very sick as a young man and
died and quoted somebody and said you
know nobody ever died and said oh I wish
I had just spent more time at the
office we're busy all the time with
everyone else we need to set side a time
time aside for our own kir of projects
our families I find that when all the
company leaves my husband and my kids
get my tired adrenaline depleted
self unlike our truly truly truly
cherished company who always see us at
our best and what about us and our
husbands last summer I went with my
adult daughters to Kim for a spa day
okay it was amazing and then we had an
amazing laugh sitting all by herself at
the other end of the dining room was a
friend of one of my daughters a very
very fir woman that she had gone to
school with Camp
has gigantic family about she was about
to move apartments and the summer
program about to start that she runs and
she was there all alone for tun we
couldn't believe it I mean we were so
proud of
her right we always see her as the best
the calmest the most mostes and she had
run away
sometimes that's what we need to do so
that we can be there again for our
families our spouses and our students we
need to heal we need to nourish
ourselves if we're going to give so much
to others we need to replenish and like
we afraid we're such good friends with
her like we didn't want to talk to her
oh hi hi bye okay bye go ahead go like
we we were just afraid to even have a
conversation with
her I'm very proud of one of my
daughters who is a very hardworking
social worker by by the way I'm proud of
her also because she was in a different
career teaching and she changed careers
in her late 30s and I'm this is what she
should have done from kindergarten you
know like and I'm so proud of her that
she did it but now with the war and
theim and the people of the returning
home she is busier than ever she works
in a r besides her own private practice
and she has her own children to be
concerned about it's like you R your own
little clinic going on and at home as we
all do and of course the kids are so
proud of her for her work and the real
help she's providing but let me tell you
what I'm proud of because sometimes at a
day she was working here at the Dan
Panorama with the munim and I am promise
you that at the end of that day she
would call me crime because she needs a
social worker after a day like that by
the way I'm just telling you reg she
said it was a nightmare whatever family
problems they were having exacerbated
Beyond words abuse violent there's like
no place to go it was horrible they say
after a day like this she was a
wreck so what did she do she just said
to me Emma I'm taking off a day and I'm
having my own spa day at home she has a
masseuse that comes to the house the
masseuse came to the house she went to
an exercise trainer she walked alone on
some of her favorite paths
and at the end of the
day she was a mench
again back to herself we need to
seriously consider ways to regularly
nourish ourselves body and spirit Rabbi
Bri witz this morning spoke about our
own pain what we're all dealing with as
we're dealing with everybody else we're
dealing with our own pain our own
anxiety I have to tell you we I'm going
to say his name I don't even care if
it's recorded he's a public figure
around the corner for us lived one of
our dearest friends David pelovitz and
Yakov would always say like that's how
we were able to do it because if we had
a problem in the Sho that we David right
if we are David right and so we had our
own psychologist around the corner and
sometimes you need that I will not say
this out loud I will not give the name
although he did tell us last week that
he announced it to his gigantic sh a few
years ago one of our friends a very
prominent RV who is now retired got up
in his Shool and told everybody that
he's on Lexapro which is a tranquilizer
had his own issues in his life which
were well known and he said I did it I
wanted people in SCH to know that it's
okay okay so we need to think about that
how are we doing ourselves with our own
anxieties and all the stress that we're
dealing with and now you're going to try
to give to somebody else so we were very
proud that he had told us about that and
important for us to think
about every now and then even when the
kids were small thanks to my available
in Lord Z we would go into the city for
one night dinner alone quiet we needed
to sit face to face with each other talk
listen with nobody there no phones and
turn the phones off I want I'm the worst
I really you know RAB Bri said like
don't talk if you don't I'm just telling
you right now I'm very bad okay but the
phones are destroying us I remember at a
talk once right by our Bungalow was
mosha Weinberger from the five towns see
he said in the bungal there he was next
door to us the only people talking to
the children and not on the phone were
the nannies that were brought up with
the families because they weren't
allowed to they were being paid no
mother was talking to a child any mother
with a child was on the phone only the
nannies were not on the phone so I mean
we are killing ourselves we are killing
ourselves with the phones okay so go on
if you can't get away for night go on a
date every now and then go to a
restaurant where you're not going to see
your whole neighborhood or your
students this this is something that we
need to do for ourselves personally and
as a couple to to
refocus and to reinvigorate ourselves
what are we here for what are we doing
how are the kids how are
we and having said all this I want to
conclude with the following we spent an
entire career a good part of our
Lives 45 years for my husband being
there for our friends and our community
and I have to say I don't think the word
balab batim ever crossed our mouth once
we really had an amazing relationship
with our community they really are our
friends but we didn't just
entertain we listened my husband
counselled a lot as Rabbi Bri not
because that's what he went in for he
went in to give shuran but then he
became an excellent counselor just from
the experience and of course I did my
fair share as well and we
taught once I remember our house was
used as a safe haven for one of the
members of our sh who was running away
from her abusive husband in my basement
with her kids they're still married
we're still in touch was Years Ago by
the way Shalom task force people here
she parked her car in my driveway
okay her husband looking for her went
around to every house where he thought
she went and clicked and was waiting for
the lights to flash back just be aware
if you're being a safe haven for
somebody the car needs to go somewhere
else or Park deep in your drive like
where it's not visible that was you know
and then my doorbell was a terrifying
thing okay
um I really cannot imagine
a more fulfilling way of spending one's
life it was the best our children were
part of the project and they also took
great pride not just in the giving but
in the very real relationships that
resulted that are an important part of
our lives and their lives until today
remember when our oldest son-in-law
spent his first shabus at our home he
remarked after our family shabas
lunch I can't believe it I feel like
everyone here is is the rabbi it's like
I'm in a family where everybody is the
rabbi that's how involved our children
were and they still feel connected of
course nothing confidential was ever
ever ever shared with them to this day
they don't know things but they saw a
lot going on and they heard and we still
call our community and we still host
families when they come to Eris from our
show and so in these very very
challenging times there's nothing more
important you can be doing than giving
to your students your community to
CLA we need a lot of
wisdom
Ray
mael and I wish you all of that and it's
F that we'll be able to do all of this
and to contribute to those around us in
times of
[Music]
peace