Torah on Mental Health #2 - Sharing vs. Hoarding, G-d gives one their soul not parents - RC Dalfin

good afternoon Welcome to our second class on Torah mental health we discussed last week the idea of which is the Mind Over Matter which is a very important principle for living a healthy life and although people don't disagree with it the question is how do we get to that position how do we feel comfortable where we're able to control our feelings to harness them Etc this week we'll talk about the next part of the T which is the introduction in the INT in the introduction the the author the author posits the following why is it that we need a book to replace personal conversation and this question is relevant today please mute yourselves Adam please mute yourself and the question is also how how can a book replace how can a book replace a onetoone meeting and the author gives reasons why a book is not adequate to replace personal meetings and he asks this question on himself because he tells the people who used to see him and wanted to continue coming to see him he lived in white Russia that he doesn't have time any longer to see everyone individually so what he's going to do is write a book and in the book he's going to put all the information and since he knows these people therefore he'll address their issues VIs the book The Question Still Remains how is that possible and he he He suggests the following He suggests that we um we understand that the book that he's writing isn't another just another book how do I get out of out to to to uh mute herself on this uh Zoom do you know uh Elana okay just have to ask everybody to hit the left hand the left uh the mute of the left corner down in the left corner I'm going to mute myself sorry I made Noise Okay so so so how is it that his book can communicate therapies of of bettering ourselves improving ourselves refining our character controlling our addictions and all of that when it's only natural for the human being to be to to not be that way so the author says that I understand your question but first he says listen you have to understand each of us has a different soul a different Nish yes we have a Jewish n we have a soul but there are differences and he and he mystically speaking he he he mentions for example The Souls of bet shamai and bet H these are two rabbis and schools of thought in the tal that's constantly arguing with each other one is more stringent usually one's more lenient and the question is why is H bet usually lent thei usually stringent and he says you know why because B Shi comes from what we call gur discipline stringencies toughness and bet H's character is based on their soul which comes from kind benevolence being nice and all of that and both and therefore so B when there's a disagreement in the tal about the C cases that he's inv that b Hill discusses he will tend to be more lenient because that's the sole perspective that Hillel represents and shamai is just the opposite shamai also happens to be for the word sh mean which means to assess to to Val to to to value and when you assess a situation you have to be honest and if it's not good you say it's not good otherwise the assessment is wrong h on the other hand comes with the word behil which means to a bright candle a bright light Hilo sees things with light IL is not being meticulous and assessing and and and judging judging judgment is is sh non-judgmental is H and therefore the author the balatan says this is the reason why no usually will find Hill be more lenient in its rulings and B Shai more stringent how is that relevant to us let's talk about children family friends a father and mother can have have you know children and one is more stringent and one's more you ask well they came from us too and what if both both the parents are compatible in in in in one of the approaches either stringency or lency how is it that they have a CH son or a daughter that displays the opposite character the opposite approach answer is because they have their own soul and their own soul is not created by husband and wife yes they make the baby but the baby Soul comes from a place Which is higher than mother and father of God that's what the says what does the say say there's three Partners in a human being father and mother and God and we understand that God Hashem not just an equal partner Hashem is the kind of deciding partner what do they call that in business you know the the ruling the the one that has more more of the votes you know because Hashem ultimately gives the Nish of a person to the person the parents create the body later in chapter two when we get to that the the the author teaches us a very fascinating Insight even into the soul that parents have an impact on the soul as well but we'll talk about that God willing later for now we understand that the idea of whether a child is more gur or moreid more kind or more or or or lenient or more soft that has nothing to do with the parents it has to do with their soul right now let me just say for the record it doesn't mean to say that a parent cannot create an environment VAV you know even if they themselves are more strict where the child will be given more room to grow and and to feel the love and on and on and on in a way that can can easy up whatever the child's personality is that's true but the kernel the essence of the that's God give so the author says to us that this idea of having a the this idea of having a a soul and and and this idea of of of having different directions in life has to do with has to do with um with the soul so if that's the case how his question is how can I write a book that will answer the questions the the spiritual dilemas that people have in serving God when each one has a different kind of Soul so how can my one book address everyone's issues they have their own soul so to this he says I know you personally and therefore you have been by me you've discussed with me your spiritual dilemas and problems so what I'm going to write about is you because I know who I'm talking to so of course the question is if that's the case the Tanya just just was applicable 200 years ago 225 years ago it's not relevant now and it's not relevant from for when from when after the balat passed on because he didn't know the people so the tradition is Al saw everyone's Soul when he wrote T what's the idea the idea is that he he saw because he was on such a spiritual level of godliness the makeup of Souls and when you and you when you see the makeup of souls you see all kinds of souls so when you when you write a book about souls how how the how it interplays with the body and and the and the human being and the psyche and mental health he's included in in there so you're right he didn't know Elana you and AD you and me because we're living today and we didn't see him right but he knows the soul from from the soul in other words he knew the soul because he knew the soul Not My Soul Your Soul he knew the idea of a soul and since he knew the idea of a soul therefore souls are all you know are all in a sense the same in the same meaning they're Soul like right so someone who is it's it's like saying someone you know you're a social worker and and things like that and and you know you know people you study people you you listen to people so generally you can give advice to people who have issues positive issues negative issues questions and all that but you didn't have met them they come to you for the first time how could you help them because you you understand the human psyche so the same is with the balat time but that's not what I wanted to talk about today what I wanted to talk about for the idea of hoarding and why this is uh why like I I'm writing on my caption for this uh Shear no hoarding and yes to to giving to sharing lots of people will say they share and they share and they share but when push comes to shove they don't share and if they share it's for the purpose is what can I get out of it and this is in a way human nature we think first about ourselves and everyone else a second so it's hard to truly share but one thing's for sure and as he says over here in the introduction when you have information when you have a trait when you have a talent that others don't have and they ask you to share with them don't hoard it for yourself he says it here in the introduction in regard to finding the answer to one's problem in the book he says I put it into the book but what if you aren't able to see the advice for your particular spiritual malady in the book he sends them to the Elders of the community and he says they have been seasoned in understanding what I'm getting at and therefore ask them to help you find a particular advice and solution for your particular spiritual problem and then he says I don't want you to to reject them and say go to someone else I don't have time for you on and on or worst case scenario I don't really know he says this is called shius Che false modesty which you know it's the ultimate of ego is false modesty really you know and and boy do you believe you know and boy do you believe that you're the center of the universe in this particular field because who else is knows as much as you do in this field right but yet when you're lazy and you're not willing for whatever other reason you find an excuse as we say in good old yish AB you know and you say no no there's someone else who knows this better so for someone come someone comes to you and says do me a favor you're you're you're a famous pianist you play so beautifully at the piano we're having a fundraiser for the Sho could you do us a volunteer and do us a favor and play for the Sho so it'll be more pleasant that people feel better about contributing and all that and you say no no no no don't there's people that can play much better I play but I don't play you know you don't say I I I would like to play right I would like to play but I don't have the time if that's the true a true reason and let us learn from M right M what does it say in he says um says I he was the greatest human being the most modest on the face of the Earth so Kaz the sages teach how what what did his humility consist of his humility consisted of the following that he recognized his talents and he recognized that God spoke to him and he spoke to God okay he had a he had a direct line to Hashem but nevertheless said you know if God if Hashem would give another person like me the same the same talents he would be better than me that's humility you recognize who you are you don't you don't deny with false F false modesty who you are but you but you also acknowledge that you were lucky you were chosen to be that that person you know to to do that but not that you deny the the truth so in the same vein it's with this idea of sharing versus hoarding hoarders are people who are very selfish and there are plenty of people that way and sometimes it's not even this gross selfishness it's a very refined selfishness but it's selfishness at the end of the day you're thinking about yourself so the author here says listen I'm he's giving a a warning and and cautioning these Elders he says I don't want you to practice this false modesty because it's wrong and when someone comes to you and says says I cannot find the solution for my spiritual problem in the Tanya I ask you to help me then roll up your sleeves put everything aside and if you can't do it now make up a time when you can and help them see by by the fact that you're that you're you know not wanting to help it means you're thinking about yourself so it's exactly it's selfish you're always thinking about yourself the whole idea of selflessness versus selfishness is not to think about yourself and this is by the way a fundamental Concept in Jewish thought in in mus and particularism and in in kabad philosophy to to to always be honest with yourself truthful and again sometimes we're not ready to do something something sometimes we're not ready to share but at least acknowledge that I'm not ready and yes I'm stuck you know but don't make yourself holier than thou that you are you are this uh you know this this this deep great person and everything else and that's the way you want people to think about you but nevertheless you you uh you you don't don't share and you find excuses and you think you're pulling the rub the wool over over their eyes so this is the concept of hoarding that's what we mean by hoarding hoarding literally people say hoarding means someone is a hoarder they they you go into their house and you can't walk because there's every paper and every this and they're always bringing everything into themselves and unfortunately um I don't know how in Cincinnati but uh out here in Brooklyn I I've seen hoarders you know there are hoarders and and some of them you know are considered mentally unstable that's also so true and and it's something that again if it's a a condition that needs a medicine and you know so be it but but for people that are healthy overall this idea of being able to give and to share and not and not just think about yourself and not just board and not just me me me thinking about that concept of you know being being being uh generous and being giving the they tell a story of of um a Jew came to aidic rebi and the Jew was in his own right a big scholar and the Jew went went into the study hall to the sh the Bas medish and people were trampling over him weren't giving him the respect so he got upset he went to the rabbi the rebba and he said rebba I can't take this anymore like wh why why am I getting this treatment so the rebba said to to him what do you expect since you spread yourself all over the sh when wherever one steps is stepping on you if you were to not spread yourself all over then there would be place for people to step and it wouldn't be on you and I think it's it's a it's a a story and an anecdote and it's a life lesson and it's relevant to us in this context when we extend ourselves all over and we think we're right and you know always right can't be wrong and people are going to step on us it's expect it's not not expected and it's the exception it's the rule you will be stepped on because people don't think you're people don't feel your way and you've convinced yourself that your way of thinking and your way of feeling and your way of Behaving is the only way you're going to get stepped on and that's an expect an expected Behavior so if you don't want to be you don't want to be stepped on deflate your ego and give room for someone else so sharing versus hoarding is the difference between deflation of ego or being compass with ego and this is very important and and it's hard for people to listen hear it because it's it's natural for us not to think we're not egotistical we're not you know uh full of ourselves no we're we're we're modest we try to be modest the truth is trying to be modest is is a beginning but if you if you stop and think about like I said before that Hashem is the main partner in the creation of the human being how can you how can you have an ego you're you wouldn't be here but my parents made me here who made your parents and go back to the beginning who made the world who made everybody anything and everything it's God almighty so when we take the time to allow ourselves to to accept that and we understand it and then we work with it we're able to overcome hoarding and be more sharing um less five minutes uh four minutes any Lana would you like to say something or questions or comments don't hear you you can unmute yourself and talk go ahead thank you for this wonderful definition of hoarding I thought you were going to actually speak about hoarding which is is an illness but I liked how you you bridged that into the other way of hoarding of not sharing the knowledge and the uh talents we have when that's exactly the Nea right now I'm working on how do I promote what I can do without Feeling burdened by feeling I'm having to be showing off or pushy Etc there's also you know that that that line of I need to promote what I'm doing so people know they can find me and I feeling kind of a little resentful why do I have to do this I'm tired I don't want want have to promote it's such a drag I'm just always always having to promote being a self-employed you know person but I like this idea of maybe I can change my attitude into want to share even if I'm just sharing today one drop more it's I'm not hoarding so I like that that gives me K to sort of relook at my feeling have to share right and by the way most people from the top are promoting themselves most I I really I really relate to what you're saying because I'm in a way in the same same place but that's the way life is that's the way life is and you know and there's nothing to be resentful about because what you're offering is something important for others but the way the world works is we need to make it make it known without doesn't mean you know it's not ego it's just people don't know about this class if another hundred people will know about it there'll be some more people attending right so is this should I feel um you know egotistical that I'm that I want other people to join the class no because we're learning together we're talking together we're growing together so on the contrary I feel like it's it's it's it's for the people's betterment but it takes it takes sending out a WhatsApp and talking and messaging and once and twice that's the way it is that's the way it is it it takes effort to promote them part get is tired so but that's that that's another discussion pacing oneself right pacing oneself right we we'll hopefully one day on thank you thank you for that for that insight you're welcome Elana anything you would like to say I think sometimes generous people and end up with a lot of stuff maybe it's not hoarding maybe there this is a different sense of the word hoarding but um you mean to say that they they they give too much of themselves is that what you're referring to um I was even thinking in the physical sense of having too much material stuff but they want to be generous with it okay and so what what's holding them back they are you know I'm not saying something that's holding a person back but a person can have both can have a lot of stuff and be generous right right and that's ultimately the goal to do both okay very well we will uh God willing uh talk again and learn again next uh next Monday have a great day everyone and only a good week Shalom and all the best bye bye take care bye