Should we compromise our Chasidishkeit bc others including spouses don't agree? Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

we're in middle of uh we're middle of Tanya please mute yourself we're in P it's the fifth Che and we haven't even covered half of this P we're explaining it elaborately we're trying to at least and we're now on page um on page nun Zan after the semic in the middle of the page the full colon the colon in in middle of the page V so the AL explained to us that as long as you have it's called a complete there's nothing lacking in the avoid although in the heart you don't have palpitations of love and all for God says that the criteria as set by Hashem by God in the T is you need to be a servant a servant of God and a servant has as the fundamental element so if you have even though you don't you're not excited about it you don't like it but you do because you know this is your master and you serve your master you are called that's an amazing thought and remember his last word on page 112 is a it's not just an a someone says Ah you you're serving God but it's Half Baked you don't really mean it you don't feel it turn to this P chapter show them the words that the AL says if you have the a is a from the word Shalom complete whole peaceful now let's continue so middle page even someone who doesn't feel in his mind his and in his thought any feeling a marish the word regish has no feeling has no fear and no embarrassment he has no right away kind of justifies why not you're a you're a Jew you like you serve hem you do what he wants but you don't feel it says in a way it's not your fault because it's this isn't so uh so um complimentary but it's necessary to know your soul comes from the low the the low level of uh of of AIA let's just leave it at that you don't come your soul is not from the highest Souls you're from the lower Souls you're still a good soul but the reason why Ain the Mish is because you're not wired this way and I I said yes yesterday a similar idea if you don't have a brain to to delve deeply into meditative cidic thought you could fetch from today till tomorrow and you still won't understand it as deep it it it that is something that has to do with your Mo the physical brain here he's not talking about the physical brain he's talking about where does your Nish come from now you you you ask the average person how do I know where my soul comes from so the AL says if you work hard in serving God and you still don't have that regish and it reminds me of our conversation a year ago with with iser why don't you have that Rish it could be that you're the it could be I'm not going to go say I know any and anyone tells you they know they're they're foolish but it could be that's what he says here that you come me me look at the it sounds very uh derogatory but it's not derogatory it means you come from a place where the is in the lower level of a okay and therefore you're incapable of having a reggish just from serving God says okay nevertheless that you don't have this awesome feeling since you intended through your through your service to serve the king here changes from the words a to Aura in a way a is even more means complete it's finished it's a complete it's a finished so again the AL is is comforting the servant the IIT don't for a moment think that you're lacking something and that you're not good enough inadequate that's that's what that's very very important you talk about a sense of of selfish esteem H this chapter boosts your H your self-esteem it doesn't poo poo it as long as you give as much as you can and as as long as your foundation is c i do what hasem wants let's continue key the question is why now this is a very important Point very important this line because the idea of a and the idea of service are considered two separate mitz in the county the 63 one does not hold back the other wow there's yusem that's a Mitzvah and then there's a Mitzvah serve God says the they're two separate MIT and if you do and you're still lacking you've done a complete V you don't have G yet but as far as what abouta what about probably AA as well he doesn't mention it here and it's a good point to look at and hopefully maybe shabas get a chance to look at that so thank you for bringing that up but right now he just says Yus I don't want to I don't want to say until I I I check it out the Mitzvah of Y right y we explained yesterday maybe this is an explanation that AA brings along with itself more the self the eye I love I feel in y the eye is suspended scared what do you mean I'm scared why are you scared because that person or that item scares you and humbles you so the U is suspended the U is squashed in the notion of AA the U is very much potent so that's possibly why he doesn't say a here because we're here we're talking about both activities of suspension of ego one is y and one is avod and he says that both are two separate things and the two two separate Mitzvah in the counting the 63 Mitzvah in other words when you look at the and says and he and God You Shall Serve it doesn't say there you must serve him with fear it doesn't say that just work let's go back to the mus of the that have brought in yet in in earlier on this page the ax plows the field the the ax likes it the ax doesn't like it the ax feels the ax excuse me stinks it makes no difference it plows it moves it accomplishes aod the ax does know he doesn't know he likes his boss he doesn't like his boss he wakes up in a good mood he has fear he doesn't have fear that's a different equation all altoe so to in the n yes go ahead go ahead no so it seems like that that the year will be according to to the alar I mean some people will not be able to to perform that mitzah no it uh you will be able to question this to what degree you're right to have the year of OFW taught us many times in this first section it's not to us but a rud ment and basic idea of Y of course but but but if you're but says that that you're you're you're sh it comes from a certain point if your sh comes from that lowly point then it's not capable it's not capable of having the strong heart palpitations that you know of of of of but but but a rudimentary basic yearo basic fear you're SC you're basic SC you know I'm Hashem says don't do this otherwise you're punished I'm just saying and you're scared like you're scared to pass a red light you'll get a ticket or you know you'll end up paying a big fee or or or or you know you're scared simply that's why he brought I think earlyer it might bring it again the says his your can be a a ofam but you're a ofam to all of us the fearful man the right so that is a a basic but nevertheless that's ER of some form but it's still separate than a a means working a doesn't mean that's what he's saying here in t in other words like this yeah one one second one second in other words like this must it be this is the the thought that we should think about must it be that the reason I serve God the reason I'm an oid the reason I'm a servant of a master is because I have you know these great feelings of OB of of of awe and fear for my master no as long as you have Caba soil the basic rudimentary idea of accepting the Yoke this is my master and I need to do not because my master pays me not because my M my master uh will hit me but but the the basic sense of of of of of of he's my master and that's what drives you the second element is that he's my master and a if I don't do what my master wants I'm going to get a patch I'm not going to get my wages that is not the higher level of Y that's the lowest level of it says the fear of punishment the fear of the strap is the lowest and we see it today with children and students I'm going to punish you and and and and you know and and we've come to a point where that's really in a sense almost outdated you know this you know hitting for sure but even you know what I'm saying the emphasizing the the the yeara doesn't work it doesn't work as much you know we we still come from a time maybe it worked I mean some of you you know the 60s that's where the Rebellion started but you know it's it's really dissipated in in all communities yes Y what do you want to say Y in yeah in this case in this case specifically could be in also but is a and a the same thing is the difference um it's the same thing if you mean by in other words you learn you're told to put on you don't understand why you don't understand its significance you don't know the reason but you were told by your P by your father by your rebi by your teacher by m puts on I accept upon myself as a Jewish man of 13 to put on so if if that's what you mean by a the answer is yes so I I would say that the the the core element that we're identifying as is what we call before we talk about the mitz that's called mitzz before mitz I accept God as my master ainu Malu there's ainu that's a AA relationship then there Mal the Mal relationship and the whole day about he's my king let's continue now says actually you also fulfill somehow theah through having you also truth truthfully are fulfilling all along the said that this is not what we call foolish cabal it's smart this is my own words smart cabal meaning it's a cabal that in your mind you say I don't know what God is but I know that he's so special and and God is so significant that I agree to to follow him so and that's called this right me means heart palpitations okay that we don't have but the argues everyone can have even if you come from the level of AIA see that's what I want to correct you I want to make sure you understand the level of of of of of a was only to exclude I believe the the higher level of but the I that hey it's it's the correct thing to fear God I don't feel God yet but I know that that that it it's right it makes sense now yet now there's a gap between the making sense in the in Mak to feeling in the heart that's the difference between the B and the says the fact that this Jew has look and says I'll prove it to you cuz at this very moment he has the fear of God upon him him at least as much as as it fears a human being head yet of of a simple man and he he in other words someone who A Simple Man head yet he's not a Mel when he looks at you and he sees what you're doing you hide right we don't want people to see our stuff we hide whether we hide it you know from from announcing to everyone we cheated on our taxes one second or whatever else so that's called sha H you hi says this moment when you accept you have at least that amount of that's that's also called a form of I quoted this to you before he tells the students may it be the will of God that the awe the fear of God should be upon you like the fear of a human being at least that you should have student students how do we know when a person does commit a sin what does the person say I hope no one saw what I did so that's that's I'm scared for people to see me however this type of that would discussing now that's what I told you before it's called the lower level of we also call it the fear of sin I'm scared of the punishment teaches us that needs to preed then we have the higher level is not about I'm scared I'm going to get a PCH and a punishment I'm scared of the embarrassment hey you know I'm I'm I'm a person who comes to Sho I I I do what I do I'm I'm a doctor I'm this or that it's it's tski Rab tski in his books uses the word that I for years since I saw it I love it in yish as pit it means this is not befitting and tski says that's how his father raised him in Milwaukee he didn't tell him AB you know if you're going to go and hang out with girls you know this is against our family tradition and you're going to get punished he didn't tell him that he told him you know what family you come from you come from the horim you come from the balat you come from the M you come from such they AEM and and and if you come from them you know this is think about what you're doing so that's called looking to to to find find the the the healthy embarrassment it's not the way we think sometimes you know guilt it's not guilt guilt is negative it's not guilt it's a healthy consciousness of bushes you know who you are you're you're you're you're You're Made Of better quality it's a humility yes let me let me um someone wanted to ask something uh yes is Sir go ahead well this this raises a question for me because maybe it's less common now but certainly there were periods of time in the United States when it was more common yeah and I know individuals who specifically asked of sck I work I'm a lawyer and you know in order for me to appear presentable in court before my client and before the judge and do I need to wear yamaka I want to be clean shaving or they shave their in SPH so on the other and balance that with why are you working parosa I'm I'm working when I go to work in order to give sodaka support my family send my children to Yeshiva so on the one hand your parasa is is all for the sake of a Mitzvah or mitv but on the other hand now your hiding or your your year of Adam is greater than your you hear the question uh I don't hear the question yet I hear I hear I understand I hear everything but the question what's the question it seems a it seems like a s that you're losing you're losing the Mitzvah of you say you're going to to work in order to but at the same time you're putting your above your hasem so how could it be okay okay you can say that about you can say also it goes out you know where it's not you know goes out to go and you know he's affect his children are going to be affected by the surroundings right but on the other hand he's going to car so it's I hear what he's say I hear what okay so in no way shape or form since he mentioned I I'll talk about that and the re intended for a moment that the or his children or grandchildren will fall one Les than they were in in in in in crits or Y if they do don't blame the has nothing to do with right right it it that's right it has nothing to do with exactly one second one second the fact is there's two shus again since you brought it up it's off topic but we'll just for a moment take the time there's two Shas The yis don't wear a yamak many of them in public Bish the syrians don't wear yamak in public you're going to say they don't have Gus Hashem that's their Tradition now you're talking so so as far as if that's their tradition it's not even it's not a question that's their tradition you want you want to understand it you have to go back wait wait I'm talking about people right right right okay I'm I'm getting there is I know is I'm getting there let me let me finish okay I I got it so so those that are not that way that the ones you're talking about if you ask if you ask most yay people re anyone they'll tell you it is a cop out it is a sell out okay and and someone who's honest will admit it someone who's not honest will will will will will'll fake it we'll argue right but but the the the the the rudimentary level of means you have to wear yamaka someone who doesn't wear his yamak outside although he was raised that way in his from I'm not sure if he would not qualify for what the AL says here the basic level of Yus hasem because because he does Fear Hashem he just feels he needs the parosa he needs the sh I mean this issue with the with the with the sh with beards was by the rebba the 50s and 60 and by others too but you can look in The igis KES this was a common issue and the re encouraged them and brought the zo and said it's impossible that you won't find a sh because you take your beard off and on and on but there were they just in my research just yesterday someone told me this R came from Lithuania he came here took his beard off and there were hundreds of them so A's going to say yes that that's a downgrade um at that time you know you know a lot of theim a lot of the people felt that the culture is so is so anti- uh FR and beard and all that that it would only lead to what they they thought it's a that was the argument they used it's a so I had a rebi was born in 1916 here in Brooklyn and he he went to uh Poland to learn in theaba two weeks later in 1939 the war broke out he came back miraculously him and his friends they came back and they already started to grow a beard when they were Tas in the 30s they they didn't have a beard almost no had a beard he comes back he becomes moread more laich he learns he starts growing his beard and he told us I'm telling you what he told us he used I told you this once he used to walk in the streets here in Brooklyn whatever Brownsville and they used to honk not the go the Eden used to honk like you're a Sig hey goat get out of the way there's a there's a story by S that a woman came to him on shabas he was wearing a sh and she accosted him and said you should be ashamed to to walk in the streets like that and he said just wait there'll be a day when people will be ashamed to walk without one right right okay but I so so therefore you know we have to be very careful you know iser from you know casting the spell of oh you're such a hypocrite you're such a faker you know where's yish K if you're a a real yid what are you taking off your yamaka in the in in in the workplace and and and finally and finally a lot of a lot of people I'm not saying all but a lot of the people who do that who are not sard and not you know Yas and all that you know a lot of them don't even know better there a lot of people don't know better they weren't raised this way okay um so it's but but indeed if someone doesn't have so what what I'm answering you is I'm not convinced that all those that you refer to is a violation of this they don't even have this basic amount of years hasem I'm not convinced but if they don't they don't and they need to work on it what I rather take out of this section of Tanya is what about myself I have the beard I learned in Yeshiva I went toin and do I have the level of Yem that I should that's what I walk away with but but I understand I I understand your point and that's why it's a question for Rabon and masim and uh you know and and and and and you see there are different people who get different pieces of advice what about let's say your wife okay a wife doesn't want her husband to to grow a beard a wife doesn't want the husband to wear yamaka what do you do what do you do do you make a shom bias issue yeah you you I know maybe somebody I I'm sorry I didn't mean to to implicate anyone here I'm just talking about it out loud you know it you know I'm saying these these isues have to be looked at it's not just one blanket thing that I'm a and I'm a and I go to sh and all of that and and and and you know I should be wearing a beard I should be having my tit sticking out on and on it's very nice but you need to also think about a spouse and ultimately ultimately and I told you this years ago I know someone who at the time wasn't from and he decided to grow his beard to his poic it looked like a of the AL but probably has a beard as long as my sh BR right a a beautiful a beautiful long beard right M's beard is long as it is and it's curled up right it's rolled up right and here he is he's not fully from and I know and his wife was so ignorant knew nothing about Judaism and I I was learning with him and I was saying to myself this is going to cause such a shom bias issue and I asked him one day how do you how does your wife relate to your beard I mean I wouldn't I would kick you out of the house and from talking to him and learning with him I understood it's because she respected him and if you respect the person and this is something that the person feels very strongly about and and and does it with a a sensitivity and not a an aggressiveness and lets the beard grow and looks the way they look but but but there's a respect it it went over without a problem you imagine a a Jewish American chap as they say Excuse excuse the the derogatory term that all the Liberals should forgive me and not throw stones at me okay is is married to a guy who decides to grow his beard to his poic and she doesn't throw him out of the house on the contrary she respects him she goes to all restaurants in Manhattan and in LA and all shows with a guy who has such a beard before beards were in before it was you know North Williamsburg um yuppies wearing beards okay what's theot what's the respect and the ca is the respect and I think that's what we should put our energy on not not on the not on the other on the other thing the respect between each other and when you respect each other everything will go because you know that this person my husband my wife my friend my Rabbi my if they're doing it they mean it and if you you know people melt for the truth when you see the truth and you hear and feel truth you melt away of course this you're always going to have paks disrespectful o vulgar people who say go shower and you know you're so unclean and go trim yourself and all that that's the world we live in but those are the exception that you know I'm not talking about those vulgar people who are just Yaks it's a different the average person religious and not religious will come to appreciate it you know I heard mes freed me years ago say you know when a Jew starts this this maybe it's along the lines of Israel what you're saying when a Jew starts playing and saying oh uh you're right maybe I should come here I should dress a certain way do something to make the go or or the or the CRA accept me more they accept you less when you stand up with your and look at I've run towards your blessed memory really I I look at him as an example what a kesem a full beard with a his frock okay maybe it wasn't always black it was gray but he wore a long C every day cuz he was a from the son of of rebi and grandfather right and look at the respected Commander because not just because he was a you know a top-notch psychiatrist and the world's you know science thinker and all that those was are all because he was a a respectful person and that's the so I think we'll stop now this is an important discussion that we had now and um yeah so is there you know I can't give you a blanket answer to your to your dilemma it's not that way it it it's a very customized and individualized when you had a few you're sitting together you put your hand around your friend and you say hey hey hey okay but that's you in private with lots of love and lots of togetherness but uh you know yes uh Hill I just want to share a quick beard story for my family along these lines that my um my grandfather for whom I was named and his brother they did hasaka work in Canada and they were once on a train now they're used to I don't know if they're still is but there was a brand of cough drops in America called Smith Brothers and pictures of men with long beards yeah so one time uh so one time they got on a train and somebody said out loud look there go the Smith Brothers so my grandfather and his brother they didn't really know what they were talking about so they said to them uh strongly they said if we're the Smith Brothers You're The anti-smith Brothers for the story you know yeah that's the way it is like you know oh the Amish are okay but the no no no no no they're fanatic but the Amish are okay Z everyone love you all see you all tomorrow take care bye-bye