Hechaltzu chptr 10b- Sharing intimate issues, good or bad? Ego blocks dialogue - Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

So we're in the middle of chapter 10 in the mimesu and yesterday the the rebba the rashab who's the author of this mimer he really was talking therapy and psychology what they would call today therapy and psychology in that the rebba explains the virtue of walking out to someone else the issues that are are on your heart and this is a very very important especially now we're about to enter and we do which is confession >> sure is confession which you articulate with your mouth I've sinned for this I've sinned for that etc etc so the whole idea a of what he speaks about here in this chapter is very relevant to to the upcoming 10 days of awe starting finishing yipper. And the Reb said that this is especially true for those people that are, you know, kind of in the Torah world studying lots of Torah and also those that are engrossed in service of Hashem. Avoid Hashem. And he says this because there are times he says that people don't want to share with others because they don't respect the other person. But the the lack of respect is not he says it is not due to a specific reason because then it might be justified but it's simply because they don't like the person. And where's that coming from? Hate. just the person for some reason has this awful feeling towards another person cuz that's the thrust of this mime and what he's getting at they remember the history where these from a certain sh or village whatever the case just you know didn't get along and he says in a parenthesis you weren't here for this but it's relevant to your job the says clearly that uh he's talking to theim the ritual slaughterers in this >> the raonim the rabbis and um who was the third the gaboim I forget now hold on it's yeah and inon bases this is in the text by reads page 67 first line top line on the Hebrew in the Hebrew in the Hebrew I'm told by Zev you have different pageentations so I don't know if it's 67 but where he says it's an apprentices he says there raonim rabbis and ritual slaughterers von bakesses and and and sh matters now it's it's as clear as it gets m you don't have it do you have this uh do you have this volume and it's page 67 7 or >> 63 by us. >> Oh my gosh. Okay, so I got to get a copy of your volume because this is this is way off. Okay, thank you. Wow. I thought it's just the same page. It's just a few different lines. Okay, thank you for telling me that. So, page 63. Sorry. Sorry. I'm I'm not It's not page 63. I'm not I'm sorry. That was something else in parenthesis. I apologize. >> So, what page is it? anyone? I think it's 67. No, >> it's it's uh it's chapter eight. >> Page 70. >> Page 70 and uh faceto. >> Right. So then then that's it's a big difference by me. It's page 67. Okay. I'm gonna have to get a copy of that. you guys are using with Hashem's help. Anyway, it says it over there which hits you in the right in there's always people I want the air on, I want the air off. I you taking my seat, you're loud just doesn't stop. So the says that a lot of times or this comes from you. You don't like the guy. In other words, because you don't like him, therefore you start up with them. You're taking my place. You're too loud. You know, so I want to make it clear. There are times when someone does something outrageous. You know, it's justified. Imagine it's it's so so cold in the house free in in in shul and someone opens up the window. It's 20 20 degrees outside like you're hot. No problem. You got to find but it's it's it's 20° outside. What if it's 65 like it was in the shoe last a few days ago and one fellow happens to be cold and everyone else is hot? He's not justifiing in in in in in in his request. He wants the air condition closed. So I'm just using that as a silly example. The depending on what the issue is. You can't just make a blanket statement. I don't want you to walk away thinking that Hashab is making a blanket statement here that all disagreements in a shul is because you don't like the guy. That's not true. there's some legitimate arguments that are justified or at least there's two sides. There's two sides to the to the argument. So, Mark, we're not talking about a justified, rational two-sided argument, disagreement. We're talking about when it's not that way and one fellow just, you know, picks on someone else. Why is he picking on him? Cuz he doesn't like him. Why doesn't he like him? He just rubs in the wrong way. That's what the mimemer is is is about now. But the develops this in in many many different ways, psychological ways and and religious ways, in many different ways. He he develops the theme because he wants to he's trying to touch everybody. No, no one should say, "Oh, this doesn't apply to me." It does, too. But I learned Torah all day. So what? That's why you don't hate some people. That's why you don't, you know, drive with some people. Oh, I'm in business every day. I go to sh I d I go go away and I'm away all day and you know I have nothing to do with those people really. But do you come to shu in the morning and you come a shop to shul you know what you know? So this is what he's getting at. What are we learning now in the middle of chapter 10 that it is helpful for people who are in the Torah world, Kwell people, you know, yeshiva people and all that to talk out their issues to someone else. what we call a kavusa, a partner, a rabbi, a mashia, a friend. And the virtue he says is several virtues. And one one is that it that it becomes clearer to you and you realize maybe the way you understood this piece of garra, this piece of talmud, you have it all wrong. That's a Torah study, a talmud study. when it comes to service of God could be maybe the way you're serving God is all crooked. But you came to the conclusion that it's correct. Yeah. But guess what? You didn't bounce it off a second person. So we could say that the dashab in this chapter is is talking about the whole idea of discussion and dialogue. Discussion and dialogue. and he knows and understands that it becomes uncomfortable sometimes because you say to yourself, I don't respect that person, so why should I share with that person? That's what he's getting at. Another thing that we learned yesterday here is that initially when you share something that's painful to you, whatever that might be, initially it's very hard. It's it's very depressing. It's very painful. But he says once you let it out, it becomes easier. what we call what we say, you know, getting it off your chest. That's what he we learned yesterday, too. So, and that's where we're at. So, again, I don't know the exact page number here, but uh we would be on um and mine is 78. So, okay. maybe each day till I get another copy. Put a make a mark of where we at and you could tell everyone the page or tell me you know >> 82. >> Thank you. 82. Let's learn in service when a person talks about the plagues of his heart those issue that that touches heart and it's regarding ser service of god where he where there are issues but ya at the time when he talks it out it's very he's it's very painful for him. But afterwards when he lets it out, he talks it out. Afterwards, it becomes easier because by talking it out, he removes many of the plagues and the sins. This is real confession. Yeah. you know, when I was in Yeshiva in Marstown near Mark's old stomping grounds, New York and all that. So um the the my mashpia my teacher told me once I should find a a kav a friend in in the yeshiva who will give me muser who will scold me who will you know chew me out and he said that that's for your benefit Now you have to find the right kusa the right person because it he didn't mean you know just choose anyone someone who really cares for you cuz you're he's a friend of yours and and and you say to him hey I want to hear what I'm what you perceive in me is is the my rough feathers and tell me so that I can improve and age. How do you like that? That's in yeshiva 20-year-old young uh student like a college student. That's what we were thinking about in Yeshiva. I'm not going to say everyone thought about that. Okay. But the more serious bareim students, this was something that in in the kabad yeshiva, this is what you go through. How do you improve yourself? Are you open to improving yourself? Which means, are you open to to looking at your faults? I mean, and that's really what a fabangan is. You know, we hear the word fabangan. Fabbrangan, fabbrangan. That is a fabbrangan, not a sermon. I've told you this hundreds of times. Not a good vert good a good word. Those are all nicities and there's a place for that. Fabraan. If you look into the talks the previous rebba and thebim between or between is to refine the students and the people participating through bringing of course not embarrassing and you know someone just told me they had a a shabas uh at the oh um for this shabas So they had there a teacher from Mayonote. He was the guest. There's a there's a group that twice a year or so they come from PTOAC, Maryland. Today it's already some of them moved away. So it's not just PTOAC, it's Florida and other places and they come once a few times a year and they bring different guests. I've been a guest there several times, others anyway. So they brought I guess this one of the rabbis from Mayonote. They're very plugged in with Mayion. So one of the people that came was a former student of Mayonut. So the m this rabbi, Rabbi Calfman is his name. So he says to the to this to this Balabos, I see you became a gruba a grub of balabos. A gruba balagola. A grabalagola means a coarse uh wagon driver. Okay, it it's it's it's an expression. In other words, you're like such a behemoth. Okay, such an animal. Again, I don't know when he said it, how he said it, but someone repeated this to me, a good friend who was there. There was someone else there who didn't grow up in a kabad yeshiva or kabad culture. He had no he he didn't know what he's saying. So he says to the rabbi, "Did you just call him a uh a grub?" He he he used the words grub of balabos as a a a grub a a grub. Well, I wish I would remember. A grub something else. I got to remember because it's the punch line is in everyone cracked up. A gruba perhaps a balagola. Maybe a balagola. Maybe balagola. In other words, a gruba balabos, which means you're a you're a balabos. You're already, you know, you have a family. You're a businessman. But he didn't understand it. So he says you're a grala means you're a course wagon driver like a taxi driver. Why am I saying this? the Oh, cuz that's what a mashia really, you know, so if you could do it in a way which is cute kind of but the message has to get through. Hey, are you you know you were a former yes buffer. You went to a yeshiva when at some point. Are you living today 30, 40 years later like you were in yeshiva or you already grub, you know, and that was that that is the real fabangan that that so the here is calling for kind of a private fabangan between two individuals in the sense of talk talk it out with someone else. And that's why said find I should find myself a muser sayer. I should find myself someone that will say get off your high horse. You think you're the best in the yeshiva and you know all this and big deal but meanwhile your character is not refined enough and point out to you what you how your character is not refined. Make a change and prove yourself. So let's continue. And he says another virtue when people speak together with each other, everyone comes up with solutions how to correct the malady and they make a an agreement for the future to correct their acts. It should be in a better way. So and so and an agreement that two or more make it it lasts longer from a resolution you make yourself right. Birthday resolutions, New Year's resolutions, most don't last. But when you make a heskin with someone else, there's a greater chance of it lasting because you've kind of made a commitment with another to another person and in the presence of another person. So what we understand from all of these virtues that his like the word joining together sitting together of people who are servants of God who it's very good in many ways this is only possible If you have humility, you're willing to sit with other people, you can unite and come close with the other person because you have humility. However, if you're an ego, an egotist You can't you don't want to reveal the maladies of in your heart to someone else or you think you you you have such a low um estimation of the other person that you you say are you kidding? Am I going to reveal to him? The persons are nothing. How will I reveal what's so deep in my heart and what's laying on my heart to this other person who's a nobody? What how will it help me if I reveal to this nothing what's bothering me? Exactly. What benefit will I have from the other person listening to my issues if the person is not a is a low life whatever you know is in my opinion he's a nothing says that ever the primary problem is that this attitude expresses that I that I cannot join with someone else whether it be the study of that he is so sure of his understanding that he he says I know the I know the meaning and he's not willing to dialogue and with someone else and therefore he concludes based on his understanding so is the truth in this piece of Torah that he studied and the ar the position of his friend. He doesn't accept at all to listen to what his friend has to say and to to really give it credence as far as maybe he's right in the way he understands it. You understand? So, we're talking here about I said it yesterday, I repeat it. We're not talking about two people who are, you know, in dialogue in in in learning and and what and they see they see the meaning of the text differently and each one concludes differently. That's not what we're talking about. That's a legitimate disagreement and argument and understanding of the text. You have that in throughout the Talmud and and and every other part of we're talking about someone who's not willing to even engage in that type of dialogue. That's what he says. Let's continue. So he doesn't at all hear what the other person has to say without a a leaning leaning you know inclining. In other words, he's not genuine and his his mind is always inclined to say, "I know." That's what he's thinking. You ever you ever been in with with someone in learning and and and and they're not really listening to you. You understand? That's what they're not really listening to you. They they they need you in a way because they want a sounding board, but they're not, you know, they they're going to tell you. They're not openminded enough intellectually to hear that maybe the meaning is different. So here we're talking about in learning. Let's continue. the contrary. But if if you change and you will speak together in an about an intellectual idea, I'm sorry. If if the Neb says that if you share dialogue in study but really you don't you don't value the other person's opinion that it'll make it worse. You will become the person's opponent. When is dialogue and learning valuable? When you really consider the other person as valuable as you are intellectually. No, I don't mean that you know maybe you're smarter fine but you understand the person is not the person is person can hear person can think but if you don't have that preerequisite towards the other person then when you engage in dialogue with such a person you become his opponent his real opponent because your disagreement ment is because you don't value him. So if you if you don't value him and he's going to give you an argument, you hate him more. You understand? You don't like him more. If you value the other person and you have a discussion and you have a disagreement that you know in the in the meaning, no problem. I understand it this way. He understands it that way. But if your your your initial attitude towards the other person is ah he's he he doesn't he doesn't understand. He's nothing. He's and but I'm I'm going to engage anyway. You're going to engage anyway. And then he and then he and then he argues with you. And it happens happens so often this. You walk away worse. You walk away greater opponents. Who are you to argue with me? You're such an idiot. You know, you're so foolish. You're so You don't have the cup. Argue with me. That's what he says in the brackets and and this becomes his position where he says I can't join with the other person. So the next time around you say, "No, no way I'm going to learn with this guy." Why? Because we get into these nasty disagreements and fights and he's so wrong. So you use the first experience to exclude the second experience. So the Reb is just pointing out how sometimes So So what's the point? The point is you have to respect the other person. You have to before you respect his intellectualism do you respect him as a person and if you don't respect him as a person studying with him will lead to a greater animosity. That's his point and I think this is very important. Not so much maybe now but in yeshivas you know kavuses and do you respect your study partner or do you not respect them >> and um >> it's this way in business too. Okay, >> I'm sorry. hits her. We discussed in this chapter baseless hatred by those that are called servants of God to the benefit of of people learning together and talking things out not only in learning but also in service. Please mute yourself. the the cause for separation for divisiveness in the study of now there won't be a next week because Russash is in the middle of the week of Rash and then but I do I would like I I mean hope to have a shar Monday and Tuesday inv so this is the last shar for before uh so we don't have a shar for a But uh going back to what we we learned here, this is um it's a very it's you know you're we're in shoes, we meet people, we learn people, >> you have to you have to be open and really value other people. That's what he's getting at. Do you value another the other person? Even if the person give you an example I know someone didn't go to yeshiva didn't grow up fully from but traditional becomes from is very bright very bright okay at a very high level had had a a great position I don't want to say much because it's private and the starts learning >> and and he even writes a book and people who went to yeshivist when they hear about it they say you you have an opinion on these things how could it be you you didn't you didn't learn in yeshiva you're Johnny come lately yes you're gifted with a great mind. You know, that's what that's what we're talking about here. And and and you should know I I really understand it because it's an attitude that we pick up in Yeshiva. >> We meaning all Yeshiva students. It's like we we're the we're the yeshiva students. We learned that we didn't go, you know, whether we went to college, didn't go to college. But I'm saying it, you know, we spent years learning. Now someone comes along at 40 50 years old starts learning didn't really learn deep Torah till till then and all of a sudden is speaking about the same ideas. So there is this this wrong attitude which the Rashab is talking about here that you discount the person because he didn't have the yeshiva background to say that you know hey let's dialogue and let's hear your sources you know that's fine but the the issue that he's identifying with is the poo pooing of the person because he didn't he's not a yeshiva man a yeshiva guy a coail guy and you are in the stand and unfortunately this exists it today um you know where people you know uh disqualify people who don't have the same background in Torah study. So again if the person doesn't have the background comes out and says I know and it has to be this way. So prove it. Okay, prove it. What do you know? But we're talking here about someone who doesn't have that arrogant attitude. Any comments from the Pina Gallery. >> There's a a Kabad a Kabad guy who did not grow up Kabad, but he knows everything about Kabad now. Yeah. People that grew up Kabad always chastise him. What do you mean you're telling me how to do this and how to do that? You didn't grow up Kabad. I grew up Kabad. I don't know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. So, it's the same exact thing. >> Right. Again, I I relate to that that and I'm I'm also talking about that. But at the same time, if if he's if he's like telling, you know, oldtime kabatskers, you know, how how it should be and and he's doing it in an arrogant way, he's wrong. and you know but >> you know >> it's not like that at all. It's exactly what you said. >> Yeah. Okay. >> That's yeah yeah yeah. Uh I think Basha you wanted to say something. >> Yeah. I just this is totally off topic but I believe you said Mark's from Newark. >> So I just want to let him know so am I. >> That what? >> I'm from Newark, New Jersey. >> Oh you're from Newark. Sorry. Okay. Uh Bark, you have a contemporary here from Dart, New Jersey. Listen, what hit measure sure activity. It should be a year of of of of assurance in activity not just you know maybe doubts and another thing remember the teaches in the 14 that the the energy of the world changes at night and into the morning with and all that. So regardless of what was last year in health in business in Nakas with ch children in the global situation economy in the war that was all tough champ now it's coming tough champ can be completely different in a in a more positive way. You have to think about that as we go into also the night before I forget the the shamus that we say uh after and night especially the first night stay with a lot of kavana right after the we say a psalm about god creating the world. The Reb Rashab says those that have intense kavana in that paragraph will have a lot better parnosa through the year that you could share with anyone everyone and why he said it how I don't know right now it's not relevant right now that's the bottom line >> which one the where >> right after not what's the cap mismar Sorry, not it's a short capitol [Music] that we say in that with that tune. So the rashab said >> 24 >> yeah 24. So it's it's important to to focus on that also. not to waste time rash with idol talk. It's it's not it's not spiritually healthy. You know, it doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to another person who you invite to your table. But you know the chitchat leave for after is a time to daven and say tim and be focused and to blow shaifer for I always say you know you don't have to in your own building your own street there are people who last year I blew here for a person or 85 year old lady she couldn't get the shul you blow sha for them so I'm just saying that you know it's something we should do also and will will come. We need to just slap him down and and it'll be this way. If you need anything, let me know. I'll take care. Byebye. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Byebye. Thank you. Byebye.