Rav Doron Perez- Eicha: What are You Mourning for?

Shaneta Zamira indeed we were neighbors with her husband Raelli and her and her wonderful family and we still miss and it's wonderful to be with you. you left out of my CV that I also enjoy a really good cup of coffee which I'm having I made the earlier um yeah also um part of our story that I often point out which sometimes you know is not emphasized indeed our son was killed on October 7th but we only in our own mind became a bererieved family two years later when he was brought back for burial For the first two years, we saw ourselves as a family of a hostage family. For the first 163 days, Daniel we hoped was alive. So for for 5 days, it was called Nutakesher. We just didn't know where he was. We assumed he probably been taken hostage because we couldn't get hold of him and no one in the tank we could get hold of. So those five days, it was sort of a just don't know where the kid is. I remember when the army came to us on the Thursday morning and they sat with us and they said they came to confirm on Thursday morning at 7:30 they can read out this message that we can confirm that we have no idea where your son is uh what's called I said how in the 21st century in a base with more cameras than anywhere almost in the world you have no idea what happened to our son no idea well we know that his tank was found one dead body in the tank belonging to the shooter couldn't get him out and he was buried 10 days later. Daniel and Matan were missing. So all they could tell us after 5 days is we have no idea where he is, which we obviously assumed that he had been taken hostage. About 2 weeks later they confirmed that he had been uh confirmed sorry two weeks later in all probability taken hostage. two and a half weeks later hostage. Um after another three weeks we hoped and prayed uh we hoped that he you know was well and after another three weeks they came to tell us that they found his uniform. We knew that they found a uniform with blood in it and after DNA testing they could confirm that it was his uniform. So we knew that he had been injured. That was a very, very, very hard day because it's obviously hard knowing your son's missing, hard knowing he's been taken hostage, and then hard knowing he's been injured because I always felt that if he survived the first day, he'd be okay. As difficult as would be in my mind's eye, I believed that he's an soldier, an officer. He's a um so to speak, a commodity for a barmanship, I felt that somehow he would survive it. Once I knew that he was at the very least injured, I didn't know how you survived this injured. You didn't know what extent he was injured. Uh we knew there was blood found on the on his shirt. That was very difficult knowing that you now got you know I couldn't I couldn't imagine him as well and healthy. I imagine him as as injured. That was very hard. And then we heard after 163 days that he had been unfortunately killed on October 7th. So 463 days we lived with a hope and prayer that he was alive. Um and even thereafter when we heard that he had been killed. We didn't actually see oursel it's only in retrospect we didn't see oursel as a beried family. Our son didn't have a grave. I mean we had a grave on Mount Herzel. We were one of the few who were lucky in inverted commas to have a grave because we buried his uniform. But his body was still in Gaza. In fact, he was the only one with a grave on Mount Herds with a grave and no body until he came back for burial once in last year. So even during the next year and a half, we didn't really feel we were a bereieved family. We were a family. Yeah, we were we were a ber family, but we' had a funeral, but his body was somewhere in Gaza and we still had Matanas from his tank and many other live hostages. We had our um we had our um um Daniel's body to bring back and we were very much still part of this whole challenge that Amish was going through as as well as with us to bring them back for burial. It's only when Daniel came back for burial and then Itay came back as part of the last deal and then uh Nutra a friend of Daniel's also a tank commander for another tank and then Ran Gilli on the 22nd of January where beets you know thankfully for the first time in 12 years there's no more in Gaza not alive or not deceased for us when Daniel came back and we had the second funeral and then we went about a month later to a meeting of um of um hang on I'm just thinking now goodness one second I think I just made a commitment to something now there's a there's an organization which deals with buried families and I just must check that I'm so as I've said that I think they expect me for a podcast somewhere okay it's not today so I don't have to leave and even it was today I wouldn't be leaving it's fine but as I'm speaking I'll just hang on I just need to check when that is okay thank you for making me nervous um but I'll check when it is So when I had this first meeting with this organization of bereaveved families with other bereaveved families we were sitting next to the Ken family and we both said wow we were a bereaveved family we can start mourning until now we were we were mourning but we were we were trying to bring our son back for burial. Um as my daughter said we were always still trying to do something. We're trying to we were actionorientated. We were looking forward not looking forward with anticipation but we were trying to bring him back for burial. It's only after we managed to bring him back and after he managed the second funeral that you sort of internalize that you actually are in inverted commas only a burden family. And that opened another suga. It's now no more activism for two years. Don't have to worry where his body is. We don't have to try and bring him back. We don't have to check the news the whole time to see, you know, is he part of this deal? Is he not part of this deal? And that I think opens a very different uh part of the nephish and maybe I'm going to speak about this today. It's actually not. I didn't remember what topic I gave mirror. I didn't remember. And I prepared a saw sheet not on the same topic, but I'm going to talk on neither of them now. Um because um I mean it's all connected. It's all connected. So I don't think I'm going to talk on the source sheet. If you behave nicely, maybe I'll I'll I'll say something about it. But I think I'll just I'll talk about this. It's connected to why we mourn. I think that's the topic that I gave. Why Jerusalem is destroyed. I spoke about yesterday. Um I won't speak about it now, I don't think. Um, tishab I'm going to just continue what I was speaking about. Tishab is a very confusing day. I think it's the beta levi which says it's a day of contradictions because we do two things on this day which actually are not connected at all. And this relates to what I went through of trying to be active to change things and to try and accept things that you can't change. You see, the process of mourning is a process of acceptance. It's a process. What is mourning? Mourning is one of the most challenging things because there's nothing you can do about the loss. You have to submit. For me, what was so hard after two years, I'm quite good at doing things. So, I'm always I'm always good in my comfort zone when I'm doing trying to change, trying to impact. That for me is a comfort zone. I often say about myself, I'm more I've always identify more with being a human doing than a human being. I don't know what to be means. What is what does it what does to be mean in the world of this is called we say at the end of it's a world of we don't live in the east where we sit in ashrams and trying to the way we overcome our urge for anger for materialism is living in the material world and in the world of people and dealing with life. We don't sit in ashrams. We don't spend our life in the in the in the in a state of mindfulness doing nothing other than mindfulness. Always seem to me like the biggest waste of time. My wife says you got to be more mindful and say why no because you got to Okay. Why must I be more mindful? If you tell me I need to be more mindful so I can concentrate better on what I'm doing. Oh, I got it. If you want me to be more mindful as a means of me doing things. Oh, now I'm in now I'm in my comfort zone. I meaning I'll concentrate on what I'm doing. Okay, I got it. But why must I go do yoga? Why must I go sit and after 3 seconds I fall asleep? Just seems like the biggest waste of time for me. I'm not saying it is like it's hard enough that you got to sleep and waste time sleeping in order that you can do. My wife says your problem is you waste you think sleep is a waste of time. I said it is a waste of time. It's an absolute waste of time. Now you you have to do it because you know they say in sleep first you got to re you got to regenerate and in your state you also there's all types I mean I'm reading books on why it's important to sleep and I'm trying my best thank you for the therapy session I'm trying my best but like why are you making ideology out of sleeping the next world you got to say you got all the time to rest in the next world this is a world of this is okay you got to be mindful. Okay, I'm happy to be mindful in order to do things better. I'm happy to be connected mind, heart, body, soul with what I'm doing. But if I take doing away from it, what is mindfulness? Why must I be in a state of why? This is a world of being. Sorry, it's a world of doing. I'm happy to be present while I'm doing. Then I remember Shabbat's a day of being. As a rabbi, it's the day of doing more than any other Shabas. I think that's why eventually Sunday came along so rabbis can have a break. Like Shabas for me was the most stressful day as a rabbi. The most stressful day. This is the day of being and I'm supposed to be the rabbi and all I'm doing is thinking of this dasher that draws don't leave this person out my message and that but if I mention this person and don't mention that person and then the before doving and after doving having people for lunch and going back form now now I can rest but wasn't that the day of mindful restfulness y is but what does it mean to be to be in a world of so certain things in life One has to learn and I'm learning that you know to be with things. One of the hardest things in life we have to be with is loss. There's nothing you can do about it. Nothing. This is a state of being. I have to be with this loss. It is so difficult. There's nothing I can do. often if I use a stereotype of men right as you know try to fix things and I've also had to learn another skill in life which I thought I was good at until I got married called empathy what is empathy empathy is not doing anything other than being present yourself and make yourself into a clicky bull just open yourself up to accept. It's a totally different mode. Listening is an act of being. Talking is an act of doing. I talk. I'm expressing. I'm thinking and I'm saying. To listen, I have to matel myself. I just have to be. It's so hard. It doesn't matter what you have to say. Doesn't matter what you think. And it doesn't matter what you think of what the person's saying to you. Doesn't matter. It does not matter at all. If you know the book seven habits of highly effective people there Steven Cvy speaks about when people listen but don't listen. He said most people he said we you know we always taught in school used to be taught in school the three Rs right arithmetic reading and writing. Um today it's something else. It's AI. I don't know what to talk about. I was looking for a pen the other day. A person with a pen. Who carries a pen? some kid. I think in a few years time you have to explain to our children, grandchildren that there was a time that people actually wrote. Really? You held something and you wrote. Wow. It's amazing. Going to come a time in a few years that you're going to tell people there were screens that you actually had to push with your finger, not like blink with your eyes. Really? You actually had to touch the screen. Wow. The times like that? Yeah. Unbelievable. You didn't just look have glasses. You can look this way. No. Yeah. The times that people actually touch screens. Wow. Never mind about writing on the screen. at M. So reading, writing, arithmetic are ways you express yourself. Well, reading is also an element of accepting, but certainly writing and talking is you're expressing yourself. Say Steven Kavan taught us how to listen. He said he teaches a course in university on listening. arguably the hardest skill that there is because to listen you have to tell yourself you have to switch off everything about yourself you know he says when you're listening to people and then you start advising oh yes given I didn't ask you for advice I asked you to listen what do you mean don't you want me to try and help you no so I was just sitting do nothing yeah by listening I'm doing something to learn that skill then you say you know I also went through something like that and the person says I don't care that you went through it I'm talking about me you. He calls it an autobiog auto autobiographical. Oh, yes, I can identify. I But it's not about you. It's about me. Shut up and listen. Yeah, but I can but I don't care about that you went through it as well. I want you to I know that you want to explain to me that you understand me because you went through it. But that's that's fine. Just listen to what I have to say. When you're advising, when you're probing, when you're advising, you're not listening. Empathetic empathic listening is a state of being. where you just have to be with another person and that is so hard. You have to switch yourself off and open yourself up to be like a clable that somebody can pour water into you. Let people share with you and feel that your heart has contained some of their pain. some of what they're going through. It is so hard because you have to not be proactive in the doing sense. You have to be proactive in the being sense. Just open yourself up and be. It is so hard. It is so so I find it very very difficult and I keep having to be. One of the things which has um helped me a lot to understand my wife much better has been the last two and a half years. I've got more empathy than I've ever had for her in my life. I've always had empathy, but I've got much more empathy now because I've seen firsthand the suffering of a mother. And I saw in my wife's suffering and in other mothers, it's different from my suffering. My wife couldn't couldn't she didn't have one moment of manesh for the first 163 days with Danielle we thought was alive in garden not one second of I did and when I reflect why I did because I I realized I was in my comfort zone and what's that do do the moment I started getting anxious the first two nights I couldn't sleep and then I chneled my anxiety into doing and then I'm in my comfort zone. So, every time I was anxious, okay, what are you going to do about it? By the way, it's in general a good a good um coping mechanism of anxiety. When you get concerned about something, what should you do? So, okay, what can I do about it? When you're concerned, I'm worried. Okay. I said, okay, when you when you're a worrier, you need to become a warrior with an A. Do you understand my South African English? When you're worrying, you need to be a warrior. Right? Meaning convert your concern into what you can do about it. What can you Okay, does it help to worry? It doesn't help to worry. Okay, you want to worry, worry. But does it help when I worry? I feel that I'm concerned. Okay, go. If you feel concerned, what can you do about it? What can you do? So for me, whenever I'm worried about something, okay, there's reason to be concerned. what can I do about it? So the moment I realiz, you know what I can do? I can try and bring Daniel back home. I can advocate for him. Is it going to help me to worry about him in Gaza, I realize to myself that if I worry and it paralyzes me, then not only will I not be able to function, I won't be able to help him. So for his sake, for me to be his shal maybe it's your share, what I need to do is get a hold of myself and advocate. I went to every meeting. I traveled wherever I could around the world. I did whatever I could. He was a South African citizen. So between South Africa and Russia living in one places did whatever I could to bring him home. And as as as long as I was in my doing mode, I could channel my concern into action. My wife was unable to do that. She just could not function for the first 163 days. And where the penny dropped with me, so to speak, is during the first shiver when we heard he had been killed. We had the first shiver. So we were on Chabas, we were chatting and I said to her, you know, she'll um you're not supposed to ask them how they're doing. I just you okay? We didn't really have time to talk until then because we were um very very we were busy. Forgive me. Would be better if it was whiskey, but it's fine. Coffee is a good replacement. So, um I said to her, "How you doing?" She said to me something which flawed me because I couldn't have disagreed with her more. She said, "I can't believe that I'm saying it, but I feel relieved." What? Relieved? Daniel's dead? Daniel is dead. And you're relieved? What are you talking about? She said, "You know, let me try and explain it to you. I feel relieved. I now know that he did not suffer. He is not suffering and he will not suffer." Said, "Okay, but we're not going to see him again. We had hope before before we were trying to bring him home. We now know that he's something's changed. You know, he's he's he's dead. And she said, "Let me try and explain it to you. I could cope. I feel I can cope with my pain. I feel that as difficult as mourning is going to be, it's my pain. I could not cope with his pain. I couldn't I could not cope knowing that he is in Gaza and maybe I couldn't cope with it. I could not separate I couldn't and that's when I really wow I could do that. I really could I could separate myself emotionally from Danielle. I asked forgiveness at his grave from him for that. I could not think of him the whole time. I wouldn't have been able to function for him. I had to focus on my comfort zone which is doing. I said, "Let mommy worry about you and I'll try and bring you back. Each one will do their bit." And I realized the reason I was unable not to worry about him in Gaza is I didn't worry about him during his life. I never worried about him. Is he hot? Is he cold? Sh. He hates the cold. I said, "Sh, he's cold, he'll put on a sweater. Why must I worry about him? Is he eating? I don't know. I've got much bigger issues to worry about with my 21-year-old son is he'll eat." So because Shel as a mother was always concerned about him and always sending messages, you're hot, you're cold, you're eating this, you're that he had a very specific diet, which is mainly just like good food. Um, so she was concerned about him in the army because I did not worry about him and I thought he's a big boy, he'll be okay. So therefore, I was able to worry about him less in Gaza because Shirley was always concerned about it during his life in a way that I wasn't as a father. I would talk to D about how many pull-ups he's doing in the army, what's going on, you know, what's going on with the team, leadership issues, where he's, you know, um, but a mother's different. Are you hot? Are you cold? How you feeling? You know, I'm generalizing. And what I like about generalizations is they're generally true. That's why they call generaliz. They're not always true. They're generally true. That's why I found it so hard after October 7th. After October 7th, my focus now was I couldn't bring him home alive. In some ways, it was easier for Shel now because Shel no longer had to worry. when you don't have to worry anymore. Was the first time I saw a little bit of fish. I saw more fish when Daniel was brought back for burial. I said to Sh in December, we were in South Africa and I said, you know, Shell, it's the first time in two years and two months that I feel something's different. It's the first time I've seen you be for a moment. not distracted with a little bit of because now she not only didn't have to worry about her son, whether he was suffering, she didn't have to worry about where his body was in Gaza. I didn't worry about it. I did not worry about it. I put it out my mind. I said, "His nom is in shaman. His body I don't know where it is and uh he's not I don't have to worry about it. Yes, I'm going to try bring him back for burial, but he's not suffering." She couldn't. She just w and she it wasn't the same as when he was hopefully alive, but it was it was a different way. And that's when I realized the following realization. I realized the reason I don't feel the same operatively about Daniel is because Daniel is not my flesh and blood. I did not give birth to Daniel. I contributed some microscopic DNA chromosomes to him. So did my wife. But she also contributed her body, her flesh, her blood. There's a debate in whether a surrogate mother is actually the mother. There's some opinions which say that a surrogate mother is the mother. We don't ask in that way, but we do sometimes when it comes to marriage. Why? Well, yes, she didn't give her DNA, but she gave her heart, her body, her flesh, her blood. Yeah. The real mother gave some DNA in a test tube. Th this mother carried the child for 9 months. Even in there's an issue that if somebody brings up the child didn't even care. Maybe they're the mother because of the heart, the sweat, blood, and tears. So normally the mother is both like the father the contributor of DNA but also the pundak the mother who herself gives her heart body and soul and therefore it's different. I didn't have to cut Daniel's umbilical cord. I mean maybe I cut it but it wasn't mine. The body the the child is actually considered a limb of the mother. It's part of the mother. You have to cut the umbilical cord or umbilical cord. I'm sure you say it in here and it and then I realized that this is different and it gave me an ability to truly empathize because my experiences are different. I suffer in different ways. It's actually been harder for me subsequently when there's nothing that I can do. So where I'm going to with this is mourning empathizing which by the way a lot of mourning is empathizing. That's the reason why when you go into a house of mourning, what you're not supposed to do, speak. No, it's not about you. Doesn't matter how far you travel to be with him. Doesn't matter what you have to say. No one cares. I mean, we care. It's about the morning and what you have to do. Shut up. Turn off all the me me. Go into being mode and open your heart to try and listen and take a whiff a whiff of the suffering in your heart as well to be. Mourning is being. Mourning is being. Mourning is coming to terms with the fact that we've lost something which we that's ir retrievable. Maybe it's retrievable, but in this world it's ir retrievable. There's nothing you can do. The beta lady says that's what morning is about. You come to tishab and we sit on the floor and what do we do? We accept the pain of mourning. By the way, it's hard because we never had a beta mikdash. With a child, you don't need to be aim. You know what you've lost. Nobody needs to explain to you what you've lost. with a parent. No one needs to explain to a m what they've lost. By the way, that's the difference between what say between a person loses parents or siblings or children. The most intense part is right in the beginning because the shock and the loss then over time you learn how to live with it. I sh the temple is different. It happened a long time ago. It happened so long ago that most of us don't even know what we're missing. Now you have to explain to somebody what it was like to have a beta mikdash. But that was like thousands of years ago. We have no clue what it's like to have a beta mdash. That's why what happens is we have to create almost um artificially initiate us into the morning. You know you notice it's the opposite. Normally the most intense when even for one perhaps it's a shiva it's the loss of mut and then the first the funeral and the shiv and after the sha it gets less here it's the other way around with the three weeks points out that the three weeks are like the sh like the year and then we move into the it's like the and then is mish it's the opposite why it's the opposite Because here we have to get you into the mode of reminding you what you've lost. You don't have to remind a child of the loss of their parent and to remind a parent of the loss of their child. But this is a national morning. We mourn about something we didn't even know what it meant that we don't have it. But either way, whether we come into it easing into it like in national morning or intensely into it in personal morning, the Shiva is the same. When we sit on tisha, what are we doing? We are mourning the fact that the temple has been destroyed and there is nothing we can do about it on the one hand. But then on the other hand, what do we do? We fast. I almost could not think of two more different things than morning and fasting. Morners hardly ever fast. You've been to a spar morning house. It's like a feast from beginning caught up. The whole community brings you food. You're not supposed to be fasting. It's hard enough. Some people have a min to fast on a on a yard site, but we don't normally fast. Morning is not fasting. The family sits together, feasts together. Yeah, we don't eat. We're not having meat and wine. We're not celebrating, of course, but we're together as a family. Says the lady, what is fasting? The Rambam says that fasting is what does that mean? Fasting is one of the mechanisms of how we do to sugar. What does it to sugar mean? Change your life. Change your actions. Do things differently. Don't continue as if business as usual. There's a crisis outside. Behave differently. Act differently. Do tou is the constant act of constant proactive change. So what are we doing mishaba? We are fasting for 24 hours. Only other fast other than yipur which is also as we know day of proactive change. By the way there you see with yonipur how fasting the only fast in the got nothing to do with morning. What what does teach us that the happiest day is a happy day. I mean it's hard to celebrate when we're not eating especially as Jews. You know, not eating is hard to celebrate, but it's a day of happiness where Hashem is forgiving us. Hashem is forgiving us. Wow. But it's hard to be super uber duper happy when you're fasting. Okay. But try try and live in a world where Hashem is forgiving you for your sins. What a used to say as a community, Rabbi, don't miss one don't don't wish away one second of your one second. Hashem is cleaning us out. um positively. He's putting us in he's putting on a shas in a tumble dryer in a in a uh a soul washer with all the right detergents and all the right things and every patent you can think of. Our nom is getting cleansed. Our nephish is getting cleansed. So put it on maximum heat for three and a half. I mean don't get these clothes smelling it's just unbelievable. unbelievable today celebration. It's a happy day even though we're fasting. So you see that fasting is connected to tou it's not connected to morning. So what are we doing on tish? We're doing two opposite things. The old I get in life the more I see that life is simply and complicatedly about holding contradictions together. All of life is one big contradiction. The moment you the moment you're alive, you are on your way to death. Life means loss. Love means loss. Even to be born into the world is born into a world of a body and a soul. Can there be two bigger contradictions than that? I think it's the says when you make the end God does Pelle what's the Pelle the Pelle is that the soul depends on the body and how you relieve yourself but how a person relieves themsel have an effect of whether they live or die could you not have a more physical act to determine health and life. You've got this this irreconcilable differences between body and soul. Welcome to the world. The world is living with irreconcilable differences. One of those those very and it's it's balancing different opinions and different um different um parts of the soul in the nephish. One of those mourning and fasting. Mourning says I have to accept this loss and there's nothing I can do about I have to be with it. By the way, one of the things I've learned, you know, one of the most dismissive things you can say to a person in pain, not just in loss in general, is you know, get on with it. You know, say people get on with it. Not just about mourning, somebody's clutching too much, you know, just get on with it. So, I've learned that you can say that, but you got to know what to emphasize. You should say, "Get on with it." Bring it with you. Bring it with you. You can't ever get over the loss of a child. And I don't want to get over it. I never ever want to be okay that I've lost my son and now business as usual. I'm okay. Is that what he meant to me that after one 2 3 years it's like nothing? I never want to get over it. I want to get on with it. Bring it with you. The there forever, but you can live with it. It's not the only thing there is. We mourn the temple every single day and tish, we feel it intensely, but that's not all there is. It's not all there is. It is part of what we have. And the parts of life that are just that we cannot change, we have to accept. That's what mourning is. Mourning is a process of coming to terms with loss. A lost a vision of what you had for yourself, a lost vision of what you thought life would be. And somehow trying to accept it, be with it in all its pain. But the blessing of life is that's not all there is. While we are busy mourning, we're also very hopeful. We fasting We're trying to change the world. We're trying to be better people. We're trying to work on our mid. We're trying to anticipate Hashem's world more. We're trying to do toura. The Jewish people is the unending hopefulness of life. If there's one word that I often say that I think is the antithesis of Judaism, I have to think of one word that for me is the opposite of Judaism. I'd say the word is despair. You don't have to be a follower of or go to leave. To live in God's will as a Jew means there is never ever despair. Never darkness. Oh yeah. Pain. Oh yes. Darkness, challenge, difficulty. Yes. You're not. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And yes. despair, meaninglessness. Never, never, ever, ever. The two lines and I'll end with these two lines. I think I'll end with these two lines. I better be careful cuz I keep say I'll end and I keep going. So, I'm looking at the clock and I do need to end. So, I'll just say I'll bleed it. That's also not good because it is just an easy way out of not doing what you should be doing. So, I shouldn't say that as well. Whenever somebody says bleeder, oh, they're not going to do it. I just say so what do you want me to say? I say yes I will do it not mean you're giving up before right or somebody says I said no no no somebody said are you going to do it yeah I said no no I know that Hashem's good my worries about you not about them you know no everything is in your question is do you want it to happen and if you want it to happen do your best but sometimes I think we say things just to absolve ourselves with full respons responsibility. So the answer is absolutely I will do it bleed as opposed to bleed you understand the difference. So um I'll try my best to finish very soon. Just um just two lines. So what I've tried to share is this. What are we mourning for? To answer the question on the one hand we mourning to be with the pain of the beta mikdash whatever that means the loss of it that we trying to connect with that mourning to be with the loss the loss of living in the world where we don't know but what we're also doing at the same time is doing and that's why we're fasting and you've got these two different things of accepting what you can't change morning and at the same time trying to change it, trying to live with more and with more all the things that we should be doing in connection to Hashem etc. we're doing to so you got to have both. I want to end and say two thoughts each one very very brief 30 seconds to 45 seconds bleed. So the one is the one one line I've said to myself a lot in the last two and a half years is a person has to make a decision who lives in whose world. Does Hashem create us in his image? ly do we create Hashem in our image and bring him into our world on our terms or do we Hashem create us in his image and bring us into his world on his terms and if the case is the latter which of course it is then it's house rules I live in his world and his world is a good world it's a world where he wants the best it's a world of never never despairing even if there is tremendous tremendous Okay. He makes the rules, not me. Secondly, another line I've said a lot. I'll end with this. This I believe never will end with. I will end with this. So, um I actually believe I'm going to end it with So, we celebrated my father's 80th birthday two years ago. It was two or three months. It was 2 months after was 2 months after my uh our son's funeral, first funeral. So, the first time that all the grandchildren were together um since the funeral um and we went to where my parents live and we were having our dinner and just and at the end my sister said what she always says at the end of these meetings, let all the grandchildren come and have a picture with Sabakil. So, all the grandchildren came up and it was clear all of a sudden who was not there, it was Daniel. It was so painful. My wife couldn't stay in the room. She went out and she broke down and I broke down. I was very very difficult. So my sister ran after us and she said to us, you know, um I'm so sorry, Duran. I'm so so sorry. She I wasn't thinking. I don't know. Sorry. I'm really really sorry. And and I said to her, you know, the the right words came to me. I said, you know, you don't need to be sorry. How can we deny Sabil the privilege of having a picture with his grandchildren? But you can't deny us the right to break down and cry. Everyone's got to do what they have to do. And then I just said to her, "That's okay. Don't worry. It's okay. It's so not okay, but it's okay." And that's what life is. That's what tisha is. Life is so not okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay. It's so not okay. We don't have a mikdash. But tell us was bornish. We don't say saddest day of the year. say because with the hope that it's going to be and it's going to be better within and says that the days of all these fasts will be themselves turning to days of so the Jewish view is the Jewish view is it's when you live in Hashem Hamm's world it's okay it's often not okay it's often so not okay but it's okay we live in a world of destruction we live in a world of but we also live in a world of and under every wedding we'll say yes we can live and we can build yes there's a place for the and we'll keep it close to our hearts even in the time of and in the time of remember that out of the will come a because we live in Hashem's world and in Hashem's world uh it's all okay even it's not okay so we face a lot of challenges in Israel and in the world antithenetiz. The good news is it's going to be okay. Look at this.