Hechaltzu chptr 10a- Virtues of telling another person abt your issues - Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

So today we're learning au it's almost onethird of the safer chapter 10. Let's first uh recap page 73 uh the test. Let's look at the kit. Maybe when a person has baseless hatred in he doesn't participate in the other person's sim and the other person's agony. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't get to Kaimv's um wedding if you can't because it's in America. It doesn't mean you're not his friend there situations where you can't participate. It doesn't mean you have what we mean is that when you hear when you hear that he he made a shak for his son, are you happy? Do you feel happy or do you just are indifferent? That's that's a sign there's something inside that's not not you know not good or if there's a person who has tar whatever that sar is agony suffering and again you're totally indifferent that shows that there's something inside you which he calls here then we learned Um, a person regarding their own sorrow, their own torture, their own punishment, their own suffering. The Gmorra says it's not you have to check yourself out and basically blame yourself. You know, the English word is not a great word, but find something that within yourself that you know you're not doing the way you should be doing it, and that could quite well be the cause. We don't know. Do we know for sure? No. But we have what to to look at. So, that's all about justifying your own agony. And conversely, when it comes to someone else, sadly, you have to always be meritorious and we had a good discussion about this yesterday. Now let's go on to picute and here the talks about the same issue velv but regarding and as as we know from as we know from other of the and that this was a a major theme of theirs. because they were surrounded by different kind of Eden and it's not just that the Reb is looking at litfox he's looking at his own because this entire M also was addressed and caused by his own okay so someone shouldn't say oh uh the Reb is pointing fingers at the lit fox he's pointing fingers at himself and at is too but nevertheless you have to understand the greater the greater situation. So for example the when he was in Ria in Latvia and you take a look at the discourses that he said over the years that he was there and he was there from 1928 to 1933 I believe. Yeah. you know traveling back and traveling different places America but that was his his home you'll see that that he talks some he talks about issues that were relevant to RIA Jews which were more on the yakish side even even though RIA is technically Latia but there was an influence of that type of mentality and both in the in the things that needed correction and also things that are positive, you know, their meticulousness. Then when he comes to Poland, the previous 1933, he's there to 39 to the war. You take a look at the discourses over those six years and you could see kind of a pattern of a certain type of message because he's addressing people in Poland. People in Poland of Gidim and Alexander and big spodics and payers they're not yakas at all. It's another type of crowd. And so again, I'm not going to tell you that we can pinpoint every single mimer. I can't. I don't think anyone can. But as a general, as general rule, I think you could see this. So the Reb, I also noticed certain myim, he he hones in on a certain element. Again, I would say most of the are very deep and intellectual and it's it's godly words. It's you know like I told you several weeks ago that the way that many times started a was to understand the concept of he didn't begin with a para he wasn't a rabbi giving a sermon or a house rabbi or a saying it's parasit shabis and how does this apply to our life and give a sermon on that's not what the rashab did. He started off saying there was a concept of godliness that he was studying a concept of godliness that he felt the world needs at this or or or it went through him whether he felt it or he didn't feel it regardless and he revealed it and he said it right and that's why there were times that there was no there was no beginning and end like you know is the beginning of the mimer and at the end there's the answers to the questions are not the mitzvah of it. That's not the way. I'm not saying it was never that way, but plenty of times it wasn't that way because of my is and and and and this if if you if you understand this better, it's a whole different it's a whole different level. It's not a drusher. A my says you're being taken into the apple of of the Reb's eye and who the and the Reb is being taken into the apple of God's eye. You're in heaven. When you hear a you're not in heaven. I don't care if it's a god ab or it's it's down to earth. That's the difference between a sika that the rebba gave and a mimer. A mimer is a leus. That's that's this is the the belief in in Kabad that the the inspires that sadic and to the point where he he he lets out words that are revealing a certain godliness into the world at that time. So overall this is true for aidis of aabadb but there were times where you could see that the honed in on certain issues and this is one of those myim because over here in yesterday's chapter remember what he said he spoke about yeah you remember the he said it and the so he's clearly identif ifying issues in the community arguments between the theim the so that velv. So now he goes to this topic of dealing with those that feel themselves very very holy. How? Because they learn and they d and they're they're very very you know connected they feel. But the Reb says what's with your Let's learn inside chapter 10 74. If you have the book, you will find more. Look what he says here is he he adds the word. He didn't have to add the word. But means even more. So the more holy and the more long your pays are, the more you can have. You get it? You know, due to our is in other words, unfortunately in English would be unfortunately by those that serve every single person. I love it. He builds a bummer. You know what a bum is? A bummer is a pile of stones. He builds a a structure. I am the holy guy. You know, he he he raises the small little stones and he builds a whole pile. It's called bama bunna. >> The head the head honcho. >> Yeah. And it creates a whole philosophy and details and a whole system. Hey whether it be the study of it's based on his understanding and it has to be this way. So he creates a method in but it's He serves Hashem but it's based on his comprehension understanding causing that he doesn't unite with the other guy in Bish. Now let me make it clear we're not talking about here you is learning and Velv understands it one way. Y understands it another way. That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about where one individual comes to conclusion, I know it, I understand it, and it's only my way of understanding. That's what we're talking about. And therefore, he doesn't give room for the other person in the base medish, in the in the study hall, etc. [Music] says that the truth is that a a primary foundational truth when it comes to learning and serving is you hear this you got to talk with each other you got to join with each other how do you understand this what do you think about this do you think it's a genuine feeling or it's bluff Why is the last time you've heard two people speak about the service of God? Is it is it on target or is it bluff? That's what we're talking about over here. And this was by the way a cloud not just in kabad but in all and was called the brotherhood the br shaft the brotherliness. I don't want to say laavda but you know like in a reformed temple they I know from when I came to Marin County and there were some former reformed people who belong to reformed temple and they came to kabad they had a brother a a a club a brotherhood right a brotherhood there's the sisterhood and the brotherhood guess what >> the men's club >> yeah sometimes they call it brotherhood sometimes men's club whatever the truth is that's what the Rash is saying here That's what should be between yen. They should they should feel brotherly to each other. And if you feel brotherly, you discuss what's going on. I had a good, you know, I'm I'm I'm having a difficulty in this area and that area. Really, you know, you know, today we would call this talking to a mashp a mad a guide. But with the Rashab here, he's not putting on, you know, any names. He's just saying two people you know each other you diving in the same sh you learn the same bish talk with each other talk it out that's the point here there is an expression that iron iron sharpens iron so does one person sharp sharpen the mind of the other person when they bounce things off each other. So it's not a competition or I'm trying to tell him my fool. If you share your kushes, if you share your novelty and insight, he'll hear it and he'll either say it makes sense, it doesn't make sense. Maybe tweak it this way, maybe you you know what I'm saying? So it's like one piece of iron sharpens the other piece of iron. Continuing he says because when you bounce something off the other person you will not be able to include oh my opinion my understanding is the oh really you got to prove it's the so when you when you when you share it with someone else and the person challenges you or m you know then you can come to a real em versus just coming to making your own conclusion and not sharing it. That's what he says here. And when you hear the opinion of your friend and they discuss the word pilpoo, dissertation, they go back and forth in in you know in argumentation and in understanding. It's called ppull with truth. Not we're talking about each one is trying to understand it and they're dialoguing then you come to the truth. You come to understanding it correctly. Okay. So the Rash is is teaching us here. Don't don't think that you come to the true conclusions just concluding it yourself. Rather, when will you come to the right conclusion? When you share and you dialogue and you argue it out and you talk it out with a with someone else. That's what he says. That's this is this was said regarding the study of so too regarding service of Hashem. The two people reveal to each other what's on their heart and they talk about it. What's on their heart not about you know yesterday's supper. I mean, listen, if you don't have supper, that's also a problem. We're talking about my father is so I went to see him the other day. So, he told me that he was he 770 upstairs outside of the Reb's room cuz he has a bench over there. So, he can sit on the bench. He's 88. So he was talking to someone and he said you know it's the are you doing chuva and the guy looks at him like it's like here is not the time to talk about these things here we have to davin my father doesn't let go and he says look at me he says I'm 88 he says I think about shuva and he says I don't know he says you So I pretty much he's by himself. My mother passed away 18 years ago, you know. Yeah, he has grandchildren to come in to say hello, blah blah blah. But pretty much he's on his own. So he says he doesn't have a wife. He's 88. He says generally he doesn't have inappropriate thoughts. He's talking to this guy. He's talking to this probably 30 40 year old, you know. And I I was thinking about it as he was telling me this like you know this is this is what the Reb is talking about here. Now by the way it doesn't mean you should talk to anyone and everyone. No we're talking about someone who's you have an affinity you have a relationship you you want you you can have a relationship. This was an important thing in in Yiddish kite and is for sure. The idea of talking with each other about nik le nik means the plagues of the heart the the maladies of the heart meaning the issues invo back to the text. There are many good details or there are many good details. The is now going to say why you should talk out your maladies that are bothering you in your heart regarding you your to another person. One there are many things that a person doesn't realize themsself. He says in means grab but in this context it means he himself doesn't realize he doesn't get it he doesn't find it selflove covers everything he doesn't come he doesn't find it in himself over all iniquity or over all sin love covers up right self love Those the sensitivity surely self love covers up all faults and the faults are in this case character traits and justifying why you behave this way and why you have such a character blah blah blah blah blah. Why? Because you find justification. The love that a person has for himself by nature covers up the faults. But when you talk it out to a friend, the other person will say, "Hey, chap." Uh-uh. Uhuh. And I'll say, "Wait a second here. I there's an issue here." That's one advantage. to talking to another person was you yourself cover it up by nature it's natural self love covers up justifies what we do but the other person is the other person so he doesn't have that aasma that you have in this situation and he will tell you you're making a wrong turn you need to correct this that's number one. Number two, point number two, why it's important to talk out the issues to someone else. When you reveal the the issues of the heart in speaking it out in words while during the time when you're actually speaking it out, saying it, you have great agony much more that you had before. So this point is let's say let's say you do realize your shortcomings your fault but it doesn't touch you as deeply when you just think about it. But when you talk it out to someone else and you're talking with sense, not just, you know, mimicking words, it's going to hurt you more inside and it's going to hurt you in the sense that hey, so so so you'll take it in a much more serious way. So the second point is that the actual debour is is constructive is helpful to deal with the malady. That's his second point. And when you feel the great the greater s of the of the issue at hand, you will have more regret on all the things that are no good and you will remove your desire to continue in that vein. This will cause that there'll be a a great amount of tick. He doesn't say that it'll be completely eliminated but he says it will really make a big difference in the tick in the process of chuva of refining of of correcting the issue. And this is the concept we're coming up to confession of words says when he usually when he says it means it's brought in and and there's a great tick for our nephesh when we specify in words the particular transgression. Now you understand why we're banging away al five times and again during the silage it's not just um you know we have nothing to do to bang away it's like absurd each time you say the and again as long as you know what you're saying which is simply in this way we're not talking about kabala now that itself saying the words and and and and I know that this is true because I've tried it when you say those words and you think about what you're saying on on a very rudimentary level, it it's it's helpful. It's therapeutic. It really is. Again, how long does it last? Not long cuz you got another just a few pages down. But that's the concept. So the Reb says that talking out the malady that inem to your friend is a confession in words which helps the tick of the issue that needs to be corrected says why is this because when it comes into words then it shows that it's relevant to you in Yiddish on means touches. It touches you deeply. H how do you know? Cuz you've been talking about it. When you talk about something, it shows that you're fully animated. It's it's it's touched you. It means it really means something to you. Whereas when in your own thought, it's very nice, but it hasn't yet touched you deeply. it when it comes out bit deeper. Especially when it comes out but deeper to another person boy did you show that you touched you. You're so pained that you're even willing to share with someone else. And this of course is difficult. It's a very difficult aid. A lot of people I shouldn't say all of us in different times we have we can't do this. We failed to do this. Now many times we'll justify say what I should go share my private issues with with the person here you know yeah we nod oursel we nod our heads and shoe and we didn't b you know you know it's the difference between a childhood teenhood or school friend and someone who you meet later in life that's what I find with my buddy buddies you know we could talk about anything or say anything cuz we grew together those that are you know plenty of fine people and all of that but it's a different level it's a different level it's a different level at least this is the way we were taught in the kabad yeshiva system is this this like you know this bruteshaft as I mentioned this brotherliness and and and and it's a whole different realm but the rebba the rebba is not you know uh making distinctions between this yeshiva that he's just talking about the idea the importance of talking out issues to another person and he says then it shows that the issue at hand really touches the in inner core of your soul showing that you have great pain and you regret An example of this says what it says says a person you have an anxiety a worry literally it means what you should divert your attention the come along the say because it's with a with a sin from the word went out to talk or the famous word in a Reb says a talk that's with a sin to divert would be technically with a to divert your thoughts from. So says, so the meaning is that when a person has an anxiety, divert it, put it aside, but it's not written with a it's written with a sin. Say the talk it out to other people. And when you talk it out to other people, that itself will help you divert the thought. the anxiety will be will be lessened will be you know you'll be able to deal with it. We see when a person speaks about something that's very painful to him. It it causes a greater uh sense of agony in themselves. So one second. So what's the Reb's point to listen? So to the saying, hey, why why do you want to pay yourself more? If by me talking this out to you, it's going to bring up issues for me here with this. No, hello. This is not psychology. It's going to bring up issues for me and I'm going to be more guilt feel more guilty. Why should I do it? Says the next page 78 afterwards it'll inherit it'll become lighter. Yes. Initially >> go ahead. >> I just want to say I use this quote from the in my website. >> Excellent. So initially >> yeah initially it's t more difficult. It's more painful when you have to talk about the maladies and the issues. Therapy this right talk it out. It's it's hard. You don't want but when you do you walk away with I got it off my chest will continue tomorrow but this is good stuff >> good stuff here well you got credit for pushing me to learn this mimer >> take care see everyone tomorrow byebye have a great day byebye That's