Hechaltzu chptr 14c- Jealousy: It's root, result, and how to get rid of it- Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

So good today. We're learning. I think we're on page 117 or 118 or so in the in the lessons inu which is the middle of chapter 14. >> 117. Thank you. So until now the the author reb Rashab is called Rashab. It's an acronym for Reb Shaolbear, the fifth Kabad Rebi five. So he authored this in the year 1898 I believe and he points to the fact that for one to get rid of their ego, it's a very tough job. And even if outwardly it seems like you you're egoless, nevertheless there could be something called an ego within the the the recesses of the heart. In Hebrew it's called hel manesh. Yesterday Moshe we discussed Hillil and myself during the shir whether it's the cons the subconscious the superconscious or another form of consciousness that Hill brought to the table. So regardless the point being that it's it's very deep and concealed. So normally you don't experience it but there are flashbacks. There are moments in life where something triggers that and that ashab says that if you don't get rid of it, it can and will come back to haunt you more or less. So therefore, don't consider your service of humility towards God as complete. And a Jew, he suggests, should always be cognizant of this and not fearful and not g not guilt, but just be alert. To be alert when that little little ego sticks its ugly nose in and causes you to act the way you act. And you ask yourself, hey, I'm generally not an ego guy. I'm a regular, you know, I how is it that the answer is because deep down there was something there ego oriented that wasn't corrected or maybe you were born with and you didn't work it out and you didn't fix it and that comes to to haunt you. So now the rashab turns back to how this impacts not you but the community because remember this mimemer is about someone getting up in your sho and and and and you know causing a ruckus and making a big deal and showing off and I'm everything and you're nothing and you don't know how to daven and you don't know how to do this and I know and all that. This is what happened then in 1898 in Russia, Ukraine, wherever they were. So the Rashab that's really the that's really what made him say and write this discourse. It was discord in a sh in a kabad shul 1898. Now it's 2025. We have discord too in shs plenty of them. SO LEARNING THIS mimer is very important to de for us especially those that are kabatnik to follow. So let's see what he says now. So now he's going to show us how ego is detrimental to community life. Okay, that is the point we're at. Now and because he still has a remnant of ego within him, he can't tolerate his friend Milo who also has some virtue and some good quality in his service of God. And this fellow can't tolerate that. And therefore HE ESTABLISHES A PARODY to him that impinges on his yesesh. And what does this do? And this this impinges on his yeshis. In other words, recon, let me say it in simple English. When you recognize that someone else has a virtue, this malady that we're discussing here in the mime, this this subtle ego within Helmanesh feels threatened. Simple English. So therefore, YOU POO POO THE OTHER ONE'S DVENING. HUH? Has it happened to you? It's happened to me. I'm sure it's happened to you, too. You're in your corner, Davening. You're learning. WE'RE ON CHAPTER 14, BORAK, towards the last part of the chapter. So why why is it that sometimes you're you're in your own corner, you're learning, you're diving in, you're minding your own business, and someone comes over and says something nasty to you. Why? SAYS THAT HERE, you know why? BECAUSE THIS FELLOW'S EGO IS STILL THERE. And when HE SEES YOU'RE DABBING BEAUTIFULLY AND YOU'RE LEARNING BEAUTIFULLY and you're DOING THE RIGHT THING, he can't take it. He can't tolerate it. So he opens his mouth to you. That's what that that's what we just learned. And this person who has this attitude cannot attach himself to you. Heavy words. He hates you. And what does he do? HE GOES ABOUT TO SHOW everyone and to heighten your weakness. H sounds familiar. He finds an area where you're not perfect. My mother blessed memory is to say Mr. Perfect. There are PEOPLE WHO ARE MR. PERFECT or or they think they're Mr. Perfect. But who's perfect? So he latches on to that imperfection and he blows it out of proportion. AND HE GOES AROUND TELLING EVERYONE, YOU think that this fellow in shul he's something special. He dabins and he means it and all that. look at in this in this area in his life and you'll see how he's not perfect and MORE SO and he's and he and he gossips and he and he and and he rats on you and he and he makes a big big deal about something that's insignificant. Insignificant in a sense as far as the other person's concerned. As far as you're concerned, insignificant. Every imperfection should cause us to be more concerned and work harder. But for the other fellow, come on. That's all you have WHAT TO TO GRAB ON TO. You got to be kidding. That's what he does. And this kind of I'm going to use the word this vicious fellow SAYS LOOK HOW NO GOOD THIS behavior of this individual is. do and therefore he disgraces he his his friends his friends the other person's service he poo poo IT HE SAYS HE'S A CHARLATAN HE'S A FAKER HE'S A nothing that's what he does why does he do all this this is real psychology the rashab is going into the person's brain so that there should BE NO COMPARISON BETWEEN HIM and I. YOU GUYS THINK HE'S SPECIAL. IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY, IF I'M USING THE RIGHT TERM. HE'S HE'S PUTTING THE OTHER GUY DOWN TO MAKE HIMSELF MORE SIGNIFICANT. AND THEREFORE, HOW CAN YOU COMPARE ME TO HIM? THAT'S REALLY what he's saying. I'm great and he's nothing. And and SAYING AND SPEAKING POSITIVELY ABOUT HIM WOULD DIMINISH ME. And hey, it's all about me. That's what's happening here. How's that sound? Or at least he doesn't want the other fellow to be greater than him. So how do you HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE THE OTHER he thinks how do you make sure the other fellow is not greater than him? By by PUTTING HIM DOWN. PUTTING DOWN THE OTHER PERSON means he's not as great as I. Or even when it does not affect him, others will not compare his colleague to him or his god or they're considered the person greater than him. He will still denigrate that person. Even if they won't, he still will denigrate him. It all comes from one thing that we mentioned earlier, from his ego that's within him deep, deep, deep down in the recesses of his heart. It's still there and it causes him to have these feelings towards the other person. Therefore, he hates him. He embarrasses and he cannot speak positively, peacefully about him to connect himself to the person. Now he goes further particularly is a when he sees in his colleague a superior quality until now we're talking about he just sees regular things ordinary stuff about his colleague but now he sees something hey you know th this this fellow is really blessed in this area and that area you know whether the advantage the superior quality Quality is in intellect or some extra measure of vigilance and piety and purity you know these are harsh words he will get angered enraged and infuriated wow very much so he can't bear it in other Now in the first chapter in Tanya talks about two midos that are no good. One's called halus frivality. No one's called his spyus which means really boasting. The other one is ga boasting. What's the difference? The difference is one is that you really have a greatness. You have some special quality, but you boast about it. The other one is it's like a balloon. There's nothing there. It's a bunch of air. But meanwhile, looks like a big nice balloon. Right? The hashab says here that when this person realizes that that fellow that he doesn't like has really won over him and not only over him but over everyone else. He's really a quality person whether it be in intellect whether it be in in behavior in righteousness and piety and purity. It burns him up. IT EATS HIM UP. HE SAID HE CAN'T TOLERATE. HE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. That's what he says. Says within this bad attribute that we're discussing that this person has, there's also a mixture of what's called jealousy. Envy is as cruel as the grave or quote from Song of Songs from King Solomon and the wise one envy is as cruel as the grave my friends and therefore it's included and incorporated in what we call baseless hatred also The other person did nothing to him, anything to him. He hasn't taken anything from him. Whatever he achieved, he accomplished on his own and for himself. And the envious person has the potential to do the same. The colleague is not preventing him from emulating those achievements. I'll read just a note here. The above refers to envy and jealousy regarding spiritual achievements. There is no basis for negative feelings to be aroused from another person's success in attaining spiritual prowess because it does not detract at all from one's own potential. So in this dance we're talking here about achievements. So you look around, you've been around and you see and people mashim and what you know there's nothing you you en envying them in a positive way meaning I wish I could be that way that's fine that's good but but the the envy that comes and leads to therefore I will put him down because no one's greater than me and therefore if he is really greater than me. I have to go around poo pooing him and putting him down so that I stay on top. That's what we're talking about here. Now switches hill to material jealousy not spiritual. He embers another success and wealth. people who have succeeded on a welloff and there are people that can't can't stand that. They're jealous. Why did the wealthy person take your money? He didn't take YOUR MONEY. HE MADE HIS OWN MONEY. REMEMBER, it's the blessing of God that makes you wealthy. It ain't the stock market, the real estate market, and the futures and the bonds. It's If Hashem wants you to be blessed, yes, you make a vessel. You make an investment. You use your head, not not your emotions to make the investment. I say that because the Reba once told me I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket. The labb answered me regarding investments many years ago when I was in Marin County. I believe he says he blessed he blessed my endeavors. But he said he I advised you not to put all your eggs in one in one basket WHICH IS COMMON SENSE but just like JUST SAYING ABOUT THE SAID that wrote to me on my note. My point being is So on one hand you have to follow the dictates of of of investing you know but at the end of the day follow if Hashem wants you to make it and make it big the is coming and if he doesn't for some reason it's not going to happen either. So you have to always remember that. So what the Rashab is saying here you're jealous of the other person's MONEY YOU FOOL. IT'S HE DIDN'T MAKE HIMSELF WEALTHY. It's God that made him wealthy. So instead of you don't want to use the wrong language, instead of complaining ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON and being jealous and all that, make a vessel, connect to God, AND ASK HASHEM TO BLESS YOUR ENDEAVORS. Hate born of envy. You hear that? Hate born of envy defies correction. Thus every envy compounds the friction his yesesh causes making the situation virtually irredeemable. Virtually irredeemable. Virtually irredeemable. Just to explain this last point. The last point being there is a hate, a sinner you have towards someone that comes for other reasons as we mentioned in this chapter. But then there's a hate that comes because of jealousy. Here the Rebi is saying the Rashab is saying this is a very difficult difficult one to repair. In other words, hate due to other reasons are easier comparatively speaking to com TO TO TO REPAIR TO get rid of but if the hate's coming out of jealousy almost impossible now we understand as I'm saying this to you teaching this I understand better what it says in pas and ethics of fathers about kina hakina Right? Jealousy and lust makes you leave the world. Basically, you die. If you have to get your lust and you're an animal, you're going to die from sickness. You're going to die from whatever. It says it also about jealousy. Jealousy drives a person to the grave. It's a very very we you know we don't I I we don't talk much about at least I I haven't found lots of but and and the truth be said you know I don't know I don't find lots of people who are jealous you know this jealousy that he's describing here is is is really bad and barem I don't know I don't find many people that have such a bad mida have such a bad attribute you know you want to say something Yeah, there there are two Torahas that come to mind when you're saying this and one I wanted to share >> please. >> Uh there's a beautiful Torah in the safer from from the Kuma where he describes like the bad feelings that that the people have when uh towards towards uh sadikim to you know people who are more righteous than them. And so he explains it as follows. He says >> that in every person there's a mixture of good and evil. >> Yeah. >> And uh he says when when uh when a a person sees somebody else and has uh and and has irrational hatred for them or or Tina for them. He says what's happening to them spiritually is the good force the good within them realizes that this person's going down a dark path. They've already given rise to the emotions that will take them down a dark path and the good the good within them uh wants to get out of there. So it attaches itself to the to the sadic. it attaches itself to the other person uh and uh and um uh and and the and the the hater is left, you know, with with more of more and more of their negativity. And I suppose you could say the same thing is true uh like at the level of uh of kina you know if somebody else if I if if I'm jealous of somebody else I'm making them richer with my kina because uh my uh my emotions that uh are preventing me now from from having a conduct a uh a channel for blessings for Hashem and they're they're their bless their channels are already open. Hashem can bless no more. >> So right seems like a a parallel kind of teaching to this. >> Right. Right. Thank you. I I I understand this uh this idea of jealousy is it's it's important to think about from time to time you know you know you meet people people have you will have lots and then maybe you don't have lots and things like that. That's why the teaching app is who wealthy someone who's happy with what he has lot you know I'll tell you reminds me my mother of blessed memory was a Holocaust survivor >> and she would tell tell us when we were young children >> how they lived in in in in Poland in um in their city where they were I think was called Makov of outside of uh Warsaw and she said we live together parents, grandparents, children in one room. I mean she it it she described it very vividly. You know it was her childhood memories and she said it was so loving. It was so together in one room. Then after she and her her mother um and aunt survived and and grandmother survived and they came um or her aunt and grandmother went to but her mother remarried and they moved to Costa Rica. There was a community of Polish Jews, many of which came before the war. And because my grandfather had a my stepgrandfather had a great a brother there, he was sent a visa and that's how they got to Costa Rica. And there too, my mother would tell me growing up, the poverty was rampant. She told me, you know, it was it people, you know, they had like you have today even in Jamaica and Haiti and from what I see online, you know, the the thin the the the tin the aluminum roofs, you know, you could see they're living in in real poverty, you know, and and when I went >> That's common. >> What? >> That's that's Oh, that's common. That's Central America Caribbean. That's just, you know, I I worked there for 20 years. That's just common. >> Okay. Okay. Well, um >> that's common. >> Okay. But San Jose today, there's many places have built up and they have modern. My uncle lives there and he has a beautiful large custommade house. So um many have done well but but so she told me how how you know growing up with with this and you know what I I look back now 40 50 60 years you you see that when children are raised with humility and I'm going to even say sometimes poverty but I don't mean poverty I mean simplicity you know you You know what I'm saying? You don't go out to eat. You know what I'm saying? There's something that's left over in that child later in life that many times is is very healthy. And when you spoil and you give everything and you have everything there some issue issues, you know, you feel entitled to everything. Yes, he I mean you're you're the social worker, so you see this more than I. I wanted I wanted to say in in this regard that um one of the spiritual benefits that I consider that I've gained from having a life as a therapist is in this regards to kina because uh you know when people from I've had in my practice bar people from all walks of life including you know people of extraordinary wealth and prestige and and status and power and uh uh and when they open up their their hearts and reveal what their real struggles are, you wouldn't want to trade for them for anything, >> you know, >> right? Brings you back to >> you know, it reminds me years ago someone was a little older than me, yes, and he came from real kabad stock, you know, and he became a little modern and he married a woman who wasn't at all kabad. I'm not I know you know she was about to shuva or not but you know much more modern and I saw how he he had some children and and and the children were were dressed not in the kabad way you know and I said to myself you know like I don't like this is not good this is not good and and you know and ultimately you know he divorced and you know he died young I'm just saying I I got this feeling like like what are you what are you trying to do you know you don't come from there like what do you what do you why now could be it it's his wife who but but that itself is A QUESTION SO WHO ASKED YOU TO MARRY SUCH A WOMAN YOU DECIDED TO MARRY HER I don't you know you let modernity I'm saying what appears so I I if if I'm wrong I I wish I'm wrong but what appears is that when you let modernity creep in in the youth, it it causes issues. I'm not speaking about being a fanatic and I'm not speaking about you know um you know being overboard and overzealous and crit critical cuz we discussed how that doesn't work today for sure really it's never worked but you know once upon a time you can get away with it today you can get away with right but but there's something about simplicity there's something about simplicity and when children are educated that way and raised in such a home it goes there's better results. I see here my you know my house a pretty simple house you know I don't have fancy furniture thing I raised thank god seven seven children here and each one of them is is is a jewel and they're saying in their life they're married they have children and and they're doing good things you know and and I see others friends and others you know where there was more affluence and and more you know things and and and there's issues and I'm again this a generality so I think what that hashab is speaking about here this idea of kina how we have to be we have to be very very distant from kina this is uh this is the message over here okay just to conclude the says in the synopsis yes the he explained in this chapter the idea of ego within service of god the form sometimes it expressed itself also in a happy way which we learned yesterday if you're interested you can listen to that it was very important she about the uses the word here which is not just happiness but happiness coming from ego and he says we gave advice suggestions and solutions how to get rid of this and there could also be ego in the aod known as humility and explain to us what's the cause of that which is referring to the helm the concealed part of the soul yesesh gore sikina and yes has ego of any sort has the dangerous element of causing hatred and jealousy we'll continue tomorrow everyone have a good day >> byebye take care you're welcome Come by.