Recharge your Marriage and Relationships: Old ways are better than new ways - Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

learning now tala page 112 and uh we are about seven lines for the bottom in middle of the line of aai but before that the AL here gave three different meditations to accomplish the following to accomplish that your T mitz is and your and your AEM isn't predicated on AA but rather on that's the of this chapter one that even the good things that we do and even the holy things that we do must be predicated on fear of God or for God as we know it to be and if it's missing that element as good as it feels and as holy as it is there's still an aota of self there ego and it's not pure that's that's the N of this chapter which is in a way um uh not contradictory but different than what we learned through from chapters 35 through 40 which is the importance of a kavana right and AA that your doing your learning should be inspiring so how do you how do you reconcile the two and this has been discussed here and before and we discussed it that it's no contradiction although sometimes it feels like a contradiction as um and and I discussed uh you know you know the the reconciliation between Independence right say the world was created for you for each one of you for each one of us and at the same time we should have bit humility and it's all about Hashem how do you reconcile the two so this also was discussed and it's part of the the not just the the theme here but the theme of the entire t one hand the AL believes in us right he believes in us he says you're a potential bany he doesn't look at us like like you know a terrible terrible person you know it's funny shabas I was in SCH there was a there was a part of and so the grandfather of the is satmer you know and so I was talking to him so talking so something came up and he said it's the world is a a a world the word it's Yiddish or polish I don't know but it's a it's we use it in Yiddish pasv means disgusting you know uh vulgar vulgar there's such a word in yish this is like vulgar disgusting you know this is not just bad but it's disgusting so as as I finished talking he made this comment to me and I didn't say anything because it was a midle you know was B and I just wanted to I want to talk more so I was thinking you know real The World Is A Beautiful World I there's problems with okay we there's problems life if you don't want problems don't ask God not to send you here okay but to conclude that it's a pasut world and and there's and there's the Schmutz of the internet and there's the the rim you know um prus oil that led to the disaster on simpl on shabas sinning with gays lesbians and and drugs infested you know another hate ashberry um or grateful Grateful Dead concert in 1969 you know it it's it's along the lines it's it's it's not 2023 but they're remnants of that there right it's a basut world it's terrible you learn Tanya if if available if a person asks you what does the AL want with t Al says that every person has a potential to be a b that's what the Tanya is about it means you can be your best so right there the the the the direction of of T is completely different than the mindset of which is mind the mindset of other Jews many Jews from Jews kic Jews Lish Jews and and Tanya is not laage Tanya is for every Jew so when a person goes through this Tanya and studies it well like we're trying to study it slowly and well you know relatively speaking you're going to come out having a positive attitude to the world you're not going to see is after he finish is not going to see those ladies who n and want him to do these you uncos things and and whatever else you'll have Rus on them you'll have mercy on them you'll find good within them your whole attitude changes why because the whole attitude of you're wrong and I'm right and I'm better and all that if you learn a piece of T and if you don't if you don't walk away saying I'm a nothing then you have to relearn the safer then you haven't even started to learn the safer the safer shows you how little we are and yet how high we can become so in this vein this chapter in t in chapter 41 says that the E is cab but not just Cil when it fits the the the motive the The Narrative cabal soil when it doesn't fit The Narrative when is that when I want to approach god with the eye some sense of eye and then I say no no it's not because of I it's because of he with a capital H who wants me to be I that's what I told in our discussion it's not that Hashem shuns self-esteem hasem wants self-esteem you must have self-esteem you must not be a you must stand up for your rights when you have people who talk against you you must say it the way it is I was I told you right I was walking in the airport last week and my back was hurting me I was holding on to a a a wheel a wheelchair type of thing slapping my bag and holding on so you know was a very long walk in the Delta at JFK to from 15 minutes walking and it hurt me so I was using it a woman's walking on the rail there you know and she stirs to me she says she says I work for the for for the airlines I'm an employee that's illegal so I say to her am I bothering you I say to her you see it's it's it my back's hurting me I know it I wouldn't use a wheelchair because it's for other people and she just just says well that's not right so I said go tell go tell your employee go call the police on me the people want to start up with you they start up now in principle she might be right but she didn't take the consideration and and her facial expression was so demonstrative of um you know someone was picking a fight why because this is conspicuous Judaism this black hat with with with a white beard it's unkempt is is is conspicuous Judaism hdic Judaism so the There's issues and there's issues all around and they're never going to go away anyone that thinks they're going to go away is dream and it's going to be so disappointed okay whether it's here in America you know what he says about the anti-i is Amer whether it's here in America or n or all over it's been this way it's just more up revealed now but I'm telling you it was this way in 1960s when I was mugged with my little sister walking and and and a fellow mugged us you know it's been around okay it's been around and that's the nature of the Beast and that's also a part of the if you don't of what teaches us you have Kil you accept even in the good things the ways of hasem and you know that your job is to overcome to not let the lady who picks on you you know get in the way and do what you need to and if it means stand up like I did stand up you know in a respectful way you're not AATA so the idea of of of of cab so is not a contradiction to to uh Independence and and and and it's a very important Point what you mention because there are people that's why I'm speaking about it now in public because people a lot of people who have are and learn they conclude like your question in other words like you know if I'm going to if I'm going to become and I'm going to have I have to keep my mouth shut and be a NE totally not totally look at look at how it happen this man when he had to say something he was fire fire and and and and and and if you knew him and you studied his writings and you watched him he was such a humble person both in his walking and his and and and his and everything else was so so much of humility but when he had to speak up on behalf of yish kite on behalf of something he let you have it and he wasn't scared of anyone whether they became his opponents and and he had plenty of opponents and he just did what he had to and he looked further and that's the lesson of the T that when you have cab you're going to be on the right track so now the AL says how do I develop this kabil so he gave us three meditations one that God stands over you number two which is the maybe the most important one and the details about that which is on the bottom of 111 going on to 112 and that's part of the the 12 lines that we're supposed to memorize for and to meditate on every day we should do it it's a healthy meditation and helpful number two before that before you put on Fillin very interesting here it speaks about the tal he speaks about Talis what you should meditate on when you when before you put Talis on and then he speaks about a mua so he gives us very concrete thoughts and I don't want to you know repeat it again cuz we learned it and we have to go on but I do point out to you that you might want to take another look at it it's very very practical what you should think about before you put ton he says here um and and and the idea of the mza as well so let's go now to the bottom of 112 So the line begins with the word it's 1 2 3 4 five six seven eight eight lines from the bottom in middle of the line V if after if after all of the meditation guess what he says you weren't impacted you weren't impacted you learn and you understand but if someone if you ask yourself is bis in the re revealed heart do I feel it no you don't have this cup all of soil says this is also very important nevertheless since you accepted the Yoke of God upon yourself and you draw down God's a in a revealed way at least in your mind okay so in your heart a in your heart you don't have that heart palpitation but in your mind you understand this is the right thing says this um Caba means receiving but this reception this idea is true without a doubt because it's the nature of All Souls not not to rebel against God here Al throws in a very interesting caveat he says it's the nature of the Nish you hear that it's the nature of ourish not to rebel against God so therefore stud because of accepting this yoke because God Drew you drew down in your mind that least this this is called complete not Half Baked this is complete so listen it's not B it's not revealed pal heart palpitations for God but because in your mind it it it resonates the cab soil resonates in the mind and it's also the nature of the soul the nature to not rebel against God by Nature because it's in the sh those two items are adequate to consider this a of yours a that's a big Kish because you would think it's not an it's not a complete it's a Half Baked let's continue next page top of this is a a complete like all other types of service by a servant to his master to his King stop convers if you only learn and you only forfill the with love and you don't use and your love is because you want to it's not called it's a nice trip but it's not the servant the service of a servant so the question is why must it be what's wrong with with feeling a love to God and serving him why must I have says very important words he say the establishes the criteria for what is and what is not and what does the say it doesn't say You Shall Serve God and also it says Shall Serve the US the following mus example like an ax the Y so first you put a Yol on it begin so that so that goodness should come out to the for the world now why do you put a muzzle and a Yol on the ax and all that whatever the it's to they shouldn't pasture and shouldn't do damage to other properties right but the Z says that that's not the only reason the the the reason is also that good should come out of it in other words when an ax will plow a field and it's doing it because the yoke is on it so it it follows it gives so much greater amount of produce coming about from slepping the plow says the Z so too man must to accept upon himself the Yoke of God the first thing before anything else you have to have couple of and if not if he doesn't do that he the K won't rest on man and he brings the source stop so so so what do we see from the Z is saying now the following first of all what's the difference briefly between AA and Y AA love AA is the self loving I love what's fear why do you fear something because your the self is is you is um is is an old in other words I fear someone or something because they're greater or that's awesome so I take a small position I humble myself I Crush myself so the notion of AA versus the notion of Y are diametrically opposed although we we we put them together in one sentence now the AL is in this chapter is that is differentiating between the two and the AL is saying that why isn't AA enough adequate to be I mean this is an amazing point and and and this is you tell this to anyone who they'll flip out you serve with and you're not an you're not that's what it says here in t look you hear you hear what that means why so what's the explanation the explanation is because AA is a continuation of self a continuation of I so this also answers your question when do we talk talk about the the the negativity of the yes of the eye when it comes just from the Ava perspective I love I want when you talk about there's no I the eye takes a is being swallowed why because if there's a you fear Him it it is greater than you he is is awesome so in other words I I'm scared I I'm I'm going into myself I am reducing the self so the notion of Y is the element that is the uh pathway for a so take an take the the take the servant right the servant serves a master what is the position of the servant is the servant saying I'm doing what my master wants because I love my master or because I am a nothing compared to my master a real servant I'm a nothing I'm I'm giving I've given myself away completely to my master so the position and mindset of the servant is B no I only he that's is only he only so says here that that's why is the is the necessary ingredient for and is he brings from the say but he brings support from the Zoya where the zya says and this is the additional point that it brings from the Zoya not only is it beneficial that the ax puts a Yol on so that it doesn't and and and a muzzle and everything else that it doesn't damage property but even for the good things that come out are it's because of the ax because of the ax what is the AL saying with that what's the that even for not just for sur in other words someone will say I'll be like a servant I'll serve AEM I'll do what God wants when it comes to not doing what I'm not supposed to Sur what about when it comes to when it comes to I don't need that I need more the attraction the I love you so much God says Al no says the zya no the zya says that the purpose of the Yoke on the ax is also look at the for that to be good coming to the world meaning for your becomes really to really genuine and not egotistical and not selfish if it's predicated on the that's thees of this chapter and it's a biges because it's not conventional thinking and that's the AL says why does he have to explain once like we don't know the is in the Torah why does the AL have add the words it's the fourth line on page the first words cuz he's emphasizing if T says this is the way it is that's the way it is God establishes the ground rules you understand in in Hebrew who is K who sets the tone not and not not us and not it it's set the tone by whatever the sets to be the ground rules are the ground rules what does it say the to be a servant so says okay I know it says that but how do I understand it and more so seemingly when it comes to you don't need you need the says because the says that that the of the the a the Y is helpful not only is necessary sorry not only for preventing from doing evil like eating in other people's um Fields ax you know doing the stealing and eating and the the but the purpose is for good things to come out of it that's how say in other words your when predicated on on is a selfless and that's what we're looking for and everything we do the T says there should be the element of of of of B that's the over here now says quoting already that piece of he says it says every person every person must have two levels one is the level of a servant and number two so so so the AL is asking it's a rhetorical question himself I just I I just finished telling you how important and necess is not Bane Bane is the AA the natural love of a son to a father and in desire it says you need both levels retorts there is a level where a person is a ban but he's a a son he's at the level of son but he's a son who's also a NE so he doesn't like he rejects that argument says in order to get to that level that you're a ban you know you you're a son you're the Son of God and you have that loving feeling of a son to a father a father to a son and simultaneously you feel like a servant oh he says that's a high level it there there is such a experience but that comes from what we call Y or superal Y which means that's like a level for sikim where they're able to you know bring together two opposites in one as it's known to those that study Caba Etc but but practically and is saying for us in Tanya for ban for a ordinary average people you you're not a bane that's an evit and if you're emphasizing Bane there's still some eye left and therefore you need to you need to you need to begin with AA and that's why by I'm sorry with Y that's why he said in the beginning of chapter 41 Rous the beginning of service I emphasized at the time and I repeat now the end of a is to also experience the love for God predicated on the but in the beginning you need to have the the Y and this is so true in just for a moment in in ourem and with family and everything else if if you go into a situation and and it's lacking the yod the foundation of Cabo soil the tree is not going to go grow good it's not it you know and and and you see this you see this daily that's why it's so important to to have the foundation be solid what does it mean and and and the articulation of that is you know in practical ways and never lose sight of the kabola soil so therefore sometimes a person will say well I was just having a conversation now with a um an English major um interviewed her for upcoming book and we were talking and so I asked her she's a kabad girl who went to uh you know went to stir in college and we're talking about this idea of you know going to college and you know how did she ashnik growing up reconcile it they were talking about this whole idea and it was a wonderful conversation and she's a very very special person but at the end of the day this cab soil and and cab soil is it's a very hard thing it's the hardest thing to accept and not and not accept like a fool accept like a smart in other words to put yourself aside and come to the recognition is that takes a lot of a it takes a lot of bit you know and uh people say oh you have a rebba this Reb that Reb it's so easy for you go to your Reb tells you what to you do and you do anyone who who's a deep hassid who's a thinking knows that it's not so easy it's not yeah my rebit tells me I I know it's going to be good I hope it's going to be good and I'm going to do it it's a lot deeper it's a lot deeper that although I think one way and I come to a place with within myself that I that I put aside my thinking for tighter thinking now the truth is that's the way of a ye any ye even without a should feel but those that have that's that's the idea and and and these people are were and are intelligent people you know a man like Rabin all of a you know he's a very very smart person gifted person and if he was able in certain things to put aside his thinking to the Reb's thinking don't think it was easy it was not easy okay you know but you come to a place when if you recognize that this is a living T this is an embodiment of T and and and so then you you you you you augment the kab of soil but everything is cup all of soil so that's why spends so much time here speaking and and boy we have we have quite a bit left in this chapter but it's it's a heart AV you know it's not something oh I you know I wasn't from I became from they told me I put on and I followed and all that and no no yesterday I met someone who was married for 35 years SLE friend he tells me he's divorced says he's he's not he's not happy you know living in a in with a roommate you know and I know him a little bit and I I'm thinking you know what happened here 35 years marriage you know I don't know the details I don't want to know the details but I I just want to bring out in the Cuda if you believe in Kadin that it's sanctioned by God and by the k you're not going to just live like a roommate somehow you're going to make it a good exciting marriage till till till the end you have to work on it yes and there are times when the spouse whoever it is doesn't cooperate and there's the to says there's place for divorce we we know that and and he told me that no Masia no RV told him not to get divorced because he is a good guy I know him and he's a from Guy and and you know so we understand that but but at the same time you have to do that a those 35 years and usually when you do the Ava the 35 years there's fire there even 35 years later whether it means going on a vacation together what it means learning together joking together you know whatever what whatever whatever it takes so this idea of AA isn't just you know daving and learning it's Mish to all of life and at the end of the day is this idea is this idea of I'm leaving him or her because I found someone better is not a if you if you're if you if you if if you believe in the kushin sanctioned by God again we know there's divorce and we know there's the legitimate divorce Torah divorce we understand that but what should be the perspective mindset to begin with of a Jew is that God sanctioned this marriage and and and if you don't feel that from day one then it's a big problem then in a in a way you it's a mea toys I told you the story I end with the story The greated his name what isbat so he was daving and in came in came his wife and pulled his Talis off and said already it's 2 3:00 the kids are home they need you home come home and this was a a giant of a Jew and his friend who's also there be bar saw him saw his wife do that so he said after she walked out he sent over to him he said rbat he said you know uh obviously you and her made a mistake in your marriage if she doesn't understand that you're about daving with your Talis over your head shabas to 2 o00 and she doesn't appreciate that that you should have never married her that's your life that's your Lifeline it's your breathing it's your air so you know what he said he said you're right in logic you're right but guess what theed gave me K and if the Rebus made a br K and if we divorce I'm I'm no I'm making his Blessing in vain and that I won't do now what's the message not about theed it's about if God sanctioned the marriage even though logically it's a mistake she don't get it and I don't get her her world is her world my world is and we're not talking to each other you know and and and I tell you as as a second generation Holocaust you know child I I saw this I saw this and I but what I also saw is that the bond and Union you couldn't break you could scream You could argue you could curse you could but but the bond and Union it never broke commitment so you know it's time it's good from time to time you know we're all older you know we're we're not we're not young children and not teenagers and young marrieds you know we we must remember these in theas in marriage and in life and and share them with our children children and grandchildren you know and someone says to me oh Our Generation today's generation they're much better off the way they date and the way they marry oh really I disagree 1 million per because I look at my class and my friends no one's divorced everyone seems to be in a good healthy happy marriage no can can can you guys today say that half of the class are your class is divorced can can you say that no you can't say that so who's doing better us old folks old fogies from the 60s and 70s or you guys from 20 to 202s who who's better off at the end of the day bottom line is and we have children and grandchildren and the doters continue and I think we need to you know in in in a in a in a upbeat way in a smart way you know point this out to the new generation that the the ways of old are the ways of the new if done right with all the enhancements hope you didn't mind my a little bit today see everyone tomorrow have a great day thank you you're welcome bye bye bye bye take care